Death After Death, The Finale

 

 

By J. T. Hilltop

 

I had enough at this point. This creator, this “Al” had made us humans seem so uncaring and in denial of our position in world evolution. As humans we have made immense contributions in the advancement of our planet. Yea I get it, I’m dead and in the afterlife now but I still care about humanity and its place in this planets history. Al had a lot more to say.

“So many of the creatures that have perished from your advances would disagree as to how great human accomplishments have been JT. You believe you are the superior species but you think nothing of killing each other. Sure you pretend to care, but look at it realistically. If you walked down the street with an assault rifle and killed ten men you would be arrested, locked up for the rest of your life. Do the same thing in combat and you’re a hero. You like to pick and choose who and when your killing is okay, but in the circle of life its only okay for impending survival. You kill due to a disagreement over arbitrary geographic boundaries or differing faiths. You never learned to process that important information. Life is precious. You place animals in cages away from where they live so your kids can all gawk at the mighty lion or funny chimpanzees. Ever think of how they got there? I can tell you they didn’t walk in and say could you please put me up here for the rest of my life, this jungle is scary. The journey to your game farms, zoo’s, and aquariums were not pleasant. Animals should be where they’re supposed to be, living on earth like everything else, even humans. But as you say, that barn door is closed, it has gone way to far and it will take an act of profound evolutionary coincidence to reverse it. On some levels humans are a disappointment. You see JT, when I created your universe I had one rule to follow, and that was to never interfere with the process and development of life. We create life and then watch it take its course.”

“Not that we grow things just to look at, we grow them to allow them to experience and hence evolve and adapt. You may not realize this but those mighty oaks you think do nothing but stand tall feel as proud as they look and they enjoy their lives, the dangers and pitfalls as well as the wonder of having birds nest on them and watching as the generations of robins live out their lives. Yes there are dangers out there, and survival of one is often at the expense of another, but life is a happy accident. It’s an honor to have one and you have had a very rich one if you really think about it. You can point out the ugly parts, the funerals you attended, losing people close to you, the tragedies of life, the struggles and hard times, but don’t overlook those good things. That’s what made life so worth living. How many of those mountains and waterfalls and trees and flowers did you have a chance to enjoy? How many moments of intense joy did you experience? More than many I can tell you that. If you think back the magnificence of life will far outweigh the tragedies. The truly sad part is it needs to end. Conscious life ends JT so another life may have its opportunity to thrive and experience. You had a great life and you were part of something very beautiful, those moments in time you had. Like the animal that dies in the forest, you never really leave, you just become another part of the forest. A dead animal was food for grub worms, which were eaten by crickets, which were eaten by owls and so on. Nothing really leaves the jungles, it becomes another form of life. You are more lucky because the cosmos is your jungle, and you get to become other parts of the universe. If there was one thing I wish humans could convey back after they die it would be to shake up the living and tell them to enjoy life. Stop fighting over things that don’t really matter and enjoy the fantastic world around them. But alas, I fear the message will never be brought back down to earth. Anyway, its your time to leave and your going where you were always meant to go.”

Now I was pretty much speechless. All I could do was think over all he had told me. Knowingly Al took me by the hand and walked me into another room, a much more comfortable room. It was warm and inviting and I began to get just a little nervous as if I were in a cosmic hospice. The room was all glass and surrounded by a huge garden filled to the brim with plants and flowers, and chipmunks and birds. Alive with sounds of life, chirps, growls, shouts, running water. Like I was getting a last look at all the beauty my planet had offered me through the years. There was a stairwell that led to what I guessed was an observation deck of some sort. Al pointed up the stairs and I went, all the time taking in the sights, sounds and smells. So beautiful, I hope I’m not going to miss it too much. When I got to the top I was blown away. It was like a dream observatory looking out into space, the cosmos, the multiverses, or maybe infinity. More stars than I had ever seen, even in my younger days before light pollution obscured my childhood nightscapes. “Oh my god Al, this is remarkable.” Al was smiling. “An odd choice of phrase, oh my god, don’t you think?” I knew he was teasing me so I gave him the response he wanted. “It’s a conditioned response Al, I get it. God is a concept we invented to explain how beautiful and precious life is. That’s what the woman I first met meant when she said God is everything. God does exist but its not in the form of a spirit, human, or even a scientist for that matter. God is a concept to help us understand the information we are unable to process. The truth. That’s what I’m here for right.?” Al just gave me a knowing nod and placed his arm over my shoulder. The two of us stared into the sky for some time, inhaling its enormity.
“So what Al, this is it? All the stars out there, is that where I’m going?” I was staring up through the skylight and the view was breathtaking. Literally. “Yes JT, that’s your next destination. You are a bundle of billions and billions of tiny balls of energy and you will be released out there to become energy parts in millions of other matter. That’s why as a young boy you would stare up at the night sky with such awe and wonder, you where looking up to your past as well as your future and it was…No it IS beautiful. All your dreams of astral transport, traveling from star to star, visits to the moon and beyond. It’s happening, it’s real. Except your present self won’t know it. You were meant to gather info on earth and absorb it so you can enrich the cosmos. This my son…this your big moment. You are about to become part of something bigger than you could ever imagine. So go ahead, take off JT.”
I gave Al one last look, and smiled at him. “I’m ready. Sorry I made you look so nerdy Al, you deserve better. Thank you, thank you so much for this.” We stood in silence for a few seconds. “You know you’re right Al, I remember staring up at the night sky and seeing the big beautiful moon, and the thousands of sparkling little stars and always imagined being part of it, being up there and dancing on the stars.” Al was smiling a big smile now and he nodded towards the stars. I knew, knew in an instant it was my time to go, I gave Al one last look, mouthed the words thank you one last time, and left my world a very happy bundle, of billions and billions of balls of energy.
The Beginning

 

We All Live In A Yellow Petri Dish

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J.T. Hilltop

There are those among us that believe that we ourselves are the ultimate creations, the single most important things in the entire universe. No, not Trump, I’m talking about the science deniers and reverently religious zealots who still insist that the universe is finite and was created by the one and only true creator, theirs. The ones that say earth is only 6,000 years old and science is pure bovine defecation. Taking into consideration that when the world was created calculators were still a ways off, not to mention that the length of a day was our creation not Gods I have to disagree. A day could have lasted a million of our years or a millisecond of time, who‘s to say. Still many insist scientists have it wrong and deny that their religious texts are open to interpretation, that it should all taken literal. (or at least until the literal doesn’t agree with their perceptions) They believe not only are we the most intelligent but we are also the chosen species. Bad news my zealot friends, the truth is we are but small specks of a bacterium culture in a Petri dish being studied under a microscope. Much like the bacterial sight of worms and assorted squiggly things we viewed in biology labs in high school. Perhaps we haven’t even been discovered yet by the scientists/creators studying us. We are merely part of a quantum theory to those viewing universal growth in a dish. To them the bacteria we observe microscopically is still a hypothesis and they are searching for the Higgs Bosen or God particle of humanity. Which in reality once they find this sub atomic particle is nothing more than our very own discovery of staphylococcus. Get it? Well don’t, it’s a bitch to get rid of. But anyway that essentially makes us pathogens to these humongous scientific creatures who have us in their labs in a Petri dish. Confused? Okay, a little perspective.

Physicists today have gone way beyond big bang theory into string, quantum, multi dimensional, and multi-universal thought. Most believe there is not just one universe we can’t even seem to find the end of or that keeps expanding but perhaps there are two or more, maybe an infinite number of universes. We can only see what’s in our own “observable” universe so how can we possibly have enough arrogance to claim there is nothing else but our universe? Personally I think instead of just exploring all over the universe trying to find the end one of us should just stop and ask directions. Unfortunately that would involve admitting we are not the smartest species in this universe. Earth is just one spinning orb filled with various forms of life perhaps totally different from any of the millions of other types of living matter out there in the deep recess of space. At any rate, its my belief that our universe is situated in a huge sort of culture dish in a ginourmous scientific lab that makes the large Hadron Collider in CERN seem like a waterpark. Think of our world being observed like a tiny little ant farm. But one being viewed from the moon. Not our moon, Io, one of Jupiter’s moons.

The truth is our universe does have limits in the way of a spherical finite dish with a circumference as its boundaries. Sure it can grow like bacteria grows but even with logarithmic growth spurts it will eventually hit the rim of the dish and be forced to stop. Our seemingly never ending universe is a live active culture in large round dish known as Experiment#541728226, and it is stored along with hundreds upon hundreds of other universe dishes all containing planets, solar systems, galaxies, quasars, black holes, pulsars and super novas. Or as the multiverse creator/scientists call it, Cosmic Bacterium. To us, our planet has a multitude of different species including humans, but to the Cosmic Scientist we are merely an organic growth in a dish. Its an experiment and we are what they call micro-humanoid genatlium, a parasitic bacteria they discovered on the hairs of the genitals of a species from their world similar to our primates. Kinda like gorilla ball hair bacteria, simian salmonella if you will.

Now I know this all sounds a bit far fetched, like maybe a chapter from an L Ron Hubbard or Michael Creighton story but when you really think about it its not much different than many of the wacko tales of some of our more creative or devolved religions around our own world. Aside from the obvious out there accounts burning bushes, floating zoo’s, talking donkeys, plague bringers, salt pillar people, and river parters of the more common sort we have one religion created by a sci-fi writer that involves alien infiltration. Then we have the not so mainstream or well known religions like ones that focus on magic spells, UFO’s, cosmic light people, and even a church of euthanasia, which promotes cannibalism, suicide, and sodomy. The Seven Deadly Sin Day Adventists. And that’s not even the most bizarre. There is a group of people whose religious belief is that the illuminati impregnated a women with Satan’s sperm and delivered the baby antichrist They also believe that Nicola Tesla was originally from Venus and that we are conducting cloning experiments on Mars. Now I ask you, is a universe that’s a petri dish in a cosmic laboratory really all that out there in this perspective?

I mean really, compare my theory to creation theorist that include leaders who convince their followers to drink poison Kool aid, commit mass suicide to transport their souls to a spaceship chasing the comet Hale Bop, allowed themselves to be killed while locked in a building with their families? How about a theory that the creator of life came from a big boat on a planet orbiting the star Sirius. I’m serious, Sirius! I’m not saying religion is wrong, or bad, but why can’t my theory be as viable as the others?

Shit, by comparison my theory sounds almost plausible, or perhaps even sane! Hell, maybe it is sane, maybe I’m on to something. Perhaps the end of the world as we know it won’t be so spectacular, perhaps our world will end when the scientist in charge of experiment 541728226 gets frustrated at their progress and dumps the entire universe down a galactic drainpipe. Or maybe I watch too much Doctor Who and enjoyed too much mind benders back in the day, but then again hey……Ya never know, I could be on to something. The TARDISites of Gallifrey….I’d follow depending on what sna

 

The Real Information Age (excerpt from JT Hilltops Death After Death)

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I’m still not sure what I was experiencing or why I was hearing any of this shit at all. I mean if I’m dead then what’s the point. Al the creator was right about one thing though, enquiring minds do want to know. So before I go and become, what was it he said, a comet or a fucking quasar or some shit, or before I wake the fuck up or whatever it is that happens after dying I want to hear what he has to say. “Okay who or whatever you are tell me. What’s the truth and why does it matter to me?”

