Following is an excerpt from the Twisted Tale’s Easter special version of the story of creation focusing on Jesus. The God Cosmo had found his companion Mary Anne pregnant with the gods son. When the time came for them to send their son down to the global spinning garden of earth they switched out their real son with the “virginal” birth child Cosmo had impregnated into the unsuspecting Mother Mary in a dream. Their child had been trained his entire life to take over as the son of God Cosmo and spread the word. ……….. The saga continues:
The Miracle On Thirty Fourth Steep
Now it was time for part two, the long awaited Jesus bait and switch. The real Jesus had been trained and taught what to do and now had to set out an find about a dozen disciples to help him get the word of Cosmo out and fulfill his Dad‘s prophecies. Fake Jesus was extremely confused but he took to Mary Anne’s tremendous maternal instincts. Besides that she had lots of computer games left from real Jesus so it made his identity theft a bit easier to swallow. Real Jesus on the other hand really had his work cut out for him. It’s not easy making friends when you’re a long haired unemployed sandal wearing guru who introduces himself as the Messiah. But that’s what Jesus was expected to do, make everyone believe he was put in this garden to save the farm. While strolling around near the sea of Galilee he met two men named Andrew and Peter.
It took a considerable amount of convincing and a round or two of his “Jesus weed” smoke but the two new friends finally came around. Apparently a rumor had been traveling the grapevine about some son of God or something like that so they agreed to follow Jesus to hear and spread his teachings. They had some drinking buddies who worked down on the shore fishing which Jesus thought would be a great place to find new followers. With his fantastic personality and great training from Mary Anne it wasn’t long before he had a handful, twelve to be exact, of happy J-weed toking admirers who were willing to call themselves the disciples. They sat cross legged in a large circle to introduce themselves to the newfound cult. The J-man took center stage “My Name is Jesus, son of the god Cosmo. I was raised by a Jewish carpenter who taught me his trade. It’s a complicated situation I will do my best to explain. Joseph raised me as my Dad but my real father, my biological father that is, is God Cosmo creator of the Garden Earth He sent me to this planet to teach man how to live correctly. Humans have strayed from the path of God Cosmo’s circle of life by creating wars, killing creatures they don’t like, and generally fucking up the entire landscape and acting like the garden belongs to them not to every living creature. So in a way I’m here to save you from yourselves. If you guys follow me, listen and learn from me, then together we can go back to following the natural laws of life and survival. Any questions?” Of course a litany of questions rang out like “Does that mean I don’t have to serve in the military? Can we still have sex? You mean we can’t kill any animals? Etc.” Jesus held up his right hand which would soon become his signature move. “Okay, okay, I get it, you all have a lot of questions. Let me just put it this way. If you follow me and do as I say you will all live happy and lets just call it totally fulfilled lives. Now in the spirit of Disciples Anonymous let’s hear who you are and what your names are because I think we’ll be hanging together for a long time here.
Each man stood to introduce themselves. “My name is Simon, sometimes known as Peter but that’s a long complicated story. Suffice to say it’s sometimes advantageous to have an alias. My brother and I met Jesus up the road there and had a long conversation that makes total sense. I have chosen to become a disciple. I want to follow and see this world get back to where it should be.” Next Andrew stood, “I’m Peters brother Andy, or Andrew if you prefer and I too want to follow.”Some of the guys were either being coy or were properly shy, “I’m James and I‘m ready” ..“ Me too, I’m John” ….“My name is Bartholomew but you can just call me Bartman. I believe in Jesus” …“I am Phillip, you can be my body guard and you can call me Al.” Of course there is always a devils advocate, even within the disciple community, “My name is Thomas and I must admit I am somewhat skeptical but I’m willing to give this guy a shot. But as I said, my name is Tommy, not the see me feel me Tommy but Tommy the suspicious. Scratch that, I’ll stick with Thomas but I have my doubts.” Next a burly bearded Fisherman’s Weekly correspondent stood, “ I be Mathew, or the Matt Man, and unlike the doubting Tommy boy here I trust in Jesus. I plan to one day scribe his biography.” A meek voice came next, “My name is James too, but to avoid confusion just call me Jimbo.” Nearing the end at last, “Ah… my name is like Thaddeus, no jokes please I‘ve been getting shit about my name since kindergarten so please call me Thad.” Only two disciples left, “Well this is awkward, my name is Simon too. I guess I’m gonna ask other Simon if you can stay with Peter to avoid confusion.” And finally the twelfth and last man stood. He was a fisherman but he also had a part time gig as a charriot salesman and was believed to have invented the term Sleazy Sale. “Hey Y’all, I’m Judas. Judas Iscariot and I do believe in Jesus and all his teachings. I will follow him and listen and obey. You are my liege, my lord Jesus, and I will be a faithful servant unto you to the end.” With a sardonic smirk Judas surveyed the group then directly at Jesus……“Trust me.”
