In Her Arms

in arms

 

The crimes of adolescence

Sometimes hard to understand

Still we knew we had each other

To face innocence hand in hand

On the battlefield of growing up

Finding solace in each others charms

But when I needed her to hold me

She placed a needle in her arms

Our garden once so fruitful

Now withering up dried

Despite how much I watered it

With all the tears I cried

And when I needed her to hold me

Share some cheap champagne

There wasn’t enough room for me

With that needle in her vein

 

And the needle in her arms

Replaced me in her heart

Coursing through her passion

Tearing us apart

And all the tears I cried

Couldn’t make the flowers stay

Because skags a drag that destroys life

And dragged my love away

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Needle

In her arms

Took her hurt away

A spoonful of medicine

But our love it would decay

Absorbed in her blood

Becoming her master

Her mister…..

I miss her

But I dismissed her

When heroin kissed her

She kissed back

Now I dress in black

Cause I cast her out

Out in the street on her own

To face perilous harms

The warmth of love our replaced

By the etchings in her arms

Tattoos of despair

Red scars of disarray

I lost her love

She lost her life

I was supposed to guard her

God damn it

I should have tried harder

 

 

She’s no longer alive

Kissed by midnight black tar

Left without a single care

Another shooting star

Burning across the night sky

To its death

At least that’s the story I heard

Or maybe its just how the legend is told

The therapy in her arms

Of her heart took a hold

Left her breathless one night

Was it her desperate passion

That made her tie off and shoot

Could she not live without me

Guess the points moot

Maybe it was on purpose

I will never know

If she held me in her arms

I would never let go

Too little too late

Life’s beholden to fate

 

I pray she found her peace

At least

What she never found in me

Her soul forever forgiven

Unconditionally

Or maybe there’s an angel

On a bright starry night

To pick up her memory

And in her arms hold her tight

 

 

 

At Least Sometimes

at least

 

 

I tripped over my confidence

Stumbled over my identity

And came to rest on a mask

A midnight mask

I keep it on

It keeps me safe

At least sometimes

 

 

We never share all we are

With anyone

We all hide our truths

Keep secrets on the run

From everyone

Shield ourselves from ourselves

Hide inside our own shadows

And wear a midnight mask

So no one will see

The hidden real me

At least sometimes

 

But careful with your guise

You can’t always hide

If you stash away your self too far

You forget who we are

And become who you were

Again

Or even worse

Someone else’s version

Of who you should be

Instead of the me we all are

 

 

When your midnight mask

Makes us look back at our past

To stare into our own hearts

We find ourselves in our shadow

Trembling in our own fears

Afraid who we appear to be

Is not the true me

Even if it’s a stranger they see

Like it or not in the end

We all face the same thing

The fear that who we are

Can be seen through the holes

At least sometimes

 

Crying to ourselves

Without shedding tears

Yet still feeling the hurt

Pains we alone must face

When peering too deeply into our mind

We see not only our self

But the people around us

We tear off their masks

And wonder if they’re real

Or if they’re hiding too

 

I still don my mask

I find sanctuary in my façade

Comfortable in my strangers skin

Away from who I am

Or maybe who I was

Basking in my concealments

So no one can see

The truth behind the mask

My bones will turn to dust

My memories rust

Always will I wonder

Is anyone really happy

Is this just a dream or a game

The secret game all play

Who wants to win such a game

We all do

At least sometimes

 

 

The First Earth Day

aaaaa

 

So lucky to have grown up with a generation that was conscious and aware of the importance of Mother Earth as well as humanitarian justice and the concept of inclusion . Although admittedly I wonder when many of my generation took on a cynical and self important view on life. But I won’t dwell on their abandonment of doing what’s right because frankly they aren’t worth an argument. Back in 1970 on this day in April even our high school and jr. high ( WTF is middle school anyway?) teachers and administration sided with the students on the preservation of earth and elimination of pollution. They allowed for us to be late without an excuse on Earth Day I provided we walked to school with garbage bags and cleaned up as we went. Great idea, and it worked to perfection.

My Jr. High school had a disproportionate amount of class clowns however and many of us would go to great lengths for a laugh. My usual pension for hijinx was unengaged this day as I took it very serious. Along with three of my best mates we took our garbage bags and walked to school picking up an unseemly amount of garbage. What the Hell is wrong with people to throw so much crap on the sides of the road. I never realized how bad it was and it left a lasting impression. We walked about two miles to school (Uphill in the snow while barefoot) and in the center of the school parking lot was a huge dumpster. We were already like an hour and a half late so of course we stopped by the dumpster to have a smoke before checking in school. I don’t remember what we were talking about, probably what was on Laugh In the night before, but suddenly two of my mates broke out in laughter. They were laughing so hard (possibly from the smoke) they couldn’t speak, they could only point. I turned to see what it was and immediately joined in the laughter.

