Transcendental Medication (Act III)

 

From Act II
< She was very attractive with piercing hazel green eyes and long straight black hair tied up neatly in a swinging ponytail but allowing perfectly cut bangs to cover her forehead. Her eyes were as stunning as a Montana sky and just as vast. Butterflies had left my stomach and created a chrysalis caravan traveling through my digestive tract straight towards my reproductive organs. It was complicated even more profoundly by her sensual and suggestive tone echoing through my soul. Maybe she wasn’t even there to begin with, the line that separated reality from non-reality had become wafer thin.>

<Nothing is the absence of anything. Anything is something so nothing must be something if its anything>

 

 

III Begin At The Beginning
J.T. Hilltop

When I got home from The Holistic Center still feeling sluggish from the hallucination induced medicated acupuncture needles the first thing I did was pour myself a big glass of wine. A very big glass of wine. I needed to process what just happened today and decide if it was wise to go back. The more I thought about the nurse I was with the more I feared it was all in my head. Was I imagining some pornographic manifestation of a dominatrix nurse? A scene from “Romancing The Bone” or some such weird porno movie in the hopes of some spiritual sexcapade while under acupuncture meditation? Was it just a wet daydream? Maybe I’m hoping for a close encounter of the supernatural sexual kind. Everything about it seemed so very real and she seemed to know me intimately. Besides I need to know what the hell this everything is nothing bullshit was all about and how far I would be taking this so I’m definitely going. Then again what if I go back to the opposite universe and its Dr. Kha that ties me up and toys with my pleasure zones. Erotic adventures involving Dr. Kha’s thermometer probes and patient doctor confidentiality. Then again if it is the nurse she was so hot and so sexy my libido did triple somersaults with a full twist and was hoping to stick a landing. I would have made a contract with the devil himself for an evening of exploration with her but who and what can I trust? Doctor Kha said equal and opposite! I’m not even sure if she was a manifestation of my inner desires or if that sweet temptress really exists. She seemed like eve thing but maybe its nothing. So fucking confused!
I near guzzled the first large glass of wine and as I poured a second I glanced at the calendar. My eyes went directly to two days from now, Friday the 27th. Twenty seven is a good number as numbers go. Two is balance and union and seven is a very spiritual number in nearly every religion. Together they add up to nine which is the highest level of changes. Hmmm, union, balance, and change! I looked away closing my eyes as if to think about it but I knew my mind was made up. I mean a night of deep philosophic discovery contemplating the secrets of science followed by a fantasy involving wild abandoned sex, what’s not to like. Secrets of science? OMFG, have I become a nerd? Maybe so, but when I wake up Saturday morning I will be one happy and satisfied nerd. I glanced dreamily back at the calendar but all I saw were those beautiful hazel eyes filled with longing and promise. Friday it is!

