Tag: satire

The Continuing Adventures Of JT Hilltop/Prison Of Love

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

prison

Breakfast with the beautiful southern belle police officer Josie “Sexy as Hell” Rae 930 at Waffle King. That didn’t leave me much time so as soon as I saw the lights turn on at Western Union I bolted inside. Amanda hooked me up with a hundred bucks which was like the third good thing to happen to me in the last 24 hours. Holy Jesus a trifecta, a good omen if ever there was three. Now I could afford a new shirt, sneakers, and still have enough left over for breakfast. Did I really offer dinner? What the Hell was I thinking? But that’s just it, I wasn’t thinking, this Josie Rae had me completely inside out. This is way more than just a little horny flirtation, although that wouldn’t be bad either. That said this feeling of cocoons opening up in my intestinal system was something I haven’t experienced in a long time. I haven’t felt like this since….Jesus shit man, …since Carrie! I’m not sure why I have this strange feeling but I did know one thing, I was gonna be at Waffle King by 930 come River Styx or high tide so I’d better get my ass moving.
I found a small clothing shop at the boardwalk which had mostly touristy shit but I was lucky enough to find a Jack Daniels Tee shirt to match my new Harley Davidson bandana. I ran up Ocean Blvd to a gas station and took a hobo shower in the bathroom actually using a bar of soap I bought at some weird store called Piggly Wiggly. I had also bought a tooth paste and shampoo and cleaned myself up as much as humanly possible inside a Shell gas station bathroom. I was feeling more than just positive, I was feeling damn near obsessed. I got directions to Waffle King and that’s exactly where I headed, this time leaving those annoying voices always putting me down at the gas station. Could this be love?
I got a nice table near the window, rearranged the waffle syrups four or six times and waited excitedly. When I spotted Josie Rae I was floored. Out of uniform she was even more stunning. Long curly blond hair that danced off her head, piercing green eyes and a small slightly upturned nose. Her smile re-opened the cocoons. She had on dark blue eye shadow and bright red lipstick. That look combined with the fact I knew she owned handcuffs tipped the scales of justice and I would confess to anything. A mysterious beauty. I couldn’t believe how smitten I had become. She looked at me with a very sexy leer and said, “Y’all have the right to remain silent. But if you do I’ll never shut up so y’all better be ready ta tell me things” She sat down and we began talking instantly as if we had known each other forever. We discussed cultural differences between north and south, compared similar experiences growing up, and every conversation came loose and easy. I had found a friend but was hoping for more. In an effort to feel her out I mentioned that I was only heading back to New York because I have nothing here. She smiled at me assuring me she could tell by the way I got ready for our date that I had nowhere to stay then she put it out there. “Well mister JT, if Y’all wanna come on home with me you can have yeself a nice hot shower and good nights sleep afore you go on yer way.” I tried to weigh the implication of intentions here but what did it matter. I win either way. If its just the plain offer it sounds like nothing lost and I leave fully refreshed, but if she’s hinting at something deeper, then I’ll go deep! “Josie Rae, I have to tell you I am whelmed. In fact I am overwhelmed. I was beginning to believe that the southern hospitality I’ve heard so much about was pure legend. I would appreciate that greatly.
As low as I was on funds I insisted on paying and as always left a nice tip. We left Waffle King and drove out of Myrtle beach towards Conway. She explained to me that Conway is much more real and much cheaper to live in than “The Beach”. We pulled into an apartment complex and her room was around back in what seemed like nowhere. The area’s around Myrtle Beach were remarkably poor, seriously impoverished area’s and this apartment which would have been basic back on Long Island was a luxury home by comparison. Once we got inside it was all I could do to stop myself from ruining everything by jumping on Josie. I maintained my composure as she went into her kitchen and pointed down the hall. “Woncha go on ahead an take a shower JT, I bet its been awhile since y’all felt a nice hot shower. I’ll git us some wine. Towels are under the sink.” She pushed me toward the bathroom and I worried maybe I was smelling ripe or something so I did as I was told and went right into the shower.
Its amazing how much we can take things for granted. The very second that hot water hit my hair and headed downward my attitude of gratitude returned. It was like the hot water was cascading onto my shoulders and chasing away all the negativity that had been clinging to me for so long then forcing it down the drain. As I peered down imagining all the bad shit running down the pipes a voice startled me. “Mind if I join ya?” I looked up and right in front of me was this beautiful angel with the sexiest southern drawl this side of Daisy Duke standing buck bone naked in front of me. Before either of us knew what was happening we were in a desperate lip lock with mouths open and tongues dancing. Embracing beneath a cascading stream of hot water I felt her body up against mine and within seconds she felt not only my body but my intentions. Rubbing our bodies together our tongues continued a desperate slippery tango and the most audible sound either of us could make were moans. I’ve heard people say they could hear fireworks going off from a kiss like this which is pretty damn accurate. My roman candle was reaching up anticipating an oncoming explosion that promised to find itself south of the border. We soaped and kissed, kissed and soaped and let me tell you if I died right then and there I’da died one happy man.
After a complete cleansing and drying we continued our assault of passion in Josies bedroom. Time ceased existing and we made love three times in a row while raising foreplay to an art form. We must have spent a few hours with very little talking, a whole lot of cuddling, and it was obvious to me we both benefited more than one orgasm. Now admittedly I hadn’t had sex in a few months so my libido was begging for release but it was far more than that. The tenderness, the closeness that had been absent from my life since Tina and I split. It was on a par with the love of my life Carrie. Not the third women to have sex with but perhaps the third woman to fall in love with. I was certain she was in love too and I was right, only it wasn’t with me. I had to remind myself to slow down because I had a reputation for falling in love with any female that shows me a modicum of attention.
After the sexual smoke cleared away the talking returned. It wasn’t good news. Josie Rae is engaged to be married. Her fiancé is away for three weeks training at some place called Quantico, some FBI training school or some shit. That hurt but Josie convinced me we can enjoy this small bit of time together before I head back home. When I thought about it I knew she was right, I had nothing to do, nowhere to be, and life has really sucked for the last two years, I deserve some great sex and the company of a beautiful woman if only for a short time. We agreed I would stay with her for two weeks but leave before her fiancé returned. That gave me plenty of time to get her to change her mind. Besides, if I can’t change her mind I’ll want a head start if a well trained FBI dude learns I’ve been boning his bride to be.
So it was I became a kept man, at least for the next two weeks. Josie and I really connected. I wasn’t ready to give it up. I stayed at home while she worked and cooked us breakfast or dinner. On nights she had off we went out dancing, on nights she worked we sat in and had wine, sex, and talk into the afternoon. Towards the end of our time together the conversation of us as a couple kept sneaking in.
“You know JT, I really does like y’all but I caint git outta what Im into. Tell y’all the truth I aint even shore if I loves Randall. It’s juss the way things is here hon, when a feller asks you at marry an your fokes want you to marry him you jess do.” The cultural divide was clear and quite probably freedom of her culture is the one thing I may represent to her that will convince her to stay with me. “That may be how it is around here Josie babe, but not back where I’m from. A girl cn do what she wants and date who she wants. Nobody tells a New York girl how to live her life. Why don’t you come back to New York and try that for a while?” Back and forth for days, neither of us giving in on the future but both of us giving our all in the bedroom. I prayed for time to go as slow here as it had when I was in prison, but time sucks. Instead it flew by.
Unfortunately that inevitable moment arrived. We both knew it was coming. Time for JT to leave and move on to the next adventure. Only thing is this time I wasn’t really sure if I wanted a new adventure. More unsettling was I still wasn’t exactly sure how I felt about Jo. Could it be love? Maybe. Not the traditional type of love but a strange and alluring love that grabs hold while your not paying attention and digs its roots deep into your soul. Our love story was a short story with the end written before it even began. A love story who‘s destiny it was to fail. It started as a time bomb of sexual tensions that made good on its promise to fulfill both our intense needs and then it was supposed to fizzle out. That was all it was supposed to be, two lovers sharing the comfort of each other for just a short time. But the sexual volcano erupted and the lava it released was strong and unfamiliar. Is this an emotional attachment? Not good! Not good at all!
We agreed from the start that before her boyfriend Randall got back home I would leave willingly as we would go our separate ways. I was sort of okay with that. No attachments, no bullshit, not strings. At the time it seemed like a good idea but I never considered that my emotions would sprout into a giant beanstalk in two short weeks and stick my head up in the clouds. I mean sex without commitment should be a young mans dream. And the sex was good, god damn was it good. Reckless abandon? That was an understatement! We often put the music on real loud to drown out our very expressive sexually motivated squeals and promises. I can’t even remember half the shit I said but the half I do remember was pretty much the both of us pleading gods name over and over louder than I ever heard before. So often and so loud you would’ve thought we were staging a Oh God Yes born again revival.
