The Gospel According To Fluke (another sick bastard bible selection)


A disastrous misprint was made in the preface of Fluke when describing his reason for writing it. A typo of biblical proportions has us believing Fluke was writing a historical account when what he actually chiseled onto the slate was a hysterical account. Fluke was the joker of the group, the merry apostle. The disciple class clown always making fart noises when Jesus was preaching, and goosing Mary Magdalene when no one watched. Mary would squeal and turn around never sure if it was Judas “roaming hands” Iscariot, Peter the pedophile, or Fluke The Funny. So when Fluke set out to tell his version of the life of JC it was meant as a comedy.

Flukes version contains the story of John Hobbit The Baptist and is followed with a trilogy of parables about A prodigal son, a good Samaritan, and a gold coin. The true authorship has been in question an many biblical scholars disagree on whether he had a ghost writer named JRR, or if it was written by a team of Jewish writers up in the Catskills. No matter, The existential Baker plans on using his creative license, which doesn’t expire until next year, to re-interpret the important stories in the Gospel According to Fluke.

John the Baptist was a short man with huge feet whose ministry practice was limited to The Shire, a land of god fearing hobbits who were as diminutive in strength as they were in size. John convinced them they were the meek and would one day inherit the earth. He left out the part about it being middle earth, but they’re brains were pretty tiny as well. In fact the only disproportionately large part of them at all aside from their feet was their…. well their hobbit poles. Many believe it was the incessant squealing from the lady hobbits that drew Jesus to the Shire when in fact he heard “Son of god are you coming” when they were screeching “Oh my god I’m coming.” But Jesus did arrive and John the Hobbit was there to baptize him in the wilderness of the Shire.

After dunking Jeez a few times in hobbit water John announced to the crowd watching that this guy JC claims to be the son of god and he believes the story asking them to follow him. On Twitter. Jesus acquired over 200 followers that day and thanked John, who noticed his gold wedding band was missing. He was concerned perhaps the carpenter had snuck this the ring off his finger and pocketed it for himself. Aside from being his wedding band the ring had magical powers.

It seems that during a wild bachelor party hosted by a wizard friend who gets John Hobbit drunk and convinces him to become a burglar to steal a gold ring from a dragon that had stowed away on Noah’s Ark. But John comes across an outcast named Gollum who challenges him to a game of Candy Crush Saga. John Hobbit used his gaming skills to extract the ring which can turn the holder invisible.

John cornered Jesus in a temple bingo room but just as John grabbed him Jesus disappeared one can only assume, using the stolen ring. John would never find out as the last part of Flukes story of John The Hobbit Baptist ended with Johns head rolling around on a platter some Orcs served to King Herod as a present from Sauron.

Having some decent success with his first story of the Shire Fluke sat down to write a trilogy of three parables Jesus had told calling it “The Lord Made Off With The Ring” It would one day become a blockbuster. It is Fluke tale of how Jesus convinced a theater full of people to believe in his god with reverence. The crowd gathered to hear how they themselves could become free of sin in five easy payments, and this is how Jesus accomplished the feat.

He started out so simple, with the fellowship of the sheep. Seems a farmer had 100 sheep and one of the sheep was a sinner, sneaking around an getting into the lady sheep’s woolen love buttons. So ecstatic from the sex was this sheep it got lost. The shepherd asked Jesus why he should chase this one sheep instead of just caring for the other 99. Jeez said, “There is great joy in heaven when a sinner repents. Go to him, forgive him and allow him back in the flock.” The shepherd did as he was told spending hour searching for the lost sheep to find an forgive him. As a reward for doing as he was told, Jesus gave the shepherd a woolen sweater and a case of Woolite for the flock.

The second parable was the Coins in The Tower. A woman was up in her ivory tower counting her coins when she noticed one missing. She called down to her friends and everyone searched. When the woman found the coin Jesus aid to her, “There is great joy in heaven when one rejoices with others in the presence of angels. Call your friends, rejoice with them and make the angels happy.” So the woman called her friends and to help her rejoice invited them to Marini’s Bar, where every time a bell rings an angel gets their wings. The angels got their wings, the woman’s friends got drunk for free, and the woman got Jesus out of her tower so she could go back to her old lifestyle.

The final story the J man told the crowd was “The Return Of The Son”. This was to be Flukes cornerstone parable, the one everyone would remember, maybe even resulting in a few prequels. It seems a father had two sons and the youngest one asked for his inheritance early before the Dad croaks. The father can’t wait to get the long haired lazy boy out of the house so he agrees as long as the kid takes the money and runs. He does just that, blowing all the money, much of it ironically blown on blow, and en up running out of money. He skulks back home but surprisingly the father has had a change of heart. Literally, he had a heart transplant and was now much stronger and virile. He had found a new lover and was into partying himself. The older son was livid and denied his little brother existence. Jesus took the older brother aside and told him, “God is holy and cannot allow sin, but he must leave room in his heart for forgiveness and remain humble. So shut up, be humble, and go have some friggen fun!”

These are the stories Fluke was working on at any rate. Of course this version never made it to the official bible, but it can be found along with many other truthful accounts of ancient times in The Sick Bastards Bible. So stop reading and go have dome friggen fun!!!!! PEACE

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