October Blue (Why Take The Children)

 

 

Grief is a bomb
It never stops exploding
Fills our worlds with chaos
Unrelenting and uncaring
Constant burning flames
Entering out souls
Our hearts
Reminding us how weak we are
Today I remember myself at my weakest
My baby girl
Taken away on this day
A beautiful shining star
Extinguished
It’s so unfair
I was supposed to be her strength
Hold her up with all my might
I held her so hard
I tried so much
I believed so strong
Poured my entire soul into my baby
Yet I failed
Still Megan I hold you in my heart
Every aching second
Of every single day
Time never passes
Not one single tick
Without a thought of you
I still don’t understand why
Many have reasoned
That you have gone with God
My baby is an angel at his side
But what need has any god of a child?
Who but the cruel and ruthless
Would erase the innocent
Not any God I can accept
We needed you here
But this isn’t about me
This isn’t about God
It’s about you
Yet still people have suggested
Perhaps God broke me to be rebuilt me
I never asked to be rebuilt
If true he took from my inner self
The most important part of me
The most true and honorable piece of me
My attempt to be her Dad
Is not unconditional love the most true?
But their God left a gaping abyss
An endless hole in my heart
No way to fill a hole that has no end
Yet on some arcane level
It was losing you that brought me to my awakening
Suffering…
Suffering is what made me who I am
All that remains now
Is my memory and
An existential mystery forever unsolved
An unanswered question asked for eternity
Why take the guiltless children?
Used as an innocent pawn
Why my baby?
She was not born to us of mere flesh
But of a longing of life
A desire to spread her wings and soar
An opportunity to exist
A chance to shine bright
Why was she deprived of life
Deprived of her own Goddam fate
Taken from us in a single morrow
I could drown in my tears
So many have I cried
Be lost in the light
So dark had my soul become
Been lost forever in the pain
So deep was my anger
Yet each day I must rise
Without your smile
Each day goes on
Without you
Everyday I struggle to wake
For without my child
I had no reason to exist
I would gladly perish
To give you a shining chance
One chance at living
But if living means this pain
I wish it not for you my Megan
For those who I share love
I continue on wounded forever
Now every earthly rotation hence
October comes at me hard
Stalking me like a villain
Reminding me of it’s power
The dominance it holds o’er me
Even with all its beautiful colors
With it’s clean crisp morning air
October darkens my doorstep with gloom
Obscuring my memories of what could have been
My Megan
Leaving me scarred
Tattoos carved deeply in my heart
All I have left now are those memories
Of a profound innocent loved shared
And the pinwheel above your new room
Which spins wild upon each visit I make
Each silent visit
Though I want to join you
I can’t sleep beside you yet
For there are others that still need me here
So sleep now my “Little Little”
I can celebrate not this October
For our memories can ease our pains
Or they can devour us
I hope for the former
The anniversary this month brings
Is forever unwanted
Yet this horrible pain
Is all I have left……
I never sleep during October
I only cry

Live and Love in Peace

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2 thoughts on “October Blue (Why Take The Children)

  1. Sadness all around. This:
    “But this isn’t about me
This isn’t about God
It’s about you”
    A father just wants his daughter to know life.
    I’m sorry for your loss. I will hold you and your “Little Little” in my heart today.

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