Someone managed to speak, “Holy shit, it’s Kevin, Tony, and Steve pushing a Volkswagen full of trash!” Yea, those three won the most creative and clever and funny story of the year. They found an abandoned beat up Volkswagen bug and pushed it to school loading it up with garbage as they went. As for the school administration? Be careful what you wish for…..Peace and Happy Earth Day

 

No One Wins

You were the only one Mom

The only one who ever knew

I thought everyone could see them

But scars fade from black and blue

 

You didn’t have my back mom

Let them stomp upon my spine

Never heard me when I cried Mom

And I cried all the time

 

You sent me on my own mom

So dad wouldn’t have it hard

To see the mark upon his name Mom

But his name’s my darkest scar

 

And now I face my own fears Mom

The kind you lived with all your life

I finally understand Mom

You made the perfect wife

 

Rules of life change all the time Mom

And what you always tried to say

Its no good to choose a side son

No one wins life anyway

 

 

 

The Real Information Age (excerpt from JT Hilltops Death After Death)

real

 

I’m still not sure what I was experiencing or why I was hearing any of this shit at all. I mean if I’m dead then what’s the point. Al the creator was right about one thing though, enquiring minds do want to know. So before I go and become, what was it he said, a comet or a fucking quasar or some shit, or before I wake the fuck up or whatever it is that happens after dying I want to hear what he has to say. “Okay who or whatever you are tell me. What’s the truth and why does it matter to me?”

“Oh JT, maybe it doesn’t matter, or maybe it will bring you closure who knows except you? Maybe you’ll even be that one anomaly of humans to find a way to bring back the information you learn in death to your living world, I really can’t say. At any rate, here’s the truth. I’ll start with your misconception of information. You think you live in the age of information well let me tell you when it comes to information those ferns and plants over there are far more highly evolved as a species than you. Vegetation is not just food, pretty to look at, nice to smell, and a source of energy. Vegetation collects and processes information everyday, all day, gathering information from its environment and any visiting insects or animals that happen by. It gathers information from the sun and converts it into chemical energy including oxygen. Can you photosynthesize JT? Kind of ironic that one of the most highly evolved living things cannot master mobility. Not yet anyway. Even the giant fir trees can communicate to other trees. Once attacked by a horde of hungry insects any tree will emit smells to warn other trees which in turn process that information. The other trees then begin to emit chemical defenses to avert destruction. They can both emit and receive information through aromas. That’s understanding information my boy. Can you do that JT? Can you process the information from chemical aromas and plan a strategy of defense? Animals can process lots of information too and either put up a defense, plan a counter attack, or flee based on the info it receives. Most humans believe logic to be their sole possession but even small animals use logic. You see my boy the real information age came about centuries ago but you humans had your eyes and minds closed because you were too busy warring and destroying in the name of  world domination. Evolution JT, that’s in formation being processed and passed in ways to better each and every species. Ants and bees can communicate to their entire colonies through touch or dance, instantly sharing gigabytes of information to the benefit of the whole group. You idiots can’t even agree on what’s right in front of you, like pollution or climate change. You spend years debating over nature while nature continues to move forward through evolution. That’s real information working its magic.

Bioluminescence, instinct like frantic sea turtles running for safety at birth, these are the kinds of useful information passed along. Knowing their environment and adapting to the changes. A fox sees a squirrel track and understands instantly from the intricacies of that track which direction it’s potential meal is going, about how big it is, and even estimate if its worth chasing or a too much energy wasted in a futile chase. From the aromas it can tell how long ago it was there, what it is, and then form a strategy based on where its going, how far away it is, how long ago it left and decide whether to go after it or look for another meal closer and easier to catch. That’s using information. You use Google and fill your brains with tons of unnecessary information. One day you will fill your heads with so much unnecessary information you won’t be able to grasp what goes on around you in the world at all. Or maybe another evolutionary twist will get you to the point where you only process the info you really need. But better of worse your burning desire to know everything is part of your evolutionary drive. That’s why your species invented religion, to quell that unyielding desire to know why you’re here so you could concentrate on survival. Without the various religions to distract you from the truth your kind would have become extinct while chasing answerless questions eons ago. You would not have been able to form survival strategies if you were in a pointless search for why you were on earth. So religions enabled you to celebrate your superiority on earth so you could process the more important information. The drawback obviously was that the diversity of gods you created led to arguments which eventually spiraled into wars.” Al paused as if exhausted, or maybe he was pissed but either way I was beginning to get it. It was actually beginning to make sense yet I was still not convinced that I wasn’t dreaming this whole mess. “That is pretty fascinating Al, but I was pretty toasted last night and this entire thing seems so unreal. I mean maybe I watched a science show before bed and it made me dream this shit about you and evolution.”

