Tag: existentialism

Reboot, An Evolutionary Tale

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part 2

Previously:

I’ve nothing but time young dude, so help an old man out here, what’s going on? Are you with the Geek Death Squad?”

Hey, are like Gandalf or something man? Is this Middle Earth here?”

“You head is spinning because of the buffering JT, it’s a side effect of dying. It will go away once your operating system is renewed.”

Fuck Dee Bays, I’m going where I wanna go dead or not! Stick it myself?! I‘ll stick it where the fucking sun don‘t shine baby. One last ride downstream, to hell with Interface Mountain.
II
The anger began subsiding while having fun jumping from rock to rock attempting to negotiate my way downstream. The ice cold water rushed up over my feet, some rocks were slippery some not so much but all in all I just had a great time laughing and jumping. Who needs serenity? Rock jumping was always one of the most fun things my friends and I did when we were teens on our vacations in the Catskills. Criss-crossing the streams looking for the water falls, stopping to smoke some weed here and there, just the most carefree days ever. Those were the days man, getting stoned, listening to rock, climbing rocks, riding down waterfalls, skinny dipping, making love out in wilderness, doing whatever we wanted without a worry in the world. It was so much fun and so relaxing. I was so into the memories I barely even noticed that the fish in the stream were hopping along following me downstream until I heard one speak. Yea, yea, I know, it sounds all hallucinationy and trippy, a little too much THC, but I hadn’t smoked anything in ages and wasn’t in possession of anything now. But I had no doubt it was a fish talking when it jumped out of the water addressing me directly , “Isn’t this great? Makes me feel so serene.” I laughed, partially because a fish was speaking to me and partially because I was feeling giddy, “Yea your right there Mr. Trout, it is almost serene. Its actually…..wait….Did you say SERENE?” Trouts were now jumping all over the place. I heard a stupid fish tell me it felt serene, just like the old dude wanted me enjoy. Co-incidence? No way! I spoke to all the trouts in a voice loud enough for all to hear, “Okay, way to weird, there’s something fishy here!” The trout all began jumping and giggling, “We’re all fishy JT, on a scale of one to fin, we are most definitely fin possessing talking fish.” Now I’m conversing with a group of rainbow trouts! “Cut the shit! Fish can’t talk, is that you old dude?” But the giggling touts wouldn’t stop, I felt like I was trapped in some Billy The Big Mouth Bass infomercial. My own personal Hell, a bunch of fish making fun of me. “Old dude old dude fish can’t talk, young dude young dude fish can’t walk.” A chorus of trout singing like school children. One trout stopped in front of me peering up from some rocks, “Fish can’t talk? Says who JT? We have always talked, you just never cared enough to listen JT. You humans are so wrapped up in your own worlds you never take the time out to try and communicate with other species unless its for your benefit or pleasure. You trap animals in labs for testing, stick us in zoos or aquariums so your kids can gawk at us, or pen us up and force feed us to make us big so we can feed and clothe you. You always act like you’re the most important thing on this planet but you’re far from it. Only in your deaths are you ever properly humbled. That’s why you guys only get rebooted. You’re no longer a part of the cycle of life, you disregard the laws of nature. Time for you to leave this stream, you don’t belong here. We don‘t want you here.” All the other trout had become silent creating a pounding silence that I remembered all too well. All the times I got into real bad trouble with Mom and Dad they would gang up on me to grill me with questions and accusations to near breaking point. I remember the silence thundering out a pulsating uneasy rhythm, a loud yet inaudible thumping warning me that I had no way out, I was caught. Busted. This is absurd! I want to cry because a trout just put me in my place. I felt a tear sneak out and roll down my cheek. As if on cue a towel hit the top of my forehead and covered my face. “Wipe off the tears JT, time to go.”
I recognized the voice in an instant. Old dude. “Hey man what was that all about? You get talking fish to make a point for you? Then force me to dredge up an unpleasant childhood memory? Why, just because I wouldn’t do what you wanted me to? Okay I get, I get it, you win old dude. I’ll go to the top of the mountain. Just no more of this weird shit man, it’s freaking me out. I just wanna get this over with.” I waded through the stream to the bank in the direction the towel had come from. “You don’t need to climb anywhere JT, you’re at the top of Interface Mountain.” I wiped my face with the towel and looked around astonished. Sure enough, I was at the top of the mountain looking at an amazing waterfall just below my feet. The water shot out a good ten feet over the mountain to what had to be a two hundred yard drop of sparkling silver sheets of moving water. “How the…what the….I thought you said you weren’t a wizard old dude?” Old dude was now sitting in front of me suspended in air without visible support, “I’m not a wizard JT, I’m a cloud, a data base. Its not Dee Bays, its D-Base. I am all the genetic information of humanity, the database of human existence and evolution. You’re here to be rebooted into another human life form but first I am attempting to load some information into you so the next human will grow up with some of your memories.” He placed his hand gently under my chin and closed my gaping jaw, “Wait, what? You’re implanting memories in me before letting die? I don’t get it, why?” Before I knew it I was sitting suspended in front of him. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised, I mean I’ve been through a very strange death ordeal, the geek, Gandalf here, the mountain, talking to some angry trout, so why not float on air while some cloud injects me with memories? Sounds pretty plausible. “Not implant false memories in you JT, just pass along your DNA with a little more information designed to get humans back on track in evolutionary terms. Not so much passing you memories but more like echoes of memories. Did you ever just know something and not remember why you knew it, or gone somewhere familiar? Or see a place that intrigues you an you can’t figure out why? That’s not coincidence JT, its memory echoes of previous lives. You have echoes in your head that track back as far as the dawn of civilization. Take the fight or flight gene, or the fact that toxins smell putrid to you. Those are echoes you have from previous lives, ones who discovered the hard way that toxins can kill. That’s what evolution does, it takes these echoes and creates new defenses and strategies from them. Unfortunately, somewhere shortly before the Agricultural Revolution humans began practicing rituals that go against the law of nature. Life my son is a system of perfect synergies. Trees absorb the energy from the sun, supply homes to millions of creatures, give us oxygen, and when they die they feed millions of micro-organisms which are eaten by insects. The insects are eaten by larger predators and those predators eaten by even larger ones. And when creatures die they feed the vegetation through decomposition. A perfect system. Well perfect until humans began burning their dead, bogarting the vegetation, and killing other creatures because they MAY eat plants you determined you could own. You can’t own things that grow freely, but humans don’t care about that, they lock up food keeping it away, tear apart ecosystems to build factories. You destroy more than you create. Progress is one thing, you’re evolving to be smarter yet you still aren’t smart enough to see how life works. Not just for humans, but for all things.”

