Tag: parody

Reboot , An Evolutionary Tale

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

reboot

Part I

Last thing I remember was sudden darkness and the sound of shattering glass all around accompanied by a coarse rhythm of twisting crunching metal. Car accident? Yes, yes that’s it, I was driving down the highway in a mad rush because I was late for work and then…..and then… then what? Everything is so damn foggy. Wait! Where am I? Feels like I’m in the haze of dry ice smoke at a rock show but maybe its?…Well it sure don’t smell like weed so probably not a rock show but where am I? What’s with all the smoky mist? I was in my car on the way to work and what? Oh shit now I remember, some asshole came across the median and right into……. Oh fuck, I was in a bad accident, I’m in a hospital. Yea, that’s it, I’m in a hospital and….. No wait, that can’t be right, the mist, no tubes or wires, no beeps, not in a bed, I’m…ah I’m in a…No! Wait! I’m fucking dead man? My flair for the dramatic not yet dead I paused for effect…..That’s when it began to settle into my head. I was killed in a car accident and now I’m in….. In where? The morgue? Heaven? Purgatory? The “Heaven Can Wait” waiting room? Is my AS2 guardian angel Clarence Odbody coming to take me away and earn his wings? But that’s not possible, I’m an existentialist, and if there is God he isn’t about to let me hang out on his turf, he’d probably send me to one of those special places I hear them talk about in churches. So then just where the Hell am I, pardon the expression? Actual Hell? As I was pondering my death fate a loudspeaker broke the unearthly silence. “Hilltop, Justin Thyme? Is there a JT Hilltop here?”
Before I heard this announcement I was merely confused. I thought I was all alone but I must be in a group of some sort and someone is paging me. Now its like “Peeewwww…. Mind blown!” Here I am trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my death when I get mind-fucked by a loudspeaker. Do I stand up or do I pretend I didn’t hear it? I was right at the point of making a decision when I noticed standing right in front of me was a young dude. “You’re JT, yes?” I gave this, this, umm, entity the once over. A nerdy looking kid somewhere in his late twenties with thick rimmed glasses and a bargain store suit that was a bit to big for his small clunky frame. He had thick but very short dark black hair and not a hint of a smile on his face. He didn’t even look my way as he was running his eyes over something on a clipboard waiting for confirmation from me. After a few seconds of silence he spoke in a monotone voice, “Don’t make this difficult Mr. Hilltop, you’re already dead so you really have nowhere else to go. Just come with me please.” He never even waited for acknowledgement just began walking away. I stood and blindly followed out of the misty mist.
At first I was kinda hoping he was in search of his lost personality but I wasn’t gonna wait to find out. I decided I would try and engage this nerd so maybe he could help acclimate me as to just where I was, “So this is your job? You come to bring the dead to their destination? Who exactly are you working for?” His pace quickened, “Something like that Mr. Hilltop. I work for no one and everyone now just come along please, no time for idle chatter.” I processed his statement. No time? Maybe he has no time but if I’m dead what the fuck do I care about time? “I have nothing but time young dude, so help an old man out here, what’s going on? Are you with the Geek Death Squad?” The nerd shook his head as though I was exasperating to him, “Mr.Hilltop you died! You have ceased to exist. You were in a car accident, a drunk driver hit you head on. Looking over your file sir it seems about as an appropriate way to die as I’ve ever seen given your pension for the bottle. That or cirrhosis anyway. Your at the terminal right now, and please no lame jokes about the name terminal its been done a few million times over the years by people far less witty than you think you are. I’m your agent assigned to take you to your Sherpa who will assist you in your transition. Now please keep quiet and continue to follow me we’re nearly there.” The only sound after his stern admonition as the tapping of our feet and the cursing under my breath.
I reached the end of a hallway feeling like my head was spinning. Not really dizzy, but constantly spinning. Grumpy the young douche-nerd opened a door speaking to someone on the other side, “I have a very uncooperative Mr. Justin Thyme Hilltop here sir. He never shuts up and he is now your problem, not mine. He’s all yours Dee.” The door opened wide so I walked inside, or actually outside. I found myself on a beautiful mountain about half the way up. Surrounded by gorgeous greenery of tree’s and shrubs, the sound of running water combined with an assortment of indefinable sounds made from various animals. An old man with long white hair complete with matching silvery beard stood in front of me. “Hey, are like Gandalf or something man? Is this Middle Earth here?” The old man smiled warmly like…..well like Gandalf actually, “No Justin, I’m not Gandalf, I’m certainly no magician or wizard and this is nothing like Middle Earth. This is Interface Mountain, I am your Sherpa, Dee Bays. Its my job to lead you back to the Mainframe after discovering your rightful place. Hopefully you can be re appropriated correctly.” I chuckled, “You’re who then and this is what now? Sorry old dude but I didn’t get a word of what the hell you just said. All I wanna know is are you the one who can tell me what exactly is going on here?” The old man had very old eyes, much older than even he himself, yet they were incredibly calming. It was as though those old eyes were a separate entity that seemed to put me at ease. Old dude placed his arm over my shoulders, “It’s okay Justin, or do you really prefer JT?” I smiled, “You can call me whatever you want but I prefer JT. How much longer do I have?” The old dude let a small laugh slip out, “Are you in a hurry JT? I can speed this up if you want?” I was pretty sure he was teasing me but just in case I answered with fear and desperation, “No,no,no, seriously, I’m in no hurry. Its just….Well my head is spinning and I feel confused.” Old dude began walking up a mountain path signaling for me to follow, “You head is spinning because of the buffering JT, it’s a side effect of dying. It will go away once your operating system is renewed. When someone dies their faith dictates their destiny, and you my friend to use a Zodiac analogy, are an Existentialist with Buddhism rising. Therefore your destiny is to reach a sort of nirvana of your own through serenity. You don’t get to reincarnate exactly, no heaven or hell for you but you get to see what really happens at the top of the Hill of Life, Interface Mountain. Some get to believe they are in heaven or hell, some Jahanna or Jahannam, still others get to believe their fates are to be placed on various cycles of life. But in the end it’s all the same, everyone goes to the top of the mountain.” I thought this over in an attempt to make sense for quite some time as I aimlessly followed him up the mountain path heading toward the sound of running water which was getting closer and closer.
Within minutes we reached the source of the sound, a running stream, where old dude sat down. “Sounds serene, yes JT?” I sat as well, “Yea serene, but why would I want serene now? I mean I’m dead right? So why wouldn’t I want to take one last fast ride with blaring rock music? What’s so cool about serenity if that’s what I’m always gonna have now?” He looked at me with a hint of curiosity, “I think you are misunderstanding JT, you’re not going to be surrounded with serenity, your going to be surrounded by nothingness. No serenity, no rides, no music, nothing! This is your last chance to enjoy the feeling serenity brings so enjoy it. Once you complete the climb its just over. Nothing, kaput, nada. Your life has ended my boy and there’s no turning back, no other worlds, nothing. Everything ceases.” Suddenly those warm comforting eyes seemed cold and dispassionate, “Well then why the fuck are we doing this? Just let me fucking die for Christ’s sake!”
The old dude stood up speaking in an exhausted tone, “Maybe its best if you finish your trek alone. You’re in such a hurry to finish dying just go on ahead by yourself, stick it yourself!” He handed me some kind of cable wire, turned and walked away. Feeling a strange aloneness I began chatting myself up, “Who fucking needs him anyway. Stick it myself? What a dick, doesn’t even speak English right. I’ll stick it myself all right. Maybe I won’t even go up the mountain, maybe I’ll just run down the stream. The fuck with him man, I’m outta here.” I turned and began following the stream towards the bottom of the mountain. “Fuck Dee Bays, I’m going where I wanna go dead or not! Stick it myself?! I‘ll stick it where the fucking sun don‘t shine baby. One last ride downstream, to hell with Interface Mountain.”
TBC