“Oh JT, maybe it doesn’t matter, or maybe it will bring you closure who knows except you? Maybe you’ll even be that one anomaly of humans to find a way to bring back the information you learn in death to your living world, I really can’t say. At any rate, here’s the truth. I’ll start with your misconception of information. You think you live in the age of information well let me tell you when it comes to information those ferns and plants over there are far more highly evolved as a species than you. Vegetation is not just food, pretty to look at, nice to smell, and a source of energy. Vegetation collects and processes information everyday, all day, gathering information from its environment and any visiting insects or animals that happen by. It gathers information from the sun and converts it into chemical energy including oxygen. Can you photosynthesize JT? Kind of ironic that one of the most highly evolved living things cannot master mobility. Not yet anyway. Even the giant fir trees can communicate to other trees. Once attacked by a horde of hungry insects any tree will emit smells to warn other trees which in turn process that information. The other trees then begin to emit chemical defenses to avert destruction. They can both emit and receive information through aromas. That’s understanding information my boy. Can you do that JT? Can you process the information from chemical aromas and plan a strategy of defense? Animals can process lots of information too and either put up a defense, plan a counter attack, or flee based on the info it receives. Most humans believe logic to be their sole possession but even small animals use logic. You see my boy the real information age came about centuries ago but you humans had your eyes and minds closed because you were too busy warring and destroying in the name of  world domination. Evolution JT, that’s in formation being processed and passed in ways to better each and every species. Ants and bees can communicate to their entire colonies through touch or dance, instantly sharing gigabytes of information to the benefit of the whole group. You idiots can’t even agree on what’s right in front of you, like pollution or climate change. You spend years debating over nature while nature continues to move forward through evolution. That’s real information working its magic.

Bioluminescence, instinct like frantic sea turtles running for safety at birth, these are the kinds of useful information passed along. Knowing their environment and adapting to the changes. A fox sees a squirrel track and understands instantly from the intricacies of that track which direction it’s potential meal is going, about how big it is, and even estimate if its worth chasing or a too much energy wasted in a futile chase. From the aromas it can tell how long ago it was there, what it is, and then form a strategy based on where its going, how far away it is, how long ago it left and decide whether to go after it or look for another meal closer and easier to catch. That’s using information. You use Google and fill your brains with tons of unnecessary information. One day you will fill your heads with so much unnecessary information you won’t be able to grasp what goes on around you in the world at all. Or maybe another evolutionary twist will get you to the point where you only process the info you really need. But better of worse your burning desire to know everything is part of your evolutionary drive. That’s why your species invented religion, to quell that unyielding desire to know why you’re here so you could concentrate on survival. Without the various religions to distract you from the truth your kind would have become extinct while chasing answerless questions eons ago. You would not have been able to form survival strategies if you were in a pointless search for why you were on earth. So religions enabled you to celebrate your superiority on earth so you could process the more important information. The drawback obviously was that the diversity of gods you created led to arguments which eventually spiraled into wars.” Al paused as if exhausted, or maybe he was pissed but either way I was beginning to get it. It was actually beginning to make sense yet I was still not convinced that I wasn’t dreaming this whole mess. “That is pretty fascinating Al, but I was pretty toasted last night and this entire thing seems so unreal. I mean maybe I watched a science show before bed and it made me dream this shit about you and evolution.”

“A dream, eh? Good point! Ever wonder why you dream JT?” The smile on his face seemed almost devious. “Your brain takes all the shit you’ve processed and then messes with you by presenting it in an abstract manner. All day long your brain is very busy collecting information from your nose, ears, eyes, and skin. It has to filter out what’s unimportant, put what is important into memory, and still be ready to make split second decisions on even the most mundane things you do daily. Simple things like washing your hands. While your washing thousands of events are happening right where you are standing. Things you don’t see, or rather don’t notice because your brain views them as insignificant so it doesn’t process them. Maybe it’s a tiny hair strand floating by. Knowing its there is of little use to you and your brain concentrate on more important things. Sounds, smells, and sights are in full force around you all the time, so your brain puts you on memory which to you is like auto pilot, while it continues to search the world around you. It’s a very busy job and it juggles many things at once. The brain loves to work and thrives in busy situations making decisions every split second. Then at night you turn out the lights and go to sleep leaving your brain with little to do, not much in the way of senses to process. Now its almost like your brain is bored while you sleep so it makes up frightening images so scary some people wake up in a sweat. If your brain has been overworked it will make it seem so real you wake up wondering if its really happening or am I dreaming?. Other times it will cause you total confusion by showing you something so ridiculous you’ll wanna pinch yourself when you wake. Most of the time you just wake up so confused all you can think when you do wake up is what the fuck that was all about. You remember your sexual dreams as an adolescent? Okay, I won’t go there, just know your brain really enjoyed fucking with you back then and got your body to respond in kind. As if puberty wasn’t hard enough! Pun intended by the way JT.”

I thought it strange he would make a pun, being a lover of puns myself I know it’s considered a poor mans form of humor. But no time to dwell on why he was punning he was obviously not finished reading me the story of life. “You live in an age of over-information son. I’m here to help you sort through all the bullshit so you can move on and understand your role in the universe. In my universe.” Maybe I was over-reacting, or tired and out of sorts but for some reason the last part stung a little bit. “Your universe? So we’re back on that huh, you’re what, God, Yahweh, Allah. The creator of everything? You look so insignificant, no offense, but I really expected the creator to be a bit more, oh I don’t know, regal and grandeur or some big smoke monster or something.” The diminutive scientist/mathematician smiled. “I’m sorry to disappoint you JT, but as I told you before I am merely a manifestation, an image you have created to fit my role. Universes are created by scientists, not gods. So I appear to you as you envision a scientist. This clipboard is a prop. Have you seen me use it for anything? What do I need a clipboard for. It’s even you talking except when the info is over your head. So blame yourself if you’re disappointed, I’m not here to make you feel good about yourself, I’m here to tell you what you don’t know about yourself. If you don’t want to hear let me know and we’ll call it quits and you can just move on.”

TBC

 

 

Death After Death part 2

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J.T. Hilltop

Life after death? Is that what’s to be with me? One thing for sure I can’t wait to meet this “Creator” at the bottom of the staircase. I started down the steps I had just recently negotiated in an odd mix of fear and curiosity. Halfway down I stopped and looked back up to ask one more question. My advisor was no longer there I was alone. The image, my Mom, my daughters, my love, my friends everyone I ever cared about were gone. They had all disappeared and I was alone with a notion. The notion that something was waiting at the bottom of the staircase and that something was the truth. What is truth? Is truth law? Will truth reveal all? Is truth unchanging or ever changing? Can I choose a dare instead of truth? Will it set me free? Does truth have feeling? Can I handle the truth? Will I find the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? And most importantly, are all these questions even necessary? Time to go on down to the bottom and find out!

No more questions I have my answer. Go downstairs and find out what the truth is. I proceeded cautiously not knowing if truth was an entity, a concept, or a trap. As I climbed downward I noticed that the staircase was spiral. But it wasn’t a spiral before. Or was it? Whatever, its time to bribe the piper, to face the joyous sounds expressed through musical instruments, time to get on the hippie multiple person transport vehicle and find out for myself. When I reached the bottom of the staircase no one was there, just a huge blackboard with some drawings and equations scrawled across it. There was a picture of a DNA strand, a helix, and a diagram of a Nautilus shell, diagrams of various ferns, flowers and plants all spiral in shape, and some sort of segment worm curled up tight. Tacked onto the top of the blackboard were 3 aerial photographs of massive super storms. On the other side of the board was all numbers, or rather symbols numbers and fractions and such. A math geeks orgasm. There were some I recognized like 3.14159265359, which I knew was pi, multiples of nine showing how each quotient adds back up to nine, (9×2=18..1+8=9,9×3=27..2+7=9..etc), as well as a series of equations that could not possibly be more foreign to me. Perhaps even Einstein would have found a spot amongst his quizzical locks to scratch his head and ponder the meaning. That said….What the Fuck?? What is all this shit supposed to mean to me? This is the truth? I didn’t understand what or why I was looking at this strange blackboard but I knew it would give me the answer to my…….Jesus shit I don’t even remember the question anymore. Not sure if it was what is life all about or what is death all about or something in between. Something important was here in front of me so I decided to give it a stab with the images and leave the math number and letters problem for the end. I looked closely at the image of the giant storms from an aerial view, the nautilus, and the ferns and realized that they were all spiral in shape. Just like the damn staircase. Come to think of it the DNA strand and helix are two spirals intertwined. I looked to the spiral formed by the segment worm all curled up. Then I thought about a milky way galaxy photo I had seen before. Out loud to no one I blurted out, “Holy fuck, its about spirals, like the fucking galaxy. That’s it!! The truth is spirals. Spirals!” I was overjoyed for about ten seconds until the next thought hit me. What the fuck do spirals have to do with anything? Again I spoke to no one. “Yea, that’s it, spirals. But that’s what? I still don’t get it, and I will never get what those stupid equations mean.” I stared up at the board and was startled when the no one I had been speaking to spoke back to me in a sort of scratchy and almost squeaky voice.. “You’re right, it is spirals. Even the equation is spiral, the golden spiral. I am quite impressed that your scientists and mathematicians have figured it out. Your people have learned much, and have lost me a lot of bets in my world. This logarithm, Pi, the DNA, all of the math up there is no accident, it’s my signature. Like a barcode or watermark you use to identify things, or a hologram The math problems are my hidden code that I myself scripted all over your universe. That ensures proof to all the other universe makers that this one here is mine and belongs to me. I call my universe ‘Omnia Etares”. The signature spirals appear everywhere. Galaxies are spiral, your DNA is a spiral, storms, shells, everything. That’s what happens when atoms collide, natural spirals form when the energy shoots out from both sides of the explosion in a whirlpool fashion forming a spiral. Imagine two cars colliding head on in slow motion. At the epicenter there would be a big explosion and parts from both cars would spray backwards. Pieces of the pieces travel to different distances depending on their weight or size, their mass. That’s how this universe and your sister universe started. I collided two atoms together and the resulting explosion was spread around and settle at different distances from the center. The beginning of two universes look like a surrealistic bowtie. The collision is the knot and identical universes fan out like the tie triangles Some of the larger pieces in each universe slam into each other forming planets, asteroids, comets, and even galaxies. It all travels in a spiral pattern even though its not perceptible to the eye. Why even this universe itself is spiral JT. I know common belief is it’s constantly expanding but that’s only part true, it is expanding as it spins inward and will in time settle until it slams into someone else’s universe. A better term for the vastness of space would be multiverse” I was so stunned to hear a voice I barely even processed what he had said let alone had the where withal to wonder how he knew my name. That is to say I thought I was stunned. When I actually turned to see who was talking to me I was galactically bewildered.

Not a tall muscular slender long-haired Herculean man as one might expect a creator or godlike truth teller to be but a rather diminutive and non athletic man with tightly curled short black hair. His nose was too big for his oblong face and he had what seemed a chronic case of chin stubble in a futile attempt at appearing cool. Not at all what I would expect as a creator, he seemed more like a tech geek at a Radio Shack or Best Buy. He was dressed the part of a scientist in a lab coat complete with black glasses, pencil behind the ear, and clipboard in hand.. He stared at me blankly as if he were completely done talking and I should just be assuring him I understood what he had said. But clearly I didn’t get it. “You? You’re God, you are the creator?” The tone of my voice was way too obvious in its incredulousness and cynicism. He did not look the least bit offended however and gave me an all too familiar condescending smile. “Not what you were expecting JT? Tell me what a creator looks like and I’ll see what I can do to make you feel more at ease.” I glared at him defiantly, “Well I certainly didn’t expect the creator to be so sarcastic, nor did I think it would be a nerd. What should I call you anyway, Mr. Adam collider, The Grand Creator of everything? That sounds awfully egocentric for a humble End all be all.” This time his smile was more genuine. “Now who’s being sarcastic? My name would be way to foreign to you to say so when you call me you can call me Al.” I couldn’t resist the Paul Simon reference and I replied with a chuckle, “like I can be your bodyguard and you can be my long lost friend?” He looked at me puzzled and with an air of confusion said, “No. Al, as in Albert Einstein. I am a physicist too but far beyond any human abilities. Einstein did come close however, so I just go by Al for you humans. I was the one who collided the atoms that formed the ‘Big Bang’ your people have been talking about.” I stared in total disbelief, “Wait Al, I need to sit down and sort this through.” My new friend, teacher, guru, and I assume Sherpa of my afterlife, this Al manifestation gave me a chair.