Of course Friday couldn’t possibly have dragged on longer if it were fitted with friction bars. From the moment I woke up all the way through the day all I could think of was my dominatrix nurse. I made four errors on my lunch orders at the restaurant which is four more than usual, and my head just wasn’t in it at all. But the shift finally limped slowly to an end and I flew home to prepare for my journey. Nothing was on my mind. That is to say the everything sort of nothing. Oh yea, sex was on my mind as well. Maybe nothing but sex but I was very excited on so many levels. After the longest shower in history I did my best to look my best and it certainly wasn’t for nothing, at least I was hoping it wasn‘t.
When I arrived no one seemed as excited as I was, acting as if this were just another mundane visit. Maybe it was for them but I came here to be enlightened and turned on like never before. Dr. Kha led me back to my cot, my waiting room to experience nothing, and began inserting his medicated needles. “Hmmm, I feel much tension JT, I think I need put more puncture in foot today. Not want you running away, eh?” Kha chuckled as if it were some inside joke but I barely heard him at this point. He knew something was up, or rather that nothing was up, or was going to be up but lest‘s not go there. “Just really looking forward to what’s in store Dr. Kha, to pick up exactly where I left off the other day.” My smile must have been huge. “I see. Remember JT, every session new session. Like snowflake nothing ever exact.” I turned to look at him but he was already gone. I thought about a line from The Wizard of Oz and laughed, “My, people come and go so quickly here”, then I laid back to meditate while thinking of other Oz quotes. “Some people without brains do an awful lot of thinking, a heart is not judged by how much you love but by how much you are loved by others, you’re confusing courage with wisdom my friend.” I entered my zone, incense and music comforting me, a soothing sitar solo and I was transported again.
“Dr. Kha?” I pushed my way past the smoky curtain of dimensions. “Very clever JT, using Wizard of Oz. You think other dimension same as Oz for Dorothy? Maybe you same than Dorothy.” I could feel a strong burst of air pushing me back towards the smoke curtain and had to fight it off. “You gotta admit there are similarities Kha, I know I’m not in Kansas anymore.” The air kept me at bay. “True, no Kansas JT, but no Oz either. If you want learn about nothing you need to enter completely.” I fought off the air blast, “I can’t seem to get any further this air current is keeping me away.” Kha smiled, “No air current JT, is nothing. Nothing is what keep you from moving forward. If you want to understand everything you must first conquer nothing.” Conquer nothing? What the hell is he talking about? I concentrated hard and the wind stopped. I could see my nurse off in the distance, on the other side of a pond or something. She caught my eye and smiled. I looked back at her and then at Kha.
What you see is desire JT, but before you receive reward of what you desire lesson must be understood. You are in paradox JT, time and space much different than what you know. In this dimension Schrödinger’s cat exist and not exist” I shook my head full of doubt, “Are you saying we are in a box Kha?” He laughed loudly, “Box? No JT, here no box, but here always need think out of box. No use logic, use sensory instincts. Let feelings guide you.” I glanced back over the pond but no nurse. “So am I really here or am I still laying on the mattress?” Kha smiled, “I sorry JT, cannot answer. Anyway wrong question. What you should ask is when are you here and when are you on mattress. First to understand time you need let go of perception. You measure time in linear progressions, seconds, minutes, hours. But time constant and wobbly, no straight. You have already existed and already ceased to exist, time not wait on you. Your life is how you experience time, how you put it in order to understand. But time not linear JT, time flexible.” Kha pulled out a yard of string, “This your life JT. For you it have beginning and end. But time have no beginning, no end, time ownry exist. You see your life from one end of string to other. If I give you string in different pieces you think it useless, just like if I show you your life at 19, then at 5, then at 30. Not make sense because out of order yet it all happen. That ownry way you can see time, moving straight and forward every second. If you want see time as time truly is need more than acupuncture and meditation. For special people I give special transcendental medication. Combine acupuncture with special medication to help you understand. I believe you ready but it up to you JT.” He paused looking at me as if I needed time to consider, but he must have known if my life has already been that I was going to go for it. “Dr. Kha, I want to understand. It would be my honor and a privilege to undergo transcendental medication.” I gave him a sly smile, “When did I start?” I looked at him hoping he got my joke and saw he was smiling. “Very good JT, I see I have chosen you wisely. I leave now but I back to arrange session.” He pointed across the water to where my fantasy had been waiting, “Meantime, I recommend you take rowboat across pond.”
Right there in front of me was a small dinghy with oars. I jumped in and rowed like a maniacal teen about to lose his virginity towards whatever waited for me across the pond. When I got there the other side it was even more amazing than I thought possible. It was like an island paradise, brimming with plants, trees, and flowers of all colors. It smelled clean and new, lilac and fresh cut grass with a sense of serenity. I followed a path taking in the sheer beauty around me. Flowers with their genitals boldly hanging out on display for all to see, giving off intoxicating scents to tickle the minds of men. With every breath I felt desire building up inside me awaiting release. Then I saw her.
Not a nurse, not a dominatrix, not even an exotic island native woman, but that gorgeous hazel eyed enticing beautiful woman from my first visit dressed as if for a date “I’m so glad you chose to come back JT, I am Ambrosina. I’ve been waiting for you. Come here.”
To Be Continued

 

EPIC FAIL

 

 

 

(National Suicide Prevention Lifeline..1-800-273-8255)

 

