Cosmo’s Guide To Cosmic Gardening



Where should I begin? In the beginning God created the heaven and earth? I think that opening line is taken but it begs the question why are we really here? Some say in the beginning there was a vast empty space, a nothing vacuum in a nowhere space until a bunch of atoms spontaneously appeared and took to flying around everywhere (or nowhere depending on your view) when suddenly two overly aggressive atoms collided causing a huge explosion. Spontaneous combustion. The Big Bang! Yea, right! First nothing and nowhere then all of a sudden a Universe so huge it has no end. Wait, hold on, even better, first there was nothing and then the one and only god created shit to keep him from being bored. Spent six days building it then chilled for a few million years. A massive universe with one teeny weenie little speck where he created the supreme lifeforce, human beings that looked just like him, to rule over everything. First nothing then one man, one women, an apple and a snake. Now that’s even funnier! As a matter of fact both of these comical stories are a source of great humor and hilarity and the butt of many jokes at The Board of Co-operative Gods and Goddesses out in District seven. At any decent cosmic cocktail party you’ll hear no less than a hundred jokes about various theories of how life came to be in any of the life gardens but the Earth stories are by far the most numerous. The “monkey trials” keep gods and goddesses laughing for hours on end at inter-galactic get togethers. There’s not a god worth his sodium chloride that hasn’t heard of Darwin, Moses, Jesus, Mohamed, Elijah. Or the Talmud, Koran, The Bible, even The Upanishads. Stories of a pure evil horned devil with blood dripping from its hands and fear bolts being shot from its eyes keep them rolling in the anti-matter with tears of laughter. Satan, Lucifer, Serpent of Evil, Beelzebub, so many knee slapping names for the antichrist. Oh yes, the earthlings grown by Cosmo are a source of great amusement to all the gods. All the gods? Am I saying there really are many gods? Does a pope defecate in the woods? Is a Polar Bear catholic? Can white bears jump? Of course there are many gods, and many galaxies supporting forms of life. Did you really think you were the only living beings in the entire universe? Jeez, and I thought Wookies were dumb. Well sit back you Vader naysayer and let me tell you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Well maybe a fabrication or two along the way because YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
In the beginning, Once upon a time, at the outset, none of these phrases apply because life is a circle with no beginning and no end. There just simply has always been many gods and goddesses with endless open space and these gods have varying responsibilities. Gods and goddesses are each given their own garden plots which you call galaxies. They tend their gardens and grow life in a variety of forms. The gods and goddesses perform many tasks such as making gardens spin, enforcing the law of gravity, some create laws of physics to apply differently in different particular purpose. Some create wind and motion to make global area’s different but the brightest gods and goddesses get selected to the Board. There they ponder deeply the laws of the universe and how they should be applied everywhere. These are the most intelligent gods and goddesses and they hold court to make the decisions that effect all forms of life. No cosmic gardener can grow anything without their approval. It’s known as The Board of Co-operative Gods and Goddesses. (BOCGG) They made the decisions that effected the farmer gods who were expected to grow and experiment with the various galaxies across the universe. Each galaxy was tended to by its own god. There was great and clever Simon in the Tolkien Galaxy, Mychrighton in the Andromeda Strain Galaxy, The red haired beauty Lucille who watched over the Bobaloo Galaxy, Luke-ass who presided over The infamous Jedi Galaxy that was far far away, and so on. Here in our Milky Way galaxy, the farmer was and is the god Cosmo. Such a good farmer is Cosmo that they named the entirety of space after him. The vast space of the universe came to be known as “The Cosmos”. Travel was known as Cosmic travel, knowledge as cosmic knowledge and any left out odds and ends in space became known as Cosmic debris. Hey there brother, I’m not jiving you bout that Cosmic debris! Cosmo is indeed an accomplished cosmic gardener, in fact he is somewhat of a legend among the other gods. In Solar system 728KJ he had cultivated nine grooving spinning garden orbs he called planets. From the tiny and excruciatingly hot mercury, to the equally tiny but totally frozen Neptune he tended to all nine magnificently. Like the giant Jupiter (which for some reason had red eye in all the family photo’s) with an assortment of moons, and the ill advised named Uranus (No need to tell you the jokes at The District with this one) . He put some cool looking bangle bracelets around the lovely and mysterious Saturn, and named two of the planets after his own Mom and Dad. The entire universe was touched at the naming of Venus and Mars. Yes Cosmo had really taken pride in that particular solar system. But his pride and joy and claim to fame is most assuredly for his work done on one particular planet, known throughout cosmos as garden earth. Garden earth is a rather insignificant looking planet in solar system 728KJ. It is the third planet from Sun 728, and has the benefit of the perfect amount of sunshine. Earth also has a considerable amount of water on it which is the other essential ingredient in growing things. Sun and Water in abundance makes for a smashing garden. Cosmo wants to make planet earth, in solar system 728KJ the most prolific and successful garden in all the universe. With a vast ocean to create clouds which would in turn drop water back into the garden a system of synergetic energy is created. Cosmic irrigation! Garden earth is a thriving ever-growing populace world. A wide variety of vegetation and many roaming creatures inhabit the garden.
But what you see on garden earth today is not how it was at the beginning so put on your seat belt as we travel back in time to see how this all came to be The Planet Earth. Catastrophic is the best way to describe his first attempt. Maybe he wasn’t mature enough or maybe like a fool he just rushed in but either way it’s a story that is told and retold as far away as Gabor40904 which is about eight billion gazillion gamma light years away. To you that would be a mere two point five septillion miles give or take. At any rate here is what happened in Cosmo’s first attempt.
When a god reaches a certain age he or she is given a Galactic Farming Starter Kit. In the starter kit comes a package of sea monkeys which gods could use to populate in any gathering of H2O. These sea monkeys would eventually grow into all sorts of different weird looking creatures. Some even had 8 legs! But, that’s way in the future as evolution thrives underwater. The problem was that no one could see the assortment of single cell creatures in the Pangaean Sea of garden earth. Cosmo wanted more on his special planet. He wanted some things that he could watch and toy with and keep as pets. So with the BOCGG approval Cosmo sent away for the “Advanced” farmer kit which comes with both aqua mobile seeds and terra mobile seeds.
