Following is part II from the excerpt of Twisted Tale’s of The Bible Easter special. The God Cosmo had found his companion Mary Anne pregnant with the gods son. When the time came for them to send their son down to the global spinning garden of earth they switched out their real son with the “virginal” birth child Cosmo had impregnated into the unsuspecting Mother Mary in a dream. Their child had been trained his entire life to take over as the son of God Cosmo and spread the word…….
Previously in Part I:
Remember that dude Herod, and the salad loving Caesar? They were none to happy. Neither in fact was the hierarchy of the Jewish religion. Seems like Jesus was gonna have some splainin’ to do to the Romans as well as the Jews. Apparently hey don’t like having their authority challenged. Something evil was afoot.
Part II Not My Bear To Cross
Cosmo felt an evil wind blowing across District Seven causing him profound alarm. Immediately he arranged for his boy Jesus to sneak away from his ministries on Garden Earth for a secret meeting and update. First though it was they’re ritual father and son meteor ball catch. After a few lightning quick hardballs both father and son rubbed their sore hands and sat down together. “So Pops, how’s everything with Mom?” Como hugged his son. “She is well J, she enjoyed the wedding reception but that’s not why I’m here son. My god intuition senses are tingling with bad omen tremors. I’m worried something is not right in the garden beds. How are things going on here for you?” Jesus shrugged his shoulders, “Well it’s not easy Pops. I have my disciples and my family behind me, and some other follower but it’s going kinda slow. I pulled off that fake miracle at the wedding rception and that got me a lot of new followers but I still need to do something big. I gotta tell ya Pops, for some reason they call you God, not Cosmo or A god, but God Almighty. They are scared shitless of you.” Cosmos eyes sparkled with a touch of pride but his recent agita was still a concern “Yes, yes, I see how they act, we need to nip that in the bud quick but we have bigger fishermen to fry here my son. Those people will come around, I‘ll give you some undeniable miracles for that. First though I need to warn you to watch your back. There are some evil people looking to take you down so just be careful. Don’t take anyone or anything for granted. I’m a bit suspicious of a few of your disciples there.” Jesus adored his father, “Okay Dad, I promise, I’ll be extra vigilant and I’ll have the guys fully vetted again just to make sure. Now what’s your cool garden plan?” Cosmo was beaming with pride, “Here’s the deal. I’m gonna help you and create some more of them miracle things that work so well. I’ll have you heal a couple of fake lepers, you know change their spots and all, and let’s see….Walk on water, yea that’s it we’ll have you walk on water. That should convince the shit out of any doubtful diner that you’re the real deal three course meal. That will convince just about everyone to believe in you. Then all you need do is get them back on the correct path of life so they can live amongst each other they way I meant for them too. You’ll teach them how to live a good life co-existing with the rest of the living things in our garden. It will once again be one big happy garden party.” Jesus gave it some deep thought. “Easier said than done Dad but you know I’ll do my best. I think I have a few cards left up my sleeve.” Cosmo gave his son a stern glare, “Its not what’s up your sleeve that concerns me, its what’s in your pants. Which brings to mind son, what are your intentions with Miss Magdalene? Have you vetted her fully?” Now it was Jesus turn to glow with pride. “She’s a looker eh Dad? I think I may bring her back to the District some day. I really do like her, I’m not using her and yes I had her checked six ways to Sunday. She worships the ground I walk on. And she also worships my rod and staff.” The glare morphed into a knowing man to man smile. “Just be careful boy, men have been known to do some pretty crazy shit for a woman. Now you better get going. I’ll get started on your miracles right now. Your disciples are all out fishing in the Jordan River and their boat is stuck. When you get down there I will freeze the river just under your steps long enough for you to walk out and pull them to safety. A very crowd has already gathered fearing the worst. After that it’s up to you.” Jesus shook his head in admirable disbelief, “You are the bomb Dad.
