PRIMORDIAL BRAIN STEW

Space-Oddity

Thoughts On The Evolution Of Revolution The Leading Cause Of Sleep Pollution

Not sure where I’m going with this yet cuz it’s a work in progress but there’s a new thought bouncing around this cauldron of a disjointed and sometimes warped thought container that prevents me from indulging my desire to enter my nocturnal trance. My insomnia is also a work in progress defined as “a chronic sleep disorder characterized by inability to suspend consciousness allowing the mind and body to restore.” Wow, sounds so much worse when I read it back. Whatever. I define it as having mind numbing bullshit stuck in my head that keeps me from sleeping at night. What sort of devious subject matter can force me into mentally pacing the floor while dredging up uneeded concerns with global implications? War.
War is a fact of life. It even precedes the tribes of Cro-Magnon beings raiding other tribes for food. (and of course sex). For humans however, since those bloody disagreements wars have been fought for a variety of reasons. Arbitrary and imaginary lines of property ownership, imaginary kingdoms or beings (gods), or someone’s greed, jealousy, and/or revenge. Why do we war? A primordial power struggle to determine the alpha male? An architectural power struggle to dermine who has the largest erection. A states desire to improve its citizens lifestyles by dominating and owning someone else’s? Are we pre-destined to war just to establish dominance, to have dominion over all others? It does seem that way with the military of various countries engaging in penis waving contests. Wave a flag, wave a penis, same thing. An attempt to prove that our cannons are bigger than their cannons and our missiles stand higher than their puny little projectiles. Many believe war determines who best to control the world while others believe its is necessary to control population and economic stability.
This existentialist believes that our innate need for war isn’t just about insecure governments in pissing contests but that it’ a necessary facet for the survival and natural progression of our species. A necessity of evolution. Part of the evolutionary cycle which forces us into a new environment giving us reason to blaze trails of the seemingly impossible. To boldly go where no species has gone before. Just like when our water dwelling ancestors left the security of the ocean to brave a new existence on land so long ago. Those brave gill breathing creatures that first ventured out and evolved fins into legs an arms, and gills into lungs. Not some cheesy mutation like the Creature From The Black Lagoon but much more spectacular creature that would evolve into millions of other land dwellers.
In the beginning there was just a bare ocean begging for life but over time a combination of coincidences happened forming an organism. Out of the primordial stew life was born. A single cell organism which duplicated itself over and over. Natures first cloning experiment. Somewhere along the line one organism broke out of the code of duplicate single cell life-forms and mutated. The result was a two celled organism just itching to mutate some more. Variety, the splice of life. More mutations occurred and suddenly, well not suddenly more like over the course of millions of years, the ocean was filled with all kinds of mutated multi-celled organisms of various size and shape all vying for their chance to rule the water-world. What do these organisms need to survive? Water, food, and procreation. So the mutations adapted in glorious and phenomenal ways to reach the main goal, survival of the species. Some evolved into faster and larger organisms, and developed appendages for better hunting abilities. The rule of life was born, survival of the fittest The smaller organisms became prey and were forced into shallow water where they were safer. The oversized large fuckers couldn’t get that close to shore so the shorelines became a haven for the small and disenfranchised. Unfortunately the shallow waters soon got over run with runts with tiny fins and dorsal envy so food became scarce. Then the very first organism bravely left the water in search of a better life. More and more species adapted to breathing air and the appendages became used for locomotion. New survival strategies were forged as these species evolved in their brave new world. All kinds of strategies for hunting, hiding, defenses, and protecting the propagation of their species. Strategies of ensuring the survival of their young became a challenge so land strategies were formed from laying hundreds of eggs, to burying eggs, all the way up to having eggs hatch in utero when the species had only one or two offspring and needed to protect it from predators until gestation. All sorts of adaptations were formed in attempt to continue living.
Fast forward to dinosaurs who were too big and clumsy and just fucked up all the vegetation. A random asteroid knocked the shit out of everything and newer and smaller species survived and evolved from slug, to monkey, to human. Now the earth is once again becoming overrun and our natural resources are in danger of disappearing. What better way for the self proclaimed owners of earth to thin the crowd than to legally kill off a lot of weaker humans. So war kills off the poor and the weak leaving more food and room for those fucking alpha’s. Don’t hold your breath waiting for the meek to inherit this shit, they don’t want it.
That’s the kind of shit that keeps me up at night. Pondering deep questions like war and evolution. It also leads to some shit dreams, not the cool one that leave you all “What in the fuck was that all about” in the morning. Instead I lay awake troubled whether or not wars and overpopulation are tools of evolution designed to force us out of this comfort zone called earth and on to other planets.
The conclusion I arrived at after a number of sleepless nights is war is necessary and natural. Not to worry I’m still a hippie pacifist and I’m against war, I merely view it differently these days. If we are going to continue as a species we need to get off our asses and go to infinity and beyond! That’s the true and practical purpose war serves, thinning out the population sure, but it will force us to expand our explorations with great abandon to have a suitable planet on which to survive. Someday all those weapons of mass destruction will be fuel sources of mass migration and our lungs may evolve to breath carbon dioxide, our bodies to function free from gravitational requirement. That would be heavy! The explosive nature of our inventions will be used to propel us into space instead of into oblivion. Man I wish I would be around to see that day. And as always its science that will lead the way. It was my love of science that brought me to this conclusions. The science of microbiology.
So what’s been keeping me awake many nights is something that can’t even be seen with the naked eye. Not even the scantily clad eye can catch a glimpse of these micro-organisms. Sometimes its the tiniest of things can be the deadliest and bring down the most powerful of giants. A war is waged from the moment you are born and will continue long after you die right inside your body on a battlefield you need a microscope to view. You have a fully staffed army of billions and billions of anti-body troops poised to engage in war to protect you from microbial massacre. And those microbes are just as determined to end your reign of existence and become food for them to feed their starving families. Damn man, as if knowing tiny spiders crawl in my mouth while I snore isn’t bad enough, now I lose sleep knowing those diminutive demons may be a vehicle for something even smaller, more deadly and after viewing what bacteria look like under a microscope, by far much creepier than the meek arachnids…..Sleep well