Al allowed me about ten minutes to gather my bearings. “ Maybe I should start at the beginning JT. What I am is similar to what you call a scientist but my form is from a very different universe. Call me a shift shaper if it’s easier but the truth is I’m more like pure energy with a conscience. In my universe the scientists create universes by colliding positive and negative atoms and try to find life on them. At some point they may even be able to create one here on your earth with one of those, what do you call them, particle accelerators, the Large Hadron Collider.” I was now starting to understand. “You mean like the one in Switzerland for CERN right? Some sort of underground tube ride for atoms that cost a few billion dollars and is supposed to make the scientific community all warm and fuzzy and shit. The Higgs Bosen God thingy. They are gonna recreate the …” It hit me. “Holy shit, the big fucking bang! They are going to create a new universe down there!“ Al rolled his eyes, looking more like a parent than a creator. “Put that way it seems less relevant, but yes that’s where it may happen. I hope they know what to do if they are successful. A universe expanding underground will get pretty messy. Anyway, they do a lot more than just that down there, they are gathering all kinds of information they believe will help them understand their universe.” My head was spinning and I was beginning to wonder if this was maybe some weird ass dream or something. A flash of questions hit me the first being about Al owning my universe. “Hold on there Al, your getting way ahead of me here. Lets go back a bit. Back to your signature thing. Are you telling me you created the universe and then invented pi, and those other math equations as a way of claiming this universe as your own? Sorry but that sounds ridiculous.”

This creator, this Al dude, had begun pacing by the blackboard rubbing his head while slightly tussling his poorly recreated hair. I assumed he was planning his answers. Once a scientist always a scientist I guess. Finally he spoke, “Okay JT, first I’ll tell you about my role in this and then we can get to the truth you search for so you can move on.” Even in the middle of this profound and hopefully enlightening philosophic discussion with either a spirit or alien the phrase move on was rather disconcerting. What the fuck did he mean by that? Perhaps I would be better off stalling him, but fuck that, then I’ll have to stay in this…..this classroom or lab or whatever. I shut up and let him continue. “So this is hard stuff to understand and I really don’t think its important to you but here goes. I am a universe scientist. Quantum physics is only scratching the surface vibrations if you pardon my pun. Everything is in constant motion but on a sub-sub-sub atomic level its imperceptible even to microscopes. Like tiny nose hair vibrations. You believe an atom is the smallest thing around, but its not. Reverse dark matter is. In our labs we create energy from this reverse dark matter, form them into tiny knots of energy similar to what you call atoms. It gives the energy mass, or substance. Inside this, let me call it a tiny ball of powerful energy, I placed my math equations to be constant throughout. Placed them in each of two atoms and had them spin at speeds that make light seem slow as a century. When those two balls of energy collided they created an explosion. It starts out very small, but like all explosions grew outwards. That’s your universe, or actually my universes, this one and your sister universe. Your sister universe has life to but not in any form you would recognize. It’s not like you sci-fy parallel universes with alternate realities. That is something else entirely and involves dimensions but we won’t get into that.” He looked at my blank face. “Too much JT?” I looked up at him with some degree of confidence, “No, not really. Well I was getting the whole universe thing but now you slam my brain with dimensions and alternate reality. What the fuck is that all about?” Al laughed out loud, but not a biting laugh, more like the laugh a parent might use when tackling difficult subjects. “That certainly is another discussion fopr another time my son, suffice to say you live in a dimension that has billions of other dimensions stacked up like a warehouse pallet. But let’s not go there yet, lets stick to universe creating. To one of the energy balls I added some carbon, to the other I added hydrogen which is the building foundation for life. So in essence, I created you and every living thing you have ever known. We can’t control life we only create it. All living things take its own direction. Every living thing in this universe is related, it began with one single cell. In this single cell organism was my signature math equations as well as instructions on duplicating. What your scientists have figured out to be DNA. A strand of information and instruction from me passed on to everything that reproduces, an owners manual if you will. Sometimes they just duplicate themselves out of extinction and other times, like on earth, two organisms collide and form a multi-cell organism, which creates the male and female structure. After that its all logarithmic growth creating more diversity at every split. You are a rather tiny and irrelevant part of it, but all universes experience forms of life and yours happens to be the one with a brain capable of reasoning so I explain to those I think can handle it how it is they got here. For whatever reason humans have an innate sense of wonder and a desire to understand that so strong its driven many of you mad. I believe it was when you left the water and began to form a brain some billions of your years ago. Over time that brain grew in size and became able to actually think and reason. So once I tell you your truth, you can go on and become part of the matter of the universe again. Who knows, maybe part of you will form a new star, or comet.”

Al looked in my eyes and I could tell he knew much of what he told me was above my pay grade. He shrugged his shoulders and said, “So that’s that. Now what about that truth do you want to know more about?” Once the confusion subsided a mild anger began to set in. I mean I’m dead so what have I got to lose? This unworthy looking god pretender claims to have created everything then call’s me insignificant! This shit can‘t be real. “No way, no fucking way am I buying all this bullshit. This is some kind of bad dream or nightmare or something and you’re not real. I ate something that is fucking up my system and giving me this piece of shit dream. All this shit about colliders and spirals, equations and explosions is all bullshit. I live in the information age and this is just bacon cheeseburger Google overload. It’s the price I pay for being in the world wide web, cruising down the information highway guzzling beer and chomping on cheeseburgers and fries and having the Encyclopedia Britannica at my fingertips. Once I fell asleep this weird ass nightmare began with that happy place upstairs. You must represent Hell in my nightmare.”

Exhausted from my tirade I sat down again. Al stared at me then shook his head. He seemed ever so slightly frustrated with me but kept a cool even demeanor. “ I assure you this is not a dream, there is no Hell, and I am real. Well real in the abstract anyway. My look and mannerism are manifestations you created in order to understand better. If you saw what I truly looked like it would as you say, blow your mind. Listen JT you were not living in the information age, the true information age began long ago and what you are in is more of an information overload age. Your concept of time isn’t completely accurate so I don’t expect you’ll understand that, but I will explain as much as I can for you. You are not even living at all anymore but that’s beside the point. Because I have grown fond of your species I try to at least at times to satisfy the driving force of questioning that exemplifies your species. You have an open mind and are capable of seeing beyond how the world was explained to you by people who know next to nothing about life. You think you have acquired so much information you can just will all you have learned in a dream? That my dear boy is what you call bullshit. You haven’t. Stay seated my boy because I am about to tell you things about dreams and information that will challenge almost everything you think you know. Your species reaching knowledge this far is somewhat of an anomaly and does not happen often. It was a series of bizarre and incredible coincidences that got your species to where it is and that’s why your kind fascinate me so much. Put on your safe body fastening strap because your in for an uneven terrain traveling destination.” I did remain seated, and began to worry. “Okay Al, I’m ready, bring on the bumpy ride.

TBC

 

 

 

The Cradle Of Civilization Gets Drunk

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Excerpt from “Cosmo and The Garden Earth” ……J.T. Hilltop

Previously : Cosmo had blown up his dinosaur world and started his garden anew with far more intelligent species, although I suppose more intelligent could be relative.

Cosmo’s new species was eating and sexing, grunting communications, and even began an emotional outburst called laughing. Some particularly enterprising individuals saw a need for the power of the many and began to organize tribes or villages. These developers were quite slick and every community had them. So treacherous were they in fact that they convinced all the others that they actually wanted thses developers to dictate village behavior. They organized the best hunters go out to hunt food for everyone, the best builders to stay build more structures, most notably the mansion sized structures for the developers to live in, and any others would learn to grow and prepare fruits and vegetables so they could have awesome parties. The organizers created a form of controlling the food they called inventory. The organizers had the builders make fences, so they could trap animals and keep them from roaming off. This will be an important discovery years later during the agricultural revolution but for right now we need to concentrate on what everyone, god and human alike craved outside the cave.

Of course like most things in the ascent of man it all came down to sex. Men were judged by the size and usage of their spears. And all the time that the hunters were hunting and the builders were building and the vegetable growers were growing these organizers were doing the wham bam thank you for gathering maam with all the women. The men would come home all horny from hunting or building, or farming, and try to engage in sex. But the women of course were exhausted from satisfying the organizers all day long and feigned pains in their heads. No bedside spearing tonight Arrowman, I have a headache. “I sure hope this practice of refusing sex doesn’t last long” thought Cosmo. But the society carried on, the men satisfied with a once a month romp in the rocks. Once a month? This gave Cosmo another of his bright idea’s. He decided to mess up the organizers plans of daily sex by giving the females a monthly curse. So once a month, no sex for the organizers, period!

Now some of the hunters began to get suspicious. They watched as the animals they hunted engaged in the deed constantly with nary a headache claim. They started to wonder why they should do all the work, and the organizers stayed back with the women, and kept what they brought back for the community. They noticed that the builders had begun creating large dwellings for the organizers, and they always seemed to get the best fruits and vegetables for themselves. Why come to think of it, those organizers are locking up the animal skins and the fruits and vegetables and all the meat and fish that was brought back. It was the organizers that decided who got what, and it depended on how happy they were at the time. Now this was bad enough, but they began to wonder what the organizers did all day. One of the hunters wandered back into town mid day and peeked in the windows of the organizers new structure and was shocked. He gathered all the other hunters and told them the unbelievable sight he had seen. Every single woman of age was having sex with the organizers. Some organizers had two or three women at the same time doing the oddest things to his man plug. There was an immediate upheaval of anger…Cosmo was alarmed yet at the same time quite amused. “Jealousy! Greed! Anger! Just like tall god had warned. “I hope this isn’t a bad omen.”

