Tag: existentialism

Transcendental Medication V..(Out of the black, and into the blue)

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altered

Previously on Transcendental Medication :
The smile on my face was so enormous my jawbone ached and my eyes were nearly closed. Ambrosina began gently shaking my shoulder apparently ready to go one more time but I was spent. I looked up saying, ”Sorry babe I just could….oh, Dr. Kha, its you! ” God damn its confusing slipping in an out of realities here! Dr, Kha stood over me with a smirk, “I see you make visit to paradise JT

Tomorrow put you in sensory depravation tank with special punctures dipped in mixture of essences from Belladonna, Angel Trumpet, and Nutmeg Paste. Essence free mind and allow to see without eyes. Transcendental medication. Ownry then JT will you see truth, opposite universe, and maybe even understand nothing. Get some rest my boy, tomorrow is day you meet God face to face.”

Out Of The Black And Into The Blue

Meet God face to face! Well this is gonna be pretty interesting considering I can’t remember having ever believed in God. Oh there was a time, but only because it was what my Mom told me to believe and I trusted her implicitly. Why would she lie about God? But around age six or seven my best friend and his family died in a house fire two days after his birthday party. Mom told me my friend was up in heaven now where he’ll be safe. I asked why God wanted the family an why he made their house go on fire and all she could tell me was that God had a plan and we shouldn’t question him, but I wasn’t buying that bullshit. I started having my doubts about this God character and his so called plan so I made up ways for him to prove himself to me. Instead of “now I lay me down to sleep” I engaged in conversations with God. Only they weren’t dialogues, they were monologues, night after night. I only asked for small signs, not giant challenges, no plagues or forty day storms. Something simple like make my covers fall off or leave a scratch on the wall. I never asked him to beat up my older brother or return my best friend and his family back to life or anything profound, just you know like leave a light on, move a book or something. But night after night, no signs, no answers. Mom took me to church on Sundays and even at that young age I could see it was filled with hypocrites singing and praying. Old man Martin who was perpetually drunk in his backyard all dressed up in suit and tie singing, hands folded. Old lady Brown kneeling on the pew. In whispers the adults called her a Jezebel. I didn’t know what that meant at the time but by the way the adults showed distain I knew it wasn’t a good thing. Years later I learned kneeling was a common occurrence for her but apparently if it was on the pews on Sundays that made everything okay. By the time I turned eleven I was already a full fledged atheist but I continued my religious schooling to appease Mom. I was even so fascinated or maybe hopeful I studied other religions as I got older. I learned more about God by more names than I thought possible and became more sure than ever that God doesn’t exist. At least not the God I’d been taught. And now after all that I’m meeting God face to face tomorrow! At least according to Dr. Khandra.
I was nervously excited as I entered the THC clinic. A nurse led me down into the basement and laid me down on a cot that was chained to a sort of crane with chains and pulleys. Like a harsh torture hammock. I looked up with a quick glimpse believing the nurse to be Ambrosina. She smiled at me, winked saying, “Later JT. I’ll see you later.” Before I could even answer Kha came in with a small silver table filled with needles and a bowl of syrupy liquid. “Must be excited JT, yes? First I dip pricks in essence, place them at precise point and then close you in tank. No incense, no music today, ownry serenity. When ready we let you free from tank and journey begin. Relax and enjoy enlightenment my son.” I laid there motionless, a combination of anxiety and excitement as Kha placed the dripping needles about my body. This time the needles were warm and wet. Six on my forehead, two in each ear, two in my neck, and at least a dozen in each leg. I could feel the essences making they’re way into my blood and it warmed my veins. Instantly relaxed the anxiety faded away leaving only a smile. I felt comfort with the feeling because it wasn’t foreign, it was like the old days just before the LSD kicked in. I was about to start tripping like I had in my drug experimentation days and it warmed my soul.
It took a while to get used to the absence of sound or sight. Total darkness with no sound at all, feeling a bit claustrophobic I was anxious, confined, and alone. I thought perhaps this is a big waste of time. I was angry I was allowing this to happen to me, if there was a way I could get out. I called to Kha a number of times but he didn’t respond. I was alone, first angry now depressed. Total darkness. Alone with nothing but an irritating voice in my head insisting I was missing some major point about nothingness. My head was swirling with thoughts or maybe dreams of all sorts of shit, memories from way long ago, places I have been to, totally random things. I think I had some very bizarre dreams I’m not sure what’s a dream or what is a thought? From surreal to harsh reality it was one episode after another. The dream or thoughts seemed to float, moving as though filled with helium, the further they went away the calmer I got. After about…wait, that’s odd. I have no idea how long it’s been. I have no idea what time it was or how long I’d even been alone here in the dark. Had I fallen asleep? Has time stopped for me? As I pondered claustrophobia and panic subsided, sliding into acceptance. Everything is serene, calm, and quiet. Existence is not as special or amazing as I thought. Oh I’ll give you the complexity of being a living breathing thing is quite extraordinary, what with networks of communication inside me traveling at mind bending speed, blood, oxygen, even the way I need to eat and void unnecessary remnants from food is amazing. And evolution, well what is evolution other than strategy of survival? But the FACT that I or anything exists here, right here right now on this seemingly huge planet is so remarkably insignificant when I think about it in Universal terms.
Super Nova’s, Black Holes, Quasars, and galaxies, those are amazing. Time and space being curved or the possibility of alternate universes, that’s amazing. I’m nothing, just a teeny weenie blip of nothingness in time and space. I giggled as I watched that thought float away when I thought I heard a voice. “Now you are understanding nothing JT, ready to see alternate reality.” It was Kha’s voice but how? Must be a camera or some sort of electronic monitoring he used. “No use camera, no use device JT, ownry listen to you.” Wait! What did he say? Listening to me? But I’m not talking I’m only thinking. “Not thinking JT, talking. Not words or out loud but still talking. And we hear you. You are ready to come out now.”
The pulley’s lifted the makeshift cot upwards as the top opened brining me not into an office but in a clearing in a mountain wilderness blistering with life and color. Oh my God the color were o deep an rich, so real. I was inside a crayola colored landscape beside a stream. Dr, Kha was there along with two other strangers. “Come sit down with us JT, we share herb of life… You come to me asking why there is something instead of nothing, yes? I ask you now, why cannot be something and nothing?” I asked him who the two men were and he told me they would lead me to God after I finished my lessons. He handed me a long pipe which I took readily inhaling almost instantly. The smoke had a minty smoke flavor and was not in the smallest way irritating. I held it in like it was pot until it exploded inside my head. Actually exploed. My head must have grown ten inches. Images where fractured as if they were photos layered on top of each other and superimposed. I tried to stand up but instead floated, or better hovered effortlessly as the three men laughed. “I don’t see what’s so funny, everything is out of focus. Motion, Time, sound, even life is out of focus.” The men continued laughing until Kha pointed to me, “Seem you forget pants JT. You come ownry in underwear. You are right everything out of focus. That how world really is. You see on quantum level now, you move with quantum motion and see with quantum eyes. You think unreal but exact opposite. Everything around you in constant motion JT, but your non quantum eyes cannot perceive. That why most people can never see God. I believe if most people really were able to see God they be scared, not elated. You see realities now JT, in your normal world nothing really what it seem to be. You are going on journey most people cannot handle, that what Transcendental Medication do my son, it open your mind and eyes to realities clouded by limitation of human perceptions. Dreams are real perceptions JT, ownry seem too abstract to you to be real. You not have pants on because it dream that haunt you as child. That’s from the drugs. The medication will help you confront many uncomfortable dreams you have had but also some very good dreams. And dreams you have not had yet. A new era of perceptions waits for you JT, you were chosen for this journey. Your two guides are messengers of God and I am your handler. The three of us will lead you on journey of everything , something, nothing, and true God after you visit Ambrosina for lesson on desire and power. Go to her, she waits for you and you must first understand yourself before you can know nothing.” Kha smiled at me like a teacher, or a father maybe, “Take your boat.” I looked at the stream which had my little row boat from my previous visit tied to a tree. “Just get in boat JT, and follow river. You will know when to…. get off…Ha ha ha. Then when you come back we discuss your perceptions” What an odd sense of humor, an old man like Kha using a sexual double entendre about “getting off” I thought to myself as I got in the boat. Dr. Kha untied the rowboat setting me free, “Not as old as you think, but much older as well JT.” I heard all three men laughing as the boat headed to wherever the current took it. How the fuck could he hear my thoughts? I’d better be careful what I think.
The ride didn’t take very long because I could see a woman in the distance waiting on shore. I wished the boat over to her and it went of its own accord. When I got out I was back in the island paradise where Ambrosina had so totally controlled and dominated me bringing me to the most incredible orgasm of my life. I exited the boat with profound anticipation and walked up to the woman waiting. I knew I was looking at Ambrosina but she appeared so different. Her hair tied in a ponytail wearing very little make up. She was dressed casual yet somehow stern. A beige corduroy button down dress with matching skirt. In place of the sexy shoes were low heeled casual loafers. Sensible shoes! She appeared demure and intimidated as she walked up to me, placed her mouth right at my ear an whispered, “If you want me you have to take me tonight. You have to want me bad enough to force me.” As she walked away I watched her ass bounce lightly back and forth giving me a semi erection. Despite the changes I wanted her in the worst way. The lust built up inside my loins and I knew I would do whatever I had to in order to make love to Ambrosina again. But how to start, I’ve never forced anyone before, that’s rape! Ambrosina turned around looked at me with her incredible sensuous eyes. I glanced down at her lips as she mouthed, “I’m ready JT, come take me. I’m here to service you.” I knew I had the power to ravage her and it felt invigorating. My semi erection began growing.
TBC

