Busted, Disgusted, and Can’t Be Trusted

“Shit Out Of Luck, South Carolina, 1979”
I couldn’t waste time worrying about tomorrow, I had to deal with right now. I was being taken to my room for the night and it wasn’t going to be pleasant. First came the strip search, which the guards seemed to take a special perverted delight in making rude comments about my naked body. Maybe they were playing some sort of cop intimidation game, or perhaps they really did dig it. Whatever, it made me very uncomfortable and I was especially intimidated when a deep voice bellowed, “Okay boy, now bend on over and spread your cheeks”. Reluctantly I complied to a new round of rude crude and lewd remarks which totally emasculated me, whether as a by product or by design. Feeling oddly dirty, even after being hosed down, a young guard handed me a towel and an orange jumpsuit. I could tell he was not a willing participant and thought it might be a good chance to create an ally, but he was unreceptive to my questions, like “where am I going,” or “what’s gonna happen to me.” I was a bit surprised at how meekly I asked this guard, but he just avoided eye contact and paid me no mind. “C’mon, dry off, git dressed and foller me son.” I obliged, still feeling dirty and not very dapper in my oversized orange jumpsuit with large white letters. ACDC. It wasn’t a rock band. It stood for Aikon County Detention Center. So here I was, dressed in the height of convict fashion following a young guard who had just handed me the thinnest mattress in history, as well as an itchy wool blanket all rolled up like a sleeping bag. “This is your bed.” He informed me. I tucked it under my arm and followed as the guard walked down the hall, through a series of bars and gates. I had my bed tucked under my arm, and my tail tucked between my legs.
The last gate we went through opened up into a sort of Cineplex of jail cells, and I could see many prisoners sticking their heads between the bars to try and get a look at the new arrival. I could hear shouts, mostly things like “Here come some fresh meat,” or “check out this long haired girl,” and other such nonsense that added profoundly to my discomfort. A voice somewhere off in the distance let out a very loud directive. “Alla Y’all Shut up!!! Its time for lights out.” The young guard walked me down a hallway of jail cells, and it looked like a dormitory of bars. He stopped about halfway down the hall, turned and unlocked a set of bars. “Go on ahead in boy” . It was a relatively big room with a stainless steel sort of picnic table and chair to the left, and to the right on the wall was two shower heads but no stalls. “All the way to the back on the left” down a short narrow corridor I saw a room on the end with an open door. I went in, and saw a board flush up against the wall, and a stainless steel toilet and sink. I remember thinking to myself “ I’m going to be seeing a lot of stainless steel here in this joint”. The young guard spoke to me for the final time. “Put yer mattress on there, you will git yer breakfast under the door in the morning, and your cell will open up to the common room at 10AM. Lunch is served around 12 noon, and 6 PM its back in to your personal cell. Every Wednesday the canteen cart comes around so you can buy candy and cigarettes if you have any money. Church is on Sunday Morning at 10AM sharp in the chapel. You will get one clean towel every day, and a clean jumpsuit once a week. Enjoy your stay.” The last part was added with a touch of sarcasm, and the rest of the “speech” seemed to be by rote, like he has said it a million times. But why did he give me the rundown on the entire place. After all I was leaving tomorrow. Wasn’t I? I began to worry again. How the fuck did I get myself into this God damn nightmare? I unrolled my makeshift bed, laid down, and stared at the ceiling. Completely exhausted from an extremely trying day, I fell asleep.
The next morning I woke up to a school cafeteria type of tray scratching along the floor. It was being passed through a rectangular cut out at the bottom of a cell door that was my overnight home. I was somewhat disoriented, the entire thing seeming rather surreal, as if it were happening to either someone else or in a dream. But it wasn’t a dream, and it was happening to me. I looked at the tray which consisted of a bowl of what I could only assume was oatmeal, a small dish of fruit cocktail , and some toast that I had no doubt had ceased being anything remotely close to actual toast hours ago. A very grim reminder that this is a real situation here. I had to do something, had to act and get myself back in control. Was Max coming back? Did Sandy just order him to move on without me? Or more likely, was Max and Sandy both beginning to feel the pains and discomforts of drug withdrawal? That was the most worrisome and most likely of outcomes. They either found some drugs out on the streets of Aikon County South Carolina, or they forged on ahead to the next methadone clinic on their route and turned me into a distant memory. I now knew that I had to take matters into my own hands. I was alone now, too embarrassed or too proud to call my family for help. Again! Too stubborn to just give in call someone, anyone for help. Not only that, I was aware that I had only one phone call, and I needed to make it count. Phone call! That’s it! I get one phone call. Shit man, I better makes this call count. Who to call though, that was the problem. I remembered a girlfriend I had while I was living in Myrtle Beach a few years ago. Rebecca. I could call Rebecca. Surely she would remember her Yankee lover and be willing to help me out. Why she even had a brother who was working a chain gang, so surely she would be sympathetic. So that’s it. I will call Rebecca, and she will rescue me from this hick hell hole. Now I just need to get to a phone. My mind was working overtime devising a plan to escape this nightmare. I was already thinking what I should do, track down Max and Sandy and kick their asses, or head back to New York and regroup. But first things first. I need to make the call.
I managed to eat about three quarters of the hideous representation of oatmeal and all of the fruit cocktail. I opted out of the born again toast. I now had some nourishment in my stomach, and it was time to get the ball rolling here. I had heard some of the other “Inn” mates call the guards by the term “turnkey” So it was time to establish my dominance with my jailors while developing my “street credentials” with my new roomies. I determined that a perfect place to start was right this very moment by showing these local yokel criminals how we do it up north. So in my toughest NYC voice I let out an authoritative directive. “Ay Oh, Turn-key”. I need to make a phone call.” I had attempted to inject just the perfect modicum of distain and rebellion as was necessary to achieve my goal. An awkward silence befell the cellblock, as a burly mean looking police officer began to stare at me with such a deadpan sarcastic glare, I almost felt jealous. I’m from New York, where sarcasm is a second language and he had just read me a cynical short story without even uttering a single word. I began to wonder if I was taking the proper approach, or if I should rethink my options. It was then that this komodo dragon in uniform began to saunter in my direction with a slow and deliberate pace that screamed “What we have here is a failure to communicate.” The oily haired officer got his face as close to mine as humanly possible, and just stared at me a moment. I had a sudden and humbling memory penetrate my tough NYC exterior and turn me into shimmering mass of spineless amoeba. . “Suey, let me hear you scream suey!” I attempted to coax myself back from my baseless paranoia. Oh Hell, stop thinking like that and get your shit together tough guy. You faced bigger opponents in Spanish Harlem just three days ago. You have spent countless hours in a Pagan Motorcycles Club bar. You have faced off with New York City detectives. (not very successful with the detectives, but stood up none the less. Well maybe stood up was not the right term) I gave my head a hair clearing shake, swallowed hard and began to feel like I was back in charge again. Apparently, none of this mattered to sergeant Komodo dragon. He began to speak, and I swore the voice was the same voice I recalled from that scene in the movie. “Say what boy?…. Did I hear you say turn-key you long haired piece of shit?” I couldn’t help but detect a certain note of arrogance and alarming distain in his voice. But alas it was too late, the drama had begun. I sensed that any second now, the proverbial pig shit was headed directly in the vortex of the rotary oscillator. And the fan was humming! The two of us stared each other down for a minute and the silence began to burn loud in my ears. Then as if right on cue a big shit eating “who the fuck do you think your dealing with” kind of grin broke out on his upper lip and quickly spread across his jaw until it took over his entire face. Now I am staring directly into this shit eating Cheshire smile and I can sense that it is a smile with some very serious implications. I had to think quick to get out of this predicament, to ease the tensions with my captor, while not losing face with my new room mates. “Hey Billy, we got us a real rebel Yankee here what wants to make his phone call.” The silence continued in the most uneasy pause I had ever experienced. After being stared at by a smile for what seemed like ten minutes, an even bigger almost obese guard came walking over with a look so serious I damn near wet myself. His stare was deadly. When he finally spoke, his voice did not match his body or his demeanor. He had a high pitched almost feminine voice. “Well Gawd Dang Jimbo, by all means lets give this boy his call, just as soon as we git his Yankee ass back from the room.” The two of these grease ball cops smiled at some kind of sick inside joke, and Jimbo opened my cell. “Put yaw hans behine you boy, youse comin’ wit us fer a spell.” His Cheshire shit eating grin was in overdrive now and it made me somewhat uncomfortable. They cuffed my hands behind my back and walked me out of the cell, down the corridor and through a few hallways until we stopped at a big wooden door that said Interrogation Room, ACDC. I thought to myself, so this is where they must be where Boss Hog and John Boy are taking me. Jesus when will this fucking nightmare end?