Oh if only I could have talked to Cosmo. It was of course a bad omen. A rather significantly bad omen. There was trouble in River City and pool wasn’t even invented yet. The organizers were using the others to make their own lives more comfortable and as if that wasn’t bad enough, they were hoarding food, clothing and worst of all sex! The men were becoming increasingly possessive of their women and began forbidding them to satisfy the fat organizers. It was at that point in evolution that women realized that they could use their bodies and abilities as bargaining tools. The promise of some sex got them things they wanted and helped them to control the men. Some women went as far as to offer unusual sexual acts to organizers in exchange for more meat, or some nice animal skin coats. Sex had become as much a commodity as food was. Maybe even more. But the sad part of it all was how it turned some cave women into possessions. The better and more frequent the sex, the more ownership the man would attempt to have. Some even made their wives have sex with others in exchange for goods. It was a mess. Men began fighting with other men who tried to have sex with their partners. Men became envious of the one with much possessions as they would always have the prettier and more active women. Jealousy turned to anger and eventually carried over cross tribe rivalries as they attempted to steal women from each others clans. The clans began warfare with each other over which clan would get the whole enchilada. They began to form borders and set up fences to keep other out, and their women in. The warring evolved into raiding in which clans would steal and ravage not only the women, but the amassed stockpiles of food. In one such raid one clan had been run clear out of it homes so the thieves could steal at will. Some yeast had been inadvertently left out on a counter and was knocked into a tub of juice. Believing the juice to be ruined the raiders left the juice, and only the juice behind. When the clan finally returned they had nothing left but said juice. The leader of the clan spoke. “ Julia they have taken everything except this gnarly juice on the counter and we are all thirsty. We have nothing left but ourselves, our kids, and some fermented juice. What are we to do?” Julia was of course the resourceful wife of Ernesto so she took a sip of the juice and smiled. “Holy shit Ernesto, this juice ain‘t half bad. Not to mention it makes me feel just kind of, I don’t know, happy. Maybe not happy but more like I know everything sucks but I don’t care.” Ernesto noticed a dull looking stare in her eyes and a weird smile. He took a long swig and wiped hi lips. “You’re right Julia this juice kicks ass. And I feel that buzz sensation too.” The kids were whining and complaining and Ernesto was on his everlasting last nerve. He drank some more of the juice and yelled at his children, “Stop all the whining kids, and have some of this.” The whole clan drank well into the evening with nary a whine With a little prompting from Cosmo a thought struck Julia like a thunderbolt from the not yet made up god Thor. She shared her divine plan with her mate. “Honey, what if we trade some of this juice for what we lost. We can call it Ernesto and Julias jug whine. We can get all sorts of crap for this delightful beverage.” An on this day, trade, commerce, and industry were born. People began buying and selling, and drinking and laughing and even in the face of defeat, many had smiles thanks to the magic beverage. The side effects however, were a different story entirely.

It seemed that some of the people were unable to hold their juice very well, and numerous fights broke out, and numerous bad decisions were made, and numerous clan relationships began to suffer. The Cradle of Civilization was getting down and dirty drunk on Ernesto and Julia’s jug whine. Some couldn’t get enough of the magic juice, some started making their own, and of course the organizers figured out ways to mass produce the juice using the others to do the work. Once they had made enough, they locked in the inventory room. Then they gathered all the grapes used to make the juice. Now they had all of the juice and no one had grapes top make more. They decided to raise the trader cost of the juice. The very first system of government emerged. Anarchy!

TBC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Original Thought And The Prophet

origin

Whaaaaat?? Another sequel? Sequels are never as good as the original. Is anything as good as the original? What Is original? Now there’s a thought. But is it an original thought? Some say there is no such thing as original thought because someone somewhere has more than likely had that same thought before. Come to think about it I think I heard that somewhere before. In a way I guess that’s true of course, Tommy Edison gets credit for the light bulb but others claim it was discovered either simultaneously or perhaps even slightly before by someone else. Either way that light bulb has not only spawned generations of ideas it has become the icon of an idea itself. But was it original?
Scientists (or is it romantics?) tell us no two snowflakes are exactly alike but I personally find that hard to believe. What possible kind of study could encompass every snowflake ever? Millions melt before ever being checked. Is there some kind of snowflake database or snowflake genetic information storage cloud? Some haven’t even been created yet so all things considered I’m confidant at least two of those snowflakes in that Alaskan snow drift must be clones. So I will attempt to put original thought into my warped and frivolous snowflake perspective by doing what any original artist would do. I’ll steal it. Or borrow it at least, so this perspective is brought to you in original conceptual form inspired (and ripped off) of a book by the Lebanese laureate Kahlil Gibran. The Prophet.

And then a musician came to him and said “speak to us of music, how is our music not original?” And he answered “Music invades our sensory organs through repetitive and sometimes annoying arrangements of sound. Because we have only 12 notes in every octave it is extremely difficult to create a melody that hasn’t yet been played either in ones mind or on an instrument. Combine that with the fact most of us have been listening to music since our first lullaby and have no doubt watched enough television to have jingles burned deeply into our psyches its impossible not to be influenced by tunes we have heard before when we create music. One could pick up a guitar to start playing something perhaps having just heard that “Nationwide is on your side” commercial and unconscientiously letting the tune drift into what one was translating from mind through the guitar strings. That’s not to say that you can’t make an original song, but it must have come to you from somewhere in your past listening.” It’s called inspiration. Perhaps artists should be wondering where they came up with an original before accusing others of stealing their originals. Music is meant to be shared

And then a poet came to him and said “speak to us of poetry, are not poets original?” And he answered, “Poetry is a way of painting words into feelings and emotions. Poets help us to see ourselves in their flowing word canvas. Poems range in style and can be crystal clear to some while totally indiscernible to others. It is meant to be felt and understood not analyzed. Poetry is an expression of the soul often written while at our most naked and vulnerable selves, when we express our innermost thoughts in words. In that respect it is original, but are not words merely combinations of letters? We have only 26 letters from which to choose our order yet somehow we manage to confuse the usage of English language. But their there they’re, everything will be fine. You poets are indeed original human beings with fragile ego’s so for the sake of argument, yes, poetry is indeed original. But remember it’s the receiver of the poetry message who perceives the originality not the scribe.” It’s all about inspiration.

A Politian came forward and said to him “Speak to us of politics. Are not political ideas original?” And after regaining his composure from sarcastic laughing the prophet answered, “Politics and political opinions are like unwashed armpits. If you stay at home with them you can handle the stench of your own opinion but if you venture out in public best to deodorize your opinions if you value friendships. Its impossible for one to have their own original political opinion because every controversy known to humanity has been discussed, re-discussed, and-over-discussed a million times without an answer. Whatever stance you choose to take has already been taken. In addition, millions and millions of dollars have been spent to tell you what your opinion on various political topics are either through subliminal ads or motivational scam artists disguised as news agents with television shows who’s sole purpose is to anger you into an opinion based strictly on your religion and/or political party of choice. That is not to say you can’t have an original non political opinion of your own but to do that you would need to research the subject through trustworthy methods of information, then sit alone with only your thoughts and think it through. Devoid of outside influences if you concentrate long enough it is indeed possible to arrive at an original conclusion, but it is extremely difficult with all the information super highways and abundance of social media outlet trolls prowling around in the hopes of forcing their own opinion upon you. Otherwise we simply verbally regurgitate someone else’s. spoken thoughts.” That would be inspiring. In my opinion of course.

Next a scientist came to the Prophet and asked, “Why is there religion when we have science? Is not The Origin Of The Species enough?” He replied both religion and science serve a purpose. Science it the study of the world around us and religion is the study of ourselves. Science helps us to understand how and why things work but it can’t explain everything. It is based on testing and re-testing data to prove hypothesis and conclusions. For instance the age of the earth and the dangers of climate change. Religion attempts to help teach us about who we are but science is like a pesky mosquito that becomes more and more difficult for religions to swat.”
“The main problem with religion is most times it’s not a choice, more of a birthright. Often ones religion is determined by their parents or by nature of where they are born and they become defined by their rituals and beliefs. Religion is philosophical, it is based on faith not by cause and effect experiments. One must have faith that the religion they are following has all the correct answers, and the leaders of that religion who give those answers are interpreting the holy texts correctly. One Bible or Torah or Koran can be interpreted in many different ways which give us a massive variety of religions. We have used religion to explain the unexplainable since the dawn of time, assigning gods to nearly everything in nature. So it is useful in explaining the unexplainable and in teaching people how to act correctly as it applies to living together on earth when done correctly. If your religion includes science and instructs you on how to interact with the world then you are indeed lucky, and may possibly have found a true religion. If on the other hand you have become enlightened and reached a state of living that excludes the need for a conglomerate of teachings and beliefs your are even more lucky, because you can appreciate others beliefs while not allowing them to infect yours.” So religion is helpful in adjusting your soul and science is helpful if adjusting your knowledge. You must strike your own balance, but do us all a favor. Don’t attempt to force either upon the rest of us, let us all find our own way.”
And then a child came to him and asked “Well then Prophet, if musicians, poets, scientists, and theologians all contend they deal in originality and may perhaps be wrong then what exactly is original thought and how do we achieve it?” And he answered “let us start with what’s not original thought. Original thought is not learned in a school or institution. Education is a great thing and though it may seem empowering it can’t give you original thought it can only prepare you for it . Many of the young hipsters of the day believe that being able to quote famous philosphers or scientists makes them appear smarter than others because they possess the power of original thought but it doesn’t. It only makes them seem arrogant and out of touch. Education only gives us the foundations to develop original thought. The very second we enter the world we are being shaped by those around us. So to begin with we need to discard all the distractions of life. In order to achieve original you must put down the books, turn off all your electronic devices, and reach deep inside the self and get in touch with your soul, for it is the soul that is the one true original. Get educated then be your own inspiration..PEACE

Cosmo’s Guide To Cosmic Gardening

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PART 1. NOT JUST DUST IN THE WIND

