There Aughta be a Law
So now the scene was set for the so called “Old Testament” to branch out in different area’s. This is where it gets kinda murky with a few different accounts of what happened next. But like an automobile accident, everyone swears that their story is the (Insert name of favorite Creator)‘s honest truth, and of course the truth will set you free. Or will it? The Roamings chose to be monotheist and worshipped God as told by Abraham, the Muscle’ems also monotheist but called their god Allah. Mosey led the remaining suffering juice into their holy land insisting to them all that they were the chosen ones. But chosen by whom and for what? The adventure begins
Mosey decides he should clear up the laws for the Juice in their long bloody trek to the promised land so he began writing his fifth book. He had already written four others. His first was titled Genesis, and it was about how things began according to the disciples, Peter, Gabriel, Phil, and Collins (not Tom Collins, the other one). His second work of fiction was called “Exodus” and it was based on a song by Bob Marley. (easy on the ganja next time Mosey) His third book was a math book he called simply “Numbers” and his fourth a short story about the maker of blue jeans which he called “Levi-ticus. The working title of his fifth and final book was “ Dude-a-Ramen Noodle” but that may change due to Ron or me. It’s main purpose will be to set all the laws required to become the chosen ones, the real Juice. During the years they wandered in search of the real estate they were promised Mosey made up those laws. He created dietary laws, (pissed off the pig farmers) sexual laws, laws of marriage, laws for religious festivals and ceremonies, and the most important law of all. The mother of all Mitzvah laws. The law insisting that every family has a no holds barred all out extravagant party their children when they reach the age of 12 or 13. (boys take longer to mature).
But first things first, on to the promise land. Mosey surveyed his able body men and decided to make Joshua his general. Joshua was a strong and smart man who was once the world wrestling federation champ. He had also trained at Far West Point, the highly regarded Ninja military school run by Genghis Kahn. Joshua began getting his troops in shape with exercises and combat training games. In two short months he had a formidable assembly of fine tuned fighting machines. And good thing too because it wasn’t long until the first battle.
In their quest to take the promise land they came upon a mighty river they needed to cross in order to proceed. Mosey had been told by Yehaw that he was not to cross the river, but to allow Joshua to take over and lead his people. His task was complete and it was time for him to pack it in, to buy the farm He had to die. After all, it had been a great 4,000 years and he was losing his hair, bladder control, and the arthritis was getting too painful. So here it was that instead of a sea parting, it was Mosey and Joshua. “Josh my friend, our years together have at last come to an end. I leave it up to you to lead our people into the promised land. Just promise me that when you do you play nice with the neighbors.” Joshua smiled and shook his head while he place his hand behind his back and crossed his fingers. “I promise you dear friend Mosey, I will lead our people into the promised land and treat our neighbors like they were family.” With that, Mosey went off to die peacefully and Joshua uncrossed his fingers, smiled, and mumbled to himself, “Like the abusive family that fucking abandoned me, hehehe.”
Tag: existentialism
GODSEX SAVES (From plague to pleasure)
“I’ll have her screaming Oh My Fucking Mortal that felt good”
Sacrificing became the norm. They sacrificed everything assuming the gods must be hungry and too lazy to cook. Some asshole started thinking maybe the gods aren’t hungry, maybe they’re horny. They began sacrificing the young women . Oh please!? Like a god could create all kinds of catastrophic events but was incapable of getting laid? What the fuck were they thinking? But sacrifice the young maidens they did. They also began talking to the gods and even singing songs to them. Another very curious habit had begun. Instead of leaving the bodies to decay and replenish Garden Earth they began to bury the bodies. What?? It really confused Cosmo. What was the point of putting the bodies underground? They collectively decided that there was an afterlife and didn’t want their people to be all chewed up and maggoty when they arrived there. Soon religions were popping up left and right, with all kinds of crazy rules and the most bizarre fashion statements ever! What in the bottomless pit of fire are they putting on their heads? Tall hats, pointy hats, skullcaps, and one religion put some weird little place mat over the bald spots at the back of their heads. One of Cosmo’s favorite practical joke were to make his men people lose the hair on their heads, only to find it coming out of their ears an noses. And they were covering up the spots of skin that earned him so much props when talked about at inter-galactic bars. All in all it the most curious new trait of his youmans was when they began to display compassion for the dead. They mourned them an adorned them, wrapped them and boxed them, then covered them in dirt or hid them from sight. They were moving away from animism and the use of collective conscience. Major cultural shifts had taken place and it seemed to be virtually simultaneous throughout the garden. Things were getting out of control, and some crazy shit started happening that had all of them fearing their respective gods.
It was around that time when some really bad and unexplainable shit went down. In the future they would be known as the “Great Plagues” and written down in books as the truth. At first Cosmo did not think much of it but soon he had become suspicious that someone was sabotaging his planet. It started near the big river in the middle east section of Europe in The May Anne Curl Crescent. ( No doubt if Freud had been alive he would have assigned the likeness of the crescent to an entirely different area of Mary Anne’s body. Perhaps that was what truly made it fertile?!). Somehow a large section of the Denial River turned all red with some foreign substance similar to blood. It killed all the fish and aquatic life in the area and poisoned the water. Fish and chips were the main diet staple around the river and many got sick form eating spoiled fish out of desperation. Others refused to eat the tainted sea morals and were starving to death. Curious it was, but it wasn’t until a while afterward when that populated area became absolutely overrun by frogs. It was then that Cosmo remembered the Tribble story. Hiss first impulse was a little joke played on him by the goddess Lucille. “I’m surprised at Lucy. These aren’t cute furry little things these are gross and causing all sorts of warts and boils on my you mans. Lucy…..you got some splainin’ to do!” He called his friend Lucille but she denied having anything to do with it. She ha once played a joke on mmmmm in the nnnnn galaxy that got out of hand. Friggen Tribbles everywhere! She swore it wasn’t her and promised to come by in a day and have a look. Time for Cosmo to straighten up his god pad , he would be entertaining a lady god friend. He cleaned up his bachelor pad and stocked his cabinets with food, god beer, and of course some Meade Plus.
Lucille was perhaps the most beautiful of all the goddesses. She had huge inviting eyes and an almost perfectly round face that adorned smooth white and flawless skin. High cheekbones and huge ebony black eyes gave her a cosmically refined appearance. Her hair was her most recognizable trait. It was bright crimson red, thick and full with large interloping banana curls that danced around her pretty face. An unusually tall goddess she carried her frame effortlessly on extremely muscular and exquisitely long legs that she was more than proud to display in tight fitted sexy split skirts. Always in heels she was a vision of beauty that would have driven any of Cosmos man people to Light-years of insanity, and beyond. A curvy torso without a trace of fat and what could be described accurately as a “treasure” chest made Lucy one of if not the most desired goddess in the universes. But the thing Cosmo loved most above all was her witty and engaging personality. She commanded attention whenever she spoke and had the sharpest wit of anyone Cosmo knew. Cosmo was as nervous as a schoolchild and began to stutter the moment she walked in. “Great sa-sa-singularity you are a vi-vision of beauty.” Lucille shook her head and smiled, “Relax Coz, I’m not here as a conquest I’m here as a friend. But you never know what may happen. Its been a millennium since I’ve been ridden by a god of your intoxicating love skills. Lets have us a drink first and see if we can get your frog infestation toad away.” The glint in her eye assured him the pun was intended and Cosmo chuckled nervously. “Its been quite a while for me as well Luce.” His nervousness was exiting and confidence making a triumphant return. “I’m not sure if I have what it takes to please you lovely Lucille but I would hop, skip, and jump a chance bring you over your limit.” Cosmo gave an enticing wink and Lucille gave a shudder of anticipation. “And I’ll deflate that bulge you have that call my name. But first, lets have that drink and get this ugly plague business out of the way. Tt had gotten much worse than just blood in the water. Frogs! Cosmo updated her on his situation, “The frogs have caused contagious welts and boils and brought about a plague of lice, gnats, and millions of grasshoppers.” Lucille showed a look of real concern. “Contagions are not usually Botchiegalloup’s MO, but everything else sounds like it could be his dirty work. Let me help you clean it up. I’ll start with those insects. They aren’t grasshoppers but locusts. That’s an all out plague of locust too. Locust are even worse than grasshoppers. They have an appetite equal to your sex drive” Lucille glanced at Cosmo’s bulge again and her eyes glittered a rainbow of prism that sent Goosebumps up his thighs right to his scrotal sac. His bulge tried even harder to stand at attention and he knew he would be working through the night and possibly into the morning in his multiple attempts to give Lucille coital satisfactions. The smile she flashed him let him know it would not be all work on his part. Well not literally anyway. “They’ll eat any and all fauna you have in your garden. Ever since that Triible prank Spock and I have been working on infestation control. We used this to control a precious mouse problem Simon had in the Hobbit Shire. A few sprays of Sauron gas will do the trick but the bigger issue is finding out who did this to you.“. Another playful grin. “I expect to be played like a grand piano tonight maestro.” With the grace of a butterfly Lucille flapped two winglets and the wind it created spread the Sauron gas to the effected areas. This simple flapping of butterfly wings set off a series of events that destroyed the locust, the frogs, washed the blood from the Nile and created a severe weather pattern that would one day become known as El Nino. When she turned to look at Cosmo her hair lit up a neon red and her eyes glowed a fluorescent black signaling she was ready for the intimated romp in the clouds. Satisfying a goddess was beyond the typical gods payscale but Cosmo had an unusual eagerness to satisfy which left him quite in demand with the goddesses all over. Cosmo was obligated now to work all night and give it the old college try. If any god could bring about a climax to a goddess it would be Cosmo.