Behind The Music, Stonehenge Stock , 420 BC (intro)

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behin

Behind The Music, Stonehenge Stock , 420 BC
J.T. Hilltop

Woodstock is considered to be the first ever mass gathering of a rock an roll concert although many, myself included would argue it began at The Monterey Pop Festival during the summer of love. But recent discoveries by archeologist show that we are all wrong, the true first weekend of peace love and music was put on by the Pagans in the UK at a place called Stonehenge in 420 BC. Back then it wasn’t called rock and roll, it was called stone and stumble and it was part of their counter culture. Take this recently found papyrus music sheet with song lyric scribed for the popular Pagan harmonizing genius’s Crossbow, Whiskystills, and Nash-hash:
Stonehenge
I came upon a child in the fields
Whilst walking along the path
I enquired “where dost thou walk to”
And this is what he told me
I walk along to Maximus Yasgurwoods farm
To join in a stone and stumble band
Set our camp along the henge
To seteth thy soul free
(Chorus)
Thou art starburst
Thou art goldstone
And we gots to plant ourselves back in our garden

By the time we got to Stonehenge
We were a couple thousand strong
And everywhere was song and celebration
And I dreamed I saw a sun god
Riding shotgun in the sky
And we all turned into whippoorwills
Above the nation
(Chorus)

This relic was found with other ancient artifacts including a lute played by Jimi Henbicks and a clown nose belonging to Wavy-Ravey leading scientists to believe that Stonehenge was indeed built as a stage for Stone and Stumble bands across the UK back in the day. WAY back in the day, 420BC, The Flintstone years, 10 million strong…. and growing. The Stoners Age when Bedrockpalooza and Occupy Rock Quarry were popular. Archeologists now believe that the Stonehenge ruins are all that’s left of an enormous soundstage which played to thousands of young partying Pagans, some who danced naked and took to frolicking openly, many while under the influence of barleycorn weed, a popular and tasty intoxicant when smoked. That weekend celebration of love, life, and music changed their world forever. Well actually it changed it only until the brutal Roman soldiers invaded the land of Pagans forcing them into chains of Christianity but before that devastating event the only event anyone spoke of was the three days of Love, Peace, and Music (and rain) on Maximus Yasgurwoods sheep farm known as Stonehenge Stock.

Stonehenge Stock was the brainstorm of childhood friends Ian Kellerlay and Declan Mc Intyre of Brea Scarra Off the coast of Scotland. They had the incredible insight to create a venue that could unite all the various music styling’s of the UK. With top acts like the blues singer Janus, Canned Campfire, Dublin Bay Dirtwater Revival, Countryside Joe McDougle and the fish, Worcestershire Zeppelin, The Ungracious Dead, Jefferson Chariot, The Immobile Stones, and The Salisbury Hill Stompers, nine music scenes in all would be represented. Each of the nine music scenes were represented by a giant stone indicative of its region. Represent!

The festival lasted three days and nights showcasing some 30 Stone and Stumble acts to almost 40,000 jubilant attendees. The crowd was so large the New English Chariot Thru-way was closed. Lotta freaks man! Tremendous efforts were made to feed the crowds, nearly 500 pounds of haggis was consumed. Breakfast in bed! Two children were born, a number of rug burns and other rug related casualties occurred, and one person died but all in all the festival was considered a huge success. Or disaster, depending which news media you listen to. This is Behind The Music, the truth behind Stonehenge Stock 420BC, The three part series presented by Be My Bud, the leaders in the legal marijuana industry
Tune in Next Friday for part I

Transcendental Medication, episode IV

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ambosina

Warning sexually graphic and explicit material. Seriously, if you can’t handle it blatantly erotic then…… I’d turn back if I were you

Previously on TM

I jumped in and rowed like a maniacal teen about to lose his virginity towards whatever waited for me across the pond. When I got there the other side it was even more amazing than I thought possible.