An uneasiness was still in the air and for good reason. Unbeknownst to Cosmo and his enthusiastic son there was a new sheriff was in town. It was sheriff Satan Bear and man was he ever mean. Definitely not someone to have on your bad side, double cross, or even single cross. Worst thing about Satan Bear is Jesus was his natural enemy who was raised to kill him. Unfortunately though, he would sonn become a crossed bear. Satan Bear was weaponized because he was the child of Cosmo’s first attempt at immaculate conception with Mother Mary. The first child born to save the world was supposed to be male but unfortunately for her the chromosomes got mixed up. They named her Rosemary after the herb and instead of being the savior she was nothing more than Jesus’ older sister. She couldn’t penetrate the glass ceiling (or penetrate anything else if ya know what I mean), so she was overlooked and forgotten. Rosemary was filled with resentment and dedicated her life to avenging her younger brother for becoming the savior over her because of his gender. She enlisted the help and sperm of a disgruntled ex friend of Cosmo named Lucifer from the galaxy of Dante’s Inferno. Lucifer was half god-half bear and more than happy to service Rosemary sexually and allowing love to grow where Rosemary flows. Together they conceived an ornery son they named Satan Bear based on his bloodline and his looks. He was an ugly red haired ginge of a demi-god with the face of an ogre but the body of a grizzly bear with a personality most fitting. MEAN! Soon a plan would be set in motion that would end in a duel of apocalyptic proportions that would upset Eden’s applecart for an eternity. If anyone could be a threat to the J-meister it was Rosemary’s baby, all growed up.
Jesus went down to The River Jordan and just as Cosmo had promised the disciples were stuck out on the water where a huge crowd had gathered on the riverbank. Judas cried out, “Jesus, help us!” The big JC closed his eyes and started walking. True to his word his father froze the water beneath his feet with each step and gave the appearance of walking on top of the water. He grabbed the line of the boat and to the jaw dropping amazement and cantankerous cheers and applause he guided the boat to shore and saved the group of hapless fishermen. A thunderous display of accolades followed and word spread very quickly. Soon everyone had heard of this dude who claims to be the son of God walking on water, changing water into wine, healing the sick and showing compassion to the poor. With the hand of Cosmo as his guide he roamed the countryside with Mary and his band of merry marauding disciples healing and feeding and making a huge name for themselves. At one point he took one loaf of bread and fed twenty people, but by the time the story got out it had evolved into feeing thousands with only a half a loaf of bread. Jesus was rapidly becoming the most popular man on earth. They headlined Bazaars and Revivals all over the place. People everywhere spoke of his good deeds, his teachings of tolerance, and his ability to convey Gods forgiveness to those in need. But not everyone was happy about all this pomp and circumstance. Satan Bear was angrily awaiting an opportunity to ease his mothers angst, King Herod wanted “That bastards” head on a platter, and the emperor Caesar wanted nothing less than nail this Jesus guy in the act. Something had to be done about this do-gooder who was telling people they need not pay taxes. Caesar summoned one of his high priests and told him something must be one. As it turned out that high priest was none other than the minister of the sinister and friend of Satan Bear, Caiaphas. Cai playfully nicknamed Satan B “The anti-Christ” which he adored. In private meetings of Caesar, Herod, the Jewish high priests, and the leaders of Rome they set about a plan to create a more permanent solution to their problem. Caiaphas spoke to the cabal, “What then to do about Jesus of Nazareth? No riots, no armies, no fighting, no slogans, one thing I’ll say for him Jesus he’s cool. We must deal with him now. Any suggestions?” Annas, the high priest of the newly formed Roman province spoke first, “My dear Caiaphas, I have a bag of silver and you have a friend you call the anti-christ chomping at the bit to get to his uncle. I have a plan to destroy not only Jesuszilla but Godzilla as well, a kind of father and son package deal. That Judas dude is a closet druggie strung out on opium so he is uber vulnerable. Satan Bear will sell him some high grade shit and then raise the price drastically. We can force him to make a deal with the antichrist for a bag of silver and a supply of opium. We can not only get the 411 on what this Jesus fucker is doing, we can have Judas set him up in Gethsemane. After that its up to you guys who disposes of him” Caiaphas smiled one of the biggest shit eating grins any had ever seen and replied, “Annas that is brilliant. Lets go nail his ass to a cross!”