I really had to mull this over, I mean I dig that he‘s right about some things but we need to survive as a species. I can think of a number of assholes that could use some of his echoes, but why me? “So stop me if you heard this before, you want to plant that info into my DNA like a gene splice, send me down the river where I’ll be what? Born again? Are you Gandalf the Baptist or something? This is crazy man. Listen old dude, all due respect, but I am not like that, I care about the planet and what humans do to it. Okay, I may not belong to Greenpeace, I’m no Ralph Fucking Nader or anything but I did my part and I love animals. Not like throw red paint on a mink coat PETA love but loved none the less. I understand we treat animals real shitty sometimes and I wasn’t like a vegan or anything but I understood and disliked the way animals were treated. Hunting for sport seemed selfish and wrong to me. I respected other life forms and have always kept an open mind about life. Now I’m dead and you keep playing head games trying to make me feel bad about how humans have acted and frankly G its not my damn fault. I care and I understand. Why not peddle this stuff to the jerks who need it” Old dude was smiling like he had just sunk my Battleship. “Yes JT, and where do you think your feelings came from? Evolution takes many years, many generations and your generation was a big step. But lately humans have been stepping backwards and going back to the old school concept of destroy whatever doesn’t fit your needs. So we are renewing our efforts to help save humanity by reprogramming your evolution. That cable I gave you is loaded with echoes which you will pass on in an attempt to get humanity back on track before they destroy themselves completely. If humans don’t evolve correctly there will be no need for an asteroid to cause mass extinction, you guys will blow the whole planet up by yourselves. The cable is attached to your body, just take the other end just like a USB terminal, plug it in over there then ride the falls to your reboot.”
I felt for the cable and sure enough, it was attached like an adult umbilical chord. I stuck the other end into a waiting socket and the sensation of spinning returned. I was buffering. I turned to look at Gandalf one last time and jumped into the waterfalls into total darkness. Wonder who I’ll be this time.

Reboot , An Evolutionary Tale

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reboot

Part I

Last thing I remember was sudden darkness and the sound of shattering glass all around accompanied by a coarse rhythm of twisting crunching metal. Car accident? Yes, yes that’s it, I was driving down the highway in a mad rush because I was late for work and then…..and then… then what? Everything is so damn foggy. Wait! Where am I? Feels like I’m in the haze of dry ice smoke at a rock show but maybe its?…Well it sure don’t smell like weed so probably not a rock show but where am I? What’s with all the smoky mist? I was in my car on the way to work and what? Oh shit now I remember, some asshole came across the median and right into……. Oh fuck, I was in a bad accident, I’m in a hospital. Yea, that’s it, I’m in a hospital and….. No wait, that can’t be right, the mist, no tubes or wires, no beeps, not in a bed, I’m…ah I’m in a…No! Wait! I’m fucking dead man? My flair for the dramatic not yet dead I paused for effect…..That’s when it began to settle into my head. I was killed in a car accident and now I’m in….. In where? The morgue? Heaven? Purgatory? The “Heaven Can Wait” waiting room? Is my AS2 guardian angel Clarence Odbody coming to take me away and earn his wings? But that’s not possible, I’m an existentialist, and if there is God he isn’t about to let me hang out on his turf, he’d probably send me to one of those special places I hear them talk about in churches. So then just where the Hell am I, pardon the expression? Actual Hell? As I was pondering my death fate a loudspeaker broke the unearthly silence. “Hilltop, Justin Thyme? Is there a JT Hilltop here?”
Before I heard this announcement I was merely confused. I thought I was all alone but I must be in a group of some sort and someone is paging me. Now its like “Peeewwww…. Mind blown!” Here I am trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my death when I get mind-fucked by a loudspeaker. Do I stand up or do I pretend I didn’t hear it? I was right at the point of making a decision when I noticed standing right in front of me was a young dude. “You’re JT, yes?” I gave this, this, umm, entity the once over. A nerdy looking kid somewhere in his late twenties with thick rimmed glasses and a bargain store suit that was a bit to big for his small clunky frame. He had thick but very short dark black hair and not a hint of a smile on his face. He didn’t even look my way as he was running his eyes over something on a clipboard waiting for confirmation from me. After a few seconds of silence he spoke in a monotone voice, “Don’t make this difficult Mr. Hilltop, you’re already dead so you really have nowhere else to go. Just come with me please.” He never even waited for acknowledgement just began walking away. I stood and blindly followed out of the misty mist.
At first I was kinda hoping he was in search of his lost personality but I wasn’t gonna wait to find out. I decided I would try and engage this nerd so maybe he could help acclimate me as to just where I was, “So this is your job? You come to bring the dead to their destination? Who exactly are you working for?” His pace quickened, “Something like that Mr. Hilltop. I work for no one and everyone now just come along please, no time for idle chatter.” I processed his statement. No time? Maybe he has no time but if I’m dead what the fuck do I care about time? “I have nothing but time young dude, so help an old man out here, what’s going on? Are you with the Geek Death Squad?” The nerd shook his head as though I was exasperating to him, “Mr.Hilltop you died! You have ceased to exist. You were in a car accident, a drunk driver hit you head on. Looking over your file sir it seems about as an appropriate way to die as I’ve ever seen given your pension for the bottle. That or cirrhosis anyway. Your at the terminal right now, and please no lame jokes about the name terminal its been done a few million times over the years by people far less witty than you think you are. I’m your agent assigned to take you to your Sherpa who will assist you in your transition. Now please keep quiet and continue to follow me we’re nearly there.” The only sound after his stern admonition as the tapping of our feet and the cursing under my breath.
I reached the end of a hallway feeling like my head was spinning. Not really dizzy, but constantly spinning. Grumpy the young douche-nerd opened a door speaking to someone on the other side, “I have a very uncooperative Mr. Justin Thyme Hilltop here sir. He never shuts up and he is now your problem, not mine. He’s all yours Dee.” The door opened wide so I walked inside, or actually outside. I found myself on a beautiful mountain about half the way up. Surrounded by gorgeous greenery of tree’s and shrubs, the sound of running water combined with an assortment of indefinable sounds made from various animals. An old man with long white hair complete with matching silvery beard stood in front of me. “Hey, are like Gandalf or something man? Is this Middle Earth here?” The old man smiled warmly like…..well like Gandalf actually, “No Justin, I’m not Gandalf, I’m certainly no magician or wizard and this is nothing like Middle Earth. This is Interface Mountain, I am your Sherpa, Dee Bays. Its my job to lead you back to the Mainframe after discovering your rightful place. Hopefully you can be re appropriated correctly.” I chuckled, “You’re who then and this is what now? Sorry old dude but I didn’t get a word of what the hell you just said. All I wanna know is are you the one who can tell me what exactly is going on here?” The old man had very old eyes, much older than even he himself, yet they were incredibly calming. It was as though those old eyes were a separate entity that seemed to put me at ease. Old dude placed his arm over my shoulders, “It’s okay Justin, or do you really prefer JT?” I smiled, “You can call me whatever you want but I prefer JT. How much longer do I have?” The old dude let a small laugh slip out, “Are you in a hurry JT? I can speed this up if you want?” I was pretty sure he was teasing me but just in case I answered with fear and desperation, “No,no,no, seriously, I’m in no hurry. Its just….Well my head is spinning and I feel confused.” Old dude began walking up a mountain path signaling for me to follow, “You head is spinning because of the buffering JT, it’s a side effect of dying. It will go away once your operating system is renewed. When someone dies their faith dictates their destiny, and you my friend to use a Zodiac analogy, are an Existentialist with Buddhism rising. Therefore your destiny is to reach a sort of nirvana of your own through serenity. You don’t get to reincarnate exactly, no heaven or hell for you but you get to see what really happens at the top of the Hill of Life, Interface Mountain. Some get to believe they are in heaven or hell, some Jahanna or Jahannam, still others get to believe their fates are to be placed on various cycles of life. But in the end it’s all the same, everyone goes to the top of the mountain.” I thought this over in an attempt to make sense for quite some time as I aimlessly followed him up the mountain path heading toward the sound of running water which was getting closer and closer.
Within minutes we reached the source of the sound, a running stream, where old dude sat down. “Sounds serene, yes JT?” I sat as well, “Yea serene, but why would I want serene now? I mean I’m dead right? So why wouldn’t I want to take one last fast ride with blaring rock music? What’s so cool about serenity if that’s what I’m always gonna have now?” He looked at me with a hint of curiosity, “I think you are misunderstanding JT, you’re not going to be surrounded with serenity, your going to be surrounded by nothingness. No serenity, no rides, no music, nothing! This is your last chance to enjoy the feeling serenity brings so enjoy it. Once you complete the climb its just over. Nothing, kaput, nada. Your life has ended my boy and there’s no turning back, no other worlds, nothing. Everything ceases.” Suddenly those warm comforting eyes seemed cold and dispassionate, “Well then why the fuck are we doing this? Just let me fucking die for Christ’s sake!”
The old dude stood up speaking in an exhausted tone, “Maybe its best if you finish your trek alone. You’re in such a hurry to finish dying just go on ahead by yourself, stick it yourself!” He handed me some kind of cable wire, turned and walked away. Feeling a strange aloneness I began chatting myself up, “Who fucking needs him anyway. Stick it myself? What a dick, doesn’t even speak English right. I’ll stick it myself all right. Maybe I won’t even go up the mountain, maybe I’ll just run down the stream. The fuck with him man, I’m outta here.” I turned and began following the stream towards the bottom of the mountain. “Fuck Dee Bays, I’m going where I wanna go dead or not! Stick it myself?! I‘ll stick it where the fucking sun don‘t shine baby. One last ride downstream, to hell with Interface Mountain.”
TBC

