Tag: depression

Oh Captain My Captain

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captain

I laughed till I cried while you cried inside
Oh Captain my Captain
Poet laureate of comedic expression
Voice of reason of our topical consciousness
Standing high above the glen atop the desktop mountains
Alongside poets of yore on the cliffs by the sea
Prey tell dear free thinker believeth you this
If our revered dead poets had lived life eternal
Would the words of the prophets still wax relevant?
Wouldst the embrace of the writers still warm our souls
Shine beauty on the sights too often unseen?
Or is it in death we finally come to understand
The true context of words spoken direct to our heart?
In posthumous praise now we regale their true genius

Did destiny lure you from the desktops of Dover
Oh Captain my Captain
Teasing you the promise of a life or a death
One comes inching constant precarious to the ledge
The other flees emphatic floods of fleeting memories
Yet both amble beside us through all of our days
Chiseling away at the center of mindful thought
Until the chunks of the soul like the heart become heavy
No longer able to hold them we toss them both aside
Crumbling apart down across the cliffs of insanity
Boulders of depression crush our souls and our spirit
You at the helm steering our hearts with your laughter
The smile on your face not revealing your agonies
Nor the scorched battlefields full of ashes unseen

The alien outside was the alien within
Oh Captain my Captain
Helping us laugh through the uncertainty of living
Mocking from inside that which would never be viewed
The showering saline of sorrow concealed deep inside
Where raging rapids of confusion reside undefeated
Away from the visage of the many who cared
But couldn’t see the torture you tried to endure
Your legend inscribed in our hearts and our minds
Torn pages from The Dead Poets Society in your name
So you can walk the deck eternal oh captain my captain
Thank you Robin
There are no more promises to keep
No more miles until you sleep
Close your eyes oh Captain my Captain
Let the world sing you a song as you sleep

-Rock In Peace-

Drying Paint

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dry paint

A life in color she cloned the sky
Shared on the canvass of her soul
Tumultuous sessions
Lasting impressions
Razor imprints streak out of control

Put down the pallet toss the brush
No need to assign any more paints
Colors ran from the dream
No more sparkle or gleam
A hospital bed locked with mental restraints

Bleeding out through her paintings
Images screaming words yet unspoken
Self loathing contempt
A near fatal attempt
A life was shattered but not fully broken

Wait
This is not how the world works
No brush in hand
Not in command
Soar out on your own
You’re not out on loan
Or alone
You belong to the sky
Let your colors fly
don’t let your paint dry
For some guy

Pick it back up
Paintbrush in hand
Your world to command
Take your stand
Paint your own picture
Colorful and true
Its all about you
Your color, your glory
Drying paint tells the story
The soul tattoo
Of a woman so true
Paint not yet dry
She’s back to
Cloning the sky
With strength found anew
She isn’t quite through
That painter is you

For Your Amusement

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amuse

(To A Special Man)
He was my brother not of blood but of heart
I never realized he was battered and broken
But inside his head a stranger was lurking
The only man who could hear the words unspoken

Just words on some paper was all that he left me
Finding him with his demons was truly not fun
I loved that man who left me paper and blood
Words from the barrel of a dying man’s gun

For Your Amusement

I fail
that’s what I do
Its what I’m real good at
So I do it a lot
I fail to hear laughter
I fail to see smiles
I fail for your amusement
Across thousands of miles
I failed as a father
I failed as a son
I failed as a husband
Just failed everyone
I failed as a man
Its what I do best
I failed every challenge
And failed every test
Its my biggest talent
Failing on queue
If you want some amusement
I’ll fail just for you
I can fail at most anything
So give me a call
I may fail to pick up
But I won’t fail to fall
I’ll fail at your party
Right on your command
Fail under pressure
Fail on demand
If you want to see a man take his last breath
Ill make it happen by failing to death
For your amusement