Cosmo surveyed his round global garden noting the huge land mass which he had called Pangaea. It was enormous but completely unadorned and surrounded in entirely by water. Cosmos first brilliant concept was born. Edible vegetation. Not just pretty to look at like in other gardens, he wanted to develop some of his vegetation as energy giving edible substances. He developed gargantuan trees and shrubs which would absorb energy from the sun storing energy and converting some into oxygen. Now he could create some creatures and they would have food and be able to breath. Brilliance had come to Cosmo in a dream. He was being chased by a creature with a long neck and large mouth with sharp teeth. This would be his first creature. What should he name this creature? Jar Jar Brinks? No, that’s stupid. He thought out loud. “Lets see, the creature was chasing me and my buddy Steggo and when it got near it bit Steggo’s ass. Steggo yelled out damn man, now my ass is sore and.” He stopped in mid sentence. “That’s it! I’ll call him sore ass! No, not sore ass, Steggo’s sore ass. To avoid any divine libel law suits it was suggested he make it one word. It sounded smart and sophisticated as stegosaurus so he went with that. Now for some other creatures for stegosaurus to play with.
So Cosmo created an assortment of giant creatures. Long necks, smaller faster creatures, a few with wings, and one really scary one. He made up weird names for them like Stegosaurus, brontosaurus, Pterodactyl (He also invented the silent letter which would cause all sorts of shit in years to come), and his personal favorite, the frightening one, Tyrannosaurus Rex. For weeks the great god Cosmo played with his new dinosaurs. He started to get a little worried when he saw them chewing on the tops of all his beautiful vegetation, but realized that they needed to eat something. My creator almighty they have appetites bigger than their damn bodies. Seems the more they ate the more they expelled from there butts. Some of it a horrible almost violent smelling gas which was a bit of an embarrassment to Cosmo when other gods came to view his garden. But the solid stuff actually deteriorated and made the trees and shrubs grow even better. It seemed like a perfect system. Everything depended on everything else to survive. The sun gave everything energy and sucked up water to make clouds, the clouds returned water to cool things off in the garden and help grow the vegetation. The vegetation gave air and food for the creatures , and the creatures pooped out food to feed the vegetation. A cycle was created which Cosmo referred to as “The cycle of life.” A theme that would forever define his garden no matter what thrived in the garden beds.
One morning while sipping some of his favorite caffeinated breakfast beverage, Thors Thunderbolt, Cosmo noticed some strange things happening in his garden. His creatures appeared to be having sex repeatedly and Pangaea was becoming very crowded with baby creatures. And some bi-saurus creatures were looking stranger, larger, wider, and Cosmo sensed some major changes. Having sex also seemed to make the creatures very hungry and they were eating twice as much as usual. One particular bush or rather one particular weed actually seemed to give them voracious appetites. Not just for food, but for sex. Cosmo won’t swear to it but he believed it made his creatures laugh. At the very least they smiled more than normal. He wondered if it was co-incidence, or if the cannabis bush had some unusual qualities to it so he took a few homegrown plants to try himself. He decided he would let them dry out and smoke them after dinner. As he continued to survey Pangaea another curious practice was observed. The creatures seemed to be fighting each other over the sex, which was not really a colossal deal but it appeared that the winners where actually eating the losers. Believing it to be from the cannabis he referred to the practice as canibisalism. He opted not to try smoking the shit just yet afraid of what it may make him want to do. The eating of the other creatures also made the eaters even bigger and stronger. He would need to keep an eye on these developments.
As time passed more and more creatures were killing each other and eating the remains. And damn were they multiplying. They engaged in sex virtually everyday and babies were everywhere. Every day there seemed to be more and more, and nearly all the vegetation had been eaten. Not only that but they began biting kicking and scratching each other for no apparent reason. Many fights seemed to be over who had more dangling under their tail or who was going to screw the better looking female dinosaurs. Many times these fights caused some to fall down never to get back up. Cosmo was not happy with the with these developments at all. His garden of creatures was turning into a giant fighting fiasco. His giant behemoth experiments were much to big and clumsy. He decided he needed to start over and this time start with much more compact set of creatures. First though he needed to extinguish and cover up the debacle of the dinosaur.
His first thought was to go subterranean. He began to churn up the ground at different points of the land mass Pangaea. The shifting of dirt created numerous effects. The mass of land split in various places and Pangaea began to break up into smaller lands. A few dinosaurs fell off the edges, but for the most part they rode the land mass that they happened to reside on and just sort of relocated. Two chunks of dirt headed out quickly, one due north and one due south. Each went as far as it could go until it turned into a giant massive iceball. Every dinosaur on these arctic edges froze along with it. The other land masses fared much better. Cosmo needed names now for the different masses. On the east he had North Columbia and South Columbia. Way across the newly formed ocean there was a dark mass he called Afrika, and a huge piece he called Eurasia. A smaller mass slipped down under while a very green land went slightly north. He would name them later. As for the dinosaurs they had begun to change and were ironically defined by their land masses. The creatures in North Columbia grew more aggressive body parts, like large razor sharp teeth, pointed spiny tails, and large muscular arms. Cosmo believed they actually thought themselves superior and tried to make all the others live the way they did. Pretentiousaurus! The dinosaurs in Africa were very wild and it took on a predatory nature of survival of the mightiest. In Eurasisa half fancied themselves the more sophisticated and chic while the other half absolutely excelled in math. They had all begun to mutate body parts that were used as weapons or as protective amour. Spiny heads and necks, horns, shells, claws, Talons, scales and many other features that assisted warfare or survival. They continued cross breeding and a host of new genus’s were born. Now we had some walking on two legs, some on four, some eating only vegetation, some only other dinosaurs, and many eating both. The flying dinosaurs alone mutated into over 500 species. The fights became rampant and more frequent and quite frankly it was pissing Cosmo off a bit. The shifting of the land also had an effect on the once enormous Pangaean sea which was all the water surrounding Pangaea. The other lands had created borders which split the Pangaean sea into vast oceans. New weather patterns and water currents came into play, and many of the places he churned up dirt had formed piles, ranging from tiny molehills to humongous mountains that reached up towards the sky. At first Cosmo tried to make all the dirt piles as majestic as the giant ones but he quickly learned he couldn’t make a mountain out of a molehill.