Not a nurse, not a dominatrix, not even an exotic island native woman, but that gorgeous hazel eyed enticing beautiful woman from my first visit dressed as if for a date “I’m so glad you chose to come back JT, I am Ambrosina. I’ve been waiting for you. Come to me.”

IV Waking the Seed
J.T. Hilltop

My entire body trembled in anticipation. I felt my groin throbbing, blood coursing through every fiber. She had let her coal black hair down and it flowed effortlessly over her bare shoulders and milky white arms. Ambrosina allowed an inch and a half of cleavage escape the partially unbuttoned bright red shirt that competed with enticing red lips. The competition didn’t end there as a very short silky black skirt barely covered her long muscular legs that exposed just enough bone structure. Bare legged with high spiked heel super sexy strappy shoes attesting to the fact that he was perfect from head to toe. Everything about her screamed “Come Fuck Me” I stuttered, “A-A Ambrosina? Hi, I’m, I mean, well you know me, and I think, I mean I would love to get to know you. You, you’re a, you’re so very, um, so very” Ambrosina cut me off allowing me an escape from my awkwardness. “Hot JT? Come on, you can do better than that. I know what you’re here for and I’m here ready to give it to you so why not come on over here and get it? Then we can get acquainted.”
Full scale trembling now, awkward an understatement. I proceeded towards her and she opened her arms inviting me to come close to her. My eyes were drawn instantly to her smooth round breasts reaching out of her blouse. When we embraced I had already reached the point of full erection and it was not unnoticed. Ambrosina smiled and gently grinded her hips so delicately and sensuously I was afraid I might let it go in an instant but instead I grinded back just as sensuously surprising myself. Her full red lips parted allowing an “ohhhh” to sneak out. My mouth made its way directly to hers as we clenched each others mouths in passionate desperation allowing our tongues to writhe together hungrily. We exchanged mmmmm’s an ahhhh’s, words being an afterthought. My left hand went up under her blouse and found its way to her supple soft breast. So perfectly round and smooth I massaged it gently squeezing an erect nipple in my fingers. I bent my knee and gently rubbed my thigh between her legs extracting the response I hoped for. With my right hand I unbuttoned what was left of her blouse, removed it completely and gave both of her perfect breasts my undivided attention. I gently squeezed her large an erect nipples and she responded in a purring sound her hand encompassing my penis through my pants. Very gently she traced her long nails up and down my cock sending me into near shock ecstasy. “Oh my JT, seems something here is ready, why don’t you take off you clothes and let me show you what you want?”
Fully naked I laid down on a soft bed of sand and Ambrosina stood over me straddling my hips still in heels and skirt. She squatted down over me barely touching my erection with soft pubic hairs. No panties, oh my god could this get any better. She knelt over me holing my erect penis between her fingers and passionately kissed me. “Are you going to get undressed too?” She threw her skirt off, put her full lips up to my ear and whispered softly, “Everything but the heels honey, the shoes stay on. I want you to feel my shoes on your face when you fuck me.” I think I gulped loudly but I was slightly dizzy. She had let go of my dick so she could kiss my chest working her way down my stomach. Once she got to my crotch she regained hand control of me and kissed the head of my throbbing erection. “I want to hear you beg me JT, I want to hear you plead for me to fuck you.” her mouth covered the tip of my dick ever so slowly began to descend. About a quarter of the way down she stopped ,swirling her tongue all over the head. Up an down halfway softly slurping and humming Uh huh uh huh bringing me perilously close to cumming. I blurted it out, “Please fuck me Ambrosina” but she stopped sucking, looked at me teasingly with those magnificent hazel eyes simply saying, “not yet baby, not yet.” She straddled my head squeezing it with thick hard thigh muscle then plunged a damp pussy to my lips. Instantly my tongue explored as deeply as possible and I reached one hand around her ass and with the other tried to rub her clitoris. “Make me cum JT, I want to cum on your lips.” She gyrated her pussy in circles around my greedy mouth while I feverishly shoved my tongue in and out of her all the time rubbing her clitoris. She let me know how effective I was, “Oh god baby yes, yes yes yes, don’t stop, don’t stop” getting louder and more desperate by the second. I obliged with my tongue and finger working her to a screaming orgasm. Her hips shook my face dripping warm love juice all over my mouth.
The two of us now panting and breathless were not close to being done. Ambrosina returned the attention of her lips to my still throbbing dick this time engulfing it fully. She removed her mouth and stroked me gently with the perfect amount of tease to keep me hungry but not allowing me to come. She got on top of me and again straddled my groin with her hips, inserting the tip of my rod into her dripping wet pussy. She moved up and down slow and deliberate allowing just an inch of me inside her. I had no idea what was keeping me from exploding semen into Ambrosina but she had somehow held me off. “You want me to fuck you all the way baby? Or maybe I’ll just fuck the tip?” Ambrosina bounced lightly up and down allowing just the tip of my manhood inside. Her eyes sparkled with pleasure as I squirmed attempting to thrust deep upwards, “All the way babe, all the way. Fuck me Ambrosina, please fuck me.” She stopped moving up and down and wriggled teasingly, “Not yet hon, a little more playing.” She continued moving up and down my pulsating cock and I tried desperately to thrust deep up into her. She reached around cupping my balls. I was ready to explode when she squeezed them tightly and came to an abrupt stop. She wriggled her groin into mine and I began begging, “please Ambrosina, please, whatever you want, I’ll be whatever you want, I’ll do whatever you want, just please let me cum inside you. I need you so badly, please!” She smiled got up off of me and came up to kiss me. I have never kissed anyone with so much desperation and abandon before. We embraced rolling around until she was beneath me with her long legs spread. “Come fuck me JT. I want you to fuck me.” I got on top of her, with a smooth hand she guided my cock inside her. I began pumping feverishly wanting to explode myself deep into her sweet love button but she placed her hands on my hips. “Long and slow honey, fuck me long and slow. I want to feel every inch of your big dick inside me.” As I was told I pumped slowly letting the entire length of my cock go slowly. I felt her muscles tighten around my member as I slowly allowed it inside her feeling our pubic hairs entwine. Then slowly back out all the way to the tip again. I penetrated her about ten times more like this, feeling every stroke, every nuance of love before I could wait no longer. She stretched her legs upwards her feet and sexy shoes squeezing my ears gently touching my forehead with her toes. “Kiss my toes and fuck me hard.” Again I did as I was told fucking her hard and sucking her toes as her heels dug lightly into my cheeks. I kissed the leather pumps and unbuckled the ankle straps. I couldn’t hold back anymore, paying so much tender attention to her feet had pushed me over the edge. I felt my sperm explode from my toes all the way through my body filling her with what felt like a quart of love juice, all the time still kissing and licking her toes and foot arches as she squealed with delight. I could feel her cumming again too and although drained I continued in and out of her for another two minutes before I collapsed.
“JT that was amazing, you did a fantastic job. You‘re almost done.” That was all we spoke as we both tried desperately to catch our breath. My chest heaved for ten minutes before I regained any inkling of composure. Ambrosina lay her head on my chest with her arm across my shoulder and life was unbelievably good. Twenty minutes passed when I felt her moving down towards my spent dick. She took me in her mouth brining me back to life expertly. We went at it again with her making the same requests, making me beg, this time kissing and stroking her bare feet and taking total control of me. I obeyed happily. She smiled at me then told me our next lesson would be the opposite.
I wasn’t sure what she meant but I was willing to find out as I lay in the sand totally exhausted, happy, and satisfied beyond belief. The smile on my face was so enormous my jawbone ached and my eyes were nearly closed. Ambrosina began gently shaking my shoulder apparently ready to go one more time but I was spent. I looked up saying, ?”Sorry babe I just could….oh, Dr. Kha, its you! ” God damn its confusing slipping in an out of realities here! Dr, Kha stood over me with a smirk, “I see you make visit to paradise JT. Must be careful not to get too wrapped up in desires, make you feel good but also cloud judgment. But she teach you secret of desire not me, I teach you everything about nothing. If you want see opposite universe it take much more than acupuncture, incense, and meditation, you needa transcendental medication. Tomorrow put you in sensory depravation tank with special punctures dipped in mixture of essences from Belladonna, Angel Trumpet, and Nutmeg Paste. Essence free mind and allow to see without eyes. Transcendental medication. Ownry then JT will you see truth, opposite universe, and maybe even understand nothing. Get some rest my boy, tomorrow is day you meet God face to face.”
TBC

