October Blue (Why Take The Children)

 

 

Grief is a bomb
It never stops exploding
Fills our worlds with chaos
Unrelenting and uncaring
Constant burning flames
Entering out souls
Our hearts
Reminding us how weak we are
Today I remember myself at my weakest
My baby girl
Taken away on this day
A beautiful shining star
Extinguished
It’s so unfair
I was supposed to be her strength
Hold her up with all my might
I held her so hard
I tried so much
I believed so strong
Poured my entire soul into my baby
Yet I failed
Still Megan I hold you in my heart
Every aching second
Of every single day
Time never passes
Not one single tick
Without a thought of you
I still don’t understand why
Many have reasoned
That you have gone with God
My baby is an angel at his side
But what need has any god of a child?
Who but the cruel and ruthless
Would erase the innocent
Not any God I can accept
We needed you here
But this isn’t about me
This isn’t about God
It’s about you
Yet still people have suggested
Perhaps God broke me to be rebuilt me
I never asked to be rebuilt
If true he took from my inner self
The most important part of me
The most true and honorable piece of me
My attempt to be her Dad
Is not unconditional love the most true?
But their God left a gaping abyss
An endless hole in my heart
No way to fill a hole that has no end
Yet on some arcane level
It was losing you that brought me to my awakening
Suffering…
Suffering is what made me who I am
All that remains now
Is my memory and
An existential mystery forever unsolved
An unanswered question asked for eternity
Why take the guiltless children?
Used as an innocent pawn
Why my baby?
She was not born to us of mere flesh
But of a longing of life
A desire to spread her wings and soar
An opportunity to exist
A chance to shine bright
Why was she deprived of life
Deprived of her own Goddam fate
Taken from us in a single morrow
I could drown in my tears
So many have I cried
Be lost in the light
So dark had my soul become
Been lost forever in the pain
So deep was my anger
Yet each day I must rise
Without your smile
Each day goes on
Without you
Everyday I struggle to wake
For without my child
I had no reason to exist
I would gladly perish
To give you a shining chance
One chance at living
But if living means this pain
I wish it not for you my Megan
For those who I share love
I continue on wounded forever
Now every earthly rotation hence
October comes at me hard
Stalking me like a villain
Reminding me of it’s power
The dominance it holds o’er me
Even with all its beautiful colors
With it’s clean crisp morning air
October darkens my doorstep with gloom
Obscuring my memories of what could have been
My Megan
Leaving me scarred
Tattoos carved deeply in my heart
All I have left now are those memories
Of a profound innocent loved shared
And the pinwheel above your new room
Which spins wild upon each visit I make
Each silent visit
Though I want to join you
I can’t sleep beside you yet
For there are others that still need me here
So sleep now my “Little Little”
I can celebrate not this October
For our memories can ease our pains
Or they can devour us
I hope for the former
The anniversary this month brings
Is forever unwanted
Yet this horrible pain
Is all I have left……
I never sleep during October
I only cry

Live and Love in Peace

War Is Unhealthy For Children And other Living Things

 

 

 

 

 

J.T. HILLTOP

 