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Don’t Forget To Wipe Your Opinion When You’re Finished

opinion

PSA on DICKS awareness
Opinions are like religions, everybody has one. Actually, religions are opinions and that’s why we hate the holy piety pushers as much as the opinionated asses. Imagine if someone came knocking at your door to tell you if you vote for gun control you will burn in hell? But some people feel an obligation to spread, even threaten everlasting damnation in the name of their faith, or let everyone else know how wrong and ignorant they are on political issues. In the end religion can’t be proven so its an opinion. Is Jesus is the son of God, did Moses lead your people from Egypt, or has Allah spoken to Mohammed. Vishnu, Krishna, Siddhartha, whoever the god of the moment its only an opinion. I suppose that’s why religion is as hotly debated as right and left wing politics.
Religion and opinions can be of value when used properly. For many people religion is the only hope they have and a good political debate can shine a light on both sides of an emotional coin. But forcing your opinion or religion on someone else makes one a condescending arrogant asshole. But studies have shown that this may not be their fault, they may have little to no control over how they air their opinions or religious beliefs in either public or on the internet. Someone who suffers from this may be actually have an obscure disease called Delusional Idiots and Conceited Know-it-all Syndrome (DICKS), in which they have a compulsion to inject their faith and/or opinion into every forum. Very often they feel compelled to force their political opinions or core faith values in every social media post. Here’s some examples:

I) Post- “Had a wonderful trip down memory lane visiting my old hometown.” Mostly lots of happy replies, but one suffering DICKS may add, “It used to be a great before all those lazy illegal’s moved in.” or “Too many shootings there these days, but if they want to shoot each other they will find guns anyway so don‘t take away my guns, a law won‘t change anything.” Delete that shit.
2) Post- “Just got back from the hospital and feeling much better.” Most responses are supportive, but someone with DICKS may say “You wouldn’t feel so bad if it wasn’t for Obamacare, he’s ruining the nation with his socialism” Delete that shit
3) Post- “Had a great time at Busch Gardens.” DICKS.. “Garden my ass, Bush knew about the attacks all along and did nothing. The worst president ever!! Delete that shit
4) Post “I am so happy for my son, he is now able to legally marry the man he loves” Friends will join in a celebration without judgment but a DICKS challenged person will say “The bible says a man can not lie with another man as he would a woman. Homosexuality is an abomination”, conviently leaving out the parts of the bible about killing one who does, loving each other, or all children being gods children. Delete that blasphemes shit
5) Post-“Wahooo…just won ten thousand bucks in the lottery!” Normal folks happy but DICKS “Well God must have wanted you to win for some reason. Why he chose a sinner like you is beyond me, you’re going straight to hell. Unless of course you convert, you can start by donating to my church“…Delete that shit.

Anyway, you get the idea, and I’m sure you know someone who feels compelled to blame the worlds problems on a Liberal Socialist trying to ruin our country, or an out of touch Conservative who wants to go back to the fifties. Or you know someone who praises god every time fortune blows its fate their way but curses the lousy horoscope of the day.
I love a debate, but a true debate involves open minded people expressing views on a particular subject in a civil manner. But these poor afflicted individuals enter into debates uninvited and unaware that their minds have already been made up and no further discussion is needed. Doctors advise that you not engage these misguided assholes, but do your best to ignore them. They won’t go away, but you can have fun watching them get really pissed off when no one cares, listens, or responds. Here are some of the warning signs of early onset of DICKS:

1. People afflicted with DICKS believe that the universe exists only for their enjoyment
2. DICKS is often accompanied by a compulsion to watch opinion based TV shows disguised as All News Networks
3. People suffering with DICKS give out free advice but are incapable off following any.
4. Often acting as judge jury and executioner the poor schmuck with DICKS feels there is never justice.
5. People with DICKS very often begin their statements with line like, “I’m not a racist but…or Wake up! If you really knew what was going on…”

These are a few of the warning signs but in general doctors recommend avoiding people that have a tendency towards narcissism or project an over inflated ego. The best way to keep DICKS out of your life is to avoid them at all costs and not engage them. Chronic sufferers should be unfriended or at the very least hidden so as not to infect your real friends who are not DICKS and enjoy your time on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or any other medium these sick individuals tend to frequent. Remember, these individuals are ill and the disease causes them to stalk the internet in search of arguments, and if they can‘t find one will turn an innocent thread into a political or religious statement. They may friend you, your friends, or other people or groups just to have an opportunity to debase others so beware. Finally be patient, and as hard as it may be do not, I repeat DO NOT use sarcasm. They seldom understand it, it seems to go over their heads, and it only frustrates them inflaming their condition causing them to become even bigger DICKS than they already are. Don’t let this obscure disease ruin your good times. IGNORE, UNFRIEND, and continue to live a good life without them. Peace….

American Idle

alex

Video Killed The Civil Rights Dream

I was raised to believe that hard work and determination will reward me with success. Bullshit! Those days are long gone, the rules have changed. The workplace isn’t the arena for making big bucks nowadays unless you can wrestle up a sexual harassment suit from HR. Legal manipulation is the easiest path to the top today. Anything but hard work man, that shits for suckers.
Think you got what it takes to make it in music? Don’t bust your ass playing in low income gigs and performing all week long. Get yourself on a competition game show. Can you whistle happy birthday through your nose? Fuck yea baby, that’s good enough to get you on a talent challenge. Fuck the winning prize money what you want is to get noticed. Be an asshole or a bitch and they’ll come looking to sign you up for or a new show. All you need do today is be a character and sell your shitty self absorbed personality. We’ll pay for it because Barnum was wrong, there isn’t a sucker born every minute suckers multiply by the second when they watch reality TV. Just check out the prime time TV listings and choose where you fit in. A backwoods idiot, white trash toddler, a catty rich housewife or mob or rap star wife, bad girl, crazy masochist boy, Jersey Shore loser, the list goes on. Apparently our lives are so boring we’ve become desperate to peek in on the lives of losers who live in constant drama or are such assholes they command our attention.
I don’t know, maybe we just want to know that there are bigger assholes in this world than us. I must admit when I’m driving I’m often guilty of this. If the person in front of me pulls an asshole move I feel compelled to stare inside their car as I pass. Almost as if I need to see exactly what an asshole driver looks like so I can avoid looking like one myself. Or perhaps I need to be able to recognize the facial features of idiot driver o I can avoid them off the road as well.
But whatever it is the American television viewing public seems transfixed on other peoples lives whether its watching them get drunk and act stupid, have a meltdown in public, trash talk their BFF’s, or just be out of place billionaires like the ones that made their fortune making duck calls. I watched that one for five minutes and I’ve had a recurring nightmare of being chased in a swamp by living chia pet people. But that’s what the people want, so that’s what the networks give them
As for me I have more than enough stress and drama in my own life to want to see someone else go through theirs. I‘m much more comfortable with serial killers, crooked cops, and horny doctors and interns. But creative stories with actual professional actors is more costly and a lot more work so the networks are more than happy to bring you bullshit competitions and real life drama they insist are unscripted.
Sit com? Here’s an idea for a new sitcom, a stereotype of an idiot male, a stereotype of a suburban wife, a gay family member, a minority thrown in for laughs, and a precocious little kid. Put them in situations so bizarre it couldn’t happen in anyone lifetime, allow some mispronunciation of words, let the male do something stupid while the female get pissed. In the end the buffoon of a husband can do something that makes everyone go “awwwww” because for a dope its so thoughtful, and you have a sit com. Maybe not original but it works. In comedy these days its one size fits all, no room for intelligent comedies anymore, moronic is what sells.
The funny thing is all the while the same viewers are constantly complaining about how much coverage celebrities get when they fuck up. Look at Lindsay Lohan, more well know from her antics in public than any of her movies. Amanda Bynes, Kardashians, Charlie Sheen, anyone who screws up in real life gets away with all kinds of shit. Whenever they get the coverage people seem outraged that they make news. Hello!! It wouldn’t be news if people didn’t pay attention so stop paying attention.
When I was a kid the TV was called an idiot box, or boob tube because watching for hours drained us of our capacity for critical thinking or cognitive thought. Now the kids that were transfixed by the pixilated screen are the ones creating this boring and irrelevant television. The boob part of boob tube is how much boob showing they can get away with the deterioration of the programming in general is idiotic. I truly hope the up and coming generation can somehow get away from the bullshit that has become modern TV, and pay attention to what the fuck is going on in the world, because its their world. When people talk about my era, the 60’s, it consistent with drugs, and riots, war, and dissonance. What’s forgotten is the cosmic language we all spoke back then, the language of hope. It wasn’t only King who has a dream, we all did, and if anything I seriously hope the young generation watches the stories surrounding the 50th anniversary of the single most important moment in civil rights history and learn…..PEACE