As time went on things just got worse and worse. The changes in the garden plots were great, but the dinosaurs were out of control. In each land mass they were carrying on and destroying the vegetation, trampling everything in their paths, kicking the everlasting dinosaur shit out of each other. If that wasn’t bad enough the fornicating was maddening. No matter where you looked in the garden you could find many dinosaurs letting it all hang out ready for reproduction. Giant penispods galore. Humping and swamp hopping there was sex going on everywhere. Puddles of sperm gathered that drowned the lower vegetation and while they were knocking horns and creating future fossils it tore up the ground and caused many a fight to the death. Genus were being wiped out, it was a constant state of confusion. The trees they had eaten clear down to the roots. They simply had no respect at all for Cosmo, his garden, or each other and that was the final sipping stick! It was time for a raptor rapture!
The angry Cosmo had had it. He reached up into space and grabbed the biggest asteroid he could hold and hurled it towards earth with all his might. Had it not been an act of destruction one might have thought it a beautiful sight. Upon impact a huge explosion of colors, bright reds and yellows danced tangos across the planet. A blinding flash of white so brilliant it could be seen as far away as the Tolkien Galaxy. Flames that reached so high they tickled the moon and made it giggle and squirm. Sheer magnifigance. Why it was a fireworks display fit for the gods. But mere seconds after the glowing kaleidoscope lit up the skies, as if to remind everyone that its beauty was marred by violence, it was quickly replaced with an ear pounding roar. Burst of concussion inducing reverberation accompanied on this evening with mushroom plume of billowing smoke dressed in charcoal black from head to toe. A snap. A crackle. A pop. Within seconds garden earth became Earth Krispies. The explosion kicked up an awful cloud of dust with it that pulled the rug of sparkle pomp and circumstance right from under its cosmic ass. For the longest time Cosmo could see nothing but an enormous floating dust bunny. Virtually everything was obscured and he had no clue as to the fate of his living garden below. One thing for sure, if any of the suns rays got through at all it was undetectable. How could anything live without food, without light, without sunshine? Cosmo was absolutely certain he had lost everything. He underestimated the ultra tiny earth dwelling insect known as the cockroach. Will anything kill those bastards?
As time went by the dust began to settle it was becoming apparent not much if anything would survive. Even with only a portion of the dust gone he could see there was not much sign of life. The vegetation tried valiantly to reach back up towards the sun but with limited success. The garden seemed still and void. Even Cosmo couldn’t detect the tiny crawling cockroach foraging at the base of the vegetation. But trust me when I tell you, those cucaracha’s marched on. The once magnificent dinosaurs however were not able to crawl between any cracks and did not fare well. A massive open graveyard was all the gardening god could see. Humongous piles of giant carcasses littered the ground and whatever ground that could be seen was scorched to a grayish black. Nary a leaf or a pine cone to be found. Not even a blade of grass on this once animated garden of green and blue. Stacks of bodies and body parts could be seen everywhere with billows of smoke reaching out to the Milky Way cluster. There was a stench quite unfamiliar to Cosmo, charred flesh smelled nothing at all similar to a god BBQ. To call the aroma unpleasant would be an understatement. The forces of fetid decay banded together with burning flesh and gunpowder. The acrid odors began an all out assault that would serve as a rank reminder of the magnitude of failure here. Battalions of rotted mounds of foul fecal sewage mixed with dino debris formed an aerial assault. The army of stench marched up Cosmo’s nose and set up a camp of odiferous angry troops behind his eyes. Some salted droplets of sorrow snuck down Cosmo’s cheek which he blamed on the carousel of stink spinning in his sinuses. Make no mistake though that was no dew drop, that was a teardrop
Denial is not yet just a river in Egypt. A deep sadness overtook the creator of the dinosaur. Still smoldering and becoming increasingly covered in dust Cosmo reflected on his once thriving lizard kingdom. Had they not been so enormous he mused, perhaps things would have been different. He wanted to have a way to remember the jumbo Jurassic relics . After some time many of the hearty vegetation had once again begun to sprout, rising up from the ashes. It seemed as though everything reminded him of his creatures. “I shall name this period of existence the cretaceous period in honor of my creatures. In order that no one, especially me, ever forget their magnifigance I shall create a living memorial. With that Cosmo placed very colorful vegetation he called flowers everywhere. At first the flowers were impractical, the only benefit being the ambiance and je ne sais quoi of their beauty and fresh interesting aroma’s. The wonderful aroma’s to cover the stench of scorched earth were amusing. He had no idea what an impact they would have later on. Flowers would become symbolic of love and beauty and figure into a strange talk between fathers and sons some day. People would fashion perfumes and air fresheners form their enticing smells and men would find them a beneficial tool in making up for mistakes. Flowers would proudly display their floral genitalia and bees would find them irresistible. Flowers would come to represent anticipation of sex for both honey bee and honey dear alike. Forever linked with love because that was why Cosmo created them, to remind him of his love for the once utopian behemoths. Beautiful flowers of white pink peach, purple, red, yellow, blue, violet, green and orange. Fantastically designed shapes of bells, funnels, trumpets, tubes, saucers, bowls and labia. Brilliantly displayed all over the land masses along with new and tastier vegetation. It was a sight to behold. An arboretum of the grandest scale any had ever seen. This colorful garden alone would have stopped a charging raptor in its path to gawk at the beauty and inhale deeply the scent of passion on this marvel of an orb. An ambush makeover on the grandest of scales.
Now a new task was at hand. “I will take my new plan to the BOCGG and see if they will approve and allow me to once again have mobile life in the garden. It was time to face the rhythms melodies and harmonies expressed through instruments. Cosmo knew it was no use trying to pull the woolly mammoth over the boards eyes. Best thing to do was fess up and submit his urban renewal plan. However, when Cosmo went to request some new life seeds, the board of co-operative god and goddesses were waiting for him. They did not seem pleased.
