Tag: depression

Everybody Leaves

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everybody leaves

 

No one stays
Family and friends
Lovers and companions
Acquaintances in the park
Strangers on the train
Sinners and saints
They all go away
Leaving me alone
With my personal passenger
Telling me what to think
Inserting his will
I’ve spent so many hours
Trying to understand
What no longer matters
Because no one cares
When we jump the nest
Escape the chains of birth
Friends blow in the wind
Like fresh fallen leaves
Everybody leaves

 
Do you have to go
It’s much too soon
We barely blinked
Found a second
A floating bubble
One scene in my movie
An act in a play
Then it slipped away
I had once believed
We held the world in hand
Had every answer
Life bursting eternal
But love just comes
And then it goes
Runs away
With all the thrills
Tucked under it’s arm
We put our hearts out on our sleeves
Then everybody leaves

 

I tolerate life
In a world full of demons
Hoping to acquire
The true wisdom
Of an angel
So I meditate
In the shadow of my ego
Contemplating the evil
That makes me whole
When a voice speaks
Through my sanity
I deserve the punishment
I accept my penance
Surrounded by support
My amends are sincere
Offered in confession
A gift from my soul
Which my personal passenger
Most Happily receives
Once everybody leaves

 

SHE HIDES

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a tear

 

 

There are tears in her eyes but no one can tell
She’s living in Hell but she hides it so well
Promises lost
Abandoned
Like an unopened package
Left in the storm
Pieces of dreams
Scattered across a highway
Fade into fog
One horror filled sunset
One mortal error
A vow broken
A veil fades to black
Hidden from sight
She hides alone
Concealing fright
Her chameleon smile
Shines like she’s fine
But her withered eyes
Can’t hide the whimper
The sobbing from her soul
Living in half
Chained to her memories
Despondent inside
The pain of loneliness the weight of despair
Thinks life would be better if she just didn’t care
So she hides
Stretching each sunrise
To her duty of care
The demands of children
The veins of her heart
Survival her goal
A day at a time
But oh so alone
Its just so exhausting
Life on a treadmill
Trying to outrun stress
No one to shoulder
The burdening tears
Staring at the vodka she hides under the sink
Come my best friend lets have us a drink
She hides
There are tears in her eyes but no one can tell
You’ll never see the hurt because she hides it so well
She turns up the music
So no one will hear
The sound of the scars
That beat from her heart
The wounds lay open
She turns out the light
Feels for some comfort
But touches the wind
All that remains
One lonely sheet
And yesterdays dreams
You can’t hug a memory
Or so it seems
Alone in bed every nigh until the torture subsides
Alone in her bed
She hides

Missed Connection

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©Jérôme Gorin/AltoPress/Maxppp ; Little boy on swing, rear view

 

 

I missed them

The signs

How could I not see

When he meant so much to me

The ray of sunshine he could be

The best friend I ever had

Sir Galahad

A man so full of life

Until he wasn’t

And I never saw

 

Why couldn’t I see

His torture and his shame

Driving him insane

The laughter and the pain

As people giggled at his name

From far away

But loud enough to hurt

They shred him with a claw

But I never saw

I loved the man despite every flaw

I missed the signs

 

I’ve cheated death three times over

Now his death is cheating me still

Of the days that never came

The days that never will

Times we rode together

No place to call a home

We were gonna search the country

Together always roam

Until you wrote your final chapter

Left me all alone

Standing in empty lines

I saw all you in all your beauty

But I never saw the signs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorrows Never Drown (FML)

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sorrows

 

Life at the local tavern

A bar built for the glum

Where my troubles hide in a tall spotted glass

Been hurt here before

Yet still I come back for more

A shot of fuck it and a stool for my ass

 

 

Oceans of tequila and sin

Rivers of forgotten dreams

Breathing stale smoke that helps numb my brain

But its me who is drowning

Three times down I go under

As I keep guzzling worlds are circling the drain

 

 

I keep pounding them down

Yet my sorrows won’t drown

When my hangover starts they come back to appear

Still I drink just the same

It’s an unending game

Because when I’m drunk I just don’t fucking care

 

 

Why do we come back to this vacuum

Chained to mundane desperations

While trapped in a labyrinth built on the life of a lie

Come pour us liquid relief

Our lives are tragically brief

But the rum is why we come here in handcuffs to die

 

Weeks morph into mornings

Can’t even tell day from night

The lost time fills me with anger confusion and strife

One more lonely night

No one to console me

Sorrows never drown so I cry Fuck My Life

 

 

AGAIN

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again

 

So here I am

Again

My possessions by my side

Darkened hallways where I hide

Running from my convictions

My hand forced from my evictions

Running away

Again

All alone and empty

Every now and then

Walk among misfortune

Run against the wind

Again

Boarding another broken train

Different city same old pain

Typical scene in rear view back

Dulling pounding headaches

Another run down shack

Fade to black

Again

 

 

 

Gotta keep decaying

Rust won’t ever rest

I keep moving backward

Doing what I do best

Another chapter another failure

Did my time

Paid my jailor

Been kicked out of better places

Same old lovers different faces

Yet here I am

Again

 

A Cul de Sac life

Paying interest on a demons spell

I wish for just this once

My life would work out well

Just one fucking happy ever-after

Instead of the merciless laughter

Not too much to ask

Instead I get repaid

In a dubious before and after

Again

 

 

So here I stand

At the gates of indecision

The gates of my own prison

The one of my own making

Exhausted from the faking

And

Trying hard to remember

What its like to win

Can’t get out from under my frustrations

So I travel without a destination

Toward a universal mediocrity

Where I’m just another wannabe

Like the loser who’s in front of me

Leading me down a twisted path

Again

 