The House Of The Rising Sons, (the original erector set).

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erectorsets

Another sick bastard bible selection

Sodomy and Go More….ahhhh

A tale of two cities mentioned many times in the Bible, the Torah, and the Quran. The history so deep it even makes a few appearances in the new testament. What makes these two cities so popular in religious documents? Sex sells, and the added stories of Sodomy an Go More, ahhh sold the hell, pardon the irony, out of the bible. Where exactly are these cities? Much like the infamous G spot men have been unable to locate the exact area that filled its occupants with so much passionate joy. But the where is not too important, we can be guided there with a skillful partner so today I am focusing on the what. What’s the sick bastards take on this sexually charged tale of orgies and try-sexuality of the legendary iconic bible selling segment of the scriptures. This is the story of The Rising Sons, (the original erector set).

God began sitting on his laurels after his highly successful pairing of Adam and Eve thanks to his inventing Christian mingle.com. The whole Cain and Abel thing worked itself out and he assumed that his flood had eradicated sinning altogether. But you know what happens when you assume, even if the me is god himself. He heard some stories about thee tow cities plagued with sin. To the North in Go More, ahhh, Mayor Farley-Ford ran his city allowing copious amounts of drugs and alcohol to flow freely in the streets. Why the mayor himself was constantly drunk and messed up on whatever drug he could get his hands on, and flew into drunken rages lashing out at anyone and everyone. The streets of this maple tree lined city were filled with stoned out couples pawing at each other sex organs right out in the open. He had heard that it was like one giant orgy so the big guy sent Abraham out to investigate. Abe, being the almighty’s right hand did a hands on, well pretty much every body part on investigation of the two sinning towns.

He stopped first in Sodomy where instead of ravaging young maidens he was molested by a bunch of horny and hung dudes that really stuck it to him. At first he was repulsed but when he turned to the church for help he ended up shagging the priesthood. The whole lot of them plus Lott as well. In sodomy the sex was all mano a mano or bumper to bumper, which is to say they all adorned their gay apparel if you catch my drift. After waking up after an all nighter with a pounding headache and a knob with no more throb Abraham had enough. Time to report back to the big guy, but first a parting blow from his favorite dude, Vegas. Abraham was not worried because what happened in Vegas, well you get it.

So Abe told the lustless lord all about the sinning ways of Sodomy and Go More, ahhh, leaving out the part about his parts. The G-man knew what had to be done. Destroy the getting of some tail of two cities. Of course, being a drama queen, Mrs. God wanted him to come up with a devious plan, so he scheduled a new show, The Real Housewives of the Fertile Crescent. He sent an angel disguised as a man to punk Lot and expose the homo erectus of Sodomy. When the angel came Lot was required by law to protect his guest who was such a hunk even straight dudes took notice. Hungry homo’s surrounded the house which scared the crap out of Lot. Not literally, just really scared him. He offered his two virgin daughters instead which only pissed everyone off, especially Lot’s wife and kids and they gay crowd huffed and puffed and blew the house down. The angel flipped out and struck all the rioters blind and told Lot and his family to leave town and never look back because it was being destroyed.

As they left they could hear the acid rain coming down and knew the city was getting sulphurized. They could hear the cries of agony as the community of multi-sexual sinners burned alive. Lots wife couldn’t help herself, she needed to take a quick photo for instagram, but as she turned around the high and mighty converted her into salt to season the lip of his margarita glass. Lot and his still virgin girls never looked back. After the brim stoning of Sodomy and Go More, ahhh, no one ever doubted the man upstairs again. Repent or burn was the new catchphrase.

That’s all this sick bastard could glean from the internet about the story of these sin cities, so if you have some more info that has not yet been released please contact me so I can up date the Sick Bastards Bible. Thank you, and please, repent before its to late. You never know when the all loving and caring god can have a bad hair day and turn on us with vengeance.

Teenage Punchline, Mischief night, 1970

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mischeif

Being the youngest of five boys I was pretty much predestined to be the practical joker of the family. Sometimes pissing off your big brothers is the only way to get noticed, even if the result is a painful punch in arm. I swear there must have been a target on my upper arm because each one of them wailed on my arm in the exact same spot. But pain aside it was worth the effort to piss them off. Dirty smelly sock in their pillowcases, fake puke on their dressers, fake shit in the bed, fly in the ice cube, dirty soap, stink bombs, I did it all. My cornerstone trick was to place a book atop the lightly opened door so when they came home drunk it would crack them in the head as they walked in That is until the last time I pulled it using my chemistry book my middle brother. He was so pissed when that heavy text book crashed on top of his head he threw it towards my head as I lay in bed giggling odd job style effectively turning the periodic tables on me.

So mischief night was pretty much a challenge to me. TP’ing trees were cool and if trivial history reports can be believed it was when a brown bear first experienced the joy of the softness of Charmin. Shaving cream flowed like silly string and eggs got hurled by the dozens, but everyone did that. Of course a bag of strategically placed dog shit set on fire was popular but using the front stoop was beneath me. It was up to me to raise the mischief stakes.