So another evening of bliss was staring Cosmo in the eye and he was up to the task. He applied many of his skillful tricks and spent nearly five hours pleasuring the beautiful Lucile who squirmed with delight. She squealed like as if she had just won the happiest labia lottery. But she had still not climaxed fully and Cosmo was losing stamina. It was time for Cosmo to insert his secret weapon. Literally. He positioned his head at a right angle directly below the clitoral forest and his tongue sprouted from between his lips to deliver the orgasm inducing move. This was Cosmos signature sex move and never failed on non gods. But this was Lucille, and he would need to add all the extra umphh a god can muster. The point of Cosmos tongue entered the love canal with the force of a dragon in heat. He twisted it and twirled it getting it soaking wet and ready. Now for the big move. Cosmo laid her back, spread her legs with her feet pointing a perfect 10 towards the ceiling and poised his raging god hard on at the center of Lucille’s G spot. Then the move. A one and a half triple ollie over the vulva godlever with a quadruple insertion propelled thumper followed by a triplespin. And he stuck the landing! Man oh man did he stick the landing as everyone in garden earth must have feared the most fierce lightning and thunder storm in its history. Her climaxing wail sent vibrations clear across the planet and the spark from her freshly satiated eyes lit up the darkest crevices of the thickest jungles. Tsunamis tsunamied, hurricanes hurricaned, and it shook the cones from all the conifers in the world. If there had been life on Mars it would have stood up and applauded. Lucile had come and an left no doubt about it! After several minutes of satiated heavy breathing which caused gale force winds on earth she began her attempt to repay the salacious favor. She reached between his legs, directed the throbbing divining rod between her pulsating thighs and drew him back inside for the ride of his life. The two went at it for nearly two earth days straight exchanging climax with climax in a feat unequaled by any other. They were the Pyramus and Thisbe of District 7 and one of the few pairings of god and goddess that were able to satisfy each other so completely. They lay wrapped in each others arms long after their sexual urges had been completely eliminated. Exhausted both it was Cosmo that finally found enough strength to talk. “Sweet Amphion you were as incredible as ever sweet Lucy. I can’t remember a time I have ever felt so fucking good.” Lucile smiled a freshly fornicated smile. “You tease Como, but I like it. And you have come up with some new moves I see. You should have that thing copyrighted! I can’t say I ever experienced anything quite like it.” Cosmo blushed as he had indeed learned a few new “tricks”. He too however was satisfied beyond his expectation and could do little more than smile. The two lay in bed and drifted off to sleep after checking that the Sauron gas was working.
Cosmo was thrown off the bed and ripped from the hugging arms of deep sleep by a strange noise. A loud rapping of millions of clacking surfaces like a ton of marbles ha been thrown in the room. Clickety clack, clackety click louder an louder. Cosmo leapt to his feet with a confused “What the Fuck!” He peered out through the window and saw that his garden was literally under attack by a giant all encompassing hail storm. He jumped into action and was able to stop the storm immediately but much damage had already occurred. Many of his creatures, youmans included had been killed and a lot of crops had been decimated. The damage was everywhere. “Athos Damn it to eternal nebula!” Lucy was up and wide awake as well and surveyed the situation. “Holy fuck Cosmo, this is really messed up. Someone is really screwing with your garden and shows nary a sign of stopping. You’ve gotta get to the bottom of this and put this shit to an end.” Cosmo was near tears and in a barely audible voice aid, “Yea, no shit. This is totally fucked up Lucy.” Hailstones the size of not yet invented volleyballs were pounding the earth. The Ice Age had begun while the couple slept in post coital bliss! On the plus side it killed all the pests.
Searchin For Siddhartha
The stress was near unbearable. Like the whole world was ganging up and throwing Bibles at me. “Have you heard the word of the Lord?” well if its just one word than probably, I’ve heard lots of words. “Have you found Jesus?” Jesus? Fuck man I still can’t find Waldo! “God see’s everything, he is always around.” And so are stalkers. Come on everybody stop trying to hide death and destruction behind worn out clichés. Shit happens, I’ll be okay. But their not through, not by a fucking long shot. “God has his reasons” “Put your faith in God” “God has a higher plan”, “God moves in mysterious ways” (I think U2 wrote a song about this one). In Go we trust. Wait, strike that one. Here’s the #1 cliché I heard “She’s one of Gods angels now.” How many angels does an all powerful, all seeing, allmighty stalker need? Please, let me search for my own sanity. Then a book fell from heaven! Okay, it fell from under my coat as I was attempting to shoplift it, but regardless, it fell and the title caught my eye. Siddhartha!
That was way back in 19 yada yada when I was only 14 year old. I lost my Grandma who was my best friend and the only adult in the world who got me. Everyone knew how much she meant to me and they all tried to pacify the tragic event by using religion. But I had already regurgitated all religious ideals and tenets by then. I didn’t want to hear about God, Jesus ,Jehovah, or even Zeus at that time. But this book by Herman Hesse unfolded for me and became a life changer. Ever since I read it I have been on a search for Siddhartha.
Where has that search led me? Actually it led me to myself. That’s where I found what I was missing. I studied with the born again Christians, who back then were actually called “Jesus Freaks” What can I say, after the older generation started calling us freaks we collectively decided to let our freak flags fly. Everythiong was a freak. Hippie freaks, weed freaks, acid freaks, juice freaks, pillheads. Pillhead? Wait, okay not EVERYTHING was a freak. Anyway, a friend of mine was a Jehova’s Witness and his Mom taught bible class on Wednesays. After my buds Dad and older brother died in a car accient a bunch of us went to those classes to keep an eye on her for our friend. So I had learned about all kinds of christian practices. A new Bible called “Good news For Modern Man” was all the rage. What struck me was the term modern. If it really was modern it would be for all people kind, not just man. So in the long run it was just a bullshit approach at involving us in religion
Next I started to read about Budhism because of that book. I really dug the philosophies, but the whole become a monk and burn candle thing was a bit much for me. Besides, I wanted a religion with flexibility, and while it seemed loose on the outside it was centered around four Noble Truths. I don’t want truth, I can’t handle the truth. All I want is freedom of my spirit. But I will keep some of the Buddhist ideals with me, the ones that I felt in my heart. That’s when I learned about existentialism. I was already an Atheist by definition, and as much as I loved the teachings of the Illustrious Buddha I wasn’t ready to conform to the structures someone else’s religion. With existentialism I don’t have to. Through that I learned that all religion is in our own hearts. And my heart is flexible. These days not much on my body is flexible so I dig that! I don’t have to go anywhere special on Saturday or Sunday, I don’t have to pray, confess, or sing songs that aren’t rock songs, (BTW, if there is an all powerful one I’d expect t Christian rock bands to sound a lot better), I don’t have to listen to some dude tell me about how I should live my life, or read me poems about God, no collections, wafers, or wine. Well if it was a nice Cabernet maybe I’d go, but please! All I need to do for my religion is to meditate to clear my head, and to be true to myself.