Galactic Drainpipe

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black

Not even light can elude its powerful clutches
As if the universe inhaled one cavernous breath
Are they potential portals into ethereal worlds
Or quantum vortexes of planetary death

Behold the mighty its strength unchallenged
Come near and get sucked deep into the void
Orbit too close and feel the might of its grasp
Once super massive gravitation is deployed

Primordial Implosion straight outta the big bang
At the galaxy center its the event of the horizon
Cosmic space-time in one weightless singularity
The power of the black hole is constantly rising

Peering out the window at the edge of all time
With whole new worlds stretching out from within
Stare into the abyss who knows what you may see
A multi-dimensional kaleidoscopic tailspin

Is it the gravity center of every galactic life-form
Perhaps a wormhole leading us to multiversity
Or a mysterious anomaly with no hidden agendas
Debate best left up to the scientific university

Swaddled in a mysterious cloth of the unknown
Subjected to theories of both fiction and fact
Brilliant minds have devoted to unravel the riddle
Not sure how or why galactic drainpipes react

A dark swirling cauldron of cosmic Jambalaya
Time light and mass funnel down in stellar rain
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction
So what’s coming out the other end of the drain

Hey Man Don’t Have A Heart Attack!

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heart attack

I was sitting alone in one of the doctors rooms after my first stress test. I could have saved them a lot of trouble because the minute he mentioned stress test I was at 1000% stress level. My heart rate shot up to a million beats a minute and I couldn’t breath. When he suggested I get wired up and prepared to take a cardiac stress test immediately I was already off the scale. The suggestion morphed into a statement in a flash and before I knew it I was laying on my back having my chest shaved by a young nurse. Unfortunately it lacked any of the grandeur of a nurse patient fantasy and went directly to more of a tense horror movie mode completely by passing any intimate after hours flick sentiments. To begin with she applied some rather cold gel and not warm oily sensuous substance. There was no disrobing unless you count the fact that I removed my shirt exposing the hiding spot of all the cholesterol I have indulged in the last few years. Instead of a teasing slightly hoarse voice she had a very matter of fact tone about her. “This may be a bit cold Mr. Hilltop.” Hmm, no first name basis either! After lathering on the cold gel she placed suction cups with colored wires on my now hairless chest to fully complete the diminishing of the mood. I took note of where the red wire was in case I needed to make an emergency cut to avoid explosion. They always cut the red one. Right? Or is the green one? “Okay honey, you’re ready for the treadmill.” Still not in a hoarse sultry whisper but rather far too businesslike. I ambled over to the treadmill and got in place. The doctor came back in, turned a few knobs, and it was off to the races.
He started me off at a slow trot and gradually increased my speed. Feeling uncomfortable and nervous to begin with I was having difficulty negotiating the floor moving under my feet so I held tightly to the handrails for support. “JT, try and take your hands away from the rails and just walk normal.” Shit! Busted. I did my best but found myself unable to control my balance and I was surprised at my lack of co-ordination as well as how easily I became winded as the test progressed. Now I’m freaking out because my chest is wired, the treadmill is kicking my ass, I am running short of breath, and the doctors writing notes with a face that looked far too concerned to have any calming effect on me. Jane get me off this thing! If this is really a test I didn’t feel I was getting very good grades today, wish I had studied more. How did I end up in this predicament anyway?
Obviously I’m here because I was having stress issues. I found myself in this cardiologist office because I was having difficulty catching my breath and felt light pressure in my chest. After prodding his cold stethoscope all over my chest and back while making me gasp for breath my primary doctor was concerned about something so he decided I should be a heart specialist’s problem and not his. He made me an appointment at the cardiologist center and that’s when the stress began to spike only getting higher as the visit progressed. Being chef I was used to high pressure but this put me over the proverbial boiling point. I was a chef/co-owner on this one particular venture so the pressure cooked all that much higher. Add to that the fact that my prep kitchen was a flight of stairs away from the service line, and the storage rooms were on the opposite end of another staircase, the height of service was high pressure plus an abundance of running up and down stairs at warp speed. No wonder my breathing was labored. At first is was just a night here or a night there, but it eventually escalated to a daily routine of not being able to fully catch my breath combined with constant pressure in my chest. I sensed something was off, but no worries, I’m young and invincible. Nothing scares me. Well up until the doctor mentioned cardiologist anyway, that’s when I became a gelatinous bundle of frightened nervous energy.
Anyway, after the treadmill torture left me wheezing and achy the nurse unwired my chest and led me into another room instructing me to sit down. I’ve been working in restaurants my entire career but for the life of me I can’t figure out why the servers are called waiters. Waiters should be another term for doctor patients because with all their waiting rooms and procedures doctor are the supreme beings of making us wait. So I sat while supposedly the Doc was grading my tests. I hoped he graded with a curve because I could sure go with some good news about now. Twenty minutes later the nurse came back in the room with some papers for me to sign. She placed one of her hands on mine to comfort me speaking evenly in a tone laced with empathy, “Mr. Hilltop, The Doctor wants you to retake the test. He is a little concerned with the results but wants to have another try. We have two options here. If the test runs okay we can schedule you for a more detailed evaluation, but if it doesn’t go well we will need to consider keeping you in the hospital over the weekend for observation.” She may as well have delivered the news with a baseball bat because I was floored, had just been metaphorically knocked upside the head with a Louisville Slugger. I opened my mouth to try and respond but I was choking on emotion, thinking not about me or my potential death, but I was concerned what would happen to my family, how would this effect them with me not being there for them. I have two grown children who are old enough to cope, but my baby girl was only five and she relied on me for many things. My wife could cope mentally, but emotionally we were both very fragile. We had lost our first child at the age of two only six years ago and had still not fully processed that. But that’s what goes on in your head, the nurse says hospital and you hear hospice, she says observations and you hear funeral viewing. I was certain what she was telling me is if I fail this make up exam I will get left back and never graduate. Either I pulled it together and passed this test or I’m headed straight for my death.
The mind is a strange thing. I felt blood rushing to my face and a profound sadness set in. I was convinced I was going to die soon, the doctor had come by to confirm what the nurse had told me stating with as much compassion as he could that I had has a mild cardiac infarction. (They use various medical terms to throw us off, he knew if he said heart attack I would have freaked, but what he didn’t know is I watched a lot of hospital centered TV shows so I knew an infarction was an attack). Tempered as it was it still was hard to process. They left me alone to cram for the make up exam and instead of studying the dynamics of treadmills I found myself pre-occupied with death. Mine! As an existentialist I accept the fact that my death is inevitable, but as a human I was more focused on what it would mean emotionally to the people who care about me. I thought about the effect it would have on my children, my wife, my family. The pressure was no longer in my chest but in my eyes as my tear ducts swelled up with a profound sense of void. I wanted to cry in someone’s arms but was all alone, in the abyss of doctors waiting rooms. My death would likely cause some emotional breakdowns and it troubled me that I would be the cause of pain to my family. I thought about how deeply I loved everyone, took a long full breath and went back to the treadmill to kick some ass in the next test.
Having been through the test once I was much more comfortable, and armed with the fact that I share so much love I took the test from a much stronger standpoint. Now I know I didn’t ace the test, but I also knew I had done well enough to earn another opportunity to see my family. I was scheduled for a nuclear stress test which eventually confirmed that I did in fact have a mild heart attack and ha to make some life adjustments. I took the news much more positively, vowing to make every attempt at regaining my health and living a healthier lifestyle. Fifteen years later I’m still alive and kicking. I discovered that life is worthwhile because there is a thing called love. A mysterious unexplainable concept that fills us with good feelings. There are times for all of us when we think its over, or maybe it would be better if we were gone and not a burden to our loved ones. We aren’t burdens, we are wings that help our loved ones soar. They need us as much as we need them and that’s what makes it so damn beautiful.. That’s what I learned from this episode, this infarction of my life. At times I still get down on myself, feel myself unworthy for one reason or another, and often times even wonder if its all worth it. That’s when I think back to that moment, the one in which I discovered how intensely powerful love is, how important we are to each other. Give your love freely and frequently, don’t wait until its too late. Our true strength lies within each other. PEACE