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Cupcake Tops With Peeps?? Off With Their Heads

Watch Me Pull An Easter Bunny Out Of My Hat

Another holiday another challenge. It doesn’t matter your culture, your religion, or your nationality, if it’s a holiday and your in the food business in any form, you need to know all about it. That’s how an existentialist baker ends up being challenged with tapping into the cultural aspects of holidays like the one facing me now, Easter. Yea, yea, yea, I get it. Palm Sunday Jesus came to town on his ass (I have to admit hearing this as a kid made me chuckle). Him and a dozen compadres ate together for the last time and it was a feast fit for a vampire. All body and blood. One of the twelve dudes dropped a dime on the J man and Roman guards whipped him and then crucified him. A few days later his ghost rose from the dead and they proclaimed it a holiday. Celebrating his death seems counter-intuitive but religious obsevervances have always befuddle me a bit.
No matter, I’m not making a cupcake that rises from the dead nor am I making one out of wafers or wine. I am tapping in to the cultural aspects of Eater. The happy stuff, like the candy part. So what do I have to work with? Chocolate bunnies are too old school and besides, they already have a stronghold just being themselves. Jelly bean are a must, I can do something with those classic favorites. What else? Peeps! Now there a tradition worth raising some insulin levels over. A marshmallowy ball of cooked sugar coated in……more sugar of course. Only colored sugar.
Not just yellow anymore, these stretchy marshmallow treats shaped like little chicks come in array of color these days. Pink, Green, Blue, purple, and the old standby, yellow. And not just little chicks, these Easter basket must haves can be either a chick or a bunny. Gender appropriate candy, amazing how much we have evolved. Evolutionary advances aside, I plan to stick to the original. Well original shape anyway. So I’m set. I will use jelly beans for one and Peeps for the other.
Just making a jellybean cupcake or a marshmallow cupcake is not much of a challenge for The Existential Baker. I need to dig deep own into my creative culinary depths and so something different. So not cupcakes for this holiday, but Cake Sliders. Or maybe I’ll call them stuffed cupcake tops!? Elaine made it work with muffins on Seinfeld so WTH?
The first one will be Stuffed Jellybean Cupcake Tops. Now I am somewhat of a jellybean aficionado. Gourmet, No name, spiced, Jelly Belly, all brands, all types. I’ve tried them all. (with the exception of the jelly bean featured in Harry Potter. However, if they were available to me…..) But The Existential Baker can’t just make what he like best, I need to make what works the best for my cupcakateers. After careful sampling of a number of easily available jellybeans it hit me like a sugar rush. A stomach ache. After a few Zantacs and some Pepto, I went back to my notes and discovered that the winning bean contestant was the “LifeSaver” brand jellybeans. Why them? None of them singularly overpowers the others, the coloring and size is perfect, and the flavors blend effortlessly. Since there are apparently no beans left from the testing I went out and got ssome more.
My first attempt was a bit of a disaster. I placed some vanilla cake batter in the whoopee pans, topped them each in an artistically arranged collage of jellybeans and popped them in the oven. Cooking time is about 12 minutes so I checked them after about six. To my dismay the designs had sunk to the bottom and seemingly disappeared. No worries, I’ll flip them over when they finish and cool. Uh uh..No, no, no! Thee delectable cute innocent jellybeans refused to let go of pan. The cake part had no such attachment and instead of having my base I had to carefully clean the mess and start again.
Once bitten twice shy I settle on the same theme with a new approach. This time I filled the pans with vanilla cake batter and right into the oven. After six minutes I removed the pans, sprinkled them with jellybeans in a totally random pattern and back into the oven. It had to be done quickly and efficiently, and I felt like the Jason Bourne of cupcakery. Identity, Supremacy, and Ultimatum. The most perfect looking cupcake tops ever. Randomly arranged and barely beginning to show signs of melting they were a masterpiece. Now to cool and fill.
A variety of flavors began dancing in my mind. What best to fill these beauties? I settled on a strawberry custard and chopped up the remaining jellybeans and folded then inside. The result was a pleasing pastel pink custard dotted with an assortment of tiny bright-colored jellybean segments. I placed a scoop of the delish filling on top of half my cupcake tops, reserving the prettiest ones for the toppers. Another success for the EB’s guests at Jarets Stuffed Cupcakes this weekend. But I’m not done there, I need to do something with the Peeps.
“Peeps for my Peeps” cake sliders take center stage to the cupcake tops understudies. This time I used a heart shaped pan, because I love my peeps. Not the candy, my peeps. Yea, I have peeps! A few anyway. But I digest, lets move on. This was a bit more of a challenge for a few reasons. First those cute little chickies are hard to cut up, and if you put them in a bowl together they begin to re-knit into a glob of marshmallow madness. The other challenge was the presentation. What I wanted to do was top each heart shape slider with a head of the Peep. Just the head, the whole Peep would look messy. But will the EB look like a murdering marauder who hangs the heads of his prey like a trophy on the wall? A game hunter proudly displaying his kill for all to see atop a cake slider? Will it cause lasting scars on the hearts of my little peeps? Will my peeps children forever view me as the villain that slew packets upon packets of sugary chicks removing their heads? Profound quandary. I mean after all I am a lifelong pacifist. I admit to killing more than one lobster during my days of restaurant life. That lobster scream still ways on my conscience. But these Peeps are not and never have been alive. So I can move forward with eight inch chef knife in hand and remove the heads of my peeps. The candy, not the people.
There it is. Heart shaped chocolate and vanilla sliders waiting patiently to morph into a treat. I had reluctantly beheaded all the colored Peeps and set them aside. What to do with the bodies? Wrap them up in blankets and toss them in the sink? No, no way. I want the short temporary lives of those seasonal marshmallow favorites to mean something. So I cut them into pieces. This created another problem. As I mentioned they have an uncanny ability to reform into larger pieces of themselves in various shapes. My solution was to cut and mix in small batches using some marshmallow fluff to keep them bound . Success! Next I took said mixture of mallows and folded them into some vanilla mousses. The result was a bowl of marshmallow mouse dotted with pastel pieces of Peeps. A scoop on a heart shaped cake, topped with another heart happed cake, then adorned with a small dollop of buttercream. Then the prized peep head went on top. Cute, but I feel like they are all looking at me now. Menacingly!! How I suffer for my art!!
Happy whatever you celebrate. If you don’t celebrate any specific occasion, then Happy Life.. What better to celebrate than that???….Peace

Unholy Thursday (the last straw)