Now if people ask me am I religious, I say in that I am a creature of habit and do many things religiously, yes, but as far as god, no . I am however, extremely spiritual. That normally confounds them. “If you don’t believe how can you be spiritual?” I have beliefs. I don’t feel a need to worship anyone or anything to attain acceptance. I am part of an amazing universe and I appreciate it every chance I get. Am part of an amazing, if sometimes ignorant species which I also appreciate. I get to love, enjoy music, so all kinds of amazing things and don’t have to answer to the big guy. I don’t need anyone to tell me how to do the right thing, I just do it. I try to never fuck anyone over, and most importantly, I make it a point to never, under any circumstances, judge another person. That’s religions job.
Express yourself, free your mind, live your life…..PEACE
Busted, Disgusted, and Can’t Be Trusted (the consequence)
Be wise and don’t wise of to a southern cop. Especially if he’s your jailor
The Brutal Truth
This was no Sunday stroll these two backwoods hooligans planned to take me on. As I was escorted down one corridor I noticed a cigarette machine with a paperback book on top. Thinking I may need some reading material over the next who knows how many days, I grabbed the book as we went passed without the goon squad seeing it. We made many turns and I was confused about where I was until we stopped at a door that said “Interrogation Room” If I was confused before, I was completely perplexed now. Not sure what interrogating planned but I h they had a nervous feeling about their interpretation of the word interrogate. As it turned out, having nothing to interrogate was the plan. Jimbo opened the door and led me inside. It was a relatively empty room. Four chairs, three on one side of a small wood table, and one lonely chair on the other. It was apparent which one was mine and Jimbo led me right over to it and signaled for me to sit down. Nervously, I sat. It was Billy who spoke as Jimbo moved the other chairs and the table to the corner. “Boy, we need to git an unnerstandin’ tween us here. Firstly, I done never wanna here ya call any of us law officers turn-key again. That get through all that hair into yer brain boy?” With serious alarm I shook my head yes. I was in a very precarious position and was quickly weighing my best options. He stared at me with razor eyes and said “I caint hear you boy, I asked if yew understood!” I sheepishly let out a soft ”yessir.” I was taken aback at how wimpy it sounded. Even the echoing on the near empty room was scoffing at me. Jimbo lifted his right foot up in the air and brought it down hard. He kicked me with his “County issue” stiff leather boot. He had reached up higher than I would have thought he could manage with his roly poly body and landed the heel of that boot directly in the muscle portion of my left bicep. Both me and the chair were caught off guard (pun intended) and went sailing across the floor in search of the wall. My head hit something hard, and I knew I had found the target. A flash of pain and a second of darkness warned me a major headache would accompany me later. Jimbo walked over to my shaking body and got about an inch away from my ear. “He asked you if you got that boy? You lose yer tongue or sumpin?” He didn’t need to scream so loud, what with me being a half inch away and all, but he did feel a need to cover my ear in spit as he yelled. Now I was at a horrible disadvantage and needed to react quick to win these guys over and get out of here. I looked him in the eye and said clearly “Yes sir, I got it. I will not call you turn-key ever again.” It took about all the strength I could muster to say it. Billy was picking me up and Jimbo assisted the chair. “Now that’s much better boy” Billy was now speaking with an air of superiority that he enjoyed immensely. “Sit back down now boy, we don’t want you falling off your chair agin y‘all might hurt yerseff” Big bad Jimbo leaned down to my dry ear and began to talk in a half whisper. “Let me tell ya how this is gonna go here yankee boy. We dun like no strangers comin roun here causin no trouble. We don like you, but y’all gonna be here a while so you need to git the rules straight. Theys pretty simple. Rule one, we are always in charge and you nevah nevah talk back to any one of us.” I was nodding my head in agreement, but before I could get a word out, Billy Boy had whacked my left calf with his baton so hard I felt fire surging up my leg and go numb in seconds. First pins and needles then my calf was throbbing. Jimbo looked over on the floor saw the book that took flight when me and the chair went airborne. With a mocking disgusted look he picked it up. “Boy, now what the Hell is this? Lookie here Billy, hippie boy done stole someone’s book.” He shook his head like the condescending asshole he was, “ Now see , hairbag, this is just the kind of thing we wants to avoid. Where’n the hell y’all get this?” I gently shook my head trying to think of an answer that would appease him, but to no avail. “Nevernin boy, it ain’t matter no how.” He placed the book up to my temple, pulled back his baton to hit the book so hard my head snapped back. A new pain shot through my head. Throbbing, burning, and pounding like I had never experienced before. The chair and I both tumbled to the ground again. Billy walked over to where I had fallen, and stepped hard on my calf. “Is this the spot where you hurt yaseff boy?” I felt throbbing all over, in my leg, my head, and now in my stomach. When I looked up Jimbo was standing over me with his baton by his side and a sadistic smile on his face. I felt nausea whirling up and feared if I puked it would just piss them off more. It snuck up into my mouth and I clenched it shut and swallowed. It was even worse than the mornings year old oatmeal. I was having trouble breathing which is when I realized I had just been whacked in the stomach with his baton. Now my solar plexus and ribs ha joined in the misery. My head was spinning and my eyes had teared up and I everything looked blurry. Jimbo picked me up and locked my arms behind me. Billy took the book I had found, and placed on my temple again, and whacked the book again. He moved the book to various places on my face and continued the beatings. “See boy, you did us a favor with this here book y’all stole. Ain’t gonna be no marks on yer face, but I bet its gonna hurt for a long time comin’ You ain‘t gonna steal no more books, are ya?.” Jimbo sat me down in the chair, or should I say threw me into the chair where I collapsed in pain and exhaustion. I could hardly breathe, and barely speak. I looked up through the tears in my eyes and watched them parading around with ugly satisfied looks on both of their faces. The beatings continued for what seemed like an hour, but was more likely only five or ten minutes. They applied the book and baton combination to various body parts, mostly concentrating on my face and arms. It was accompanied with their hideous sadistic laughter. They were seriously enjoying it but I was beginning to fade in and out of consciousness and began numbing up. I swallowed another mouthful of vomit for fear of worse beatings. My entire body was throbbing and aching, and Billy got right in my face again. “So I think we have us an unnerstandin’ here, right boy?” He pointed the baton to my face and smacked it with his other hand. The hard wood made a direct hit to my nose and I could immediately feel blood trickling down my face. It took every ounce of strength to just nod yes. Satisfied, Billy stood up and smiled at Jimbo. “I think he unnerstans Jimbo. Maybe we should get this nice young law breaker something to drink, he looks like he has a mighty thirst. Maybe you better fill out a report bout how he got into a fight with another inmate. Use Chester this time” They both laughed. Billy left the room and Jimbo picked up the paperback and handed it to me. “Keep it son, you earned it. Now don’t y’all go nowhere ya hear me?” I looked up at him but everything was still blurry. I knew he was very close because I could smell his stale smoke breath. He grabbed my pony tail and lifted me off the chair, put his forearm to my chest and flung me as hard as he could into the wall. I collapsed and just laid on the floor, not sure if I couldn’t move or just didn’t want to. He threw what I hoped was a clean handkerchief at me and told me to clean myself up. I heard the door close and sensed I was alone. I think I cried as the blood from my nose was thinned out with tears.
After abut a half an hour I scrambled to stand up but fell again. I couldn’t put any pressure on left leg without feeling intense pain. I managed to climb onto the chair and rubbed my leg. My head and face took turns pounding out a tribal beat. I could actually feel the blood coursing through my veins as though my defense system was an ER on full alert. Blood to the injured areas, STAT! Blood rushing to my injure face, my swollen forehead, and my still throbbing leg. I was breathing hard and the dried blood on my nose made it more difficult. My ribs and my stomach hurt. I had been worked over real good, like Cool Hand Luke. Now a puddle of crying beat up excuse of a man was sure his street creds were all but over.