In the abyss of my desires
Under my hopes and dreams
Lie my unspoken thirst
To commune the beyond
Will I pass unto the gates
The passageway to eternity
Or does my fear of dying
Cause me to tremble with life
Shall I stand naked to the sun
Ready to melt into its warmth
Or shiver alone above the moon
Embrace the mother of all children
Soothe my soul asleep at her breast
Alas when I enter the realm of silence
I will finally be able to sing my song
When I reach the apex of my mountain
I shall finally be able to climb upward
And when Mother Earth claims my legs
I shall finally be able to dance
All I have to do is Die

 

Death is the female betrayed
The sweet song of Circe
The siren without mercy
But don’t expect her to curtsey
She comes clothed in a shroud
Whispering a dirge and a vow
But I can’t hear
The silence in my head is way too loud
My ears are exploding with trumpeting blood
An internal flood
A voice keeps urging me to do it
Go on…..End it
Type a goodbye note and send it
A life suspended but not extended
Don’t be offended but I don’t recommend it
Still the pain increases with no release
There’ll be no peace until I’m deceased
I need Mother Teresa
Nobody cares about a life in pieces
I feel defeated
Tried to die but failed completely
Many attempts veiled discretely
Not sure when but I’ll try it again
I need it to end…….but
How to do it?
A handful of pills to flood my brain
Take away all this insane pain
A razor to coax the syrup of life
Drain my blood to end my strife
Or will my loss of hope dangle from a rope
Perhaps I can finally OD on dope
Why do I even try
Why do I listen to the voice inside
Telling me I should die
Be better off dead he said
But I’m a failure inside
I didn’t even cry at my failed suicide
My sanctimonious attempt
With no final ride
So let me confide about all of my lies
I hated myself since the day I was born
Grew up busted disgusted and often forlorn
But that is my onus my own cross to bear
Bitching and moaning how life isn’t fair
Nobody cares
Death may not be me answer but still I try
To celebrate the day of my suicide
I don’t know, just guess I wanna die
Can’t figure out how I should say goodbye
I’m an epic failure need a suicide seminar
I failed at every suicide I’ve tried so far
Just can’t kill myself which I find bizarre
Maybe I should stop trying
I really suck a dying
Hopefully today I’ll get hit by a car

 

I lost a friend of mine since kindergarten to suicide. We lost touch and I found out later in life but it still haunts me. I suspect most of us have been effected by at least one suicide close to us, and I also suspect like me many of you have contemplated it however fleeting for at least a moment. Unlike the song in MASH suicide is not painless, especially to those who need to pick up the pieces. If ever depression send you down the road of self incrimination without a view of resolve, call a friend, write a letter, contact someone. I’ll listen, your family will listen, and if you need a stranger, The National Suicide Prevention Helpline is 1-800-273-8255.….
Live and Love in Peace

 

 

Defeating Hate

 

 

 

Crouched in the dark of hatreds shadow
The Phoenix of bigotry waits in patience
Someday it muses……. Some day
Hoping to kick off the dust of its ashes
Spread its alabaster wings of oppression
And soar on the winds of prior atrocities
History of hatred is attempting a comeback

 

The ghosts of the slave
Buried in dirt
Still shackled
Not even in a proper grave
The shame of one nation
Scarred by war
Remembered the words
We are all equal in the eyes of creation

 

We can never again allow bigotry to soar
Cause our rainbows to cower in disgust
Destroy a commonality built on trust
We shall rise in unison to tenets of hate
Stand and resist supremacists doctrine
Sip from cups overflowing with compassion
Side by side and hand in hand love will win
Only love can defeat Hate

 

George Santayana.. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it

Unknown…A fish rots from the head down…. Remove it before we all stink

JT Hilltop…. Speak out against racism, bigotry, and hatred every opportunity you can…. Silence is complicity

 

Live and Love in Peace

Death In Fibonacci Sequence

 

Death
It knocks
You hear it
It stands at your door
Waiting for you to open up
The Grim Reaper comes whether you are ready or not

 

Sleep
The end
Gone for good
Never to return
Death stands outside waiting for us
Everyone has one you just have to figure out where

 

Grave
Endless
forever
Eternal dreaming
The sunshine of the spotless mind
An eclipsing shadow of the obscured fading moon