Has Anyone Seen My Tab Of LSD? Dad? OMFG!!

imagesCAN03VWJ

A Trip Around The Yard

Alan was feeling a little bit guilty about violating his son‘s trust. He respected Ian’s right to privacy but his suspicions were so deep he felt he had to infringe. He didn’t want his son smoking that evil devils weed or worse. As a devout Jesuit he was responsible to raise his son to be a follower of The Society of Christ and if he found Ian straying he could use that to send his son into a Jesuit school, maybe even go to Loyola someday. His wife Sadie was catholic and had opted not to upset the forbidden apple cart by converting and as long as Ian was swathed in the blanket of Jesus they could compromise. The compromise was a typical agreement between husband and wife in the 50‘s, Sadie agreed not to cut Alan off forcing Alan to agree to just about anything. In truth that was the single bone of contention between them, Sadie insisted on Ian remaining a “Good catholic” and not a Jesuit so Alan gave in “for now“. That was the one and only time she aired dissidence.
All Alan needed to convince her being a Jesuit would be in Ian’s best interests was to catch him in a sin. He was relatively certain his son was smoking pot and he wanted to find some evidence of wrongdoing that would give him the upper hand and release the vaginal wrench Sadie clenched on his desires. Alan was the man of the house and as such he should in theory have final say in major decisions, but in practice he opted for bedroom bliss over being boss on this one. He looked over his shoulder nervously and began opening the desk drawer as silently as possible. After rifling through the entire desk he was disappointed to not find any evidence but relieved his son seemed to be keeping his head on his shoulders. He wasn’t thinking about anything in particular when he placed the life saver in his mouth, it was more of a reflex. He had no way of knowing he had just unwittingly ingested a tasty tab of Orange Sunshine LSD. In fact it would be almost an hour until he even began to feel any effect, much too long of a time lapse to connect the two together even if he had suspected something. The rest of the covert search also turned up nothing so he left his son’s room and went to his secret haven, his escape room to relax before mowing the lawn. He locked the door behind him and sat down in his lounge chair at his sacred sanctuary.
It had always seemed funny to Ian that his Dad spent so much money on a Cadillac but turned the room meant to keep that expensive car into a fortress of escape with no room for the car. A small fridge filled with beers, a lounger, a small TV and radio all surrounded by his tools. But that’s where you could find Alan whenever the stresses of suburban life got to him. He called it his palace. Alan needed to relax because he always stressed out at the thought of performing his most despised suburban chore. Lawn maintenance. People here in Hamilton New Jersey were judged harshly by the state of their lawns. A well kept lawn was the ultimate status in town and would make the homeowner a well respected man about town, but an unkempt lawn was a ticket to the lowest rung of suburban development and a surefire way to have yourself snubbed and ostracized.
But the yard had to be manicured and Alan dutifully mowed and trimmed his sacred acre of green pride with an unusual joviality which at times made him actually laugh to no one in particular. When Alan finished his dreaded chore he smiled having found it mildly amusing and uncharacteristically pleasant. When he performed the finishing touch of edging it was oddly funny for some reason. He had also done some very deep thinking while tackling this normally mundane chore and surprised himself having come up with some new concepts and theories about life. His life to be exact. He put away his lawnmower and edger and then sat back in his recliner to close his eyes and consider the implications of his newly gained perspective. Besides it was a hot one out there today and he was tired so a cold beer and a short nap would fit his bill. As he laid back and relaxed a sense of serenity settled across his body and mind. Alan was meditating without even realizing. After fifteen minutes his cheek muscles began to move involuntarily forcing a rather large smile onto his face. His eyes were closed yet bustling with activity as they entered the rapid eye movement state even though he was far away from sleeping. He found himself inexplicably listening closely to all the sounds around him, the leaves gently tickling the ground a they danced acros the cement floor, the wings of some kind of bug flapping melodically, a cricket scratching a tune on its hind legs. Sounds that were always around but never noticed, at least not is such a grand way. Alan was smiling and humming and the visions in his minds eye were churning up childhood memories. Cartoon characters. He saw Popeye and Olive Oyl, Mighty Mouse, Huckleberry Hound, Top Cat, and many more cherished cartoon characters all involved in some bizarre collective cartoon specifically portrayed for his entertainment. As if he had taken hallucinogens before he rolled with it not for a second letting the images upset or confuse him. He was smiling a huge involuntary smile and he knew it. He felt it! He felt the muscles of his cheeks pulling upwards pressing up against his eye sockets, the corners of his mouth contract inwardly, and his jaw line stretch halfway around his head. He chuckled to himself understanding he was rising to a new conscientiousness.
For quite a while Alan merely sat back and enjoyed his trip as he contemplated his life and what it was all about. His smile began to desert him as he realized what a rut he’d found himself in. “What the hell am I doing? The same thing day in and day out, go to work, come home, have dinner, watch TV, and go to bed. What am I doing this all for?” He continued feeling morose and sorry for himself for living what others had convinced themselves was “The American Dream”. But what the hell kind of dream is this drudgery of existence? Why was he just going through the motions, why wasn’t he an international spy, or an astronaut or something exciting? Anything more exciting than a carbon copy of every other shit middle class robot in town. His mood was taking a dangerous turn from comedy to tragedy in mere seconds.
Alan clasped his head between his hands attempting to squeeze the bad thoughts from his mind. Bugs seemed to be buzzing around e3verywhere but one bug in particular was just outside his ear and singing a song to him. Not a song he recognized, more nonsense singing in a weird bug voice like “eyy ya ya dadada dadeedadee, dadada…..get outta my ear!” Wait, was the bug trying to tell him some profound truth? Could this be where he finds true meaning? Alan contemplated intensely what message this omen bug was showing him when he laughed out loud, “Get out of my ear? Hahaha, did some bug just fly in my ear and say get out of my ear?” He laughed some more, not startled or confused but back in a state of control, of understanding, as though tripping on LSD was his true calling and not some foreign experience impossible to understand. He opened his eyes and continued talking to himself, “Holy shit, I feel so strange. I’m not sure what in the Hell is going on but I think I like it. I feel like I‘m in some bizarre 3D movie or one of those optical illusion pictures” The bug continued to sing the same song over and over in his ear and much to his delight he was neither concerned nor puzzled, he was comfortable with it. Suddenly startled Alan thought he saw movement from the corner of his eye as he jumped up from his chair.
“Is someone here? Come on now I know someone else is here, I can hear you and I know you’re in here. Who is it?” Alan was still chuckling lightly but beginning to feel uneasy. The bug stopped singing and in a much deeper and human voice it said to him, “Its me Alan, Franco. You remember me don‘t you? Saint Francis from the days back at the room. I sure as hell remember you, all of you. You guys all laughed and called me Franco. Then you did those things to me, those horrible things. I can still feel the pain.” Alan sat back down now suddenly frightened and uncertain of what was happening. An old buried memory he was unaware of was being stirred up and settling in his head. He was remembering, the room, the lights, the loud noises, and….and “Franco? This can’t be, it wasn’t real. But maybe it was. Oh my God, I remember now Franco. They told us no one would get hurt, we never meant to”….. A knock on the door sent a shiver of paranoia erasing the memory and replacing it with profound worry. “Dad? Its me, Ian. Can I come in? I think we nee to talk.”