Where should I begin? In the beginning God created the heaven and earth? I think that opening line is taken but it begs the question why are we really here? Some say in the beginning there was a vast empty space, a nothing vacuum in a nowhere space until a bunch of atoms spontaneously appeared and took to flying around everywhere (or nowhere depending on your view) when suddenly two overly aggressive atoms collided causing a huge explosion. Spontaneous combustion. The Big Bang! Yea, right! First nothing and nowhere then all of a sudden a Universe so huge it has no end. Wait, hold on, even better, first there was nothing and then the one and only god created shit to keep him from being bored. Spent six days building it then chilled for a few million years. A massive universe with one teeny weenie little speck where he created the supreme lifeforce, human beings that looked just like him, to rule over everything. First nothing then one man, one women, an apple and a snake. Now that’s even funnier! As a matter of fact both of these comical stories are a source of great humor and hilarity and the butt of many jokes at The Board of Co-operative Gods and Goddesses out in District seven. At any decent cosmic cocktail party you’ll hear no less than a hundred jokes about various theories of how life came to be in any of the life gardens but the Earth stories are by far the most numerous. The “monkey trials” keep gods and goddesses laughing for hours on end at inter-galactic get togethers. There’s not a god worth his sodium chloride that hasn’t heard of Darwin, Moses, Jesus, Mohamed, Elijah. Or the Talmud, Koran, The Bible, even The Upanishads. Stories of a pure evil horned devil with blood dripping from its hands and fear bolts being shot from its eyes keep them rolling in the anti-matter with tears of laughter. Satan, Lucifer, Serpent of Evil, Beelzebub, so many knee slapping names for the antichrist. Oh yes, the earthlings grown by Cosmo are a source of great amusement to all the gods. All the gods? Am I saying there really are many gods? Does a pope defecate in the woods? Is a Polar Bear catholic? Can white bears jump? Of course there are many gods, and many galaxies supporting forms of life. Did you really think you were the only living beings in the entire universe? Jeez, and I thought Wookies were dumb. Well sit back you Vader naysayer and let me tell you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Well maybe a fabrication or two along the way because YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
In the beginning, Once upon a time, at the outset, none of these phrases apply because life is a circle with no beginning and no end. There just simply has always been many gods and goddesses with endless open space and these gods have varying responsibilities. Gods and goddesses are each given their own garden plots which you call galaxies. They tend their gardens and grow life in a variety of forms. The gods and goddesses perform many tasks such as making gardens spin, enforcing the law of gravity, some create laws of physics to apply differently in different particular purpose. Some create wind and motion to make global area’s different but the brightest gods and goddesses get selected to the Board. There they ponder deeply the laws of the universe and how they should be applied everywhere. These are the most intelligent gods and goddesses and they hold court to make the decisions that effect all forms of life. No cosmic gardener can grow anything without their approval. It’s known as The Board of Co-operative Gods and Goddesses. (BOCGG) They made the decisions that effected the farmer gods who were expected to grow and experiment with the various galaxies across the universe. Each galaxy was tended to by its own god. There was great and clever Simon in the Tolkien Galaxy, Mychrighton in the Andromeda Strain Galaxy, The red haired beauty Lucille who watched over the Bobaloo Galaxy, Luke-ass who presided over The infamous Jedi Galaxy that was far far away, and so on. Here in our Milky Way galaxy, the farmer was and is the god Cosmo. Such a good farmer is Cosmo that they named the entirety of space after him. The vast space of the universe came to be known as “The Cosmos”. Travel was known as Cosmic travel, knowledge as cosmic knowledge and any left out odds and ends in space became known as Cosmic debris. Hey there brother, I’m not jiving you bout that Cosmic debris! Cosmo is indeed an accomplished cosmic gardener, in fact he is somewhat of a legend among the other gods. In Solar system 728KJ he had cultivated nine grooving spinning garden orbs he called planets. From the tiny and excruciatingly hot mercury, to the equally tiny but totally frozen Neptune he tended to all nine magnificently. Like the giant Jupiter (which for some reason had red eye in all the family photo’s) with an assortment of moons, and the ill advised named Uranus (No need to tell you the jokes at The District with this one) . He put some cool looking bangle bracelets around the lovely and mysterious Saturn, and named two of the planets after his own Mom and Dad. The entire universe was touched at the naming of Venus and Mars. Yes Cosmo had really taken pride in that particular solar system. But his pride and joy and claim to fame is most assuredly for his work done on one particular planet, known throughout cosmos as garden earth. Garden earth is a rather insignificant looking planet in solar system 728KJ. It is the third planet from Sun 728, and has the benefit of the perfect amount of sunshine. Earth also has a considerable amount of water on it which is the other essential ingredient in growing things. Sun and Water in abundance makes for a smashing garden. Cosmo wants to make planet earth, in solar system 728KJ the most prolific and successful garden in all the universe. With a vast ocean to create clouds which would in turn drop water back into the garden a system of synergetic energy is created. Cosmic irrigation! Garden earth is a thriving ever-growing populace world. A wide variety of vegetation and many roaming creatures inhabit the garden.
But what you see on garden earth today is not how it was at the beginning so put on your seat belt as we travel back in time to see how this all came to be The Planet Earth. Catastrophic is the best way to describe his first attempt. Maybe he wasn’t mature enough or maybe like a fool he just rushed in but either way it’s a story that is told and retold as far away as Gabor40904 which is about eight billion gazillion gamma light years away. To you that would be a mere two point five septillion miles give or take. At any rate here is what happened in Cosmo’s first attempt.
When a god reaches a certain age he or she is given a Galactic Farming Starter Kit. In the starter kit comes a package of sea monkeys which gods could use to populate in any gathering of H2O. These sea monkeys would eventually grow into all sorts of different weird looking creatures. Some even had 8 legs! But, that’s way in the future as evolution thrives underwater. The problem was that no one could see the assortment of single cell creatures in the Pangaean Sea of garden earth. Cosmo wanted more on his special planet. He wanted some things that he could watch and toy with and keep as pets. So with the BOCGG approval Cosmo sent away for the “Advanced” farmer kit which comes with both aqua mobile seeds and terra mobile seeds.
Cosmo surveyed his round global garden noting the huge land mass which he had called Pangaea. It was enormous but completely unadorned and surrounded in entirely by water. Cosmos first brilliant concept was born. Edible vegetation. Not just pretty to look at like in other gardens, he wanted to develop some of his vegetation as energy giving edible substances. He developed gargantuan trees and shrubs which would absorb energy from the sun storing energy and converting some into oxygen. Now he could create some creatures and they would have food and be able to breath. Brilliance had come to Cosmo in a dream. He was being chased by a creature with a long neck and large mouth with sharp teeth. This would be his first creature. What should he name this creature? Jar Jar Brinks? No, that’s stupid. He thought out loud. “Lets see, the creature was chasing me and my buddy Steggo and when it got near it bit Steggo’s ass. Steggo yelled out damn man, now my ass is sore and.” He stopped in mid sentence. “That’s it! I’ll call him sore ass! No, not sore ass, Steggo’s sore ass. To avoid any divine libel law suits it was suggested he make it one word. It sounded smart and sophisticated as stegosaurus so he went with that. Now for some other creatures for stegosaurus to play with.
So Cosmo created an assortment of giant creatures. Long necks, smaller faster creatures, a few with wings, and one really scary one. He made up weird names for them like Stegosaurus, brontosaurus, Pterodactyl (He also invented the silent letter which would cause all sorts of shit in years to come), and his personal favorite, the frightening one, Tyrannosaurus Rex. For weeks the great god Cosmo played with his new dinosaurs. He started to get a little worried when he saw them chewing on the tops of all his beautiful vegetation, but realized that they needed to eat something. My creator almighty they have appetites bigger than their damn bodies. Seems the more they ate the more they expelled from there butts. Some of it a horrible almost violent smelling gas which was a bit of an embarrassment to Cosmo when other gods came to view his garden. But the solid stuff actually deteriorated and made the trees and shrubs grow even better. It seemed like a perfect system. Everything depended on everything else to survive. The sun gave everything energy and sucked up water to make clouds, the clouds returned water to cool things off in the garden and help grow the vegetation. The vegetation gave air and food for the creatures , and the creatures pooped out food to feed the vegetation. A cycle was created which Cosmo referred to as “The cycle of life.” A theme that would forever define his garden no matter what thrived in the garden beds.
One morning while sipping some of his favorite caffeinated breakfast beverage, Thors Thunderbolt, Cosmo noticed some strange things happening in his garden. His creatures appeared to be having sex repeatedly and Pangaea was becoming very crowded with baby creatures. And some bi-saurus creatures were looking stranger, larger, wider, and Cosmo sensed some major changes. Having sex also seemed to make the creatures very hungry and they were eating twice as much as usual. One particular bush or rather one particular weed actually seemed to give them voracious appetites. Not just for food, but for sex. Cosmo won’t swear to it but he believed it made his creatures laugh. At the very least they smiled more than normal. He wondered if it was co-incidence, or if the cannabis bush had some unusual qualities to it so he took a few homegrown plants to try himself. He decided he would let them dry out and smoke them after dinner. As he continued to survey Pangaea another curious practice was observed. The creatures seemed to be fighting each other over the sex, which was not really a colossal deal but it appeared that the winners where actually eating the losers. Believing it to be from the cannabis he referred to the practice as canibisalism. He opted not to try smoking the shit just yet afraid of what it may make him want to do. The eating of the other creatures also made the eaters even bigger and stronger. He would need to keep an eye on these developments.
As time passed more and more creatures were killing each other and eating the remains. And damn were they multiplying. They engaged in sex virtually everyday and babies were everywhere. Every day there seemed to be more and more, and nearly all the vegetation had been eaten. Not only that but they began biting kicking and scratching each other for no apparent reason. Many fights seemed to be over who had more dangling under their tail or who was going to screw the better looking female dinosaurs. Many times these fights caused some to fall down never to get back up. Cosmo was not happy with the with these developments at all. His garden of creatures was turning into a giant fighting fiasco. His giant behemoth experiments were much to big and clumsy. He decided he needed to start over and this time start with much more compact set of creatures. First though he needed to extinguish and cover up the debacle of the dinosaur.
His first thought was to go subterranean. He began to churn up the ground at different points of the land mass Pangaea. The shifting of dirt created numerous effects. The mass of land split in various places and Pangaea began to break up into smaller lands. A few dinosaurs fell off the edges, but for the most part they rode the land mass that they happened to reside on and just sort of relocated. Two chunks of dirt headed out quickly, one due north and one due south. Each went as far as it could go until it turned into a giant massive iceball. Every dinosaur on these arctic edges froze along with it. The other land masses fared much better. Cosmo needed names now for the different masses. On the east he had North Columbia and South Columbia. Way across the newly formed ocean there was a dark mass he called Afrika, and a huge piece he called Eurasia. A smaller mass slipped down under while a very green land went slightly north. He would name them later. As for the dinosaurs they had begun to change and were ironically defined by their land masses. The creatures in North Columbia grew more aggressive body parts, like large razor sharp teeth, pointed spiny tails, and large muscular arms. Cosmo believed they actually thought themselves superior and tried to make all the others live the way they did. Pretentiousaurus! The dinosaurs in Africa were very wild and it took on a predatory nature of survival of the mightiest. In Eurasisa half fancied themselves the more sophisticated and chic while the other half absolutely excelled in math. They had all begun to mutate body parts that were used as weapons or as protective amour. Spiny heads and necks, horns, shells, claws, Talons, scales and many other features that assisted warfare or survival. They continued cross breeding and a host of new genus’s were born. Now we had some walking on two legs, some on four, some eating only vegetation, some only other dinosaurs, and many eating both. The flying dinosaurs alone mutated into over 500 species. The fights became rampant and more frequent and quite frankly it was pissing Cosmo off a bit. The shifting of the land also had an effect on the once enormous Pangaean sea which was all the water surrounding Pangaea. The other lands had created borders which split the Pangaean sea into vast oceans. New weather patterns and water currents came into play, and many of the places he churned up dirt had formed piles, ranging from tiny molehills to humongous mountains that reached up towards the sky. At first Cosmo tried to make all the dirt piles as majestic as the giant ones but he quickly learned he couldn’t make a mountain out of a molehill.