 

Death
Rising
Not afraid
Standing in the hall
Waiting for its moment to rise
Knowing that it has found what it has been looking for

 

Fibonacci figured out a mathematical pattern that repeats itself so often in nature that it becomes one of those mysterious occurrences in the Universe that defy explanation.  I can’t profess to understand even an inkling of his genius, but that does not prevent me from appreciating it and giving a genius mind some props…….Live and Lover in Peace

Rage Against The Dying Of The light, and The Rise of Alt-Right

 

Moral outrage. A personal and emotional switch which turns on and off depending on what disgusts you. It is really simply your conscience expanding and retracting. Bigotry and racism has a way of flipping the switch in the blink of an eye. Both of those seeds grow crops of hatred which will only blossom into violence. In our country we have a long history of racism which today is growing like a cancer, quiet and deadly.

 

Last night was yet another example of what corrodes our shared values and increases the dividing rift further making us the Un-United States. But lets be serious here, if you find yourself unable to abhor and condemn any group which holds itself superior with a show of violence and force the likes of which we HAVE seen, and as a world united against to defeat, then you are not part of the problem, you are the entirety of the problem. Any asshole can hate and become violent, that’s easy, but to truly believe in and strive for peace is a difficult and noble act which is far more gratifying in the long run. I watch various newscasts to get a large view of things and was very disturbed when one news network went on to say we need to stop categorizing each other in defense of the hate filled mobs, wondered why no one reported on the other sides violence, then categorized the liberal observers as leftists and blamed them for dividing out country.

Name calling should have been left on the playground somewhere around fourth grade. How we all react to these incidences will have a long reaching effect on the future because our children are watching and listening. It may seem they are not paying much attention, but any parent worth their title knows they are silent sponges always trying to process what’s in front of them. Be the example you want to set and rage against racism, bigotry, sexism, and religious persecution in an honorable and respectful way.

As always sisters and brothers, Live and Love in Peace

 

Death After Death, The Finale

 

 

By J. T. Hilltop

 

I had enough at this point. This creator, this “Al” had made us humans seem so uncaring and in denial of our position in world evolution. As humans we have made immense contributions in the advancement of our planet. Yea I get it, I’m dead and in the afterlife now but I still care about humanity and its place in this planets history. Al had a lot more to say.

“So many of the creatures that have perished from your advances would disagree as to how great human accomplishments have been JT. You believe you are the superior species but you think nothing of killing each other. Sure you pretend to care, but look at it realistically. If you walked down the street with an assault rifle and killed ten men you would be arrested, locked up for the rest of your life. Do the same thing in combat and you’re a hero. You like to pick and choose who and when your killing is okay, but in the circle of life its only okay for impending survival. You kill due to a disagreement over arbitrary geographic boundaries or differing faiths. You never learned to process that important information. Life is precious. You place animals in cages away from where they live so your kids can all gawk at the mighty lion or funny chimpanzees. Ever think of how they got there? I can tell you they didn’t walk in and say could you please put me up here for the rest of my life, this jungle is scary. The journey to your game farms, zoo’s, and aquariums were not pleasant. Animals should be where they’re supposed to be, living on earth like everything else, even humans. But as you say, that barn door is closed, it has gone way to far and it will take an act of profound evolutionary coincidence to reverse it. On some levels humans are a disappointment. You see JT, when I created your universe I had one rule to follow, and that was to never interfere with the process and development of life. We create life and then watch it take its course.”