Man, that dinner was to die for!
Now neither Cosmo nor Jesus had any clue what was going on and they just kept on trying to save the garden. Cosmo created more miracles to enhance Jesus’ image and Jesus kept teaching and preaching all over trying to get the youmans back to global synergetic activity. He was gaining ground but his message was being misinterpreted. He became very frustrated and began referring to Cosmo as God just like the people did, and he even went as far as to use it as a threat. “You need to seek Gods forgiveness for your sins or he will bring great misfortune upon you.” It seemed to work so much better than plain old reasoning. People trembled at his feet, washed his feet, kissed his feet (Which really pissed Mary the jealous off). They were worshipping not only this God, but Jesus as well. The ego stroked so often becomes inflated to a huge hard self centered chaotic balloon. . (much like the body part that had caused so much of the situations herein). What I’m saying here is went to Jesus’ heads. Both of them! He began to believe he could control these mere mortals. He was healing crippled people, lepers, and handing out forgiveness as if he himself were a full fledged god. On one very memorable occasion he came into a temple while traveling through Jerusalem and did not like what he saw. Old people playing bingo for money, a flea market of rip off sellers, sex being sold openly, and no one seemed to care he was there. He went up to a money monger who was conning people with a game of three card Monty and tossed the cardboard box with the cards and cash all over the floor. Everyone stopped and stared mouths agape as Jesus yelled, “Get out all of you! Get out! This is supposed to be a place of worship but you have made it a den of thieves. Get out!” Everyone left uncomfortably thinking that Jesus had just had a breakdown, and Caiaphas saw this a the perfect chance. He got Annas and told him to set the plan in motion. The end of Jesus was in sight and Cosmo was at the District visiting Mary Anne and was unable to step in and help.
It’s well documented how Judas betrayed Jesus just before their big dinner but there are a few undocumented occurrences that were left out. First of all it wasn’t supposed to be the last supper, it was an awards dinner where Jesus was gonna give props to his twelve disciples. Before dinner Judas came up to Jesus really high on opium and tried to lay a sloppy French tongue sporting kiss on Jesus while at the same time reaching down and massaging his rod and staff. Concerned when his man meat began to respond eagerly he through Judas away. “Judas stop this sinning. I don’t want you to do that.” Judas was now spurned and yelled “Cut out the dramatics you know very well you want me to do it. Fucking A, now I’m glad I told that fucking Lucifer where you would be!” Silence spoke volumes. Judas had thrown Jesus under the bus and the shit was about to hit the fan. Tears welled in Jesus’ eyes, “Judas, must you betray me with a kiss?” Judas took his seat and sat in silence, ashamed of what he had done. Jesus took his place at the head of the long table.
“My faithful, this was meant to be an award dinner to show my appreciation for you, but it seems we have a traitor amongst us this eve.” All eyes turned toward the nodding out Judas Iscariot. Jude tried to play it cool, “What? Wait, you all think its me? Fuck each one of you all have skeletons in your closets. Paul, did you tell Jesus about the goosing you gave Mary? Oh yea, that’s right Jeez, Paully boy was hitting on your honey. And the murdering Thomas who has actual skeletons after killing the women who doubted his sexual orientation.. And you Bart, any mention of the crown of thorns you made for Caiaphas? Didn’t think so.” Jesus cut him off loudly. “Enough! That’s enough, its over. Okay, here’s the deal, They are going to crucify me, shortly after dinner tonight. Some of the hotels already have ’Jesus Slept Here’ signs in front of their hostels.” Peter spoke up, “No, it can’t be true messiah!” Jesus looked sadly at denying desciple, “Peter, Peter, Peter, you know its going to happen. I know you’ll deny this but I heard you tell Simon it was going down tonight.” Peter objected, “No, its not true.” J man just shook hi head. “I swear, its untrue Jesus, I said nothing!” Jesus turned to Andrew and whispered, “Check this out, he will deny it again. Three time he’ll deny it.” Everyone was looking at Peter except Simon, who was looking up at the ceiling and whistling hoping to be undetected and left out of the conversation. Peter stood, “It’s not true.” Andrew addressed the group,“ ”Holy defecation, its as Jesus predicted, Peter denied it three times.” Sensing the dinner was getting out of control the leader stood up and grabbed a goblet of wine. He held the goblet high, “Drink my faithful, drink your wine as it were my blood.” The men all looked at each other in confusion. Blood? Its fucking wine! But hey, oh, this is Jesus talking so they humored him. All guzzled their wine with abandon muttering things like “Yes, your blood. Uh huh, were drinking your blood JC.” Then Jesus held up a loaf of bread and began ripping parts off and handing it to each man. “Eat this bread as it were my body.” Now the men were thinking that maybe Jesus was tripping or something, but they obliged, each filling their goblets of wine to the top before taking the bread.. The rest of the meal was silent, most wondering if Jesus should be committed.
By the time they were finished, more wine had been consumed than food. One by one the men passed out where they sat. All but one. Jesus wasn’t tripping, he wasn’t even drunk. He was wondering what the fuck happened to Cosmo and why he had left him alone to face this. He looked up towards the eternal clouds and clasped his hands. “Pops, where are you? Do you know what they are doing to me? Okay, I know you did the miracles and shit so I guess you have a plan, I just wish you would share it with me. But its okay, I’ll go. I’ll walk into the belly of the beast an await your advice.“ But alas, Cosmo couldn’t hear his words. Cosmo had been summoned to the Bobaloo Galaxy for a seminar “ Mind Over Anti-Matter” held by the universal science mind of TED. Jesus walked into the Garden of Gethsemane and the rest is history. As for Judas, he went back to Lucifer for something stronger, and Lucifer of course made it way too strong and Judas OD’ed. By the time Cosmo had returned from the Bobaloo his son Jesus was dead on a cross.
Shock filled Cosmo to the brim. Shock and anger. His beloved youmans had not only lost their way, they had killed the only son he and his love Mary Anne had. The worst part was how violently they killed him. Cosmo turned his back on his youmans and headed back to the District to be with Mary Anne and the child who had become Jesus’ body double. There he would remain for eighteen hundred and twenty three years and he returned just in time to see some dude named Louis Pasteur had figured out the world of tiny little organisms he called germs. After checking out his garden Cosmo “thought, holy shit, what the fuck has been going on here?” He needed to review what had been going on in his garden during his absence so he went to the videotape.
Cosmo and Mary Anne watched the various stages of growth the garden had undergone since their son was killed. Some of it was appalling and some of it endearing. Overall Cosmo was filled with more disappointment than he had expected. “Look at all this Mary, all the wars, famines, and diseases on Earth! What the burning underworld could they be fighting over?” Mary was very bright and able to grasp situations well. “Cosmo, these battles they have been waging seem to have two things in common. Arbitrary lines of land ownership and the belief in different gods. They have been killing each other for so long I believe some of them have forgotten why. Look at all these atrocities Babe, wars fought in Rome and France between protestants and Catholics, Sudanese war between Christians and Arabs, The Crusades, The Inquisition, my sweet nebula what have they done to the memory of our son?” Cosmo shook his head, “it’s true my love, they have blighted the memory of our son and used it as an excuse to kill and maim. Its deplorable. And they have undergone deadly plagues, measles, anthrax, rabies, typhus, small pox, and the bubonic plague. The Black Death. The Bubonic plague that spread everywhere and claimed over 75 million lives. How could those micro-organisms possibly get in my garden?” Mary Anne thought carefully before giving her opinion. The persons name she was about to use was a source of some displeasure in her relationship with Cosmo, but he did after all know what kind of work she did before they became an item. Even so, Cosmo was not happy that Mary Anne had some history with Mychrighton. “I’m not sure I should mention this or not babe, but Mychrighton is pretty well known for his experiments in micro-organism in the Andromeda Strain Galaxy.” Too upset to allow jealousy deter his thoughts it was an a-ha moment for Cosmo. “Of course, the pathogen killer, using satellites to destroy his own creations. Saved by the brilliant Lucy when she introduced the Kalocin that became a universal antidote. I have to figure out a way to introduce Kalocin in the garden. Maybe this Pasteur guy can help.” If Cosmo had dropped Lucy’s name on purpose to counter the subconscious feeling of jealousy it worked. Mary Anne’s face reddened ever so slightly and she angrily reminded herself of the once hot and heavy relationship that was all the rage in the District gossip papers. She thought about firing back with another comment about Mychrighton but took the high road because of the important work ahead.

Life Is A Cabernet Old Chum (the anti-easter saga continues)

Spill The Wine, Dig That Pearl
(I need a miracle every day!)