Juice Box Hero (by Not From Around Here)

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

kill

Juicebox_Hero_by_vagabondx

Standing in the rain, with his head hung low
Couldn’t have a Capri Sun, his Mom said no!
Heard the roar of the toddlers, he could picture a scene
Bit the day care worker on the leg, they all heard her scream

He grabbed one juice box, tore the straw away
Shot some juice in his eye, so the very next day
Took a six pack Juicy Juice, behind Moms refrigerator door
Didn’t know how to open it, but he knew for sure
That the one juice box, felt so good in his hands
Didn’t take to long, for him to understand

Just one juke box, straw way down low
Be the hit of the daycare, only one way to go
So he started sipping
Ain’t never gonna stop
Gotta keep on sipping
Before the juice spills out the top
An be a Juice Box hero, Hi C in his eyes
He’s a juice box hero, heard the other kids cries
Yea juice box hero, Apple and Eve in his eyes
With that one juice box, he came alive
Come alive today
So he’s gotta keep sipping
He just can’t stop
Pass another Capri
That boy has got to stay on top

And be the juice box hero
With juice in his eyes
He’s a juice box hero
At nap time he cries
Gimme one juice box
don’t gimme no lies
Just one juice box
Now he’s a juice box hero
Yea a juice box hero
Stars in his eyes
JUICE BOX!

The Seven Habits Of Highly Caffenaited People

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

habits

Independence, your freedom to have coffee
Habit 1. Be proactive. Don’t stop at one cup in the morning, go for broke and have three or four, if you’re extra tired, add a shot of espresso to each cup. Move your hands constantly, talk like an Italian hand-speak master, this way no one will notice how much your hands are shaking from all the caffeine.

Habit 2. Begin with the end in mind. Establish your daily coffee needs with wherever you get your coffee. If its with a barista be sure the coffee artist understands not only how quickly you need to caffeinate, but exactly how you like to arrive at ultimate caffeination. You have achieved caffeine nirvana once the barista makes your coffee just before you’ve even arrived. If you start at home, have the coffee maker ready before going to sleep. Set the alarm if it has one.

Habit 3. Put first things first. Be sure everyone near you in the AM understands how important it is for them the STFU before you have had a minimum of one coffee. Once trained good family members will rush a coffee to you as soon as you wake up.

Interdependence, your journey to work

Habit 4. Think win/win. You know you need to be properly caffeinated prior to arriving at work to keep you from murdering your co-workers, so plan your trip wisely. While driving choose a lane with the least amount of traffic to lower the stress of the assholes on the road that have no idea how to drive. Never place the coffee between your legs, at best everyone will think you peed your pants and at worst you’ll have extreme genital discomfort.

Habit 5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. The first part is easy, listen to what your co-worker needs are and understand that they have just as many rights as you. The second part is tricky and best practiced after a few coffees. Get your co-workers to understand you don’t give a shit about their fucking needs you only care about having another coffee. Be sure they understand to NEVER, under any circumstances have the last coffee without immediately brewing another pot. This will make things at work much clearer and understandable.

Habit 6. Synergize, create a co-operative atmosphere. Now that your co-workers understand how to best deal with a highly caffeinated person such as yourself use some guilt tactics to have them buy the type of coffee you enjoy most. Also establish the fact that anyone drinking decaf has no rights and should be forced to drink it outside in shame with the smokers.

Continuous Improvements

Habit 7. Sharpen the saw. This is important. Literally sharpen the saw and be sure all your co-workers know that you are not only capable of using the saw, but you can handle it efficiently and accurately. This will help to balance your resources.

The Devine Tragedy

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

dante 1

By J. T. Hilltop

This is my homage to one of the greatest poets and creative minds that has ever existed, Dante Alighieri. Its not meant to mock his incredible work but rather celebrate it in my own dark way taking my own creative liberties. I don’t profess to have an iota of Dante’s talent but the best way to honor an artist is to allow their inspiration to flow through your own soul, which is what I hope I did .