“Not that we grow things just to look at, we grow them to allow them to experience and hence evolve and adapt. You may not realize this but those mighty oaks you think do nothing but stand tall feel as proud as they look and they enjoy their lives, the dangers and pitfalls as well as the wonder of having birds nest on them and watching as the generations of robins live out their lives. Yes there are dangers out there, and survival of one is often at the expense of another, but life is a happy accident. It’s an honor to have one and you have had a very rich one if you really think about it. You can point out the ugly parts, the funerals you attended, losing people close to you, the tragedies of life, the struggles and hard times, but don’t overlook those good things. That’s what made life so worth living. How many of those mountains and waterfalls and trees and flowers did you have a chance to enjoy? How many moments of intense joy did you experience? More than many I can tell you that. If you think back the magnificence of life will far outweigh the tragedies. The truly sad part is it needs to end. Conscious life ends JT so another life may have its opportunity to thrive and experience. You had a great life and you were part of something very beautiful, those moments in time you had. Like the animal that dies in the forest, you never really leave, you just become another part of the forest. A dead animal was food for grub worms, which were eaten by crickets, which were eaten by owls and so on. Nothing really leaves the jungles, it becomes another form of life. You are more lucky because the cosmos is your jungle, and you get to become other parts of the universe. If there was one thing I wish humans could convey back after they die it would be to shake up the living and tell them to enjoy life. Stop fighting over things that don’t really matter and enjoy the fantastic world around them. But alas, I fear the message will never be brought back down to earth. Anyway, its your time to leave and your going where you were always meant to go.”

Now I was pretty much speechless. All I could do was think over all he had told me. Knowingly Al took me by the hand and walked me into another room, a much more comfortable room. It was warm and inviting and I began to get just a little nervous as if I were in a cosmic hospice. The room was all glass and surrounded by a huge garden filled to the brim with plants and flowers, and chipmunks and birds. Alive with sounds of life, chirps, growls, shouts, running water. Like I was getting a last look at all the beauty my planet had offered me through the years. There was a stairwell that led to what I guessed was an observation deck of some sort. Al pointed up the stairs and I went, all the time taking in the sights, sounds and smells. So beautiful, I hope I’m not going to miss it too much. When I got to the top I was blown away. It was like a dream observatory looking out into space, the cosmos, the multiverses, or maybe infinity. More stars than I had ever seen, even in my younger days before light pollution obscured my childhood nightscapes. “Oh my god Al, this is remarkable.” Al was smiling. “An odd choice of phrase, oh my god, don’t you think?” I knew he was teasing me so I gave him the response he wanted. “It’s a conditioned response Al, I get it. God is a concept we invented to explain how beautiful and precious life is. That’s what the woman I first met meant when she said God is everything. God does exist but its not in the form of a spirit, human, or even a scientist for that matter. God is a concept to help us understand the information we are unable to process. The truth. That’s what I’m here for right.?” Al just gave me a knowing nod and placed his arm over my shoulder. The two of us stared into the sky for some time, inhaling its enormity.
“So what Al, this is it? All the stars out there, is that where I’m going?” I was staring up through the skylight and the view was breathtaking. Literally. “Yes JT, that’s your next destination. You are a bundle of billions and billions of tiny balls of energy and you will be released out there to become energy parts in millions of other matter. That’s why as a young boy you would stare up at the night sky with such awe and wonder, you where looking up to your past as well as your future and it was…No it IS beautiful. All your dreams of astral transport, traveling from star to star, visits to the moon and beyond. It’s happening, it’s real. Except your present self won’t know it. You were meant to gather info on earth and absorb it so you can enrich the cosmos. This my son…this your big moment. You are about to become part of something bigger than you could ever imagine. So go ahead, take off JT.”
I gave Al one last look, and smiled at him. “I’m ready. Sorry I made you look so nerdy Al, you deserve better. Thank you, thank you so much for this.” We stood in silence for a few seconds. “You know you’re right Al, I remember staring up at the night sky and seeing the big beautiful moon, and the thousands of sparkling little stars and always imagined being part of it, being up there and dancing on the stars.” Al was smiling a big smile now and he nodded towards the stars. I knew, knew in an instant it was my time to go, I gave Al one last look, mouthed the words thank you one last time, and left my world a very happy bundle, of billions and billions of balls of energy.
The Beginning

 

Tears Of A Smiley Face

 