Reach For The Stars, The Cosmic Journey Of A Colony

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evo

Special thanks to Tom Tricarico for his assistance and inspiration

High in the arbor of an uncertain world
Rose a climbing presence flourishing with life
In a foreboding dark world a strategy forms
A group safe as the many but alone facing strife

Climbing down from the timber to test the dirt carpet
Searching the mysterious terrain unexplored
A new form of existence was emerging this planet
A congregation that would not soon be ignored

Crouching upright they stood so proud and so strong
Pounding their chests to display domination
They constructed utensils to further their lot
Set forth across the earth a strong new nation

The community formed with an instinctive brigade
Queens and masters the lords and the troops
The province grew stronger though inter-dependence
A reverent colony born of many small groups

Living only in the moment with no questions asked
Enjoying the banality of their routine existence
But a wisdom of framework began to emerge
As they traversed migrations of distance

Pragmatic utensils to build and to hunt
Their bipedal civilization was evolving so strong
From primitive grunts communication matured
Transcribed throughout many a ritual and song

Curiosity remained limited inside the tribal box
Rarely placing importance past the colony’s concerns
But somewhere inside their questions ascended on high
With both minds and hearts they pondered their yearns

A destiny waiting to spread over every expanse
The world seemed it was ripe for the taking
But down every path new conflicts ensconced
Other tribes and ferocious predators lie in waiting

Often times the hunter becomes another hunters prey
Survival of the fittest became the mandate of land
Many pitfalls and perils lay waiting unnoticed
Unperceived colonies would destroy those outmanned

For the good of all tribes boundaries would form
Arbitrary lines drawn to claim regional rights
Defending their new sense of territorial dominion
Millions would die from their purposeless fights

As the powers grew stronger curiosity developed
They dreamed up toward the star speckled ceiling
Wondering what significance the glitterings held
The ball of fire they worshipped while kneeling

Religions transpired from the fear of unknown
Flags began waving to represent their devotion
Revolutions in farming translated to power
Building empires spanning across every ocean

Industry soared as human progress continued
Armaments of destruction would threaten the planet
Too many died protecting meaningless banners
Thanked with their names etched deep into granite

Curiosity returned to the distant starry night
Manifest destiny would reach for the moon
Brilliant minds toiled together to develop a ride
Believing their world will come to end soon

Technology soared into global connections
Population grows logarithmic in rapid expanse
The planets resources began to rapidly dwindle
Colonizing the cosmos will be their last chance

Upward the skies they soared out into space
Searching inter-planetary cosmic migration
Traveling the galaxy for a suitable home
To pioneer their exoplanet colonization

The colony now that once was naïve
Concerned only with day to day living
Constructs cyborgs and drones to further their lot
In the hope of extra-terrestrial Thanksgiving

Empty Anointment

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false

A bright shining halo of burnt orange light
I Turned my eye to escape its sharp glare
Entered the shrine of the illustrated windows
Looked around but found nobody there

Prayed for the light to shine and enlighten
Begged someone for a real show and tell
Just needed a message that I’m not by myself
Negotiate the stairways of heaven and hell

I sensed near a presence indignantly stern
Stood frozen after I felt the piercing glance
Felt a harrowing figure of my non redemption
With his deep voice pounding he broke my trance

“You shall wallow in shame and inferiority
I’ll strike you down just prove superiority
So stand here trembling amongst the minority
Or concede to my flock join the moral majority”

“Come forth to donate and cleanse your reputation
Return every Sunday and seek divine reparation
The cost of enrollment will pay for my vacation
Mercy and damnation harbor no discrimination”

I stood and stared with nothing to say
The false prophet had spewed out his lies
Promises made on the mist of the fog
Liturgical vestments were just a disguise

“It’s from your imitation I need to be saved
Integrity seems to have snuck out the door
You fill up my cup with deceitful betrayal
Discouragement burns from each little pore”

Undaunted he towered across the artificial alter
Confidence flowing rapid across the River Styx
With great condescension he laughed in my face
His sacrosanct words from a mere bag of tricks