As time went on things just got worse and worse. The changes in the garden plots were great, but the dinosaurs were out of control. In each land mass they were carrying on and destroying the vegetation, trampling everything in their paths, kicking the everlasting dinosaur shit out of each other. If that wasn’t bad enough the fornicating was maddening. No matter where you looked in the garden you could find many dinosaurs letting it all hang out ready for reproduction. Giant penispods galore. Humping and swamp hopping there was sex going on everywhere. Puddles of sperm gathered that drowned the lower vegetation and while they were knocking horns and creating future fossils it tore up the ground and caused many a fight to the death. Genus were being wiped out, it was a constant state of confusion. The trees they had eaten clear down to the roots. They simply had no respect at all for Cosmo, his garden, or each other and that was the final sipping stick! It was time for a raptor rapture!
The angry Cosmo had had it. He reached up into space and grabbed the biggest asteroid he could hold and hurled it towards earth with all his might. Had it not been an act of destruction one might have thought it a beautiful sight. Upon impact a huge explosion of colors, bright reds and yellows danced tangos across the planet. A blinding flash of white so brilliant it could be seen as far away as the Tolkien Galaxy. Flames that reached so high they tickled the moon and made it giggle and squirm. Sheer magnifigance. Why it was a fireworks display fit for the gods. But mere seconds after the glowing kaleidoscope lit up the skies, as if to remind everyone that its beauty was marred by violence, it was quickly replaced with an ear pounding roar. Burst of concussion inducing reverberation accompanied on this evening with mushroom plume of billowing smoke dressed in charcoal black from head to toe. A snap. A crackle. A pop. Within seconds garden earth became Earth Krispies. The explosion kicked up an awful cloud of dust with it that pulled the rug of sparkle pomp and circumstance right from under its cosmic ass. For the longest time Cosmo could see nothing but an enormous floating dust bunny. Virtually everything was obscured and he had no clue as to the fate of his living garden below. One thing for sure, if any of the suns rays got through at all it was undetectable. How could anything live without food, without light, without sunshine? Cosmo was absolutely certain he had lost everything. He underestimated the ultra tiny earth dwelling insect known as the cockroach. Will anything kill those bastards?
As time went by the dust began to settle it was becoming apparent not much if anything would survive. Even with only a portion of the dust gone he could see there was not much sign of life. The vegetation tried valiantly to reach back up towards the sun but with limited success. The garden seemed still and void. Even Cosmo couldn’t detect the tiny crawling cockroach foraging at the base of the vegetation. But trust me when I tell you, those cucaracha’s marched on. The once magnificent dinosaurs however were not able to crawl between any cracks and did not fare well. A massive open graveyard was all the gardening god could see. Humongous piles of giant carcasses littered the ground and whatever ground that could be seen was scorched to a grayish black. Nary a leaf or a pine cone to be found. Not even a blade of grass on this once animated garden of green and blue. Stacks of bodies and body parts could be seen everywhere with billows of smoke reaching out to the Milky Way cluster. There was a stench quite unfamiliar to Cosmo, charred flesh smelled nothing at all similar to a god BBQ. To call the aroma unpleasant would be an understatement. The forces of fetid decay banded together with burning flesh and gunpowder. The acrid odors began an all out assault that would serve as a rank reminder of the magnitude of failure here. Battalions of rotted mounds of foul fecal sewage mixed with dino debris formed an aerial assault. The army of stench marched up Cosmo’s nose and set up a camp of odiferous angry troops behind his eyes. Some salted droplets of sorrow snuck down Cosmo’s cheek which he blamed on the carousel of stink spinning in his sinuses. Make no mistake though that was no dew drop, that was a teardrop
Denial is not yet just a river in Egypt. A deep sadness overtook the creator of the dinosaur. Still smoldering and becoming increasingly covered in dust Cosmo reflected on his once thriving lizard kingdom. Had they not been so enormous he mused, perhaps things would have been different. He wanted to have a way to remember the jumbo Jurassic relics . After some time many of the hearty vegetation had once again begun to sprout, rising up from the ashes. It seemed as though everything reminded him of his creatures. “I shall name this period of existence the cretaceous period in honor of my creatures. In order that no one, especially me, ever forget their magnifigance I shall create a living memorial. With that Cosmo placed very colorful vegetation he called flowers everywhere. At first the flowers were impractical, the only benefit being the ambiance and je ne sais quoi of their beauty and fresh interesting aroma’s. The wonderful aroma’s to cover the stench of scorched earth were amusing. He had no idea what an impact they would have later on. Flowers would become symbolic of love and beauty and figure into a strange talk between fathers and sons some day. People would fashion perfumes and air fresheners form their enticing smells and men would find them a beneficial tool in making up for mistakes. Flowers would proudly display their floral genitalia and bees would find them irresistible. Flowers would come to represent anticipation of sex for both honey bee and honey dear alike. Forever linked with love because that was why Cosmo created them, to remind him of his love for the once utopian behemoths. Beautiful flowers of white pink peach, purple, red, yellow, blue, violet, green and orange. Fantastically designed shapes of bells, funnels, trumpets, tubes, saucers, bowls and labia. Brilliantly displayed all over the land masses along with new and tastier vegetation. It was a sight to behold. An arboretum of the grandest scale any had ever seen. This colorful garden alone would have stopped a charging raptor in its path to gawk at the beauty and inhale deeply the scent of passion on this marvel of an orb. An ambush makeover on the grandest of scales.
Now a new task was at hand. “I will take my new plan to the BOCGG and see if they will approve and allow me to once again have mobile life in the garden. It was time to face the rhythms melodies and harmonies expressed through instruments. Cosmo knew it was no use trying to pull the woolly mammoth over the boards eyes. Best thing to do was fess up and submit his urban renewal plan. However, when Cosmo went to request some new life seeds, the board of co-operative god and goddesses were waiting for him. They did not seem pleased.
The Board of Cooperative Gods and Goddesses convened in an area of the universe known as District Seven, or just “The District” as gods called it. The District was like the universes capitol. A retreat for any of the gods who wanted some R and R from controlling everything. Restaurants and a few pubs, recreation areas where they could swim in warm liquid methane or play a few rounds of Gomf (Gods Only Mortals Forbidden). They could visit the Library of Everything, catch up on current events in any galaxy, or just relax. It was also where the BOCGG held court to make decisions that effected the entirety of everything. Unfortunately for Cosmo that was precisely why he was here in The District on this day. To go before the Board and issue a plea for forgiveness and the go ahead to start over.
The tallest of the gods spoke first. “Cosmo, you have made a gargantuan mistake in trashing your garden. You broke a law when you interfered. If you check page 7 of the BOCGG codebook it clearly states than no god may interfere with the natural progress of any form of life anywhere. You have deliberately destroyed the entire garden. What have you to say of yourself?” Cosmo knew it was senseless to lie to the gods because they can tell instantly. “Yes its true, I destroyed the giant dinosaurs I was growing but in my defense they where way too massive and ate tons of vegetation each day. And they were destroying each other and all the beauty around them. They would have destroyed the garden in no time. I felt it best to begin over with a much more efficient and intelligent design. If you gaze now upon the garden you will see it is perhaps the most colorful in the universe. I have grown many shapes and colors on earth and it is more magnificent then ever before. It even smells nice.“ Cosmo presented at bouquet of beautifully arranged flowers from Earth to each of the Goddesses. Instantly he had won the lady lords over and he knew it. “All I need to complete this garden is some new life seeds so I may create new creatures, much smaller in stature and less capable of destruction. I have learned much from my mistake. From the ashes of my galactic faux pas I have come up with a cutting edge form of existence I call the cycle of life. Given the chance it could become a prototype used all over the universe. I would be overjoyed to have the opportunity to institute it on Earth and make a garden more worthy of The Board. I deeply regret having caused such destruction. I promise will not ever mingle in the affairs of what grows within the confines of my garden ever again.” Tall God gave Cosmo fifty lashes with the high beams from his angry eye sockets. “Indeed Cosmo, we all witnessed disaster even from as far away as we are.“ Time to lay on some god charm so with kindergarten eyes and trademark flirtatious grin he said, “Well did you at least enjoy the light show?” He handed him a picture of the new colorful planet and an earth cigar. Tall God visibly softened his stare and playfully rolled his eyes. Cosmo was one of the most handsome and charming of all the gods and was well liked in every corner of the universe. He quickly submitted his new and improved garden blueprint which was in fact quite impressive. This seemed to satisfy the gods who were all nodding their heads in agreement. The Lengthy Lord spoke again. “The Board is impressed and looks in anticipation of this cycle of life. So it shall be Cosmo, you will go back to Solar System 728KJ and replant, but may I suggest you use your new life seeds more wisely. There be no need to rush things.” He shook his lean angular noggin and threw up his overstretched arms. “Why is it you young gods are all so fucking impatient these days?” Cosmo agreed that he would indeed secure a well thought out plan this time and thanked each god individually. No slouch at schmoozing was Cosmo.
A smart schmooze as well. He called his good friend Kirk T Spock from the galaxy Vulcan and invited him over to discus some ideas and smoke some of that tickle weed from his garden. He had finally got up the nerve to try it and was blown away at the results. He rolled many of the new cannabis silly sticks and gave them to his friends. Now it was a favorite all over and grown in nearly every galaxy. Kirk has a rather successful galaxy himself. His most impressive garden has much more of a modern look focusing more on technology than things like vegetation and floral arrangements. Teleportation and lasers were more important there. Eating food was not an event as it would be on earth but a pill in the morning gives every creature the optimal energy needed, so eating was essentially unnecessary. For the most part all galaxies were like that absent of Cosmo’s brilliant cycle of life. In comparison to his garden most of the universe is cold and uninviting. But Como enjoyed Kirk’s array of interesting life forms. Unlike Cosmo he had already asked for and received intelligence seeds. One day he would request them as well, but first things first. He poured them each a long mug of Amber Idol, the favorite carbonated malt beverage of the gods and lit a doob. As they drank and puffed they read the guidelines set forth by the boards codebook. “Okay, rule one is something about allowing for some hurdles. On Vulcan I call them will call them clusterfucks, but you need to come up with your own term.” Cosmo loved the term clusterfuck but Kirk was right. “Yea, too bad. I dig your name but I don’t want to diss your ass. Hey that sounds kinda funny. Diss your ass. Disaster ass. No, disaster. That’s it, Natural Disasters.” And so Cosmo first set about to make some severe weather currents. He created hurricanes for the Atlantic and Typhoons for the pacific. “And how about this, I’ll make these storms cause flood producing waves that can change the tides?” Even Kirk was getting excited now, after all, who doesn’t love inventing tragedies? “ Ha, that will create a shit storm. Theres a good name too, storm. Oh yea, that’s good Cosmo, call the waves tidal waves and the disruptions storms.” They felt a slight wind crop up from his newly formed weather pattern. “Holy shit! What a great idea. I will make some winds super strong. Strong enough to take things as heavy as the mighty dinosaurs I grew and fling them around for miles. I’ll call them tornadoes and I will put them mostly in the middle of this huge land mass in the Northwest.” Kirk couldn’t help but get a playful jab in at his friend. “Mighty dinosaurs? More like huge humping humdingers. You think you could come up with a wind stronger than those putrid explosions they expelled from themselves?” Cosmo took a joke well and shrugged it off. “Ha ha, humping humdingers my ass, more like formidable flatulent fornicators.” They took a few minutes to laugh uncontrollably not because that was funny, but more than likely because the doob was such good quality. Kirk got his laugh muscles under control and continued. “I bet they’ll come up with a catchy name for that area like tornado road or tornado cul de sac or something. This is great fun!” Cosmo was very excited now. He decided he would make some droughts and some overflowing rains to add to the storms to create challenges and confusion on earth. But that wasn’t enough, he needed something else. He chugged down some carbonated nectar of the gods and began thinking while the beverage began to bloat his stomach and dizzy up his head ever so slightly. After a half hour the inspiration opened its hand and slapped Cosmo upside the head. Cosmo let out a huge belch that shook the whole garden. “Oh man, that’s perfect. “I will add something uncontrollable that comes from inside the gardens own stomach. Like a burning hot burp” Kirk laughed half from the weed and half from his amazement. “A burp. How do you come up with these ideas?” Another long chuckle. “I get my inspiration from you my logical friend. Up out of a mound of dirt will come some really hot melted rock. I will name the disaster after you Kirk. Kirkeruption.” Kirk was touched but very modest. “Don’t use my name use my galaxy name. Call it a Vulcano!” Cosmo understood his reluctance to have his name immortalized. That was the type of god Kirk was. “Let’s compromise and call it a volcano. I will force rock up like a belch so fucking hot it will flow like burning water until it cools. I will make volcanoes and sprinkle them around everywhere. Maybe even some underwater. Oh yea, these will create massive headaches.” Cosmo could not help but laugh out loud. “This will be the greatest garden ever.” Kirk T. Spock recited all their concepts out loud then shook his head and repeated twice in a slow speech, “Fascinating.”
