The Cradle Of Civilization Gets Drunk


Excerpt from “Cosmo and The Garden Earth” ……J.T. Hilltop

Previously : Cosmo had blown up his dinosaur world and started his garden anew with far more intelligent species, although I suppose more intelligent could be relative.

Cosmo’s new species was eating and sexing, grunting communications, and even began an emotional outburst called laughing. Some particularly enterprising individuals saw a need for the power of the many and began to organize tribes or villages. These developers were quite slick and every community had them. So treacherous were they in fact that they convinced all the others that they actually wanted thses developers to dictate village behavior. They organized the best hunters go out to hunt food for everyone, the best builders to stay build more structures, most notably the mansion sized structures for the developers to live in, and any others would learn to grow and prepare fruits and vegetables so they could have awesome parties. The organizers created a form of controlling the food they called inventory. The organizers had the builders make fences, so they could trap animals and keep them from roaming off. This will be an important discovery years later during the agricultural revolution but for right now we need to concentrate on what everyone, god and human alike craved outside the cave.

Of course like most things in the ascent of man it all came down to sex. Men were judged by the size and usage of their spears. And all the time that the hunters were hunting and the builders were building and the vegetable growers were growing these organizers were doing the wham bam thank you for gathering maam with all the women. The men would come home all horny from hunting or building, or farming, and try to engage in sex. But the women of course were exhausted from satisfying the organizers all day long and feigned pains in their heads. No bedside spearing tonight Arrowman, I have a headache. “I sure hope this practice of refusing sex doesn’t last long” thought Cosmo. But the society carried on, the men satisfied with a once a month romp in the rocks. Once a month? This gave Cosmo another of his bright idea’s. He decided to mess up the organizers plans of daily sex by giving the females a monthly curse. So once a month, no sex for the organizers, period!

Now some of the hunters began to get suspicious. They watched as the animals they hunted engaged in the deed constantly with nary a headache claim. They started to wonder why they should do all the work, and the organizers stayed back with the women, and kept what they brought back for the community. They noticed that the builders had begun creating large dwellings for the organizers, and they always seemed to get the best fruits and vegetables for themselves. Why come to think of it, those organizers are locking up the animal skins and the fruits and vegetables and all the meat and fish that was brought back. It was the organizers that decided who got what, and it depended on how happy they were at the time. Now this was bad enough, but they began to wonder what the organizers did all day. One of the hunters wandered back into town mid day and peeked in the windows of the organizers new structure and was shocked. He gathered all the other hunters and told them the unbelievable sight he had seen. Every single woman of age was having sex with the organizers. Some organizers had two or three women at the same time doing the oddest things to his man plug. There was an immediate upheaval of anger…Cosmo was alarmed yet at the same time quite amused. “Jealousy! Greed! Anger! Just like tall god had warned. “I hope this isn’t a bad omen.”

Oh if only I could have talked to Cosmo. It was of course a bad omen. A rather significantly bad omen. There was trouble in River City and pool wasn’t even invented yet. The organizers were using the others to make their own lives more comfortable and as if that wasn’t bad enough, they were hoarding food, clothing and worst of all sex! The men were becoming increasingly possessive of their women and began forbidding them to satisfy the fat organizers. It was at that point in evolution that women realized that they could use their bodies and abilities as bargaining tools. The promise of some sex got them things they wanted and helped them to control the men. Some women went as far as to offer unusual sexual acts to organizers in exchange for more meat, or some nice animal skin coats. Sex had become as much a commodity as food was. Maybe even more. But the sad part of it all was how it turned some cave women into possessions. The better and more frequent the sex, the more ownership the man would attempt to have. Some even made their wives have sex with others in exchange for goods. It was a mess. Men began fighting with other men who tried to have sex with their partners. Men became envious of the one with much possessions as they would always have the prettier and more active women. Jealousy turned to anger and eventually carried over cross tribe rivalries as they attempted to steal women from each others clans. The clans began warfare with each other over which clan would get the whole enchilada. They began to form borders and set up fences to keep other out, and their women in. The warring evolved into raiding in which clans would steal and ravage not only the women, but the amassed stockpiles of food. In one such raid one clan had been run clear out of it homes so the thieves could steal at will. Some yeast had been inadvertently left out on a counter and was knocked into a tub of juice. Believing the juice to be ruined the raiders left the juice, and only the juice behind. When the clan finally returned they had nothing left but said juice. The leader of the clan spoke. “ Julia they have taken everything except this gnarly juice on the counter and we are all thirsty. We have nothing left but ourselves, our kids, and some fermented juice. What are we to do?” Julia was of course the resourceful wife of Ernesto so she took a sip of the juice and smiled. “Holy shit Ernesto, this juice ain‘t half bad. Not to mention it makes me feel just kind of, I don’t know, happy. Maybe not happy but more like I know everything sucks but I don’t care.” Ernesto noticed a dull looking stare in her eyes and a weird smile. He took a long swig and wiped hi lips. “You’re right Julia this juice kicks ass. And I feel that buzz sensation too.” The kids were whining and complaining and Ernesto was on his everlasting last nerve. He drank some more of the juice and yelled at his children, “Stop all the whining kids, and have some of this.” The whole clan drank well into the evening with nary a whine With a little prompting from Cosmo a thought struck Julia like a thunderbolt from the not yet made up god Thor. She shared her divine plan with her mate. “Honey, what if we trade some of this juice for what we lost. We can call it Ernesto and Julias jug whine. We can get all sorts of crap for this delightful beverage.” An on this day, trade, commerce, and industry were born. People began buying and selling, and drinking and laughing and even in the face of defeat, many had smiles thanks to the magic beverage. The side effects however, were a different story entirely.

It seemed that some of the people were unable to hold their juice very well, and numerous fights broke out, and numerous bad decisions were made, and numerous clan relationships began to suffer. The Cradle of Civilization was getting down and dirty drunk on Ernesto and Julia’s jug whine. Some couldn’t get enough of the magic juice, some started making their own, and of course the organizers figured out ways to mass produce the juice using the others to do the work. Once they had made enough, they locked in the inventory room. Then they gathered all the grapes used to make the juice. Now they had all of the juice and no one had grapes top make more. They decided to raise the trader cost of the juice. The very first system of government emerged. Anarchy!















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