The effects of the booze and drugs didn’t manage to dull the fact that my brother is dead in some country called Vietnam! It did however manage to leave me an ass kicking hangover teamed up with emotional overload. Jameson’s body, or what’s left of it, is being flown home tomorrow from Vietnam. So now what? Time to make preparations Old man war lover said of his son’s death . Just what in the fuck did that mean? How am I supposed to cope with losing my mentor, my big brother?
Kids in school barely spoke a word to me, afraid I had a dozen eggs hanging precariously around my heart. Maybe I did. I told them at work I needed a little more time off which of course was not a problem. Mom was in her denial stage wearing a fake smile but her vacant eyes betrayed the true feelings. One look at the hollow abyss of her glazed orb sockets and the masquerading smile fooled no one. Dad had spiraled downward and was drinking way too much, which for him was quite a feat. His precious fucking reputation around town had now become the poor martyr that sacrificed his son. Bullshit on that. Jameson was the one who fucking gave his life and Mr. well respected man about town was soaking up the sympathy like it was he himself that had fought in Viet fucking Nam. The only possible good side to all the bullshit was that my sister Mandy was coming home. Mandy sweet and innocent Mandy my older “true hippie” sister who had left home. I had always suspected my father of kicking her out of the house but Amanda maintained she left on her own. At the very least I was sure Dad had made living here impossible for her. Mandy had left and moved in with her boyfriend upstate New York in a town called South Fallsburg. I had been to visit them once when Ken and I drove up to the Catskill Mountains town to get away for a week two summers ago. Her boyfriend Todd had studied Club Management at Sullivan County Community College while Mandy took some photography classes and worked part time as a bartender at the Bending Elbow. Todd finished his two years and landed a job at a resort club in Monticello as assistant manager. The last time I heard from her she was still working and was trying to find work as a nature photographer. I would find out soon enough because part of the preparation was getting a room ready. I really missed her.
Dad was too drunk so I had to bring Mom to the Funeral Home to make arrangements. Jesus shit this must have been the hardest thing I ever did. Mom sat and nodded her head as a sleazy mortician described what services they offered. It was downright offensive that he was asking my Mom about tips for the gravediggers, and did she want to spray some air freshener in the casket. I mean I know it needs to be done, but all we were getting from the US Army as I understood it was an American flag and a uniform once worn by my brother and his remains. Remains? He died in a fucking bomb massacre and truth is I have always had a distrust of the military but give me a break. They most likely scrapped together whatever organic shit was left of the troop that were killed and shared it among the families of all the deceased. Who really gives a shit if it smells nice anyway? The fucking topper was getting her to buy a vault so the “a umm, bio-organic scavengers don’t infiltrate the casket.” Oh, do you mean so the worms, maggots, and grubs don’t eat his body? There is no God damn body you scumbag, only remains! But again, I guess he had to do what he had to do. I would absolutely hate a job like that. The memories of all the bodies being discreetly removed from the Nursing Home patients that died flooded my mind. I imagined a similar conversation took place with their families and thought how many of them wouldn’t have even cared about the worms and such. But Mom did, and I knew it was all about her and not me. My loser old man couldn’t even make it to the funeral home. All that did was added to my already boiling distain for his sorry self-pitying ass.
On the ride home I knew I needed to get Mom talking. “When is Mandy getting home?” As if on cue Mom broke out of her desperate trance. “She is coming in Sunday night. I can’t wait to see her Can you pick her up at the train station JT?.” I was going to respond but she immediately regressed back into her sad and morose meditation. Jesus shit this was tough, and I have no idea what to do. I let Mom wallow through the five steps of mourning as I continued to attempt to make sense of the world. This fucked up Jameson free world. I can’t handle all this death shit man, I gotta do something!

 

 

 

When we got home from the funeral sales floor the old man was sitting in his recliner and was clearly out of it. My anger began to gather in the pit of my stomach and work its way up into my overloaded brain. I looked at that sorry excuse of a man and decided that this was the time. I got right up in his face. “Why don’t you get up off of your self-centered pitiful ass and go comfort my Mom? She is in so much more pain and all you do is sit your worthless ass here and get drunk and feel sorry for yourself. Where are your patriotic self righteous principles now? Jameson is fucking dead! Dead! I told you this war would kill him and now it has. Mom cries every god damn night and all you can do is drink beer. You call me worthless well what the fuck are you?” It was the first time I ever cursed in front of my Dad and it felt strangely good. The only thing that could have possibly felt better was if I had a picture of the look on his stunned face. He had no clue what to do because in his cold heart he knew I was right. I just read that asshole his rights and I liked it! He was speechless and I sensed his angst not directed at me for a change but at himself. He looked sheepishly toward my Mom, looked at me and then back at her again. I believe he was debating whether he should try and beat me to a pulp or go and comfort his wife but surprisingly after a short deliberation he chose to do the right thing. As soon as they embraced I knew it was time for me to head to my room, my fucking sanctuary. I needed some comforting too! I also realized that things had changed profoundly here at home and nothing will ever be the same. Sometimes my life is just so fucked up I am not sure what I should do.
As fucked up as it was though as soon as I walked through the door I knew what I was going to do. I knew that I was gonna snort some morphine pills. The twin tablets Ken had left me had been singing a sweet love song to me ever since they made it into my pocket. I grabbed my stash, a cleverly hollowed out bible, and grabbed the pills. Next I pulled out my new Grateful Dead Album. It was a live double album of the Dead who are by far my favorite band. Not a Deadhead yet but I have seen them quite a few times and I own every album they have made so far. But today this album would serve double purpose. Music to soothe my soul as well as “drug paraphernalia” to soothe my brain. I opened the album cover and placed the pills in the center of one side. With the back of a soup spoon I crushed the 2 pills into a pile of powder. I had seen movies so I knew what to do and I took out a razor blade so I could chop up the pills even finer. Then out came my driver’s license and I formed two long lines of white powder. I rolled up a 20 dollar bill, put one end in one nostril and closed the other with my finger. I sniffed hard and fast as if I were a Hoover vacuum cleaner until both of the lines had gone deep into my sinus cavity. It burnt so much I thought I would get a nosebleed but I immediately clasped my nostrils shut so nothing would escape. Next I drew in a hard breath through my nose like a strong sniffle. Jesus shit it was like I could feel it making its way up my nose and into my brain. I looked up feeling like I was going to sneeze, my eyes began to water, but within 15 seconds a new sensation set across my whole body. Wow, a warm and fuzzy! It really is warm and fuzzy, and as if by magic every bad thing in the universe disappeared. Not gone but certainly forgotten, at least for a short while. I whispered to myself intending it for Ken. “This shit is like 10 times better than ludes man, you were right! I felt good.” Not just good man, great. Fuck everything man. James is still dead, my old man is still an asshole, my Mom cries all the time, but at the same time, everything is okay. Not gone, but okay! Holy shit, I think I just found a new religion. I will now become a morphine-ite and worship the serenity it has bathed me in. And the music was perfect, I had chosen side 3, an18 minute jam called “The Other One” and I closed my eyes and drifted. Praise Jerry. It was Jerry Garcia’s guitar that scooped me up in a magic carpet and set me on a course to wonderland. I was chasing Grace Slicks White Rabbit and feeling great. I plopped on the headphones to help drown out the sobbing and reconciliation of Mom and Dad. I wondered for a second if they were going to have sex, and nearly threw up in my mouth a bit at the thought. Fuck this man, I need to drift off in this music. Take me away Jerry. So Jerry and Sister Morphine took me by the hand and walked me down into the garden of serenity, hoping the piper will lead me to reason. And a new day will dawn, if I can only stand long, and the forests will echo with laughter. I really love laughter. As always the drugs took me away, so very far away from this mad fucking world! Knowing it was Dangerous didn’t make me more cautious, it made me want to continue doing it forever.