Now Jesus had his core group set, Mary the repentant sinner always at his side (and then some), and his band of merry men strolling through the countryside giving motivational speeches and teaching classes on how to live the natural laws of life. They were becoming quite well known but they needed something big. Something really big. Something that would put him over the top and get him noticed globally. They needed a miracle! The bait and switch.?! That’ll work. There was a high profile wedding in town to which both he and his mother Mary were invited. It was a kick ass affair but the celebration had run out of Ernest and Julia’s jug whine. Jesus’ moms came to him and said “Honey, we’re all out of wine. This is our big chance Jee. Time to do something huge. Make your miracle my son.” Jesus was ready with eight gallons of wine hidden behind a tree, and spoke very loudly so all could hear what he was saying. “Simon, bring me some water. This party is not over. I‘ll make wine for everyone.” While his Mom created a distraction Jesus switched jugs and soon the party continued with all in attendance believing he had changed the water into wine. Jesus now had mad street cred’s. It was all anybody talked about for the next two weeks. “Did you hear about this guy Jesus? I heard he took a gallon of water and turned it into 40 gallons of preamo wine. An urban legend was forming and it got bigger as it grew. 40 turned into 60. 60 turned 100. Soon he not only turned water into wine but brought 10 huge pigs to BBQ. He carried them across the river! It was incredible. Everywhere you went you heard about some dude named Jesus, his hooker girlfriend, and his 12 faithful followers roaming the world feeding the poor, healing the sick, and stopping war. The towns and villages were abuzz with hope for their future. Everyone was elated. Well not really everyone. Remember that dude Herod, and the salad loving Caesar? They were none to happy. Neither were the hierarchy of the Jewish religion. Seems like Jesus was gonna have some problems with the Romans and the Jews. They didn’t like having their authority challenged. Something evil was afoot.
The camel shit hit the fan when the antichrist came to town. The who? The antichrist. Remember earth Jesus’ sister Rosemary? Well Rosemary claims her and “The Superbly Endowed Evil Dude” had a baby and his name is Lucifer. Lucifer the antichrist. Rosemary’s baby all grown up was challenging this righteous dude trying to make people feel god to a duel of apocalyptic proportions. A revelation of epic battle was here to upset the forbidden applecart. His first stop was with a Jewish high priest named Caiaphas.
Cosmo caught oracle like wind of this. He was profounly alarmed and arranged for Jesus to sneak away for a secret meeting and update. “Hey pops, how’s Mom?” Como hugged his son. “She is well J, she misses you a lot. How are things going in the garden?” Jesus shrugged his shoulders, “Well it’s not easy pops. I have my disciples and my family behind me, and some other follower but it’s going kinda slow. I pulled off a fake miracle and that got me a lot of new followers but I need to do something big. I gotta tell ya pops, for some reason they call you God, not Cosmo or a god, but God Almighty. They are scared shitless of you.” Cosmos eyes sparkled with a touch of pride, but he knew that he needed to stay on point. “Yes, yes, I see how they act. But we have bigger fish to fry here my son. Those people will come around. Here is the deal. I’m gonna help you and create some more of the miracle things that work. I’ll have you heal some lepers, help the poor, and let’s see….Walk on water! That’s great, you can walk on water. That should convince the doubtful that you are the real deal three course meal. Once they all believe in you all you need do is get them back on the path of live and let live an teach them how to live a good life co-existing with the rest of the living things in our garden.” Jesus gave it some deep thought. “Easier said than done Dad, but I’ll do my best. I think I have a few cards left up my sleeve.” Cosmo gave his son a stern glare, “Its not what’s up your sleeve that concerns me, its what’s in your pants. Which brings to mind son, what are your intentions with Miss Magdalene?” Now it was Jesus turn to glow with pride. “She’s a looker eh Dad? I think I may bring her back to the District some day. I really do like her, I’m not using her.” The glare sprung into a knowing man smile. “Just be careful boy, men have been known to do some pretty crazy shit for a woman.“ Jesus chuckled, “I hear ya Pops, she does this strange thing to me and wants me to’ Cosmo cut him off not wanting to hear about his sons sexual practices. “Never mind that Jesus, just make sure your decisions only come from your main head. Now get going, I’ll set up your miracles.” Cosmo described his plan. “Your disciples are on a boat fishing and the boat is stuck. When you get down there I will freeze the sea just long enough for you to walk out and save them in front of a big crowd. After that it’s up to you.”
Jesus went down to the sea and just as Cosmo had promised the disciples were stuck out on the water and a huge crowd had gathered by the shore. Judas cried out, “Jesus, help us!” The big J man closed his eyes and started walking, and true to his word his father froze the water beneath his feet with each step and gave the appearance of walking on top of the water. He grabbed the line of the boat and to the jaw dropping amazement and cantankerous cheers and applause he guided the boat to shore and saved the group of hapless following fishermen. A thunderous display of accolades followed and word spread very quickly. Soon everyone had heard of this dude who claims to be the son of God walking on water, and changing water into wine. With the hand of Cosmo as his guide he roamed the countryside with Mary and his band of merry men healing sick people and feeding poor. At one point the took one loaf of bread and fed twenty people, but by the time the story got out it had evolved into feeing thousands with only one loaf of bread. Jesus was rapidly becoming the most popular man on earth. People everywhere spoke of his good deeds, his teachings of tolerance, and his ability to convey Gods forgiveness to those in need. But not everyone was happy about all this pomp and circumstance. King Herod, and the emperor Caesar wanted nothing less than to have this guy Jesus killed. Caesar summoned one of his high priests and told him something must be done. As it turned out that high priest was none other than Caiaphas, who had become fast friends with Lucifer the anti-Christ. In private meetings of the Jewish high priests and the leaders of Rome they set about a plan to create a more permanent solution to their problem. Caiaphas spoke to the cabal, “What then to do about Jesus of Nazareth? Miracle wonderman, hero of fools. No riots, no armies, no fighting, no slogans, one thing I’ll say for him Jesus is cool.” Lucifer sneered and made a pfft sound. Caiaphas continued, “seriously guys, how shall we deal with him? Any suggestions?” Annas, the high priest of the newly formed Roman province spoke first, “My dear Caiaphas, I have a bag of silver and we have Lucifer right here with us. That dude Judas is strung out on opium and I feel he is vulnerable. What if we have Lucifer become his dealer and give him high grade shit and then raise the price drastically. We can force him to make a deal with the antichrist for a bag of silver and a supply of opium. We can not only get the 411 on what this Jesus fucker is doing, we can have Judas set him up.” Caiaphas smiled one of the biggest shit eating grins any had ever seen and replied, “
Annas, you are fucking brilliant. Lets go nail his ass to a cross!”