Now neither Cosmo nor Jesus had any clue what was going on and they just kept on trying to save the garden. Cosmo created more miracles to enhance Jesus’ image and Jesus kept teaching and preaching all over trying to get the youmans back to global synergetic activity. He was gaining ground but his message was being misinterpreted. He became very frustrated and began referring to Cosmo as God just like the people did, and he even went as far as to use it as a threat. “You need to seek Gods forgiveness for your sins or he will bring great misfortune upon you.” It seemed to work so much better than plain old reasoning. Then one day the mad J-man flipped his sandal strap at the Temple when he saw it filled with greedy scamsters and dishonest rip-offs. He had an absolute Temple Tantrum throwing tables and kicking everyone out. Jesus had lost it and the tides were turning against him.
After his hissy fit instead of worshipping him as before people trembled at his feet. They worshiped God and Jesus out if fear. Those flames of fear stoked and inflated his ego to a huge hard self centered Cadbury egg. What I’m saying here is went to Jesus’ heads. Both of them! He began to believe he could control these mere mortals while fornicating his way across the countryside. “Its good to be king, haha.” He was healing crippled people, lepers, and handing out forgiveness as if he himself were a full fledged god. His ego not only discouraged his chosen twelve, but a culture of distrust in Jesus was beginning to form. Sensing this Jesus decided it would be best for everyone if he threw an intimate dinner party to help clear the air.
It’s well documented how Judas betrayed Jesus just before their big dinner but there are a few undocumented occurrences that were left out. First of all it wasn’t supposed to be the last supper, it was more of an awards dinner where Jesus was gonna give props to his twelve disciples while reinstating their faith in him. Before dinner Judas came up to Jesus really high on opium looking to lock lips in a tongue tango of a kiss on Jesus. Despite the stirring in the aroused J-low’s staff Jesus refuted his moves. “Judas, it’s bad enough you betrayed me but must you do it with a snog toggle?” Iscariot was taken aback by both the thwarting of his advances as well as the fact that this savior here was already aware that he sold him out for more opium. He chose to feign ignorance but the J-ster laid it all out for him. Judas knew he was busted, “Cut out the dramatics you know very well you wanted me to do it. Fucking A, now I’m glad I told Lucifer where you would be! Go now, go on and complete your self fulfilling prophecy.” Silence spoke volumes. Judas had thrown Jesus under the bus and the camel shit was about to hit the caravan fan. Tears welled in Jesus’ eyes as he walked into the Garden of Gethsemane and the rest as they say is history. As for Judas, he went back to Lucifer for something stronger, and Lucifer of course made it way too strong and Judas OD’ed.
While The crossed Satan Bear gleefully watched Jesus was passed back and forth from Pontius Pilate, to Caesar, to King Herod until he finally met his brutal end. Thrice denied by Peter, betrayed by Jesus, no one left by his tomb but his faithful Mary Magdalene. For three days and nights she mourned her lover never leaving the grave sight. On the third day Cosmo returned to The Garden Earth from District Seven with Mary Anne. A whirlwind of emotions. They experienced denial, sorrow, grief, but most of all anger. Anger that not only had youmanity lost its way and completely missed the message of peace but they had so brutally murdered their son. They removed Jesus from his tomb and returned to their own garden to mourn him and release him into the universe completely unaware of the events taking place in their beloved garden. So hurt were they it would be over eighteen hundred youman years before they returned to The Garden Earth. Little did they know when they put in the video tape to see had been going on that they would been in for a shock that would shake their entire galaxy!