JT’s Most Awesome Travels

start

The Beginning

by JT Hilltop

 

Prelude

We all had our demons but sometimes I felt as though I had more than I deserved. Seems I was given a lion’s share of self destructive tendencies and sometimes took to creating my own. Yea that’s me, JT Hilltop, king of demon manufacturing. Never could figure out why, It’s not like I grew up in a dangerous town or in a bad family situation. I mean Centerlawn was like this sprawling suburban paradise beach community jam packed full of upstanding citizens. It was actually once my father’s summer retreat from the perils of his Brooklyn childhood. Apparently my Grandparents took him and my uncles here for two weeks every summer and for them it was like vacationing in The fucking Garden of Eden or something like that. That’s where I grew up, Centerlawn “Lawn Guylan” a sleepy little North Shore haven just below the Gatsby Gold Coast section of the island. A town of great cultural diversity. Irish, Italian, Jewish, German, and various Latin ethnicities flocked to the small coastal town to escape the growing fears of living in the tough cement neighborhoods of New York City, The Bronx, and Brooklyn. It was an innocent and pioneer like community of urban sooner and boomers. They formed close knit ties with diverse neighborhoods where families looked out for each other very closely. Too close for my comfort because made it very difficult to get away with any bullshit, which is supposed to be part of a growing young mans diet. One neighbor saw Joe’s son smoking a cigarette, another noticed my sister with a boy much too old for her. It was like CCTV only verbal. You couldn’t flirt with the next door neighbors daughter without the entire block asking your intentions. It was always a bad situation if my Mom said, “where have you been?” Do I run the risk of telling a lie and hope no one saw me, or fess up with the strong possibility that a nosey neighbor told my Mom she saw me at the mall? If only these were the toughest decisions to maker in this so called Hamlet then I may have lived a simple mundane life like everyone else in suburbia. I’d have gotten a good job, settled down, raised a family. The American dream was right in front of me like a brass ring and all I had to do was reach out and grab it. But alongside that brass ring, was a tempting seductive lure far more dangerous than any forbidden fruit. And I really dug forbidden fruits!
If you knew the right people it was a world filled with money, drugs, crime, and the promise of unrestricted sex but the price was a piece of your soul. A big piece. If you put up your innocence as a down payment you were promised thrilling high speed ride with many salacious twists and turns. It wasn’t hard for my best friend Ken and I to choose to ride that ride. Adventure was in our blood and we thrived on tickling our adrenal glands, especially when we got high. Ah yes, getting high. The norm in high school. More than just a kick or a pastime for us we had turned it into a Goddam art form. Bongs, water pipes, chamber pipes, and assorted “drug paraphernalia” at the tips of our fingers. We could get rolling papers right up the road at the stationery store, or hitchhike into the village and go to a head shop for an assortment of pipes and rolling machines. We even had special names for our smokes, Panamanian Red, Acapulco Gold, Green weed, Skunk weed, Wheelchair weed, and on and on. One friend, Patrick, even had a six foot bamboo pipe that took two people to use. That little beauty filled the whole six foot of length with one hit of smoke so huge it could fill up the lungs of a fucking elephant. And let me tell you when that hit filled your lungs it would take a damn elephant not to cough. That was my favorite smoking implement but it didn’t come out very often. What the hell, I guess I would have had an impossible time sneaking something like that out of my room too. But Patrick’s parents were pretty naïve and he got away with all kinds of shit. Me and Ken had to be careful, our parents were stricter than most. That made escaping or hiding from the cops so alluring. If the pigs catch us at our shenanigans the amount of shit that would hit the fan could cover a football field. Maybe two.

In the backdrop of this little utopia was a huge cauldron of a media inspired sizzling hot generation gap. A war in Viet Nam, a disregard for civil rights, women’s rights, and youth rights, added to the police brutality all over the country had boiled to the top and threatened to spill over into the kitchens all across Centerlawn pitting sons against fathers and daughters against mothers. It was no wonder all we ever cared about was getting high. My brother was in the army and if things continue the way they are my entire neighborhood would be in Viet Nam in two years. Being in high school sucked, but it sure was better than being shot at. Anyway, time for some old fashioned get high, let the search begin.

I. School Daze

A typically boring day in school, cutting class was necessary to keep from dying o0d boredom. So it was time to go and look for a little buzz. By now almost everyone in my high school was smoking pot. So much pot in fact we wondered if that was how it earned the term “high” school. We knew that was just a joke of course but the amount of marijuana in the hallways was really was substantial. I had earned a reputation for being one of the more prolific puffers. I could puff a huge doobie all by myself and still be able to go to any class and function. Except maybe gym. Yea the “jocks” Those boneheaded sports enthusiast loved to pick on us longhairs. They talked like what I assume was the Cro-Magnon vernacular saying well thought out repetitive jokes like “Hey, is that a girl in our gym class? Hey girlie, the girls gym is next door.” So many times I wanted to say something like “Oh I know, I share a locker with your girlfriend”, but I am much too nice a guy. Then again maybe it was because they would have kicked my ass with their Charles Atlas biceps. Not wanting to get sand kicked in my eyes I opted for keeping it an inside joke. They really would kick my ass if they ever found out I had sold and smoked pot with most of their girlfriends at one time or another.