I choose my victims wisely most of the time. On this particular evening I thought it woul be hilarious to care my steady girlfriend. Her younger brother was enlisted to distract and prepare her with some scary stories. The usual array, maniacs in cemeteries on the loose, strange noises and typical Goosebumps style tales. So my cute little blond high school sweetheart was feeling a bit anxious when I set my plan in motion. I had snuck in her house, into her room and hidden myself in her hamper. I know it seems kinda creepy now but back then I wasn’t a pervert yet. There I waited while her brother warned her about the lunatic seen around the neighborhood the last few nights. Coupled with the twice told tales I was certain she was on edge and when I surprised her she would jump ten feet in the air. It was all I could do to contain my laughter covered in her dirty laundry as I imagined the results.

I heard her enter her room and tried to ascertain exactly where she was so I could get the most benefit. I lifted the top of the hamper up ever so slightly and slowly hoping to get a good view when I noticed her walking directly toward me. As she got into striking distance I jumped up throwing the hamper lid in the air and gave her my best maniacal goblin scream. That night I learned something new I had not even considered. I learned that my cute tiny little blonde bombshell had a right hook that could earn her the golden gloves award.

My head snapped sharply to the right and I could feel my eye socket swelling already. By the time I regained my composure and turned to face her loud scream prepared me for the delivery of the left cross that was to follow. That cute little bundle of fifteen year old sweetness damn near knocked my ass out. I went reeling to the ground and she stood over me like a warrior ninja waiting to finish me off. When she realized it was a lame attempt to scare her and she had just punched the shit out of her boyfriend the mood changed. Huge surprises come in small packages. She hit harder than my brothers.

Now of course there is a silver lining here, my cute little hey babe felt absolutely horrible for having put my lights out and causing my eye and cheek to swell up coaxing her to apply the perfect amount of tender loving care for a sixteen year old impressionable boy. I just never imagined the impression she made would be on my face. After a number of kissing and soothing followed by a hint at possible extreme measures to make me feel better the reality set in. “What the hell were you doing hiding in my laundry trying to scare me?” I rubbed my sore face and decided the prudent thing to do was leave that unchallenged and just apologize. No more mischief for me….PEACE

The Gospel According To Fluke (another sick bastard bible selection)

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fluke

A disastrous misprint was made in the preface of Fluke when describing his reason for writing it. A typo of biblical proportions has us believing Fluke was writing a historical account when what he actually chiseled onto the slate was a hysterical account. Fluke was the joker of the group, the merry apostle. The disciple class clown always making fart noises when Jesus was preaching, and goosing Mary Magdalene when no one watched. Mary would squeal and turn around never sure if it was Judas “roaming hands” Iscariot, Peter the pedophile, or Fluke The Funny. So when Fluke set out to tell his version of the life of JC it was meant as a comedy.

Flukes version contains the story of John Hobbit The Baptist and is followed with a trilogy of parables about A prodigal son, a good Samaritan, and a gold coin. The true authorship has been in question an many biblical scholars disagree on whether he had a ghost writer named JRR, or if it was written by a team of Jewish writers up in the Catskills. No matter, The existential Baker plans on using his creative license, which doesn’t expire until next year, to re-interpret the important stories in the Gospel According to Fluke.

John the Baptist was a short man with huge feet whose ministry practice was limited to The Shire, a land of god fearing hobbits who were as diminutive in strength as they were in size. John convinced them they were the meek and would one day inherit the earth. He left out the part about it being middle earth, but they’re brains were pretty tiny as well. In fact the only disproportionately large part of them at all aside from their feet was their…. well their hobbit poles. Many believe it was the incessant squealing from the lady hobbits that drew Jesus to the Shire when in fact he heard “Son of god are you coming” when they were screeching “Oh my god I’m coming.” But Jesus did arrive and John the Hobbit was there to baptize him in the wilderness of the Shire.

After dunking Jeez a few times in hobbit water John announced to the crowd watching that this guy JC claims to be the son of god and he believes the story asking them to follow him. On Twitter. Jesus acquired over 200 followers that day and thanked John, who noticed his gold wedding band was missing. He was concerned perhaps the carpenter had snuck this the ring off his finger and pocketed it for himself. Aside from being his wedding band the ring had magical powers.

It seems that during a wild bachelor party hosted by a wizard friend who gets John Hobbit drunk and convinces him to become a burglar to steal a gold ring from a dragon that had stowed away on Noah’s Ark. But John comes across an outcast named Gollum who challenges him to a game of Candy Crush Saga. John Hobbit used his gaming skills to extract the ring which can turn the holder invisible.

John cornered Jesus in a temple bingo room but just as John grabbed him Jesus disappeared one can only assume, using the stolen ring. John would never find out as the last part of Flukes story of John The Hobbit Baptist ended with Johns head rolling around on a platter some Orcs served to King Herod as a present from Sauron.

Having some decent success with his first story of the Shire Fluke sat down to write a trilogy of three parables Jesus had told calling it “The Lord Made Off With The Ring” It would one day become a blockbuster. It is Fluke tale of how Jesus convinced a theater full of people to believe in his god with reverence. The crowd gathered to hear how they themselves could become free of sin in five easy payments, and this is how Jesus accomplished the feat.

He started out so simple, with the fellowship of the sheep. Seems a farmer had 100 sheep and one of the sheep was a sinner, sneaking around an getting into the lady sheep’s woolen love buttons. So ecstatic from the sex was this sheep it got lost. The shepherd asked Jesus why he should chase this one sheep instead of just caring for the other 99. Jeez said, “There is great joy in heaven when a sinner repents. Go to him, forgive him and allow him back in the flock.” The shepherd did as he was told spending hour searching for the lost sheep to find an forgive him. As a reward for doing as he was told, Jesus gave the shepherd a woolen sweater and a case of Woolite for the flock.

The second parable was the Coins in The Tower. A woman was up in her ivory tower counting her coins when she noticed one missing. She called down to her friends and everyone searched. When the woman found the coin Jesus aid to her, “There is great joy in heaven when one rejoices with others in the presence of angels. Call your friends, rejoice with them and make the angels happy.” So the woman called her friends and to help her rejoice invited them to Marini’s Bar, where every time a bell rings an angel gets their wings. The angels got their wings, the woman’s friends got drunk for free, and the woman got Jesus out of her tower so she could go back to her old lifestyle.

The final story the J man told the crowd was “The Return Of The Son”. This was to be Flukes cornerstone parable, the one everyone would remember, maybe even resulting in a few prequels. It seems a father had two sons and the youngest one asked for his inheritance early before the Dad croaks. The father can’t wait to get the long haired lazy boy out of the house so he agrees as long as the kid takes the money and runs. He does just that, blowing all the money, much of it ironically blown on blow, and en up running out of money. He skulks back home but surprisingly the father has had a change of heart. Literally, he had a heart transplant and was now much stronger and virile. He had found a new lover and was into partying himself. The older son was livid and denied his little brother existence. Jesus took the older brother aside and told him, “God is holy and cannot allow sin, but he must leave room in his heart for forgiveness and remain humble. So shut up, be humble, and go have some friggen fun!”