Jesus Christ my mirror is broken
I ain’t joking the bloke inside looks like he’s croaking
The figure I see could die from the choking
Too many years of toking and smoking
I have a notion his minds lost forward motion
Direct result of his explosive emotions
But I’ve misspoken
The figure that be isn’t the me that I see
A reflection of what all the others perceive
Not the young me wearing his age on his sleeve
Don’t mean to deceive but I don’t think they see
The once virile that man I believe I should be
A young mans reprieve in my minds reality
But let me intercede
They just don’t see a strong heart of stone
Just an old man alone with nothing to show
But a history of abuse and deteriorating bone
And far too many opportunities all of which be has blown
Now a victim of age all on his own
Meet the old man owning Osteoporosis
Cirrhosis and narcosis in a body atrocious
Struggling through life in an ageless psychosis
So many maladies it makes me precocious
So focus
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Work that shit into your rhymes bitches
Then tell me this ain’t so dope it leaves you in stitches
While you scratching your itches and counting your riches
Yea its got glitches both pernicious and malicious
But its gritty and witty nutritious and delicious
Don’t be so suspicious
I’ve got so many regrets they’ve been repossessed
I’ll keep them suppressed at your behest
So I’ll gladly confess to all my crimes and excess
But I digress
As a sign of the times I try to read between the lines
The wrinkles define why I cry and I whine
Behind the hazel cry soaked old eyes
Hides a soul blinded by this life and it’s lies
No one wants to hear bout the lows and the highs
They just sympathize hearing bout my demise
Wrinkles and crows feet my conciliation prize
Old but not wise
Maybe they see a smiley face his eyes all a shine
Never once guessing that inside he keeps crying
Once he was flying now waiting and dieing
Or maybe I’m lying
Maybe I’m no more than a book on a shelf
Pissing and moaning feeling sorry for myself
Crying on my lonesome because I screwed up to the hilt
The Pinball Wizard who keeps hitting a tilt
But this broken life is all I have built
So fuck me I suck
I’ll dry my eyes on my guilt

 

Live and Love in Peace

She Said I Never Write About Love So……

 

 

Love is
An innocent child flower who grew up
In the garden of an unsteady future
Seeds sown where only dreams may visit
To a romantic bounty that longs for itself
Yet strives to never be reaped in loneliness
Love is
The longing fleeting arrows spiral course
In eternal flight ardently sailing forward
Upon the path of the infinite archer
Attempting to obtain endless distance
Into the depth of tomorrows chasm
Love is
The beating wings of passions glory
In a furious frenzy of adulation
Under the incandescent evening glow
Of a bright and sultry lunar simper
Midnight ushering affectionate auras
Love is
Two spirits strolling hand in hand
To a place where the bodies desires
Become sated with mutual rapture
Unbridled of restraint they sing their song
Which echoes across the erotic wind
Distant stars winking in approval
Creating a beacon of lustful allegiance
Love is
Retrospection gilded in a rosy brilliance
Tears formed into pools of halcyon delight
Tranquil waters longing to rush to the sea
To be washed to shore as a lost memory
Wouldn’t it be nice if memories didn’t fade
But went to where dreams become songs
And memories become tales forever retold
Shared through the eons of all lovers lifetimes
And viewed through the eyes of the future
That’s what Love is to me
But what do I know?

 

*Some people worry when an artist dances too close to the edge of darkness but some of us just seem to be wired a little darker than the “norm”. That’s cool, because every emotion needs to be explored and celebrated. When creative people express themselves they do it through a variety of disciplines, humor, words, music, art, or just straight up therapy. I can’t sing or play any instrument and even my stick figures look like shit but I can joke and write. I like to place myself outside my comfort zone which is why this is one of a very few pieces in which I will write about love as opposed to depression, the trials of aging, or facing death. I don’t like being uncomfortable, but it does get my creative impulses flowing. Thank you for this indulgence….
Live and Love in Peace

 

