The Seven Habits Of Highly Caffenaited People


Independence, your freedom to have coffee
Habit 1. Be proactive. Don’t stop at one cup in the morning, go for broke and have three or four, if you’re extra tired, add a shot of espresso to each cup. Move your hands constantly, talk like an Italian hand-speak master, this way no one will notice how much your hands are shaking from all the caffeine.

Habit 2. Begin with the end in mind. Establish your daily coffee needs with wherever you get your coffee. If its with a barista be sure the coffee artist understands not only how quickly you need to caffeinate, but exactly how you like to arrive at ultimate caffeination. You have achieved caffeine nirvana once the barista makes your coffee just before you’ve even arrived. If you start at home, have the coffee maker ready before going to sleep. Set the alarm if it has one.

Habit 3. Put first things first. Be sure everyone near you in the AM understands how important it is for them the STFU before you have had a minimum of one coffee. Once trained good family members will rush a coffee to you as soon as you wake up.

Interdependence, your journey to work

Habit 4. Think win/win. You know you need to be properly caffeinated prior to arriving at work to keep you from murdering your co-workers, so plan your trip wisely. While driving choose a lane with the least amount of traffic to lower the stress of the assholes on the road that have no idea how to drive. Never place the coffee between your legs, at best everyone will think you peed your pants and at worst you’ll have extreme genital discomfort.

Habit 5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. The first part is easy, listen to what your co-worker needs are and understand that they have just as many rights as you. The second part is tricky and best practiced after a few coffees. Get your co-workers to understand you don’t give a shit about their fucking needs you only care about having another coffee. Be sure they understand to NEVER, under any circumstances have the last coffee without immediately brewing another pot. This will make things at work much clearer and understandable.

Habit 6. Synergize, create a co-operative atmosphere. Now that your co-workers understand how to best deal with a highly caffeinated person such as yourself use some guilt tactics to have them buy the type of coffee you enjoy most. Also establish the fact that anyone drinking decaf has no rights and should be forced to drink it outside in shame with the smokers.

Continuous Improvements

Habit 7. Sharpen the saw. This is important. Literally sharpen the saw and be sure all your co-workers know that you are not only capable of using the saw, but you can handle it efficiently and accurately. This will help to balance your resources.

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