Tag: atheism

Samsung And Da-Liar pt2..(A Sick Bastards Bible Selection)

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Samson_Jawbone

A Lion In The Streets But A Wildcat In The Sheets

As a young adult Samsung was the strongest, smartest, and to hear the fair maidens tell it the most well hung man in town. He was being raised by Raven who harbored vengeance in her heart and did her best to fill Samsungs up with anger as well. It wasn’t enough that the ugly and smelly Philly-Steens imprisoned them but one of the church leaders, Mike Duggle-Ass often had Raven brought to his quarters against her will where he performed a variety of sex acts with her. He made her exchange oral pleasures over and over for hours at a time. Her only solace is in knowing she had given him throat cancer.
So it was much more than mere anger it quite literally went much deeper than that. Raven had Samsung trained with a Hattori Hanzo sword, sent him to Crouching Tiger Shulman’s Hidden Dragon Ninja Academy, and study Patton’s Home Correspondence Battle Training Course in his spare time. Raven had fashioned a skilled and very adept lean mean killing machine. His only weakness was being a man easily manipulated by his third leg.
Samsung was also very intelligent and graduated magma cum loudly of Canaanite U, majoring in telecommunications. (which at that time was the donkey express) He knew he would one day find a better solution to information gathering but first and foremost he must set out to avenge his people. He set out on his ass (The donkey) to find a way to free the Israelites, who have a predestined love of all things free. While traveling he met a Philly-Steen hottie named Semedar walking with her younger sister Da-Liar. After a fair amount of flirting with both ladies he got off his ass and gave Semedar his most charming eye flirt and said, “I think I’ll invent a new alphabet so I can put U and I together.” Obviously just as smitten the sultry Semedar smiled seductively, gently traced her finger down his chest barely brushing her hand across his groin and answered, “Why don’t you just put the U in Me instead.” She parted her thick lips ever so suggestively and allowed her pink moist tongue to reveal her intention.
Sparks flew. No literally, I mean real sparks were coming from Samsungs cellular region as it rose to the occasion instantly. His LAN was on fire and Semedar was the server of choice. His sexual wiring was shorting out sending messages everywhere. The sultry and very horny Semedar gave her sister Da-Liar ten bucks and sent her off to town so the two hopeful lovers could allow the sparks to bring each other to a satisfying conclusion.
The two lovers found a perfect spot in the forest and went at it with all the energy his mother and biological father had on that fateful night on which he was conceived. The huffed and puffed and puffed and huffed and each brought new and exciting techniques to the sensual explosion. When they were finished the ridiculously satisfied Samsung couldn’t stop singing her praises and asked her right there on the G spot if she would marry him. Nary a second of hesitation wasted the beautiful Semedar still feeling the warm blood flow everywhere accepted his vow of love and sealed it with a slurp. The two became engaged and made love once more to celebrate. Now the hard part, time to tell both families about the unity of an Israelite and a Philly-Steen.
Raven and Manoah were extremely unhappy with the news and Raven warned Samsung that consorting with the Philly-Steens would bring him only heartache an displeasure. Pleasure was the reason Samsung had become betrothed to begin with so he cleverly convinced her it was part of the higher powers plan for him to marry the sexy Philly-Steen. He announced that his intentions were as stiff as his……never mind, his intention was solid. Being a Nazirite he felt compelled to ask Semedar’s father for her hand in marriage and he set off to do just that.
He jumped on his ass (donkey again) and headed out as fast as the stubborn burro would bounce. Two hours and two days later the ass lazily limped to a clearing just outside of Boldface, the town of his sultry fiancé. There he would practice what he would say when he met Semedars father Bob Barian. Bob Barian was actually Semedars step father who was a warped, frustrated old man. He lost the sight of his right eye during a battle with the Huns when Attila himself reached into Bob Barians eye socket, yanked out his eyeball threw it at Bobs feet saying “You see where you stand?“ before laughing and squishing it into the ground. Not a single one of his slaves lifted a hand to help him and many even snickered and made Cyclops jokes. He became a more ruthless and vindictive slave-owner after that and he was all too aware that a stinking Israelite was on the way to ask for his daughters hand thanks to a heads up from his daughter Da-Liar. Bob Barian was even less enthusiastic about the union than Raven was. In an attempt to avoid having the entire race of Philly-Steens making him the laughing stock of the Fertile Crescent for being a slaves father in law he bought a lion from the Coliseum of Rome to slay the hapless Hebrew. He got a good rate on an aging lion that had killed over 50 Christians which had acquired quite a reputation. It was said the old but fierce feline had not a sliver of fear or humility. In fact the carnivorous cat had swallowed his pride, each and every member. He turned the bloodthirsty lion loose in the path where Samsung would surely be and assumed that would be the last he would hear of the Israelite again..