Interface Mountain, A Modern Evolutionary Three Act Tale

By J. T. Hilltop

ACT I
There was a really loud bang, sudden darkness, and a symphony of glass shattering into a million pieces followed by a wall of sound stereo system of twisting crunching metal in an uneven rhythm. “What t remember a thing. Yes, yes that’s it, yea, I was driving down the highway in a mad rush for work and then…..and then… and then what?” Everything is so damn foggy. No, not metaphorically foggy, actual dry ice on a stage foggy. “Wait! Where am I?” Am I in a fugue state filled with hazy wafting smoke. I don’t think so, I feel like an empty shell of a person, like everything passes through me but my memories are a plethora of echoes. Could this be death? No, but maybe I‘m just super stoned…It sure don’t smell like weed though, in fact it smells sort of clinical and pristine, maybe a hospital so probably not in my car stoned. So then where exactly am I? What’s with all the mist? Okay think…I was in my car on the way to work and what? “No! Oh shit now I remember, some asshole car came across the median straight towards me and into……. Oh fuck no, I was in an accident!” I am in a hospital. Yea, that’s it, I’m in a hospital and….. No wait, that can’t be right, the mist, no tubes or wires, no beeps, not in a bed, I’m…ah I’m in a… I’m sitting on a bench? No, not a bench. Wait! Am I fucking dead?” My flair for the dramatic apparently still alive I paused for effect…..That’s when shit began to settle into my head and shine a light on my situation. I am dead, I was killed in a car accident and now I’m in….. In where? The Twilight Zone? A morgue? Not Heaven! Purgatory then? Was I wrong about heaven and hell all this time? Maybe God’s punking me by placing me in the ‘Heaven Can Wait’ waiting room. Or sending me my own personal George Bailey AS2 guardian angel Clarence Oddbody to take me away and earn his wings. Hold on here, I’m an existentialist so if there is God he isn’t about to let me hang out on his turf, he’d probably send me to everlasting church or something just as tedious. So then just where the Hell am I, pardon the expression? As I was pondering my potential fate a loudspeaker broke the unearthly silence. “Hilltop, Justin Thyme? Is there a JT Hilltop here?”
Before I heard this announcement I was merely confused, attempting to piece together recent events. Some weird dream, maybe a coma dream or something but whatever it was I thought I was all alone. There are other people here waiting for what I supposed their own fates would be. I’m in some kind of group of the misplaced dead and I’m being paged. Now I’m like “Pew pew pew BAM.. Mindfuck!” Here I am trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my death when I get mind-fucked by a loudspeaker. Should I stand up or should I pretend I didn’t hear it? I was just about ready to find an exit when standing right in front of me was a young dude. “You’re JT, yes?” I gave this, this, umm, young entity the once over. A nerdy looking kid somewhere in his late twenties with thick rimmed glasses and a bargain store suit that was a bit to big for his small frail frame. He had thick short dark black hair with a pencil behind his ear but not a hint of a smile on his face. He didn’t even look my way as he was reading something on a clipboard waiting for confirmation from me. After a few seconds of silence he spoke again in a monotone voice, “Don’t make this difficult Mr. Hilltop, you’re already dead so you really have nowhere else to go. Nobody gets out so just come with me please.” He never even waited for acknowledgement just began walking away. I followed blindly as he led me down a hallway.
I was kinda hoping he was in search of his lost personality but sensed he was searching for my place whatever that may be. A place for me to exit. What a shit word to think of when your dead, exit! I decided I would try and engage this nerd so maybe he could help acclimate me as to just where I was or give me an indication of where we were heading, “So I died huh? Was it the accident? I bet it was the accident. So what, is this your full time job or are you just filling in? Is this even a job bringing the dead to their final destination?“ No response, “Come on man have some pity on a dead dude, help me out a little. Who exactly are you working for?” His pace quickened, “We all have our tasks here Mr. Hilltop. I work for no one and yet I work for everyone now just come along please, no time for idle chatter.” I processed his statement. No time? Maybe he has no time but if I’m dead then time is irrelevant, “I’ve nothing but time young dude, so help an old man out, what’s going on here? What are you like the Geek Death Squad?” The nerd shook his head as though I was exasperating to him, “Mr.Hilltop you died! Expired, kicked the bucket. You have ceased to exist. You were in a car accident and died because a drunk driver hit you head on. Looking over your file sir it seems about as an approprriate way to die as I’ve ever seen given your pension for the bottle. That or cirrhosis but either way how you died is insignificant. Your at the terminal right now, and please no lame jokes about the name terminal its been done a few million times over the years by people far more witty than you think you are. I’m a death agent assigned to take you to your Sherpa who will assist you in your transition. Now please keep quiet and continue to follow me we’re nearly there.” Transition? Great, more questions less answers. I peered at the doorways along the way and it appeared they had different religious symbols on them until we reached one door that had a big red X and the word Atheists on it.
Suddenly I was feeling like my head was spinning. Not really dizzy, but constantly spinning. Grumpy the young douche-nerd death agent opened a door speaking to someone on the other side, “I have a very uncooperative Mr. Justin Thyme Hilltop here sir. He never shuts up and he is now your problem, not mine.” The person on the other side of the door mumbled something incomprehensible and the young agent of death let out an exasperated sigh, “Well techniquely he doesn’t believe in any deity so he’s all yours Dee.” The door opened wide as the agent motioned to me to walk through. I walked inside. That is to say I walked through the door but actually found myself outside. It was about halfway up a huge beautiful mountain. Surrounded by gorgeous greenery of tree’s and shrubs, the sound of running water combined with an assortment of indefinable sounds made from various animals. I mumbled “paradise” as I noticed an old man with long white hair complete with matching silvery beard standing in front of me. “What the fuck are you like Kung Fu Gandalf or something man? Am I in Middle Earth?” The old man smiled warmly like…..well like Gandalf actually, “No Justin, I’m not Gandalf, I’m certainly no magician or wizard or even ninja and this is nothing like Middle Earth. You’re on Interface Mountain. I’m what you might call your Sherpa, my name is Dee Bays. Its my job to lead you back to the Mountain Mainframe after discovering your rightful place. Hopefully you can be re-appropriated correctly.” I chuckled, “You’re who then and this is what now? Sorry old dude but I didn’t get a word of what the hell you just said. All I wanna know is are you the one who can tell me what exactly is going on here?” The man had ancient looking eyes, much older than even he himself. It appeared as though they had viewed centuries of pain and sadness yet they had an incredibly calming effect. It was as though those warm narrow orbs were a separate entity that seemed to wrap me in a hug putting me at ease. Old dude placed his arm over my shoulders, “It’s okay Justin, or do you really prefer JT?” I smiled, “You can call me whatever you want but I prefer JT. How much longer do I have?” The old dude let a small laugh slip out, “Are you in a hurry JT? I can speed this up if you want?” I was pretty sure he was teasing me but just in case I answered with a hint of fear and desperation, “No,no,no, seriously, I’m in no hurry. Its just….Well my head is spinning and I’m confused.” Old dude began walking up a mountain path signaling for me to follow, “Your head is spinning because of the buffering JT, it’s a side effect of dying. It will go away once your operating system is re-booted.” More confusion, “My operating system? Re-boot? What the fuck?”