Rock In Peace gentle brother, save me a seat

Hello Paranoia

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silent scream

Hello Paranoia I see you’re back
I can feel you inside me
Trying to deride me
You want to get right next to me but I won’t let you beside me
Why are you here?
I asked you to leave and not come back
Did you even hear?
Disappear!
But you’re back
With a pick axe to my brain
Chipping away till I’m insane
I kicked you out but now you’ve come back
Inflicting constant pain
Cranial confusion
Brain tumor illusion causing massive thought diffusion
Delusional
And as unusual
You left me damaged
Mentally challenged
I’m in fragments, out of balance my mind is getting stagnant
Its madness
I must be crazy
Everything looks so hazy
Like my brain is being shot to shreds in a film by old Scorsese
Shattered into fragments like a puzzle
A jigsaw puzzle
I finally got the pieces back
Had my life back on track
I filled my world with confidence and in one second WHACK!
You’re back
Cheesy sneak attack
But this time I know what to do
This time I’ll see it through
Not gonna run , not gonna flee
Not gonna fall to me knee in a plea
Won’t grab my head screaming like a banshee
Gonna be free
Gonnna be strong and disagree with the debris
Gonna kick your ass out to sea
So listen close to my decree
Paranoia……you’re dead to me

TODAY

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today

Today is the day
Felt oddly alive
The moment it arrived
Its not here to stay
And it feels so contrived
Am I really gonna die?
I could wait until the morrow
Postpone the sorrow
Live on time borrowed
But its today
The day that makes all the difference
Going the distance
This day here
And now
Today
It could be gone in an instant
With a grimace
Good riddance
Quit grinning
It’s the ninth inning
And today’s the day
To make scarlet ribbons
No more misgivin’s
The edge of the blade
Options weighed
Charades played
Then I fade
Into the darkness
No light
No sight
Am I taking flight
Quite right
It’s ending
No mending
Or comprehending
Why
Why must I die?
Die from this strife
At the point of a knife
What’s the point of life
Struggling away
Day after day
Shit piling so high
A fecal buffet
A scentless bouquet
Stinking of decay
Waltzing to death
In a blood ballet
Danced to the tune
Of everyday ruin
From my womb to my tomb
The perfume of doom
Is rising today
No more delay
Today is the day
Alone in the dark
Making my mark
Lines on my wrist
I won’t be missed
I won’t exist
Can you hear when I say
My life’s an ashtray
So today is the day
The day on the run
My final one
My day
Today

I’m Fine She Said

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im fine

He inquired are you feeling allright
You’ve been looking kind of down
Never listens to what she’s responding
This time distracted by familiar sound

She said I hate my life I want to die
I just feel like I’m always alone
He held one hand up in the air
With the other grasping his phone

She continued sometimes I don’t even care
If my entire world would come to an end
I mean we all gotta go sometime ya know
But he was deep in conversation with friend

She just sighed, grinned and turned away
Didn’t feel deserving of devoted attention
The same routine that he always followed
Feeling she isn’t even worth any mention

And he never listened anyway barely ever heard a word
If only he took the time out here’s what he might have heard

I’m just a ghost
A random phantom
I’m here but everybody see’s past me
I’m unworthy
Undeserving
I have opinions but nobody ever asks me
I’m never missed
I get dismissed
Like I don’t exist
Someone unkind is in my mind

They talk so loud
Form a crowd
I hear far too many voices scream in my head
My brain is melting
Nothing is helping
Soul outta control
Would anyone even notice if I was here dead
Having a bad day
A bad week too
The bad just never stops
God dammit I’m having a meaningless sucky life
And you don’t hear it
You don’t know me
Never look inside
Or you’d see me struggling with my internal strife
Never goes away
Same shit everyday
A Never ending cycle

Only thing on your mind
How to get me primed
I’m drowning in this massive sea of dread
My solution has no problem
My answer has no question
All you care is to see me naked in your bed
I’m just your toy
To give you joy
I’m here and I’m at your service
A sexual toy
For you to enjoy
that’s only scratching the surface

My life is morose
I feel gross
Comatose
I got nothing
I am nothing
Worthless
Serving no purpose
I wish I’d pass away
I hate myself
I’m gross
Burnt toast
I’m a ghost

His ears and eyes were open but his mind was shut tight
The hour will be much too far passed at his feeling contrite

With an evasive glance in her direction
He inquired what was it she had just said
She mumbled soft s’no problems Hon
Just got this slight pain inside my head

Deep down inside her spirit broke
Her neglected soul took to crying
A happy chameleon outside on her face
But internally her heart was dividing

Here ya go Babe a couple of aspirins
I bet that will help ease your pain
You believe you know just what I need
But you don’t know I’m halfway insane