 

Don’t know where I’m going

But damn sure of where I’ve been

Same fucking tireless trail

No answers from within

Stopped believing long ago

OM

I’m on my own

A new shaky roads about to begin

Again and again

Sometimes failure is the only option

And I am facing that option

Once Again

 

Who I Appear To Be

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appear

 

 

Everybody has their chameleon, a way to hide their inner self. When we’re with people we slip on our alternative skin an appear to be someone else, the one we call our true selves. We hide the inner self because it frightens us. We worry if the inner us is revealed no one will like us, not even ourselves. We live in what we appear to be but slip in and out of the inner us when no one is around. Sometimes we spend so much time going back and forth we forget which one we are, we slip a bit to deeply into our dark selves. Many times I wonder who am I today……

 

My Dad never even tried to understand me

His self importance was the rule of the day

Whenever important questions burnt within me

He shrugged his shoulders and pushed me away

Reading words he found inside a fortune cookie

Was the only advice he ever donated my mind

Dismissed dismayed dejected and disappointed

All my dad ever really left me was behind

 

 

My brain is bruised my mind abused my thoughts unused

I’m alone…..confused

Can’t sleep

I’m on the edge

Falling over

Slipping down deep

Gotta move

My insides are spinning

The walls are closing in

And I’m stuck in it

The pressure is so painful

Scream!

Coming undone

I’m broken

Not joking

Insanity on thin ice

Seams are bursting

Jesus Christ

I want to die

Which me am I?

 

Here’s the deal

Death has it’s appeal, no more pain or illusion

No confusion

Maybe I’ll find dignity in self termination

No more repetitive aimless wandering despondantly

I know the end will bring me my total isolation

Desolation

But I’ll be free

No horns no sirens not one fucking phone call

I’ll finally be able to get a good night sleep

Or maybe I should make a deal with my big bad wolf

Who keeps hiding in my psyche so deep

Now I see

I can’t make a pact with the devil because the devil is me

 

If he dies so will I

Lose my flesh lose my bone

Why?

The devil just never shuts up

Forcing his thoughts in my head

Tells me

I’m the monster from under my bed

He mocks me and taunts me

The dark passenger haunts me

Makes me doubt and deplore me

He will never leave me alone

He reminds me I’m nothing

My soul he keeps crushing

Let go with a whimpering moan

Float away

Or stay?

Who’s making my mind up anyway?

I know I’m the one who must choose

And you may think you know me but…

I’m really not who I appear to be

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cerebral Cabal

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cerebral

 

Fireflies behind my eyes

Fluttering about

Blinking

Chattering

Softly first

Then screaming

Shut up!

Make them go away

They don’t belong

Who are they?

Why are they in my head?

The answer is within

I am anger

Rage

Livid pain

Burning eyes

Staring hatred

Searing skin

I am you

I am fear

Shivering alone

Petrified

Trembling pain

Paralyzed by thought

Stuck in your worthless void

I am you

I am insignificance

The losing team

Last place

Again

Dejected and ashamed

I suck

Its your fault

I am you

I am guilt

Mortified

Humiliated

Crying in the shadows

Face charred red

Head hung low

Abased, abused

I am you

I am contempt

Displeased

Disgusted

Rotting in your presence

Disdainfully at your side

Putrid vile fool

I am the stench of you

I am you

I am disgrace

Undeserving

Ridiculous

Pity the petty maggot

 

We are you

United and free

You’re cerebral cabal

We are desperation

We are loud

Listen to us

We are you

You are us

All talking at the same time

So an idiot slug like you understands

You are nothing

Open your ears

Hear the disgust

Open your eyes

See the truth

You are an aberration

Miscreant

Wretched piece of nothingness

Go now

Hurt someone

Devour someone

Kill someone

Kill yourself

 

Quiet!

Its you that must die

A capsule of therapy

To help me forget you

A bottle of strength

To shut you up

Make you scatter

Make you leave

You never stop

Leave me alone

You are not me

I am not you

I will stop you all

It will end

We will end

All things must end so let my ending be a new beginning or let me go to sleep

 

No One Cares

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used

 

 

The scars on her wrist

Betray her despair

Nothing there

Barren and bare

No one cares

Pain behind her eyes

Reflects empty visions

Unreachable missions

A life of omission

No one to share

Nobody cares

The tremble in her voice

Screams please end my life

The struggles and strife

Unanswered prayers

Life’s never fair

No one cares

 

Broken

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break

 

 

 

 

Woke up confused

Eyes shut open wide

Remembered a dream

Love so deep inside

Passion in the air

Undiluted truth

Silk and satin sheets

Unbridled youth

Was it a fantasy

Cosmic deception

Maybe just a wish

Looking for perception

Heaven?

Hell?

Hard to tell

But we were

What we were

Riding supernova waves

High on living life

Sleeping in the sun

Rising up at noon

Loving in the dark

Shadows in the night

Crying in the stars

Laughing at the moon

Until one day

My smile

Got up and left

Leaving a void in its wake

Much too soon

 

Pain

Tattooed on my soul

Dismay

A scar in my heart

Anger

In tears that I cry

Despair

From falling apart

Desolation

Promised sorrow

Bleakness

My one true belief

Hurt

Left in the wake

Death

Omnipresent relief

 

HE RAN OUT

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he ran

He ran out of life
Before he ran out of time
Imprisoned by thought
Chained to apathy
Searching for more
Finding less

He ran out of light
Before he ran out of fire
Burning with pain
Blisters and tears
Searching for a spark
Finding scorched ash

He ran out of passion
Before he ran out of desire
Weak in the flesh
Dead in the soul
Searching for hope
Finding despair

So he ran out