The door opened up and it was Jimbo again. “C’mon boy, it’s time to take you home.” He walked up close and stepped hard on my foot with his fat ass digging in his leather heel. A twist for good measure then a sarcastic smile and wink. Billy walked in with a bottle of water and threw it at me. “See boy, we takes good care of our crimy-nals in these parts. I sure hopes we got us a good unerstanding now.“ They each got on one side of me and basically carried me out of the interrogation room and back down some more corridors until we reached the general population of the jail. I was hobbling along limping and bent over like a captured animal. It was as if they were parading me around all proud of how tough they were to beat up a prisoner and making a statement to the others about who is in charge. They walked me to my cell and tossed me towards my bed. I plopped down on my mattress. They left and I just laid down and started to re-live the beating. Everything hurt. My face felt swollen and my spirit had been broken. I was barely conscience of my surroundings, but I heard noises all around me. After about a half hour, I fell asleep and dreamed. I had one of the most vivid dreams of my life. I dreamed I was going to a big mansion somewhere in the sky, and wondered if I was dying. The song “Spirit in the Sky” played over and over in the dream. I was in and out of lucidity for the rest of the day and night. Tomorrow would be another day
Baby Baby, Where Did Our Love Go?
This is a very serious and sad excerpt of a story mostly funny. It’s a peek into the dark side of my hero’s sad life
You’re Cheatin’ Heart
Kayla was sound asleep, and on any other night I would have been asleep too, knowing Tina would come home after she was done with her shift. First maybe have a drink or two before coming home. I worked in many a restaurant and a few shots after service was common. But this wasn’t any other night. This was the night I was confronting Tina. I had been relatively certain she had been cheating on me, but now I had some hard to dispute evidence. Her best friend and normal excuse for being late called looking for Tina a few hours ago, and on the counter sat a receipt signed by her from the Miller Edge Motor Inn. I laid in wait in the darkness as my anger percolated. When I heard her car pull up a rush of adrenaline churned in my gut then gathered in my head. I was shaking. This was it!
The second she walked through the door my fears were confirmed. Her face wore an all telling satisfied smile. The kind of smile I remembered seeing so often after our nights at the Jade Feather before we were married. That freshly laid smile. It cut deep into my heart. Here it goes. “So where ya been babe?” Tina was startled, caught off guard not expecting me to be awake. I could feel the nervousness in her lie. “Oh, Joanne and I stopped of for a drink and it turned into 4 or five. We had some late customers and Jo and Jacob are having problems again.” I took a deep breath, anger growing by the second. “That’s really odd because Joanne called about two hours ago to remind you that you promised to cover her shift tomorrow.” The silence sat for an extremely uneasy four seconds as Tina began to attempt a backtrack. “Oh, did I say Joanne, I meant” I cut her off instantly” Stop the bullshit Tina! Stop it right now. You weren’t with Joanne or any other work friend. But I think I can guess where you were. More than likely at the Millers Edge Inn. It seems like that’s where you like to go, at least according to that receipt that was in your coat pocket.” I held the receipt out tyo her in a shakey hand. My body responding involuntarily to the ssour mix of anger, nervousness, and anxiety. She just stared, eyes wider than I thought possible. Busted! She had nowhere to take it. She looked down at the floor. Her face was flushed blueish red from the guilt and the sex drugs and alcohol that were more than likely involved. She raised her head, eyes now pathetic an pooling up with tears. At the same time they were profoundly sad eyes. It must have taken all she had to issue a sad mumble of “I-I’m sorry JT. I’m so so sorry.” A sniffle for an exclamation point.
“You’re sorry? Sorry about what Tina? Sorry that you’ve been fucking somebody behind my back or sorry you got caught?” My face must have been bright crimson red because I could feel rivulets of livid red blood cells swirling around my face. I wasn’t done yet. “ I have been faithful, all the time faithful. We had a fucking pact Tina, we’ve both been fucked over before and swore we would never o that to each other.“ The next question asked itself because I son’t remember thinking it. Who is it? Who are you sleeping with? Someone from the kitchen? A waiter? Who the hell are you fucking?” She paid no attention to the fact that it was more a demand than a question, Through her tears she softly asked, “JT please, does it really matter?” Actually a fair question but for some reason I felt I had to know. “It makes a difference to me, Tina, me your husband. You‘re partner for life!!” Tina looked up at me and streams of tear had begun sliding down her cheeks. “Please JT, don’t make me, it isn’t important. I ssis it and I’m sorry. I don’t know what you want me to say.” Head still burning hot with anger my voice was getting a bit too loud. “I’ll tell you what I want you to say, I want you to say it didn’t happen. But it’s too late for that now isn’t it Tina. So I guess I’ll just have to settle on knowing who it is I can blame for ruining my life.” My sarcastic tone was over the top and I regretted the moment I used it, but fuck man, I was pissed! She looked at me defiantly and just spat out his name. “Johnny” A Louisville Slugger of shock cracked me dead in the temple. Sent resounding waves of disbelief across my skull. My head throbbed with a combination of bewilderment and almost uncontrollable anger. Johnny?! Fucking Johnny boy, the love of her life before we started dating. The very dude I had taken her from, who abused her, calledd her names, and cheated on her right under her nose!. The mother fucker she cried to me about for weeks after they broke up. The piece of shit that treated her like dirt for years. I couldn’t breathe. I was aware of how loud it had gotten and didn‘t want Kayla to wake up. Choked with incredulousness my voice sounded squeezed .“Johnny. You mean Johnny boy the fuckhead that you hate? That fucking Johnny? I can’t believe this! How the fuck did this happen?” Now her tears were in full flight and forcing their way through her finger. Tina was shaking visibly and breathing in uneven pants. “It doesn’t matter.” Fury was at an all time high. “Stop saying it doesn’t matter. It does matter. It really does fucking matter!”
After a deluge of wet sobs Tina attempted to explain herself. “I went out for a drink with the girls after work last week and Johnny was there. He came over and we started talking. Just talking, nothing else. He wanted to tell me how sorry he was and wanted to be friends again, we had a few drinks, one thing led to another and I-I don’t know. It just happened.” I was still in stun mode and the anger needed to escape in the worst way. “It just happened?” I was pissed and I could hear Tina sobbing heavily. “Something like that doesn’t just happen Tina. That’s bullshit. You have to know that something might happen. You say to yourself, this is a bad situation, this is wrong. This asshole fucked me over an now I’m talking to him. I can’t do this cuz I’m married. I’m happily married and….” The Louisville Slugger struck again, this time filled with reality. “Wait! Shit! Oh my godd no!? Oh no no no. Oh shit Tina. You’re not happy are you!? You were hoping. Oh Jeu god you were looking for someone or something that would free you out of ….of life with me. An unhappy like with me! What about Kayla? Are you unhappy about Kayla too?” Now Tina’s face looked distorted. The sockets of her eyes were sunken and wrinkled, deep reddish brown from so much rubbing, Soaked through and through from an all out cry. Every pore of her face looked sad and defeated. He looked old to me for the first time. Oh my fucking god id she hate me that much? I was consumed by a combination of anger, betrayal, guilt, sadness and deep self loathing. My old pal, the demon of self hate. How I hated myself so back a few years. Back when I told Carrie about my theory that everyone that gets to know me either dies or leaves. That’s probably why I got so fucked up all the time, did so many drugs. Fuck man, even I couldn’t stand being near myself. Why should Tina feel any different. The years of confidence building collapsed in a single instant. I was crushed and beginning to understand it was my fault. But Tina was clearly blaming herself too. Neither of us were able to talk. All we could do was shake and cry and sniffle. How did it come to this? I poured myself a huge glass of straight vodka from the freezer. It was half gone in a matter of seconds, and being a half empty type of guy at this moment I filled back up, then emptied it.