The Board of Cooperative Gods and Goddesses convened in an area of the universe known as District Seven, or just “The District” as gods called it. The District was like the universes capitol. A retreat for any of the gods who wanted some R and R from controlling everything. Restaurants and a few pubs, recreation areas where they could swim in warm liquid methane or play a few rounds of Gomf (Gods Only Mortals Forbidden). They could visit the Library of Everything, catch up on current events in any galaxy, or just relax. It was also where the BOCGG held court to make decisions that effected the entirety of everything. Unfortunately for Cosmo that was precisely why he was here in The District on this day. To go before the Board and issue a plea for forgiveness and the go ahead to start over.
The tallest of the gods spoke first. “Cosmo, you have made a gargantuan mistake in trashing your garden. You broke a law when you interfered. If you check page 7 of the BOCGG codebook it clearly states than no god may interfere with the natural progress of any form of life anywhere. You have deliberately destroyed the entire garden. What have you to say of yourself?” Cosmo knew it was senseless to lie to the gods because they can tell instantly. “Yes its true, I destroyed the giant dinosaurs I was growing but in my defense they where way too massive and ate tons of vegetation each day. And they were destroying each other and all the beauty around them. They would have destroyed the garden in no time. I felt it best to begin over with a much more efficient and intelligent design. If you gaze now upon the garden you will see it is perhaps the most colorful in the universe. I have grown many shapes and colors on earth and it is more magnificent then ever before. It even smells nice.“ Cosmo presented at bouquet of beautifully arranged flowers from Earth to each of the Goddesses. Instantly he had won the lady lords over and he knew it. “All I need to complete this garden is some new life seeds so I may create new creatures, much smaller in stature and less capable of destruction. I have learned much from my mistake. From the ashes of my galactic faux pas I have come up with a cutting edge form of existence I call the cycle of life. Given the chance it could become a prototype used all over the universe. I would be overjoyed to have the opportunity to institute it on Earth and make a garden more worthy of The Board. I deeply regret having caused such destruction. I promise will not ever mingle in the affairs of what grows within the confines of my garden ever again.” Tall God gave Cosmo fifty lashes with the high beams from his angry eye sockets. “Indeed Cosmo, we all witnessed disaster even from as far away as we are.“ Time to lay on some god charm so with kindergarten eyes and trademark flirtatious grin he said, “Well did you at least enjoy the light show?” He handed him a picture of the new colorful planet and an earth cigar. Tall God visibly softened his stare and playfully rolled his eyes. Cosmo was one of the most handsome and charming of all the gods and was well liked in every corner of the universe. He quickly submitted his new and improved garden blueprint which was in fact quite impressive. This seemed to satisfy the gods who were all nodding their heads in agreement. The Lengthy Lord spoke again. “The Board is impressed and looks in anticipation of this cycle of life. So it shall be Cosmo, you will go back to Solar System 728KJ and replant, but may I suggest you use your new life seeds more wisely. There be no need to rush things.” He shook his lean angular noggin and threw up his overstretched arms. “Why is it you young gods are all so fucking impatient these days?” Cosmo agreed that he would indeed secure a well thought out plan this time and thanked each god individually. No slouch at schmoozing was Cosmo.
A smart schmooze as well. He called his good friend Kirk T Spock from the galaxy Vulcan and invited him over to discus some ideas and smoke some of that tickle weed from his garden. He had finally got up the nerve to try it and was blown away at the results. He rolled many of the new cannabis silly sticks and gave them to his friends. Now it was a favorite all over and grown in nearly every galaxy. Kirk has a rather successful galaxy himself. His most impressive garden has much more of a modern look focusing more on technology than things like vegetation and floral arrangements. Teleportation and lasers were more important there. Eating food was not an event as it would be on earth but a pill in the morning gives every creature the optimal energy needed, so eating was essentially unnecessary. For the most part all galaxies were like that absent of Cosmo’s brilliant cycle of life. In comparison to his garden most of the universe is cold and uninviting. But Como enjoyed Kirk’s array of interesting life forms. Unlike Cosmo he had already asked for and received intelligence seeds. One day he would request them as well, but first things first. He poured them each a long mug of Amber Idol, the favorite carbonated malt beverage of the gods and lit a doob. As they drank and puffed they read the guidelines set forth by the boards codebook. “Okay, rule one is something about allowing for some hurdles. On Vulcan I call them will call them clusterfucks, but you need to come up with your own term.” Cosmo loved the term clusterfuck but Kirk was right. “Yea, too bad. I dig your name but I don’t want to diss your ass. Hey that sounds kinda funny. Diss your ass. Disaster ass. No, disaster. That’s it, Natural Disasters.” And so Cosmo first set about to make some severe weather currents. He created hurricanes for the Atlantic and Typhoons for the pacific. “And how about this, I’ll make these storms cause flood producing waves that can change the tides?” Even Kirk was getting excited now, after all, who doesn’t love inventing tragedies? “ Ha, that will create a shit storm. Theres a good name too, storm. Oh yea, that’s good Cosmo, call the waves tidal waves and the disruptions storms.” They felt a slight wind crop up from his newly formed weather pattern. “Holy shit! What a great idea. I will make some winds super strong. Strong enough to take things as heavy as the mighty dinosaurs I grew and fling them around for miles. I’ll call them tornadoes and I will put them mostly in the middle of this huge land mass in the Northwest.” Kirk couldn’t help but get a playful jab in at his friend. “Mighty dinosaurs? More like huge humping humdingers. You think you could come up with a wind stronger than those putrid explosions they expelled from themselves?” Cosmo took a joke well and shrugged it off. “Ha ha, humping humdingers my ass, more like formidable flatulent fornicators.” They took a few minutes to laugh uncontrollably not because that was funny, but more than likely because the doob was such good quality. Kirk got his laugh muscles under control and continued. “I bet they’ll come up with a catchy name for that area like tornado road or tornado cul de sac or something. This is great fun!” Cosmo was very excited now. He decided he would make some droughts and some overflowing rains to add to the storms to create challenges and confusion on earth. But that wasn’t enough, he needed something else. He chugged down some carbonated nectar of the gods and began thinking while the beverage began to bloat his stomach and dizzy up his head ever so slightly. After a half hour the inspiration opened its hand and slapped Cosmo upside the head. Cosmo let out a huge belch that shook the whole garden. “Oh man, that’s perfect. “I will add something uncontrollable that comes from inside the gardens own stomach. Like a burning hot burp” Kirk laughed half from the weed and half from his amazement. “A burp. How do you come up with these ideas?” Another long chuckle. “I get my inspiration from you my logical friend. Up out of a mound of dirt will come some really hot melted rock. I will name the disaster after you Kirk. Kirkeruption.” Kirk was touched but very modest. “Don’t use my name use my galaxy name. Call it a Vulcano!” Cosmo understood his reluctance to have his name immortalized. That was the type of god Kirk was. “Let’s compromise and call it a volcano. I will force rock up like a belch so fucking hot it will flow like burning water until it cools. I will make volcanoes and sprinkle them around everywhere. Maybe even some underwater. Oh yea, these will create massive headaches.” Cosmo could not help but laugh out loud. “This will be the greatest garden ever.” Kirk T. Spock recited all their concepts out loud then shook his head and repeated twice in a slow speech, “Fascinating.”