Whenever I got bored, which usually only happened on school days, I engaged in a ritual tradition that Ken and the rest of my band of merry marauders enjoyed engaging in called “Find some Buzz”. We would go in search of anyone that had a joint, or a chunk of hash, and ask them to front us a hit. More often than not when a good friend came by they would ask us if we wanted some buzz before we even asked because we always shared our stash, no one really liked to smoke alone. It wasn’t really unusual for Ken and I to run into each other in school because we had a certain few places we always hung out at that were prime hiding spots while cutting class. Today would be no different. “Hey dude, I have a fucking brilliant idea.” Ken was the idea man and had tons of them. “And we should start saving money for it right now.” As always, Ken immediately garnered my curiosity having blown me away with truly great ideas so often. Ken was brilliant and creative. Many of the other students laughed at him back in Jr. high, because when he moved here from Oklahoma he was the first boy in school to have really long hair. All of five foot tall, he had long flowing blond hair that was parted in the middle cascading over his shoulders and half way down his back. He had a rebel soul and I was drawn to him instantly. Like most of the male students, I had started growing my hair long in part to look cool, but more importantly to piss off my Mom and Dad. Most all of us had developed a twitch from keeping our long bangs out of our eyes. We all wanted to be Beatle “moptops”. But Ken was ahead of the curve and had already grown his hair long like……well like a girl. That was also part of Kens appeal, he seemed to know ahead of everyone else what was in style before it actually came in style. He had gone from a long haired geek freak that was made fun of, to a well respected member of the hippie rebellion ranks. Proudly I admit I had much to do with his rise to “coolness” because I was considered one of the “cool” kids since fourth grade. It wasn’t that I actually was cool, but I had an older brother and even older sister who had created reputations with the teachers. Those reputations preceded me. I was cool by association. I played football and baseball with the “older” kids, got rides in my sisters boyfriends “Surf Woody”, and just always hung out with the older kids. So my becoming Kens friend had helped him gain acceptance and move up the hipster social ranks quickly with my friends. It wasn’t long until they too saw how insightful he was to popular culture and trends. Before the end of the 9th grade we were all growing our hair long, and wearing cool clothes like bell bottom pants and double breasted balloon sleeve shirts. Checks, stripes, paisley prints, the brighter the better and no worries if it doesn’t match. Now we all had real long hair, afro’s, long straight hair, super curly locks or like mine long wavy banana curls.

My first thought was to relieve the boredom so I told Ken, “Cool dude, but lets go out to La Bomba and do a bowl first. You still got that hash?” As always, Ken would came through. “Of course bro, some nice opium streaked black Afghanistan. Lets go asshole.” I hated his “lets go asshole” phrase but he always sang it like a commercial jingle and everyone laughed, so I just dealt with it. Off we went to the parking lot to climb into my car to smoke some hash. My little red Simca, A French sedan type car that was Frances answer to the Volkswagen, “La Bomba” is what we called the car and it was our entire groups pot smoking haven. I never locked the doors because so many of my friends used it at various times of the day, even if I wasn’t there. But this day, at this moment, no one else was around. I could tell Ken was happy about that because he really wanted to talk about his idea. Tell you the truth, I was pretty anxious as well. As he filled his chamber pipe with a small piece of black hash I needed to know. “So Ken, what’s this new idea?” Not a ground breaking or earth shattering way to ask but I got my question out. “ Well, here’s the thing.” I heard the match strike and light up as he put the pipe to his lips and lit the hash. He spoke as he was inhaling and his voice got lower and stranger as he talked as if gasping for a last breath but had to get a statement out. The interior of my little red bomba filled up with the sweet herbal haze of hash smoke. In between inhaling and holding the smoke Ken laid out his plan. We would be graduating in two year’s and with no job or plan for college Ken was open for an adventure. I did have a job, but it was just a job not a career. I was up for adventure too and most likely not attending college either. The choice was basically go to college, get drafted, or leave the country. I was smart enough for college but my grades had fallen substantially over the last two and a half years. I stopped putting in any effort after my Dad called me a worthless communist because I did a project about the dreaded USSR and the positive side of Socialism. I took the point of view that they had some redeeming values. Controversial but worthy of an A+ from my “liberal” social studies teacher. Instead of being proud he freaked on me. What an asshole! Anyway our fates will be in the hands of our government considering we would more than likely be shipped off to Viet Nam. Ken thought we could save up some cash, get a video camera and supplies, and head out to Chicago. “Jesus shit man, we can burn our draft cards and just get the fuck out of town.” His idea was to start at one end of Rt. 66 and travel to the other end to Santa Monica where we could settle in with the hippies of California. “You know man that’s a great fucking idea, we can be like those two guys on Rt 66, I’ll be Buzz and you can be Todd.” Ken gave me a punch, “No fucking way man, I’m Buzz, you’re more the Todd type. If either of them dudes were around today Buzz would definitely be in a band. Todd would have a silver pen!” Ken had a love of guitar and film and I wanted to write. His idea was to basically make a kind of documentary of the trip, Ken with his camera and me with my pen. “Bro, you can write the whole thing down in your notebook.” Yea, my notebook, JT’s bible. I took my notebook almost everywhere convinced I was the next James Michner, Jack Kerouac, or maybe even Ken Kesey who wrote about the life of the Merry Pranksters. My book was full of poems, short stories, or just a few of my abstract observations. Ken’s idea blew me away. To me it was brilliant, the chance of a lifetime. RT 66 was so historic, a television show, the route for all the dust bowlers of the 1930’s who fled to California to escape poverty. Route 66 was the sort of scenic route people took who just wanted to migrate to Los Angeles. I mean Jesus shit, the fucking stones do a tune about it. Brilliant choice, from Chicago to Los Angeles via Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Texas, and Arizona. Ken shot me his infamous shit eating grin and said, “whatcha think, lets go asshole.” I was sold instantly.

