A Hard Rains Gonna Fall
Assembling the animals was much easier than Noah had anticipated because they seemed totally compliant. Noah assumed the boss had a talk with them but rumor has it the big savior had sprayed the animal kingdom with some of his “special herb” fumes that put everything in a very mellowed out state. The herb was all the rage up in heaven. Many an angel said it was so preamo the stuff was to die for and perhaps some actually did but either way Noah got the animals all aboard and into their respective living quarters, set up his feeding schedule and then waited for the rain to start. He had set up the best luxury suite for the rhino’s up near the top where God would see how well his one horns were taken care of. Outside his entire family was ridiculed relentlessly but they did their very best to ignore all the rhetoric. Noah called out, “Guys, its time, come on aboard.” The family reluctantly climbed across the plank onto the ark. Noah pushed off the plank and addressed the large crowd that had gathered to ridicule him, “You will all be ashamed of your ignorance soon, you sin without fear of consequence but consequence is what you are about to receive.” The sardonic mob increased their jeering and added some pretty accurate rock throwing to emphasize their distain for this village idiot. When one somewhat large rock was thrown directly at Noah’s face he caught it mid air, looked upwards and hurled the rock propelling straight up and at the very second it reached its pinnacle a loud thunderclap, a bright flash of lightning, and along with the rock fell to earth the beginning of a monster rainstorm. Noah looked up to the heavens quite pleased, “Your timing is impeccable lord.”
Within seconds the ground was covered in rainwater and the skies opened up to the teardrops of a million clouds. Noah’s son Hamm was the first to speak, “Holy shit on rye toast it really is gonna rain hell down on those chortling hacks.” Hamm addressed the once jeering crowd in his loudest voice, “How do you like us now suckers?! Maybe you better get you raincoats on its gonna be the mother of all rains. Don’t just stand there, start treading, haha! Now who’s laughing?” Noah cautioned him, “Son, don’t be getting too cocky or you may get tossed overboard. The lord ha a way of over-emphasizing his points.” While Noah was trying to calm his family down a chorus of “Take me with you” and “don’t leave us out here” replaced the ridiculing as many soaking wet sinners attempted to climb onto the arc. Noah was suddenly a tad frightened so he yelled to his family, “Release the hounds. Oh an maybe some snakes too, anything that will keep those maggots off our home.” It denigrated to an epic animal versus human war with snakes biting hands of the panic stricken crowds that attempted to board the ark. Noah stood on the top deck and spoke to the crowds, “I have a prepared statements for the lord God our savior. Please quiet down and all you smaller ones keep your heads above water a little longer.”
The crowd quieted in the hopes of hearing of a second chance, or that maybe this is just a warning. Noah cleared his throat, “It is with deep regret that I inform every living creature not on this ark that I am terminating our relationship. I will make it rain forty days and nights to wipe you all from the face of the earth. It is unfortunate but I deem this world to be far too corrupt to allow any of you to continue living. I understand many of you have indeed tried your best but it is my opinion that you have all failed to follow my commandments as set down by my friend Moses. Therefore I ask you all to terminate your attempts to cling to your miserable lives and just let death visit upon you.” Seeing the tearful and remorseful crowds crying and realizing the Lord was thinking about the Noahide laws they devised for after the flood and no one name Moses has existed yet, he ad libbed a bit, “Please remember I love you all and this isn’t personal. I’m sorry for any inconvenience this has caused.” Noah headed below deck because he couldn’t stand the pains of his neighbors despite how rudely they had treated him. God came into his room, “Are you kidding me Noah? Sorry for your inconvenience? What in the fire and brimstone possessed you to say that?” Noah was still numb from being the bearer of such horrific news, “Hey I’m sorry lord, but did you see all those faces? Nobody knew what that Moses comment meant and everyone was crying. I felt bad. But forget that, they’re all gonna die anyway, come and look at the suite I set up for your one horns.” God followed Noah down the hall to the rhino room. “Well, what do you think” the beaming Noah asked. Gods jaw dropped to the ground causing a huge dent in the floor. “Noah!? What the everlasting burning place is this? Where are my Me-damn unicorns? I specifically asked you to care for unicorns, not these F bombing rhinoceros. Where arte my unicorns?” Noah became intensely worried having witnessed firsthand the big dudes wrath. “Oh no, wait. You said one horns, these were the only one horns I could find. I don’t even know what a unicorn is! Please lord, its not my fault.” Never had Noah seen anything as angry as God eyes, not even the killer stare from his wife that time he forgot his wedding anniversary. Noah cowered, “Please forgive me lord, I have sinned. No man is without sin and I fu….I fornicated upwards on the unicorns. Wait, that didn’t sound right, I mean I didn’t realize you created anything called a unicorn and I’m sorry, but this has been an extremely unpleasant odyssey. You have any idea how hard it was to get some of these animal in here? Not enough headroom for the giraffes, the elephants pooping every thirty seconds, the termites trying to eat everything along the way? And then bringing these one horns all the way up to the top deck? Holy fecal matter that wasn’t easy.” Apparently the visions it left with the supreme one touched a nerve and he began to laugh. Noah, allowing the frustrations of the past six months slip away laughed too. Within seconds the two of them were bent over in a laughing jag. Perhaps God was laughing out his frustration at losing his unicorns and Noah was laughing out his for all the shit he put up with the last six months but they both needed the release. They compose themselves after five minutes until God pointed to the Rhino’s and said “All the way to the top” breaking out into a second laugh jag. “Oh man Lord, you should have seen the buckets of elephant poop I had to remove, and the first time I fed the giraffes they threw up their entire lunch. Took twenty five minutes hahahahaha!” Eventually they both regained composure and God had to leave. Now the real work would begin for Noah, and the first step was to remove the bodies of the failed attempts of humans trying to board the Species Saver Express.
The trip was not without its difficulties as the constant rain caused major arthritic concerns for Noah and his wife and the woodpeckers constant rat-a-tat tatting was driving everyone, animals and humans bonkers. Cabin fever to the hundredth degree. Hyenas paced wildly attempting to sneak up to first class, the giraffes cut holes in the ceiling for comfort and luckily the sloth’s lived above them and were far too lazy to take advantage of exploring. The wolves somehow got into Hams wife’s closet and put on her woolen fleece coat in an attempt to fool the sheep. The sheep and the rabbits had already conceived babies. The records indicate the rabbits had forty seven but no one could stay awake long enough to count the sheep. Noah was constantly fixing the holes in the woodpeckers door. After only twenty days, only halfway through the storm it has already seemed an eternity. Something had to give.