The fact that no strings were attached made it intriguing even though I dug her so much from the start. I knew when the time came I could leave no problem. That is I thought I knew. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way but I was pretty sure I did love Jo. I reasoned I was just not in love with her. At least I didn’t think I was. She understood the dark side of me the way Tina had, she fulfilled me emotionally the way Carrie had, yet I knew from the start she was unattainable. Maybe that was it, maybe just wanting something I know I can’t have is what’s driving these feelings?! One thing I was certain of is Josie and I were really good together. Our feelings for each other went so deep. Our conversations went deep. And the sex, well….deep! But it was time to discard the emotions and say good by. Who knew it would be so difficult. We laid naked in bed in a satiated silence after what was presumably our final high energy fling. Anyway we went at it as if it were our last time either of us would ever make love again in our lives. So much determination and passion we were motionless for over an hour before she spoke.
“JT Sweetie, I sweer I ain’t never gonna firget you baby. But y’all known Randall is coming back inna few days and its bess fir us both if y’all be long gone fore then.” She placed her head on my chest using her soft curls as a pillow. She tenderly reached around my shoulder to lightly scratch the back of my neck. “Why does it have to end Jo? Why can’t you come up north with me?” She moved her hand to my lips, “Shush now Justin, y’all know that caint happen. Things is way differnt down here baby. Things is expected of a gurl down here. My Mama won’t never furgive me an my Papa, well Papa ain‘t one to anger up none.…Ya don’t wanna be puttin no bee in Papa’s bonnet Honey J. I juss caint do that, my future got be with Randall. It’s done been determined already. Thats the way its spose to go. I got to think about the future.” I placed my arms around her and planted her head firmly between my neck and chin to caress her with my cheek. “It doesn’t have to go like that. You in can be in charge of your future. You can make your own choices. There ain’t no reason you can’t leave here. Hell baby child even if its not with me why get married to someone you don’t love? Trust me, that shit don’t end well at all, I been there and it sucks.” I could feel a tear on her cheek. She sat up, “JT, that’s not how life is here in Conway South Carolina. I gotta answer to Jesus. I know y’all don unerstand that but it means a lot here Baby Boy. A girls folks expeck her to marry the man they wants fur her to marry, have chillen and raise them to fear the lord. Womens don’t get to do no choosin’ round here and that’s okay, way its always done been. A girls don’t wanna have no bad past cuz a past can foller her around an make her life horrible if she goes against thangs. My past is determining my future, and my past is with Randall so my future gone be with him too. Mommy an Daddy like him an he‘s gun be a good supporter. So now my future got to go that way, Sugarpie. Don’t matter none what I want.” I looked at her incredulously. “That’s not true Jo it matters very much what you want. Its your life pretty girl. Your past only determines who you were not who you are. Its what leads you to your present but it sure ain‘t who you are today. You can’t live in the past Babydoll that’s over. Your past is gone, you own your future and if you want your future to be with me all you need do is say so.” I gently kissed her on the temple. “Listen to your heart Jo, what’s your heart saying? The heart knows because the heart lives in the present and begs you for a future. A future that you want, not what god or Jesus or your mom and dad want, but what Josie Rae wants! You’re not defined by your past and you can rewrite your future Sweet Thing. Listen to your heart. I think I hear it whispering my name.” She smiled a half smile that told me a hundred sad stories. The story of the past two weeks being over, o a girl and a boy sharing the most perfect moment in time before time runs out. The story of a beautiful girl who is chained to a pre-determined destiny and is not willing to break free. It teased her with what could be while at the same time mercilessly reminded her of her fate. It told of deep stories of sadness and defeat, told by a lonely girl who believes she has no control over her own life so she‘s giving up. Stories of things gone by and things to come, but not the story of the now, the right here. No stories of a happy ever after with me or of endless possibilities. The smile was fighting a sadness underneath below a profound stare with eyes that confirmed her feeling of hopelessness. “Weeze all defined by our pasts JT, ain’t none of us can rewrite the future no matter how much we want to. The heart lives in the present but its afraid of breaking. Like mine is right this second. I dint never spect this to be so hard baby. I aint even sure how it happened, but we had us two weeks of bliss and I ain‘t sorry bout a second of it. But it got an endin sugar, I‘m sorry but as much as it hurts me this song is got to be over. Every song ends. I done wannit to stop neither but that’s my life honeypie. Things happen for a reason an we juss gotta figger out what the reason fur us was.”
We embraced deep in thought for a few minutes. This feeling was so foreign to me. Fuck man, am I starting to grow up? I’m not sure why but I still wasn’t ready to let this all just slip away, “Jo baby listen” I sat up and took her hands in mine. We stared into each others soul with piercing compassion. Our eyes embraced. “The past doesn’t matter Josie Rae. You done things in the past and I done things in the past but that’s history, not destiny. Maybe its our destiny to look beyond our pasts and think about a future. I never really thought that things happen for a reason, like fate or anything. I always believed everything was random and just happened. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe shits not just random. All the things that happened to me were so we could meet. That’s why I took a trip with people I knew I had no business being with. That’s why I got busted and stuck in jail. To meet you. I learned a lot about myself doing my time in prison. Maybe I was in prison to straighten my head and to get ready for you and me.” Now her smile was thoughtful, she was fully aware she was in complete control of everything. One of the things I love about her. (did I say love?) “Sweetie, you wasn’t in no prison. You was in jail Baby Boy. You spent time incarcerated in a southern jail, and maybe you sure enough did do some growin there, but it was just a jail, not a prison. People like you an me we own our prisons. We carry our prisons right here on our backs. It sure nuff don’t seem right but thets how it is fur us dreamers. We dream but we ain’t never in control of our dreams, not really. Way I figger it weeze born with these prisons on our backs, you an me. We live with them an they done remin us that no matter how hard we believe, we ain’t in control of nuthin. We likely carry’em tar graves. And we been out of our prisons for two glorious weeks, maybe the best two weeks of my life. Leastwise the happiest. That’s what I got from you hon, an that’s gun be my most precious memory. You freed me from my prison but it’s still here a waitin, right there on my back. An I got to carry it agin an agin, cuz its my prison. I sure hope it was like heaven fir you too JT. For the last two weeks Justin you let me out of prison and I will always be thankful for that. But I got to pick my prison back up tomorrow, and I recon you gonna fine yersff someone you can live with too, an you‘ll live with your prison still on yer back. Leastwise I recon you will. Lets juss firget all bout this now an just be happy with each other one last time. Lets make love once more afore you leave.”
I had no argument left, she was right. I wasn’t ready to become a good provider like Randall. I didn’t belong here and Josie doesn’t belong in New York. I do carry my prison on my back, I always had. Besides, over time she would get tired or bored of me, or worse, something bad would happen to her. No one stays with JT. Not for long anyway. That was my prison, a life that’s a plague of death or abandonment. Like I always seem to do I got hung up on someone that leaves my life. Then I push them away like I did with Carrie and Tina, or they just leave on their own like Joe, James, Ken, Bill, June, and even my mom. I put them aside and thought about the past two weeks and I gave her the most passionate kiss I was capable of. Then we made love. We made love for over an hour, not with reckless abandon this time, but with slow calculated lasting tenderness. When we finished we wrapped our arms around each other and fell asleep. We never spoke another word to each other.
When I woke up it was six o’clock so I quietly got out of bed and kissed Josie Rae Sessions on the cheek and whispered, “I don’t care what you say pretty girl, I’ll always love you.” I could swear she smiled but whether she did or not, the only fair thing for me to do for her was to exit quietly. At that moment I had truly matured. I knew I was growing up because I loved her and that’s why I had to let her go. That’s how deep my love went. I quietly let her go as I tip-toed away with my heart shattered in pieces. I would only prolong her pain and make it worse if I continued to be selfish. Sacrifice. Love comes with consequences. You gamble on some pain to enjoy the ultimate pleasure. But like everything else in my twisted world it ends. I learned a lot. How much love really can hurt, how my love for one woman could be so strong I would willingly break my own heart to allow her to follow hers. I also ;learned love never stays. Right or wrong it wasn’t for me to choose. I had my own life to focus on now. I washed up, got dressed and left. Maturity is soooo overrated. I walked out the door with exactly what I had arrived with two weeks ago, my wallet, my clothes, and the prison on my back.
TBC