I’m Miserable Right?

Jethro Tull - Aqualung

 

 

I’m miserable, right? So I down a glass of vodka…. I’m still miserable, right? Although not quite as miserable as before. So I down another vodka. I’m still miserable, right? Well maybe not miserable but I’m still uptight. So I down another glass of vodka. I’m still mizabell rightio? Well not exactly mizzabrell, I feel kinda okay. Matter of fact I’m feeling pretty shitty good. So I have another vodka. Now I’m feeling it. Matter a fack I may actually be shhhhhh-happy. My oh my that vodka sure is a damn cure all. Onliest problem izzz, when I wakesh up tommorry, I gun be mishabelll all over again. So why’m I so doggone angry alla time these days?

Well to tell ya the truth I believe it began the day I received the letter. Oh yes my brothers and sisters, the letter is coming in the mail for all of us if y‘all haven’t received it already. That dreaded piece of shit envelope with my name on it from AARP. Say what? AARP??? You must want my damn father because I ain’t ready for no bullshit Retired Persons mail. That would make a a goddamn freaking SENIOR! Thinking she was being helpful my baby girl daughter pointed out that it would mean bookoo senior discounts, like at movies and ice cream stores. While she saw savings on really cool things like Netflix and Ice Cream Chill I viewed it as an insult to my entire generation. WTF? We aren’t seniors! We are classic humans who had the good music. We are the generation that had to walk barefoot in the snow uphill both ways just to buy rolling papers at the stationary store. We lived through the drought of 76 when we went three and a half weeks without any weed in town. Not even homegrown. We are far from ready to cash it in and get on the senior tour bus, we’re still digging the psychedelic tangerine flake hippie tie-dye bus tour. Anyway, that’s what started it all, when I got an AARP card reality hit me like a glass of prune juice on the rocks. That’s when I came to understand that I have become the ripped up pair of jeans that are no longer worn but were so comfortable back in time that I can’t throw them away. I am those old comfortable shoes that went out of style years ago but still take up room in the closet. Nowe I’m miserable again.

I was never really a big fan of reality but when it knocks you have no choice but to let it in. And here is the reality….I’m not getting old, I am fucking old! And so it became that my new angry path was the golden road to grumpy old mandom. My sarcastic wit was far too quickly morphing into cynicism and distrust. I was becoming grumpy about everything so I took stock of myself and let reality come in for a visit. Reality entered my abode like a bull in a china shop, it was like a cannonball of facts. Crows feet? I got damn ravens legs. WTF are those wrinkles? That’s just because my skin don’t fit as tight as it used to even though it’s covering twice the mass. The ever increasing midsection of my body went beyond pear shape straight to an amoeba like glutton. Exercise? I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a rep of sit up’s today. The most work out I get is carrying the what I bought at the liquor store into the house. Okay, so getting old sucks and being old is worse but that’s really not a reason to be miserable. No one ever said life would be fair but giving me the knowledge I could have used thirty five years ago just ain’t right. No, that’s not what made me miserable on this particular occasion, it was the culmination of all that reality combined with a recent visit to a local bakery that broke the dromedary‘s spine. I went to get some rolls and a loaf of French bread to bring over to some friends place that had invited us for dinner. The sweet young counterperson said to me, “Have you seen our discount? Twenty cents off on Wednesday.” Well another part of aging is we become far more aware of costs than we used to. Twenty cents is twenty cents so I thanked her, paid and left. But when I got back to the car I began thinking she gave me far more than a twenty cent discount so with life playing unfair I put on my reading glasses and looked at the receipt. It said Senior Discount Wednesdays, 20% off. Puzzled because of oncoming senility it took me 10 minutes to realize she hadn’t said have you seen our discount, but We have our senior discount, and it wasn’t twenty cents, it was 20%. As I left the bakery I went straight to my happy place, the liquor store. Why? Because I’m miserable right? The Hell with this shit, I need another vodka……

 

JT Stays At The Motorcycle Club Safe House

safe house

 

J. T. Hilltop

Disclaimer…in order to preserve the integrity and anonymity of the motorcycle group in this story as well as my own personal protection for disclosing a few of their not so well guarded secrets I will refer to the group as the “Infidels” Infidels were original a name given to anti-Christian religions, kinda like Pagans. So this MC Club are the main rival club of the Angels from Hell and their name has Pagan roots. But I never said that……..

It Won’t Be Long Until You Belong

For reasons I won’t discuss I found myself a temporary resident of a safe house with the Infidels Motorcycle Club. Suffice to say my best friend Archie, who I knew since kindergarten was a member in good standing and it was at his request I was kept away from the world under the protection of his brother Infidels. It was keeping me safe more from myself than anything insidious but there I was, surrounded by a lively bunch of guys whose most obvious flaw was forgetting or simply not caring enough to bathe. (If you know a biker please don’t tell them I said that) To be honest once in the safe house where they let down their guarded style of confrontational outlaw anger and angst they were a remarkably gracious and fun group. They joked both with and about me and I kidded back in an extremely cautious manner. That said it was still my best interest to be aware and respectful of the clubs hierarchy.