With hand in the air “Hold on one sec Babe”
Johnnie needs to talk about something frustrating
She considered an end game of one thousand pills
He stayed wrapped up in deep conversating

No one had listened and not one soul knew
The pain she kept well hidden inside
All that they heard is it’s okay I’m fine
Nobody to comfort her world as she cried

Bravely she faces one last “how are you”
Fighting the forces at work in her head
Her eyes tell sad stories her mouth something else
With an artificial smile “I’m fine” she said

Peace

Alone in a Crowd (Crying In The Dark)

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Purchase this image at http://www.stocksy.com/49741

Even surrounded by his best ones he always feels alone
Rowdies all around him yet he’s forsaken to the bone
No one never hears his cry never hear the reclusive moan
Maybe that’s the reason why he’s always getting stoned

Good time Charley acting like he’s havin’ so much fun
But his lonely feelings always keep him on the run
Damn good thing this lonely man won’t ever have no gun
After one empty drunken night his livin would be done

He’s the loner in a crowd
Crowd that’s shouting loud
No one can even hear him
When he floats out on his cloud

Ain’t never gonna hit his mark
Got no fire ain’t got no spark
In his room he sobs all alone
Cryin’ in the dark

Underneath that happy smile depression hides inside
Ain’t no one for him to talk to no one to confide
No one will ever hear the voice he has to hide inside
But his head’s a screaming on a non stop torment ride

Tortured while you’re wide awake no way to have a life
Answering to your emotions at the tip of a sharp knife
Wish someone would see inside at his internal strife
Take away his loneliness an give him back his life

He’s a loner everywhere
No one will ever care
Hopes nobody finds him here
Hiding in his dark despair

Ain’t never gonna hit his mark
No ambition not a spark
In his room he sits all alone
Cryin’ in the dark

Silent Scream

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silent scream

Confusion
Am I damaged?
Deranged?’
Rearranged?
Aggravated and depraved
Never to be saved
Go away
Just disappear
Panic and fear
My constant companions
Forever in tandem
Delusional confusion
Talking so random
The voices
The shrieks
Keeping me together
Tearing me apart
Causing my pain
Folding my brain
Origami nightmares
The stares
Under the stairs
The stares and the glares
Tingling arm hairs
Nobody there
Inside my head
Despair
Its not fair
The era of terror
Is real and forever
I’m broken
Fragmented
Screaming in silence
Denial defiance
I need fixing
Remixing
Not blind confinement
Just an alignment
Set my inner rhythm’
Back to the beginnin’
Don’t just remind me
Of failures behind me
I don’t need a jailor
Because of my failure
I’m only injured
Mentally battered
Broken and shattered
Brain splattered
Grey matter scattered
Doesn’t matter
They can’t hear
No one hears the fear
Screaming in silence
Internally violent
Help!
No one near
Closed ears
Yell and shout
Growing doubt
Help me!
I scream but nothing comes out
A silent shout
Vocal drought
Raucously chaotic
Without a doubt
Franticly psychotic
Is what I’m about
The maddening crowd
Getting much too loud
Carnival shrieks
From voiceless freaks
No help will arrive
Stuck on this ride
Self destructive slide
Even failed suicide
Hide
Been hiding for years
Eyes full of tears
Ears full of jeers
My panic my fears
They’re my team
My life theme
I hope this silent scream
Is only a dream
Can anybody hear?
Doesn‘t matter, it will all be over soon anyway.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline….1-800-273-8255
Criris Hotline….800-784-2433
Depression Hotline..630-482-9696
All numbers are toll free, confidential, and 24/7
Help is only a phone call away
Be heard
PEACE

BRAIN FLU

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flu

Voices keep on taunting me
Tell me which one is right
Constant fighting in my head
Like a caged in cranium fight

Everyone just laughs at me
Whispering Kyle’s insane
They won’t get away with that
Ill show them fucking pain

I’m gonna go out and kill tonight
Someone has to die
Gotta go find a thrill tonight
That’ll really get me high

Just one thing I need to know
Not who or what or how
Only thing I need to get
Who’s that talking now?

They’re after us its time to act
Don’t listen Kyle don’t relax
Relax is what they want from you
Don’t sit in silence as you brood
Time to do it now time to act
You can do it
Act Kyle ACT!