The Continuing Adventures Of JT Hilltop, JT Hits The Beach

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beach

Even with my new bucket of hope and a full stomach Myrtle Beach fared no better. It seemed like everyone is looking to make a buck and few willing to part with them. I did however finally get a piece of advice that was worth listening to. I was directed toward the boardwalk and told to make sure I stopped into the Gay Dolphin to do some shopping. I admit having reservations about the shopping at first, I mean what the hell kind of store calls itself a gay porpoise. Not to mention I wasn’t rolling in money but the boardwalk did sound like my kind of place. We had some fantastic boardwalks on Long Island, Robert Moses and Jones Beach come to mind plus I had been to the grand daddy of boardwalks in Atlantic City New Jersey. Honestly though I gotta tell ya the Myrtle Beach boardwalk was pretty spectacular. Maybe it was just being at a beach again, maybe it was just being somewhere different, but whatever it was the fucking boardwalk was amazing. Full of happy people, hot looking young ladies and studly young men, old and young all decked in the latest in beachwear fashion. To my ocular enjoyment many of the ladies were clad in really tight bathing suits and after spending a month in a testosterone overloaded penal community even the ladies that may have been better off not having chosen such a snug fit looked great. As for the dudes they were all mostly tanned and toned and I suppose the ladies eyeballs enjoyed that. Although a few of the dudes did reveal far too much packaging for my eyes. Not everyone was decked out in the latest in appropriate beachwear fashion there were some definite fashion don’ts, women who were in need of more covering and men who should have considered showing less body hair and more body clothing.
The Gay Dolphin was a four or five story impressive looking glass shop but it was clearly a tourist stop filled with touristy crap. Walking on the boardwalk I found some other s shops that were great, all kinds of food and touristy clothing one shop in particular caught my eye. A Harley Davidson accessory store right there on the boardwalk. It was like a Beverly Hillbilly epiphany when it called my name, “JT, come on in, take yer shoes off an stay awhile!”
With only my emergency four dollars in my wallet I found what would one day become a family heirloom. An orange Harley bandana with a black stitching of a bike chain and the HD logo. For three seventy five it was a steal, which also crossed my mind but the last thing I needed was a shop-lifting beef on top of what I just went through. Despite being hungry and wanting a beer I blew my emergency money on a fashion statement.
I spent the day at the beach my head proudly protected by my new bandana and was living the dream in South Carolina. I was feeling great and free, so happy that nothing could rain on my parade. Well except for rain that is. A storm blew in off the ocean causing a massive chaotic rush off the beach. Like Mary’s lost lamb I followed the crowd without a clue where we were all going. With in the realm of three minutes or so it had gone from a warm sunny day, to a dark dampish day, to a rainfall, then ultimately to a downpour of rain that put on an incredible light show and thunderous stereo speaker worthy explosions. My brand new bandana was soaked in seconds. The rain came down cold drenching me and causing me to see if steam was coming of my previously sun-warmed body. People were scampering all over the place in what seemed to be chaotic. I ran under the boardwalk to seek shelter from the storm because it was a hard, hard rain gonna fall. The beach had pretty much cleared out and I sat with a few hundred ex-beachcombers waiting for the sun wondering who‘ll stop the rain. Despite all the rock and roll references I whispered to no one in particular, “fuck me”
The storm was mercifully quick but it’s effect was staggering. In it’s short half hour existence at Myrtle Beach it had created an entire new environment. The waves were choppy, the sand was dark gray and the texture of moist grainy mud. It smelled of wet sage and waffles. The boardwalk was in the process of becoming deserted as most of the people headed out to their hotels or homes or wherever. All that remained were a few hardcore surfers, hardcore beachcombers, and one lonely hardcore Long Islander who was starving once again as I had been unsuccessful at finding my old friend or making any new ones. Alone, re-depressed, and soaked to the bone I pointed myself towards the town, hung my head and meandered down the next path of my unscripted journey.
I couldn’t go back to KFC despite my hunger and it being as tempting as it was to scrounge another bucket of hope. Karma dictates storing the memory and being grateful not greedy. Time to move on and find the next experience. After tossing the idea around my head for a few hours I finally decided I needed to call my sister Amanda and plead with her to send me a little money so I can eat and begin hitchhiking back to Centerlawn. It was getting late and after following directions from a local man I found the local Western Union building. I found a pay phone down the block, called Amanda collect, and she promised to send me one hundred dollars under the one condition that I visit her before going back to Long Island. Under the circumstances it was impossible not to promise anything. All in all things were looking up. Over the next fifteen minutes I convinced myself this was the start of a phenomenal turn around and I would soon be back on track with my life. Brimming with both bravado and confidence I walked up to the doors of Western Union to pick up the money Amanda sent me. I took a deep breath preparing for my big turnaround and grabbed the handle of the door. Even with my newfound strength the door wouldn’t open. No need for a telegram to get the message. The door was locked, the building closed.
“What?! Six o’clock! Who closes at six o’clock?” Yes that’s right, the Western Union in Myrtle Beach South Carolina closes at six o’clock and it was now ten minutes past six. Disillusioned but not ready to give up I altered my strategy. Western Union opens at eight in the morning and I’ll be the first in line when it does. Just as if I was camping out in line for Grateful dead tickets I sat myself with all my meager belongings next to the door and would just sit right here until it opens in the AM. I was a tad exhausted so I closed my eyes and before I realized it I fell asleep. I woke up completely unaware of what time it may be and probably a bit confused of where I was at first.
Time passes remarkably slow when your on a cement slab listening to all the night insects and animals around. The alligators and frogs kept running around in my imagination and it wasn’t long before they were joined by rats, wolves, vultures, and maniac serial killers. Lions, and tigers and bears oh my. A sudden beam of light scared everything away. The beam was headed my way bouncing around the ground near my feet. I could tell it was coming from a flashlight. I rubbed my eyes and all I could see in the darkness was a figure in uniform. The way things have been going it had to be a cop shining the flashlight at my crumpled up self. Just fucking great I thought, the poe leece!
To my complete shock it was a sweet southern female voice that traveled into my auditory canal. “Are you allright there sir?” She called me sir which was a good sign. I hoped I remembered how to be charming, “Oh yes maam, yes I’m all right. I have an early morning meeting with a moneygram here at Western Union and I wanted to be sure I didn‘t miss it. You know, just in case I find a nice South Carolina Southern Belle to take to dinner tonight.” Truth told I have no clue what came over me. I can only assume I was either over horny or over compensating because a female cop both frightened and enticed me at the same time. “Hmmm, a nice southern belle huh? Y’all ain’t from round here, I kin tell that, whar y’all hail from?” Moment of truth. Say New York and its either real good or real bad. I got a quick look at her through the moonlight while also slightly challenged by her flashlight beam. Hard to judge her body all bulked up with cop stuff but there was what appeared to be bundled up curls of blond hair sticking from under her cap. I swore to myself she was beautiful. But again, my view was somewhat challenged and looks meant shit right now. Charm was what I needed to keep me out of trouble. There was a slightly playful tone to her beautiful southern drawl so I went with my northern charm instinct. “New York born and bred maam.” She gave me a smile that near melted my heart, “New York huh? What brings you round here at our beach? You know we gots the moes beautiful beach inna country.” I was enjoying this, I haven’t had contact with anyone outside of prison in over a month, “Well it sure is a pretty beach and I must admit your city is full of pretty women.” A quick flirt glance, “I’m an out of work chef looking for a job.” What in the hell possessed me to do or say that? “Well we could sure use us some good chefs here in Myrtle Beach. Wyoncha consider stayin round here awhile?” I was unsure what was happening to me but I was no longer in control of my vocal chords, “You know I might just do that. My name is Justin, er, JT actually, and the truth is I was left stranded here in South Carolina. I don’t know anyone here but I’m looking for a friend.” Time to place the flirt-inator in her direction. “Well Hon I’d shur like tah be ya first friend here, my name’s Josie Rae.” She stuck out her hand to shake so I got a closer look at her. Sure enough long blond hair tucked up into a police cap, and like I said a uniform that hides curves but man was she pretty. I held her hand a bit too long, “Are ya scared of me?” Like an idiot I kept our hands moving up and down in some sort of hand trance, “No maam, I’m not miss Josie Rae.” She smiled, “Then why you still shakin’ Hon?” That did it! I was hooked. Pretty, funny, sarcastic, what else could I possibly hope for? I let go of her hand, “Oh I’m sorry, I’m just not used to such a gorgeous police officer interrogating me. Perhaps you would like to interrogate me over dinner?” Those damn vocal chords are out of control. She took out a small pad and began writing, “I’m not sure about dinner Hon but I tell ya what. My shift ends at nine and I might be tempted into some breakfast at the Waffle King up the road on 17 roundabout 930. Here’s my number. If I don’t see y’all there y’all best be on yer way back to New York cause I’m likely to come hunt ya down an run y’all out of town mahseff.” She tossed me an impish smile, “Now y’all keep yerseff outta trouble there Mr. JT, don’t wanna hafta come back an lock you up. Lest wise not in jail.” She walked away. I was so excited I couldn‘t think straight .
TBC

FLEXAS

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flexas

Breaking news from JT Hilltop reporter for RUSCNN (R U Stoopid Cable News Network) the leading 24 hour Snooze News on cable.

In a dramatic move both Texas and Florida have seceded from the United States of America to form the commonwealth of Flexas. (pronounced flex ass) Both former states claim they are called Flexas because they are flexing their 1st 2nd and 13th amendment muscles to break away from the dictatorship of the presidency. They have officially declared war on the USA and the former Texans have launched an all out attack on worker bee’s, taking especially sadistic pleasure in the destruction of the Africanized killer bee’s. Their army is led by General Anesthesia who claimed, “We’ll show this communist fascist socialist sommofabitch country what real drone strikes is all about !” while in former Florida citizens have armed themselves to the tooth with weapons. “We aims to stand are groun no matter what!” Former Florida took even bolder action after bingo hour and ran all the scientists out of the commonwealth. General Dee Nyer explains, “We will put an end to all the icecap and glacier melting worries by removing both ‘global warming’ and ‘climate change’ from the already limited vocabulary of Flexans.
The new Flexas flag is all red with a pair of crossed six shooters in-between the motto’s “Stand Our Ground” and “Don‘t Trend On Us“. The Whitehouse could not be reached for a comment but reliable sources tell me there was a loud echoing din of laughter and a number of choruses of and I quote, “Don’t Mess With FlexaS” from the West Wing.
If you missed any of the story have no fear, our network promises to bring in experts, people with ridiculous opinions, political strategists for both parties, and will explain the story over and over again ad nauseum until another story comes along we can beat to death. This is JT Hilltop, R U Stoopid news….

ONE SHOT….8 Mile (an hour)

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one shot

Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity for a life reboot to seize everything you ever wanted, one moment. Would you capture it, or just let it slip. Yo

His hands are wrinkled, knees arthritic, palms sweaty and paralytic
Moms spaghetti he’ll discard again
There’s vomit on his cardigan, oops he slipped out a fart again, hope it doesn’t spot again
He’s quiet and nervous cause it was during church service
So he pretends it was gods purpose
But he dropped a bomb and he keeps forgettin
He keeps on sweating and just can’t remember
So he wrote it down and the nursing crowd gets so loud
He opens his mouth but nothing comes out
He’s choking, I’m not joking’ better get Heimlich I think he’s croaking
He’s bout to lose himself, the moment got to own it

Okay, no more M&M Bee Rabbit parodying, down to serious business

What if you could go back and change one thing from your past? Would you? And which moment? Of course you could go back to that time you took your first drink, or first joint, or not meet the person who introduced you to drugs but chances are it would only re-occur again at some other point. You could not meet and marry that one person who you regret but it may mean not having had some beautiful children, or maybe you would have been drawn to someone who did you even worse. So when a good friend asked me what I would change if I could go back and change only one thing from my past to make my present life better I had no answer. I told him “I don’t take much stock in that Wonderful Life George Bailey could have made a huge difference bullshit” Then it struck me because one of the words I used in my answer caused me to have a change of heart. The word stock. Like stock in Apple? No, I would’ve made a lot money but that’s not a paradigm shift. Stock up on Karma? Good thought, but no. It was Woodstock. How much would my life have changed if my older brother took me to Woodstock??