“Kneel before me I’ll free you from despair and distain
Grant you enough individuality to clutter your brain
It may cause you to ponder you’re rational mind
If you seek redemption then join my campaign”

It wasn’t redemption that brought me inside
No need of sanctuary or someplace to hide
It was mere curiosity that brought me the question
Don’t need to anyone to validate my indiscretion
False ecclesiastics can grow like a cancer
I need only look in myself to search out my answer
On the shoulders of angels the devils they fought
Praise him or fear him the difference is naught
It isn’t the redemption you’ll find in the end
In communion of life we will finally transcend

Noah’s Ark De Triomphe Part II

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rain

A Hard Rains Gonna Fall

Assembling the animals was much easier than Noah had anticipated because they seemed totally compliant. Noah assumed the boss had a talk with them but rumor has it the big savior had sprayed the animal kingdom with some of his “special herb” fumes that put everything in a very mellowed out state. The herb was all the rage up in heaven. Many an angel said it was so preamo the stuff was to die for and perhaps some actually did but either way Noah got the animals all aboard and into their respective living quarters, set up his feeding schedule and then waited for the rain to start. He had set up the best luxury suite for the rhino’s up near the top where God would see how well his one horns were taken care of. Outside his entire family was ridiculed relentlessly but they did their very best to ignore all the rhetoric. Noah called out, “Guys, its time, come on aboard.” The family reluctantly climbed across the plank onto the ark. Noah pushed off the plank and addressed the large crowd that had gathered to ridicule him, “You will all be ashamed of your ignorance soon, you sin without fear of consequence but consequence is what you are about to receive.” The sardonic mob increased their jeering and added some pretty accurate rock throwing to emphasize their distain for this village idiot. When one somewhat large rock was thrown directly at Noah’s face he caught it mid air, looked upwards and hurled the rock propelling straight up and at the very second it reached its pinnacle a loud thunderclap, a bright flash of lightning, and along with the rock fell to earth the beginning of a monster rainstorm. Noah looked up to the heavens quite pleased, “Your timing is impeccable lord.”
Within seconds the ground was covered in rainwater and the skies opened up to the teardrops of a million clouds. Noah’s son Hamm was the first to speak, “Holy shit on rye toast it really is gonna rain hell down on those chortling hacks.” Hamm addressed the once jeering crowd in his loudest voice, “How do you like us now suckers?! Maybe you better get you raincoats on its gonna be the mother of all rains. Don’t just stand there, start treading, haha! Now who’s laughing?” Noah cautioned him, “Son, don’t be getting too cocky or you may get tossed overboard. The lord ha a way of over-emphasizing his points.” While Noah was trying to calm his family down a chorus of “Take me with you” and “don’t leave us out here” replaced the ridiculing as many soaking wet sinners attempted to climb onto the arc. Noah was suddenly a tad frightened so he yelled to his family, “Release the hounds. Oh an maybe some snakes too, anything that will keep those maggots off our home.” It denigrated to an epic animal versus human war with snakes biting hands of the panic stricken crowds that attempted to board the ark. Noah stood on the top deck and spoke to the crowds, “I have a prepared statements for the lord God our savior. Please quiet down and all you smaller ones keep your heads above water a little longer.”
The crowd quieted in the hopes of hearing of a second chance, or that maybe this is just a warning. Noah cleared his throat, “It is with deep regret that I inform every living creature not on this ark that I am terminating our relationship. I will make it rain forty days and nights to wipe you all from the face of the earth. It is unfortunate but I deem this world to be far too corrupt to allow any of you to continue living. I understand many of you have indeed tried your best but it is my opinion that you have all failed to follow my commandments as set down by my friend Moses. Therefore I ask you all to terminate your attempts to cling to your miserable lives and just let death visit upon you.” Seeing the tearful and remorseful crowds crying and realizing the Lord was thinking about the Noahide laws they devised for after the flood and no one name Moses has existed yet, he ad libbed a bit, “Please remember I love you all and this isn’t personal. I’m sorry for any inconvenience this has caused.” Noah headed below deck because he couldn’t stand the pains of his neighbors despite how rudely they had treated him. God came into his room, “Are you kidding me Noah? Sorry for your inconvenience? What in the fire and brimstone possessed you to say that?” Noah was still numb from being the bearer of such horrific news, “Hey I’m sorry lord, but did you see all those faces? Nobody knew what that Moses comment meant and everyone was crying. I felt bad. But forget that, they’re all gonna die anyway, come and look at the suite I set up for your one horns.” God followed Noah down the hall to the rhino room. “Well, what do you think” the beaming Noah asked. Gods jaw dropped to the ground causing a huge dent in the floor. “Noah!? What the everlasting burning place is this? Where are my Me-damn unicorns? I specifically asked you to care for unicorns, not these F bombing rhinoceros. Where arte my unicorns?” Noah became intensely worried having witnessed firsthand the big dudes wrath. “Oh no, wait. You said one horns, these were the only one horns I could find. I don’t even know what a unicorn is! Please lord, its not my fault.” Never had Noah seen anything as angry as God eyes, not even the killer stare from his wife that time he forgot his wedding anniversary. Noah cowered, “Please forgive me lord, I have sinned. No man is without sin and I fu….I fornicated upwards on the unicorns. Wait, that didn’t sound right, I mean I didn’t realize you created anything called a unicorn and I’m sorry, but this has been an extremely unpleasant odyssey. You have any idea how hard it was to get some of these animal in here? Not enough headroom for the giraffes, the elephants pooping every thirty seconds, the termites trying to eat everything along the way? And then bringing these one horns all the way up to the top deck? Holy fecal matter that wasn’t easy.” Apparently the visions it left with the supreme one touched a nerve and he began to laugh. Noah, allowing the frustrations of the past six months slip away laughed too. Within seconds the two of them were bent over in a laughing jag. Perhaps God was laughing out his frustration at losing his unicorns and Noah was laughing out his for all the shit he put up with the last six months but they both needed the release. They compose themselves after five minutes until God pointed to the Rhino’s and said “All the way to the top” breaking out into a second laugh jag. “Oh man Lord, you should have seen the buckets of elephant poop I had to remove, and the first time I fed the giraffes they threw up their entire lunch. Took twenty five minutes hahahahaha!” Eventually they both regained composure and God had to leave. Now the real work would begin for Noah, and the first step was to remove the bodies of the failed attempts of humans trying to board the Species Saver Express.
The trip was not without its difficulties as the constant rain caused major arthritic concerns for Noah and his wife and the woodpeckers constant rat-a-tat tatting was driving everyone, animals and humans bonkers. Cabin fever to the hundredth degree. Hyenas paced wildly attempting to sneak up to first class, the giraffes cut holes in the ceiling for comfort and luckily the sloth’s lived above them and were far too lazy to take advantage of exploring. The wolves somehow got into Hams wife’s closet and put on her woolen fleece coat in an attempt to fool the sheep. The sheep and the rabbits had already conceived babies. The records indicate the rabbits had forty seven but no one could stay awake long enough to count the sheep. Noah was constantly fixing the holes in the woodpeckers door. After only twenty days, only halfway through the storm it has already seemed an eternity. Something had to give.
TBC

