Excerpt from Cosmo’s Guide To Cosmic Gardening
By J. T. Hilltop
After a night of love with Mary Anne the god Cosmo, in charge of the Milky Way Galaxy went to district seven to plead his case to re start his Garden Earth after throwing an asteroid at his ill thought out garden of mammoth dinosaurs. He had successfully petitioned to garner seeds with intelligence to repopulate his garden under his newly approved garden renewal program with some creatures that can think.
You say you Want An Evolution, Well you Know…….
When god sized portions of Meade and Weed are consumed even a god will suffer the effects of a hangover. Combine that with mushroom juice and whatever the hell that ‘plus’ shit was, not to mention the pleasure muscle getting an ardent workout the previous evening and it was almost difficult for Cosmo to extricate himself from the restful comfort of sleep. On any other morning he would have taken a long casual departure from his dormancy but on this day he was far too excited. The Board had approved his bid for knowledge tinkering and he had to meet up with Tall God for the obligatory lecture before actually acquiring the necessary seeds. To shake of the effects of his hangover Cosmo poured himself a cup of steaming salicylate tea, a spicy mint flavored tea that helps one focus with an added bonus of dulling head pains. Even the tea however could not erase his odd sense of paranoia. Cosmo pondered that strange feeling he had last night. Like someone else was in the room! He was certain they had engaged in their session of passion exchange alone yet the feeling nagged him that at the end of the evening someone else was in the room with them. The last time he had the odd sensation of such a paranoia was shortly before his dinosaur planet had gone to shit. Maybe a long hot shower will wash the feeling away.
A steaming shower of hot liquid methane always hit the spot. As the silvery methane beat down on his tired body he allowed an involuntary gasp sneak out. He could feel mixture of body fluids that had acquired in various parts of his body scampering down his legs in search of the drain. The gasp accompanied the fluids and Cosmo began to feel the paranoia dissipate. He reflected on his evening of unbridled passionate love making. It was somewhat unusual for a god to giving such thought about a non god but last night was exceptional on every level for Coz. Mary Anne had gone beyond meeting his sexual needs and tapped into a feeling foreign to the gratified god. Cosmo splashed some hot liquid methane on his face and shook it off. “Never get attached,” he mumbled to no one.
Freshly invigorated from the steamy liquid methane shower he applied cesium oxide in his eyes to get the red out, splashed a dab of sephora extract behind his ears smiling because he felt much better. He quickly got dressed and headed of to the Intergalactic Café where he was to meet Tall God. The Intergalactic Café was considered by most to serve the best brunch in this universe. Remarkably high glasslike ceilings look out across the vastness of the universe. The clear material is magnified at various locations to give the skies a textured look which was especially brilliant at night. Its walls were pristine white with nary a smudge anywhere, with oversize hexagonal rotating windows. Various shaped tables scattered about the dining area gave the room a random feel that borders on chaotic. The service is anything but chaotic and is the gold standard of restaurant service. The moment Cosmo walked in he was greeted by an android host. Sleek and shiny features his face was not round or oval like most beings but an almost triangular shape but with much softer edges. It’s body was cylindrical and it hovered ever so slightly off the floor and moved with grace and precision. “Welcome Mr. Cosmo. I am Valarian your host. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. Your table is ready. Your guest will arrive shortly as he has jut left the aquarium. Would you care for a Meade-mosa?“ It baffled Cosmo how these androids could know who everyone was, who they were waiting for, and could tell with pinpoint accuracy where they’re guest are at any given time. He answered as he followed the android to a table. ”Yes indeed I would love a Meade-mosa.” Meade-mos is a traditional brunch drink made with honey Meade, citronium nectar, and sparkling Nitrogena (a 180 proof alcohol). Often served with a frozen argon cube it is perhaps the tastiest morning beverage in every universe. Besides, it was also the hair of the canine that gnawed at ones head so a perfect distraction for the effects of a hangover. Cosmo sat down at his table. The table top, in the shape of a rhombus looked like a flowing river yet whatever was put on top of it sat motionless. His chair was actually in a parallel universe so it could not be seen, but it fit to ones body perfectly. To look out across the dining room filled with patrons sitting on nothing but air never ceased to amuse him. After less than 20 seconds a hologram arrived with his Meade-mosa. “Good morning Mr. Cosmo, hope you are enjoying your stay in District seven.” Cosmo loved the efficiency of the hologram service. “Yes thank you, I have been having a wonderful time, but to be honest I can’t wait to get back to my own galaxy.” Holograms rarely engage in small talk and this would be no exception. “I will return with your beverage and a menu. Your guest is arriving in ten seconds.” Poof she was gone. Great Draconius things appear and disappear so rapidly in the District.