Part 1 (The Inferno)
Out Of The Frying Pan Into The Fire
One more for the road. Unfortunately for me that was my mantra, my raison d’etre. My mission statement was to always have one more to bring me closer to total oblivion. One more toke, one more beer, another shot another pill another tab, everything to excess. Maybe it was a design of mine to dull my mind and make my life seem more livable, or maybe I just couldn’t say no, but no matter, over indulging and sinning have always been concentric to my world. I enjoyed living on the edge, and I took Mr. Joel’s advice to heart, I laughed with the sinners instead of crying with the saints. But I am a storyteller and ever aware that every story has an end. Dying is something we all do, both sinner and saint, so I guess that’s why this ex sinner is here now, to relay my story of the afterlife according to JT, as interpreted by the poems of Dante Alighieri. Truth is I didn’t even realize I was dead at first, I thought I had passed out from my many over-indulgences on that night. I mean I truly believed I was only halfway along life’s path when I had woken from a stoned and drunken stupor in the dark wood. I mean really, a lion, leopard, and wolf in Crab Hollow? Please. However, when the three beasts began howling, growling and coming for me like I was an all you can eat buffet I decided they were not delirium tremors or hallucinations but something I better run like the wind to escape.
Shaking off a hangover is not an easy task it normally involves some coffee, a water splashing, and a few aspirin just to start but I had to make do with a quick self slap, intense head shake back an fourth and feets don’t fail me now attitude. I ran deeper into the wood with three mean ugly beasts hot on my trail.To the best of my recollection there was a charging hungry lion, a mouth licking fast leopard, an a bug eyed howling wolf with sharks teeth. They were coming fast si I had to act quickly. I needed to choose which path to take, hope that my choice was one of the paths would lead to salvation. But I was never known for my smart choices so its no surprise the path I took was not the straight way, but rather the twisted path along which the sun becomes silent. With each rapid lurch forward my lungs pounded and burned in shorter and shorter spurts. The muscles in my legs protested to the extreme work out and threatened to form a sit in but my mind overruled their objection so the running continued driven by primal fear. The path was littered with obstacles, logs, small boulders, and thickets but I negotiated them with the grace of a wildebeest. When my foot hit an unseen tequila bottle the pain shot up my shin, cracked my knee joint, making my entire lower right side numb. I remembered back to all the nature shows I’d ever seen realizing the wildebeest, graceful though it is, never fare very well but was more often the fodder of every predatory animal around. What else is gnu? At any rate it seemed appropriate that it would be a tequila bottle that ended my last hope of escape. I normally took things with a grain of salt an tequila was no exception. A kind of Karmic retribution. As I crashed to the ground my shoulder bravely led the foray into the next wave of pain that would likely precede the final pain of being torn to shreds by a trio of very strong jaws fitted with sturdy and sharp incisors. Mercifully the smashing of my cranium into a large stone put my lights out just as the hot anxious breath of the three beasts sprayed a layer of soft anticipatory saliva across my body.
To say I was confused when I woke up a second time is an understatement. I was downright flabbergasted. Did I die twice? Am I hallucinating about a hallucination? And the most perplexing question I pondered out loud, “Where the hell am I?” Believing I had asked myself a rhetorical question I was taken aback when a reply came, “No, you’re not in Hell yet JT.” I squeezed my temples together expecting some clarity to pop out but it was an unsuccessful attempt at sorting things out. Before answering this foreign voice I needed to apprise my situation by rubbing my eyes and taking a big long breath. Well the fact that I was able to take that breath was encouraging, but the voice was still a bit perplexing. I looked in the direction of the diction and sitting cross legged by a small fire was a skinny Buddha or something. At second glance he looked more like a short thin Roman wearing traditional robes if one is headed out to the local Roman bathhouse or perhaps a geeks orgy. “How do you know who I am, and who are you?” He sneered at me condescendingly, “I know who you are because I’m your guide. My name is Publius Vergilious Maro, but you can call me Virgil. I’m here to lead through the paths of death and salvation, and trust me JT, I didn’t ask for you. Your history seems somewhat self indulgent and self destructive if you ask me and I believe my time would be better spent with a plethora of other dead people.” His biting remarks were overshadowed only by the fact he called me a dead people. “Wait, what? I- I’m dead? So what are you saying Virgil, you’re my hell master? Damn man, do I need a safe word or something” I was sorry I had placed such a sarcastic inflection on his name the moment it slipped past my vocal chords. “Look JT, you showed little regard for life while you were living so don’t act so surprised to find out no one cares you’re dead. Deal with it. I could have left you with the three beasts to get chewed to death but I didn’t, I literally snatched you from the jaws of massive pain to take you through to the next stage. We have a lot to see so I suggest we get started. First things first, we will begin at the gates of Hell.”
A lot for me to digest. This Virgil dude said we were going to the gates of hell and I’m a bit concerned that’s where I’ll be left. Is that what he meant by the next stage? Am I doomed to spend all eternity with a major sunburn up to my ears in a world of defecation and rotting meat? I made the decision at that moment that hallucination or not I will apologize to Virgil and be cool with him from here on in. If there’s any possibility I can skate past Hell that’s the way to do it. But to skate, Hell will have to freeze over. “Hey Virgil, I’m sorry man, I’m a bit confused. Its not everyday you die and its taking me a while to shake off all this crazy stuff happening to me. You lead and I’ll follow, just try to keep me in the loop, okay?” Virgil smiled as though he had won some rappers beef battle or something, “No worries JT, in fact once we enter the gates there are nine loops I’ll keep you in.” His smirk left me uneasy.
I followed this scrawny Roman cynic along a dark twisted path deeper in the wood until we reached a clearing, the path leading to a huge mountain with ebony black smoke flowing out the top and fire red lava-like ooze dripping out like hot strawberry sauce cascading down a vanilla ice cream mountain. It caused my stomach to growl with envious hunger pains until I saw what was at the end of our path. A huge cave with heavy ornate wrought iron gates straight out of Transylvania. An emo’s dream come true, there were little sculpted ogres and gargoyles across both doors with hideously adorned door handles. Etchings of death heads, skeletons, monsters of all types were literally everywhere I looked on the gates. Just inside the gate was a huge statue of a three headed half man half goat kind of creature with blood dripping from all three mouths. I shivered at the sight. The stench coming from the mouth of the cave was of rotted flesh and spoiled milk. There was a pulsing dull red glow surrounding the doors. Above the doors was a plaque held by the ugliest monster any child could have imagined from under their bed. The plaque read “Lasciate ogne speranza, voi Ch’intrate” I looked to Virgil, “What’s that say, lactate on sperm you chinstrap? Is that some kind of weird Satan punishment or something?” Virgil showed his first sign of accepting me as he chuckled lightly, “No JT, that’s not what it says. You need to start taking this more serious son, the plaque reads “Abandon all hope, Ye who enter here”. This my boy is the gates of Hell where we are about to begin our voyage. Look around the outside here, see all those people?” I looked around, everywhere around the cave were people wandering aimlessly, swatting at the air and wincing in pain. They all looked confused and purposeless, with vacant eyes. Some had their heads on backwards unable to see where they were going, other had their eyes plucked clean out of their heads, an many were carrying their tongues in the hands in front of them. All of them looked lost and hideous, “Who are they, the ones that abandoned all hope?” Virgil wasn’t smiling now, he was very serious, “No JT, those are the ones stuck neither in heaven or hell. They are the souls of those who chose to do nothing when they were faced with a moral crisis, ones who could have made a difference but chose not to lift a finger, or say a word. Rumor has it that Pontius Pilate is among those souls as well as those who did not fight on the side of the angels during the Rebellion Of Angels Conflict. These souls turned their backs when asked for assistance, or guidance. Pontius could very well have kept Jesus away from Caesar but disregarded the dream sent to him into damnation from the Romans. He and all the others are assigned the punishment of an endless quest to find and save their souls, while constantly being stung by wasps an hornets. Maggots, ticks and mosquitoes eternally suck the blood and tears of their consciences. They gaze upon their faces all swollen and welt ridden to constantly remind them of the repugnance of their actions, or inactions. And these guys aren’t even in Hell, this is merely the outskirts of Hell my boy. You and I are about to descend down the nine levels of Hell. That’s where the real horrors exist.” TBC

Ode To The Alone Star State

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn Uncategorized2 Comments

texas

I forgot about the Alamo and I feel like shit
Bought some yellow roses to make up for it
Gimme some bluebonnet and sage brush too
When Y’all in Texas that’s just what you do