I Really Dig The Big Wheels Can I Take It Out For A Testosterone Drive?

monster-truck

An Average Joe May Be Above Average
“Check out how much power this bad boy has.” I think that’s what the truck salesman was screaming over the obnoxious babbling engine but it may have been distorted. When the roar took short break I queried, “Do you have anything a little less phallic and a bit more practical?” I was looking to buy a small truck, not make a statement of overcompensation but this salesman was bent on selling this huge truck with huge wheel and a huge roar that screamed ’don’t look at my small bulge but check out this monster extension of my inadequacy.”
OK really, what’s up with that? Are women in general turned on by loud greasy engines? I mean I’m not a ten inch stud or the owner of a powerful crank case of grinding gears but I have sufficient equipment and what’s more important I know how to use that equipment to get the most out of it. I think back on how idiotic our high school days were, and how we believed we could compensate for our awkwardness of dating by playing a guitar, or driving a muscle car, or something else that formulated a false sense of manhood. But I couldn’t carry a note, couldn’t play an instrument, was uninterested in sports, and lacked self confidence. But I did have a job in a restaurant so at least I had some money, plus I was learning to cook.
My ever helpful Mom suggested I take Home Economics where I could hone my culinary attributes. But back then a class in Home Ec only assured a male of a daily ass kicking and constant public humiliation. I gave it two seconds of thought after Mom assured me I would be in a class full of females. But I had done that by taking typing last year without achieving any carnally enhancing benefits. I made many suggestions to the young maidens but the girls were only interested in my carriage release or ribbon spool, not my nimble typing technique. I didn’t become adept at typing or even get a phone number from that class. Although I admit it was my favorite class and being one of only three guys it was uplifting to garner the attention I so craved.
So I didn’t go to Home Ec, but I did continue to learn to cook at the restaurant while the chicks were all dating the guys in rock bands, the guys with GTO’s, or the football team (No, not the whole team pervert). So those artificially enhanced materialistic dudes all fought over the plastic popular chicks while us average Joes dated the average Jill’s, which in the long run was better anyway.
The funny thing about the football stars, muscle heads, hot car owners, and wannabe rock stars is when they got into the thirty something’s that’s all they really had. I on the other hand could cook and when I reached my thirties that was what the ladies found sexy. Keep your monster truck dude, I am serving sautéed Chilean Sea Bass with a Beaujolais saffron sauce, asparagus macadamia, and Pomes Anna with a perfectly chilled Gewürztraminer wine and the ladies who enjoyed that were intelligent, sophisticated, and beautiful with very little interest in the size of my pick up or biceps. So who’s chuckling now?
I had a small studio apartment in New York City near Madison Square Garden and one of the intricacies of my crib, I mean aside from having my bed right there in my kitchen/dining room, was a nice view for people watching. On one particular evening as I was entertaining, my date and I watched as people who had parked their car near by headed out to The Garden to attend a Monster Truck Rally. We watched and it took all my self control not to point at some overweight, sloppy looking thirty something’s on a mission to get inside, and I can’t be 100% sure but I think one dude with a bad haircut and beer belly that would make Buddha cringe was the star quarterback of my high school. Walking alongside him no longer cheering, was his high school sweetheart. I couldn’t help thinking how much they deserved each other both now and back in the day.
I asked the salesman to shut off the engine so he could hear me good when I said no thanks. I decided I didn’t even want the stupid truck at all because it just isn’t me, and being myself was better revenge than I could possibly have planned even if I had wanted to. Now every time I see someone in a pick up with wheels better off on a tractor with spikes on the rims, or a ridiculously oversize Hummer style vehicle, or any other car designed to take attention away from the owners “short comings” and place the focus on their ride I smile and give them the thumbs up, because they need more reassuring than an average Joe like me.