These are the stories Fluke was working on at any rate. Of course this version never made it to the official bible, but it can be found along with many other truthful accounts of ancient times in The Sick Bastards Bible. So stop reading and go have dome friggen fun!!!!! PEACE

Transcendental Medication, episode III

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mc-escher-humanity

Previously on Transcendental Medication:
Nothing is the absence of anything. Anything is something so nothing must be something if its anything

She was very attractive with piercing hazel green eyes and long straight black hair tied up neatly in a swinging ponytail but allowing perfectly cut bangs to cover her forehead. Her eyes were as stunning as a Montana sky and just as vast.

Butterflies had left my stomach and created a chrysalis caravan traveling through my digestive tract straight towards my reproductive organs. It was complicated even more profoundly by her sensual and suggestive tone echoing through my soul. Maybe she wasn’t even there to begin with, the line that separated reality from non-reality had become wafer thin.

III Begin At The Beginning

When I got home the first thing I did was pour myself a big glass of wine. A very big glass of wine. I needed to process what just happened today and decide if it was wise to go back. The more I thought about the nurse the more I feared it was all in my head. Was I imagining some pornographic manifestation of a dominatrix nurse? A scene from “Romancing The Bone” or “A Cockwork Orange ” in the hopes of some spiritual sexcapade while under acupunctural meditation? A wet daydream? Maybe I’m hoping for a close encounter of the supernatural sexual kind. Everything about it seemed so very real and she seemed to know me almost intimately. Besides I need to know what the hell this nothing bullshit was all about and how far I would be taking this so I’m definitely going. Then again what if I go back to the opposite universe and its Kha that ties me up and toys with my pleasure zones. Erotic adventures involving Dr. Kha’s thermometer probes and patient doctor confidentiality. Then again if it is the nurse she was so hot and so sexy my libido did triple somersaults with a full twist and was hoping to stick a landing. I would have made a contract with the devil himself for an evening of exploration with her but who and what can I trust? Doctor Kha said equal and opposite! I’m not even sure if she was a manifestation of my inner desires or if that sweet temptress really exists. Maybe its nothing!
I finished the large glass of wine and as I poured a second I glanced at the calendar. My eyes went directly to two days from now, Friday the 27th. Twenty seven is a good number as numbers go. Two is balance and union and seven is a very spiritual number, in nearly every religion. Together they add up to nine which is the highest level of changes. Hmmm, union, balance, and change! I looked away closing my eyes as if to think about it but I knew my mind was made up. I mean a night of deep philosophic discovery contemplating the secrets of science followed by a fantasy involving wild abandoned sex, what’s not to like. Secrets of science? OMFG, have I become a nerd? Maybe so, but when I wake up Saturday morning I will be one happy and satisfied nerd. I glanced dreamily back at the calendar but all I saw were those beautiful hazel eyes filled with longing and promise. Friday it is!

The day couldn’t possibly have dragged on longer if it were fitted with friction bars. From the moment I woke up all the way through the day all I could think of was my dominatrix nurse. I made four errors on my lunch orders at the restaurant which is four more than usual, and my head just wasn’t in it at all. But the shift finally limped slowly to an end and I flew home to prepare for my journey. Nothing was on my mind. That is to say nothing and sex was on my mind. Maybe nothing but sex, but I was very excited on so many levels. After the longest shower in history I did my best to look my best and it certainly wasn’t for nothing, at least I was hoping it wasn‘t.
When I arrived no one seemed as excited as I was, acting as if this were just another mundane visit. Maybe it was for them but I came here to be enlightened and turned on like never before. Dr. Kha led me back to my cot, my waiting room to nothing, and began inserting his needles. “Hmmm, I feel much tension JT, I think I need put more puncture in foot today. Not want you running away, eh?” Oh yea, he knew something was up, or rather that nothing was up. “Just really looking forward to what’s in store Kha, to pick up exactly where I left off the other day.” My smile must have been huge. “I see. Remember JT, every session new session. Like snowflake nothing ever exact.” I turned to look at him but he was already gone. I thought about a line from The Wizard of Oz and laughed, “My, people come and go so quickly here”, then I laid back to meditate while thinking of other Oz quotes. “Some people without brains do an awful lot of thinking, a heart is not judged by how much you love but by how much you are loved by others, you’re confusing courage with wisdom my friend.” I entered my zone, incense and music comforting me, a soothing sitar solo and I was transported again.
“Dr. Kha?” I pushed my way past the dimension curtain. “Very clever JT, using Wizard of Oz. You think other dimension same as Oz for Dorothy? Maybe you same than Dorothy.” I could feel a strong burst of air pushing me back towards the curtain and had to fight it off. “You gotta admit there are similarities Kha, I know I’m not in Kansas anymore.” The air kept me at bay. “True, no Kansas JT, but no Oz either. If you want learn about nothing you need to enter completely.” I fought off the air blast, “I can’t seem to get any further this air current is keeping me away.” Kha smiled, “No air current JT, is nothing. Nothing is what keep you from moving forward. If you want to understand nothing you must first conquer nothing.” Conquer nothing? What the hell is he talking about? I concentrated hard and the wind stopped. I could see my nurse off in the distance, on the other side of a pond or something. She caught my eye and smiled. I looked back at her and then at Kha.
What you see is desire JT, but before you receive reward of what you desire lesson must be understood. You are in paradox JT, time and space much different than what you know. In this dimension Schrödinger’s cat exist and not exist” I shook my head full of doubt, “Are you saying we are in a box Kha?” He laughed loudly, “Box? No JT, here no box, but here always need think out of box. No use logic, use sensory instincts. Let feelings guide you.” I glanced back over the pond but no nurse. “So am I really here or am I still laying on the mattress?” Kha smiled, “I sorry JT, cannot answer. Anyway wrong question. What you should ask is when are you here and when are you on mattress. First to understand time you need let go of perception. You measure time in linear progressions, seconds, minutes, hours. But time constant and wobbly, no straight. You have already existed and already ceased to exist, time not wait on you. Your life is how you experience time, how you put it in order to understand. But time not linear JT, time flexible.” Kha pulled out a yard of string, “This your life JT. For you it have beginning and end. But time have no beginning, no end, time ownry exist. You see your life from one end of string to other. If I give you string in different pieces you think it useless, just like if I show you your life at 19, then at 5, then at 30. Not make sense because out of order yet it all happen. That ownry way you can see time, moving straight and forward every second. If you want see time as time truly is need more than acupuncture and meditation. For special people I give transcendental medication. Combine acupuncture with special medication to help you understand. I believe you ready but it up to you JT.” He paused looking at me as if I needed time to consider, but he must have known if my life has already been that I was going to go for it. “Dr. Kha, I want to understand. It would be my honor and a privilege to undergo transcendental medication.” I gave him a sly smile, “When did I start?” I looked at him hoping he got my joke and saw he was smiling. “Very good JT, I see I have chosen you wisely. I leave now but I back to arrange session.” He pointed across the water to where my fantasy had been waiting, “Meantime, I recommend you take rowboat across pond.”
Right there in front of me was a small dinghy with oars. I jumped in and rowed like a maniacal teen about to lose his virginity towards whatever waited for me across the pond. When I got there the other side it was even more amazing than I thought possible. It was like an island paradise, brimming with plants, trees, and flowers of all colors. It smelled clean and new, lilac and fresh cut grass with a sense of serenity. I followed a path taking in the sheer beauty around me. Flowers with their genitals boldly hanging out on display for all to see, giving off intoxicating scents to tickle the minds of men. With every breath I felt desire building up inside me awaiting release. Then I saw her.
Not a nurse, not a dominatrix, not even an exotic island native woman, but that gorgeous hazel eyed enticing beautiful woman from my first visit dressed as if for a date “I’m so glad you chose to come back JT, I am Ambrosina. I’ve been waiting for you. Come to me.”
To Be Continued