We sat in silence for about ten minutes until Tina found the courage to talk. “Now what JT? Where so we go from here?” I thought for a few seconds, said ”I don’t know Tee, I just don’t know.” My voice had taken on an eerie even tone and I almost didn’t recognize it. “I think I need to go home to Centerlawn and think things through. And I think you need to think too. I guess we both need to figure out what we want. But I guess this is over” Surprisingly Solomonic. Tina just stared at me with a profound sorrow in her eyes so deep it made her look totally detached from life. “I am so so sorry JT. Its all my fault. I don’t even no where to begin.” I put my finger up to her lips, “Shh, there plenty of blame to go around. I’ve been so consumed with work and, fuck man I don’t know what. I-I just never saw this coming. We both fucked up. Maybe we should never have been, I don’t kmow. Like I said, I need to think shit through. I gotta split. I’m going home to my Moms, I need to think. I’ll be back to see Kayla after work tomorrow.” I pounded down another glass of vodka and took what was left of the bottle. I could hear Tina sobbing loudly in the background as I walked out the door. I took one last look at our home, our once happy home and could see Kayla’s window. Her parents had just become the monsters under her bed. I thought about Kayla and broke down and cried again. Not a soft cry, not even a cry like I had when my brother James died. This was a deep guttural cry with an ugly darkness. I have lost Tina, I lost my dignity, and worst of all I lost Kayla. All in the blink of an eye. I blew Kayla’s window a kiss through my tears, wiped off my soaked cheeks and took a seep breath. I got in my car and left. I wondered if I was ever coming back.
Arose….. by any other name
The third day he rose from the dead and the world had a new category to lump people into. Christians. Oh vey, it wasn’t enough to have Jews Hindis, Buddhists, Taoists, Pagans, Friend, Romans, and Countrymen. Religion is like Jell-O, there’s always room for more. And damn man, did they ever torture that dude. The stuck a sticker bush full of pricks (not to mention the pricks that whipped him first) on his head, handed him the 200 pound lumber they would nail him to and said “carry THIS J-Man!” So he had to carry his death instrument down the street while people yelled hit at him like, Go back to Nazareth carpenter boy, and Who da king now bitches” No doubt some real asshole prolly yelled “Bring your own nails woodworker!” Treated the dude like total shit, then nailed him angled at southern exposure so the sun would burn slower. Rude Roman sadists! Anyway, they took hiss dead carcass an stuck it in a cave. Three days later, GONE! Did Mary sneak the body out? One of the dirty dozed? Coulda been a grave robber. Or……or he really did rise from the dead. Either way, Christianity was born.
What is with people and their damn categories anyway? Just yesterday a friend of mine said to me, “Oh, you’re an existentialist? Does that mean you’re an Atheist?” Just the question itself made me chuckle. As usual I attempted to explain.” Well Existentialism is a philosophy that excludes the necessity of God from my life. What I mean is whether he or she does or doesn’t exist has no effect on my life so I don’t give it much thought. For my part though, I don’t believe in God the way in which you do, so I guess by your definition I would be an Atheist.“ His next question magically transformed my chuckle into a laugh, “So then, that means you’re not a practicing Atheist, right?” WTF??? How exactly does one practice to not believe in something. Did I become a practicing Anti-Santatite when I stopped believing in Santa Claus? Athletes practice. Musicians practice. Lawyers and doctors practice. (I know right? I don’t want a doctor that still has to practice either, but just go with it) Atheist pretty much have it mastered by the time they say no I don’t believe in God. No practice necessary. I don’t need to attend service and sing songs about not praising anyone, I don’t need to go through any ritualistic behavior like snake handling, or ganja smoking like Rastafarians. I admit the ganja ritual sounds cool, but I don’t need to practice that either. I had that all figured out in the early 70’s. I once practiced playing the piano until I figured out how badly I suck at it. Then I stopped practicing. So I guess I’m still a pianist, just not a practicing one.
I get it, certain categories give you an insight into the person. But it can be misleading. I have been called a hippie. Originally meant to lump me into a group. Long dirty hair, smelly and unbathed body, pot smoking environmentally aware peace lover , communist, socialist, and so on. You dig it, I know you have been lumped into some sort of category. There are o friggen many of them. Its kinda like the zodiac. Every person will find some character traits in their prospective sign. Why? Cause they make generalizations. That’s what categorizing does, it sticks you in box of generalizations. Many people place others in boxes in a lame attempt to make themselves somehow superior. A good example in America is the “Gay marriage” debate. And here’s some of those Christians again, shouting how god called homosexuality an aberration. They call themselves Christians so they can feel like the superior religion, the one making decisions for everything. Turn your cheeks guys, its not gay marriage its marriage. Its about love not sex. I don’t have gay friends, I have friends who happen to be gay. I don’t introduce anyone as my hetero sexual friend so why should I introduce anyone as my gay friend?
Point is too many of us pre-judge based on beliefs or looks. Okay I confess, every date I have ever been on (while fully conscious) was at first based on attraction. Something about the person attracted me, either esthetically or sexually. I chose to pursue them based on looks. But any long term relation hip was based on mutual interest’s and content of integrity as it pertained to how they viewed me. It’s hard sometimes, some of our pre-conceptions are so deeply ingrained in us its almost impossible to disregard them. They have been hammered into our minds since birth. Boys don’t cry or play with dolls. Fat kids are just pigs that eat too much. Girls should look for husbands when they grow up, and learn how to take care of the home. We are put on overload of generalizations and prejudices from our parents and other authority figures. Hopefully we become intelligent enough to regurgitate the really mean and hurtful ones and not pass them on to our kids. Not easy. I grew my Moms finger pointer and I raised my voice like my Dad more often than I would have hoped, but I gave my best attempt to instill a sense of individuality and integrity in my kids. It wasn’t easy when my son stood up to me after heated disagreements, but didn’t harbor anger. I turned away and smiled and thought, “My boy is growing up.”
If anything, make a consorted effort to not judge. It may not be easy, but this world is getting crazy. Over-crowed, high tech, fast paced and more dangerous every day. Every hour. Give the next generation a fighting chance by teaching with patience and tolerence. Let them grow. If we can’t figure out a way to appreciate each other free of preconceived notions our warring angry attitudes will end our reign as the most intelligent species on earth.………Peace
Unholy Thursday (the last straw)
Man, that dinner was to die for!
Now neither Cosmo nor Jesus had any clue what was going on and they just kept on trying to save the garden. Cosmo created more miracles to enhance Jesus’ image and Jesus kept teaching and preaching all over trying to get the youmans back to global synergetic activity. He was gaining ground but his message was being misinterpreted. He became very frustrated and began referring to Cosmo as God just like the people did, and he even went as far as to use it as a threat. “You need to seek Gods forgiveness for your sins or he will bring great misfortune upon you.” It seemed to work so much better than plain old reasoning. People trembled at his feet, washed his feet, kissed his feet (Which really pissed Mary the jealous off). They were worshipping not only this God, but Jesus as well. The ego stroked so often becomes inflated to a huge hard self centered chaotic balloon. . (much like the body part that had caused so much of the situations herein). What I’m saying here is went to Jesus’ heads. Both of them! He began to believe he could control these mere mortals. He was healing crippled people, lepers, and handing out forgiveness as if he himself were a full fledged god. On one very memorable occasion he came into a temple while traveling through Jerusalem and did not like what he saw. Old people playing bingo for money, a flea market of rip off sellers, sex being sold openly, and no one seemed to care he was there. He went up to a money monger who was conning people with a game of three card Monty and tossed the cardboard box with the cards and cash all over the floor. Everyone stopped and stared mouths agape as Jesus yelled, “Get out all of you! Get out! This is supposed to be a place of worship but you have made it a den of thieves. Get out!” Everyone left uncomfortably thinking that Jesus had just had a breakdown, and Caiaphas saw this a the perfect chance. He got Annas and told him to set the plan in motion. The end of Jesus was in sight and Cosmo was at the District visiting Mary Anne and was unable to step in and help.
It’s well documented how Judas betrayed Jesus just before their big dinner but there are a few undocumented occurrences that were left out. First of all it wasn’t supposed to be the last supper, it was an awards dinner where Jesus was gonna give props to his twelve disciples. Before dinner Judas came up to Jesus really high on opium and tried to lay a sloppy French tongue sporting kiss on Jesus while at the same time reaching down and massaging his rod and staff. Concerned when his man meat began to respond eagerly he through Judas away. “Judas stop this sinning. I don’t want you to do that.” Judas was now spurned and yelled “Cut out the dramatics you know very well you want me to do it. Fucking A, now I’m glad I told that fucking Lucifer where you would be!” Silence spoke volumes. Judas had thrown Jesus under the bus and the shit was about to hit the fan. Tears welled in Jesus’ eyes, “Judas, must you betray me with a kiss?” Judas took his seat and sat in silence, ashamed of what he had done. Jesus took his place at the head of the long table.