So it was set that the J-man had a fresh set of disciples ready to go out and shake up the garden earth. It had been quite stressful on Jesus getting to this point so the J-man decided he was due some relief with ba little R&R. He went to a house of ill repute to choose a prostitute with which to help him relieve his pent up emotions. Her name was Mary (What Another Mary?) Magdalene and she did for Jesus what Jesus’ mother had done for Cosmo. She spent hours very skillfully extracting every ounce of seminal fluid in his body and did things to him he had only had wet dreams about before. She was satisfied beyond her expectations as well, I mean who wouldn’t with Jesus being half god and all, and she had a never ending smile pasted to her cheeks. Mary sensed more than mere sexual satisfaction she felt a deep connection to Jesus who instead of falling asleep afterward began describing his purpose in the garden. Mary noted some remaining stress, “Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to problems that upset you oh. Don’t you know everything’s all right yes everything’s fine, let the world sleep without you tonight.” Maybe it was the sexual explosions or maybe it was her tenderness, but it touched Jesus deeply. Oh, and also she literally touched him deeply again. Jesus feel more calm and relaxed than ever before yet physically aroused. “Mary I haven’t been totally honest with you.” The J-pole sprang up to make an exclamation point, “Not only am I here to save the garden earth, but I am also the son of a god. I have a posse of 12 dudes with me and we are going to change the world. So I was thinking, would you like follow as well?” Stroking this half god’s erection things became clear to her. No wonder she had multiples! Knowing she was in for some more orgasms she smiled even wider until the 12 dudes comment struck her. Worried she was being asked to pull a 12 car train in the caboose she glared at him suspiciously. “Are you saying I should follow you or do you expect me to do what I’m about to do with all 12?” Jesus shook his head an laughed, “No, of course not, its just me and you in that way. By the way, the sex has to be our little secret. On the surface we need to appear righteous and free of sin. In private, well anything goes baby.” Mary smiled. “Okay Jesus, I’ll follow you and be your maiden.” She skillfully guided him into her forest as they entered into hour five of non stop sex. After climaxing for the umpteenth time Mary Magdalene mumbled to herself, “Changing the world huh? Ha, and they said I would never amount to anything. Wish my friends could see me now!”
Now Jesus had his core group set. At the head was Jesus himself, secretly giving head was Mary the repentant sinner, and his new band of twelve merry men strolling through the countryside giving motivational speeches and teaching classes on how to live the natural laws of life. He made a quick name for himself with people all over the Middle East talking about the son of Cosmo. That was great but he needed something big, something real big. Something that would put him over the top and get him noticed throughout the entire garden. He needed a miracle!
His real Mom Mary Anne offered another bait and switch, this time a more obvious one. “I have an idea that should work like a charm honey.” There was a high profile wedding at Thirty Fourth Steep, a high maintainence valley outside of Galilee to which both he and his mother had been invited. It was a kick ass affair but the celebration had run out of Ernest and Julia’s Galilee jug whine. Mary Annes came to Jesus and whispered, “Honey, we’re ready, they’re all out of wine, are you ready?” Jesus was indeed ready, he had four gallons of wine hidden behind a tree. He spoke very loud so all could hear what he was saying, “Peter bring me some water.” While his Mom created a distraction Jesus switched jugs with the water Peter had brought and soon the party continued with all in attendance believing he had changed the water into wine. Now the J-ster had mad street cred’s. It was all anybody talked about for the next two weeks. “Did you hear about this guy Jesus? I heard he took a gallon of water and turned it into 20 gallons of preamo whine. An urban legend was forming and it got bigger as it grew. 20 turned into 40. 40 into 100. Soon he not only turned water into wine and brought 10 huge pigs to BBQ. He carried them across the river on his shoulders! It was incredible. Everywhere you went you heard about this dude named Jesus, his hooker girlfriend, and his 12 faithful followers roaming the world feeding the poor, healing the sick, and stopping wars in the name of the god Cosmo. The towns and villages were abuzz with hope for their future. Everyone was elated. Well not really everyone. Remember that dude Herod, and the salad loving Caesar? They were none to happy. Neither in fact was the hierarchy of the Jewish religion. Seems like Jesus was gonna have some splainin’ to do to the Romans as well as the Jews. Apparently hey don’t like having their authority challenged. Something evil was afoot…TBC