The Bayshore Infidels are highly organized motorcycle club chapter with strict chapter rules and a deeply revered caste of social status within the group. My friend was a member in good standing but he had no special attributes, which basically meant he hadn’t earned upper club status through doing time in prison, beating the hell out of a rival club member, or earning the ultimate title of ITCB. That essentially intimated that the person removed an obstacle for a higher up. I Took Care Of Business (ITCB) loosely translates to I’m a homicidal maniac and if you fuck with any officer of our brotherhood you’ll be dead before you can apologize. Archie was a kind and mellow friend back in the day so it came as no surprise he hadn’t reached any of those statuses. Yet. He had however developed a certain air of violent behavior I hadn’t seen since we fought over Tonka toys and Lincoln Logs in kindergarten, and was quite intent of getting me to join his newfound club.

Archie explained to me how I could start off in the socially admired position of “hanger around”. The hanger around has literally no status with the club but is permitted to go on beer runs and clean up after parties to include numerous piles of stale beer stinking puke stains, piss puddles, and an array of DNA treasure troves so gross you don’t even want to guess at what they are or how they got where they did, let alone whom they belong to. As appealing as that sounded doubt had already begun churning up in my stomach. If you last past that for a year or two you may find yourself a member willing to sponsor you. Then you become a prospect and are allowed to begin proving yourself loyal. You do this in a number of ways which may involve getting into a fight with someone who disses the Infidel colors or someone’s bike, or by taking care of the wounded, and by becoming an official gopher and basically holding your head high while any and all members emasculate dissect embarrass harass and generally shit on you for everyone else’s amusement. Not able to wear colors as a prospect but at least no longer on DNA scrub detail unless there were no hanger arounds around. After that the levels and their status in the brotherhood vary but it sounded like a bloody violent and downright disgusting form of fraternal challenges that go on for a very long time before you earn the right to wear the patch, and add 1%er to you jacket. To be honest it sounded more like an unending audition for The Ultimate Jackass Movie featuring The Marquis De Sade.

But anyway I was here as a guest not a hopeful wannabe outlaw on two wheels despite the promise of oodles of drinking, smoking, and ass kicking. Besides, by the look of these behemoth brutes in this safe house it would more than likely my ass that would be on the kicked end and I‘m just not a fan of having my face nor my ass bloodied up. So it was with a modicum or more of trepidation that I joined in the fun we, or at least they were having. For lunch we had a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon premium beer. Aside from my sarcasm PBR’s were a staple not only with the biker crowd but also with the middle class kids that never got allowances so it wasn’t actually out of my social stratus anyway. The shit was cheap and good, two qualities us young know it all dudes liked in both beer and women. So it wasn’t an unfamiliar lunch but considering I was being “kept safe” it did lack a certain nourishment. That aside, it did take the edge off which was helping me get through my 3 days of safe house rehab. So the lunch was good but lacked any substance, but dinner hadn’t yet been considered. For dinner we had two six packs of PBR’s which while not much in the way of real vitamin intake it was jam packed with psychological vitamins. By seven o’clock my head was so numb nothing else mattered, which was after all why I was there in the first place.

I’m guessing it was more of Archie’s girlfriend, or “Chick” or “Mama” Lauren who decided we all needed something solid in our stomachs but at any rate at around 1AM or so Archie, Lauren, another couple who I won’t make a fake name for because I have no clue what their real names are anyway all packed in to a cage(a non motorcycle four wheeled vehicle) and headed out to a dinner. To the best of my compromised recollection I ordered Belgian Waffles. I say this because both Archie and :Lauren laughed their respective asses of the next day telling me I kept calling them belching waffles because my PBR diet had caused an enormous excess of gas.

The truth is I have very little memory of the diner or the waffles let alone any clue as to what I may or may not have said. Suffice to say it was an interesting first safe day with the Infidel Motorcycle Club who were all compassionate endearing, and even charming when away from the perils of everyday life among the citizens. I am forever in debt to to them for holding my hand through a very tough period of not just the three days I had hoped for but extending my safe visit for a five day experience I needed. That group of outstanding if intimidating riders helped me move on with my life free from at least one evil that no longer had it’s deep claws stuck into my circulatory system. Archie and I lost contact again but I have heard that he has since passed, and I haven’t a clue what became of Lauren or any one of the beautiful souls who saw me through my predicament but still I will love them forever.

Peace

 

 

 

 

 

 

FU Cancer

fu cancer

 

Somewhere in everyone’s life

Cancer comes creeping

Looking for a place to stay

Cancer says can I come in?

You want my answer

Fuck you Cancer

Taking away my friends

My friends friends

And worst of all my Mom

I was her baby boy

The last of five dudes

Plus a baby girl with attitude

Until you got us all riled

Just after Mom and I reconciled

Years of angers subsided

Cancer your so damn vile

Ripping away my smile

With a sarcastic guile

So soon after I had it back you attack

Killer disease laughing all the same

And its you alone whose to blame

She didn’t even know my fucking name

On the last day that ever was

For my Mom

 

 

Got the word from my brother

A phone call from Hell

Didn’t wanna hear what he had to tell

Hey Man, Moms dead

She died in her bed

You mean she was alone?

No Bro

Cancer was with her

In her bones

Along with moans and groans

Our worlds so damn cluttered

We both shuddered

It was our Mother

Then we cried

As the cancer tried to hide

The coward disease

Attacking with such ease

Fuck you

Cancer you sleaze

 

Oh that horrible day

My eyes filled with tears

My life in arrears

Can I please make amends?

Depends

Is your heart on the line

You’re purpose genuine

Will you honor her dream?

Did you ever heard her scream

I barely even knew she was sick

I was such a dick

I’m so sorry Mom

It was me who was too combative

Too erratic

You deserved more than I had to give

If only you had lived

But cancer made It’s choice

And the lord expects me to rejoice

Take umbrage in his vision

In Gods decision

She’s better off now

So that’s your best answer?