Thars a twelve year old bride not wearing white
The baby bump on her belly there is quite a sight
Thars a racist cowboy wearing snakeskin boots
Plus a ten gallon hat and a gun that shoots

Seems they carry guns bout wherever they go
So they can shoot a possum if it move too slow
Or maybe they bargain hunting with some live ammo
Guess that’s why tourist seasons so gol damn slow

Mmmm possum on the half shell sure sounds good
Cook the dead armadillo thar under the hood
So friggen hot the eggs they cook in the road
Add a bit of road kill n Yawl hit the mother lode

They leaves y’all a light on thar at motel six
They give ya clean sheets but got to shake it free of ticks
Went to the manager said “I got a leak in the sink”
He says “ Pee where you want son” n gave me a wink

The Texas cockroach bout a big as a kitten
Free dinner each night hope yawl like chitlin
Each room has a couch that was a cars backseat
The only television what works is in the bridal suite

Staying with a friend down at the trailer park
We sat down for a beer when he made this remark
“I think yawl aught a give me a round of applause
I married three times still got the same in-laws”

Waco -The Tower Sniper -The lone Star State
I best be leaving Galveston afore it get too late
Looking over all the pick-ups with a rifle rack
Be a hundred fifty years if even come back
Short sighted narrow minded Texarkana dream
NASCAR Monster trucks wrestling is supreme
My way or highway politics getting in the way
Of moving Texas forward much to our dismay

The try em and fry em state now uses noxious gas
The LGBT community call y’all the Big Tex-ass
If yer goal is fer you to separate I hope you will succeed
All that’s got to happen now is for alla yawl to secede

No hard feelings Texas, but seriously, lighten up a bit yawl, take yer shoes off and stay awhile. Love on another, even the ones that ain’t jus like you….Peace out Y’all

Grimmer Than Grim Tales Presents, Sinner Ella, beneath the silver spike heel slipper

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

sin

A Sick Bastards Fairly True Fairy Tale
J.T. Hilltop

Part one: Dress for the job you want to give
What’s the deal with the story of a young chick who is tossed into servitude to her jealous step sisters and overbearing step Mom who magically transforms a pumpkin into a coach and herself into a diva to seduce a rich prince, then fleeing when time catches up with her. Not only that, she happens to leave behind a slipper luring the prince into a kingdom wide search for the fantasy woman’s foot who will fill that slipper. Lost slipper? Please! More like some Jimmy Choo”s Come hump me pumps she wore to entice Princey boy. Prince have a shoe fetish maybe? What kind of trickery is used to make mice look like horses? Who is this Fairy Godmother and why did the repo-man show up at midnight? Only the sick bastard can answer these poignant questions so here is JT Hilltops version of events from his “Sick Bastards Fairly True Fairy Tales.” I’m here to unravel the salacious subplot and reveal the half truths of this sacred story. Salacious indeed, the true tale, or should I say tail, has what it takes to rise up beyond your horny expectations. I hope to make it stand up in court and render an explosive climactic verdict. Open wide!

There’s many versions of this sordid tale but the most well known and accepted by far is the version told by our old pal and inspiration behind theme parkery Walter Disney. So that can only mean in my search for truth the sick bastard will begin to take that treasured tale and twist it into a warped shell of itself. This isn’t the fairy tale your mama read you at bedtime, this is the story of the not so innocent Sinner Ella, the shapely and strikingly beautiful high heeled seductress with a secret helper and a gift of satisfying the most voracious sexual appetite that give her a much needed advantage …With a Wham Bam Whatta Slam Bibbitty Bobbity Bada Bing Bada Boo!

Once upon a bunch of thyme the 21 year old gorgeous Ella Fuchs was a good cook and sandwich maker who understood the value of a well placed sexual favor. In and out of church she was known as Sinner Ella and her list of sexual accomplishments earned her the coveted “Peoples Choice of Jumbo Golden Globes Award.” Her home movies, be they consensually filmed or secretly filmed received an XXX rating. She used her sensual piercing cobalt eyes and thick alluring lips to render her an advantage with just about everyone. Just about. Her sexual antics seldom worked at the home in which she lived with her frigid old step-mother, Lady Tremaine and her two step sisters Drizzle and Anna Sthesia who could best be described as…..well, homely. They were jealous of Sinner Ella because as a child the pretty Ella had won Bare Naked Toddlers and Tiara’s one year and was headed for fame and fortune in the erotic film industry. That is until her Mom, Clover Honeybear Boobaleboo passed away leaving her alone with her father. The old boy didn’t trust himself around his sensuous daughter so he married Lady T. to help raise her and prevent him from a life of incestuous scandal. One night he went out for a pack of cigarettes and never returned. Poor Ella was forced to live a subservient lifestyle to the step sisters and step Mom. Sinner Ella prayed that one day someone rich would come by so she could use her oral wiles on him to get him to take her away. It was a sad situation but Sinner was sure that she could lick the problem.

Lady Tremaine was concerned about the competition Ella would give her own daughters so she destroyed all of Ella’s sexy gowns and threw away all her shoes. All except the one pair that Ella had hidden away, her no fail Jimmy Choo come and get me pumps with the spike heel and ankle straps. Sinner had seduced many a man and a half dozen women using her hump inducing pumps and she knew some day they would once again tickle the libido of someone who could free her from her circumstance. Some day!

“Ella you slut make us something to eat and don’t forget to feed Lucifer.” Drizzle seemed to enjoy ordering her slave girl around but Anne Sthesia was a tad more nice, knowing that Ella had a skillful tongue. Anna called from the bathroom, “Sinner, I need a towel to dry off.” Ella knew what that meant, it was more like a moistening up than a drying off. She put some chicken in the oven, fed the cat Lucifer, then headed up to the bathroom with a load of clean and folded towels. “Put the towels down and come lick me.” Anna was sitting on the edge of the tub so Ella put the towels in the cupboard and knelt down between Anna’s knees. She gently rubbed the inside of Anna’s soft white thighs. She hadn’t even been in the shower yet. Ella traced large circles around Anna’s thighs using her soft carnal touch making Anna breath hard before bending her head forward to allow her tongue to go to work, hungrily lapping Anna’s happy patch paying extreme attention to her glee spot. Ella knew exactly where to touch Anna who was gyrating her hips around Ella’s long curly blond hair letting out a soft “Ohhhh my” Ella’s instincts took over and she expertly plied her tongue vigorously as Anna’s moans got louder and louder until she climaxed. “Oh my God Anna, come bathe with me.” The two set in the warm water as Ella tenderly washed every inch of Anna’s body with soap and saliva. No sooner had she finished bathing her when Drizzle’s voice screeched out, “Maaaaa. They’re doing it again and she’s gonna burn lunch!”