The Gathering Of The Desciples

United We Stand
Unbeknownst to Cosmo, two mean ass dudes has heard about this baby Messiah and were not happy at all. One was the emperor of Rome, a dude who loved garlic laden dressing on his Rome-aine lettuce, the other a King. The emperor Caesar and King Herod. Herod was the meaner of the two, and when he found out from the wise dudes that they had hidden the baby somewhere in Egypt he ordered every male child two years or younger to be put to death. Caesar took a different route having heard from some shepherds about the whole Johnny the Baptist Revival thing. He ordered Johnnies head to be cut off and brought to him on a silver tray. He eventually got the head, but it was too late as Jesus had already been successfully baptized, schooled, and well hidden from the clutches of evil. For 33 earth years.
But now it was time for part two, the switch. The real Jesus had been trained and taught what to do and now had to set out an find a bunch of disciples to help him get the word of Cosmo out. Fake Jesus was extremely confused but he liked Mary Anne and had lots of computer games left from real Jesus so it was a bit easier to swallow. Real Jesus though, really had his work cut out for him. It’s not easy making friends when you introduce yourself as the Messiah. The first two men he met were Andrew and Peter. After a lot of convincing they finally believed that he was the son of God they had heard about and would follow him to hear his teachings. They had some friends down on the shore fishing and they took Jesus there. With his fantastic personality and great training from Mary Anne it wasn’t long before he had a handful, twelve to be exact, of disciples. They sat in a large circle an introduced themselves. “Let me start. My Name is Jesus and I am the son of a Jewish carpenter who taught me his trade. Well let me clear that up, Joseph is my Dad but my real father, my biological father is a God and he sent me here on the garden….I mean the planet Earth to teach man how to live correctly. Men have strayed from the path of nature and are creating wars and killing creatures they don’t like and generally fucking up the landscape and acting like the world belongs to them. So in a way I’m here to save you from yourselves. If you guys follow me and listen and learn from me together we can go back to following the natural laws of life and survival. Any questions?” Of course a litany of questions rang out like “Does that mean I don’t have to serve in the military? Can we still have sex? You mean we can’t kill any animals? Etc.” Jesus held up his right hand which would soon become his signature move. “Okay, okay, I get it, you all have a lot of questions. Let me just put it this way. If you follow me and do as I say you will all live happy and fulfilled lives. Now let me find out who you guys are and what your names are because I think we will be hanging together for a long time here.
The men began introducing themselves. “My name is Simon, sometimes known as Peter but that’s a long story. I have been a disciple since I met Jesus. I want to follow.” “I’m Peters brother Andrew, and I too want to follow.” I’m James” “I’m John” “My name is Bartholomew but you can call me Bart, and I believe in Jesus” “I am Phillip” “My name is Thomas and I must admit I am somewhat skeptical but I’m willing to give this guy a shot. But as I said, my name is Thomas, or Tommy, and I have my doubts.” Mathew, or the Matt Man, and unlike doubting Tommy boy here I trust in Jesus.” “My name is James too, but to avoid confusion call me Jimbo.” Ah, my name is like Thaddeus, no jokes please, but please call me Thad.” “Damn, my name is Simon too, so I guess you’ll have to stick to being called Peter to avoid confusion there other Simon” And finally the twelfth. “Hey Y’all, I am Judas. Judas Iscariot and I do believe in Jesus and I will follow him and listen and obey. You are my liege, my lord Jesus, and I will be a faithful servant unto you……Trust me.”
So it was set, Jesus had his followers and would now set out to change the world with their help. It had been very stressful getting to this point and the J man was feeling a need of some relief. He went to a house of ill repute and choose a prostitute with which to help him relieve his stresses. Her name was Mary (What Another Mary?) Magdalene and she did for Jesus what Jesus’ mother had done for Cosmo. She spent hours very skillfully extracting every ounce of seminal fluid in his body and did things to him he had only had wet dreams about before. She was satisfied beyond her expectations as well, with Jesus being half god and all, and she had a never ending smile stuck to her cheeks. Mary sensed a deep connection to Jesus. “Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to problems that upset you. Jesus. Don’t you know everything’s all right?” Maybe it was the sexual explosions or maybe it was her tenderness, but it touched Jesus deeply. It was moving and made Jesus feel calm and relaxed as he never had before. “Mary, I don’t think I told you this but I am the son of a god and I have been sent here to save the world. I have a posse of 12 guys with me and we are going to change the world. Would you follow with us?” Worried she was being asked to pull a train she glared at him suspiciously. “Are you saying with you or do you expect me to do all 12?” Jesus shook his head an laughed, “No, of course its just me and you in that way. By the way, the sex has to be our little secret. On the surface we need to appear righteous and free of sin. In private, well anything goes baby.” Mary smiled. “Okay Jesus, I’ll follow you and be your maiden. Changing the world huh? Ha, and they said I would never amount to anything. Wish my friends could see me now!”

Some have a way with words, others say &#@K it

What Are Words For?
Freedom Of Speech Is Accompanied With The Responsibility To Listen

Words. Play on words, word to my Mom, word on the street, word of honor, big words, small words, funny words, all kinds of words. That’s why most of us are here on WordPress! We write because we are passionate about words. I love words. I use words. Sometimes I even eat my words. (a good reason to sugar coat my words). Words have gotten me into passionate situations. Words exercise my vocal chords keeping them in shape so they can get loud during conjugal episodes. My words come out of my mouth faster than a horny bumble bee on Viagra during sex. Well if its good sex that is. (mine, not the bumble bee’s). Words convey my thoughts. Words are thoughts with the speakers turned up high. Words are words whether your like it or not.
We all use them. They express, teach, and communicate. They frighten, warn, and ease the pain. They have unending uses. When used correctly they can coax feelings of euphoria, send you into a panic, or make you feel like shit. What they don’t do is offend! Oh I hear ya, people can say some real mean shit and you get pissed, even offended. But its not the words that did that, it was the person that used them. Words aren’t hurtful it’s the intent behind them that aches.
I don’t speak French but I worked in a French restaurant. While I couldn’t tell what the chef was yelling at me I got the gist of it. Oddly the words themselves sounded beautiful. French is definitely the nicest language to get bitched out in. And that my friend is no merde. (that means shit, I learned quick)
Shit, a good place to start, because the specific words I want to focus on are the PROFANE words. What makes a word profane? If you are offended by profanity than you should just get the fuck out now because Ima bought to let the shit fly here.
Words do not offend me because I understand they are merely words. When I was very young I said shit at the dinner table and my Mom dragged me right to the bathroom and stuck a bar of Ivory Soap in between my mandibles. All 99 an 44/100 of it. Soap didn’t taste clean nor did it make my mouth feel clean. Actually it left a film, and never showed me the fucking err of my ways. I didn’t curse at my Mom but the soapy lesson was futile in keeping me from thinking fuck this!
My mom wanted me to understand that some words are bad. A little later I was helping my brother with his car and I broke some piece of shit little rod. Fuck man, if Mom had heard what he called me she would have needed an entire case of soap for his mouth. He let me know that I was a stupid mother fucking piece of shit asshole with shit for brains. And that was jut the opening line. But what struck me about all that profanity was that he never struck me. He didn’t even wail on my arm in that one spot where his fist has bull’s-eye radar for. I was shocked because for him punching me was more a form of communication, a greeting almost. Hey Buddy(WHACK) Hows it hanging(WHACK AGAIN). Same exact spot! Hitting me was as natural as yawning.
So I was feeling hurt inside my head but I wasn’t hurting outside my head. The massive profanity laden lashing he gave didn’t leave a single fucking bruise. I got it then. The words only hurt if you let them. Of course they were intended to dehumanize, deflate, degrade, and emasculate me but only in my brothers mind, not mine. I was almost tempted to smile at him and say “ Repeat that mother fucker, and Fuck You very much”. I also knew intuitively that if I used words incorrectly his fists would then handle the rest of the conversation. But I learned a lot about words that day.
The truth is words are only hurtful if you allow them to hurt. Maybe it’s a turn the other cheek thing. The concept of a spoken (or screamed) bastion of lingual symbols may make you feel bruised around the ego but if you just think (not out loud) “fuck this and fuck you, I fucking rock and you’re the asshole“, it’s a tad easier on the ego. The Id too! Profanity can be abused though. Use it to right to expresses great emotion and it can carry tremendous strength. He hit my arm, then my face and I was fucking pissed. That underscores and endorses how mad I was. But He fucking hit my fucking arm, then the scumbag fucking hit my god damn face. I was so mother fucking pissed I shit a fucking stone is overkill, and instead of the emotion it’s the profanity that becomes the focus.
Blaming words is fucked up. How did fuck become bad anyway? It’s a beautiful act. I do it as often as possible and you should too. Do you think it would be nicer to fornicate? If I said fornicate yourself is that mean? Who the fuck died and left the censorship police in charge of words? Fecal matter is okay but shit is a sin. You can say he showed her his penis but call it a cock and there will be hell to pay. Sounds like someone is being hypocritical! I won’t mention titles but it seems young boy molesters do a lot of telling people what they can or can’ say. George Carlin became the shit after he came up with the list of seven words you can’t say. I laughed my tits off. Which really isn’t a bad thing to say cause like George said, “Tit’s don’t even belong on the list.”
There are however two words I choose not to use. It’s a personal choice and I don’t believe the words are at fault, but society, at least by where I am. Society in general has turned both of those worst into concepts. The “C” word and the “N” word. First cunt. It has come to be a concept of severe degradation to women. The use of it implies that concept and unfortunately has become synonous with hatred toward females, and I love females. Calling a woman a cunt is a profound insult in my area and I just opt not to say it. The second, nigger, has also become a concept. Yea I get it, they can call each other that and its okay, but if you’re a white boy its not. That’s kinda sad, but its born out of anger and outrage. The term if spoken by me carries a concept of profound hatred of one race, a race which my ancestors treated less than human. Somewhere in my heritage its likely that an ancestor lynched a man because of the color of his skin. I am ashamed of that and I wish I could change it but I can’t. What I can do is make a conscience decision to not use the word.
So that’s it mother fuckers and father fuckers, I am done letting my shit fly. I am not a religious person, but I recognize that many are offended by profanity. Honestly I find way too many Christians to be all god is good, and love each other and shit but are the first ones to throw stones at strangers. But I don’t want to get political and I respect their belief (hypocritical or not) and attempt to refrain from using it in front of them. On the other hand, if I slip, fuck em. Suck it up asshole! I make an even stronger effort around kids because its their parents responsibility to explain the bullshit of censorship. That’s what its all about, censorship. Say or write what ever you choose, but have the integrity to own up to it. Accept responsibility for you words and who is hearing them. “Freedom of speech bears with it the responsibility of their intent”………………………….PEACE