Continued Tomorrow

 

The Story Of My Main Man

 

 

Time can be cruel by suffocating us in our recollections of youth but it can also shine a reflective light on our accomplishments. Today my son, a husband and father, has seen his 36th full trip around the sun and celebrates another Natal Anniversary, which in and of itself is not necessarily an accomplishment. The relationship we forged and his successes are an accomplishment to me Like a fine wine our relationship has matured into an exceptionally superb full bodied tale that sates the souls of our camaraderie. As most fathers will agree it was complicated at times but the result for us is a father and son connection offering richness in flavor and bursting with a floral aroma’s of love. I think more of him as my favorite mate than merely a result of half my DNA. The love of a father and son has matured to the point of best friends. His story is one of success and happiness, a devouring of life that satisfies his essence and fills him with gratification and verve that never ceases to fill my heart with pride. Happy Birthday Little cool Man…..

The Story Of My Main Man
When my final chapter is written
And my story becomes history
My son will be a large part of it
The boy who shaped me into a father
The youth who fashioned my patience
Forged my boundaries of tolerance
A young man who challenged me
Allowing me to grow into fatherhood
How do you thank someone for that?
Simply for being themselves
When I’m gone maybe some will tell my tale
It will be the story of who I was
What I became
And my son will have a big role
His life will be all about me
That’s a lie!
The real truth is
I will be a small part of his glory story
The man who whispered to him to be true
Sent him out to carve his own history
The story of a boy who became a man
Forging his own path in a forest of thickets
Overcoming the dangers of treacherous waters
To become a man with head held high
A story that should be mandatory teaching
A tale that should be shouted across the universe
The song of a boy who challenged his own limits
A young lad who overcame the perils of his parents
A great father
A great husband
A great human being
A modern male Cinderella who controlled his destiny
If pride is a commodity I am so rich for having you
You are wealth beyond my imagination
I would prefer being full with your love
To all the riches I ever dreamt of
And believe me, I have dreamed plenty
If I could borrow from my own future
I would gladly give my time to him
So I thank you my son for being you
And having me be a part of your story

So that’s my son. My main man who taught me at least as much as I taught him and then more, who is now my best friend. I could never repay you for all you have given me, and all I have ever really had is words, so I am giving you these three words for you to keep, three words of mine which you will forever own, and forever have dominion over. I give these three words freely….I Love You
Happy Birthday Justin

Children Want To Know Why

 

Why is there war?
What is it for?
Do the rich simply want to have more?
Is that what we have politics for?
Somebody profits that’s for sure
Open your eyes, take the tour
Lost in the street with hunger pains
Clouds crying down in apocalyptic rains
Families sifting through the remains
Searching for their kin
Finding pelts of burnt skin
Like it’s a win
Fracking for the truth
Only to find destroyed youth
And the children just keep on asking
Why?
Why did my parents have to die
What makes them kill what makes them cry?
Hatred spreads like a plague
The truth is far too vague
Children beg
Pray each night to see light
But what they get is fright
Skies explode in burning glory
Streets littered in deaths blood so gory
Wishing mom would read a story
But she’s not home
Agents of war left our world so torn
What shall they leave for our kin yet unborn
A world of scorn? A world forlorn?
Or a nation reborn!
Do children need to die?
Why?
What does is bring save an unbroken chain
Of misery and loss followed by pain
At what cost?
Playgrounds of frost
Balls left untossed
Motherless children wandering lost
For what?
Belief in the Pentecost?
Ignoring lines that adults have crossed
Bombing for serenity
To execute their enemy
Kill one of them kill ten of me
I still don’t see
The children want to know who
Who sends their parents into death
Who sends the bombs from the Ivory tower
Having an orgasm while rolling in power
Far from the battles where puppets die
You’re the one who burnt their sky
Put the tears into their eyes
Filled them with your freedom lie
You destroyed them so you tell them why