“My faithful, this was meant to be an award dinner to show my appreciation for you, but it seems we have a traitor amongst us this eve.” All eyes turned toward the nodding out Judas Iscariot. Jude tried to play it cool, “What? Wait, you all think its me? Fuck each one of you all have skeletons in your closets. Paul, did you tell Jesus about the goosing you gave Mary? Oh yea, that’s right Jeez, Paully boy was hitting on your honey. And the murdering Thomas who has actual skeletons after killing the women who doubted his sexual orientation.. And you Bart, any mention of the crown of thorns you made for Caiaphas? Didn’t think so.” Jesus cut him off loudly. “Enough! That’s enough, its over. Okay, here’s the deal, They are going to crucify me, shortly after dinner tonight. Some of the hotels already have ’Jesus Slept Here’ signs in front of their hostels.” Peter spoke up, “No, it can’t be true messiah!” Jesus looked sadly at denying desciple, “Peter, Peter, Peter, you know its going to happen. I know you’ll deny this but I heard you tell Simon it was going down tonight.” Peter objected, “No, its not true.” J man just shook hi head. “I swear, its untrue Jesus, I said nothing!” Jesus turned to Andrew and whispered, “Check this out, he will deny it again. Three time he’ll deny it.” Everyone was looking at Peter except Simon, who was looking up at the ceiling and whistling hoping to be undetected and left out of the conversation. Peter stood, “It’s not true.” Andrew addressed the group,“ ”Holy defecation, its as Jesus predicted, Peter denied it three times.” Sensing the dinner was getting out of control the leader stood up and grabbed a goblet of wine. He held the goblet high, “Drink my faithful, drink your wine as it were my blood.” The men all looked at each other in confusion. Blood? Its fucking wine! But hey, oh, this is Jesus talking so they humored him. All guzzled their wine with abandon muttering things like “Yes, your blood. Uh huh, were drinking your blood JC.” Then Jesus held up a loaf of bread and began ripping parts off and handing it to each man. “Eat this bread as it were my body.” Now the men were thinking that maybe Jesus was tripping or something, but they obliged, each filling their goblets of wine to the top before taking the bread.. The rest of the meal was silent, most wondering if Jesus should be committed.
By the time they were finished, more wine had been consumed than food. One by one the men passed out where they sat. All but one. Jesus wasn’t tripping, he wasn’t even drunk. He was wondering what the fuck happened to Cosmo and why he had left him alone to face this. He looked up towards the eternal clouds and clasped his hands. “Pops, where are you? Do you know what they are doing to me? Okay, I know you did the miracles and shit so I guess you have a plan, I just wish you would share it with me. But its okay, I’ll go. I’ll walk into the belly of the beast an await your advice.“ But alas, Cosmo couldn’t hear his words. Cosmo had been summoned to the Bobaloo Galaxy for a seminar “ Mind Over Anti-Matter” held by the universal science mind of TED. Jesus walked into the Garden of Gethsemane and the rest is history. As for Judas, he went back to Lucifer for something stronger, and Lucifer of course made it way too strong and Judas OD’ed. By the time Cosmo had returned from the Bobaloo his son Jesus was dead on a cross.
Shock filled Cosmo to the brim. Shock and anger. His beloved youmans had not only lost their way, they had killed the only son he and his love Mary Anne had. The worst part was how violently they killed him. Cosmo turned his back on his youmans and headed back to the District to be with Mary Anne and the child who had become Jesus’ body double. There he would remain for eighteen hundred and twenty three years and he returned just in time to see some dude named Louis Pasteur had figured out the world of tiny little organisms he called germs. After checking out his garden Cosmo “thought, holy shit, what the fuck has been going on here?” He needed to review what had been going on in his garden during his absence so he went to the videotape.
Cosmo and Mary Anne watched the various stages of growth the garden had undergone since their son was killed. Some of it was appalling and some of it endearing. Overall Cosmo was filled with more disappointment than he had expected. “Look at all this Mary, all the wars, famines, and diseases on Earth! What the burning underworld could they be fighting over?” Mary was very bright and able to grasp situations well. “Cosmo, these battles they have been waging seem to have two things in common. Arbitrary lines of land ownership and the belief in different gods. They have been killing each other for so long I believe some of them have forgotten why. Look at all these atrocities Babe, wars fought in Rome and France between protestants and Catholics, Sudanese war between Christians and Arabs, The Crusades, The Inquisition, my sweet nebula what have they done to the memory of our son?” Cosmo shook his head, “it’s true my love, they have blighted the memory of our son and used it as an excuse to kill and maim. Its deplorable. And they have undergone deadly plagues, measles, anthrax, rabies, typhus, small pox, and the bubonic plague. The Black Death. The Bubonic plague that spread everywhere and claimed over 75 million lives. How could those micro-organisms possibly get in my garden?” Mary Anne thought carefully before giving her opinion. The persons name she was about to use was a source of some displeasure in her relationship with Cosmo, but he did after all know what kind of work she did before they became an item. Even so, Cosmo was not happy that Mary Anne had some history with Mychrighton. “I’m not sure I should mention this or not babe, but Mychrighton is pretty well known for his experiments in micro-organism in the Andromeda Strain Galaxy.” Too upset to allow jealousy deter his thoughts it was an a-ha moment for Cosmo. “Of course, the pathogen killer, using satellites to destroy his own creations. Saved by the brilliant Lucy when she introduced the Kalocin that became a universal antidote. I have to figure out a way to introduce Kalocin in the garden. Maybe this Pasteur guy can help.” If Cosmo had dropped Lucy’s name on purpose to counter the subconscious feeling of jealousy it worked. Mary Anne’s face reddened ever so slightly and she angrily reminded herself of the once hot and heavy relationship that was all the rage in the District gossip papers. She thought about firing back with another comment about Mychrighton but took the high road because of the important work ahead.
Life Is A Cabernet Old Chum (the anti-easter saga continues)
Spill The Wine, Dig That Pearl
(I need a miracle every day!)
Now Jesus had his core group set, Mary the repentant sinner always at his side (and then some), and his band of merry men strolling through the countryside giving motivational speeches and teaching classes on how to live the natural laws of life. They were becoming quite well known but they needed something big. Something really big. Something that would put him over the top and get him noticed globally. They needed a miracle! The bait and switch.?! That’ll work. There was a high profile wedding in town to which both he and his mother Mary were invited. It was a kick ass affair but the celebration had run out of Ernest and Julia’s jug whine. Jesus’ moms came to him and said “Honey, we’re all out of wine. This is our big chance Jee. Time to do something huge. Make your miracle my son.” Jesus was ready with eight gallons of wine hidden behind a tree, and spoke very loudly so all could hear what he was saying. “Simon, bring me some water. This party is not over. I‘ll make wine for everyone.” While his Mom created a distraction Jesus switched jugs and soon the party continued with all in attendance believing he had changed the water into wine. Jesus now had mad street cred’s. It was all anybody talked about for the next two weeks. “Did you hear about this guy Jesus? I heard he took a gallon of water and turned it into 40 gallons of preamo wine. An urban legend was forming and it got bigger as it grew. 40 turned into 60. 60 turned 100. Soon he not only turned water into wine but brought 10 huge pigs to BBQ. He carried them across the river! It was incredible. Everywhere you went you heard about some dude named Jesus, his hooker girlfriend, and his 12 faithful followers roaming the world feeding the poor, healing the sick, and stopping war. The towns and villages were abuzz with hope for their future. Everyone was elated. Well not really everyone. Remember that dude Herod, and the salad loving Caesar? They were none to happy. Neither were the hierarchy of the Jewish religion. Seems like Jesus was gonna have some problems with the Romans and the Jews. They didn’t like having their authority challenged. Something evil was afoot.
The camel shit hit the fan when the antichrist came to town. The who? The antichrist. Remember earth Jesus’ sister Rosemary? Well Rosemary claims her and “The Superbly Endowed Evil Dude” had a baby and his name is Lucifer. Lucifer the antichrist. Rosemary’s baby all grown up was challenging this righteous dude trying to make people feel god to a duel of apocalyptic proportions. A revelation of epic battle was here to upset the forbidden applecart. His first stop was with a Jewish high priest named Caiaphas.
