Wipe That Swag Off Your Face


Yo, don’t fuck with me bro, I got swag

Twelve year old nephew tells me he’s got swag. Now I’m concerned, because as far as I’m concerned saying you have swag is the same as saying “I’m a douche and everyone knows it but me.” Having a family tradition of being “In with the In crowd” meaning hanging with the cool kids it gave me pause. Okay maybe I wasn’t the coolest of cool, but cool enough to know never use a word like swag unless it’s to ridicule someone who claims to have it. I looked at my young Neff and thought fuck man, I got some real schooling to do here. Let the first semester commence.
“Jackie my fine young nephew I got something to tell you. Don’t be a dickslap boy, and don’t be telling anyone you got swag.” Having smoked many blunts I decided blunt was the best way to go. He looked up at me with defiance in his eyes and said, “Yea? Let me tell you something Unk, I got swag coming out my eyes ears nose and ass and you don’t have a clue about life old man.” I was shocked. Old man? My glasses nearly fell off my head. (which was actually helpful because I forgot where I put them) “Old Man??? I’m sorry little dude, maybe I didn’t hear you right.” Still defiant and full of what he perceived to be swag he forged on, “No you heard fine, but just in case Ima turn up yo hearing aid. Now get your wrinkly ass face outta my grill” Not 100% sure but I think he crossed the line there!
Beginning to feel a tad perturbed I needed to respond to his misguided attempt at insulting a relatively intelligent man with experience. “Okay you douche-aholic you bess think about who the fuck you be chirpin’ at like that. I may be a wrinkly ass old man but I could kick your ass in HD, 3D, or goddamn Blu-Ray so how bout you show a little respect now.” For effect I grabbed his groin and gave a not so gentle squeeze in the sack area. He winced slightly but pretended to be unaffected which gave me hope. “I’m gonna tell you this for your own good because I don’t want no relative of mine walking round town letting everybody know what an ass clown he is. It hurts my reputation too. So get this and get this fast. You ain’t got SWAG son. Our name isn’t Massengill so don’t be acting like a douche. You got style, not pretty fly for a white guy bullshit but plain old cool style and if you keep yapping about swag your gonna put a world of shame on our family name.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out a big blunt and fired it up. After filling my lungs to capacity I passed it to Jack. He stared at me all wide eyed wondering if this way some kind of trap or something. “Go on ahead son, I know you puff. Shit I’d be disappointed if you didn’t. Nothing gets rid of dumb shit attitude like some old fashioned weed toking. We got a lot to go over, but lesson one, never say swag again.” He took a hit, smiled up at me and with a new found feeling of pride and respect we began sharing stories, asking questions, listening, and that rebuilt our relationship. Before I left he thanked me then said, “You know Unk, I get what your saying, and I guess I got some growing to do. I appreciate the weed and the wisdom but one thing I ask. If you don’t tell my Dad that we smoked weed, I won’t tell him how you tickled my balls.” Youth!!

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