If I had an opportunity to go back into my timeline to make one adjustment I would choose to go back to Long Island when I was 14 and my brother was 17 smack him upside the head to tell him take his little brother to that little rock concert in upstate New York. It was almost his duty. Besides, as my big brother he was aware that my birthday was in July and Woodstock would have been the birthday present of the century. Granted at the time it only seemed as though it would be just another outdoor rock concert not the society altering rock statement of all time, but even so he should have taken me. Not that I hold it against that teenage piece of dogshit on my shoe excuse of a brother for not realizing how important it was but it kinda is on a big brothers job description. Like #1 rule, teach your little brother about coolness.

I admit that at the time I was grounded for some lame excuse my parents invented, or maybe I screwed up but that’s not what’s important. This rock concert loomed far more profound than mere parental acquiescence and would have been worth a groundation for the rest of the summer as far as I‘m concerned. At 14 years old I was ready for a Woodstock transformation. I had already made the leap from pop music to rock over a year ago when a friend in my eighth grade shop class lent me this album of his brothers by Iron Butterfly. Adios Monkees and Cowsills, hola psychedelic rock. As if the bands name itself wasn’t cool enough it had one long psychedelic song with swirling organ riffs, a killer drum solo, and some hard as hell guitar playing. Inna Gadda Da Vida! Not just music I was also building up a tolerance to cheap beer (Piels, Shlitz, PBR etc.), I knew how to remove the stems and seeds from reefer (using the album cover of Iron Butterfly) and how to portion off chunks of hash for optimal smoking pleasure. I wasn’t the best joint roller yet but practice will make perfect. I had tried uppers and downers and was primed and ready for some hallucinogens. What better place to have had my first trip than at Woodstock?

Imagine….. I’m looking around at all the weirdo’s and hippies, love children, flower children, and all the colors. So many colors and perspectives. Bending tangerine tree’s and marmalade endless skies. My brains would leave my head for a while and swirl around observing while my smile muscles stretched themselves to their limits and I would laugh for the entire weekend just taking it all in. The music would have infiltrated me ears to fill up my soul. Sometimes the music would make me dance like no one was watching and other times send me into groovy grooving trance. I would have been lifted to a higher plane, a new dimension of sight and sound absorbing all the cosmic energy the hippie counter culture had to offer. Enlightened, I would have found my Zen at age fourteen while enjoying three days of drugs, sex, and rock and roll. (Since it’s me doing the imagining it was a lot of sex. Really really good sex). I would have had a weekend of constant epiphanies, one after the other that would have left me totally altered, a new person. Basically being at Woodstock would have changed my life dramatically

Not that I was totally without rock and roll experiences I had already been to three concerts before Woodstock came around. Three Dog Night (with Stevie Wonder, Bloodrock, and Seals and Crofts), The James Gang, and Grand Funk Railroad, so it was the perfect opportunity for me to learn about outdoor rock concerts, tripping and what the hippies were all about. A bunch of my friends and I talked about going but it was mostly bravado and wishful thinking. At fourteen resources are limited. But at Seventeen my brother was the perfect age for Woodstock. Unfortunately he and his friends were far more interested in scoring with the ladies than scoring concert tickets for themselves and their little brothers. WTF? I mean they let me play football and baseball with them, they let me hang out after the games with them, hang out at the beach, I did all kinds of shit with the older kids. So why the hell did they not all get together and say “yo Jameson, why don’t we get some tickets for this Woodstock thing and take little JT?” But Nooooooooo! They wanted to get laid instead. (which probably didn’t happen that weekend anyway)

So that’s what I would change if I could go back. That would be my one shot. To force my brother to take me to Woodstock. If that had happened I would have had my first real religious out of body experience and would have converted to Hippieism much earlier than I did. Maybe even become a high (very high at times) priest, or Exalted Guru or something. I coulda been a contender. I would more than likely become focused my studies in some form of music or something or maybe seek the path of a journalist to write about important political happenings in the counter culture. Perhaps I would have been a revolutionary or at least a high (yes, very high at times) functioning member of the Peace Corps. Going to Woodstock is the one thing I can think of that would have truly changed my life. If I had that one shot, one moment to seize everything I wanted it wouldn’t have slipped away, it would have been my life changing moment. Being at Woodstock would have reshaped my entire life. Oh well, at least I have a plethora of Grateful Dead concerts on my cosmic resume…. What would you do?
PEACE

A Goat By Any Other Name (by Ian Hilltop)

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GD

A Tale by J.T. Hilltop’s Son

Growing up in the 90’s was quite a challenge. I mean the generation before had it so easy, Rock concerts every weekend, smoking weed wherever they wanted, and the only threat they got from their parents was a haircut. I’ve been told by my old man that my Grandpa used to chase him around with scissors. I mean shit dude, I can’t get away with half the shit my Pops did. He told me he used to roll joints during study hall but I can’t even carry rolling papers anywhere near school. Which brings me to my first brush with the law and the night my Dad had to come pick me up at the police station. Funny thing is my old man looks more like a criminal than I do. Oh sure my pink Mohawk looked rad and bad and all but my Dad used to be a biker outlaw. Well maybe not an outlaw biker exactly but he was a hippie tree hugging Harley owner and he still looks the same, just like a fossilized version. He’s still got a ponytail but not much on the top so he covers it with a bandana and he’s an ultra liberal peacenik. My step Mom on the other hand is not quite so liberal. Dad calls her his counter-balance, like he brought them close to the edge and she kept them both from falling over it. So I’m glad the cops called him first and not my step Mom. That night my rebel Dad came to pick me up from the cop station in a beat up VW. I had the distinct feeling he was no stranger to cop stations back in his day.
So what was my big infraction that led to handcuffs and a free ride to the cop station? I was busted for what I mentioned earlier, carrying rolling papers on school grounds. And what is significant about being on school grounds? Why it’s a drug free zone of course. Apparently that makes the crime of possessing paraphernalia for the purpose of having a good time a major offense. Dad came in looking all concerned and worried talking to the cops as if I had broken some felony weed law or something. I was praying it was just one of his little tricks to get us out of there.
Once we were out of the precinct parking lot he asked me in his calm hippie Dad voice what happened. I told him my version of the truth because we have always had a very honest relationship like that. I explained to him how we were smoking a joint before the dance at the High school and the cops came running over. Camron through his bag of weed and Stephanie tossed the joint long before they got there and it pissed them off. Not finding anything they searched us all and I had rolling papers in my pocket so they took me to the precinct for possessing drug paraphernalia on school property. A drug free zone. Straight away he gave me the like it or not its still illegal lecture, and the not ever on or near school property lecture. We drove in silence after the semi-lecture for a minute until he said, “ You mean drug free zone isn’t where you get free drugs?” He scoffed then continued, “Paraphernalia? Rolling papers? Are they fucking kidding?” The two of us laughed and my old man ran off some of his corny old cop jokes, like someone stole the toilet from the cop station and they have nothing to go on, or he points to the back seat and says he picked up a dozen donuts in case I was in serious trouble. He always admitted he felt pot should be legal like alcohol even though he doesn’t smoke it anymore. That is to say he tells me he doesn’t smoke but I have my suspicions, every once in a while I feel like my stash is a few bowls light. Anyway, bottom line my old man wasn’t a big fan of cops busting kids for having fun. I suspected my step mom Jenny felt different.
When we got a block away from home and he said, “I’m gonna have to act all mad at home cuz I gotta at least pretend to be a responsible adult and Jenny will be expecting me to ground you. I’ll need to issue some form of punishment, she’ll think that’s important but I mean fucking A, rolling papers is a fucking crime now? Look Ian, I get that it seems unfair. In fact is unfair, but that’s how the games of the establishment are played little cool man, you don’t try to beat the law, you work around it. You gotta fool them at their own game. Give them enough of what they want and let them think they have the upper hand. If you fight them they just use stronger punishment, that’s their warped mentality, to punish you harshly until you break. So here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna tell Jenny that you just made a small mistake because you were unaware of the consequences of smoking marijuana. You haven’t committed any bad crime and no one got hurt and education will work better than punishment. So you will write me a four page report, two pages on the physiological consequences, and two pages on the consequences marijuana can have on society. That way you will learn the err of your ways!” That man was a fucking genius!
We drove home and I went straight to my room. Dad explained to Jenny what was up and downplayed the incident. She apparently agreed that the report would be the best punishment and so it was set. He used that report when he and I had to go in front of the town board and they were so impressed they dropped the charge and expunged my record completely. Man I really adored that man. He could spin a story like nobody’s business. So I knew that night when he came into my room to talk about the whole situation it was a perfect time to distract him by asking him about his youth. He loves talking about his younger days in the “turbulent sixties.“ One character in particular I had always wanted to know more about was his best friend. I only met him a few times when I was young but Pops tells me he came over all the time when I was a baby. I didn’t remember that and I don’t even know his real name. My big sister and I just called him “Uncle Goatleg”. That alone had to be a good story.
“Hey Pops, you know you’ve always been so honest with me and I know you smoked back in your day, but whenever I think about what it must have been like for you growing up the one name that keeps coming to my mind is Uncle Goatleg. All I remember about him is this really nice guy with long hair and a very long beard who rode a motorcycle and drank a lot of beer. I think I remember you always being happy when he was around and I figure you call him Goatleg because of his limp. I assume it was caused by a motorcycle accident or something cause I vaguely remember your motorcycles and the two of you giving me and Molly rides wearing football helmets. Why was he called Uncle Goat-leg?” I could see a huge smile on my dads face as he reminisced. From what I recall Uncle Goat-leg was as tall as my dad and very muscular. He had very thick curly reddish brown hair that danced down over his shoulders. My dad always had a short beard, but Goat-legs chinstrap was very long. The full rust colored hair sprouted from his chin and went clear down to the middle of his chest. The hair on his face was so thick I can’t say for sure if he even had lips. Santa would have been jealous at how beautiful that beard was. Like I said, he has a bit of a limp, and he walked with the assistance of the coolest walking stick I’d ever seen. A dark red hardwood cane carved with the most magnificent black and yellow cobra snake. The head of the snake lay right at the handle with it’s mouth wide open and fangs showing so he could hold his hand inside the snakes mouth. I recall the detail of the snake as almost mesmerizing, the tiny scales, the flared head and sharp teeth were kind of menacing and I’m sure I stared at it every time he came over. Without really ever knowing Uncle Goat-leg I admired him greatly and wished he had come around more often.
“Holy shit uncle Goat-leg! I’m surprised you remember him. His biker name was Redbeard, his real name was Kevin, and we called him Uncle Goat-leg because of you and Molly. He injured his leg in a motorcycle accident. Yeah, he and I rode together a few years before I had to sell my bike. Kev had a gorgeous tricked out Harley shovelhead. What a beautiful bike. Me and Kevin go all the way back to kindergarten where we got into a fistfight over some toy or something. It was the first fight for both of us and we got sent to the principals office. While waiting, we glared each other down still pissed, and then Kevin says “I hear the principal looks like a grasshopper. A fat bald grasshopper.” I broke out laughing because he really did and we both making cricket noises and acted the fools. All through school we called him ‘Grasshopper’. We became best friends instantly and learned we only lived three blocks away from each other. Stayed best friends until he left. We did everything together rode bicycles, went to the beach, dances, girls, rock concerts, everything. We were together all the time just about all the way through school. We even learned to drive in the same car, your Uncle Jack’s Barracuda. When the time came we went to buy our first motorcycles at the same place.” I wasn’t sure what I wanted to hear more, the story of their friendship or the story of why Uncle Goat-leg left but I opted for the latter. “When did he leave and where did he go? Why did he go? Did he ride away on his bike? Do you know where he is now?” Pops chuckled, “Slow down son, it’s a bit of a story. Let me get us something to drink.” As he got up he smiled and his chuckling voice trailed off, “Always with a million questions Ian.”
When he came back a few minutes later he had a large mug of beer for himself and a soda for me. “Hey, can I have a beer?” I got the you know better than that look as he smiled. “Not this time Ian, but someday soon we’ll share a few. Tonight is all about how Uncle Goat-leg got his name. I perked up instantly. “Who started me or Molly? How old was I? Did he have the cane then?” Dad took a long swig of his beer and shook his head, “One question at a time Bud. He came over one night and you were like two and a half years old. You were full of questions even back then. You asked him over and over what happened to his leg, why does he limp, was it from the motorcycle, non stop questions. Kevin laughed and rolled up his pant leg to show you his disfigured and scarred leg. You said ’Ew gross, it looks like a goats foot.’ We laughed our asses off and then he roared, ‘Yea Ian, Uncle Goat-leg, that’s my name. I’m your Uncle Goat-leg.’ Every time he came over after that we called him Uncle Goatleg. You and your sister are the only two people in the world he’s let call him that.
TBC