Is Anyone listening?

aleppo

 

Unacceptable Casualties
No its not tears of hurt I’m crying
The droplets come from the acrid smoke
A metaphoric world burning to the ground
My eyes glazed in saline apathy from
All the heads that simply turn away
Ignoring the screams of the children lost
The shame of the inhumane brutality ignored
Pretending that the importance of their own lives
Their bubble of social or political discord
Carries a greater weight of relevance
Than a little boy who gave away his shoes
Because he no longer had feet
Or the sobbing little girl clutching her doll
To protect it from flames of home on fire
The microcosm of global destruction called Aleppo
Where all the people stopped praying when
They believed their God stopped listening
Why should I care?
I want to help but Monday Night Football is on
And apparently Jesus is busy making touchdowns
Besides I have my own war to fight of Facebook
And I have so many excessive things to buy because
That’s the best way to honor the Lords natal occurrence
He never wanted us to help the helpless did he?
My apologies for the sarcasm, its all I have left
I’m all out of tears
Live and Love in Peace

Mighty Meg

meg

These words are not meant to elicit sympathy or empathy or instill a sense of sadness or regret, but to inspire an urgency to express love, to share love, to experience love, and proclaim love before time denies you that privilege….   Live and Love in Peace

 

 

She sailed into the world
On a gilded cloud
Stars bursting pearl cinders
Platinum moon smiling bright
Comets holding their breath
Circadian rhythms echoing softly
Feathered creatures flapped and crooned
Morning sun rose in admiration
Butterflies danced in adulation
A magical sensation
Cosmic jubilation
Her name murmured softly in the wind
Megan Laurine, Warrior Woman
Mighty Meg
The Universe is put on notice
Our precious diamond would shine
Lifting us towards utopia
Eyes that comfort and soothe
Contagious engaging smile
Igniting the fires of cosmic reality
Life gleamed undiminished
Until the ills of fate crept in
Left its loathsome stench
The burnt smell of betrayal
A gallery of people beside her
The walls of the hospital drenched
In the tears of so many children
Who had come this way before her
The walls screamed in exhaustion
Hearing the Wailing of despondent parents
An unending corridor
A spiral staircase to Hell
The halls of healing fell silent
Machines of life monitoring no more
No longer having purpose
Boasting an analogy of our reality
A once Technicolor world
Now gray cold and lonely
Our crying eyes watched
As heaven burnt to the ground
The smoke blurred our vision
From Iscariots lips
A burning ember kissed my cheek
Leaving a deep laceration
A scar leaving a furrow
To be forever filled with despair
The world turned inside out
Senseless and absurd
Void of purpose
Hopelessness abounded
But a natal event
Lifting our wings once more
Liberated Megan’s legacy
To be shared with everyone
Twenty five years ago today
A tiny little spark soared up in the sky
Finding her place amongst the stars
Where she shines her light on us everyday
We love you Meg
Shine on you crazy diamond

 

NO IFS, ANDS, OR BUTS

dad

 

 

A Little Ditty of Dads Advice
Stand up for yourself
You need to have guts
If he hits you hit back
No ifs ands of or buts

Work hard in school
Don’t become a putz
Get your diploma
No ifs ands or buts

You all need haircuts
You look like lost mutts
Find yourselves a job
No ifs ands or buts
You need to stand up tall
No time to be a klutz
I can’t stay here forever
No if ands or buts

Raise your own family
Love has no shortcuts
Give all of yourself
No if ands or buts
When its time for me to go
When I strut my final struts
Smile and carry on
No if ands or buts
I made a lot of mistakes in my quest to be a good Dad, but I always tried to keep the torch lit so I could pass it to my children. My kids have kept the torch lit showing the way for their own families and have done a far better job than I did which is how it should be if progress has any hope of moving forward. I am very proud of my children despite my shortcomings they have prevailed and excelled as parents which is a job suitable only for someone who can handle the daily parental pressures of be driven nuts. No ifs ands or buts.
HAPPY FATHERS DAY