The Savior Is Born (sort of)

COSMO AND THE GARDEN EARTH. Part 3
Jesus Christ Superstar Do You Think You’re Who They Say You Are

News. North East West South. Good news, bad news, happy news, sad news. There’s tragic news, welcome news, not so welcome news, news, news, news, all kinds of news. Some news has little or no effect on your life and some comes hurling at you accompanied by a ton of bricks. News can make you laugh, or cry, chuckle, or sigh, it can have little effect or it can have a dramatic effect. But its gonna come. News is coming toward you and there ain’t nothing you can do to stop it. Mary Anne’s news came on a speeding train out of control heading straight down the track with no one at the wheel. Like it or not, good or bad, news is a coming and you best be ready because once it gets there all you can do is take it. What makes it good or bad is how it‘s taken. “I have some news for you. You have a son.” That’s news all right! It’s the kind of news that’s incredible for some, indifferent for others, and tragic for many. It’s the kind of news that will have you running down the street screaming halleluiah I’m a parent or slam you headfirst into parenthood. “You have a son” is life altering news. “You have a son.” Cosmo had repeated the words over to himself more than ten times and he was still not sure how to take the news.
However we must keep in mind that Cosmo has always been rather resourceful. So this news of baby Jesus would not be taken lightly at all. First things first let it be known that the moment it sunk in Cosmo knew his responsibility to both Mary Anne and baby Jesus. As much as he loved his bachelorhood the thought of a solid lifestyle held a degree of appeal to Cosmo. On the other hand Cosmo was quite the lover and never had a problem finding a partner. Yet many a night was spent lonely watching his garden and Mary Anne would certainly be of interesting company. And she is quite skilled herself. The news was on the scale and the scale was tipping. The bottom line was he had a baby on the way and a responsibility to both the baby and the non god he had fallen in love with. Wait! Fallen in love? Maybe not fallen, more like stumbled but after all, he HAD created the fertile crescent while thinking of her beautiful hair (If indeed that was the body part he was thinking about). Maybe this news can be used for a positive effect on the three of them and the garden as well. A plan was also in an egg and ready to be hatched. Cosmo knew what to o with the news.
Of course the news is also going to be heard at a board meeting in District 7. The board is like the gravitational center of news. Whether it is gossip, entertainment, breaking, news or even just hearsay, all news that’s fit to print or printed to fit will find its way to District 7 in a flash. The best thing for Cosmo to do is to have his plan of action fully worked out before they summon him. Some mixed marriages have worked, a god and a non god can live a happy life but many a failure has been scandalized across the universe. With this plan however Cosmo was taking fatherhood to an unprecedented level . He had already sold it on his non god lover who had found herself in a awkward position of being the mother of a gods child. Ironically it was from twisting herself into an awkward position one pleasure soaked night that lead to the situation in the first place. For her part it was difficult to argue with a god to begin with. Mary Anne trusted Cosmo implicitly and his plan made sense. Truth be told she did have some reservations at first but after thinking the story through a few times it began to make more sense. Her son would be a savior, a Christ. Her son would be the messiah of Garden Earth. She repeated it to herself, “My son, Jesus Christ, Superstar.”
It was much easier to get the Boards okay than Cosmo had anticipated. Who knows, it could be his unending charm, it could be they loved the plan, maybe they were just tired of seeing him, or maybe they just wanted the messy scandal over and done without haste. Cosmo laid out in detail how he was going to offer his son as a virginal birth to be the son of Cosmo and help get the youmans to understand that they have strayed from the law of life, and had become a threat to the cycle. He would have a big hullabaloo when the child was born, have him disappear mysteriously while he learns how to teach the word of Cosmo. He will then spread the word of Cosmo and teach all the youmans about the cycle of life. Cosmo schemed to find the right woman to impregnate and fake it as a virginal birth. It would go down in youmans history as an immaculate conception and the child would be the son of Cosmo and spread the word. Mary Anne would raise their son Jesus and train him for his mission at the same time. They would stay at an undisclosed location in District 7 where Cosmo could visit on weekends. When Jesus was ready and the time was right he would switch out the child on earth with Jesus and he could bring the youmans back to the path of righteousness. Then he could switch the body doubled back and everything would be right once again. A pretty brilliant plan if everything goes as planned. If!
The very first problem arose rather early into the plan. Cosmo chose a nice Jewish couple from Nazareth in the city of Galilee. Joseph and Mary. He visited Mary while Joseph was away and worked his sexual magic on her for hours filling her with gallons of egg hungry swimming godsperms. He had Mary believe it was a dream, a very sweet dream, and she would be none the wiser. Of course she became pregnant right away but the snag was in the child she bore. It was a female and Mary named her Rosemary. So he had to make a second attempt after allowing Rosemary to get a few earth years in age. The second attempt was successful after eliminating the Y chromosomes from his body fluid. During the night in that session he told Mary he was an angel from the god Cosmo and that she would be giving birth to the son of a god and he would be the savior of the world. But in her dream she heard it as the son God, not the on of A god. When she woke she was even more confused (and satisfied) than the first dream. When she conveyed the story to Joseph he was very suspicious at first. “Wait, you’re telling me Mary that God had sex with you and you are carrying his baby? An angel told you to name him Jesus? Was it a Latino angel? And this happened while I was out of town?” Mary was struggling with it as well because the dream seemed so real, but eventually she was able to convince Joseph as well as herself. She told everyone that God has told her to have this immaculately conceived baby and that he was going to save the world. It was met with a cloud of doubt and cynicism, and rumblings of gossip abounded. But it was as she would find out, not only her cross to bear.
They were advised by some wise men, three of them actually, that it would be best for everyone if the birth not take place in town. Considering it good advice they opted to go to a friends farmhouse in Bethlehem. They had the plan all set and knew God would be lighting the way with a bright star which as it turns out was really a comet by the name Halley. They found a little manger outside the friends farmhouse and decided that it would be perfect. The baby was born, Mary named him Jesus as she had been instructed, and things were going along as planned for a change. The three wise dudes had a baby shower and brought some cool presents and announced to the world that a baby had been born, and that he was the son of God, and he would be baptized by John, a famous revivalist that held people under water until they agreed to repent. He would then be hidden as he learned the word of God in the wilderness with nothing but a rod and a small staff.

Sins Not Tragedies

What’s In A Name?

