EPIC FAIL

 

 

 

(National Suicide Prevention Lifeline..1-800-273-8255)

 

In the abyss of my desires
Under my hopes and dreams
Lie my unspoken thirst
To commune the beyond
Will I pass unto the gates
The passageway to eternity
Or does my fear of dying
Cause me to tremble with life
Shall I stand naked to the sun
Ready to melt into its warmth
Or shiver alone above the moon
Embrace the mother of all children
Soothe my soul asleep at her breast
Alas when I enter the realm of silence
I will finally be able to sing my song
When I reach the apex of my mountain
I shall finally be able to climb upward
And when Mother Earth claims my legs
I shall finally be able to dance
All I have to do is Die

 

Death is the female betrayed
The sweet song of Circe
The siren without mercy
But don’t expect her to curtsey
She comes clothed in a shroud
Whispering a dirge and a vow
But I can’t hear
The silence in my head is way too loud
My ears are exploding with trumpeting blood
An internal flood
A voice keeps urging me to do it
Go on…..End it
Type a goodbye note and send it
A life suspended but not extended
Don’t be offended but I don’t recommend it
Still the pain increases with no release
There’ll be no peace until I’m deceased
I need Mother Teresa
Nobody cares about a life in pieces
I feel defeated
Tried to die but failed completely
Many attempts veiled discretely
Not sure when but I’ll try it again
I need it to end…….but
How to do it?
A handful of pills to flood my brain
Take away all this insane pain
A razor to coax the syrup of life
Drain my blood to end my strife
Or will my loss of hope dangle from a rope
Perhaps I can finally OD on dope
Why do I even try
Why do I listen to the voice inside
Telling me I should die
Be better off dead he said
But I’m a failure inside
I didn’t even cry at my failed suicide
My sanctimonious attempt
With no final ride
So let me confide about all of my lies
I hated myself since the day I was born
Grew up busted disgusted and often forlorn
But that is my onus my own cross to bear
Bitching and moaning how life isn’t fair
Nobody cares
Death may not be me answer but still I try
To celebrate the day of my suicide
I don’t know, just guess I wanna die
Can’t figure out how I should say goodbye
I’m an epic failure need a suicide seminar
I failed at every suicide I’ve tried so far
Just can’t kill myself which I find bizarre
Maybe I should stop trying
I really suck a dying
Hopefully today I’ll get hit by a car

 

I lost a friend of mine since kindergarten to suicide. We lost touch and I found out later in life but it still haunts me. I suspect most of us have been effected by at least one suicide close to us, and I also suspect like me many of you have contemplated it however fleeting for at least a moment. Unlike the song in MASH suicide is not painless, especially to those who need to pick up the pieces. If ever depression send you down the road of self incrimination without a view of resolve, call a friend, write a letter, contact someone. I’ll listen, your family will listen, and if you need a stranger, The National Suicide Prevention Helpline is 1-800-273-8255.….
Live and Love in Peace

 

 

A Life Of Mediocrity

 

Will my world end
In the shadows of a lonely heart
Dissipate and disintegrate
Let out its final breath
With a whimper and sigh
Or will I choke violently
Upon the mistakes of the flesh
Suffer in my vanity
Such a sad way to perish
Watching time run out
Waiting for the sun to cease
When darkness bids me hello
Why do I even ponder this
I really don’t need to wait
Unless I want to

 

 

Standing right in front of me was a life of mediocrity the point of which I cannot see an existence lacking synergy. I was a sinner see? Like all who came and went before me, no matter how much Mom deplored me, I turned my head and ran. Right into self fulfilling prophecy
Now the question facing me is should I continue consciously or place a bullet inside of me become a suicidal wannabe, an oddity of novelty.
Not to be
I refuse to die for me
I’m gonna let my life be what it was meant to be
An anomaly of honesty, possibly a comedy or possibly a tragedy
Ill just wait and see

 

 

Up on the mountain of age
The sun heads somewhere west
Sinking into a deep sleep
Darkness smiles and says come with me
Reminds me of my bridges torched
Consequence watches and cheers
Sated that it’s time has arrived
Avenging all the misplaced causes
Accepting the rent due its heart
As always my payment is in arrears
You can’t pay regret with a bucket of tears
The ferryman waits for his toll
With oars that have been paid for in years
You can’t cross the bridge once you’ve burnt it to embers
You just have to cross

Live and Love in Peace…….
Invest in memories of love, only love pays dividends in life

Missed Connection

©Jérôme Gorin/AltoPress/Maxppp ; Little boy on swing, rear view

 

 

I missed them

The signs

How could I not see

When he meant so much to me

The ray of sunshine he could be

The best friend I ever had

Sir Galahad

A man so full of life

Until he wasn’t

And I never saw

 

Why couldn’t I see

His torture and his shame

Driving him insane

The laughter and the pain

As people giggled at his name

From far away

But loud enough to hurt

They shred him with a claw

But I never saw

I loved the man despite every flaw

I missed the signs

 

I’ve cheated death three times over

Now his death is cheating me still

Of the days that never came

The days that never will

Times we rode together

No place to call a home

We were gonna search the country

Together always roam

Until you wrote your final chapter

Left me all alone

Standing in empty lines

I saw all you in all your beauty

But I never saw the signs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who I Appear To Be

appear

 

 

Everybody has their chameleon, a way to hide their inner self. When we’re with people we slip on our alternative skin an appear to be someone else, the one we call our true selves. We hide the inner self because it frightens us. We worry if the inner us is revealed no one will like us, not even ourselves. We live in what we appear to be but slip in and out of the inner us when no one is around. Sometimes we spend so much time going back and forth we forget which one we are, we slip a bit to deeply into our dark selves. Many times I wonder who am I today……

 

My Dad never even tried to understand me

His self importance was the rule of the day

Whenever important questions burnt within me

He shrugged his shoulders and pushed me away

Reading words he found inside a fortune cookie

Was the only advice he ever donated my mind

Dismissed dismayed dejected and disappointed

All my dad ever really left me was behind

 

 

My brain is bruised my mind abused my thoughts unused

I’m alone…..confused

Can’t sleep

I’m on the edge

Falling over

Slipping down deep

Gotta move

My insides are spinning

The walls are closing in

And I’m stuck in it

The pressure is so painful

Scream!