Well fuck you cancer

 

 

 

 

Death After Death part 2

p2

J.T. Hilltop

Life after death? Is that what’s to be with me? One thing for sure I can’t wait to meet this “Creator” at the bottom of the staircase. I started down the steps I had just recently negotiated in an odd mix of fear and curiosity. Halfway down I stopped and looked back up to ask one more question. My advisor was no longer there I was alone. The image, my Mom, my daughters, my love, my friends everyone I ever cared about were gone. They had all disappeared and I was alone with a notion. The notion that something was waiting at the bottom of the staircase and that something was the truth. What is truth? Is truth law? Will truth reveal all? Is truth unchanging or ever changing? Can I choose a dare instead of truth? Will it set me free? Does truth have feeling? Can I handle the truth? Will I find the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? And most importantly, are all these questions even necessary? Time to go on down to the bottom and find out!

No more questions I have my answer. Go downstairs and find out what the truth is. I proceeded cautiously not knowing if truth was an entity, a concept, or a trap. As I climbed downward I noticed that the staircase was spiral. But it wasn’t a spiral before. Or was it? Whatever, its time to bribe the piper, to face the joyous sounds expressed through musical instruments, time to get on the hippie multiple person transport vehicle and find out for myself. When I reached the bottom of the staircase no one was there, just a huge blackboard with some drawings and equations scrawled across it. There was a picture of a DNA strand, a helix, and a diagram of a Nautilus shell, diagrams of various ferns, flowers and plants all spiral in shape, and some sort of segment worm curled up tight. Tacked onto the top of the blackboard were 3 aerial photographs of massive super storms. On the other side of the board was all numbers, or rather symbols numbers and fractions and such. A math geeks orgasm. There were some I recognized like 3.14159265359, which I knew was pi, multiples of nine showing how each quotient adds back up to nine, (9×2=18..1+8=9,9×3=27..2+7=9..etc), as well as a series of equations that could not possibly be more foreign to me. Perhaps even Einstein would have found a spot amongst his quizzical locks to scratch his head and ponder the meaning. That said….What the Fuck?? What is all this shit supposed to mean to me? This is the truth? I didn’t understand what or why I was looking at this strange blackboard but I knew it would give me the answer to my…….Jesus shit I don’t even remember the question anymore. Not sure if it was what is life all about or what is death all about or something in between. Something important was here in front of me so I decided to give it a stab with the images and leave the math number and letters problem for the end. I looked closely at the image of the giant storms from an aerial view, the nautilus, and the ferns and realized that they were all spiral in shape. Just like the damn staircase. Come to think of it the DNA strand and helix are two spirals intertwined. I looked to the spiral formed by the segment worm all curled up. Then I thought about a milky way galaxy photo I had seen before. Out loud to no one I blurted out, “Holy fuck, its about spirals, like the fucking galaxy. That’s it!! The truth is spirals. Spirals!” I was overjoyed for about ten seconds until the next thought hit me. What the fuck do spirals have to do with anything? Again I spoke to no one. “Yea, that’s it, spirals. But that’s what? I still don’t get it, and I will never get what those stupid equations mean.” I stared up at the board and was startled when the no one I had been speaking to spoke back to me in a sort of scratchy and almost squeaky voice.. “You’re right, it is spirals. Even the equation is spiral, the golden spiral. I am quite impressed that your scientists and mathematicians have figured it out. Your people have learned much, and have lost me a lot of bets in my world. This logarithm, Pi, the DNA, all of the math up there is no accident, it’s my signature. Like a barcode or watermark you use to identify things, or a hologram The math problems are my hidden code that I myself scripted all over your universe. That ensures proof to all the other universe makers that this one here is mine and belongs to me. I call my universe ‘Omnia Etares”. The signature spirals appear everywhere. Galaxies are spiral, your DNA is a spiral, storms, shells, everything. That’s what happens when atoms collide, natural spirals form when the energy shoots out from both sides of the explosion in a whirlpool fashion forming a spiral. Imagine two cars colliding head on in slow motion. At the epicenter there would be a big explosion and parts from both cars would spray backwards. Pieces of the pieces travel to different distances depending on their weight or size, their mass. That’s how this universe and your sister universe started. I collided two atoms together and the resulting explosion was spread around and settle at different distances from the center. The beginning of two universes look like a surrealistic bowtie. The collision is the knot and identical universes fan out like the tie triangles Some of the larger pieces in each universe slam into each other forming planets, asteroids, comets, and even galaxies. It all travels in a spiral pattern even though its not perceptible to the eye. Why even this universe itself is spiral JT. I know common belief is it’s constantly expanding but that’s only part true, it is expanding as it spins inward and will in time settle until it slams into someone else’s universe. A better term for the vastness of space would be multiverse” I was so stunned to hear a voice I barely even processed what he had said let alone had the where withal to wonder how he knew my name. That is to say I thought I was stunned. When I actually turned to see who was talking to me I was galactically bewildered.