The Existential Bakers Guide To Coping With Stress

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DeadTopper

Stress is a most dangerous emotion no matter what religion you practice. I bet given enough time and the right person even the Dalia lama could lose it an be sent into a tirade. “You better hope I don’t see you in next life because Dalia Lama never forget face!” Why? Because stress is just the trigger for being really pissed off, the motivation to become a temporary mixed martial arts expert an unleash your fury on the on pissing you off. At that moment. But stress does other shit to us too, it alters us mentally, emotionally, an even physically in ways that are out of our control. Or is it?
Most of us, unfortunately, are all too familiar with the five steps of grieving. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. It takes a long time to reach the level of acceptance because when we lose someone we love very dearly it leaves a void that can never be completely filled but in order to continue living we find a way to manage the pain and the loss. So we go through the stages in order to cope with our loss. The same stages apply to stress.
Stress doesn’t leave a void but rather creates a spike in anger and frustration that raises the blood pressure and effects our overall health negatively. It can be dealt with in many ways, weed, xanax, vodka, primal scream all the way up to murder, which I personally don’t recommend. But the end result is the same as grieving, acceptance. Stress also involves that all too familiar five stage process and as an existentialist I have trained myself to go directly to the acceptance stage at the start, thereby decreasing the power the stressful situation holds over me. As an example I will use the very stress inducing situation of a traffic jam which causes many an over-extension middle finger injury as well as an unnecessary blinding road rage to fill the inside of your vehicle. I find it works best to just realize at the onset that I cannot control the jam, if I am going to be late all the screaming and middle finger waving in the world will not get me to be where I need to be on time.
The anguish riddled inconvenienced traffic negotiator goes through the five stages of stress. He comes upon the traffic jam and heads directly into denial. “Oh no, not now! This can’t be fucking happening, not today. God dammit this is not happening to me.” This often escalates rapidly to the anger stage in which the middle finger exercises its right to free speech, the head often takes to trembling, and the driver voices his opinion paying strict attention to the vocabulary he learned in the schoolyard not the classroom. “Are you fucking kidding me?? Pull the fuck up asshole! Move you piece of shit fucking worthless scum. Get off your god damn phone dipshit and move!!” Anger as an emotion is seldom in a hurry and loves to stay and visit so this stage will last quite a long time. Usually until enough yelling is done to satisfy the stressed out driver that every other driver on the road understands that their appointments pale in comparison to the depth of importance of the angry drivers schedule. But inevitably, once the face is full to the brim with angry throbbing blood vessels anger concedes to bargaining. “Oh my God if you make this traffic go away I’ll go to church every Sunday for a year. Maybe if I go this way I’ll save some time. There has to be an alternative route!” ……….. After all alternative routes have been exhausted and traffic is still laughing it ass off directly into the drivers face is when depression sets in. “God fucking dammit, why always me? Why do I always get stuck in this bullshit? What the Hell did I ever do to deserve this?” Finally the angry driver relents and accepts the fact that we live in a three dimensional world and cannot travel through the other cars but must obey the laws of physics governing that all things are made of matter and solid object such as automobiles and trucks are impenetrable without serious consequences. Once the driver has complete the first four steps, denied it will last, shouted every expletive in the known universe and begins foaming at the mouth, finished figuring out a way out of the mess, an fought back the tears of defeat he’s ready for acceptance. At this point he may begin forming and practicing his role as the apologetic late arriver. “I am so sorry I’m late the traffic was unreal, I swear I left in plenty of time but first there was construction, then an accident, and the traffic was relentless. I did everything I could to get here on time, I am so so sorry” or he may opt to just allow his anger to apologize for him, “I can’t believe this damn traffic, I swear there has to be a better way. If you have to go anywhere DON’T take the highway! Friggen traffic, what’d I miss?” Either way he allowed stress to ruin his day, or at the very least his morning.
I get that its hard, but with the practice and meditation it is existentially possible to convert this conundrum of traffic jam into a less stressful and perhaps even temporarily enjoyable ride. The existentialist knows he is going to face whatever consequences he must for being late, but only need to suffer them at the moment of impact with whomever it caused distress. Worrying about the consequence in the car merely prolongs the life of the consequence. Accept that even if existing there are and never have been any god or gods that would concern themselves in the slightest with your traffic plight. They would be far too busy keeping their promises to football players, baseball players, and boxers who have all petitioned them for a win. Accept the fact that no matter how you react, the vehicle in front of you will not simply go away. Select some favorite music, put in a CD,(EB recommends some Grateful Dead, or even some Traffic, ironically) adjust the interior temperature to a comfortable position and go with the flow, however slow. Amuse yourself by checking out the inflamed angry faces of other rivers who are stuck in the stage and far away from acceptance. Wave to them, blow them a kiss. It make them even more angry and stressed and the amusement you get will help you to forget you may be losing your job, or an account, or just en route to an enraged person at the other end of your trip. On the other hand, don’t mistake kindness for weakness because even though you may see an existentialist smiling, almost enjoying a traffic jam he is still just as fragile as the rest of the world and if you happen to push him too far…. I will kick the everloving shit out of you motherfucker!…. I mean, he will respond accordingly….Peace

Disciples Needed Will Train (Easter Special)

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disciple

A Sick Bastard Bible Excerpt (an equal opportunity offender. Turn off your moral compass before continuing)