The Garden Of Heathen

eden

Evolution is the story of how everything came to be what it came to be, like our ability to communicate. From simple grunts, to pictures and words we evolved our communicative skills to near perfection. But the Bible was written in the third century based on tales heard many years before that. What I’m saying here is I can’t take the story literally because communication hadn’t evolved enough back then so the way it was told back in Constantine’s era. I mean shit man it was told by dudes with names like Theodosius, Diocletian, and Ezana so how reliable can it really be? Take Genesis for example, the story of how man and woman became lovers to create life. Or was it the scandalous story of a biracial copulating couple? I mean even Theodosius wasn’t naïve enough to believe that two humans popped up out of nowhere. Well actually one popped up, the other happened to have the perfect receptacle. Adam and Eve weren’t the first man andd woman to enjoy the ins and outs of sex, but they were essential to evolution because they fucked themelves into the most important mutation, the mutilation created from two separate races. So toss out your often told story of The origin of man and let me give you the up to date tale of Adam an Eve.
Just as animals evolved into other animals, so did we evolve from some sort of animal. Simians. Similar in shape to our tree dwelling ancestors we walk upright on two legs and use our hands as tools. So the original peoples of the earth evolved from animals and grew up in tribes. Each tribe or community took care of itself, its only purpose was to reproduce thereby keeping the tribe alive. Survival. That was the key. Most tribes were hunters or scavengers, either killing and eating animals, or scavenging the vegetation already here on earth. However, in an area we now call the Middle East, the so-called fertile crescent, two tribes stood out amongst all others. They had become far more advanced than most other tribes. These two tribes used reason and logic, and figured out a way to survive working together as a colony. One tribe, The Aggies, learned how to manipulate the vegetation and grow it at will using soil, sun and water. With complex systems of irrigation they farmed the land and became prolific growers. The other tribe, The Shepherds, learned how to manipulate the cattle and sheep, and penned them up creating a seemingly endless supply of milks and meats. They used complex systems of herding and became prolific meat manipulators. These two tribes habituated a very large area which was called the Garden of Eden. They didn’t like each other because they were so different, the Aggies out farming in the sun all ay had a darker complexion and more muscular features, and the Shepherds had lighter skin tones and blond hair. In the interests of co-habitating the naturaly rich and fertile Garden of Eden they used their logic and reason to devise boundaries which they agreed not to cross. So the Aggies habitated in the soil rich North section of Eden and the Shepherds the South. Both tribes kept to themselves and existed peacefully until one incident set off a series of events that would forever change the world.
One of the Aggies, a young adventurous male decided to take a walk in the area that was designated as no mans land which neither tribe considered valuable. He came across a small waterhole in which an exotic young woman was bathing. He didn’t recognize her so he knew she must be one of the sneaky Shepherds and when he looked closely at her something seemed to tickle his toggle switch. She looked much like he did only fairer in skin and hair which seemed oddly enticing She had a pale yet smooth almost silken complexion and long colorless long hair bursting with long waving curls. She had eyes of bright turquoise which seemed to sparkle like evening stars. He found her rather attractive stealing a glancas she bathed with water glistening off her exposed white breasts. It made his stomach queasy in a kind of playful way. More than that, there was something downright intriguing about this woman. He spied her with great delight and began to wondering if she was like the women of Aggies in other ways. Okay, let me spell it out for you. He began feel that all too familiar tingling of the loins that cause men to lose control. He began to wonder if she enjoyed the pleasures of sex in the same manner women of his tribe had enjoyed him and envisioned what it would be like to have her in his bed. He imagined making wild unbridled passionate love to her. Considering the times, perhaps it was bridled sex, but whatever, she made him horny as….. For lack of a better term, all Hell. Both his mind and his hanging cha began to swell and he turned away to allow both to subside, promising himself a return visit.
More than jus a visit this young farmer began wandering down to the waterhole every day and watched from the cover of brush as she bathed herself getting more and more horny each day. He stared in awe until one day he needed to till her soil so he got up enough nerve to confront her. “Young maiden of the Shepherds, why do you come here each day an sit naked in this waterhole?” The young maiden pretended to be alarmed even though she had been aware of his hiding and staring since his first visit. Frankly, she was flattered and just as curious as he was. She too had experienced a tingling sensation in her nether regions and every bit as interested in exploring carnal possibilities. “I come here to bath myself land tiller, not to be stared at by some Aggie hiding in the brush. Why do you come here and stare at me?” The young Aggie gave this some thought, because quite frankly he wasn’t sure himself why he was here. “ I come not to stare at you but to explore the area and determine if the land is fit for growing” he lied. The young maiden blushed slightly when she saw the lust in his dark brown eyes. “Are you sure it is the land which explore? It seems to me you are looking at my body and I believe that is not vegetation I see growing under your loincloth” The audacious young maiden gave him a look that offered more a challenge than a venting of distain. She blinked her eyes at him and something strange happened. He felt a Funny feeling in his stomach as though the seeds he used to grow things themselves were festering from within. He boldly chose to accept the challenge. “It is true that have gazed upon you and appreciate the…..unusual beauty you possess. Indeed I was hoping perhaps you were an Aggie and would be my maiden an share my bed with me.” The Aggie could feel his entire body shaking and the young Shepherd maiden did not back away. She moved closer to the Aggie. “I am a Shepherd woman, not a dirt laden Aggie maiden. And you young Aggie, you are filled with dirt from your farming. If I were to ever consider being a maiden to the like of you I would expect you to be clean. Why don’t you come in here and allow me to bathe you?” It was more of an order than an invitation but that was of no consequence because the winds of caution had blown enough of his loincloth away to reveal his desire. He approached the watering hole with a modicum of trepidation and a mountain of spunk. She held out her hand and he accepted and they both shuddered ever so slightly. He dropped his loincloth completely exposing that the fruit underneath it was ripe for the picking. He stepped naked into the waterhole beside her with his rake pointed the direction. For five minutes they stared at each other while cleansing every inch of their bodies. They dedicated special attention to the areas that demanded intense inspection with eyes sparkling of curious wonder. The Aggie closed his eyes and allowed this maiden, this Shepherd woman to slowly and methodically polish his purple headed mushroom stem. “Methinks my Aggie that you have something other than bathing on your mind.” Unable to form an actual word, the Aggie grabbed the maiden in his arms and laid a big fat spit swapping mouth organ exercise regimen on her using his tongue muscle very skillfully. This was something new to the maiden, and at first she wanted to pull back. However, once she realized how good the tongue tango felt, she greedily sucked his tongue into her mouth and allowed the saliva filled dance to continue. Well I don’t have to tell you what happened next. Sparks flew, fluids oozed, and soft moaning was the only form of communication. Of course the two lovers understood they braved the scorn of their fellow tribe members by allowing their naked bodies to exchange these biological fluids. But it felt so crazy good they did indeed continue to explore each other and exchange passion and bodily fluids. Four times. It wasn’t until after the fourth round of carnal explorations led to exhaustion that they even introduced themselves to each other. “I am called Adam, which means man.” To which the maiden replied, “Indeed Adam, you are quite the man. More so than any Shepherd I have ever known. My name is Eve, which means life.” With a big fat satisfied grin Adam replied, “Life indeed Eve, you have breathed much of it into me unequaled by any other Aggie I have ever known.”
So Adam and Eve began to meet each other every day and made love like a couple of school kids. But all was not so good back at the tribes. The other Aggies were beginning to get suspicious because Adam never ever seemed to be dirty. How could anyone work the soil all day yet remain free of dirt. And back at the Shepherds they began to get suspicious because Eve was always happy, humming songs and whistling show tunes, and showed no interest in even the most handsome of Shepherds.
It would be another ten or so centuries before the world became aware of sex amongst the same gender so Eve’s apparent disinterest in men was incredibly suspicious, and in the Aggie camp Adam was also considered an anomaly. As it happened that the suspicious leaders of each tribe sent someone to follow their respective tribe member delinquents on the very same day. Once at the watering hole, the Aggie spy hid in the north woods, and the Shepherd spy hid in the south woods. At first the spies were appalled and shocked. But Adam and Eve were both so very sexually talented, and each brought such wonderful new tricks specific to their tribe that it became more of a show. The very first live sex show, no tokens needed. It is believed at least one, perhaps even both had become so excited while watching that they pleasured themselves before retuning to the tribe leaders to give the reports.
With soiled loincloths the spies, Cain and Abel, returned to their chiefs. The tribe leaders were livid. Furious! How could this possibly happen? It was the most outrageous act that had ever occurred anywhere in the crescent. A violation of fertilizing a Shepherds love crescent. They both paced, in different colonies yet somehow in unison, until the sinners returned to their folds. The minute Adam returned to the Shepherd village he was grabbed by the biggest and strongest Aggies and brought before the leader. “Adam, I am quite disappointed”, he said, “You have disrespected every member of our tribe by engaging in this disgusting act with a Shepherd woman.” Adam didn’t answer, he just stood there looking sheepish, which for an Aggie was another no no. “You’re despicable act has left me with no other choice. You shall be banned forever from the garden of Eden. Go now, get out and never return. Take your Shepherd slut with you!” Adam sadly walked to his hut to gather his belongings. Inside he saw his best and now only friend. “How did he find out” he asked of this friend. “Well Adam, you were spied on by Cain. He followed you and reported back to the leader.” Adam shook his head and mumbled, “Cain, of course. I should have guessed. That shit spreading scum sucker is gonna pay for this someday.” And with that, Adam left towards the waterhole hoping to see Eve there one last time.
Eve of course had a similar experience, and she too was permanently banned from the Garden of Eden. Eve was certain it was Abel that had spied on her as Abel had always tried putting the moves on her but she forever denied his advances. Reluctantly she too had to leave, and also chose to have one last look around the sexually charged waterhole in hopes that somehow Adam might be there. As luck would have it, which luck often does in fiction, they met at the very same moment and exchanged stories of banishments.
So hand in hand Adam and Eve left, banished from the Garden of Eden forever. Eve had allowed the serpent to penetrate her glory forest and nothing would ever be the same. In shame they walked out of The Garden Of Heathen forever, Eve holding in her free hand the apple Adam had grown for her, and with his free hand Adam held the metaphoric snake, which Eve had skillfully and completely herded.