Sinner Ella quickly jumped up from the tub, dried off, dressed and ran down to the kitchen where Lady T was waiting, face all scrunched up in a scowl. “God damn you little hussy you’ll be the death of us all. Keep your slutty girlie sex crap to yourself you dyke and finish cleaning up this house. I’m taking the girls shopping to get gowns for the Princes Balls. I mean the Princes Ball on Saturday. You make sure all the chores are done and maybe I’ll let you go too.” Ella smiled to herself dreaming that she could dance with anyone let alone a Prince, but she also doubted it would ever happen. Nothing good ever happened to Ella since her father abandoned her. She worried the only dancing she would ever be involved in was pole dancing or lap dancing at the “Daddy Issues Perve Palace Bar” in town. She obeyed of course, served the chicken lunch and then cleaned the rooms of the three witches that were ruining her life. After lunch Lady T took the girls out shopping while Sinner Ella was alone in the house dancing with a broom pretending it was a man. She then used that man to sweep up all the floors, then she cleaned the dishes and straightened out the living room. She looked over at the three piles of dirty clothes thinking her chores would never end.

While scrubbing the kitchen floor Ella heard the three shop till you drop self centered ladies come home all excited. “Come Sinner Ella, come see what we got for the Princes ball.” Drizzle held up a spectacular Ann Tyler Blue sequined full length gown with a long slit up the thigh. “Ewww Mommie, I like! I bet that Prince will want to do me right there on the dance floor.” She then opened a shoe box, “Especially when he see’s my sexy calves in these black leather Prada’s here.” Sinners heart sunk a she mumbled to herself “you mean steers there sweetie, your calves blew up years ago” But the shoes were remarkable. Patent leather Saffiano pumps in Nero black with two and a half inch heels. A shiny pointed toe shoe that would reveal just the right amount of toe cleavage. Sexy yet sensible they were quite hot, but still nothing compared to Ella’s erection enticing Jimmy Choo’s. If only she could wear them to the ball and dance with the Prince. If only! Then Anna held up her gown, a fiery red Jovani full length sleeveless V neck sure to highlight her more than ample cleavage. She would surely look super sexy in that number, but worse, on top of that she would be wearing silver Manolo Blahnik’s with open toe and jeweled bows. With nearly four inch heels they came pretty close to Ella’ shoes. “Ewwww, I’m gonna look hot. The hell with the Prince, I want to do the Princes sister.” Lady T slapped her daughter, “You better get that lesbian thinking out of your head right now. That’s for little trampy whores like Ella! Get to church tomorrow and pray away that gay!” At first Anna objected, “But Mommy dearest,” then thinking the better of it just said, “You’re right Mommy, I’ll go to church.” But the telling glance she gave Ella let them all know that no gay would

be prayed away anytime soon.

Still believing her Dad would one day return it surprised Ella when Lady T showed off her newly bought wardrobe as well. Ella was now certain her step Mom was as willing to entrap the Prince with womanly wiles as her daughters. Maybe she even believed she would fare better because Lady T held up a very sexy black appliqué cocktail ball dress that would reveal almost all of her back, much of her slightly sagging cleavage, and all of her long sensual legs leaving very little to the imagination. Spaghetti straps revealed most of her smooth skinned back and breast to take center stage to any mans eye and the sheer full length see through lace bottom made it one of the sexiest dresses Ella had ever seen. But the killer was when she pulled out a pair of shoes from the shoebox. Coal black Ostrich teazers with six inch spike heels with zipper up and straps to criss cross up her calves. Ella was stunned, shoes that rivaled her very own hump me pumps. Sinner Ella hid the tears that were sneaking down her cheeks and left to her room as Lady T bragged, “You ladies may have youth on your side but I’m gonna knock that Prince’s brains and wallet off and snuggle myself right into the castle with this number. I’ll have that young stud screaming my name and Gods name in the same sentence while begging me for more. I’ll show you how to bring the sexy girls, just you watch your cougar Mom tie a leash around his royal shlong! Get ready for a new Daddy girls, Mama T is brining sexy back!”
Next: You Spin Me Right Round Baby Right Round