It’s not easy making friends when you introduce yourself as the Holy Messiah, even the latter day saints cast their doubts. That made it extremely hard for Jesus to find himself a posse but he knew he needed an even dozen so he set out to find them at the fishing hole. The first two men he met were Andrew and Peter. After a lot of convincing and a few parlor tricks God taught him they finally believed that he was the son of God that they had heard so much about and promised to follow him to hear his teachings. They had some friends fishing over at the pier who they believed would make perfect disciples (for the right price) so they took Jesus to it. With his fantastic personality, great training from Mary Anne, and a few money cards for Bob’s Bait an Tackle it wasn’t long before he had a handful, twelve to be exact, of real life disciples. Twelve men who promised to follow him in exchanger for everlasting life and the latest in rods, staffs, and reels as well as the promise of net income.
Jesus took them to a secluded area where they coul have their first bored meeting. They sat together in a large circle and after a rousing rendition of Kumbaya introduced themselves. “Let me start. My Name is Jesus and I am the son of a Jewish carpenter who taught me his trade. Well let me clear that up, Joseph is my Dad but my real father, my biological father is a God and he sent me here on the garden….I mean the planet Earth to teach man how to live correctly. Men have strayed from the path of nature and are creating wars, killing creatures they don’t like and generally fucking up the landscape. There are those among you acting like the world belongs to them not to God. So in a way I’m here to save you from yourselves. If you guys follow me and listen and learn from me together we can go back to following the natural laws of life and survival an God will give us Utopia. Any questions?” Of course a litany of questions rang out like “Does that mean I don’t have to serve in the military? Can we still have sex? You mean we can’t kill any animals? Etc.” Jesus held up his right hand which would soon become his signature move. “Okay, okay, I get it, you all have a lot of questions. Let me just put it this way. If you follow me and do as I say you will all live happy and fulfilled lives. We are planning to be together for quite a while so let me find out who you guys are and what your names are.
The men began introducing themselves. “My name is Simon, sometimes known by the alias Peter but that’s a long story. I have been a disciple since I met Jesus yesterday. I want to follow to learn the truth of the world and get some brownie points from the big guy upstairs.” Next Pete stood up, “I’m Peters brother Andrew, and I too want to follow.” They all began responding, “I’m James” “I’m John” “My name is Bartholomew but you can call me Bart, and I believe in Jesus” (Friggen brownnose that Bart) “I am Phillip” “My name is Thomas and I must admit I am somewhat skeptical but I’m willing to give this guy a shot. But as I said, my name is Thomas, or Tommy, and I have my doubts.” “I’m Mathew, or the Matt Man as they the ladies call me, and unlike doubting Tommy boy here I trust in Jesus completely.” “My name is James too, but to avoid confusion call me Jimbo.” “Ah, my name is like Thaddeus, no jokes please it was my father idea, but please call me Thad.” “Damn, my name is Simon too, so I guess you’ll have to stick with your Peter alias there other Simon” And finally the twelfth. “Hey Y’all, I am Judas. Judas Iscariot and I do believe in Jesus and I will follow him and listen and obey. You are my liege, my lord Jesus, and I will be a faithful servant unto you“……“Trust me.” (Cue evil grin)
So it was set, Jesus had his followers and would now set out to change the world with their help. It had been very stressful getting to this point and the J man was feeling a need of some relief. He went to a house of ill repute and choose a prostitute with which to help him relieve that stresses. Looking up towards the heavens he mouthed “Don’t juge me a, I’m a little horny an this is one tough job you sent me on”. The hookers name was Mary (What Another Mary?) Magdalene and she comforted Jesus much the same way Jesus’ mother had comforted Gods rod and staff. She spent hours very skillfully extracting every ounce of seminal fluid in his body and did things to him he had only had wet dreams about before. She was satisfied beyond her expectations as well what with Jesus being half god and all, and she had a never ending freshly satisfied smile stuck to her cheeks. Mary sensed a deep connection to Jesus. “Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to problems that upset you. Jesus. Don’t you know everything’s all right?” Maybe it was the sexual explosions or maybe it was her tenderness, but it touched Jesus deeply. It was moving and made Jesus feel calm and relaxed as he never had before. “Mary, I don’t think I told you this but I am the son of a god and I have been sent here to save the world. I have a posse of 12 guys with me and we are going to change the world. Would you follow with us?” Worried she was being asked to pull a train she glared at him suspiciously. “Are you saying with you or do you expect me to do all 12?” Jesus shook his head and laughed, “No, of course its just me and you in that way. By the way, the sex has to be our little secret. On the surface we need to appear righteous and free of sin. In private, well anything goes baby.” Mary smiled. “Okay Jesus, I’ll follow you and be your maiden. Changing the world huh? Ha, and they said I would never amount to anything. Wish my friends could see me now!”
Now Jesus had his core group totally set, Mary the repentant sinner always at his side (and then some), and his band of merry men strolling through the countryside giving motivational speeches and teaching classes on how to live the natural laws of life and he was becoming quite well known. But he needed something big. Something that would put him over the top and get him noticed globally. He needed a miracle! The bait and switch.?! That’ll work. There was a high profile wedding in town to which both he and his mother Mary were invited. It was a kick ass affair but the celebration had run out of Ernest and Julia’s jug whine. Jesus’ moms came to him and said “Honey, we’re all out of wine. Can you do something. Jesus was ready, he had eight gallons of wine behind a tree, and spoke very loudly so all could hear what he was saying. “Judas, Simon, no the other Simon, bring me some water.” While his Mom created a distraction Jesus switched jugs and soon the party continued with all in attendance believing he had changed the water into wine. Jesus now had mad street cred’s. It was all anybody talked about for the next two weeks. “Did you hear about this guy Jesus? I heard he took a gallon of water and turned it into 20 gallons of preamo whine. An urban legend was forming and it got bigger as it grew. 20 turned into 40. 40 turned 100. Soon he not only turned water into wine and brought 10 huge pigs to BBQ. He carried them all on his back as he walked across the river! It was incredible. Everywhere you went you heard about some dude named Jesus, his hooker girlfriend, and his 12 faithful followers roaming the world creating miracles, feeding the poor, healing the sick, and stopping war. The towns and villages were abuzz with hope for their future. Everyone was elated. Well not really everyone. Remember that dude Herod, and the salad loving Caesar? They were none to happy. Neither were the hierarchy of the Jewish religion. Seems like Jesus was gonna have some problems with the Romans and the Jews. They didn’t like having their authority challenged. Something evil was afoot…

She Said, I Know What Its Like To Be Dead, (J. Lennon)