Wipe That Swag Off Your Face

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Yo, don’t fuck with me bro, I got swag

Twelve year old nephew tells me he’s got swag. Now I’m concerned, because as far as I’m concerned saying you have swag is the same as saying “I’m a douche and everyone knows it but me.” Having a family tradition of being “In with the In crowd” meaning hanging with the cool kids it gave me pause. Okay maybe I wasn’t the coolest of cool, but cool enough to know never use a word like swag unless it’s to ridicule someone who claims to have it. I looked at my young Neff and thought fuck man, I got some real schooling to do here. Let the first semester commence.
“Jackie my fine young nephew I got something to tell you. Don’t be a dickslap boy, and don’t be telling anyone you got swag.” Having smoked many blunts I decided blunt was the best way to go. He looked up at me with defiance in his eyes and said, “Yea? Let me tell you something Unk, I got swag coming out my eyes ears nose and ass and you don’t have a clue about life old man.” I was shocked. Old man? My glasses nearly fell off my head. (which was actually helpful because I forgot where I put them) “Old Man??? I’m sorry little dude, maybe I didn’t hear you right.” Still defiant and full of what he perceived to be swag he forged on, “No you heard fine, but just in case Ima turn up yo hearing aid. Now get your wrinkly ass face outta my grill” Not 100% sure but I think he crossed the line there!
Beginning to feel a tad perturbed I needed to respond to his misguided attempt at insulting a relatively intelligent man with experience. “Okay you douche-aholic you bess think about who the fuck you be chirpin’ at like that. I may be a wrinkly ass old man but I could kick your ass in HD, 3D, or goddamn Blu-Ray so how bout you show a little respect now.” For effect I grabbed his groin and gave a not so gentle squeeze in the sack area. He winced slightly but pretended to be unaffected which gave me hope. “I’m gonna tell you this for your own good because I don’t want no relative of mine walking round town letting everybody know what an ass clown he is. It hurts my reputation too. So get this and get this fast. You ain’t got SWAG son. Our name isn’t Massengill so don’t be acting like a douche. You got style, not pretty fly for a white guy bullshit but plain old cool style and if you keep yapping about swag your gonna put a world of shame on our family name.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out a big blunt and fired it up. After filling my lungs to capacity I passed it to Jack. He stared at me all wide eyed wondering if this way some kind of trap or something. “Go on ahead son, I know you puff. Shit I’d be disappointed if you didn’t. Nothing gets rid of dumb shit attitude like some old fashioned weed toking. We got a lot to go over, but lesson one, never say swag again.” He took a hit, smiled up at me and with a new found feeling of pride and respect we began sharing stories, asking questions, listening, and that rebuilt our relationship. Before I left he thanked me then said, “You know Unk, I get what your saying, and I guess I got some growing to do. I appreciate the weed and the wisdom but one thing I ask. If you don’t tell my Dad that we smoked weed, I won’t tell him how you tickled my balls.” Youth!!

You Say You Want A Revelation, Well Ya Know (another sick bastard bible selection)