Noah’s Ark De Triomphe Part II

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

rain

A Hard Rains Gonna Fall

Assembling the animals was much easier than Noah had anticipated because they seemed totally compliant. Noah assumed the boss had a talk with them but rumor has it the big savior had sprayed the animal kingdom with some of his “special herb” fumes that put everything in a very mellowed out state. The herb was all the rage up in heaven. Many an angel said it was so preamo the stuff was to die for and perhaps some actually did but either way Noah got the animals all aboard and into their respective living quarters, set up his feeding schedule and then waited for the rain to start. He had set up the best luxury suite for the rhino’s up near the top where God would see how well his one horns were taken care of. Outside his entire family was ridiculed relentlessly but they did their very best to ignore all the rhetoric. Noah called out, “Guys, its time, come on aboard.” The family reluctantly climbed across the plank onto the ark. Noah pushed off the plank and addressed the large crowd that had gathered to ridicule him, “You will all be ashamed of your ignorance soon, you sin without fear of consequence but consequence is what you are about to receive.” The sardonic mob increased their jeering and added some pretty accurate rock throwing to emphasize their distain for this village idiot. When one somewhat large rock was thrown directly at Noah’s face he caught it mid air, looked upwards and hurled the rock propelling straight up and at the very second it reached its pinnacle a loud thunderclap, a bright flash of lightning, and along with the rock fell to earth the beginning of a monster rainstorm. Noah looked up to the heavens quite pleased, “Your timing is impeccable lord.”
Within seconds the ground was covered in rainwater and the skies opened up to the teardrops of a million clouds. Noah’s son Hamm was the first to speak, “Holy shit on rye toast it really is gonna rain hell down on those chortling hacks.” Hamm addressed the once jeering crowd in his loudest voice, “How do you like us now suckers?! Maybe you better get you raincoats on its gonna be the mother of all rains. Don’t just stand there, start treading, haha! Now who’s laughing?” Noah cautioned him, “Son, don’t be getting too cocky or you may get tossed overboard. The lord ha a way of over-emphasizing his points.” While Noah was trying to calm his family down a chorus of “Take me with you” and “don’t leave us out here” replaced the ridiculing as many soaking wet sinners attempted to climb onto the arc. Noah was suddenly a tad frightened so he yelled to his family, “Release the hounds. Oh an maybe some snakes too, anything that will keep those maggots off our home.” It denigrated to an epic animal versus human war with snakes biting hands of the panic stricken crowds that attempted to board the ark. Noah stood on the top deck and spoke to the crowds, “I have a prepared statements for the lord God our savior. Please quiet down and all you smaller ones keep your heads above water a little longer.”
The crowd quieted in the hopes of hearing of a second chance, or that maybe this is just a warning. Noah cleared his throat, “It is with deep regret that I inform every living creature not on this ark that I am terminating our relationship. I will make it rain forty days and nights to wipe you all from the face of the earth. It is unfortunate but I deem this world to be far too corrupt to allow any of you to continue living. I understand many of you have indeed tried your best but it is my opinion that you have all failed to follow my commandments as set down by my friend Moses. Therefore I ask you all to terminate your attempts to cling to your miserable lives and just let death visit upon you.” Seeing the tearful and remorseful crowds crying and realizing the Lord was thinking about the Noahide laws they devised for after the flood and no one name Moses has existed yet, he ad libbed a bit, “Please remember I love you all and this isn’t personal. I’m sorry for any inconvenience this has caused.” Noah headed below deck because he couldn’t stand the pains of his neighbors despite how rudely they had treated him. God came into his room, “Are you kidding me Noah? Sorry for your inconvenience? What in the fire and brimstone possessed you to say that?” Noah was still numb from being the bearer of such horrific news, “Hey I’m sorry lord, but did you see all those faces? Nobody knew what that Moses comment meant and everyone was crying. I felt bad. But forget that, they’re all gonna die anyway, come and look at the suite I set up for your one horns.” God followed Noah down the hall to the rhino room. “Well, what do you think” the beaming Noah asked. Gods jaw dropped to the ground causing a huge dent in the floor. “Noah!? What the everlasting burning place is this? Where are my Me-damn unicorns? I specifically asked you to care for unicorns, not these F bombing rhinoceros. Where arte my unicorns?” Noah became intensely worried having witnessed firsthand the big dudes wrath. “Oh no, wait. You said one horns, these were the only one horns I could find. I don’t even know what a unicorn is! Please lord, its not my fault.” Never had Noah seen anything as angry as God eyes, not even the killer stare from his wife that time he forgot his wedding anniversary. Noah cowered, “Please forgive me lord, I have sinned. No man is without sin and I fu….I fornicated upwards on the unicorns. Wait, that didn’t sound right, I mean I didn’t realize you created anything called a unicorn and I’m sorry, but this has been an extremely unpleasant odyssey. You have any idea how hard it was to get some of these animal in here? Not enough headroom for the giraffes, the elephants pooping every thirty seconds, the termites trying to eat everything along the way? And then bringing these one horns all the way up to the top deck? Holy fecal matter that wasn’t easy.” Apparently the visions it left with the supreme one touched a nerve and he began to laugh. Noah, allowing the frustrations of the past six months slip away laughed too. Within seconds the two of them were bent over in a laughing jag. Perhaps God was laughing out his frustration at losing his unicorns and Noah was laughing out his for all the shit he put up with the last six months but they both needed the release. They compose themselves after five minutes until God pointed to the Rhino’s and said “All the way to the top” breaking out into a second laugh jag. “Oh man Lord, you should have seen the buckets of elephant poop I had to remove, and the first time I fed the giraffes they threw up their entire lunch. Took twenty five minutes hahahahaha!” Eventually they both regained composure and God had to leave. Now the real work would begin for Noah, and the first step was to remove the bodies of the failed attempts of humans trying to board the Species Saver Express.
The trip was not without its difficulties as the constant rain caused major arthritic concerns for Noah and his wife and the woodpeckers constant rat-a-tat tatting was driving everyone, animals and humans bonkers. Cabin fever to the hundredth degree. Hyenas paced wildly attempting to sneak up to first class, the giraffes cut holes in the ceiling for comfort and luckily the sloth’s lived above them and were far too lazy to take advantage of exploring. The wolves somehow got into Hams wife’s closet and put on her woolen fleece coat in an attempt to fool the sheep. The sheep and the rabbits had already conceived babies. The records indicate the rabbits had forty seven but no one could stay awake long enough to count the sheep. Noah was constantly fixing the holes in the woodpeckers door. After only twenty days, only halfway through the storm it has already seemed an eternity. Something had to give.
TBC

Noah’s Ark De Triomphe (part I)