The two high empirical horticulturists chugged down the last of their beers, finished the jolly joint and sat back. Cosmo was quite satisfied with himself. But had they thought of everything? “Lets see, I have major storms, the cold ones creating avalanches, the warm ones floods, landslides, and huge waves. I have volcanoes that will erupt spitting boiling shit on everything. What else? Hmmm, maybe I should create something that causes destruction that can’t be seen coming. Some kind of organism that can destroy from a micro sneak attack.” Kirk was quite impressed. “Wow, an unseen micro-organism that is so miniscule they won‘t even have a clue whats attacking them. Brilliant!” Cosmo continued enthusiastically. “The sun will shoot out flares and make droughts, the storms will make floods and chaos, the volcanoes will ruin everything near it, and the microorganisms will attack things unseen. I will create fire, but I won’t introduce that quite yet. Not until I have something around that can exploit it. I think I have everything covered.” Cosmo laughed so hard that he shook. Kirk was preparing to leave when one last thought hit him. “Hey wait a minute! Why don’t you make something that will make everything shake uncontrollably. It will knock shit over, cause things to tumble down, and any life form you have will quake in its boots.” Cosmo never ceased to find amazement in his friends concepts. “Absolutely! That’s the final piece, Earthquakes! Without warning I will cause tremendous shifts underneath the ground. Not a single creature will know who is at fault.” Kirk pulled a transponder from his pocket. “I think your off to a great start Coz. Thanks for the nectar and the weed. Sweet Mary Jane that was some good shit. At any rate good friend it’s time for me to leave. Let me know when you have your creatures. Can‘t wait to see this cycle of life.” He lifted his transponder and hit some buttons. “Co-ordinates set. Beam me up Scottie.” In a flash trillions of tiny pixels of colored dots spun in frantic circles and poof, Kirk was gone. Happy with the events of the day Cosmo took a well deserved nap.
Feeling refreshed after his nap it was time to do some more creating. Cosmo took his new life seeds and began. “Now what shall I grow? “I will create a variety of species. Like a couple of million. I’ll have bacteria, fungi, crustaceans, insects, birds, reptiles (tiny versions of his beloved dinosaurs), birds, fish, and mammals. I will let all these species evolve. Yea, that’s fucking it. Evolution. I will let things change and adjust to their environments. Maybe even evolve into new species. I will give one or two species the ability to reason. To be able to think like I do.” He gave this some consideration. “Well maybe not think like I do, but to be able to reason. They will be able to use and make tools to make their lives easier. But I don’t want to get to far ahead of myself here. I’ll let that happen in a few million years. Oh but wait, what’s a year going to be for them?” Cosmo remembered a trick his friend Simon used in his garden in The Tolkien Galaxy. Each planet had its own system of time. A full trip around the sun will be a year. Each spin of the planet will be a day. So for Cosmo every million years on earth will equal one god year. That settles the timing issue. This is when the fun began for Cosmo. He used his imagination to come up with a large variety of creatures and would make them all dependant on each other. He made some that ate only vegetation, some that ate only other living moving things, and some that ate both. That part at least worked well for the dinosaur era. The cycle of life. When something dies it will rot and become food for the vegetation. Everything depending on other things. Bugs that eat dead leaves and convert it to useful fertilizer. Birds that eat the bugs, animals that eat the birds, and bigger animals that eat those animals. I will allow everything to thrive as it struggles to survive. Just let nature take its course so to speak. Then he can watch how they deal with and evolve from the disasters. The plan was set and the new garden, the new world had begun.
For a few years, oh I’m sorry, for millions of years things went along great. A variety of life forms walked feely in the garden and found ways to survive and multiply. To avoid the whole fornication fiasco he came up with a variety of different ways to reproduce. Some eggs were fertilized inside bodies and some outside with many different strategies. Some had only one offspring at a time, some many, and some even thousands, or millions at time. There were many that even reproduced completely on their own without assistance from another member of the species. For the most part however it was a contribution from a male and a female of any particular species. This gave the happy creator a wide spectrum of creatures he could make. Bacteria living in an unseen world, insects so tiny that millions could thrive in small areas, and then his array of animals. That was the glory, Cosmo’s animal kingdoms. He started in North and South Columbia. He created an assortment of smaller animals, some sneaky and underhanded like rats and weasels, he created mice and chipmunks, minks, ferrets, gophers, and his sexually proficient rabbits. He gave them unusual but deadly defense systems like the quills of the porcupine or the stench of the skunk. One creation was always stealing shit so he gave the raccoons bandito eye masks. Mid size creatures also coexisted there with wolves and coyotes, and the hot looking foxes. Slightly larger were his deer, cattle, moose, and elk. Cosmo loved having ferocious animals around so he had some fearsome groups of bears to strike fear in the hearts of everything. Next he duplicated these animals in Euroasia, but he added a whole slew of more interesting animals. With a larger land mass he could afford larger animals. He created horses, camels, donkeys. As a nod to his beloved dinosaurs he created a sleeker and more refined version of his woolly mammoth, the elephant. Also some variations on his mountain lions he made tigers and Bengals and leopards. Why even a twist on his grizzly pals across the ocean he made a strain of Panda bears. Next his attention went to Africa where he would have his real masterpieces. Ferocious predatory animals was the rule here. Giant Lions and Tigers, super fast cheetahs. The Fierce large mouthed crocodiles, charging rhinoceros, the hungry hungry hippos. A absolute menagerie of animals One species of animal was vegetatarian but too short to get at the tops of the trees where the healthy vegetation grew so he stretched the neck and he had a giraffe. He filled the skies with an uncountable amount of birds of all shapes and sizes, then put wings on some mice and called them bats. But the most important of all the animals he created were the primates. Gorilla, orangutan, lemur, Loris capuchin, Ape, monkey, and chimpanzee. At first he had them living in the trees, swinging around on vines and gathering fruits from the branches. Then a funny thing happened. They climbed sown from the trees and began walking, stumbling really, on two legs. Cosmo knew in an instant that if any creature would deserve intelligence seeds it would be them. He watched them with much anticipation.