Universal Brunch On District Seven

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brunch

Excerpt from Cosmo’s Guide To Cosmic Gardening
By J. T. Hilltop

After a night of love with Mary Anne the god Cosmo, in charge of the Milky Way Galaxy went to district seven to plead his case to re start his Garden Earth after throwing an asteroid at his ill thought out garden of mammoth dinosaurs. He had successfully petitioned to garner seeds with intelligence to repopulate his garden under his newly approved garden renewal program with some creatures that can think.

You say you Want An Evolution, Well you Know…….

When god sized portions of Meade and Weed are consumed even a god will suffer the effects of a hangover. Combine that with mushroom juice and whatever the hell that ‘plus’ shit was, not to mention the pleasure muscle getting an ardent workout the previous evening and it was almost difficult for Cosmo to extricate himself from the restful comfort of sleep. On any other morning he would have taken a long casual departure from his dormancy but on this day he was far too excited. The Board had approved his bid for knowledge tinkering and he had to meet up with Tall God for the obligatory lecture before actually acquiring the necessary seeds. To shake of the effects of his hangover Cosmo poured himself a cup of steaming salicylate tea, a spicy mint flavored tea that helps one focus with an added bonus of dulling head pains. Even the tea however could not erase his odd sense of paranoia. Cosmo pondered that strange feeling he had last night. Like someone else was in the room! He was certain they had engaged in their session of passion exchange alone yet the feeling nagged him that at the end of the evening someone else was in the room with them. The last time he had the odd sensation of such a paranoia was shortly before his dinosaur planet had gone to shit. Maybe a long hot shower will wash the feeling away.
A steaming shower of hot liquid methane always hit the spot. As the silvery methane beat down on his tired body he allowed an involuntary gasp sneak out. He could feel mixture of body fluids that had acquired in various parts of his body scampering down his legs in search of the drain. The gasp accompanied the fluids and Cosmo began to feel the paranoia dissipate. He reflected on his evening of unbridled passionate love making. It was somewhat unusual for a god to giving such thought about a non god but last night was exceptional on every level for Coz. Mary Anne had gone beyond meeting his sexual needs and tapped into a feeling foreign to the gratified god. Cosmo splashed some hot liquid methane on his face and shook it off. “Never get attached,” he mumbled to no one.
Freshly invigorated from the steamy liquid methane shower he applied cesium oxide in his eyes to get the red out, splashed a dab of sephora extract behind his ears smiling because he felt much better. He quickly got dressed and headed of to the Intergalactic Café where he was to meet Tall God. The Intergalactic Café was considered by most to serve the best brunch in this universe. Remarkably high glasslike ceilings look out across the vastness of the universe. The clear material is magnified at various locations to give the skies a textured look which was especially brilliant at night. Its walls were pristine white with nary a smudge anywhere, with oversize hexagonal rotating windows. Various shaped tables scattered about the dining area gave the room a random feel that borders on chaotic. The service is anything but chaotic and is the gold standard of restaurant service. The moment Cosmo walked in he was greeted by an android host. Sleek and shiny features his face was not round or oval like most beings but an almost triangular shape but with much softer edges. It’s body was cylindrical and it hovered ever so slightly off the floor and moved with grace and precision. “Welcome Mr. Cosmo. I am Valarian your host. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. Your table is ready. Your guest will arrive shortly as he has jut left the aquarium. Would you care for a Meade-mosa?“ It baffled Cosmo how these androids could know who everyone was, who they were waiting for, and could tell with pinpoint accuracy where they’re guest are at any given time. He answered as he followed the android to a table. ”Yes indeed I would love a Meade-mosa.” Meade-mos is a traditional brunch drink made with honey Meade, citronium nectar, and sparkling Nitrogena (a 180 proof alcohol). Often served with a frozen argon cube it is perhaps the tastiest morning beverage in every universe. Besides, it was also the hair of the canine that gnawed at ones head so a perfect distraction for the effects of a hangover. Cosmo sat down at his table. The table top, in the shape of a rhombus looked like a flowing river yet whatever was put on top of it sat motionless. His chair was actually in a parallel universe so it could not be seen, but it fit to ones body perfectly. To look out across the dining room filled with patrons sitting on nothing but air never ceased to amuse him. After less than 20 seconds a hologram arrived with his Meade-mosa. “Good morning Mr. Cosmo, hope you are enjoying your stay in District seven.” Cosmo loved the efficiency of the hologram service. “Yes thank you, I have been having a wonderful time, but to be honest I can’t wait to get back to my own galaxy.” Holograms rarely engage in small talk and this would be no exception. “I will return with your beverage and a menu. Your guest is arriving in ten seconds.” Poof she was gone. Great Draconius things appear and disappear so rapidly in the District.
Tall God arrived the same time as the Meade-mosa. Good morning Cosmo, I trust you had a nice evening last night?” Tall God had a very maternal look about him. He had a rather thin torso and unusually long legs and arms, but the thing that really made him tall was his oversized oval head. No less than three times the size of a normal head it gave Tall God a good ten inches over what one would normally have. On the top of the long forehead was a mat of shoulder length gold hair that seemed to have little or no sense of direction. The ends were always frayed and they formed little groups that stuck out wherever they could. But it’s his eyes that were the most astounding of his features. He had eyes that reflected millions of years of deep knowledge and wisdom. His eyes had the ability to conjure feelings of both your Mom and your Dad and either put the fear of nucleic acid or the comfort of a mothers breast depending on which you needed at that moment. Everyone joked about how his head was so large because he had the biggest brain in every universe. He was deeply revered and just about everyone hung on his every word so it was a great honor for Cosmo to be given audience. Gods have called him Tall God for so long many had completely forgotten his real name, the illustrious Dr. Emmet Einstein. Cosmo hadn’t forgotten and vowed to find a way to immortalize the brown skinned god on Garden Earth. “Yes Doctor, I had one of the most amusing nights I’ve had in a long time. The sexual God toys you mentioned were even more special then you led me to believe.” Tall God chuckled. It wasn’t often he was called doctor and it obviously made him feel good. “Yes indeed my son. I was at the Jehovah Bar and Grill last night and heard that you had teamed up with your old pal Simon. Were you able to keep up with the lad?” Even Tall God knew of Simons reputation. “Simon had indeed lived up to expectations and then some. As for me sir, I had a most beautiful exclusive.” Tall Gods expression instantly contorted into concern. “Exclusive? Dangerous thing to go exclusive, you should exercise more promiscuous activity. Nothing good can come of all night exclusive. But you’re a big god Cosmo.” His face took a jump back to happy glowing eyes. “Anyway, let us eat. I took the liberty of ordering us some radiated Scree and flash fried Oswaft.” This was local District 7 favorite brunch served with some highly caffeinated Stimlithium. “An astute choice sir, exactly what the mathematician ordered.“ The two indulged hungrily as Cosmo released more detail of his overnight stay.
After another 20 minutes of small talk and breakfast it was time they finally reached the point of the obligatory lecture. Cosmo was one of the many garden gods Tall god was responsible for. It was up to him to warn him of possible mischief both playful and treacherous. “You must be cautious Cosmo with dispensing this intelligence because it does not come without consequence. Some of the other galaxy gods get quite jealous of successful intelligence tampering. As well liked as you are there are still a few who would love to see you fail.” This was hard for Cosmo to believe. “Why would anyone care if I fail or succeed?’ Tall God gave the naïve gardener a well deserved condescending once over. “Cosmo Cosmo Cosmo, you are forever looking at the universe through rose colored vision orbs. There are many out there who will attempt to sabotage your dream garden to further the glory of their own success story. Your failure will lift others to a more profound level of success, to achieve what you could not. Many are already jealous of how colorful your garden has become. You will indeed have more friends than enemies but there are two or three I would keep an eye on. At any rate my friend just beware. Things are not always what they seem.“ This revelation was a shot to Cosmo’s heart. He was aware that he was too easy sometimes but rose colored vision orbs? Just in case he made a note of Tall Gods concerns. “Yes of course your right. I will be overly cautious at who comes to visit.” Again the condescending head shake. “I fear it’s the ones who do not visit you need to watch the most. But that’s enough paranoia. The most important advise I will give you is this. Intelligence comes with consequential side effects and one of the side effects will be this. The species which you endow with brains capable of reasoning will develop unique qualities. They will have a strong sense of self and of worth. They will believe themselves superior to all others and they will attempt to harness all the benefit’s the garden offers for themselves. They will come to believe that the garden was created solely for them and become arrogant and uncaring towards all other species. As well they will find much pleasure in the act of procreation, more than just as a biological tool to propagate and evolve their own species. This may seem to be beneficial to you now as we happily enjoy sex here in our world, but in your garden my friend, it will lead to many other problems Your species will learn from that enjoyment many things such as greed, jealousy, envy, and possessiveness. These attributes can be dangerous. The species will do unimaginable things to satisfy these emotions. If not tended to cautiously it can be very dangerous Cosmo, very dangerous indeed.” TBC