medication

All Shallows Eve

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hallow

It comes as a surprise to many that Halloween is my least favorite holiday. The Existential baker is basically a fun loving dude who seldom misses an opportunity to party but like most things these days I feel the celebrations and revelry have spun way out of control. Back in the day we donned wafer thin material over our bodies with a hard plastic mask that fastened with a cheap rubber band across the head. That was the costume du jour. Spiderman,. Superman, Beetle Bailey (What?? It was 1st grade and I was impressionable) , whatever, those hard plastic face masks caused massive facial sweating while the slit for the tongue allowed us to dribble spit inside it as well. Those days were fun. Today however, the average costume costs near $30 with a ridiculously expensive $850 dollar collector edition Halo Master Chief taking the prize for most extravagant. Its become a who can outdo who for the best kid costume sparing no expense. Toddlers and tiara’s for a day. The adult costumes are even worse, many going to crazy lengths to be the talk of the ghostown. There are stores which dedicate their entire showrooms for that one holiday. I guess that’s why the begin advertising in August but at any rate in order to be in the height of Halloween fashion one needs to completely transcend just dressing like a goth or a slut. My Mom’s trick was to fool me into thinking I was a hobo by making me wear my older brothers ripped up clothes carrying a pillowcase as she marked my face with a mascara beard.

beetlebailey

Don’t get me wrong I loved trick or treating as a kid and went to great lengths to choose the perfect costume. I enjoy the fun size bar as much as anyone although today my standards of fun span much more than a half inch of chocolate bar. And of course part of my misspent youth involved some pranks and mischief but in my adolescence I found limiting it to just one day was just inviting trouble. I never did the burning paper bag of dog crap prank but I had my moments. But Halloween is overdone and has been taken to the edge. I mean, how are they gonna top it with the next generation?

With so many of us taking immature adulthood to new heights and responsible parenting to far below sub basement levels perhaps it will become a day set aside for today’s “whats in it for me” irresponsible adults so arrange for a babysitter. Start with a ghost haunting in the home because it would be full of boo’s. Or I mean booze. Picture this, at everyone’s door a stash of alcohol or other happy hour helpers at the ready. We dress up as authority figures, like maybe a mall cop, or “event security” and go door to door with our shot glasses and red solo cups. Ring the bell, and when the owner answers we all yell “Buzz or Beatdown” The owner then either pours a glass of beer or wine, fills a shot glass with their favorite liquor, or places a doob ash side in their mouth and proceeds to give a shotgun of silly smoke all around. I would go with the doob cuz there’s less of a chance of a beatdown from someone stoned than there is with alcohol laden drunkards. At worst a stoner will kick your shin. The occasional home of a chemist or pharmacist may have some prescription drugs or tripping product and everyone in the neighborhood will be sure to stop there before heading home. That would be a hellacious way to celebrate but there will be more sick outs the next day than the ay after the super-bowl.

But its not up to me as to how anyone chooses to celebrate their holiday and my job a it were is to come up with an offering of cupcakes that are themed out for October 31st. So here’s what I have coming up with at Jarets Stuffed Cupcakes for next week. The “Drunkin’ Punkin,” a pumpkins cupcake filled with bourbon pecan custard, “Apple Stumble“, an apple cupcake filled with rum raisin, and for the kids “The Tricking Treat,” a chocolate cupcake with candy corn custard and candied topping.

Have a safe and fun Halloween, enjoy the crazy holiday responsibly and remember, never underestimate the power of a cupcake….Peace

The Dinosaurs Revenge

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dino-revenge

The sands of Arabia are the voice of the desert and hold ancient stories of life and love amongst the pebbles of mysterious lands. The mighty Arabian wind picks up fragments of the desert floor and scatters them about to remind the grains of gravel that the songs of the wind are far more powerful than the tales of the sand. The Arabian wind boasts of songs at a time when the desert was merely an ocean floor unable to speak or even hear the songs which were sung in the land of Pangaea when the giant dinosaurs ruled the world. The desert however is unimpressed by such singing for it has mystical tales of hidden treasures, flying carpets, and camels being passed through the eye of a needle. Stories so rich in legend that can be told for a thousand and one nights without repeating a single tale. Being the voice of the desert it speaks directly to the men and women who walk its hot dry paths and explains to them how they should live their lives. That’s power! But the wind speaks only to those who understand the language of the universe and its stories travel far beyond Scheherazade. The wind claims to have been the only entity to have heard the songs and cries of the dinosaur, sad soliloquies of betrayal and deception which ended their world dominion, a song which ends in revenge, for their demise was ushered in to make room for the intelligent future rulers of the earth, humans. Humans who would one day inherit their curse, the curse of fossilized petroleum.
Petroleum responsible for the gallons of blood spilled along the desert carpets in battles to have dominion of the liquid gold, a liquid that would one day be so concentric to human survival millions would die chasing ownership of it. The dinosaurs curse is songs of ships sailing upon mirages and sinking in the sands of time. Men who claimed this cursed oil in the name of their Gods, be it by the scimitar of Mohamed or the sword of Abraham. Death would fell men by the score in an attempt to exchange that blood for oil and the wars would continue to curse humans until they bring about their own mass destruction. Oil, the curse of the dinosaur destroying their eternity.
The dead carcasses of the dinosaurs would ensure the fates of humanity. It was no accident that humans discovered the remains of the giant scaled creatures could be converted into energy that was destiny. Being human accepting it a fate wa not enough, humans had to know everything about the animals. For many years human assumed the dinosaurs to be big dumb clumsy creatures but now scientists and paleontologist believe many dinosaurs to possessed more than a low level of intelligence. Since the resurgence of dino-interest studies have gone much deeper into the social lives of these gargantuan lizards. They have correctly identified the Theropoda bipedal dinosaur to have above average intelligence with the ability to perhaps have evolved human like brains had they not been vanquished. What they haven’t yet discovered is that dinosaurs had a complex system of communication that rivals any human form. They were able to communicate not only with each other, but with the creator of the life on Earth, Gemna. In fact it was Gemna from the planet Lekiel who first planted the message in the DNA strands of all living creatures of the Triassic period. A coded message that has survived billions of years and millions of mutations and still exits in all living things today. Finding and decoding that message may be the only thing that saves us from the Dinosaurs Revenge.