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sammy

There and back
J.T. Hilltop

Of all the people to hear about God and life after death Samuel Brooks was not the most likely conveyor of truth. Sam wasn’t an especially religious man, went to church on Easter and Christmas, did good deeds, but never really prayed or sang hymns or anything like that. What made Sam’s story worth hearing was the fact, or at least the fact as he tells it, that he literally died and came back to life. Then again, he does claim his death and return was the result of a heroin overdose so it should be taken with a grain of salt. Perhaps some tequila and lime as well since his story was being told to me at Driftwood Pub in Cow Harbor New York. But to the best of my questionable recollection here’s what transpired.
It should be said first an foremost that Cow Harbor was the Mayberry of the Northeast, a tiny little beach town full of clammers, fisherman, and escapees from the metro Manhattan madness. Anytown USA, it was a beach oriented community on Long Islands northern coastline. From the boredom of the chowder many of us suburban misfits turned to drugs to take us away from a mundane life in a small community. In our day marijuana was a must have while the slightly more hardcore of us experimented with hallucinogens, diet pills, and Quaaludes. The really hardcore bored rural drones dabbled in snorting cocaine and heroin. It freed us of the mediocre and transported us to a level of suburban legend the likes of James Dean in Hollywood. Of course once one dabbles in something as powerful as coke and dope you become a mere half step away from the stereotype portrayed in public service anti-drug movies the schools force feed the huddled masses of suburban youth. The true legends emerged as the rebellious main-liners who inject the poisonous powders directly into their veins. Sam was one of those rebel legends.
I was back in town after leaving some eight years ago to visit the grave of my beloved deceased Mom. While in my old hometown I always stop off at The Driftwood as it’s one of the more comforting hang outs from my metaphoric stomping grounds. A place where the jukebox now played fond memories and the pool table stored folklore of all nigh revelry. Just walking through the door of Driftwoods imparted the warmth of a treasured and magical time. The comfort of a mug of beer transported me even further to an easier if not so innocent time. To make the trip even more appreciable who is sitting at a table in the corner but my old schoolmate Sammy Brooks, one of the once revered icons of a town as defined by drug use. Sammy was known for his numerous battles with addictions and stories of suburban legend most of us were glad we avoided retrospectively, but misguidedly glamorized in the days of our asinine self absorbed down with the system youth. Sam was a heroin addict turned methadone reliant ex user who if had no major contributions to society at least held down a job. Truth be told the stigma of addiction aside he was a really nice guy who just got caught up in his attempt to be the coolest of the cool but instead ended up selling his soul for some temporary recognition. I knew him since kindergarten, and while not best friends we were never enemies, not even for a petty moment.
“Yo Sammy my man, how the fuck ya dewin? Must be like seven years at least brother.” Sam looked up from his drink staring at me puzzled, “JT? That you JT? Hey you look good Bro, still got your pony tail, eh? Glad to see that, too many short hairs around these days. Jeeze shit man what brings you back to this hellhole of a town?” I was honestly surprised he remembered me let alone that I had left town some time ago. I grabbed a beer, sat down and we began to catch up. We had a great time reminiscing the old days but once we got around to the reason for my visit Sam got weirded out. “JT, I know death is hard when its your Mom and shit, but I’ve been there, and there are things about dying you don’t want to know.” He couldn’t have been more wrong, I’m a sponge for information as it relates to the mysterious unknown. There was no way I wasn’t going to ask him what he meant. “Whadda ya mean Sammy? What do you know about death man?” After some prodding Sam relented. “I died from an overdose in the city but for some reason I came back.” Afraid he was gonna go off on some God reached his hand out and took me back story I attempted to change the subject until he asked me if I wanted to hear about what its like to be dead. Of course I did.
“Buy me a club soda Bro, I’ll tell you the whole deal but don’t get mad when I tell you there ain’t no god just a big nothing after you die. I know everyone wants to believe in bright lights, hugs, getting back together with gone family members and shit that’s pure bullshit man, its nothing like that.” I walked up to the bar to get us each a drink. Always one to play the devils advocate this particular time I was in unfamiliar territory lobbying on the side of religion but just to stir it up I asked, “How do you know it wasn’t like God or some angel or something that came an brought you back?” Sam got this real serious look on his face, “Look man, you can believe whatever you want, but if god or the angels or whatever wanted me to live why would they have let me get so strung out on drugs in the first place. Listen to how it went down and judge for yourself man but for me I’m sure there ain’t no super power saving people and shit. Don’t be counting on no help from above because there just ain’t nothing there. You’re on your own Bro.” It wasn’t anger registered on his face but contemplative reality as he launched into his tale.
“I was on the lower east side looking to cop some dope and coke. I was into speed balls back then dude, you know mixing dope with coke in the same shot. The best dope on the streets was Mr. T. which I’d been doing all week. Really good shit man, one bag was enough but two bags sent you out of fucking town. There was some killer coke a few blocks away called double D and I heard it was perfect for balling. I had me some extra cash so I got a bundle (ten bags) of Mr. T then went over to cop some double D. I got four bags and headed out to my little studio apartment to do a few speedballs. I near about ran home with the shit so I could get off good an quick like. It was a really bad time for me Bro, Stella left me, I was gonna get fired soon because I was fucking up a lot, life just totally sucked, ya know? I needed to escape so I take out my spoon, empty three bags of Mr. T into it and add a few drops of water. I cooked that mother fucker up then added a bag and a half of double D, sucked that shit through the cotton ball up into my syringe. I tapped the fucker making sure it was ready to take me away. No prob finding a vein man, I’m a pro at hitting veins.” He rolled up his sleeve to show me the red track marks on his arm as if it were some kind of red badge of courage and not the scratched silhouette of a life once struggling in turmoil. We both took big sips of our drinks as he continued, “I stuck that spike right into my arm and drew back. I see a small patch of blood so I know I got a good hit on the vein so I start booting ya know, hitting slow back an forth a few times then BAM! The whole shot right in to my blood system. I could feel the “C” running up my arm right towards my head when hit me in like two seconds Bro. Like the shit flew right up into my brain and started filling it up with fizzy blood or something then a nice even buzzing settled in between my ears. I was flying bro, like on top of the world flying. It was so awesome it forced a huge smile to creep across my face. I was thinking man this is the fucking best thing in the world for like fifteen seconds, every part of my body buzzing easy before the god damn “H” kicks in. First this warm feeling creeps up my backbone, across my shoulders then into my head, like a warm puddle of happiness soothing as all hell man. My entire being was vibrating nice and smooth and then wham! I sprung up of the bed flying backward and passed out with the needle still in my arm. Next I feel nothing. I mean like fucking nothing bro, like sleeping sound like without any dreaming. I musta hit my head on the wall of something because like I said I was feeling nothing ya know, like I didn’t exist no more. No bright light calling me, no fucking angel singing to me, not even a dream or anything. I wake up like four hours later with this like dried out puke all over my mouth, down my cheek and some big puddle of puke on the bed. I got this slamming mother fucking headache man, like none I never had before. I mean I hear people say they had a splitting headache before man but I swear to god this really felt like it was splitting my brain into pieces. So my head is like throbbing hard, painful as hell but I’m still like groggy, ya know disoriented and shit. Took me five minutes to remember where I was and what I was doing. Something happened to my neck and I can’t hardly move like my shoulders are sprained or something. I look down on the floor see the needle laying there all innocent like. Musta flown outta my arm or whatever cause the rest of the baggies of dope and coke are on the floor too. That’s when it really hit me man, I died and come back for whatever reason. The hit on my head musta made me puke and if I didn’t toss my cookies I woulda been done for bro, I wouldn’t be here telling ya this, Ida been another New York City police blotter statistic. Couldn’t move, just laid in bed for hours thinking about how I just died and come back. Being dead just feels like nothing at all. No lights, no meeting the maker, no life flashing before my eyes, just empty. That’s when I realize there ain’t nothing at all after death man, its just the end, total dark and void. Knowing I lucked out I swore I would stop using, maybe go to NA, ya know, Narcotics Anonymous to help get straight. No more poison in my blood ,man.”
I took in the story and considered how easily this could have been my story. I looked him in the face, “You clean now Buddy, you completely straight?” Sammy peered up from his dark memory, “Oh I’m dosing legally on methadone but as far as street drugs I’m clean. I had to do it on my own cause like NA relies on praising god and shit, and now I know there ain’t no god. Counselor sent me over to another group of former addicts that don’t believe either. We lean on each other and do just like the other Anonymous groups but no meetings with all the thanking and praising shit. Been straight for almost two years now.”
We finished chatting and reminiscing not brining up the addiction again. We had a great judgment free reunion complete with one more beer for me and a game of pool for old times. Neither of us were anywhere near as good as we were in years gone by or maybe we weren’t ever as good as we thought back in the day but either way we had a great time.
One thing Sam said really resonated and if anything that’s what I’d want you to take away from this tale of addiction. There are many reasons people end up addicted to substances and judging them isn’t productive. It doesn’t matter how or why someone goes down that road, that road becomes very dark very fast and its nearly impossible to find your way back without some really good people to shine the flashlight ahead of you instead of in your eyes to make you confess. Sam’s parents gave up on him because they didn’t know what to do but his brother never gave up and neither did his good friends. So between them and the other warriors of addiction he has a good support system which enables him to stay clean. As far as god existing I reckon that’s a personal decision and frankly I really don’t care what your belief is because your believing or not believing has nothing to do with how I perceive you as a person. Like Dr. King once said judge a person by the content of his character, and let me tell you Sam is one helluva character. A real good character……Peace