Cosmo caught oracle like wind of this. He was profounly alarmed and arranged for Jesus to sneak away for a secret meeting and update. “Hey pops, how’s Mom?” Como hugged his son. “She is well J, she misses you a lot. How are things going in the garden?” Jesus shrugged his shoulders, “Well it’s not easy pops. I have my disciples and my family behind me, and some other follower but it’s going kinda slow. I pulled off a fake miracle and that got me a lot of new followers but I need to do something big. I gotta tell ya pops, for some reason they call you God, not Cosmo or a god, but God Almighty. They are scared shitless of you.” Cosmos eyes sparkled with a touch of pride, but he knew that he needed to stay on point. “Yes, yes, I see how they act. But we have bigger fish to fry here my son. Those people will come around. Here is the deal. I’m gonna help you and create some more of the miracle things that work. I’ll have you heal some lepers, help the poor, and let’s see….Walk on water! That’s great, you can walk on water. That should convince the doubtful that you are the real deal three course meal. Once they all believe in you all you need do is get them back on the path of live and let live an teach them how to live a good life co-existing with the rest of the living things in our garden.” Jesus gave it some deep thought. “Easier said than done Dad, but I’ll do my best. I think I have a few cards left up my sleeve.” Cosmo gave his son a stern glare, “Its not what’s up your sleeve that concerns me, its what’s in your pants. Which brings to mind son, what are your intentions with Miss Magdalene?” Now it was Jesus turn to glow with pride. “She’s a looker eh Dad? I think I may bring her back to the District some day. I really do like her, I’m not using her.” The glare sprung into a knowing man smile. “Just be careful boy, men have been known to do some pretty crazy shit for a woman.“ Jesus chuckled, “I hear ya Pops, she does this strange thing to me and wants me to’ Cosmo cut him off not wanting to hear about his sons sexual practices. “Never mind that Jesus, just make sure your decisions only come from your main head. Now get going, I’ll set up your miracles.” Cosmo described his plan. “Your disciples are on a boat fishing and the boat is stuck. When you get down there I will freeze the sea just long enough for you to walk out and save them in front of a big crowd. After that it’s up to you.”
Jesus went down to the sea and just as Cosmo had promised the disciples were stuck out on the water and a huge crowd had gathered by the shore. Judas cried out, “Jesus, help us!” The big J man closed his eyes and started walking, and true to his word his father froze the water beneath his feet with each step and gave the appearance of walking on top of the water. He grabbed the line of the boat and to the jaw dropping amazement and cantankerous cheers and applause he guided the boat to shore and saved the group of hapless following fishermen. A thunderous display of accolades followed and word spread very quickly. Soon everyone had heard of this dude who claims to be the son of God walking on water, and changing water into wine. With the hand of Cosmo as his guide he roamed the countryside with Mary and his band of merry men healing sick people and feeding poor. At one point the took one loaf of bread and fed twenty people, but by the time the story got out it had evolved into feeing thousands with only one loaf of bread. Jesus was rapidly becoming the most popular man on earth. People everywhere spoke of his good deeds, his teachings of tolerance, and his ability to convey Gods forgiveness to those in need. But not everyone was happy about all this pomp and circumstance. King Herod, and the emperor Caesar wanted nothing less than to have this guy Jesus killed. Caesar summoned one of his high priests and told him something must be done. As it turned out that high priest was none other than Caiaphas, who had become fast friends with Lucifer the anti-Christ. In private meetings of the Jewish high priests and the leaders of Rome they set about a plan to create a more permanent solution to their problem. Caiaphas spoke to the cabal, “What then to do about Jesus of Nazareth? Miracle wonderman, hero of fools. No riots, no armies, no fighting, no slogans, one thing I’ll say for him Jesus is cool.” Lucifer sneered and made a pfft sound. Caiaphas continued, “seriously guys, how shall we deal with him? Any suggestions?” Annas, the high priest of the newly formed Roman province spoke first, “My dear Caiaphas, I have a bag of silver and we have Lucifer right here with us. That dude Judas is strung out on opium and I feel he is vulnerable. What if we have Lucifer become his dealer and give him high grade shit and then raise the price drastically. We can force him to make a deal with the antichrist for a bag of silver and a supply of opium. We can not only get the 411 on what this Jesus fucker is doing, we can have Judas set him up.” Caiaphas smiled one of the biggest shit eating grins any had ever seen and replied, “
Annas, you are fucking brilliant. Lets go nail his ass to a cross!”
Some have a way with words, others say &#@K it
What Are Words For?
Freedom Of Speech Is Accompanied With The Responsibility To Listen
Words. Play on words, word to my Mom, word on the street, word of honor, big words, small words, funny words, all kinds of words. That’s why most of us are here on WordPress! We write because we are passionate about words. I love words. I use words. Sometimes I even eat my words. (a good reason to sugar coat my words). Words have gotten me into passionate situations. Words exercise my vocal chords keeping them in shape so they can get loud during conjugal episodes. My words come out of my mouth faster than a horny bumble bee on Viagra during sex. Well if its good sex that is. (mine, not the bumble bee’s). Words convey my thoughts. Words are thoughts with the speakers turned up high. Words are words whether your like it or not.
We all use them. They express, teach, and communicate. They frighten, warn, and ease the pain. They have unending uses. When used correctly they can coax feelings of euphoria, send you into a panic, or make you feel like shit. What they don’t do is offend! Oh I hear ya, people can say some real mean shit and you get pissed, even offended. But its not the words that did that, it was the person that used them. Words aren’t hurtful it’s the intent behind them that aches.
I don’t speak French but I worked in a French restaurant. While I couldn’t tell what the chef was yelling at me I got the gist of it. Oddly the words themselves sounded beautiful. French is definitely the nicest language to get bitched out in. And that my friend is no merde. (that means shit, I learned quick)
Shit, a good place to start, because the specific words I want to focus on are the PROFANE words. What makes a word profane? If you are offended by profanity than you should just get the fuck out now because Ima bought to let the shit fly here.
Words do not offend me because I understand they are merely words. When I was very young I said shit at the dinner table and my Mom dragged me right to the bathroom and stuck a bar of Ivory Soap in between my mandibles. All 99 an 44/100 of it. Soap didn’t taste clean nor did it make my mouth feel clean. Actually it left a film, and never showed me the fucking err of my ways. I didn’t curse at my Mom but the soapy lesson was futile in keeping me from thinking fuck this!
My mom wanted me to understand that some words are bad. A little later I was helping my brother with his car and I broke some piece of shit little rod. Fuck man, if Mom had heard what he called me she would have needed an entire case of soap for his mouth. He let me know that I was a stupid mother fucking piece of shit asshole with shit for brains. And that was jut the opening line. But what struck me about all that profanity was that he never struck me. He didn’t even wail on my arm in that one spot where his fist has bull’s-eye radar for. I was shocked because for him punching me was more a form of communication, a greeting almost. Hey Buddy(WHACK) Hows it hanging(WHACK AGAIN). Same exact spot! Hitting me was as natural as yawning.
So I was feeling hurt inside my head but I wasn’t hurting outside my head. The massive profanity laden lashing he gave didn’t leave a single fucking bruise. I got it then. The words only hurt if you let them. Of course they were intended to dehumanize, deflate, degrade, and emasculate me but only in my brothers mind, not mine. I was almost tempted to smile at him and say “ Repeat that mother fucker, and Fuck You very much”. I also knew intuitively that if I used words incorrectly his fists would then handle the rest of the conversation. But I learned a lot about words that day.
The truth is words are only hurtful if you allow them to hurt. Maybe it’s a turn the other cheek thing. The concept of a spoken (or screamed) bastion of lingual symbols may make you feel bruised around the ego but if you just think (not out loud) “fuck this and fuck you, I fucking rock and you’re the asshole“, it’s a tad easier on the ego. The Id too! Profanity can be abused though. Use it to right to expresses great emotion and it can carry tremendous strength. He hit my arm, then my face and I was fucking pissed. That underscores and endorses how mad I was. But He fucking hit my fucking arm, then the scumbag fucking hit my god damn face. I was so mother fucking pissed I shit a fucking stone is overkill, and instead of the emotion it’s the profanity that becomes the focus.