Yes he had grown a fine garden. He used wit and wisdom and had created a self sufficient world. He thought it would be funny to throw a few curve balls and make some strange animals. He noticed there were no animals on his land down under and immediately came up with some great idea’s. Kangaroo’s that will hop and box, a confused animal. Legs like a lizard, body like an otter, and face like a duck. Put it all together and it’s a duck billed platypus. Marvelous little creature. But he wasn’t done. Wallabies, Nubat, Wombat, and Koala. A kookaburra bird and some flightless birds with the tiniest brains possible. He also thought it would be funny to see how something does without any arms or legs at all. Yuck. Worms and slugs and snakes for all the land masses. He took another flightless bird and dressed it up in a tuxedo. Penguins thrived all over but did especially well in the very cold regions. What an infinite variety of animals. His one last brilliant move was to enlarge the skulls of many of his primates, so that one day he could grow larger brains in them.
He had also filled the oceans with an array of new creatures to evolve along with the single cell sea monkeys he started with so very long ago. From tiny little cuddly fish to gigantic orcas. He even snuck a few dinosaur size creatures deep in the oceans. Blue whales, giant squids. Cosmo allowed the creatures to rule their own world under the sea. He created underwater vegetation and planktons and clams, oysters ,mussels. Everything as brilliantly colored and co dependant as the world above the waves. But just to make it more interesting Cosmo added some sharks, some poisonous jellyfish and a few other predatory fish and sea creatures. He made eight armed octopi, horseshoe crabs, and starfish. In another display of his incredible humor and insight he created sea horses and made them the only thing in the garden that gives birth via the males. This gender bender of a mix up will keep them guessing for years to come.
Now his world was set and all he could was wait and watch. He had created a near perfect world and added some special fertilizer which would quicken the pace of evolution. New species were cropping up every day for Cosmo. He was tending to his garden, keeping it watered and full of sunshine and just watched. One day he noticed that the big hairy apes of his walked steadier and more efficiently on two appendages. Cosmo decided it was time this species received actual intelligence. Why they had already made a choice using some basic logic. They were finding food scarce and climbed out of the trees and walked in search of more food. These primates show great promise so Cosmo decided to go back to the Board of Co-Operative Gods and Goddesses to plead his case for intelligence.
When Cosmo finally got back to the Board he could sense that they were feeling exceptionally agreeable but he was still a bit wary from his previous visit. He presented his plan to add intelligence to some of the primates in his garden. Of course it was tall god who spoke up first. “Ah yes Cosmo, intelligence. Why is it that all you gods eventually want to give your gardens an intelligent species? It seems to me that you wouldn’t want them trying to understand what you understand, yet you all want it sometime. You do recall the fiasco in Solar System 928MJ in the Chimera galaxy, yes Cosmo?” Cosmo did indeed remember what had happened when the god Botchiegalloup added intelligence to one of his creations. He had this odd looking species of a five legged giant oval animal with three mouths and ten arms. Once it developed intelligence its only focus was finding the god Botchiegalloup and destroying it. Oh my supreme being that was a battle royale. Why Botchi had to call in gods from all the nearest galaxies and they were losing ground every day. The board had to come up solution so they looked to the wisest of farming superstars the lovely goddess Lucille. Luscious Lucy was a goddess to remember. So incredibly funny with a mind that wouldn’t quit. She could make you laugh one second then gap with wonder at her knowledge the next. The Bobaloo Galaxy was a model galaxy filled with laughter, music and merriment. Its design however was anything but comical. An absolute genius Lucy had come up with advances in gardening that nearly every aspiring farmer subscribed to. She came up with a new phenomenon called a black hole At it’s core the black hole has so much gravity in the fucking thing that it sucked in planets for millions of miles around. Nothing could escape its gravitational gullet. Not even light could get out once the hole got it in its grasp. Once put in place the Crimea galaxy became nothing but a black hole. Botchiegalloup has never farmed since. “Of course I remember the debacle of the black hole, but there have been successful intelligence programs as well. What of Simons galaxy ? The Tolkien Galaxy has lots of successes like the Hobbits, The Efts, The Elves and such. Why I have seen a few flying objects I could not identify on earth and I am sure they were from another galaxy. It can be done, it just needs to be tended to cautiously.” The tall god knew of more than one successful thinking gardens but he didn’t want to make it seem to easy for Cosmo. “Well I tell you what Cosmo. We will bring it up tomorrow with the board over a few pitchers of Meade during happy hour. I will propose your request of intelligence officially and we’ll see what the board has to say. As for The Tolkien Galaxy, do not forget how it almost got destroyed by the Orcs. And keep in mind the dinosaur debacle you had, many still laugh about that one. Anyway, leave me your resume and list of accomplishments. That will help your case.” Cosmo thanked tall god profusely and did as he was advised. The following day he waited outside the god bar hoping to have his answer. He heard much laughing. That mushroom juice he added to the Meade must have done its job.
After an excruciatingly long hour Tall god came out to meet him with a shit eating grin on his face. “I don’t know what you put in the Meade Cosmo but if its something that grows in your garden it’s a fucking winner. The board has approved your request for using intelligence, but want me to stress that you use it wisely and sparingly. I will bring you intelligence seeds tomorrow. Now go out and have some fun before heading back to your Galaxy tomorrow. We have a new shipment of god toys that act very strange indeed after only one large cup of Meade. I will see you on the morrow” Cosmo was overjoyed and shook tall gods hand. “Thank you so much, I promise you won’t regret this.” The smile walked away from tall gods face. “I am sure that I won’t regret it Cosmo, I just hope you won’t. Anyway, you can thank us by shipping us some more of whatever you spiked the Meade with. Now get your god ass out of here before they change their minds.” The smile came running back and jumped on tall gods face just in time for him to go back to happy hour.