NOT MY BEAR TO CROSS

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bear

Following is part II from the excerpt of Twisted Tale’s of The Bible Easter special. The God Cosmo had found his companion Mary Anne pregnant with the gods son. When the time came for them to send their son down to the global spinning garden of earth they switched out their real son with the “virginal” birth child Cosmo had impregnated into the unsuspecting Mother Mary in a dream. Their child had been trained his entire life to take over as the son of God Cosmo and spread the word…….

Previously in Part I:

Remember that dude Herod, and the salad loving Caesar? They were none to happy. Neither in fact was the hierarchy of the Jewish religion. Seems like Jesus was gonna have some splainin’ to do to the Romans as well as the Jews. Apparently hey don’t like having their authority challenged. Something evil was afoot.

Part II Not My Bear To Cross
Cosmo felt an evil wind blowing across District Seven causing him profound alarm. Immediately he arranged for his boy Jesus to sneak away from his ministries on Garden Earth for a secret meeting and update. First though it was they’re ritual father and son meteor ball catch. After a few lightning quick hardballs both father and son rubbed their sore hands and sat down together. “So Pops, how’s everything with Mom?” Como hugged his son. “She is well J, she enjoyed the wedding reception but that’s not why I’m here son. My god intuition senses are tingling with bad omen tremors. I’m worried something is not right in the garden beds. How are things going on here for you?” Jesus shrugged his shoulders, “Well it’s not easy Pops. I have my disciples and my family behind me, and some other follower but it’s going kinda slow. I pulled off that fake miracle at the wedding rception and that got me a lot of new followers but I still need to do something big. I gotta tell ya Pops, for some reason they call you God, not Cosmo or A god, but God Almighty. They are scared shitless of you.” Cosmos eyes sparkled with a touch of pride but his recent agita was still a concern “Yes, yes, I see how they act, we need to nip that in the bud quick but we have bigger fishermen to fry here my son. Those people will come around, I‘ll give you some undeniable miracles for that. First though I need to warn you to watch your back. There are some evil people looking to take you down so just be careful. Don’t take anyone or anything for granted. I’m a bit suspicious of a few of your disciples there.” Jesus adored his father, “Okay Dad, I promise, I’ll be extra vigilant and I’ll have the guys fully vetted again just to make sure. Now what’s your cool garden plan?” Cosmo was beaming with pride, “Here’s the deal. I’m gonna help you and create some more of them miracle things that work so well. I’ll have you heal a couple of fake lepers, you know change their spots and all, and let’s see….Walk on water, yea that’s it we’ll have you walk on water. That should convince the shit out of any doubtful diner that you’re the real deal three course meal. That will convince just about everyone to believe in you. Then all you need do is get them back on the correct path of life so they can live amongst each other they way I meant for them too. You’ll teach them how to live a good life co-existing with the rest of the living things in our garden. It will once again be one big happy garden party.” Jesus gave it some deep thought. “Easier said than done Dad but you know I’ll do my best. I think I have a few cards left up my sleeve.” Cosmo gave his son a stern glare, “Its not what’s up your sleeve that concerns me, its what’s in your pants. Which brings to mind son, what are your intentions with Miss Magdalene? Have you vetted her fully?” Now it was Jesus turn to glow with pride. “She’s a looker eh Dad? I think I may bring her back to the District some day. I really do like her, I’m not using her and yes I had her checked six ways to Sunday. She worships the ground I walk on. And she also worships my rod and staff.” The glare morphed into a knowing man to man smile. “Just be careful boy, men have been known to do some pretty crazy shit for a woman. Now you better get going. I’ll get started on your miracles right now. Your disciples are all out fishing in the Jordan River and their boat is stuck. When you get down there I will freeze the river just under your steps long enough for you to walk out and pull them to safety. A very crowd has already gathered fearing the worst. After that it’s up to you.” Jesus shook his head in admirable disbelief, “You are the bomb Dad.

An uneasiness was still in the air and for good reason. Unbeknownst to Cosmo and his enthusiastic son there was a new sheriff was in town. It was sheriff Satan Bear and man was he ever mean. Definitely not someone to have on your bad side, double cross, or even single cross. Worst thing about Satan Bear is Jesus was his natural enemy who was raised to kill him. Unfortunately though, he would sonn become a crossed bear. Satan Bear was weaponized because he was the child of Cosmo’s first attempt at immaculate conception with Mother Mary. The first child born to save the world was supposed to be male but unfortunately for her the chromosomes got mixed up. They named her Rosemary after the herb and instead of being the savior she was nothing more than Jesus’ older sister. She couldn’t penetrate the glass ceiling (or penetrate anything else if ya know what I mean), so she was overlooked and forgotten. Rosemary was filled with resentment and dedicated her life to avenging her younger brother for becoming the savior over her because of his gender. She enlisted the help and sperm of a disgruntled ex friend of Cosmo named Lucifer from the galaxy of Dante’s Inferno. Lucifer was half god-half bear and more than happy to service Rosemary sexually and allowing love to grow where Rosemary flows. Together they conceived an ornery son they named Satan Bear based on his bloodline and his looks. He was an ugly red haired ginge of a demi-god with the face of an ogre but the body of a grizzly bear with a personality most fitting. MEAN! Soon a plan would be set in motion that would end in a duel of apocalyptic proportions that would upset Eden’s applecart for an eternity. If anyone could be a threat to the J-meister it was Rosemary’s baby, all growed up.