Not a tall muscular slender long-haired Herculean man as one might expect a creator or godlike truth teller to be but a rather diminutive and non athletic man with tightly curled short black hair. His nose was too big for his oblong face and he had what seemed a chronic case of chin stubble in a futile attempt at appearing cool. Not at all what I would expect as a creator, he seemed more like a tech geek at a Radio Shack or Best Buy. He was dressed the part of a scientist in a lab coat complete with black glasses, pencil behind the ear, and clipboard in hand.. He stared at me blankly as if he were completely done talking and I should just be assuring him I understood what he had said. But clearly I didn’t get it. “You? You’re God, you are the creator?” The tone of my voice was way too obvious in its incredulousness and cynicism. He did not look the least bit offended however and gave me an all too familiar condescending smile. “Not what you were expecting JT? Tell me what a creator looks like and I’ll see what I can do to make you feel more at ease.” I glared at him defiantly, “Well I certainly didn’t expect the creator to be so sarcastic, nor did I think it would be a nerd. What should I call you anyway, Mr. Adam collider, The Grand Creator of everything? That sounds awfully egocentric for a humble End all be all.” This time his smile was more genuine. “Now who’s being sarcastic? My name would be way to foreign to you to say so when you call me you can call me Al.” I couldn’t resist the Paul Simon reference and I replied with a chuckle, “like I can be your bodyguard and you can be my long lost friend?” He looked at me puzzled and with an air of confusion said, “No. Al, as in Albert Einstein. I am a physicist too but far beyond any human abilities. Einstein did come close however, so I just go by Al for you humans. I was the one who collided the atoms that formed the ‘Big Bang’ your people have been talking about.” I stared in total disbelief, “Wait Al, I need to sit down and sort this through.” My new friend, teacher, guru, and I assume Sherpa of my afterlife, this Al manifestation gave me a chair.

Al allowed me about ten minutes to gather my bearings. “ Maybe I should start at the beginning JT. What I am is similar to what you call a scientist but my form is from a very different universe. Call me a shift shaper if it’s easier but the truth is I’m more like pure energy with a conscience. In my universe the scientists create universes by colliding positive and negative atoms and try to find life on them. At some point they may even be able to create one here on your earth with one of those, what do you call them, particle accelerators, the Large Hadron Collider.” I was now starting to understand. “You mean like the one in Switzerland for CERN right? Some sort of underground tube ride for atoms that cost a few billion dollars and is supposed to make the scientific community all warm and fuzzy and shit. The Higgs Bosen God thingy. They are gonna recreate the …” It hit me. “Holy shit, the big fucking bang! They are going to create a new universe down there!“ Al rolled his eyes, looking more like a parent than a creator. “Put that way it seems less relevant, but yes that’s where it may happen. I hope they know what to do if they are successful. A universe expanding underground will get pretty messy. Anyway, they do a lot more than just that down there, they are gathering all kinds of information they believe will help them understand their universe.” My head was spinning and I was beginning to wonder if this was maybe some weird ass dream or something. A flash of questions hit me the first being about Al owning my universe. “Hold on there Al, your getting way ahead of me here. Lets go back a bit. Back to your signature thing. Are you telling me you created the universe and then invented pi, and those other math equations as a way of claiming this universe as your own? Sorry but that sounds ridiculous.”

This creator, this Al dude, had begun pacing by the blackboard rubbing his head while slightly tussling his poorly recreated hair. I assumed he was planning his answers. Once a scientist always a scientist I guess. Finally he spoke, “Okay JT, first I’ll tell you about my role in this and then we can get to the truth you search for so you can move on.” Even in the middle of this profound and hopefully enlightening philosophic discussion with either a spirit or alien the phrase move on was rather disconcerting. What the fuck did he mean by that? Perhaps I would be better off stalling him, but fuck that, then I’ll have to stay in this…..this classroom or lab or whatever. I shut up and let him continue. “So this is hard stuff to understand and I really don’t think its important to you but here goes. I am a universe scientist. Quantum physics is only scratching the surface vibrations if you pardon my pun. Everything is in constant motion but on a sub-sub-sub atomic level its imperceptible even to microscopes. Like tiny nose hair vibrations. You believe an atom is the smallest thing around, but its not. Reverse dark matter is. In our labs we create energy from this reverse dark matter, form them into tiny knots of energy similar to what you call atoms. It gives the energy mass, or substance. Inside this, let me call it a tiny ball of powerful energy, I placed my math equations to be constant throughout. Placed them in each of two atoms and had them spin at speeds that make light seem slow as a century. When those two balls of energy collided they created an explosion. It starts out very small, but like all explosions grew outwards. That’s your universe, or actually my universes, this one and your sister universe. Your sister universe has life to but not in any form you would recognize. It’s not like you sci-fy parallel universes with alternate realities. That is something else entirely and involves dimensions but we won’t get into that.” He looked at my blank face. “Too much JT?” I looked up at him with some degree of confidence, “No, not really. Well I was getting the whole universe thing but now you slam my brain with dimensions and alternate reality. What the fuck is that all about?” Al laughed out loud, but not a biting laugh, more like the laugh a parent might use when tackling difficult subjects. “That certainly is another discussion fopr another time my son, suffice to say you live in a dimension that has billions of other dimensions stacked up like a warehouse pallet. But let’s not go there yet, lets stick to universe creating. To one of the energy balls I added some carbon, to the other I added hydrogen which is the building foundation for life. So in essence, I created you and every living thing you have ever known. We can’t control life we only create it. All living things take its own direction. Every living thing in this universe is related, it began with one single cell. In this single cell organism was my signature math equations as well as instructions on duplicating. What your scientists have figured out to be DNA. A strand of information and instruction from me passed on to everything that reproduces, an owners manual if you will. Sometimes they just duplicate themselves out of extinction and other times, like on earth, two organisms collide and form a multi-cell organism, which creates the male and female structure. After that its all logarithmic growth creating more diversity at every split. You are a rather tiny and irrelevant part of it, but all universes experience forms of life and yours happens to be the one with a brain capable of reasoning so I explain to those I think can handle it how it is they got here. For whatever reason humans have an innate sense of wonder and a desire to understand that so strong its driven many of you mad. I believe it was when you left the water and began to form a brain some billions of your years ago. Over time that brain grew in size and became able to actually think and reason. So once I tell you your truth, you can go on and become part of the matter of the universe again. Who knows, maybe part of you will form a new star, or comet.”