When I am at the bakery creating my edible poetry in the form of cupcakes they call me “The Cupcake Dude.” The name is indicative of what I appear to be. I am 6-4 and look like an overbearing biker dude, who actually did frighten many in my younger days. Just by the nature of that look. But that’s just a look, it’s not what I am. I have always worn my hair long (when I had it), I have tattoos, and I am a pretty large dude. But I’m a pussycat, a teddy bear of a dude. I am actually a lifelong pacifist and I’m a lover not a fighter. Basically I am way more harmless than my appearance.
Buddy the Cake Boss was doing a charity for epilepsy and asked me and Jarets Stuffed Cupcakes to join with five other bakeries to help raise money. Of course being a tree hugger and self proclaimed lover not fighter I seldom pass up an opportunity to help out a charity. The color theme for epilepsy is purple, so we made purple people eater cupcakes for the event A vanilla grenadine cupcake topped with plum icing and blueberry custard filling. During the event two teenage girls were nearby our display and I heard, “Look.. There he is. He was just on TV last night.” Of course I assumed they were talking about The Cake Boss but when I looked Buddy wasn’t around. One of the young girls pointed to me and said, “Hey Cupcake Dude, can we take a picture with you?” Humble yet bursting with excitement I told them of course, and their Moms took several photo’s. I had just been on a segment of Unique Eats on the cooking channel and they recognized me by my trademark bandana. I was blown away. I gotta say it felt really good.
A week and a half later one of the moms came into my shop to talk about a party in which she wanted our cupcakes. She thanked me for being so nice to the girls and I let her now it was my pleasure, which was an understatement. The she said, “You know my daughter has put up the picture with them and you in her locker at school and they brag to all their friends that they hung out with the cupcake dude.” I was red with anger….Wait, no! Not anger, I was enbarssed as hell, which I assume is what caued the red. Part of me thought that it was a tad creepy being a high school and all, but that was washed away quickly by the part of me that felt as though I had attained rock tar status, if only for my fifteen minutes. More a pebble star than a rock star, but still, it felt great. A nickname was born and it has stuck.
But here in the world of word lovers I call myself The Existential Baker. It’s here where I put my creative juices to a keyboard instead of a bakers board and use words instead of flour eggs an milk to express myself. Here is where I share my dementia, my memories (if somewhat foggy) and random thoughts. Not knowing me, the name tells you a little about me. First that I am an existentialist. I’m not the “I was existential before it was cool” sort, but a lifelong existentialist. It doesn’t make me intelligent, I don’t hang out drinking happening beverages and talking world politics, and quote philosophers verbatim all day. Its just my philosophic belief. Second it indicates that I either enjoy baking or am a professional baker. So thats what you learn from just the name. The reason for this drawn out ramble is this. Names are important. Names are a coat rack to hang our personalities on. That’s why I take great pains to give my cupcakes a name they deserve.
There are times I spend as much effort naming them as I do cooking and eating them. Some names are pretty obvious like “Strawberry Alarm Clock”, or “A Clockwork Orange”. Some a bit more complicated like the Fandango. it’s a cupcake with a caramel mousse. I made the mousse and abbreviated the name “Cara-mousse”. My wife seeing that thought it said Scaramouch and stating sing the Queen song “Bohemian Rhapsody” and the line ends with will you do the Fandango. That’s the name right there. Then we have The Godfather part I and Godfather part II, both obviously very Italian oriented or more like Soprano-ish..So you see, pop culture and rock and roll play a vital role in the naming of our cupcakes.
This leads me to today’s edition, Sins Not Tragedies. I have always loved rock and it’s assisted me in bridging generation gaps because I refuse to tell kids that their music sucks. I may not like it, but its not supposed to resonate with me, it for them. But sometime a tune comes along that could have fit into any generation, and one such tune is by Panic At The Disco. This is one of the rare times my teen daughter and I agree on musical excellence. The song “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” is a great tune from way back in 2006. Its essentially about a best man and bride being caught having “benefits”. Haven’t they heard of keeping the god damn door shut??!! ..Anyway, before we became bakers we did full scale catering for weddings and parties. One such party was supposed to have a grooms cake of cheesecake. I never caught it on the function sheet, and the night before the wedding I needed to come up with a cheesecake on the spot. Using what I had around I through together a cheesecake made with Roc N Rye. I didn’t even have a recipe, it was straight from my head.
As luck would have it, the groom thought it was the best cheesecake ever. My wife said you better save that recipe. I gulped hard, an confessed there is no such recipe. She politely told me to write it down now if I ever want to see my scrotum again. I was appalled! The3 indignity, the nerve, the……I wrote it down. To this day its on a scrap of paper titled “The I think this is it cheesecake.” True story. So the cupcake….cheesecake batter and vanilla cake batter mixed, its stuffed with Rock N Rye custard, and topped with chocolate icing. Believe me when I tell you its delicious. I’d be willing to gamble my scrotum on it…….PEACE

The Greatest Story Never Told (cont)

The saga continues into Egypt then on to the party of the Red Sea.

The Mosey Chronicles
Fortunately for Noah, Mosey had written both he and Ballinchane into the story. They, along with Abraham and Sarah, one of Abe’s co-workers, Lot and his wife and two daughters. Along with the other 42 chosen by the cops, they got rounded up and are herded of away from Sodomy and Gonorrhea to a safe place. They tell the group to keep moving forward and not look back. They could hear the cops shooting the towns up and tearing things down. When they were about seven miles from the town, the cops all began laughing. The big fat cop eating a sweet lavosh spoke. “You ignorant idiot sinners. Did you really think we were gonna let you go? You belong to us now, you will forever be known now as the chutzpa slaves.” Well Lot had an idea. He crept up to fat cop and said, “If you let me go, I will let you have my two daughters. They are both virgins.” At first fat cop looked interested. “ Virgins you say?” Clearly he wasn’t thinking of it as a negotiation. “You think I need your permission? I don’t need it, I will take these two virgins for myself. Thanks Lott.” Fat cop laughed and grabbed the virgins as Lot attempted to fight him. Fat cop grabbed the first thing he could find and yelled at Lott. “You Dare to try and take anything away from me? I shall take from you what you love scoundrel.” With that he took the shaker of salt he had grabbed off the table and killed Lott’s wife with it. Lott’s wife was assaulted with salt and banged her head into a pillar. Frightened beyond belief, the remaining 47 righteous ones entered Egypt as prisoners.