Jesus went down to The River Jordan and just as Cosmo had promised the disciples were stuck out on the water where a huge crowd had gathered on the riverbank. Judas cried out, “Jesus, help us!” The big JC closed his eyes and started walking. True to his word his father froze the water beneath his feet with each step and gave the appearance of walking on top of the water. He grabbed the line of the boat and to the jaw dropping amazement and cantankerous cheers and applause he guided the boat to shore and saved the group of hapless fishermen. A thunderous display of accolades followed and word spread very quickly. Soon everyone had heard of this dude who claims to be the son of God walking on water, changing water into wine, healing the sick and showing compassion to the poor. With the hand of Cosmo as his guide he roamed the countryside with Mary and his band of merry marauding disciples healing and feeding and making a huge name for themselves. At one point he took one loaf of bread and fed twenty people, but by the time the story got out it had evolved into feeing thousands with only a half a loaf of bread. Jesus was rapidly becoming the most popular man on earth. They headlined Bazaars and Revivals all over the place. People everywhere spoke of his good deeds, his teachings of tolerance, and his ability to convey Gods forgiveness to those in need. But not everyone was happy about all this pomp and circumstance. Satan Bear was angrily awaiting an opportunity to ease his mothers angst, King Herod wanted “That bastards” head on a platter, and the emperor Caesar wanted nothing less than nail this Jesus guy in the act. Something had to be done about this do-gooder who was telling people they need not pay taxes. Caesar summoned one of his high priests and told him something must be one. As it turned out that high priest was none other than the minister of the sinister and friend of Satan Bear, Caiaphas. Cai playfully nicknamed Satan B “The anti-Christ” which he adored. In private meetings of Caesar, Herod, the Jewish high priests, and the leaders of Rome they set about a plan to create a more permanent solution to their problem. Caiaphas spoke to the cabal, “What then to do about Jesus of Nazareth? No riots, no armies, no fighting, no slogans, one thing I’ll say for him Jesus he’s cool. We must deal with him now. Any suggestions?” Annas, the high priest of the newly formed Roman province spoke first, “My dear Caiaphas, I have a bag of silver and you have a friend you call the anti-christ chomping at the bit to get to his uncle. I have a plan to destroy not only Jesuszilla but Godzilla as well, a kind of father and son package deal. That Judas dude is a closet druggie strung out on opium so he is uber vulnerable. Satan Bear will sell him some high grade shit and then raise the price drastically. We can force him to make a deal with the antichrist for a bag of silver and a supply of opium. We can not only get the 411 on what this Jesus fucker is doing, we can have Judas set him up in Gethsemane. After that its up to you guys who disposes of him” Caiaphas smiled one of the biggest shit eating grins any had ever seen and replied, “Annas that is brilliant. Lets go nail his ass to a cross!”
Now neither Cosmo nor Jesus had any clue what was going on and they just kept on trying to save the garden. Cosmo created more miracles to enhance Jesus’ image and Jesus kept teaching and preaching all over trying to get the youmans back to global synergetic activity. He was gaining ground but his message was being misinterpreted. He became very frustrated and began referring to Cosmo as God just like the people did, and he even went as far as to use it as a threat. “You need to seek Gods forgiveness for your sins or he will bring great misfortune upon you.” It seemed to work so much better than plain old reasoning. Then one day the mad J-man flipped his sandal strap at the Temple when he saw it filled with greedy scamsters and dishonest rip-offs. He had an absolute Temple Tantrum throwing tables and kicking everyone out. Jesus had lost it and the tides were turning against him.
After his hissy fit instead of worshipping him as before people trembled at his feet. They worshiped God and Jesus out if fear. Those flames of fear stoked and inflated his ego to a huge hard self centered Cadbury egg. What I’m saying here is went to Jesus’ heads. Both of them! He began to believe he could control these mere mortals while fornicating his way across the countryside. “Its good to be king, haha.” He was healing crippled people, lepers, and handing out forgiveness as if he himself were a full fledged god. His ego not only discouraged his chosen twelve, but a culture of distrust in Jesus was beginning to form. Sensing this Jesus decided it would be best for everyone if he threw an intimate dinner party to help clear the air.
It’s well documented how Judas betrayed Jesus just before their big dinner but there are a few undocumented occurrences that were left out. First of all it wasn’t supposed to be the last supper, it was more of an awards dinner where Jesus was gonna give props to his twelve disciples while reinstating their faith in him. Before dinner Judas came up to Jesus really high on opium looking to lock lips in a tongue tango of a kiss on Jesus. Despite the stirring in the aroused J-low’s staff Jesus refuted his moves. “Judas, it’s bad enough you betrayed me but must you do it with a snog toggle?” Iscariot was taken aback by both the thwarting of his advances as well as the fact that this savior here was already aware that he sold him out for more opium. He chose to feign ignorance but the J-ster laid it all out for him. Judas knew he was busted, “Cut out the dramatics you know very well you wanted me to do it. Fucking A, now I’m glad I told Lucifer where you would be! Go now, go on and complete your self fulfilling prophecy.” Silence spoke volumes. Judas had thrown Jesus under the bus and the camel shit was about to hit the caravan fan. Tears welled in Jesus’ eyes as he walked into the Garden of Gethsemane and the rest as they say is history. As for Judas, he went back to Lucifer for something stronger, and Lucifer of course made it way too strong and Judas OD’ed.
While The crossed Satan Bear gleefully watched Jesus was passed back and forth from Pontius Pilate, to Caesar, to King Herod until he finally met his brutal end. Thrice denied by Peter, betrayed by Jesus, no one left by his tomb but his faithful Mary Magdalene. For three days and nights she mourned her lover never leaving the grave sight. On the third day Cosmo returned to The Garden Earth from District Seven with Mary Anne. A whirlwind of emotions. They experienced denial, sorrow, grief, but most of all anger. Anger that not only had youmanity lost its way and completely missed the message of peace but they had so brutally murdered their son. They removed Jesus from his tomb and returned to their own garden to mourn him and release him into the universe completely unaware of the events taking place in their beloved garden. So hurt were they it would be over eighteen hundred youman years before they returned to The Garden Earth. Little did they know when they put in the video tape to see had been going on that they would been in for a shock that would shake their entire galaxy!

The Miracle On Thirty Fourth Steep

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easter I

Following is an excerpt from the Twisted Tale’s Easter special version of the story of creation focusing on Jesus. The God Cosmo had found his companion Mary Anne pregnant with the gods son. When the time came for them to send their son down to the global spinning garden of earth they switched out their real son with the “virginal” birth child Cosmo had impregnated into the unsuspecting Mother Mary in a dream. Their child had been trained his entire life to take over as the son of God Cosmo and spread the word. ……….. The saga continues:

The Miracle On Thirty Fourth Steep

Now it was time for part two, the long awaited Jesus bait and switch. The real Jesus had been trained and taught what to do and now had to set out an find about a dozen disciples to help him get the word of Cosmo out and fulfill his Dad‘s prophecies. Fake Jesus was extremely confused but he took to Mary Anne’s tremendous maternal instincts. Besides that she had lots of computer games left from real Jesus so it made his identity theft a bit easier to swallow. Real Jesus on the other hand really had his work cut out for him. It’s not easy making friends when you’re a long haired unemployed sandal wearing guru who introduces himself as the Messiah. But that’s what Jesus was expected to do, make everyone believe he was put in this garden to save the farm. While strolling around near the sea of Galilee he met two men named Andrew and Peter.
It took a considerable amount of convincing and a round or two of his “Jesus weed” smoke but the two new friends finally came around. Apparently a rumor had been traveling the grapevine about some son of God or something like that so they agreed to follow Jesus to hear and spread his teachings. They had some drinking buddies who worked down on the shore fishing which Jesus thought would be a great place to find new followers. With his fantastic personality and great training from Mary Anne it wasn’t long before he had a handful, twelve to be exact, of happy J-weed toking admirers who were willing to call themselves the disciples. They sat cross legged in a large circle to introduce themselves to the newfound cult. The J-man took center stage “My Name is Jesus, son of the god Cosmo. I was raised by a Jewish carpenter who taught me his trade. It’s a complicated situation I will do my best to explain. Joseph raised me as my Dad but my real father, my biological father that is, is God Cosmo creator of the Garden Earth He sent me to this planet to teach man how to live correctly. Humans have strayed from the path of God Cosmo’s circle of life by creating wars, killing creatures they don’t like, and generally fucking up the entire landscape and acting like the garden belongs to them not to every living creature. So in a way I’m here to save you from yourselves. If you guys follow me, listen and learn from me, then together we can go back to following the natural laws of life and survival. Any questions?” Of course a litany of questions rang out like “Does that mean I don’t have to serve in the military? Can we still have sex? You mean we can’t kill any animals? Etc.” Jesus held up his right hand which would soon become his signature move. “Okay, okay, I get it, you all have a lot of questions. Let me just put it this way. If you follow me and do as I say you will all live happy and lets just call it totally fulfilled lives. Now in the spirit of Disciples Anonymous let’s hear who you are and what your names are because I think we’ll be hanging together for a long time here.

Each man stood to introduce themselves. “My name is Simon, sometimes known as Peter but that’s a long complicated story. Suffice to say it’s sometimes advantageous to have an alias. My brother and I met Jesus up the road there and had a long conversation that makes total sense. I have chosen to become a disciple. I want to follow and see this world get back to where it should be.” Next Andrew stood, “I’m Peters brother Andy, or Andrew if you prefer and I too want to follow.”Some of the guys were either being coy or were properly shy, “I’m James and I‘m ready” ..“ Me too, I’m John” ….“My name is Bartholomew but you can just call me Bartman. I believe in Jesus” …“I am Phillip, you can be my body guard and you can call me Al.” Of course there is always a devils advocate, even within the disciple community, “My name is Thomas and I must admit I am somewhat skeptical but I’m willing to give this guy a shot. But as I said, my name is Tommy, not the see me feel me Tommy but Tommy the suspicious. Scratch that, I’ll stick with Thomas but I have my doubts.” Next a burly bearded Fisherman’s Weekly correspondent stood, “ I be Mathew, or the Matt Man, and unlike the doubting Tommy boy here I trust in Jesus. I plan to one day scribe his biography.” A meek voice came next, “My name is James too, but to avoid confusion just call me Jimbo.” Nearing the end at last, “Ah… my name is like Thaddeus, no jokes please I‘ve been getting shit about my name since kindergarten so please call me Thad.” Only two disciples left, “Well this is awkward, my name is Simon too. I guess I’m gonna ask other Simon if you can stay with Peter to avoid confusion.” And finally the twelfth and last man stood. He was a fisherman but he also had a part time gig as a charriot salesman and was believed to have invented the term Sleazy Sale. “Hey Y’all, I’m Judas. Judas Iscariot and I do believe in Jesus and all his teachings. I will follow him and listen and obey. You are my liege, my lord Jesus, and I will be a faithful servant unto you to the end.” With a sardonic smirk Judas surveyed the group then directly at Jesus……“Trust me.”
So it was set that the J-man had a fresh set of disciples ready to go out and shake up the garden earth. It had been quite stressful on Jesus getting to this point so the J-man decided he was due some relief with ba little R&R. He went to a house of ill repute to choose a prostitute with which to help him relieve his pent up emotions. Her name was Mary (What Another Mary?) Magdalene and she did for Jesus what Jesus’ mother had done for Cosmo. She spent hours very skillfully extracting every ounce of seminal fluid in his body and did things to him he had only had wet dreams about before. She was satisfied beyond her expectations as well, I mean who wouldn’t with Jesus being half god and all, and she had a never ending smile pasted to her cheeks. Mary sensed more than mere sexual satisfaction she felt a deep connection to Jesus who instead of falling asleep afterward began describing his purpose in the garden. Mary noted some remaining stress, “Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to problems that upset you oh. Don’t you know everything’s all right yes everything’s fine, let the world sleep without you tonight.” Maybe it was the sexual explosions or maybe it was her tenderness, but it touched Jesus deeply. Oh, and also she literally touched him deeply again. Jesus feel more calm and relaxed than ever before yet physically aroused. “Mary I haven’t been totally honest with you.” The J-pole sprang up to make an exclamation point, “Not only am I here to save the garden earth, but I am also the son of a god. I have a posse of 12 dudes with me and we are going to change the world. So I was thinking, would you like follow as well?” Stroking this half god’s erection things became clear to her. No wonder she had multiples! Knowing she was in for some more orgasms she smiled even wider until the 12 dudes comment struck her. Worried she was being asked to pull a 12 car train in the caboose she glared at him suspiciously. “Are you saying I should follow you or do you expect me to do what I’m about to do with all 12?” Jesus shook his head an laughed, “No, of course not, its just me and you in that way. By the way, the sex has to be our little secret. On the surface we need to appear righteous and free of sin. In private, well anything goes baby.” Mary smiled. “Okay Jesus, I’ll follow you and be your maiden.” She skillfully guided him into her forest as they entered into hour five of non stop sex. After climaxing for the umpteenth time Mary Magdalene mumbled to herself, “Changing the world huh? Ha, and they said I would never amount to anything. Wish my friends could see me now!”