Blaming words is fucked up. How did fuck become bad anyway? It’s a beautiful act. I do it as often as possible and you should too. Do you think it would be nicer to fornicate? If I said fornicate yourself is that mean? Who the fuck died and left the censorship police in charge of words? Fecal matter is okay but shit is a sin. You can say he showed her his penis but call it a cock and there will be hell to pay. Sounds like someone is being hypocritical! I won’t mention titles but it seems young boy molesters do a lot of telling people what they can or can’ say. George Carlin became the shit after he came up with the list of seven words you can’t say. I laughed my tits off. Which really isn’t a bad thing to say cause like George said, “Tit’s don’t even belong on the list.”
There are however two words I choose not to use. It’s a personal choice and I don’t believe the words are at fault, but society, at least by where I am. Society in general has turned both of those worst into concepts. The “C” word and the “N” word. First cunt. It has come to be a concept of severe degradation to women. The use of it implies that concept and unfortunately has become synonous with hatred toward females, and I love females. Calling a woman a cunt is a profound insult in my area and I just opt not to say it. The second, nigger, has also become a concept. Yea I get it, they can call each other that and its okay, but if you’re a white boy its not. That’s kinda sad, but its born out of anger and outrage. The term if spoken by me carries a concept of profound hatred of one race, a race which my ancestors treated less than human. Somewhere in my heritage its likely that an ancestor lynched a man because of the color of his skin. I am ashamed of that and I wish I could change it but I can’t. What I can do is make a conscience decision to not use the word.
So that’s it mother fuckers and father fuckers, I am done letting my shit fly. I am not a religious person, but I recognize that many are offended by profanity. Honestly I find way too many Christians to be all god is good, and love each other and shit but are the first ones to throw stones at strangers. But I don’t want to get political and I respect their belief (hypocritical or not) and attempt to refrain from using it in front of them. On the other hand, if I slip, fuck em. Suck it up asshole! I make an even stronger effort around kids because its their parents responsibility to explain the bullshit of censorship. That’s what its all about, censorship. Say or write what ever you choose, but have the integrity to own up to it. Accept responsibility for you words and who is hearing them. “Freedom of speech bears with it the responsibility of their intent”………………………….PEACE
The Savior Is Born (sort of)
COSMO AND THE GARDEN EARTH. Part 3
Jesus Christ Superstar Do You Think You’re Who They Say You Are
News. North East West South. Good news, bad news, happy news, sad news. There’s tragic news, welcome news, not so welcome news, news, news, news, all kinds of news. Some news has little or no effect on your life and some comes hurling at you accompanied by a ton of bricks. News can make you laugh, or cry, chuckle, or sigh, it can have little effect or it can have a dramatic effect. But its gonna come. News is coming toward you and there ain’t nothing you can do to stop it. Mary Anne’s news came on a speeding train out of control heading straight down the track with no one at the wheel. Like it or not, good or bad, news is a coming and you best be ready because once it gets there all you can do is take it. What makes it good or bad is how it‘s taken. “I have some news for you. You have a son.” That’s news all right! It’s the kind of news that’s incredible for some, indifferent for others, and tragic for many. It’s the kind of news that will have you running down the street screaming halleluiah I’m a parent or slam you headfirst into parenthood. “You have a son” is life altering news. “You have a son.” Cosmo had repeated the words over to himself more than ten times and he was still not sure how to take the news.
However we must keep in mind that Cosmo has always been rather resourceful. So this news of baby Jesus would not be taken lightly at all. First things first let it be known that the moment it sunk in Cosmo knew his responsibility to both Mary Anne and baby Jesus. As much as he loved his bachelorhood the thought of a solid lifestyle held a degree of appeal to Cosmo. On the other hand Cosmo was quite the lover and never had a problem finding a partner. Yet many a night was spent lonely watching his garden and Mary Anne would certainly be of interesting company. And she is quite skilled herself. The news was on the scale and the scale was tipping. The bottom line was he had a baby on the way and a responsibility to both the baby and the non god he had fallen in love with. Wait! Fallen in love? Maybe not fallen, more like stumbled but after all, he HAD created the fertile crescent while thinking of her beautiful hair (If indeed that was the body part he was thinking about). Maybe this news can be used for a positive effect on the three of them and the garden as well. A plan was also in an egg and ready to be hatched. Cosmo knew what to o with the news.
Of course the news is also going to be heard at a board meeting in District 7. The board is like the gravitational center of news. Whether it is gossip, entertainment, breaking, news or even just hearsay, all news that’s fit to print or printed to fit will find its way to District 7 in a flash. The best thing for Cosmo to do is to have his plan of action fully worked out before they summon him. Some mixed marriages have worked, a god and a non god can live a happy life but many a failure has been scandalized across the universe. With this plan however Cosmo was taking fatherhood to an unprecedented level . He had already sold it on his non god lover who had found herself in a awkward position of being the mother of a gods child. Ironically it was from twisting herself into an awkward position one pleasure soaked night that lead to the situation in the first place. For her part it was difficult to argue with a god to begin with. Mary Anne trusted Cosmo implicitly and his plan made sense. Truth be told she did have some reservations at first but after thinking the story through a few times it began to make more sense. Her son would be a savior, a Christ. Her son would be the messiah of Garden Earth. She repeated it to herself, “My son, Jesus Christ, Superstar.”
It was much easier to get the Boards okay than Cosmo had anticipated. Who knows, it could be his unending charm, it could be they loved the plan, maybe they were just tired of seeing him, or maybe they just wanted the messy scandal over and done without haste. Cosmo laid out in detail how he was going to offer his son as a virginal birth to be the son of Cosmo and help get the youmans to understand that they have strayed from the law of life, and had become a threat to the cycle. He would have a big hullabaloo when the child was born, have him disappear mysteriously while he learns how to teach the word of Cosmo. He will then spread the word of Cosmo and teach all the youmans about the cycle of life. Cosmo schemed to find the right woman to impregnate and fake it as a virginal birth. It would go down in youmans history as an immaculate conception and the child would be the son of Cosmo and spread the word. Mary Anne would raise their son Jesus and train him for his mission at the same time. They would stay at an undisclosed location in District 7 where Cosmo could visit on weekends. When Jesus was ready and the time was right he would switch out the child on earth with Jesus and he could bring the youmans back to the path of righteousness. Then he could switch the body doubled back and everything would be right once again. A pretty brilliant plan if everything goes as planned. If!
The very first problem arose rather early into the plan. Cosmo chose a nice Jewish couple from Nazareth in the city of Galilee. Joseph and Mary. He visited Mary while Joseph was away and worked his sexual magic on her for hours filling her with gallons of egg hungry swimming godsperms. He had Mary believe it was a dream, a very sweet dream, and she would be none the wiser. Of course she became pregnant right away but the snag was in the child she bore. It was a female and Mary named her Rosemary. So he had to make a second attempt after allowing Rosemary to get a few earth years in age. The second attempt was successful after eliminating the Y chromosomes from his body fluid. During the night in that session he told Mary he was an angel from the god Cosmo and that she would be giving birth to the son of a god and he would be the savior of the world. But in her dream she heard it as the son God, not the on of A god. When she woke she was even more confused (and satisfied) than the first dream. When she conveyed the story to Joseph he was very suspicious at first. “Wait, you’re telling me Mary that God had sex with you and you are carrying his baby? An angel told you to name him Jesus? Was it a Latino angel? And this happened while I was out of town?” Mary was struggling with it as well because the dream seemed so real, but eventually she was able to convince Joseph as well as herself. She told everyone that God has told her to have this immaculately conceived baby and that he was going to save the world. It was met with a cloud of doubt and cynicism, and rumblings of gossip abounded. But it was as she would find out, not only her cross to bear.
They were advised by some wise men, three of them actually, that it would be best for everyone if the birth not take place in town. Considering it good advice they opted to go to a friends farmhouse in Bethlehem. They had the plan all set and knew God would be lighting the way with a bright star which as it turns out was really a comet by the name Halley. They found a little manger outside the friends farmhouse and decided that it would be perfect. The baby was born, Mary named him Jesus as she had been instructed, and things were going along as planned for a change. The three wise dudes had a baby shower and brought some cool presents and announced to the world that a baby had been born, and that he was the son of God, and he would be baptized by John, a famous revivalist that held people under water until they agreed to repent. He would then be hidden as he learned the word of God in the wilderness with nothing but a rod and a small staff.
Terrapin - The Journey 