The Book Of Exodus

And so it was that Noah, Ballinchane, and Lott were put in a prison somewhere in Egypt, a penitentiary called Hum Hum, or Sing Sing, or something like that. Life inside the walls was relatively uneventful, with a few trips to the library or to the gym to work out. On one particular trip to the gym a new prisoner arrived. Well maybe arrived isn’t the word, more like a new prisoner sauntered into the prison. He walked without much determination as if he were not in a rush to get anywhere. He walked slowly and deliberately with a slight gimp. Then again, they are in a prison so what’s the rush anyway. Noah was instantly interested in this new guy. “What be your name stranger?” The stranger looked at him as if he knew him. “Alas Noah, I have been sent here by my devine father who goes by the name Yehaw to free all the prisoners and start a commune in another country.” Noah was taken aback. Not about being freed, that part he didn’t even hear. How the non existent burning forever place did he know my name? Noah stared at him suspiciously. “Again sir, I ask you your name.” The stranger raised a hand. “Calm down there Noah, we have seen each other before. I was placed in a babies basket and covered to hide me from the warden. My mother set me in the water, pointed to your floating house and told me who you were and that she believed you and your lovely wife would be taken prisoner by the corrupt cop who goes by the name of Andy-Kriest. And apparently she was correct. Anyway, my name is Mosey and I am here to free my people.” Noah chuckled softly and said under his breath, “Mosey huh? Well that explains a lot, moseying around here like a thief or something.” Mosey couldn’t quite hear him. “Pardon me Noah, did you say something?” Noah shook his head no and responded. “Never mind mosey, tell me more about this free my people thing.” At last it had registered. He was pretty certain he had heard his dad Adam talk about some geek with a gimp and a character named Yehaw and that gave him some comfort. He couldn’t fully remember what the geek thing was, but he knew Yehaw was a good an powerful being. “Here’s the deal Noah. I am gonna go up to the warden and demand the keys. Then we will all leave and head through the wilderness to the land of make believe. There we will set up a hippie commune, grow some crops to eat and to, ah, to smoke. And life will be good.” This sounded exceptional to Noah. “Fuck yea, I’m in man. When do we leave?” Mosey told him to be ready by the third rooster crow on the morrow, so Noah went to the library to find out when the fuck that meant.
The next morning Noah got up extra early. But as luck would have it, especially for his family, Noah was moved to another cell on the other side of a fence. He listened closely as the rooster crowed the third time. He heard Mosey speak. Andy Kriest, let my people go. Give me the keys now.” Andy began to laugh loudly. “No why in Yehaw’s name would I give you the keys?” Mosey walked slowly towards him as everyone around began to lose patience. “Because I have here a box of assorted doughnuts, two dozen of those delectable sweet cop treats. And they can be all yours, if you give me the keys and let my people go.” Well of course between his obesity and his being a cop it was absolutely impossible for him to pass up the deal. He gave Mosey the keys, and took his donuts to the break room. Mosey opened all the cells and let the prisoners free. “My name is Mosey. I am here to set you all free. Follow me and I will lead you to a place where you can all live without bars or chains. Unless your into that shit, but that’s your choice. Where is the one they call Noah?” From the other side of the fence came a shout. “I am here Mosey, on the other side of the fence. The key ring. Pass it over, please pass it over.” And Mosey did so, he absolutely did Passover the keys exclaiming, “I Passover the key ring for you Noah, and we will name a holiday after this event. Now free yourself and let us flee like unleavened bread.” Noah opened his cell all the time thinking to himself, “what a curious fellow this Mosey” But he was free, and in the end that was all that mattered. At least that’s what he thought.
“Come form a line, single file and follow me.” Now all the prisoners had become accustomed to following direction and walking single file so they obeyed as much out of routine as wanting to be free. But Noah was a born leader and he would have none of it. He ran up to Mosey to find out exactly what was going on. He did not want to be fooled a second time. “Tell me this Mosey, to where are you leading everyone?” Mosey took three steps, which seemed excruciatingly long to Noah, stopped and looked Noah in the eyes. “I have been visited upon by a dream which told me I should go to the Red Sea, party there awhile, and then head into a commune called Jerusalem. There we will start a few new religions all based on my dad, Yehaw Allahaha God. Whether or not you and the lovely Ballinchane come is strictly up to you, but I suggest whatever you choose, you act on before the Andy Kriest finishes his box of doughnuts. I fear he will be awfully pissed when he finds out no one is left in prison.” Noah gave it some careful thought and decided he would blaze his own trail. So off he went with Ballinchane to search for his mom and Dad who had headed for Greece or some such country. So they grabbed the unicorn (foolishly the unicorn had A fight with its wife and left it before the trip and wa now the last of his species. Such is the fate of the lonely unicorn), a big horse, a handful of Trojans (they surely didn’t want any children at this point) and lit out for the land of myths and legends. He wanted to say good-bye to Mosey, but the group had already gone a few miles up ahead along the river, and Noah wanted to go the other way.
Now Mosey had to take the group on to Jerusalem. He decided they would travel faster if they formed three groups, so he chose 3 men as leaders and separated the groups, Mosey spoke to the people. “Okay guys, I am going to go up into that mountain, Mount Sinai, to chill in a tent, smoke some herb and think up some laws I can impose on you.” (He would in fact burn an entire bush of cannabis and began to hallucinate from it) There was a loud growl from the crowd. “Now wait a minute you guys, remember, not 4 days ago you were all prisoners and were forced to do whatever the warden wanted you to. Have you had to cover your assets when bending over for the soap since then? No! Have you ladies been forced to digest junk you didn’t want to? No! Before we get to the commune we just need a few rules to live by. That’s all I mean by laws, it’s not like the other camel shit we had to deal with! So before you start whining and grumbling just give a listen. As I was saying, I am going up to mount Sinai to make some…….commandments for us all to follow as a kind of guide. We’ll call them the tent commandments okay?…We’ll be breaking up into three groups before the partying of the Red Sea.

There’s A bee In My Easter Bonnet

Easter Time
Move over St. Patty, Easter bunny time is here. Sorry your Saintship, but that’s the way that time rolls. Time answers to no one. Time just keeps rolling along at its own pace. It can take its sweet ass time, go fast as hell (although no recorded document on hell’s speed exists as far as I know), or it can keep on slipping, slipping, slipping, into the future. Time can run out or heal all my wounds. The time is now so there’s no time like the present to ramble about how time is passing me by. It seems like only yesterday, or the day before, I was rambling about bagpipes, corned beef, green colored beer and shamrock shakes. But here I am now, prepared to talk about the mysteries of the next holiday, Easter. Ah yes finally. Sorry it took so much time to get to my point. But here we are, looking down the rabbit hole waiting on the Eater bunny to leave us some treats. We don’t have egg hunts here in my house, we have cupcake hunts. We dip our cupcakes in water, vinegar, and various food colors the night before and…I really shouldn’t lie just for a cheap cupcake promotion but chocolate bunnies, jelly beans, and robins eggs have had their day in the sun and its time for some new traditions. New ideas, new treats. What better than a cupcake?
Yea baby, that’s what I’m talkin’ bout. A giant rabbit carrying a big basket filled with delicious cupcakes. Or maybe a giant hamster. Move over Mr. Bunny. Of course I can’t just leave it there, especially after taking up so much of your time rambling about time. I think its about time I get to the point of Easter, or more specifically why the bunnies and eggs possess such dominance over the holiday making cupcakes seemingly insignificant on Easter morning.
It all started with Pliny the Elder, who was born way back in 23AD Ah yes, the not so roaring 20’s as it was known back then. Pliny was a brilliant Roman philosopher who somehow convinced the Roman Church that hares were hermaphrodites, and thereby capable of giving virginal birth. This lifted the rabbit to the status of worship along with The Virgin Mary. Maybe not quite on par with Mary but slower than a racing tortoise our bunny crept into popular iconogy in the church. Mr. Rabbit attained important distinction in both Catholic arts and literatures. Pliny reached into his magic hat and pulled out a religious artifact of a rabbit. This then is the story of how the rabbit became so revered. But why chocolate bunnies?
To the best o our knowledge the first edible celebration of a rabbit which doesn’t entail using an actual dead rabbit was in Germany. A baked pastry confection shaped as Peter Cottontail was created in the early 1800’s and the families would hide the treat in nests around the home. In the morning the young Das Wunderkinds would find and delightfully consume the sweet tasting rabbit. Leave it to Americans to find a way to turn it into a money maker. Around 1842 Whitman (No not Walt the poet, Stephen the one famous for chocolate samplers) came out with the first molded chocolate bunny and by the early 1900’s many other chocolatiers joined in the fun and began mass producing the chocolate hoppless hares. Today the Easter Bunny has reached the upper echelon of childhood magic along with a hippie looking Santa Claus and an absolutely scrumptious flying tooth fairy. The chocolate bunny was brought to life and credited with stalking young kids, breaching the security of their homes, and instead of removing stuff leaving a basket filled with candies and other treats. In the 1950’s Hugh Hefner would create a new mystique for the bunny that would create adolescent confusion, but that’s a topic for another day.
So that’s the bunny story. I see no reason at all for the lapidary legend to be bearing cupcakes instead of candy. But the old school long eared acceptable rodent is not famous for brining cupcakes, it carries candy and day-glo colored eggs. Well mine did, but that’s the hippie version. Other less hip hopping hares brought pastel colored hard cooked eggs. Eggs? WTF?? Eggs you see are a symbol of fertility. Exactly what makes that appropriate for children is somewhat perplexing. Hey kids, I brought you a treat, it’s a symbol of fertility! But don’t eat too many eggs or you may go blind!. Colored eggs my ass! The coloring it seems represent the colors of spring. We buy colored egg kits to honor the Spring. That or its another merchandising scam. So I will happily adjust the colors of my cupcakes to be more “Springy” if that’s what it takes. Hermaphrodite hares and fertile colored eggs? Maybe better to think this through a bit. I mean really, don’t tell kids that rabbits lay eggs and hatch chickens, they’re scarred enough from the whole both gender fertility thing. Tell them the Eater Bunny puts on an apron and bakes colored cupcakes. Makes sense to me! It even seems more politically correct than a bi-species unmarried couple hinting to kids about fertility. Besides, it’s about time!
Did I really try and tie this whole crazy scenario up in a bow of time quips? Of course, I do shit like this all the time. Why? Because time waits for no man and yet time is of the essence. Ti-i-i-me is on my side, yes it is. Time has come today, so there’s no time like the present to bid you safe journeys and shared love. But please give cupcakes their morning in the Easter sun this year and buck tradition. Oh, and keep the jelly beans, cuz they friggen rock!…………………….Peace…(Until next time)