Now Jesus had his core group set. At the head was Jesus himself, secretly giving head was Mary the repentant sinner, and his new band of twelve merry men strolling through the countryside giving motivational speeches and teaching classes on how to live the natural laws of life. He made a quick name for himself with people all over the Middle East talking about the son of Cosmo. That was great but he needed something big, something real big. Something that would put him over the top and get him noticed throughout the entire garden. He needed a miracle!
His real Mom Mary Anne offered another bait and switch, this time a more obvious one. “I have an idea that should work like a charm honey.” There was a high profile wedding at Thirty Fourth Steep, a high maintainence valley outside of Galilee to which both he and his mother had been invited. It was a kick ass affair but the celebration had run out of Ernest and Julia’s Galilee jug whine. Mary Annes came to Jesus and whispered, “Honey, we’re ready, they’re all out of wine, are you ready?” Jesus was indeed ready, he had four gallons of wine hidden behind a tree. He spoke very loud so all could hear what he was saying, “Peter bring me some water.” While his Mom created a distraction Jesus switched jugs with the water Peter had brought and soon the party continued with all in attendance believing he had changed the water into wine. Now the J-ster had mad street cred’s. It was all anybody talked about for the next two weeks. “Did you hear about this guy Jesus? I heard he took a gallon of water and turned it into 20 gallons of preamo whine. An urban legend was forming and it got bigger as it grew. 20 turned into 40. 40 into 100. Soon he not only turned water into wine and brought 10 huge pigs to BBQ. He carried them across the river on his shoulders! It was incredible. Everywhere you went you heard about this dude named Jesus, his hooker girlfriend, and his 12 faithful followers roaming the world feeding the poor, healing the sick, and stopping wars in the name of the god Cosmo. The towns and villages were abuzz with hope for their future. Everyone was elated. Well not really everyone. Remember that dude Herod, and the salad loving Caesar? They were none to happy. Neither in fact was the hierarchy of the Jewish religion. Seems like Jesus was gonna have some splainin’ to do to the Romans as well as the Jews. Apparently hey don’t like having their authority challenged. Something evil was afoot…TBC

A Very Haiku

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haiku

Mondays can suck so I use low brow humor to help force a smile. In tenth grade my English class was introduced to Haiku’s so my just as warped friend and I worked together to make the following two masterpieces….
I
Lifes like a lemon
So squeeze from it what you can
But don’t let it drip

II
When pigeons fly high
The sound that they make is called
A very high coo

Peace out

How Ya Gonna Keep Em Down On The Farm After They’ve Cooked Puree

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cook

the continuing adventures of J T Hilltop’s Potsink Diary
From pots and pans to rakes and snakes I took to landscaping fairly well. Sun burnt arms instead of grease burnt arms, just as hot as a kitchen, and about as physically as taxing yet still I missed cooking. It‘s been three months since the restaurant closed and fate stuck its fickle finger in my life interrupted my path to culinary enlightenment. Leaving me to care for the property of a nursing home and placing me every day at lunch just outside of the kitchen where the sounds of culinary exploits pounded out a rhythm of longing. It stirred inside of me making me miss working in a kitchen with all my soul. Aware of that fate wasn’t done tossing curve balls at my life because on one Monday I learned just what a practical joker fate can really be. Apparently destiny is equipped with a bag full of tricks containing an abyss of irony and has a knack for playing emotional table tennis with me. Like a ping pong ball I got paddled back and forth hard forcing me out of the restaurant across the net to a field of hard labor, then smashed back into another kitchen. Fred had driven me to Mimi Dee’s early in the morning to manicure the lawn while he ran about town “performing” some chores. Popular belief growing on the rumor vine claimed those chores he performed were for one of the nurses at the Huntersville location. Whatev, not my business and besides it was fine by me as it left me alone to work the property at my own pace.
Left to my resources, my new tools of the trade, and a cheap lawnmower I set out to give the yard a neat trimming and edging. A mani-pedi for the acreages of land. An hour and a half into my solo performance was the moment fate chose to sneak an ominous looking dark cumulo nimbus cloud slithering across the horizon setting up cloud camp above my head. One loud crack of sneering thunder and a few seconds later I was the focus of a drenching downpour. Not a dipping of the toe in the pool, but one soaked to the bone bucket full of rainwater followed by another. The skies blushed dark crimson as if foretelling the twisted new path fate had in store. Having become somewhat intimate with fates and destinies I had to assume that this new path would be lined with irony. “Jesus Christ this shit’s really coming down. Can’t get anything more done here so I guess I should go inside.” I mumbled it to myself to validate it was proper for me to stop work an seek shelter. As soon as I entered the back door a very familiar sense filled the room. The clanging of pots and pans as they jockeyed for position on the stove, plates chattering while being pulled and stacked from the dishwasher, and a general sense of culinary atmosphere called me by name. A private culinary symphony all for me supplied by that devious enigma called fate. The air was full with the smells of a variety of meats and vegetables with wafts of consommé memories from a large pot of chicken infused liquid hoping to one day soon become a soup. The smells and sounds were the familiar frantic state of culinary urgency shortly before service. The aura of intense pressure was reminiscent of Cavalieri’s restaurant, my one time Mecca. It was crunch time even in this institutional kitchen and I was so taken aback by my memories I shook off the rain and blurted out to the Nurse in charge of the kitchen, “Can I help? I know a bit about food.” Without a smile a very attractive Jamaican woman in a not very sexy nurses uniform yelled “I need zeese onions peeled and cut, tink you could a’handle dat?” Nary a word more need be spoken as I rushed over to the table with the onions, grabbed a familiar feeling knife and pulled out a cutting board. In a matter of minutes I had peeled, cored, and diced the onions. “What else do you need?” The Nurse stopped in mid stride and asked “You gotta all dem onions done?” I could tell she was doubting me so I held them up and said “Yup, where do you want them?” She smiled at me with a huge open mouth and I noticed a small gap in her front teeth. Suddenly something seemed more sexy about her despite the uniform. As I looked closer I realized the uniform fit pretty tight allowing me a gratuitous view of her shape. She was in her late twenties or early thirties, slender and very pretty with firm looking curves in all the right places. Her skin was smooth and silky with an exotic ebony glow. She looked at me approvingly with dark brown eyes that twinkled sweetly in contrast to the sharp authority she normally displayed on the staff. “Put day inna pot dare witt dee carrots.” When I asked her if she wanted a mirepoix I thought she was gonna run over and kiss me full on the lips. Maybe I hoped she would but either way she flashed me that huge tiny tooth gapped smile. “You do know your way round de kitchen. My name is Margie and yes, I needa celery in dare too. Tink you canna hanel dat?” Time to respond with my innuendo laced charm, “I can handle whatever you got Margie. My name is JT.” She teased back, “Zhay Tee huh? What kina name is dot, can‘t afford whole name? ” It was feeling good, cooking and flirting again, “My real name is Justin, but my friends call me JT because I am Just Thrilling to be with. It seems we are friends now so I guess you should call me JT.” “Yes indeed it do Mr. Trilling. I tink maybe we work well togetter.” She punctuated her statement with a suggestively tender wink. I won’t tell you my thoughts at that moment but they would make a beet blush. It felt great as I assisted Margie in the kitchen getting lunch together quickly and efficiently while the rain continued to pound on the back door just begging to come in for a visit. I smiled at how great it was to be back in a kitchen cooking and flirting again.
After lunch I helped clean up then went outside to put away the tools I had abandoned in the storm since the rain ended as abruptly as it had begun. As I was surveying the yard deciding what else I could do before Fred got back when I heard someone yelling my name. Margie was calling me from the front door of the mansion. When I got there she smiled a huge smile saying to me “I got some good news for you Zhay. I jus talk ‘a Misser Viero an him say you canna work here wit us inna de kitchen and aroun’ de home full time. We canna use the help and you no have to work inna da rain no more. What jew tink Jussa trilling?” There it was. Right there fate dangled its fickle tickle of decision in front of me chuckling at what ominous repercussions would come of my choice. But was it a choice or had fate already made up my mind for me? If I say I would love to Fred will be mad but if I say no I will be saying no to old man Viero and who says no to an owner? Yes also means no more shit spreading, being back in a kitchen, and the chance to do some more serious flirting. Round the clock nurses aides as well as a kitchen job. It really had felt awesome working in the kitchen with Margie. I could definitely see myself working with her and her crew of nurses. Not to mention all the young chicks who help her which I would be working with. Okay, go ahead and mention it I know I will. True I have a steady girlfriend and all, but like my Mom says, “You can look at the menu as long as you remember what your entrée is.” Not sure exactly what she meant but give her credit for trying to speak restaurantese to me. Decision was made while fate laughed. “I think I would really like that Margie, when can I start?” She looked as excited as I was and told me I should finish out the week with Fred and start next Monday. Once school starts we will work out a weekend and afternoon schedule. My new job would be to maintain the inside of the home, help in the kitchen and whatever assistance the nurses may need. All in all it seemed like it was nothing but gold, at least until I learned what new adventures were in store for me. I neglected to remind myself that things were not always what they seemed but that’s okay, I would find out in good time what new tricks fate had in store for me to tickle its devilish funny bone. As intimate as I thought I was with fate I never realized it was planning to teach me about some new adventures which would include urine stains and enema’s. I still had a lot to learn.
TBC