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

ark

Whatever Floats Your Boat Lord
The very second Eve placed her mouth on the forbidden fruit the serpent came alive. One look at the huge smile on Adams face made it obvious that sinning was enjoyable so it was no surprise it would become so popular. It wasn’t long before the garden turned into an outdoor den of inequity giving birth to what would be forever known as the oldest profession in the world. Evil penetrated (yes, penetrated) the entire crescent and sex and sinning were rampant. In fact sinning took the entire world by storm, which is exactly what gave God his big rainstorm/flood idea. God looked down from his floating throne taking notice of one man and his family that had somehow remained righteous while everyone around them were balling and screwing everything in sight. “Hmmmm, that Noah dude seems to have the where with all to resist the temptations of the flesh” he thought to himself. Likely it was by his wife constantly saying Noah nookie tonight babe, I have a headache that kept them free of the serpents grasp but whatever, it got the big mans notice. God decided it was Noah he would entrust with his plan to float the lucky few while he caused storms and floods to wipe out all sinning little bastards on earth. God sent word down to Noah of a plan, a very involved plan to build a floating zoo, a kind of jumbo ferry, a luxury Species Saver yacht that could withstand forty days and forty nights of cold Seattle rain.
Noah, a carpenter by trade, (Apparently the big guy has a thing for carpenters) was in his back yard constructing a small birdhouse when the still of the day was interrupted by a loud thunderclap. “NOAH!!!” The old man was startled, “Ah….who said that” In a deep voice that only Noah could hear his answer came, “Its me Noah, God.” Noah looked around to insure he was alone then checked to make sure he had taken his meds. “God? God who?” Obviously stressed out from all the sinners romping around in his world God showed his frustration. “Oh now don’t you start too Dag nab it. How many freaking gods do you know?” Noah pondered explaining the theory of polytheism but considering how loud the voice inside his head was getting he opted to play it cool. “oh I see, THE God. Sorry God, but its not like you come by regularly you know, I mean I didn’t even recognize your voice. Why are you calling on me anyway, your, um, what do I call you?” The voice in Noah’s head took on an air of patience, “Most people call me The Lord God Our Savior but Lord will do. I don’t want to sound like some lofty narcissist or anything. And you’re right, I should have called first but that’s not how it works in heaven. Look, I created this world, took me seven long hard days, and I put a lot of effort into it to have to watch all these frigging sinners getting naked and fornicating everywhere. You’d think I put men’s brains in their penises not in their heads, or maybe there was a typo in the memo and someone got heads mixed up. Anyway, I was watching you and your family and noticed none of you holy rollers sin and the idea struck me. You my righteous man are going to build me an ark, collect two of every animal, place them inside the ark and float to safety while I drown every living piece of feces in sight. I am going to fill the world with a rain like no ones ever seen before and kill every sinning piece of crap around. You Noah, will be the savior of the earth, the guardian of life.” Noah placed his head firmly in his hands squeezing them together as if the voice would ooze out from his ears and leave. “Is this for real, or is this early onset Alzheimer’s? Is someone pranking me? Where’s that Kushner kid? I am far from convinced lord, I’m gonna need a sign, some kind of proof that you really are the all mighty .” God lifted Noah by the scruff of his neck far above the mountains and dangled him over the Nile precariously. When he put Noah back down he was shaking wildly from fear. “Okay…So what’s the plan Lord God Our Savior?”
God told Noah he would return tomorrow with a blueprint of the ark and a list of all the things he would need including special diets and a comprehensive plan of which animals should be kept apart. Noah was still a bit stunned from being manhandled by God as well as perplexed on exactly how he was to accomplish the feat so he decided to go to town for a few beers to calm his nerves. The very second he opened the door to The Tree Of Life Tavern he understood what God was talking about. Right there on a table was a copulating couple oblivious to anyone else as they both screamed coming to an obvious simultaneous screeching orgasm. A huge multi participant orgy on the floor to left and some sort of bizarre circle of naked men on the right each of which apparently had their hands full. You could not only hear sex everywhere, there was so much sinning the air was thick with the smell of sex. Noah turned around and left feeling disgusted now determined to complete Gods task.
The next day Noah got the blueprint which was incredibly complicated. God spoke directly to him, “The instructions are written in five languages, you can pick up all the lumber and hardware you need in Sweden at a town called Ikea. Don’t worry if you have a few screws left over when your done, just toss them away we always put a few extras in. Build the arc, then We’ll talk about collecting the animals. You good with this Noah?” Noah’s head was spinning knowing what a huge undertaking he was about to embark on in addition to the ridiculing he would likely receive when his neighbors see a ginourmous boat in his yard. “Yea, I’m okay with this, but I do have one question. What in the hell is a cubit?”
As time passed Noah was out dutifully building this magnificent floating structure while withstanding the constant ridiculing of his neighbors once they discovered his plight. “Hey Noah, heard from God lately? Maybe a postcard from heaven or at least a voice mail?” “Tell the elephants to pack their own trunks” “Anyone need a floating Club Med resort for their yard? I Noah guy hhahaha” and so on. The humiliation was relentless. His family was beginning to worry about him when he stood at the top of the ark seemingly talking to the air, but Noah pushed on and kept building without a word. After five an a half months the ark was complete and harassment aside it was magnificent. A beautiful 300x500x300 cubit super yacht with sections upon sections of living quarters. When God came down with CO in hand for the final inspection he was pleased, “Noah this is beautiful. Oh Me Myself !What a wonderful job you did.” Noah was beaming with pride but wasn’t about to let the moment slip away without getting some answers.
“Thanks God, it wasn’t easy and I am laughed at from one end of the fertile crescent to the other. I nearly busted my ass literally more than once and I need to know just how all this is going to work. I get it, you’re gonna cause a meteorological catastrophe to wipe out sin while I’m supposed to get two of every animal, convince them to get on board then feed and shelter them. How am I suppose to get lions and sheep together at the dinner table?” Go handed Noah the CO, “That’s right Noah, ye of little faith. You will get all the animals on board into their quarters, feed them and shelter them while I literally rain death upon the world.” Noah still frustrated, “And you say this rain will continue going on for forty days? Seriously?” God chuckled, “And forty nights, it’s a special travel plan. And yes Noah, you need to do all this because I am going to bring on the rainstorm of all rainstorms and when your ark finally lands you and all those animals will get off the ark to start the new world. You and your wife will be my new more modern version of Adam and Eve. Just don’t let Mrs. Noah near the snakes!” Noah stared at God with doubt filled eyes. “You know Noah, it would be a shame after all the work you put in to end up drowning with all the sinners but if you’re not up for being my Caucasian crusader I’ll begin searching for a stronger race to take the ark.” Noah had a mild panic attack, “No no no, I’ll do it, I will! I wasn’t questioning you Lord, I guess I was just a bit frustrated, I’m sorry. I will take good care of all the animals.” God was feeling a bit smug having played the race card so expertly, “That’s better my son, now here’s the list of animals, their diets, and any special requirements my animals have. Very important! The termites must have all the leftover lumber in their suite or you will have major problems. But above all remember, you need to make sure that you have one male and one female of each species. I do not approve of any of that same sex nonsense! You have two weeks to assemble the zoo before the storm comes…. Oh and one more thing, make sure you bring my beautiful one horned creatures along, they’re kind of a favorite of mine plus but are tricky and may attempt to hide.” Noah mumbled to himself in his most sarcastic tone, “Here’s the list, don’t forget the one horn, bring an umbrella, special diets…pain in my ass!” A loud thunderclap caused Noah to shut up and cower, “You say something Noah?!” “No Lord, not a thing.”

TBC

Cupcake Wrapper’s Delight… by Vanilla Cupcake Dude

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

c-dude

Yo, Yo,
Everyone from the 123, grab a cupcake and follow me
Look, look.
I’m the cupcake dude and I’m here to say
Eat friggen cupcakes every day
Sweet and airy that’s my style
Eat one now it makes you smile
Pistaciaretto or Spice N Ice
Vanilla Classic is really nice
I dig Utopia and Serenity Now
But Sexy Sadie man make you say wow
WOW
Yea cup cup cupcakes, we got em stacked
Jarets Stuffed Cupcakes are really whack
Come on in you’ll dig the taste
Raz beret or raspberry lace
These cupcakes man their the bomb
Bring a dozen home give em to your mom, ….WORD!
Yea I make cupcakes that’s what I do
A hundred eighty flavors just for you
Cool Runnings, Red Velvet make you sing
Canoli eclipse and Bada Bing
If you got taste buds bring em to me
I’ll make them buds as happy as budds can be
Yea, yea, Jarets, yea Yea yea, Cupckaes Yea.
Eat em up Y’all
Jarets Stuffed Cupcakes
http://www.suffedcupcakes.com
Tell them The Cupcake Dude sent ya!

An Unexpected Trip

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

altered

Today’s lesson, hide your drugs better!