Cosmo left a very happy god. Now he could go hang out at The Hershey Bar, get plastered and enjoy some of the new god toys that Tall god spoke of. Cosmo walked up to the bar, ordered a large Meade and sat down. From the corner of his god eye he spied his old friend Simon, whom he had just spoken of to Tall god. Cosmo called out, “Simon old friend, your god ears must have been ringing with joy. Why I was just bragging to Tall god how well your Tolkien Galaxy has turned out.” When Simon stood up he towered over just about everyone. A tad shorter than Tall god, yet enormously wide. His torso was so big and round that many joked he must have swallowed one of his planets whole. Though none brave enough to say it to his face as he was as foreboding as he was large. His massive thighs stood like oak trees holding up a huge muscular frame. A god who loved to fight and had a reputation for putting out the lights of many a challenger. But as frightening and ornery as he was, if you had the opportunity as Cosmo had to really get to know him, he was the best friend you could ever hope for. When he met Cosmo’s gaze Simons huge orange eyes lit up and a giant smile took over his entire face. Simon was also an endlessly jovial god. When I say his smile took over his face I mean it quite literally. His mandibles had developed the ability to dislodge and become unusually huge. It was most likely a mutation made to help accommodate his voracious appetite and deep bellowing belly laugh which he invited into the room for all to hear. “Oh my supreme being if it isn’t Cosmosaurus himself.” Simon immediately filled the airwaves with his infamous laugh. He could say things about you that might normally erupt in a war if anyone else said it. But Simon did it lovingly with a decibel challenging laugh. All one could do was smile and enjoy some of the excess mirth his body exuded. Cosmo smiled a big smile as well and the two hugged. When Cosmo looked at Simons smile, a thought hit him. Maybe I could use that for my snakes and let them eat other things whole. How fucking cool would that be? Cosmo’ss thought went on vacation as his body was near crushed under the weight of Simon’s constricting bear hug. “Well supreme being damn it Sime, how the fuck have you been? Haven’t seen you since your hashish experiments. It was so impressive and cool that I planted some in my garden.” Simon was blushing now and he placed his hands on his thick curly long locks of sandy colored hair and threw them into the air. “Ah yes, the laughing root labs. Still going strong all over Tolkien.” He looked to the bartender. “Dean, give my old friend here a large Meade Plus on me.” He then turned to Cosmo. “Pound down that lame drink there and try this new one. Laced with some shit called Opium. I got it from the Ming Dynasty Galaxy. This shit kicks some serious god ass. Speaking of god ass Cosmo, what say we indulge in the new toys that arrived last week.” Of course Cosmo was game for anything, so he guzzled his plain Meade and took a sip of his Meade Plus. “Wow Simon, this shit tastes great.” Simon let a quick chuckle sneak out which actually shook the bar. “And less filling ha ha. Just wait until the Ming shit kicks in. You will feel it everywhere if you catch my drift.” Cosmo did indeed catch his drift. The stories of Simons escapades with the lady gods were legend. “Hey Simon, I am getting some intelligence enhancer for earth tomorrow. How did you get yours to work so well?” Simon took a large gulp of his Meade Plus, and wiped his huge disjointed grin with the back of his oversized paw of a hand. “Oh shit Cosmo, you are gonna love this shit, but it takes a little work. The first species I gave it to was the repojacks. I just used a dab to experiment with and they learned language almost immediately. But I made the mistake of trying to guide them telling them what they should do. One day the leader of the repojacks comes up to me and starts to bitch up a weather pattern. He says to me, ‘We can’t seem to do nothing right for you. Simon says do this, Simon says do this we do this, Simon says do that, Simon says do that we do that, but the one time we do that without Simon saying you make us start all over again. It’s like a fucking kid game or something. Then they tells me we have decided to quit your Simon sez do this game and play our own game of tag and you are not it. We are it and you can’t do nothing about it. Well I was having none of that shit so I made everyone Midas tagged turn to gold ice.” Out came the famous belly laugh as Simon was obviously quite amused with himself. In between choking laughs Simon explained how the “Mother Fuckers” inadvertently discovered freeze tag. After about six and a half minutes of uncontrollable laughing the two old friends took deep breaths and deep sips of Meade Plus. “My point being Cosmo, as tempting as it is I think it is better to not have our creations worship us. It only leads to revolts. I almost got caught by the board on that one. But, it IS your garden, so you must choose how you grow it. Make sure you give it to an appropriate species and keep both your eyes on them at all times. Just have fun and by all means do not rush things.” This being the second time today he heard this, Cosmo made a note to himself to heed the advice. He listened but he had already made most of his plans. Right now it is time to enjoy this evening.
The Meade Plus was doing its job well. Cosmo was feeling as happy as if he had had some mushroom juice. He felt the happy but not only happy he was also feeling unusually strong, especially in his god loin region. He had a sensation that his all his muscles had gotten bigger, but especially that pleasure muscle that hangs between his legs. Time now to experience the attributes of some of the new god toys.
New god toys was code for a breed of lady god pleasers that are specifically bred to help satisfy a gods sexual needs. For the Goddesses they had goddess toys as no god could fully satisfy a Lady Lords near insatiable sexual appetite. Like everything else both gods and goddesses have a strong and fervent desire for sex and a seemingly unending performance need. Unlike non-gods, they can not only last as much as 8 hours straight, they can enjoy as many as 12 partners in a row, or even at the same time. Their sexual prowess goes beyond anything any intelligent species could ever even imagine let alone perform. So new “god toys” were indeed a special treat and this new batch would be no exception.
