Who I Appear To Be

appear

 

 

Everybody has their chameleon, a way to hide their inner self. When we’re with people we slip on our alternative skin an appear to be someone else, the one we call our true selves. We hide the inner self because it frightens us. We worry if the inner us is revealed no one will like us, not even ourselves. We live in what we appear to be but slip in and out of the inner us when no one is around. Sometimes we spend so much time going back and forth we forget which one we are, we slip a bit to deeply into our dark selves. Many times I wonder who am I today……

 

My Dad never even tried to understand me

His self importance was the rule of the day

Whenever important questions burnt within me

He shrugged his shoulders and pushed me away

Reading words he found inside a fortune cookie

Was the only advice he ever donated my mind

Dismissed dismayed dejected and disappointed

All my dad ever really left me was behind

 

 

My brain is bruised my mind abused my thoughts unused

I’m alone…..confused

Can’t sleep

I’m on the edge

Falling over

Slipping down deep

Gotta move

My insides are spinning

The walls are closing in

And I’m stuck in it

The pressure is so painful

Scream!

Coming undone

I’m broken

Not joking

Insanity on thin ice

Seams are bursting

Jesus Christ

I want to die

Which me am I?

 

Here’s the deal

Death has it’s appeal, no more pain or illusion

No confusion

Maybe I’ll find dignity in self termination

No more repetitive aimless wandering despondantly

I know the end will bring me my total isolation

Desolation

But I’ll be free

No horns no sirens not one fucking phone call

I’ll finally be able to get a good night sleep

Or maybe I should make a deal with my big bad wolf

Who keeps hiding in my psyche so deep

Now I see

I can’t make a pact with the devil because the devil is me

 

If he dies so will I

Lose my flesh lose my bone

Why?

The devil just never shuts up

Forcing his thoughts in my head

Tells me

I’m the monster from under my bed

He mocks me and taunts me

The dark passenger haunts me

Makes me doubt and deplore me

He will never leave me alone

He reminds me I’m nothing

My soul he keeps crushing

Let go with a whimpering moan

Float away

Or stay?

Who’s making my mind up anyway?

I know I’m the one who must choose

And you may think you know me but…

I’m really not who I appear to be

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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