Coming undone

I’m broken

Not joking

Insanity on thin ice

Seams are bursting

Jesus Christ

I want to die

Which me am I?

 

Here’s the deal

Death has it’s appeal, no more pain or illusion

No confusion

Maybe I’ll find dignity in self termination

No more repetitive aimless wandering despondantly

I know the end will bring me my total isolation

Desolation

But I’ll be free

No horns no sirens not one fucking phone call

I’ll finally be able to get a good night sleep

Or maybe I should make a deal with my big bad wolf

Who keeps hiding in my psyche so deep

Now I see

I can’t make a pact with the devil because the devil is me

 

If he dies so will I

Lose my flesh lose my bone

Why?

The devil just never shuts up

Forcing his thoughts in my head

Tells me

I’m the monster from under my bed

He mocks me and taunts me

The dark passenger haunts me

Makes me doubt and deplore me

He will never leave me alone

He reminds me I’m nothing

My soul he keeps crushing

Let go with a whimpering moan

Float away

Or stay?

Who’s making my mind up anyway?

I know I’m the one who must choose

And you may think you know me but…

I’m really not who I appear to be

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Graveyard Of Confusion

grave

The acrid smell of a forced suicide
Mixed with bitter taste of disillusion
Rising in sheets from under my feet
Death in the graveyard of confusion

Laying inside this musky black box
Breathing once tasteless odors of life
Exhaling death with each and every breath
Bearing scars from the Grim Reapers knife

Primordial vomit from deep under the earth
Coughed up in stench from the breath of Satan
Wrapping a putrid and vile solution of bile
In confusion I stared at them vacant

Are they all here to give me a ride
Passenger of death or just an illusion
Confusion reigns king in the suicide ring
Around the graveyard of confusion

For Your Amusement

amuse

(To A Special Man)
He was my brother not of blood but of heart
I never realized he was battered and broken
But inside his head a stranger was lurking
The only man who could hear the words unspoken

Just words on some paper was all that he left me
Finding him with his demons was truly not fun
I loved that man who left me paper and blood
Words from the barrel of a dying man’s gun

For Your Amusement

I fail
that’s what I do
Its what I’m real good at
So I do it a lot
I fail to hear laughter
I fail to see smiles
I fail for your amusement
Across thousands of miles
I failed as a father
I failed as a son
I failed as a husband
Just failed everyone
I failed as a man
Its what I do best
I failed every challenge
And failed every test
Its my biggest talent
Failing on queue
If you want some amusement
I’ll fail just for you
I can fail at most anything
So give me a call
I may fail to pick up
But I won’t fail to fall
I’ll fail at your party
Right on your command
Fail under pressure
Fail on demand
If you want to see a man take his last breath
Ill make it happen by failing to death
For your amusement

Rock In Peace gentle brother, save me a seat

TODAY

today

Today is the day
Felt oddly alive
The moment it arrived
Its not here to stay
And it feels so contrived
Am I really gonna die?
I could wait until the morrow
Postpone the sorrow
Live on time borrowed
But its today
The day that makes all the difference
Going the distance
This day here
And now
Today
It could be gone in an instant
With a grimace
Good riddance
Quit grinning
It’s the ninth inning
And today’s the day
To make scarlet ribbons
No more misgivin’s
The edge of the blade
Options weighed
Charades played
Then I fade
Into the darkness
No light
No sight
Am I taking flight
Quite right
It’s ending
No mending
Or comprehending
Why
Why must I die?
Die from this strife
At the point of a knife
What’s the point of life
Struggling away
Day after day
Shit piling so high
A fecal buffet
A scentless bouquet
Stinking of decay
Waltzing to death
In a blood ballet
Danced to the tune
Of everyday ruin
From my womb to my tomb
The perfume of doom
Is rising today
No more delay
Today is the day
Alone in the dark
Making my mark
Lines on my wrist
I won’t be missed
I won’t exist
Can you hear when I say
My life’s an ashtray
So today is the day
The day on the run
My final one
My day
Today

The Other Side Of Despair

despair

Clenched fists and crimson tears
Bearing scars across the heart
Filled himself on dreadful dreams
Of the lives he’d torn apart

Obsessive echoes dipped in green
Reverberates to the crowds
Outside they gather spectators all
Castle falling through the clouds

Steadfast bonds of love torn down
Sugared promises now dissolved
So hard to keep strong the vows of love
Once the money becomes involved

Pressure filled his worthless soul
A screaming whisper inside his head
Telling him his loving wife will be
So much more happy if he’s dead

He had the answer in his hand
In the form of Smith and Wesson
As she walked out the door that night
The trigger would be her lesson

Dressed to kill down on the floor
With Scarlet ribbons through his hair
The grass seems richer when you reside
Out on the other side of despair