Al looked in my eyes and I could tell he knew much of what he told me was above my pay grade. He shrugged his shoulders and said, “So that’s that. Now what about that truth do you want to know more about?” Once the confusion subsided a mild anger began to set in. I mean I’m dead so what have I got to lose? This unworthy looking god pretender claims to have created everything then call’s me insignificant! This shit can‘t be real. “No way, no fucking way am I buying all this bullshit. This is some kind of bad dream or nightmare or something and you’re not real. I ate something that is fucking up my system and giving me this piece of shit dream. All this shit about colliders and spirals, equations and explosions is all bullshit. I live in the information age and this is just bacon cheeseburger Google overload. It’s the price I pay for being in the world wide web, cruising down the information highway guzzling beer and chomping on cheeseburgers and fries and having the Encyclopedia Britannica at my fingertips. Once I fell asleep this weird ass nightmare began with that happy place upstairs. You must represent Hell in my nightmare.”

Exhausted from my tirade I sat down again. Al stared at me then shook his head. He seemed ever so slightly frustrated with me but kept a cool even demeanor. “ I assure you this is not a dream, there is no Hell, and I am real. Well real in the abstract anyway. My look and mannerism are manifestations you created in order to understand better. If you saw what I truly looked like it would as you say, blow your mind. Listen JT you were not living in the information age, the true information age began long ago and what you are in is more of an information overload age. Your concept of time isn’t completely accurate so I don’t expect you’ll understand that, but I will explain as much as I can for you. You are not even living at all anymore but that’s beside the point. Because I have grown fond of your species I try to at least at times to satisfy the driving force of questioning that exemplifies your species. You have an open mind and are capable of seeing beyond how the world was explained to you by people who know next to nothing about life. You think you have acquired so much information you can just will all you have learned in a dream? That my dear boy is what you call bullshit. You haven’t. Stay seated my boy because I am about to tell you things about dreams and information that will challenge almost everything you think you know. Your species reaching knowledge this far is somewhat of an anomaly and does not happen often. It was a series of bizarre and incredible coincidences that got your species to where it is and that’s why your kind fascinate me so much. Put on your safe body fastening strap because your in for an uneven terrain traveling destination.” I did remain seated, and began to worry. “Okay Al, I’m ready, bring on the bumpy ride.

TBC

 

 

 

Ghosts of Wars

ghosts

 

 

The ghosts of war don’t only lie dead on the battlefield, they live in the hearts and minds of those we lead into war and send back home wounded mentally, emotionally and physically, and the destruction of families and towns we leave behind. The young children and fatherless families whose homes are in ruins, the ones we claimed to liberate but actually left orphaned by war. The women and men we send to fight the wars then forget about once they‘re home. Is it truly a victory when we see towns, cities, and families left in a world of bombed out destruction then ease our conscience saying we liberated them? They aren’t free, they’re devastated by monumental loss. You can’t bomb and kill for someone else’s freedom if your not willing to acknowledge and become accountable for the horror left in the wake. War is easy, costly but easy. Peace takes far more work but the outcome is far more rewarding. Don’t be anti-war, be pro-peace…..

 

 

 

 

Haunting blackness creeps amidst the home of the brave

Umbra’s of guilt and remorse obscuring many a lost heart

Bodies and appendages in blood-soaked jigsaw explosions

Troubled back at home worlds of survivors fall torn apart

Sent back whence they came like last weeks bad news

Shoved into halls of healing or lost attics to gather dust

Damaged oxide soldiers left to battle out in the street

Out so long in the rain their like the Tin Man they rust

 

 

Raison d’etre drowns in murky waters of battle

Perhaps the fortunate never return to burning scorn

Of the people they promised to lay life on the line

Who scoff while memories and souls are morbidly forlorn

The deaths of men and women sent into paths of destruction

Commune as the phantom civilians called collateral damage

War has no preference of whom shall own their sorrow

Nor who shall suffer from it’s murderous mismanage

 

 

 

Over the devastated fields of meaningless victories

The generals fragile smile glistened in the sunlight

But whenever the sun shines over innocence lost

Shadows of darkness are cast beyond the light

The defiant officer could sense his oncoming penance

Knowing one day his hollow smile destined nevermore

Chimeras and wraiths will gather in a punishing storm

Then he’ll lay beseeched amongst the ghosts of his war

 

 

 

 

Sorrow fills the cracks of the Generals once armored conscience

The strategic leader questioning his role of insanity

His legacy will be written in the blood of his martyrs

His guilt etched into his crimes of war and humanity

Then faceless apparitions will stand shoulder to shoulder

Held up by their loved ones grief both intense and internal

Past the homeless and misplaced wraiths of his mongering

The general alone to face his amassing guilt eternal

 

 

And the dark shadow from the caves and fields of his horrors

Fell across the floor and the walls of his now lonely room

A silhouette dangling from the rope of a misplaced destiny

A fitting end to the machines in which he created such doom

And the people will shake their heads and stare at the floor

When one takes their own life for the ghosts of their war

 

 

 

 

Missed Connection

©Jérôme Gorin/AltoPress/Maxppp ; Little boy on swing, rear view

 

 