NEXT:
Pangaea, Just Another Day In Paradise

Snow White and The Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective Dwarfs

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snow

Once upon a time, there was a fantastic opening line for storytelling. A brilliant line in which you could use to begin a story and introduce the main character, be it a queen, a prince, a witch, a beautiful young women, or even three little pigs. From there you could then begin adding whatever elements help you to spin your yarn, be it spinning yarn or spinning straw into gold, poisoning apples, candy houses, gingerbread men, or any metaphor for life you use as your icon to express your points. The brothers Grimm were expert at this having woven a plethora of subliminal tales that kept the young ones starry eyed and motionless awaiting the end.
One story in particular has infiltrated our culture assaulting our values having us accept an unmarried young lady living with seven diamond mining miscreant males deep in the woods. If a young lady today admitted to living with seven dwarfs she would likely be telling the story on her reality television show. Come to think of it, the dwarfs somewhat resemble a much tinier version of the crew of Duck Dynasty. Here comes Snowy Boo Boo and the bayou backwoods jokers. Who are these seven dwarfs anyway? The truth is Snow White has a book deal in the works and has officially chosen The Existential Baker to prepare the press release.
Hers is a story of the consummate underdog overcoming all the odds and poor advice to remain atop the world of Fairy Tales. Snow is perhaps the most loved and popular fairy tale heroines of all time. Mary had her little lambs, Belle had her beast, Red had her wolf grandma, Ariel her voice, and Gldilocks had her choice of porridge, but none had to struggle as hard to remain an icon. Quite frankly when it came to giving advice, the little legends sucked.
.Having been given the name Snow White was the real curse. She was forced to live her life giving everyone the impression she is as pure as the driven snow when in fact murky slush is a better description. And worse than that she had to deal with Queen bitch on wheels. The mean queen gazes constantly into her mirror making duck faces and taking selfies when she notices a few new wrinkles one day. The celeb gossip paper, The Daily Mirror posts a story of how much younger and prettier Snow is so she hires a duck hunter to cut out Snows heart. The duck hunter realizes its rabbit season so he fakes her death brining back the heart of an alligator or something and the queen thinks she is back on top of the pretty polls. Discovering the hunters deceptive practice the queen has a fit, kills him then poisons Snow. Snow enters into a coma at the Dwarfs crib ( what happened during those days is an upcoming tell all written by Doc) and stays that way until a full grown dude, a prince or something slips her the tongue effectively waking her from the coma, and the perfect ending, they live happily ever after.
Snow tells a different story, one of bumbling and mistakes that could have been avoided had she not been under the care of the seven ineffective Dwarfs and she is finally ready to expose them not as helpful concerned garden gnomes, but the bumbling mini clods they really are. It’s a self help book designed to assist anyone in need avoid having themselves thrown headfirst into a coma awaiting a necrophiliac prince to come and kiss them. At one point or another each of the dwarfs has a golden opportunity to avoid the painful tribulation. Here’s a synopsis of her story.

Independence

Bashful’s unpopular advice . “Be reactive not proactive Snow, wait until something happens before you get ahead of yourself. Just always have the fan point away from you so when the shit really hits it won’t get all over you. You know the witch has done bad things to others but how can you know what she will do until it happens? Could be in a piece of fruit, could be a dart, or maybe she is just gonna roofie you at the bar. Worrying about it won’t get you anywhere, wait until she makes her move, then we can plan a counter attack. Besides, that way you won’t have to go out into any social situations where you need to meet knew people.”
Dopey’s dope advice. “Begin at the beginning not with the end in mind. Puff a bowl before you do anything so you won’t need a plan or to be organized. Don’t waste your time worrying about the end game, you may never even need it.Just get high and make sure theres lots of munchies around. Being proactive is like a belt made of watches, nothing but a waist of time.
Sleepy’s alarming advice. “No need to assign any priorities to anything. Best thing to do when your worried about stuff is to sleep on it, don’t do anything until you’ve had a good nights sleep and a couple of naps. Sleeping never hurt anyone, you don‘t lose when you snooze you get more when you snore! Just don’t forget to set your false alarm clock.”
Inter-dependence

Grumpy’s begrudging advice. “Who cares about a solution? Win-win? Balderdash, poppycock, bullshit! The only one who should win is me. But do I ever win? No! So the hell with everyone else, just look out for numero uno sister.

Sneezy’s nasal advice. This is my feeling, and its nothing to sneeze at Snow. When she tries to talk don‘t listen to what she has to say, drown out her words with a big sneeze. A few snot droplets does wonders in getting someone’s attention. Then you don’t have to hear them whine or anything. You don’t need to seek to understand, she has nothing to offer, unless she has like a box of tissues.

Happy’s stoner advice. Synergize my ass Snow. You need to like energize with a re bull and a blunt. You want people to work with you and get stuff done get them high and give them some Red Bulls, then they’ll like do whatever you want. They’ll even…..Oh man I forgot what I was saying. Anyway Snow everyone likes some good weed, to get, ah, to get, um, I forget again, but whatever, just light one up and you’ll have everyone on your side and like ready to help or something. Oh yea, and bring pizza man, everyone loves pizza.

Finally Doc gives his professional opinion. “ Let me fill you out a prescription. What do you want some pain killers? I’ll hook you up with some percocet, that should help. Sharpen the saw my dear, you never know when you may need to build stuff.

So you see Snow has quite a tale to tell, a story of what should have been a painless succes free of coma’s and necrophiliac orgies. Because of the habits of her ineffective Dwarfs she dealt with much peril and many hardships. Be sure to look for Snow’s follow up sequel called “Show Me The Monkey”. It promise to be full of salacious tales of the groups secret life in the forest. Also soon to be released is Doc’s new tell all. The Magnificent Seven ride again. High ho high ho its into bed they go. Big things come from men with small packages. …Peace