“A dream, eh? Good point! Ever wonder why you dream JT?” The smile on his face seemed almost devious. “Your brain takes all the shit you’ve processed and then messes with you by presenting it in an abstract manner. All day long your brain is very busy collecting information from your nose, ears, eyes, and skin. It has to filter out what’s unimportant, put what is important into memory, and still be ready to make split second decisions on even the most mundane things you do daily. Simple things like washing your hands. While your washing thousands of events are happening right where you are standing. Things you don’t see, or rather don’t notice because your brain views them as insignificant so it doesn’t process them. Maybe it’s a tiny hair strand floating by. Knowing its there is of little use to you and your brain concentrate on more important things. Sounds, smells, and sights are in full force around you all the time, so your brain puts you on memory which to you is like auto pilot, while it continues to search the world around you. It’s a very busy job and it juggles many things at once. The brain loves to work and thrives in busy situations making decisions every split second. Then at night you turn out the lights and go to sleep leaving your brain with little to do, not much in the way of senses to process. Now its almost like your brain is bored while you sleep so it makes up frightening images so scary some people wake up in a sweat. If your brain has been overworked it will make it seem so real you wake up wondering if its really happening or am I dreaming?. Other times it will cause you total confusion by showing you something so ridiculous you’ll wanna pinch yourself when you wake. Most of the time you just wake up so confused all you can think when you do wake up is what the fuck that was all about. You remember your sexual dreams as an adolescent? Okay, I won’t go there, just know your brain really enjoyed fucking with you back then and got your body to respond in kind. As if puberty wasn’t hard enough! Pun intended by the way JT.”

I thought it strange he would make a pun, being a lover of puns myself I know it’s considered a poor mans form of humor. But no time to dwell on why he was punning he was obviously not finished reading me the story of life. “You live in an age of over-information son. I’m here to help you sort through all the bullshit so you can move on and understand your role in the universe. In my universe.” Maybe I was over-reacting, or tired and out of sorts but for some reason the last part stung a little bit. “Your universe? So we’re back on that huh, you’re what, God, Yahweh, Allah. The creator of everything? You look so insignificant, no offense, but I really expected the creator to be a bit more, oh I don’t know, regal and grandeur or some big smoke monster or something.” The diminutive scientist/mathematician smiled. “I’m sorry to disappoint you JT, but as I told you before I am merely a manifestation, an image you have created to fit my role. Universes are created by scientists, not gods. So I appear to you as you envision a scientist. This clipboard is a prop. Have you seen me use it for anything? What do I need a clipboard for. It’s even you talking except when the info is over your head. So blame yourself if you’re disappointed, I’m not here to make you feel good about yourself, I’m here to tell you what you don’t know about yourself. If you don’t want to hear let me know and we’ll call it quits and you can just move on.”

TBC

 

 

Remember Her Name

her name

 

 

Even through such weary tired eyes

Her beauty was enticingly apparent

Her lips trying hard to perfect a smile

My sullen image in her hollow mirrors

With tempting allure she rolled us a joint

So we could smoke away all the dirt

The grimy filth of two lost lonely lives

Enlightenment arousing our ignorant bliss

Two lonely souls sharing one special night

But I don’t even remember her name

 

 

Beneath the shine of comforting neon

Two naked bodies glowed into the night

She laid herself sacrificial a cradle of love

Where passionate desire unconditionally lay

Waltzing to the beat of a furious headboard

Hopeful bones melting in an amorous duet

The fires of our passions left silken grey ash

Leaving trails of our comfort confirmed salacious

One night two strangers fell deeply in love

Yet still I don’t remember her name

 

So many times I wished for another moment

Once more to relieve both of our pains

To lose ourselves inside of each other again

Singing songs we moaned tender that night

When demands were left forever unspoken

And all she ever asked to receive in return

A supple memory she could keep evermore

Like the love I cling from my desperate flight

I still remember the smell of lust in her hair

But I still don’t remember her name

 

When I woke up the next morning

I had but one little wish

That we could live that night over again

And again and again and again and once more

But it was one single moment in time

Still I think of her often

But let it pass

Because we both will always have that sapid memory

But she won’t even remember my name

 

Desperation

des

 

Desperation is our motivation

Driving force of the living

Desolation is an abomination

The lengths to which we’re driven

Desperation is our fornication

Driving the force of our love

Masturbation casts ugly aspirations

Hide your hand inside a glove

Desperation drives my soul

Makes you wanna rock and roll

It makes you whole

Or so I’m told

Desperation and desolation

My flirtation is my creation

I’m a little dangerous a little daring

Arrogant humble and sometimes uncaring

Frantic and frenzied full of Goddam envy

Of those who know how to be friendly

Who get stimulation without desperation

And live a life of ease

 

 

 

Desperation knows no consternation

Desperation shaped my soul

Rehabilitation breeds a stronger foundation

But desperation makes me whole

 

Desperation straight into annihilation

A philosophy of doom

Mindless stagnation breeds aggravation

I’m gonna be there soon

 

Desperation drives my soul

Makes you wanna rock and roll

It makes you whole

Or so I’m told

Desperation and desolation

My flirtation is my creation

I’m a little dangerous a little daring

Arrogant humble and sometimes uncaring

Frantic and frenzied full of Goddam envy

Of those who know how to be friendly

Who get stimulation without desperation

And live a life of ease