The two high empirical horticulturists chugged down the last of their beers, finished the jolly joint and sat back. Cosmo was quite satisfied with himself. But had they thought of everything? “Lets see, I have major storms, the cold ones creating avalanches, the warm ones floods, landslides, and huge waves. I have volcanoes that will erupt spitting boiling shit on everything. What else? Hmmm, maybe I should create something that causes destruction that can’t be seen coming. Some kind of organism that can destroy from a micro sneak attack.” Kirk was quite impressed. “Wow, an unseen micro-organism that is so miniscule they won‘t even have a clue whats attacking them. Brilliant!” Cosmo continued enthusiastically. “The sun will shoot out flares and make droughts, the storms will make floods and chaos, the volcanoes will ruin everything near it, and the microorganisms will attack things unseen. I will create fire, but I won’t introduce that quite yet. Not until I have something around that can exploit it. I think I have everything covered.” Cosmo laughed so hard that he shook. Kirk was preparing to leave when one last thought hit him. “Hey wait a minute! Why don’t you make something that will make everything shake uncontrollably. It will knock shit over, cause things to tumble down, and any life form you have will quake in its boots.” Cosmo never ceased to find amazement in his friends concepts. “Absolutely! That’s the final piece, Earthquakes! Without warning I will cause tremendous shifts underneath the ground. Not a single creature will know who is at fault.” Kirk pulled a transponder from his pocket. “I think your off to a great start Coz. Thanks for the nectar and the weed. Sweet Mary Jane that was some good shit. At any rate good friend it’s time for me to leave. Let me know when you have your creatures. Can‘t wait to see this cycle of life.” He lifted his transponder and hit some buttons. “Co-ordinates set. Beam me up Scottie.” In a flash trillions of tiny pixels of colored dots spun in frantic circles and poof, Kirk was gone. Happy with the events of the day Cosmo took a well deserved nap.
Feeling refreshed after his nap it was time to do some more creating. Cosmo took his new life seeds and began. “Now what shall I grow? “I will create a variety of species. Like a couple of million. I’ll have bacteria, fungi, crustaceans, insects, birds, reptiles (tiny versions of his beloved dinosaurs), birds, fish, and mammals. I will let all these species evolve. Yea, that’s fucking it. Evolution. I will let things change and adjust to their environments. Maybe even evolve into new species. I will give one or two species the ability to reason. To be able to think like I do.” He gave this some consideration. “Well maybe not think like I do, but to be able to reason. They will be able to use and make tools to make their lives easier. But I don’t want to get to far ahead of myself here. I’ll let that happen in a few million years. Oh but wait, what’s a year going to be for them?” Cosmo remembered a trick his friend Simon used in his garden in The Tolkien Galaxy. Each planet had its own system of time. A full trip around the sun will be a year. Each spin of the planet will be a day. So for Cosmo every million years on earth will equal one god year. That settles the timing issue. This is when the fun began for Cosmo. He used his imagination to come up with a large variety of creatures and would make them all dependant on each other. He made some that ate only vegetation, some that ate only other living moving things, and some that ate both. That part at least worked well for the dinosaur era. The cycle of life. When something dies it will rot and become food for the vegetation. Everything depending on other things. Bugs that eat dead leaves and convert it to useful fertilizer. Birds that eat the bugs, animals that eat the birds, and bigger animals that eat those animals. I will allow everything to thrive as it struggles to survive. Just let nature take its course so to speak. Then he can watch how they deal with and evolve from the disasters. The plan was set and the new garden, the new world had begun.
For a few years, oh I’m sorry, for millions of years things went along great. A variety of life forms walked feely in the garden and found ways to survive and multiply. To avoid the whole fornication fiasco he came up with a variety of different ways to reproduce. Some eggs were fertilized inside bodies and some outside with many different strategies. Some had only one offspring at a time, some many, and some even thousands, or millions at time. There were many that even reproduced completely on their own without assistance from another member of the species. For the most part however it was a contribution from a male and a female of any particular species. This gave the happy creator a wide spectrum of creatures he could make. Bacteria living in an unseen world, insects so tiny that millions could thrive in small areas, and then his array of animals. That was the glory, Cosmo’s animal kingdoms. He started in North and South Columbia. He created an assortment of smaller animals, some sneaky and underhanded like rats and weasels, he created mice and chipmunks, minks, ferrets, gophers, and his sexually proficient rabbits. He gave them unusual but deadly defense systems like the quills of the porcupine or the stench of the skunk. One creation was always stealing shit so he gave the raccoons bandito eye masks. Mid size creatures also coexisted there with wolves and coyotes, and the hot looking foxes. Slightly larger were his deer, cattle, moose, and elk. Cosmo loved having ferocious animals around so he had some fearsome groups of bears to strike fear in the hearts of everything. Next he duplicated these animals in Euroasia, but he added a whole slew of more interesting animals. With a larger land mass he could afford larger animals. He created horses, camels, donkeys. As a nod to his beloved dinosaurs he created a sleeker and more refined version of his woolly mammoth, the elephant. Also some variations on his mountain lions he made tigers and Bengals and leopards. Why even a twist on his grizzly pals across the ocean he made a strain of Panda bears. Next his attention went to Africa where he would have his real masterpieces. Ferocious predatory animals was the rule here. Giant Lions and Tigers, super fast cheetahs. The Fierce large mouthed crocodiles, charging rhinoceros, the hungry hungry hippos. A absolute menagerie of animals One species of animal was vegetatarian but too short to get at the tops of the trees where the healthy vegetation grew so he stretched the neck and he had a giraffe. He filled the skies with an uncountable amount of birds of all shapes and sizes, then put wings on some mice and called them bats. But the most important of all the animals he created were the primates. Gorilla, orangutan, lemur, Loris capuchin, Ape, monkey, and chimpanzee. At first he had them living in the trees, swinging around on vines and gathering fruits from the branches. Then a funny thing happened. They climbed sown from the trees and began walking, stumbling really, on two legs. Cosmo knew in an instant that if any creature would deserve intelligence seeds it would be them. He watched them with much anticipation.
Yes he had grown a fine garden. He used wit and wisdom and had created a self sufficient world. He thought it would be funny to throw a few curve balls and make some strange animals. He noticed there were no animals on his land down under and immediately came up with some great idea’s. Kangaroo’s that will hop and box, a confused animal. Legs like a lizard, body like an otter, and face like a duck. Put it all together and it’s a duck billed platypus. Marvelous little creature. But he wasn’t done. Wallabies, Nubat, Wombat, and Koala. A kookaburra bird and some flightless birds with the tiniest brains possible. He also thought it would be funny to see how something does without any arms or legs at all. Yuck. Worms and slugs and snakes for all the land masses. He took another flightless bird and dressed it up in a tuxedo. Penguins thrived all over but did especially well in the very cold regions. What an infinite variety of animals. His one last brilliant move was to enlarge the skulls of many of his primates, so that one day he could grow larger brains in them.
He had also filled the oceans with an array of new creatures to evolve along with the single cell sea monkeys he started with so very long ago. From tiny little cuddly fish to gigantic orcas. He even snuck a few dinosaur size creatures deep in the oceans. Blue whales, giant squids. Cosmo allowed the creatures to rule their own world under the sea. He created underwater vegetation and planktons and clams, oysters ,mussels. Everything as brilliantly colored and co dependant as the world above the waves. But just to make it more interesting Cosmo added some sharks, some poisonous jellyfish and a few other predatory fish and sea creatures. He made eight armed octopi, horseshoe crabs, and starfish. In another display of his incredible humor and insight he created sea horses and made them the only thing in the garden that gives birth via the males. This gender bender of a mix up will keep them guessing for years to come.
Now his world was set and all he could was wait and watch. He had created a near perfect world and added some special fertilizer which would quicken the pace of evolution. New species were cropping up every day for Cosmo. He was tending to his garden, keeping it watered and full of sunshine and just watched. One day he noticed that the big hairy apes of his walked steadier and more efficiently on two appendages. Cosmo decided it was time this species received actual intelligence. Why they had already made a choice using some basic logic. They were finding food scarce and climbed out of the trees and walked in search of more food. These primates show great promise so Cosmo decided to go back to the Board of Co-Operative Gods and Goddesses to plead his case for intelligence.
When Cosmo finally got back to the Board he could sense that they were feeling exceptionally agreeable but he was still a bit wary from his previous visit. He presented his plan to add intelligence to some of the primates in his garden. Of course it was tall god who spoke up first. “Ah yes Cosmo, intelligence. Why is it that all you gods eventually want to give your gardens an intelligent species? It seems to me that you wouldn’t want them trying to understand what you understand, yet you all want it sometime. You do recall the fiasco in Solar System 928MJ in the Chimera galaxy, yes Cosmo?” Cosmo did indeed remember what had happened when the god Botchiegalloup added intelligence to one of his creations. He had this odd looking species of a five legged giant oval animal with three mouths and ten arms. Once it developed intelligence its only focus was finding the god Botchiegalloup and destroying it. Oh my supreme being that was a battle royale. Why Botchi had to call in gods from all the nearest galaxies and they were losing ground every day. The board had to come up solution so they looked to the wisest of farming superstars the lovely goddess Lucille. Luscious Lucy was a goddess to remember. So incredibly funny with a mind that wouldn’t quit. She could make you laugh one second then gap with wonder at her knowledge the next. The Bobaloo Galaxy was a model galaxy filled with laughter, music and merriment. Its design however was anything but comical. An absolute genius Lucy had come up with advances in gardening that nearly every aspiring farmer subscribed to. She came up with a new phenomenon called a black hole At it’s core the black hole has so much gravity in the fucking thing that it sucked in planets for millions of miles around. Nothing could escape its gravitational gullet. Not even light could get out once the hole got it in its grasp. Once put in place the Crimea galaxy became nothing but a black hole. Botchiegalloup has never farmed since. “Of course I remember the debacle of the black hole, but there have been successful intelligence programs as well. What of Simons galaxy ? The Tolkien Galaxy has lots of successes like the Hobbits, The Efts, The Elves and such. Why I have seen a few flying objects I could not identify on earth and I am sure they were from another galaxy. It can be done, it just needs to be tended to cautiously.” The tall god knew of more than one successful thinking gardens but he didn’t want to make it seem to easy for Cosmo. “Well I tell you what Cosmo. We will bring it up tomorrow with the board over a few pitchers of Meade during happy hour. I will propose your request of intelligence officially and we’ll see what the board has to say. As for The Tolkien Galaxy, do not forget how it almost got destroyed by the Orcs. And keep in mind the dinosaur debacle you had, many still laugh about that one. Anyway, leave me your resume and list of accomplishments. That will help your case.” Cosmo thanked tall god profusely and did as he was advised. The following day he waited outside the god bar hoping to have his answer. He heard much laughing. That mushroom juice he added to the Meade must have done its job.