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part one

The last one picked is the one no one really wants on the team and Revelations was the last one picked for the Bible. Coincidence? Maybe, or maybe Revelations was too fat, too slow, or too uncoordinated or no one liked it. Maybe it jut flat out sucked! Of course there’s only one way to find out. Investigation. So here it comes the Christian Scripture Investigators. The CSI team is here to find the DNA and other forensic tidbits hidden in the scriptures. Maybe even trace elements like epithelia’s, fingerprints, or secret documents to uncover the truth behind the book of all things. This episode we will investigate the truth behind the final frontier of the bible, revelations.
The main players in this tale of apocalyptic reckoning are somewhat questionable. Written by John of Pathos where he was known as the pathological prophet of Pathos. The story as he tells it includes the four headless horsemen of Sleepy Hollow, the Liar of Judah, angels, trumpeters, the beast, a dragon, a false prophet, an arched angel, and of course no bible story would be complete without a whore, this one straight outta Babylon.
The book of revelations is somewhat difficult to tell because its told in some unusual circumstances. The story was revealed to this tripped out dude John, who was locked up in prison in Pathos on a drug related beef. He was a prolific writer who had already had a number of stories published in the New Testament. A few under the epistle category, and a gospel song called Psalm 43 (The P has the right to remain silent). Many religious scholars say it was actually 3 different Johns but if I get into bible discrepancies I’ll never get to this investigation. The truth as he told it to me goes like this. One evening while studying in the prison library John had a visitor. A woman who looked alarming similar to Mary Magdalene though she denies it three times. This visitor had placed a very powerful tab or two of LSD (legal at that time) in her mouth and transferred it to Johns mouth in a disgusting public display of spit swapping French kisses. A face sucking tongue tangoing, snog toggle, The ultimate French kiss whose true purpose was to exchange the hallucinogenic treat. When John got back to his cell, and after his bulge subsided (Really don’t drop the soap now!!) he was visited and told a story by god. I had a similar reverse episode once, after ingesting a chemical mind tickler I learned that god took some acid and saw me! Another day.
So during his intense peeking (I think that’s what people on acid trips call it when the trip hit’s a crescendo), that was when god suddenly said to John, “Dude, you wanna hear about the future of mankind?” Stupid question, of course he did. He was tripping after all. So this story was how John best remembered the telling some 18 hours after the acid wore off. That’s some powerful shit there! This is the book of Reservations. Reverberation. Revolution. ….Sorry, The Book of Revelations!
Here it is in his very own paraphrased words as he told it to me one day back in the late 60’s:
“So Mary and I kissed and I could feel two tabs of something on her tongue. Yea I know she said it wasn’t her but she just didn’t want to end up on the front page of the Abraham Inquirer. An let me tell you the J-man was one lucky Jew she was one helluva kisser. Anyway She tells me to swallow, something you don’t normally wanna hear in prison, so I swallows the tab. Then she tells me I just took two tabs of Blue Cheer acid. Man I was stoked. I smiled all the way back to my cell knowing what was coming. I got to my cell and laid down on my stone cot. After about a half hour I hear this voice. I sit up an look around but there ain’t no one there. So I lays back down when the voice comes back, this time calling me by name. So I shout who’s that, who’s there? And the voice says ‘Its me John, God.’ Now I’m thinking it must be the acid kickin’ in right? I mean the voice was like soft and almost girly. Not the powerful deep voice you’d think God would have but he insists. ‘Really John, its me God’ Then he steps out from the shadows and sure enough it is God. Amazing how much Jesus looked like him. Spittin’ image. What else could I do? I sez, whats up God?”
“He walks through the bars, I mean right through, like they wasn’t even there. Then he sez, ‘John, I want to tell you a story. I want you to write it down and make sure everyone reads it.’ I sez to him, you mean like a bestseller or something? To which he replies, ‘yea, something like that. But first try and get the story into the bible, because this is the story of the beginning and the end.’ Now I’m really thinking the acid is slamming the insides of my brain but I figger I should like play along and sez yea yea sure Mr. Almighty, whatever you sez.”
“When I first created everything I had seven arch angels to watch over heaven and protect it. Six of these arches were cool, but one arch angel was just a real pain in the ba-donk-a-donk. Has to do everything his way and refused to follow my directions. Finally one day I caught him in bed with Gabriel’s teenage daughter and that was the last straw. I tossed his ass out and straight down to earth along with one third of the questionable residents of heaven. He went down to earth with them and they formed a gang calling themselves the Crypts. He goes to the garden of Eden and begins recruiting humans for his gang. So I had Gabriel, a very trusted angel form a gang up here because I knew there would someday be a major showdown. He formed the Bloods of my blood, after my sons prophecy. We call them the Bloods for short, and it created a rivalry that would be the mother of all rivalries. Positive vs. Negative, Life vs. Death, Good vs. Evil, Bloods vs. Crypts. One day we would have our gang lords get together for an epic showdown. This showdown will be called The Rapture.”
“Now I’m still tripping but I’m starting to think maybe this shit is real so I keep scraping away on my stones getting down his words so I could one day write the book for him. Being an ancient journalist of course I had questions, so I asks him to explain to me how this Rapture thing is gonna go down. Then something happens that may sound like a fairy tale or a hallucination. He floats up to the ceiling an sez come on up John it will be easier if I show you”
Now I’m flipping ya know? I’m like how the fuck am I supposed to get up there, but before I even thought about a strategy I was lifted off my feet and floating right next to him. Honest to god, from Gods mouth to my ear he whispers, ‘Watch this. These guys can really stir it up’ A light went on and I swear to you it looked like a giant flat screen TV in HD. The images seemed so real. There was a stage with seven musicians. Al Hirt,Loius Armstrong,Wynton Marsalas, Miles Davis,Chuck Mangione,Maynard Fererson, and Dizzy Gillespie. Not just ordinary musicians each stood with a trumpet in their hands. The seven Trumpeters. They jammed for about an hour and that’s when the real show started!”

Weiner Lets It All Hang Out

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Weiner Takes Da Bait
No the real headline is not Weiner takes debate, but he was feisty as hell so if you missed it on TV I have my own re-cap here. The front runner is Christine Quinn and Weiner was in Christine’s face throughout the debate. Bill Thompson stood tall and was inching closer but Weiner measured up. Public Advocate Bill de Blasio hammered away at Weiner’s ability to represent the people of New York but he assured everyone that Weiner will stand up for all New Yorkers. Comptroller John Liu expressed concern over Anthony’s transparency to which Tony replied “I have always been transparent. Anyone can see where Weiner stands.” The stage set, on to the debate.
First Weiner’s opening statement. “My name is Anthony Weiner, no relation to Oscar Meyer Weiner, and I am running for mayor because I have swag, and as recent tweeted evidence has shown I have the balls needed to run this city. True my pole has been sagging, um, I mean I have been sagging in the poll numbers but with a little help from my constituents it’ll get it back up again. I know my past indiscretions keep popping up but just to be clear no matter how hard it gets I will not pull out. I’ll stick it out as long as I can. I intend to show New Yorkers everything I’ve got. New York City is a hard town and they need a hard mayor which is what I‘ll be when erected. Oops, I mean elected, a slight boner in my choice of words. Anyway, New York is full of danger and trust me I know danger. In fact my middle name is Danger, so vote for me, Anthony “Carlos Danger” Weiner. Thank you.
The greeting was met with a splattering. That is a splattering of applause and a few Bronx cheers. Now on to a condensed re-cap of the issues. The first subject was the stop and frisk law.
Quinn : “ I’m okay with the frisking but not the stopping, if I’m elected they will have to frisk while the random pedestrian is still moving. New York is a busy town.”
De Blasio : “My wife is black and my son is half black with a big ass afro to prove it, so it could be my son with a cops hand down his pants. No to frisking”
Thompson : “What the hell, are we truly going to allow our police officers to act like TSA agents? This is America where no one is randomly searched unless they are in a busy airport. Just like the large soda and the poop pick up law Mayor Bloomberg saw the poop on the sidewalk and overstepped again.”
Liu :“I’ve seen this epic fail in Chinatown. If they continue to act on this dumb law everybody will be Kung Fu fighting, which is a little bit frightening.
Weiner :“From the beginning I stated cops should wear cameras and I stand by that. I say frisk like nobody’s watching, but take a selfie to send to that special someone.”
On to the next issue, a viewer question, a matter of trust. directed to Weiner. “How can we trust you when we find out you continued your activity even after you were busted?”
Weiner : “I have been up front from the beginning about my personal life. I did a bad thing and I was sick. Now I keep my hand on the problem everyday and have kept it down. It has been a long time since I sent any dick picks to anyone, almost an entire month now of not sexting. You can trust me to have matters in hand and keep it in constant motion. I have been endorsed by Woody Allen, Roman Pole-ansky, Marcia Gay Hard-on, and A-Rod to name a few and I am a member of members only so I will keep my finger on the pulse. Forget my past, look at my future.
Quinn :“You can tell he’s lying by the vein bulging, and not in his neck. He can hide behind the podium but fro here I see his problem growing. Its not just about trusting Weiner to keep it in his pants though, its about lying. I have it on good source that Weiner is at least two inches smaller than his claims. If he’s gonna lie about his dick size he can’t be trusted.”
De Blasio : “Look size doesn’t matter, just ask my son. He’s a half black man with a cool afro to prove it yet he has a portion of him that is half white, mainly his power drill, and he still gets down wit da bitches.”
Thompson :“Hey look, I can drop trow with the best of them but you need to know when to hold it and when to fold it, and Weiner just don’t fold his.”
Liu :“If Weiner is erected everybody will be Kung Fu fighting, which is a little bit frightening.”