TBC

Secrets and Obsessions

 

 

Obsessions once revealed
Leave the soul naked
And the heart vulnerable
So we hide them away
Where no one can see
Our little secret

The secrets revealed
Expose the hard truth
We share them in faith
And hope that love stays
We open our hearts
Lay it on the line
That’s the first mistake

 

Napoleon believed our obsessions
Are the best way to govern our perspective
Because our obsessions can hold us hostage
Shackled to our deepest secrets
Daring us to reveal our egos
I have secrets and obsessions
I know that you have them too
It’s the mysterious inner glue
That binds us to ourselves
Without secrets and obsessions
We’re incomplete
Kick it……
Secrets and obsessions, transgressions and digressions
Concessions and confessions lead to many unanswered questions
We are obsessive about our obsessions our truths kept in suppression
So what’s the suggestion
Unsuppress the suppression?
No way
Secrets are here to stay
They’re untold portions of our stories
Truths we should never reveal
Something to conceal
Secrets not meant to dissolve into memories
But become raindrops in our attics
Obsessions make us addicts
Deep in the cathedrals of desire
Go lower but take me higher
Where we worship our master
In hallways of internal adversity
Where perversity is in such diversity its an alert for me
Some things that a lover should never see
But for me that was not to be
I let her see and she laughed at me
Now I know she knows the worst of me
So out of courtesy I’ll let you see the destiny hidden inside of me
I’m a catastrophe of hypocrisy
An oddity without a prophesy
And that hurts me
So now you see secrets are meant to be
Covered with a veil of mediocrity
I offer no apology just keep the wall in front of me
Secrets and Obsessions
Best to hold them internally