Alan was feeling a little bit guilty about violating his son‘s trust. He respected Ian’s right to privacy but his suspicions were so deep he felt he had to infringe. He didn’t want his son smoking that evil devils weed or worse. As a devout Jesuit he was responsible to raise his son to be a follower of The Society of Christ and if he found Ian straying he could use that to send his son into a Jesuit school, maybe even go to Loyola someday. His wife Sadie was catholic and had opted not to upset the forbidden apple cart by converting and as long as Ian was swathed in the catholic blanket of Jesus they could compromise. The compromise was a typical agreement between husband and wife in the 50‘s, Sadie agreed to have sex with Alan and not cut him off and Alan agreed to just about anything uner the threat of the vaginal wrench. In truth that was the single bone of contention between them, Sadie insisted on Ian remaining a “Good catholic” and not a Jesuit so Alan gave in for now. That was the one and only time she dared to air any dissidence.
All Alan needed to convince Sadie that being a Jesuit would be in Ian’s best interests was to catch him in a sin. He was relatively certain his son was smoking pot and he wanted to find some evidence of wrongdoing that would give him the upper hand and release the wrench Sadie clenched on his desire. Alan was the man of the house and as such he should in theory have final say in major decisions, but in practice he opted for bedroom bliss over being boss on this one. He looked over his shoulder nervously and began opening the desk drawer as silently as possible. After rifling through the entire desk he was disappointed to not find any evidence but relieved his son seemed to be keeping his head on his shoulders. He wasn’t thinking about anything in particular when he placed the life saver in his mouth, it was more of a reflex. He had no way of knowing he had just unwittingly ingested a tasty tab of Orange Sunshine LSD. In fact it would be almost an hour until he even began to feel any effect, much too long of a time lapse to connect the two together even if he had suspected something. The rest of the covert search also turned up nothing so he left his son’s room and went to his secret haven, his escape room to relax before mowing the lawn. He locked the door behind him and sat down in his lounge chair, his hidden throne to enjoy a quick Budweiser before leaving his sacred sanctuary to begin the chore.
It had always seemed funny to Ian that his Dad spent so much money on a Cadillac but turned the room meant to keep that expensive car into a fortress of escape with no room for the car. A small fridge filled with beers, a lounger, a small TV and a radio all surrounded by his tools. That plus a hidden box full of two years worth of Playboy magazines. But that’s where you could find Alan whenever the stresses of suburban life got to him. He called it his palace. Alan needed to relax because he always stressed out at the thought of performing his most despised suburban chore. Lawn maintenance. People here in Hamilton New Jersey were judged harshly by the state of their lawns. A well kept lawn was the ultimate status in town and would make the homeowner a well respected man about town, but an unkempt lawn was a ticket to the lowest rung of suburban development and a surefire way to have yourself snubbed and ostracized.
But the yard had to be manicured and Alan dutifully mowed and trimmed his sacred acre of green pride with an unusual joviality which at times made him actually laugh to no one in particular. When Alan finished his dreaded chore he found his smile refusing to leave having found mowing mildly amusing and uncharacteristically pleasant. When he performed the finishing touch of edging it was so funny to him he laughed loudly. A thought came into his head so he talked directly to the yard, “I have to go so you’ll be all a lawn.” Nearly a full minute passed before Alan realize he was laughing with the lawn to his silly joke an the neighbors may see. A sudden wave of paranoia rushed over him which felt foreign. He decided he would be better off alone in hi sanctuary so back to the garage he went.
Alan sat down wondering what was going on, maybe he was catching some strange flu or something because he felt very different. A beer an a nap was in order so he opened one up before putting away his tools. He had done some very deep thinking while tackling this normally mundane chore and surprised himself having come up with some new concepts and theories about life. His life to be exact. He put away his lawnmower and edger and then sat back in his recliner to close his eyes and consider the implications of his newly gained perspective. As he laid back and relaxed a sense of serenity settled across his body and mind. Alan was meditating without even realizing. After fifteen minutes his cheek muscles began to move involuntarily forcing a rather large smile back onto his face. His eyes were closed yet bustling with activity as they entered REM even though he was far away from sleeping. He found himself inexplicably listening closely to all the sounds around him, the leaves gently tickling the ground a they danced clumsily across the cement floor, the wings of some kind of bug flapping melodically, a cricket scratching a tune on its hind legs. Sounds that were always around but never noticed, at least not is such a grand way. Alan was smiling and humming and the visions in his minds eye were churning up childhood memories. Cartoon characters. He saw Popeye and Olive Oyl, Mighty Mouse, Huckleberry Hound, Top Cat, and many more cherished cartoon characters all involved in some bizarre collective cartoon specifically portrayed for his entertainment. He was smiling a huge involuntary smile and he knew it. He felt it! He felt the muscles of his cheeks pulling upwards pressing up against his eye sockets, the corners of his mouth contract inwardly, and his jaw line stretch halfway around his head. He chuckled to himself understanding he was rising to a new conscientiousness.
For quite a while Alan merely sat back and enjoyed his trip as he contemplated his life and what it was all about. His smile began to desert him as he realized what a rut he’d found himself in. “What the hell am I doing? The same thing day in and day out, go to work, come home, have dinner, watch TV, and go to bed. What am I doing this all for?” He continued feeling morose and sorry for himself for living what others had convinced themselves was “The American Dream”. But what the hell kind of dream is this drudgery of existence? Why was he just going through the motions, why wasn’t he an international spy, or an astronaut or something exciting? Anything more exciting than a carbon copy of every other shit middle class robot in town. His mood was taking a dangerous turn from comedy to tragedy in mere seconds.
Alan clasped his head between his hands attempting to squeeze the bad thoughts from his mind. Bugs seemed to be buzzing around e3verywhere but one bug in particular was just outside his ear and singing a song to him. Not a song he recognized, more nonsense singing in a weird bug voice like “eyy ya ya dadada dadeedadee, dadada…..get outta my ear!” Wait, was the bug trying to tell him some profound truth? Could this be where he finds true meaning? Alan contemplated intensely what message this omen bug was showing him when he laughed out loud, “Get out of my ear? Hahaha, did some bug just fly in my ear and say get out of my ear?” He laughed some more, not startled or confused but back in a state of control, of understanding, as though tripping on LSD was his true calling and not some foreign experience impossible to understand. He opened his eyes and continued talking to himself, “Holy shit, I feel so strange. I’m not sure what in the Hell is going on but I think I like it. I feel like I‘m in some bizarre 3D movie or one of those optical illusion pictures” The bug continued to sing the same song over and over in his ear and much to his delight he was neither concerned nor puzzled, he was comfortable with it. Suddenly startled Alan thought he saw movement from the corner of his eye as he jumped up from his chair.
“Is someone here? Come on now I know someone else is here, I can hear you and I know you’re in here. Who is it?” Alan was still chuckling lightly but beginning to feel uneasy. The bug stopped singing and in a much deeper and human voice it said to him, “Its me Alan, Franco. You remember me don‘t you? Saint Francis from project Ultra. I sure as hell remember you, all of you. You guys all laughed and called me Franco. Then you did those things to me, those horrible things. I can still feel the pain.” Alan sat back down now suddenly frightened and uncertain of what was happening. An old buried memory he was unaware of was being stirred up and settling in his head as he flashed back to a room from the days he was in The Agency. The top secret Ultra Project, but what was it? Alan thought back hard, a repressed or even worse an erased memory. He was remembering, the room, the lights, the constant loud noises, and….and “Franco? Oh my God, I remember now Franco. They told us no one would get hurt, we never meant to”….. A knock on the door sent a shiver of paranoia erasing the memory and replacing it with profound worry. “Dad? Its me, Ian. Can I come in? I think we nee to talk.”