Wow they all brought their big guns to that topic, lotta hostility here, now on to the final topic, the economy, and how will they create jobs.

Thompson :“What we need in New York is to have all taxi drivers self deport, so we can hire real New Yorkers in their place. That will be a huge boost to the economy.
De Blasio: “To create jobs in the city I propose making tax laws 50% more complicated especially for the rich who will be forced to hire our creative New York accountants to better hide their money. Companies like H&R Block will thrive and hire. Also I‘m gonna ask every fast food worker to chip in one dollar each to add to the city surplus. My wife is black and my son is half black with a killer afro and he works at Mickey Dee’s. He said one dollar would not be a strain on him, especially if he can take it out of the allowance we give him.”
Weiner :“Elect me and I promise more construction of clubs like Hooters, Scores, and my new company, ’Sexts and the City’, a self text club that guarantees anonymity. There are so many young co-eds in the city that need those jobs to work their way through college. By the way, if any of you young co-eds need part time work send me a text and I’ll hook you up.”
Liu : “I propose to bring the club scene of the eighties back which stimulates the economy by creating a tourist trap of dance clubs. Once finished, much like the eighties, everybody will be Kung Fu fighting.”

That wrapped up the questions, to save time I will just recap Weiner’s final statement.
“I want to thank Eyewitness News for such penetrating questions. I have never been afraid of penetration and I am happy to wrap my head around them every chance I get. So here’s me promise in a nutsack. Oops, I mean nutshell. The people of New York deserve a mayor who is in touch with the youth, and no one had touched more youth’s than me. The economy need stimulating and no one knows stimulation better than I do. The city needs someone who isn’t afraid to show everyone they are willing to stand up and I have proof of standing up in front of anyone. New York was at one time the fornication capital of the world, and if I’m elected I promise you New York will get fucked royally. Please vote for me, Anthony “Carlos Danger” Weiner. I’ll always be just a phone number away.

Lovers gonna love & Haters gonna hate–Savers gonna Save but Liberals liberate

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Those goddamn liberals are gonna ruin our country. What? Wait, let think this through a minute in terms I hope even the oldest whitest 50’s value clinging paranoid can understand. Words. Terrorist, one who inflicts terror, as a means to control. Terrorist would like to ruin the country, that’s clear enough. But how could a liberal ruin a country. Liberals seek to liberate, to create a power balance in which all share equal value and opportunity in a society. Kinda like Jesus did. Jesus was a liberal, at least according to the lame-stream media of his time, The daily scriptures. Was he trying to ruin the Fertile Crescent? In the dictionary liberal is defined as favorable to progress or reform. Favorable, not destructive. Terrorist-terror, Liberal-liberate. Women’s lib didn’t ruin the country it made it better, with many powerful women adding greatly to our society. Liberate the oppressed, that’s basic. Liberals believe in freedom and not just to other liberals but to all. Even conservatives.
Ah yes, conservatives. The very ones who use the word liberal to project an image of peace loving, tree hugging, environment caring, do nothings who would ruin the country by striving for racial equality, gender equality, a clean global eco-system and worst of all, world peace. What does the dictionary say about this odd group of take it or leave it change resisting conservatives? Conservative, disposed to preserving existing conditions or institutions, to limit change. Who would want to limit change? Obviously if one likes the way things are they wouldn’t want anything to change, wouldn’t want to liberate anyone. Not like that long haired liberal from Nazareth, someone different. Oh yea, King Herod. Lets face it, Herry had his choice of women, lived in a huge palace and was surrounded by wealth and power. Who wouldn’t want things to remain the same if that’s how life is for you? Conservatives conserve and that’s what they do. What they are best at conserving is money and power, and they prefer to conserve it all for themselves. They resist change because that would mean others may have equal value or opportunity and well, they want to conserve it all for themselves.
Not too long ago liberal was a derogatory term spat out with distain. Stinking liberals, bleeding heart liberals. In ’73 I had to choose which party to register as in order to vote, which made no sense to me at all. Why does everyone else have to know what party I believe in. But I dutifully followed the rules and marked my self down as a member of the liberal party partially out of spite to my staunch republican Dad and partially out of my own pure rebellious nature. When my conservative father found out we elevated our “disagreements” from my hair length to my disgracing of the family by becoming a liberal. I was warned it would follow me around like bad body odor. I wore that stench proudly in 1973, and I wear it proudly today. Politically I am liberal but I don’t define myself or others through a religious or political microscope because that’s what we believe not what we are. If you’re and atheist or a bible waving Christian that’s fine, but if you’re an asshole its not because of what you believe, but HOW you believe. Don’t force your beliefs on anyone else, enjoy them for yourself, allow other to enjoy their. The same in politics, if you’re a tea bagging homophobe its not because you’re a republican, you’re just an asshole. You can believe in the republican party without discriminating or fearing people unlike yourself. My Dad was staunch republican as I said, but I will credit him with having the sense to breakdown the stereo-types without sacrificing his core beliefs. It took time and a lot of nudging from me but in the end he understood we are not defined by our unconventional appearance, lifestyle, or religious practice. In name we are all human, and if you feel you must judge, judge not by political or religious beliefs, but by deeds and actions. I believe mine are worthy of any religious or political movement, but more importantly could be accepted as beneficial to humanity.