No sooner did Cosmo and Simon get into the playroom when already the zippers of their trousers came down. As one would expect the extremely large Simon was well endowed in every area of his body. A slightly too audible gasp was heard by the first god toy that touched his play tool. Cosmo couldn’t help but look over and the appendage was so huge even he blushed. “Oh my Creator man that thing is too big. You will break the new toys as surely as I stand here in envy.” But Simon was paying him no mind and had already taken 3 toys off to ravage and enjoy. He carried one over each shoulder while the third clung with her legs tightly bound to his oak tree thigh while holding on to the joy handle with both hands. Simon disappeared into a private room and it instantaneously filled with screams, squeals, and a chorus of “Holy Shit that thing is enormous”. Cosmo had only one single god toy caressing his much less imposing yet still impressive love muscle. The god toy looked up and was instantly and happily struck by Cosmo’s good looks. He has an angular well defined face with a nose that seemed to be chiseled in place perfectly. His long dark black hair rolled over his broad shoulders in layered waves. Unlike Simon there was not a single ounce of excess body fat on his well defined muscular body. His chest puffed out proudly on its own and had just enough hair on it .His arms were like argon filled balloons. He ha a smile was every bit as engaging as Simons without a trace of the gregariousness. The god toy spoke to him. “My but you are handsome, you are by far the best looking and easiest to look at god I have ever seen. I can tell I am truly going to enjoy this assignment.” Cosmo flashed her a smile so alluring she made a soft purring sound. The second he looked at her fuscia pink eyes he knew he wanted her to be exclusive. She had tight blue and green corkscrew curls that formed bangs above the sexy eyes and her head was framed perfectly with platinum hair in the shape of a crescent. The tips that disappeared under her chin were ebony black. A sight to behold. Of course her body was bred so close to perfection it didn’t seem fair to other females. Long muscular legs with perfectly proportioned hips. He pulled her hand away from his crotch and scooped her up in his strong arms. “Then lets get a private room and begin enjoying each other.” The god toy smiled as it was the first and quite possibly last time a god would treat her so tenderly. “Have you a name young maiden? Mine is Cosmo, but I prefer to be called Coz.” God toy looked up and said “They named me Ginger, but my real Name is Mary Anne.” Cosmo smiled another winner, “Ah that’s great, I think I like Mary Anne more than Ginger. I shall refer to you as Mary Anne and request you for the entire night.” Mary Anne blushed at the thought of being an exclusive. “Are you sure you don’t want a few others Mr. Coz?” Cosmo stared at her with eyes so filled with lust and passion it would have melted the butter clear through the refrigerator door. “First of all Mary Anne, its not Mr., but just Coz, and second, I prefer to concentrate all my enjoyment on the most beautiful maid and you are by far the hottest babe in The District. And its not the Meade Plus talking.” While he was talking Cosmo, I mean Coz, unbuttoned her blouse. He reached inside and cupped her smooth and delicate lady lumps paying extra attention to the nipple. Gently twisting his fingers as he inched his lips towards her at a teasingly slow rate. Her breathing was deep and heavy and her eyes burned with desire. When he clamped his warm lips over her soft full lips their tongues exploded in a furious search. Wrapped around each other the tongues danced and twisted to a passion rhythm. She arced her hips and Cosmo pressed his groin into hers. He could feel her loin shudder beneath her skirt and was well aware of how his touch had rendered her helpless. A shit storm of physical pleasure was about to explode between her legs and Mary Anne was quite willing to set the charge. Her hips swayed rhythmically anticipating the take off of Cosmo’s missile into her love canal. T minus ten, nine, eight, and within seconds the rockets red glare disappeared deep inside of Mary Anne orbiting her pleasure zone. Her sexy lips were adorned in bright red gloss and they parted slightly to allow a sensual hum sneak out and hang in the air like giant cloud. Her large pink saucer eyes now focused on Coz’s with intent directed at satisfying him like no one before.
During their nine hours of exclusive bliss no less than eight god toys had gone in and out, pun intended, of Simons room and each lasted no more than two hours before being replaced. The squeals were non stop and Simon cold be heard roaring with delight on several occasions. By contrast, Coz had only one visitor, the very lovely Mary Anne the entire time but the squeals and roars were every bit as ferocious and ten times as passionate and meaningful. The noticeable difference was that Coz’s roars and Mary Anne’s screams had an addded tenderness and order to them. When Cosmo had finally exhausted his final lust thrust everything ounce of Mary Anne was filled with love liquid. Coz was exhausted yet overflowing with pleasure and the room was filled of the smells of nine straight hours of love making. Mary was full as well having just been injected with a massive amount of god seamen. So much had Cosmo come inside Mary Anne that every time she sneezed a handful of microscopic god sperm snuck out into the night for a moonlight walk. Conceiving child is somewhat of an occupational hazard for god toys. It isn’t common but it does happen, and like most gods Cosmo refused to use a hefty bag. The thought of pregnancy crossed his mind but by the time it got to the other side it was forgotten. Pregnancy wasn’t able to cross Mary Anne’s mind, at least not for the moment. The nine hours was normal for Cosmo but it had taken quite a toll on Mary Anne. Physically exhausted, her curly platinum blond an patchy colored hair was tussled and matted and sat like an eagles nest above her head. The tight blue and green curls all but gave up curling and lay as limp as Mary Anne herself. She stared up at the ceiling as if still stunned by an amazing dream. The smile on her face would make Simons best smile hang its head in defeat. Her smile was immobile, sitting on her face on its own accord because Mary lacked any energy. Even as Cosmo got up to leave and thanked her the happy glossed over orbs remained fixed on the ceiling. Unable to move, the smile unwilling to leave, she laid there in bed as Coz kissed her gently on the forehead and told her he would never forget her. It’s quite possible she nodded or shuddered a thank you, but if she did it was imperceptible to the naked eye. Or the naked anything else for that matter. Cosmo wrapped on Simons door and yelled out “Good bye old friend, until next time.” Perhaps it went unheard, or perhaps Simon was in a position that prohibited response, but the squeals continued albeit with less than half the enthusiasm shown earlier. It was time to get some sleep and pick up his intelligence seeds the next morn. There was much to be done. As Cosmo left the room he heard a barely perceptible moan that sounded like “mmmmm so fucking good, so fucking good, thank you Cosmo, thank god. mmmm” There was something else in the air too, something Cosmo could not recognize. It almost felt as though someone else was in the room.

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