I missed them

The signs

How could I not see

When he meant so much to me

The ray of sunshine he could be

The best friend I ever had

Sir Galahad

A man so full of life

Until he wasn’t

And I never saw

 

Why couldn’t I see

His torture and his shame

Driving him insane

The laughter and the pain

As people giggled at his name

From far away

But loud enough to hurt

They shred him with a claw

But I never saw

I loved the man despite every flaw

I missed the signs

 

I’ve cheated death three times over

Now his death is cheating me still

Of the days that never came

The days that never will

Times we rode together

No place to call a home

We were gonna search the country

Together always roam

Until you wrote your final chapter

Left me all alone

Standing in empty lines

I saw all you in all your beauty

But I never saw the signs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorrows Never Drown (FML)

sorrows

 

Life at the local tavern

A bar built for the glum

Where my troubles hide in a tall spotted glass

Been hurt here before

Yet still I come back for more

A shot of fuck it and a stool for my ass

 

 

Oceans of tequila and sin

Rivers of forgotten dreams

Breathing stale smoke that helps numb my brain

But its me who is drowning

Three times down I go under

As I keep guzzling worlds are circling the drain

 

 

I keep pounding them down

Yet my sorrows won’t drown

When my hangover starts they come back to appear

Still I drink just the same

It’s an unending game

Because when I’m drunk I just don’t fucking care

 

 

Why do we come back to this vacuum

Chained to mundane desperations

While trapped in a labyrinth built on the life of a lie

Come pour us liquid relief

Our lives are tragically brief

But the rum is why we come here in handcuffs to die

 

Weeks morph into mornings

Can’t even tell day from night

The lost time fills me with anger confusion and strife

One more lonely night

No one to console me

Sorrows never drown so I cry Fuck My Life

 

 

Perceptions of a Desert trip

jim

 

Homage to Alan Ginsberg, poet laureate for the pioneers of meaningful enlightenment and Jim Morrison, The Lizard King. May they both forever Rock In Peace.)

 

 

A Yaqui medicine man by the sands of an arid graveyard treated Jim and friends for underdeveloped perception. He opened his bag of dreams and together they traveled through the eaves of perceptions in search of meaning. Like any mind bending trip created in the dark it’s truth would soon come to light…….

 

 

 

The desert horizon smiled broad at suns close

Atomic tangerine beams bouncing in chaos

Sanguine dreams scratched sensory trails

Across the hot steamy orange hazed sky

A mural of living poisons formed in a cloud

Painted by the brush of the cannabis queen

From a palette of peyote and mescaline hues

Hallucination dust was rising up in Mr. Mojo

Speeding shadows dash across the desert floor

Like amphetamine eating arachnids and….

 

Oh my God the cacti, the fucking cacti

Spiked emerald armies of angiosperms

Arms raised in communion with the Agave God

Stand in glory waiting the mushroom lords command

The shiny green skin oozed psilocybin fungus

Instant Zen

An obscured coyote pants curiously at Lizard King

Who slithers cautiously across the sun burnt sand

Mr. Mojo alight in a psychedelic rain of prisms

The coyote retreat to its den

Time for some more hashish

In agreement the with Lupine Prince they go

Another hit of acid will do the trick for us all

The seller of wares appears in a green convertible

Tambourine vials of moods happy and numb

I have songs I play so you can hear the vision

Notes to make your fantasies dance

But here in the once ocean floor palace

Some apparitions and a mirage I think

Lysergic Acid Diethylamide mixed with THC

The moodman put them On The Road with Dean

Cowboy Neal at the wheel of the bus

Kerouakesque travels along surreal highways

More hallucinogenic dust

 

An unscheduled stop for a roadside attraction

Chemical larvae hitching along Rt 66

Looking for the map to the doors of perception

The Lizard Monarch offered a sugar cube caterpillar

Whose cocoon blossomed into a strange but beautiful creature

The sun knelt and prayed then bid then adieu

An experience of great spiritual importance

Outside the lair of the coyote Mojo bows in homage

Gave blessing to the terra statue of Buddha in drag

The Lizard King salivates licking his eye

His vision blurred but never clearly obscured

And They all saw things they’d never saw before

The moment they stepped over the border

Past the chaos and disorder

 

 

 

 

Before I sink

Into the

Big sleep

I want to hear

I want to hear

The SCREAM

Of the butterfly

When the music’s over, turn out the light-J.M.-

 

 

 

MEDITATION

anecdote I

 

Here in the silence

Mysteries deeply hidden revealed

Of the heart and soul metaphoric

Secrets that glow with the shine of moon

Secrets illuminate bright in the radiant sun

With all of their passing’s accumulated

As the spirit of Id merge with Ego

Words unspoken in deep thought

 

Yet still my eyes parch dry from thirst

For the echoes of knowledge struggling

My mind to understand the changing tides

My tongue to taste the salt less sea at dawn

And comprehend they have their meanings

The touch of my fingertips the answer appears

Perceptions profoundly pondered in reflection

Inspired

 

Here in my silence

Like an oracle revealed unto my very eyes

Theories puncture at the rind of my essence

Uncover obstacles from the way of path

Shedding the fears the clutter unburdened

Self awareness clears the passage to come

That will become my Yellow Brick Road

Less traveled

Here when my silence abates

A murmur of autonomous nature heard

Seek not every single truth as yet untold

But seek one single truism and exhilarate

Raise but one reality from the well of peace

Let its rose petals bloom in glory internal

Bring a joyous vision in my lane of life

That peace and love will guide this nothingness

This meditation

 

Live and Love in Peace