Spill The Wine, Dig That Pearl
(I need a miracle every day!)
Now Jesus had his core group set, Mary the repentant sinner always at his side (and then some), and his band of merry men strolling through the countryside giving motivational speeches and teaching classes on how to live the natural laws of life. They were becoming quite well known but they needed something big. Something really big. Something that would put him over the top and get him noticed globally. They needed a miracle! The bait and switch.?! That’ll work. There was a high profile wedding in town to which both he and his mother Mary were invited. It was a kick ass affair but the celebration had run out of Ernest and Julia’s jug whine. Jesus’ moms came to him and said “Honey, we’re all out of wine. This is our big chance Jee. Time to do something huge. Make your miracle my son.” Jesus was ready with eight gallons of wine hidden behind a tree, and spoke very loudly so all could hear what he was saying. “Simon, bring me some water. This party is not over. I‘ll make wine for everyone.” While his Mom created a distraction Jesus switched jugs and soon the party continued with all in attendance believing he had changed the water into wine. Jesus now had mad street cred’s. It was all anybody talked about for the next two weeks. “Did you hear about this guy Jesus? I heard he took a gallon of water and turned it into 40 gallons of preamo wine. An urban legend was forming and it got bigger as it grew. 40 turned into 60. 60 turned 100. Soon he not only turned water into wine but brought 10 huge pigs to BBQ. He carried them across the river! It was incredible. Everywhere you went you heard about some dude named Jesus, his hooker girlfriend, and his 12 faithful followers roaming the world feeding the poor, healing the sick, and stopping war. The towns and villages were abuzz with hope for their future. Everyone was elated. Well not really everyone. Remember that dude Herod, and the salad loving Caesar? They were none to happy. Neither were the hierarchy of the Jewish religion. Seems like Jesus was gonna have some problems with the Romans and the Jews. They didn’t like having their authority challenged. Something evil was afoot.
The camel shit hit the fan when the antichrist came to town. The who? The antichrist. Remember earth Jesus’ sister Rosemary? Well Rosemary claims her and “The Superbly Endowed Evil Dude” had a baby and his name is Lucifer. Lucifer the antichrist. Rosemary’s baby all grown up was challenging this righteous dude trying to make people feel god to a duel of apocalyptic proportions. A revelation of epic battle was here to upset the forbidden applecart. His first stop was with a Jewish high priest named Caiaphas.
Cosmo caught oracle like wind of this. He was profounly alarmed and arranged for Jesus to sneak away for a secret meeting and update. “Hey pops, how’s Mom?” Como hugged his son. “She is well J, she misses you a lot. How are things going in the garden?” Jesus shrugged his shoulders, “Well it’s not easy pops. I have my disciples and my family behind me, and some other follower but it’s going kinda slow. I pulled off a fake miracle and that got me a lot of new followers but I need to do something big. I gotta tell ya pops, for some reason they call you God, not Cosmo or a god, but God Almighty. They are scared shitless of you.” Cosmos eyes sparkled with a touch of pride, but he knew that he needed to stay on point. “Yes, yes, I see how they act. But we have bigger fish to fry here my son. Those people will come around. Here is the deal. I’m gonna help you and create some more of the miracle things that work. I’ll have you heal some lepers, help the poor, and let’s see….Walk on water! That’s great, you can walk on water. That should convince the doubtful that you are the real deal three course meal. Once they all believe in you all you need do is get them back on the path of live and let live an teach them how to live a good life co-existing with the rest of the living things in our garden.” Jesus gave it some deep thought. “Easier said than done Dad, but I’ll do my best. I think I have a few cards left up my sleeve.” Cosmo gave his son a stern glare, “Its not what’s up your sleeve that concerns me, its what’s in your pants. Which brings to mind son, what are your intentions with Miss Magdalene?” Now it was Jesus turn to glow with pride. “She’s a looker eh Dad? I think I may bring her back to the District some day. I really do like her, I’m not using her.” The glare sprung into a knowing man smile. “Just be careful boy, men have been known to do some pretty crazy shit for a woman.“ Jesus chuckled, “I hear ya Pops, she does this strange thing to me and wants me to’ Cosmo cut him off not wanting to hear about his sons sexual practices. “Never mind that Jesus, just make sure your decisions only come from your main head. Now get going, I’ll set up your miracles.” Cosmo described his plan. “Your disciples are on a boat fishing and the boat is stuck. When you get down there I will freeze the sea just long enough for you to walk out and save them in front of a big crowd. After that it’s up to you.”
Jesus went down to the sea and just as Cosmo had promised the disciples were stuck out on the water and a huge crowd had gathered by the shore. Judas cried out, “Jesus, help us!” The big J man closed his eyes and started walking, and true to his word his father froze the water beneath his feet with each step and gave the appearance of walking on top of the water. He grabbed the line of the boat and to the jaw dropping amazement and cantankerous cheers and applause he guided the boat to shore and saved the group of hapless following fishermen. A thunderous display of accolades followed and word spread very quickly. Soon everyone had heard of this dude who claims to be the son of God walking on water, and changing water into wine. With the hand of Cosmo as his guide he roamed the countryside with Mary and his band of merry men healing sick people and feeding poor. At one point the took one loaf of bread and fed twenty people, but by the time the story got out it had evolved into feeing thousands with only one loaf of bread. Jesus was rapidly becoming the most popular man on earth. People everywhere spoke of his good deeds, his teachings of tolerance, and his ability to convey Gods forgiveness to those in need. But not everyone was happy about all this pomp and circumstance. King Herod, and the emperor Caesar wanted nothing less than to have this guy Jesus killed. Caesar summoned one of his high priests and told him something must be done. As it turned out that high priest was none other than Caiaphas, who had become fast friends with Lucifer the anti-Christ. In private meetings of the Jewish high priests and the leaders of Rome they set about a plan to create a more permanent solution to their problem. Caiaphas spoke to the cabal, “What then to do about Jesus of Nazareth? Miracle wonderman, hero of fools. No riots, no armies, no fighting, no slogans, one thing I’ll say for him Jesus is cool.” Lucifer sneered and made a pfft sound. Caiaphas continued, “seriously guys, how shall we deal with him? Any suggestions?” Annas, the high priest of the newly formed Roman province spoke first, “My dear Caiaphas, I have a bag of silver and we have Lucifer right here with us. That dude Judas is strung out on opium and I feel he is vulnerable. What if we have Lucifer become his dealer and give him high grade shit and then raise the price drastically. We can force him to make a deal with the antichrist for a bag of silver and a supply of opium. We can not only get the 411 on what this Jesus fucker is doing, we can have Judas set him up.” Caiaphas smiled one of the biggest shit eating grins any had ever seen and replied, “
Annas, you are fucking brilliant. Lets go nail his ass to a cross!”