Tall God arrived the same time as the Meade-mosa. Good morning Cosmo, I trust you had a nice evening last night?” Tall God had a very maternal look about him. He had a rather thin torso and unusually long legs and arms, but the thing that really made him tall was his oversized oval head. No less than three times the size of a normal head it gave Tall God a good ten inches over what one would normally have. On the top of the long forehead was a mat of shoulder length gold hair that seemed to have little or no sense of direction. The ends were always frayed and they formed little groups that stuck out wherever they could. But it’s his eyes that were the most astounding of his features. He had eyes that reflected millions of years of deep knowledge and wisdom. His eyes had the ability to conjure feelings of both your Mom and your Dad and either put the fear of nucleic acid or the comfort of a mothers breast depending on which you needed at that moment. Everyone joked about how his head was so large because he had the biggest brain in every universe. He was deeply revered and just about everyone hung on his every word so it was a great honor for Cosmo to be given audience. Gods have called him Tall God for so long many had completely forgotten his real name, the illustrious Dr. Emmet Einstein. Cosmo hadn’t forgotten and vowed to find a way to immortalize the brown skinned god on Garden Earth. “Yes Doctor, I had one of the most amusing nights I’ve had in a long time. The sexual God toys you mentioned were even more special then you led me to believe.” Tall God chuckled. It wasn’t often he was called doctor and it obviously made him feel good. “Yes indeed my son. I was at the Jehovah Bar and Grill last night and heard that you had teamed up with your old pal Simon. Were you able to keep up with the lad?” Even Tall God knew of Simons reputation. “Simon had indeed lived up to expectations and then some. As for me sir, I had a most beautiful exclusive.” Tall Gods expression instantly contorted into concern. “Exclusive? Dangerous thing to go exclusive, you should exercise more promiscuous activity. Nothing good can come of all night exclusive. But you’re a big god Cosmo.” His face took a jump back to happy glowing eyes. “Anyway, let us eat. I took the liberty of ordering us some radiated Scree and flash fried Oswaft.” This was local District 7 favorite brunch served with some highly caffeinated Stimlithium. “An astute choice sir, exactly what the mathematician ordered.“ The two indulged hungrily as Cosmo released more detail of his overnight stay.
After another 20 minutes of small talk and breakfast it was time they finally reached the point of the obligatory lecture. Cosmo was one of the many garden gods Tall god was responsible for. It was up to him to warn him of possible mischief both playful and treacherous. “You must be cautious Cosmo with dispensing this intelligence because it does not come without consequence. Some of the other galaxy gods get quite jealous of successful intelligence tampering. As well liked as you are there are still a few who would love to see you fail.” This was hard for Cosmo to believe. “Why would anyone care if I fail or succeed?’ Tall God gave the naïve gardener a well deserved condescending once over. “Cosmo Cosmo Cosmo, you are forever looking at the universe through rose colored vision orbs. There are many out there who will attempt to sabotage your dream garden to further the glory of their own success story. Your failure will lift others to a more profound level of success, to achieve what you could not. Many are already jealous of how colorful your garden has become. You will indeed have more friends than enemies but there are two or three I would keep an eye on. At any rate my friend just beware. Things are not always what they seem.“ This revelation was a shot to Cosmo’s heart. He was aware that he was too easy sometimes but rose colored vision orbs? Just in case he made a note of Tall Gods concerns. “Yes of course your right. I will be overly cautious at who comes to visit.” Again the condescending head shake. “I fear it’s the ones who do not visit you need to watch the most. But that’s enough paranoia. The most important advise I will give you is this. Intelligence comes with consequential side effects and one of the side effects will be this. The species which you endow with brains capable of reasoning will develop unique qualities. They will have a strong sense of self and of worth. They will believe themselves superior to all others and they will attempt to harness all the benefit’s the garden offers for themselves. They will come to believe that the garden was created solely for them and become arrogant and uncaring towards all other species. As well they will find much pleasure in the act of procreation, more than just as a biological tool to propagate and evolve their own species. This may seem to be beneficial to you now as we happily enjoy sex here in our world, but in your garden my friend, it will lead to many other problems Your species will learn from that enjoyment many things such as greed, jealousy, envy, and possessiveness. These attributes can be dangerous. The species will do unimaginable things to satisfy these emotions. If not tended to cautiously it can be very dangerous Cosmo, very dangerous indeed.” TBC