They hate you -hit you- hurt you
They love to see you cry
Make them pay the little bitches
All of them should die
Do it Kyle, go on and do it!
Make their blood flow red
They don’t care about you Kyle
They only want you dead

No Kyle please he’s not real
Don’t listen to his crap
Don’t be a sap
Just get back in bed
He’s just a voice inside your head
He’s the one who wants you dead
Listen to me not what he said
He’s not real he’s just a voice
Come on Kyle you have a choice
Please Kyle Please take your pill
He only wants to see you kill

Not real? Not real? Of course I’m real
We’re each a part of you
Even that voice knows the deal
He’s just afraid but he’s still real
He’s no man
Afraid to take a stand
But we can do it we can kill
Its time to be a man
Get angry Kyle get good and mad
Let go Kyle and kill someone
It’ll stop you’re feeling bad
He wants them to hurt you
You know that he’s with them
They’re all out to destroy you
Kill while you still can

They don’t care Kyle
They don’t give a shit
They’ll kill you Kyle I swear they will
But we’ll have none of it
Time to fight, go ahead Kyle
Go and get the gun!
Get it now before you cave
Get it now its their blood you crave
They can’t laugh from in their grave

No please Kyle no, don’t get the gun, everything will be okay
Go back to bed get some sleep tomorrow’s another day
Don’t listen to him Kyle
He’s a chicken and a wimp
But he does have one point
Tomorrow Kyle is another day
Another day to disappoint
Another day of taunting
Another day of shame
Another day to make you sweat
Like its some fucking game
A day of laughing behind your backs
Get the gun Kyle get the bullets
Get it now
End their attacks
Remember Alice in the sheets
Remember Alice always cheats
Get the gun

STOP!
No more! My head hurts! Oh my Go it hurts so much!
Shut up! Shut up! Leave me alone!
Shut up all of you – just shut up!
Leave me alone please leave me alone. Get out of my mind
Someone please make them shut up make them stop!
Why do you guys all want to hurt me too?
What’d I ever do?
My heads all twisted my nerves are shot
I hate you all the entire lot
Why are these voice in my head
What am I to do?
Everyone keeps pushing me
I wish this shit was through
Yelling pushing shoving pounding
hurting inside my head
Get out of here go away all of you
I wish that I was dead
Then again, maybe you’re right
It all makes sense now Alice laughs
But the fault is hers
She laughs when I feel hurt
Maybe she’ll be happy
With blood all on her skirt
I’ll kill them both that wretched bitch
Her bastard boyfriend too
There’ll be hundreds dead tonight
Before the evenings through

But maybe I should take the pill
The one that makes me numb
That takes away the inner me
And leaves me feeling dumb
At least it makes the voices leave
For better or for worse
Plus one more night without the need
Of leaving in a hearse

Brain is hot, minds all sweaty
Voices start to muffle
Hope this brain flu ends on the med train
The Thorazine dull shuffle
Getting cool, heads quiet for a while
But who am?
Who are you?
And lastly,
Who is Kyle?

G’nite Kyle
G’nite Kyle
G’nite Kyle
G’nite Kyle
……………..G’nite guys, see ya tomorrow
Seriously, if you need help ask and if you know someone who may be suffering from depression or any other psyche challenging issues reach out. No one should have to fight themselves alone. PEACE

Subliminal Chaos

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out

Rock In Peace Robin……

Scorching flames of despair
Stretching the covers obscure
Across the evenings lonely wind
Truths are humble and demure

Stalking the corridors your head
You don’t suspect I’m even there
Your world gyrating upside down
Ambition vanishes into thin air

Feel the eyes around the corner
Giggles and insults from the shade
Suppress the facts deny the deed
Your secrets have been displayed

I creep within perceived reflection
I’m paranoia and I’m here to stay
Spit out all your shards of hope
Secretly haunting you every day

Twisted insecurities are what I give
Until your no longer able to cope
Tease you with artificial mind duller
Get you stone drunk or feed you dope

Because deep inside your thoughts I hide
Hidden from all right in plain sight
No one see’s the damage I inflict
Yet I’m driving you in your plight

What the Hell is wrong with you?
Why do you exist?
I know the reason you should die
I wrote the fucking list

You’re worthless no one likes you
Your world is a façade
I’ll crash land you into death
And end your endless fraud
Follow me