After an excruciatingly long hour Tall god came out to meet him with a shit eating grin on his face. “I don’t know what you put in the Meade Cosmo but if its something that grows in your garden it’s a fucking winner. The board has approved your request for using intelligence, but want me to stress that you use it wisely and sparingly. I will bring you intelligence seeds tomorrow. Now go out and have some fun before heading back to your Galaxy tomorrow. We have a new shipment of god toys that act very strange indeed after only one large cup of Meade. I will see you on the morrow” Cosmo was overjoyed and shook tall gods hand. “Thank you so much, I promise you won’t regret this.” The smile walked away from tall gods face. “I am sure that I won’t regret it Cosmo, I just hope you won’t. Anyway, you can thank us by shipping us some more of whatever you spiked the Meade with. Now get your god ass out of here before they change their minds.” The smile came running back and jumped on tall gods face just in time for him to go back to happy hour.
Cosmo left a very happy god. Now he could go hang out at The Hershey Bar, get plastered and enjoy some of the new god toys that Tall god spoke of. Cosmo walked up to the bar, ordered a large Meade and sat down. From the corner of his god eye he spied his old friend Simon, whom he had just spoken of to Tall god. Cosmo called out, “Simon old friend, your god ears must have been ringing with joy. Why I was just bragging to Tall god how well your Tolkien Galaxy has turned out.” When Simon stood up he towered over just about everyone. A tad shorter than Tall god, yet enormously wide. His torso was so big and round that many joked he must have swallowed one of his planets whole. Though none brave enough to say it to his face as he was as foreboding as he was large. His massive thighs stood like oak trees holding up a huge muscular frame. A god who loved to fight and had a reputation for putting out the lights of many a challenger. But as frightening and ornery as he was, if you had the opportunity as Cosmo had to really get to know him, he was the best friend you could ever hope for. When he met Cosmo’s gaze Simons huge orange eyes lit up and a giant smile took over his entire face. Simon was also an endlessly jovial god. When I say his smile took over his face I mean it quite literally. His mandibles had developed the ability to dislodge and become unusually huge. It was most likely a mutation made to help accommodate his voracious appetite and deep bellowing belly laugh which he invited into the room for all to hear. “Oh my supreme being if it isn’t Cosmosaurus himself.” Simon immediately filled the airwaves with his infamous laugh. He could say things about you that might normally erupt in a war if anyone else said it. But Simon did it lovingly with a decibel challenging laugh. All one could do was smile and enjoy some of the excess mirth his body exuded. Cosmo smiled a big smile as well and the two hugged. When Cosmo looked at Simons smile, a thought hit him. Maybe I could use that for my snakes and let them eat other things whole. How fucking cool would that be? Cosmo’ss thought went on vacation as his body was near crushed under the weight of Simon’s constricting bear hug. “Well supreme being damn it Sime, how the fuck have you been? Haven’t seen you since your hashish experiments. It was so impressive and cool that I planted some in my garden.” Simon was blushing now and he placed his hands on his thick curly long locks of sandy colored hair and threw them into the air. “Ah yes, the laughing root labs. Still going strong all over Tolkien.” He looked to the bartender. “Dean, give my old friend here a large Meade Plus on me.” He then turned to Cosmo. “Pound down that lame drink there and try this new one. Laced with some shit called Opium. I got it from the Ming Dynasty Galaxy. This shit kicks some serious god ass. Speaking of god ass Cosmo, what say we indulge in the new toys that arrived last week.” Of course Cosmo was game for anything, so he guzzled his plain Meade and took a sip of his Meade Plus. “Wow Simon, this shit tastes great.” Simon let a quick chuckle sneak out which actually shook the bar. “And less filling ha ha. Just wait until the Ming shit kicks in. You will feel it everywhere if you catch my drift.” Cosmo did indeed catch his drift. The stories of Simons escapades with the lady gods were legend. “Hey Simon, I am getting some intelligence enhancer for earth tomorrow. How did you get yours to work so well?” Simon took a large gulp of his Meade Plus, and wiped his huge disjointed grin with the back of his oversized paw of a hand. “Oh shit Cosmo, you are gonna love this shit, but it takes a little work. The first species I gave it to was the repojacks. I just used a dab to experiment with and they learned language almost immediately. But I made the mistake of trying to guide them telling them what they should do. One day the leader of the repojacks comes up to me and starts to bitch up a weather pattern. He says to me, ‘We can’t seem to do nothing right for you. Simon says do this, Simon says do this we do this, Simon says do that, Simon says do that we do that, but the one time we do that without Simon saying you make us start all over again. It’s like a fucking kid game or something. Then they tells me we have decided to quit your Simon sez do this game and play our own game of tag and you are not it. We are it and you can’t do nothing about it. Well I was having none of that shit so I made everyone Midas tagged turn to gold ice.” Out came the famous belly laugh as Simon was obviously quite amused with himself. In between choking laughs Simon explained how the “Mother Fuckers” inadvertently discovered freeze tag. After about six and a half minutes of uncontrollable laughing the two old friends took deep breaths and deep sips of Meade Plus. “My point being Cosmo, as tempting as it is I think it is better to not have our creations worship us. It only leads to revolts. I almost got caught by the board on that one. But, it IS your garden, so you must choose how you grow it. Make sure you give it to an appropriate species and keep both your eyes on them at all times. Just have fun and by all means do not rush things.” This being the second time today he heard this, Cosmo made a note to himself to heed the advice. He listened but he had already made most of his plans. Right now it is time to enjoy this evening.
The Meade Plus was doing its job well. Cosmo was feeling as happy as if he had had some mushroom juice. He felt the happy but not only happy he was also feeling unusually strong, especially in his god loin region. He had a sensation that his all his muscles had gotten bigger, but especially that pleasure muscle that hangs between his legs. Time now to experience the attributes of some of the new god toys.
New god toys was code for a breed of lady god pleasers that are specifically bred to help satisfy a gods sexual needs. For the Goddesses they had goddess toys as no god could fully satisfy a Lady Lords near insatiable sexual appetite. Like everything else both gods and goddesses have a strong and fervent desire for sex and a seemingly unending performance need. Unlike non-gods, they can not only last as much as 8 hours straight, they can enjoy as many as 12 partners in a row, or even at the same time. Their sexual prowess goes beyond anything any intelligent species could ever even imagine let alone perform. So new “god toys” were indeed a special treat and this new batch would be no exception.
No sooner did Cosmo and Simon get into the playroom when already the zippers of their trousers came down. As one would expect the extremely large Simon was well endowed in every area of his body. A slightly too audible gasp was heard by the first god toy that touched his play tool. Cosmo couldn’t help but look over and the appendage was so huge even he blushed. “Oh my Creator man that thing is too big. You will break the new toys as surely as I stand here in envy.” But Simon was paying him no mind and had already taken 3 toys off to ravage and enjoy. He carried one over each shoulder while the third clung with her legs tightly bound to his oak tree thigh while holding on to the joy handle with both hands. Simon disappeared into a private room and it instantaneously filled with screams, squeals, and a chorus of “Holy Shit that thing is enormous”. Cosmo had only one single god toy caressing his much less imposing yet still impressive love muscle. The god toy looked up and was instantly and happily struck by Cosmo’s good looks. He has an angular well defined face with a nose that seemed to be chiseled in place perfectly. His long dark black hair rolled over his broad shoulders in layered waves. Unlike Simon there was not a single ounce of excess body fat on his well defined muscular body. His chest puffed out proudly on its own and had just enough hair on it .His arms were like argon filled balloons. He ha a smile was every bit as engaging as Simons without a trace of the gregariousness. The god toy spoke to him. “My but you are handsome, you are by far the best looking and easiest to look at god I have ever seen. I can tell I am truly going to enjoy this assignment.” Cosmo flashed her a smile so alluring she made a soft purring sound. The second he looked at her fuscia pink eyes he knew he wanted her to be exclusive. She had tight blue and green corkscrew curls that formed bangs above the sexy eyes and her head was framed perfectly with platinum hair in the shape of a crescent. The tips that disappeared under her chin were ebony black. A sight to behold. Of course her body was bred so close to perfection it didn’t seem fair to other females. Long muscular legs with perfectly proportioned hips. He pulled her hand away from his crotch and scooped her up in his strong arms. “Then lets get a private room and begin enjoying each other.” The god toy smiled as it was the first and quite possibly last time a god would treat her so tenderly. “Have you a name young maiden? Mine is Cosmo, but I prefer to be called Coz.” God toy looked up and said “They named me Ginger, but my real Name is Mary Anne.” Cosmo smiled another winner, “Ah that’s great, I think I like Mary Anne more than Ginger. I shall refer to you as Mary Anne and request you for the entire night.” Mary Anne blushed at the thought of being an exclusive. “Are you sure you don’t want a few others Mr. Coz?” Cosmo stared at her with eyes so filled with lust and passion it would have melted the butter clear through the refrigerator door. “First of all Mary Anne, its not Mr., but just Coz, and second, I prefer to concentrate all my enjoyment on the most beautiful maid and you are by far the hottest babe in The District. And its not the Meade Plus talking.” While he was talking Cosmo, I mean Coz, unbuttoned her blouse. He reached inside and cupped her smooth and delicate lady lumps paying extra attention to the nipple. Gently twisting his fingers as he inched his lips towards her at a teasingly slow rate. Her breathing was deep and heavy and her eyes burned with desire. When he clamped his warm lips over her soft full lips their tongues exploded in a furious search. Wrapped around each other the tongues danced and twisted to a passion rhythm. She arced her hips and Cosmo pressed his groin into hers. He could feel her loin shudder beneath her skirt and was well aware of how his touch had rendered her helpless. A shit storm of physical pleasure was about to explode between her legs and Mary Anne was quite willing to set the charge. Her hips swayed rhythmically anticipating the take off of Cosmo’s missile into her love canal. T minus ten, nine, eight, and within seconds the rockets red glare disappeared deep inside of Mary Anne orbiting her pleasure zone. Her sexy lips were adorned in bright red gloss and they parted slightly to allow a sensual hum sneak out and hang in the air like giant cloud. Her large pink saucer eyes now focused on Coz’s with intent directed at satisfying him like no one before.
During their nine hours of exclusive bliss no less than eight god toys had gone in and out, pun intended, of Simons room and each lasted no more than two hours before being replaced. The squeals were non stop and Simon cold be heard roaring with delight on several occasions. By contrast, Coz had only one visitor, the very lovely Mary Anne the entire time but the squeals and roars were every bit as ferocious and ten times as passionate and meaningful. The noticeable difference was that Coz’s roars and Mary Anne’s screams had an addded tenderness and order to them. When Cosmo had finally exhausted his final lust thrust everything ounce of Mary Anne was filled with love liquid. Coz was exhausted yet overflowing with pleasure and the room was filled of the smells of nine straight hours of love making. Mary was full as well having just been injected with a massive amount of god seamen. So much had Cosmo come inside Mary Anne that every time she sneezed a handful of microscopic god sperm snuck out into the night for a moonlight walk. Conceiving child is somewhat of an occupational hazard for god toys. It isn’t common but it does happen, and like most gods Cosmo refused to use a hefty bag. The thought of pregnancy crossed his mind but by the time it got to the other side it was forgotten. Pregnancy wasn’t able to cross Mary Anne’s mind, at least not for the moment. The nine hours was normal for Cosmo but it had taken quite a toll on Mary Anne. Physically exhausted, her curly platinum blond an patchy colored hair was tussled and matted and sat like an eagles nest above her head. The tight blue and green curls all but gave up curling and lay as limp as Mary Anne herself. She stared up at the ceiling as if still stunned by an amazing dream. The smile on her face would make Simons best smile hang its head in defeat. Her smile was immobile, sitting on her face on its own accord because Mary lacked any energy. Even as Cosmo got up to leave and thanked her the happy glossed over orbs remained fixed on the ceiling. Unable to move, the smile unwilling to leave, she laid there in bed as Coz kissed her gently on the forehead and told her he would never forget her. It’s quite possible she nodded or shuddered a thank you, but if she did it was imperceptible to the naked eye. Or the naked anything else for that matter. Cosmo wrapped on Simons door and yelled out “Good bye old friend, until next time.” Perhaps it went unheard, or perhaps Simon was in a position that prohibited response, but the squeals continued albeit with less than half the enthusiasm shown earlier. It was time to get some sleep and pick up his intelligence seeds the next morn. There was much to be done. As Cosmo left the room he heard a barely perceptible moan that sounded like “mmmmm so fucking good, so fucking good, thank you Cosmo, thank god. mmmm” There was something else in the air too, something Cosmo could not recognize. It almost felt as though someone else was in the room.