Samsung rested in the clearing because his ass was sore.(the donkey again) It was tired from all the walking and in pain so they stopped to give his asses a rest. His thoughts wandered to the sexually charged encounter he and Semedar had and the ones they would have in the future and the only thing on his mind now was copulation. His hand involuntarily began a soothing feel good massage as he day dreamed about his carnal desires when a strange noise broke his concentration. First he heard the gentle rustling of leaves but it was followed quickly by a loud ferocious roar. He remove his hand from his loincloth in alarm. A lion attack? Holy shit! His first inclination was to get his ass outta there (this time his!) There wasn’t enough time because old as the lion was it still had a lot of zip in its hip and came charging at Samsung with killing in it’s eyes and heart. Samsung having to react quickly grabbed his ass by its jawbone (you figure it out) and ripped it clean off its head. He then took that old jawbone and cracked it across the head of the charging cat killing it in one swift chop. The adrenalin rush from the fear compounded from his daily steroid shot was still raging and he tore the lion apart with his bare hands.
I wish you could have seen the face of Bob Barian go from smirking smile to frightened shock as he witnessed Samsung toss the gruesome shredded carcass at his feet. Eyes still wild and bugging out of his head Samsung looked Bobby Boy directly in his good eye and said, “I came here to ask you for your daughters hand in marriage but now with this lion carcass as a show of my worthiness I will insist we marry and our love will bond!” Shaken but not stirred the mean mister Barian agreed immediately. He would have agreed to just about anything at that point with Samsung staring at his good eye with wild rage and lions blood still dripping from his hands. There was little he could do the marriage was set. De-Liar had also witnessed the incident with a tingling in her slightly damp groin paying particular notice of how Sammy bulged as well. Instinctively she knew what his weakest link was, or at least she thought she did. To herself she mumbled, “One day Sammy boy, I will use that divine rod to coax you away from my bitch sister and you‘ll moisten only my lips. (your choice)
The wedding was epic. Israelites in formal chains on the grooms side, all the ostentatious Philly-Steens on the brides side. Senedar had 30 groomsmen who took care of her wardrobe and make up. Samsung decided to tease them thinking them to be stupid gay Philly-Steens. “If any among you can figure out my riddle, I shall give you a fine Italian suit in the color of your choice.” The groomsmen were all fashionista’s so of course were intrigued. Samsung had no intention of allowing them to figure out his riddle.” If two Roman chariots collided on the border of England and Persia in which country would survivors be buried?” The slow witted groomsmen scratched their heads and struggled for hours in moral and ethic debates and the legal ramifications of responsibility not a single one realizing the easy answer. Da-Liar knew the answer and told the groomsmen that survivors don’t get buried on the condition they tell him Semedar gave them the solution. Each one went to Samsung and answered his riddle demanding a tailored suit from Italy. Infuriated Samsung promised he would fulfill his obligation in a week. He asked them how they figured it out and as promised they told him Semedar had given them the answer. Samsung was crushed by the betrayal.
For the first time the sex between Samsung and Senedar was unsatisfying because only one of Sams heads was into it. He was clearly pre occupied but lied that he was only deciding where to get the 30 suits. His pain turned to anger over her revealing the answer to the groomsmen putting him in such a shitty position. Semedar was sexually frustrated and unsatisfied too so as soon as Samsung left to get the suits she snuck into the bedroom of her secret lovers. Yes that’s right, its not a typo this time, she had multiple lovers. She slept with four of her Philly-Steen neighbors getting attention from all four simultaneously. Da-Liar promised she would warn Semedar if her new husband came home so the fivesome went at it with unequalled enthusiasm. Reverse cowgirl, motor boating, jack hammering, the ninja vacuum, the bus ride, they even Sutra’d the Kama out of each other one chapter at a time. The moans and groans could be heard throughout the entire hall.

Totally unaware of his back stabbing brides infidelity Samsung set out to keep his promise. He decided to kill two birds with one stone so he went into town and found 30 well dressed Philly-Steens who he easily slaughtered then took their clothing. He went back to Semedars home three days earlier than expected with the dead men’s suits and dropped them off. He explained to he couldn’t get a plaid suit because dead men don’t wear plaid and none of the contributors wore pink suits. It was as if he were bragging about something. He dropped off all the suits, many of which still had blood stains on them. Then as he walked down the hall he saw Da-Liar who stopped him and whispered, “I love my sister but I can’t bear to see this happen to you. I’m sorry Samsung but she’s in the room at the end of the hall. That’s when he heard the familiar sounding moans. “Semedar?” Samsung broke into the bedroom finding his bride in what could only be described as the final scene from the popular porno flick “Romancing The Bone.” Four Philly-Steen men simultaneously pleasuring his wife in one place or another.(The ear thing was kinda creepy) He grabbed his sword and cut off all eight of the four men’s heads turning to Semedar, “I think I’ll be going back home now. I’ve murdered enough stinking Philly-Steens for one day.” He left her stunned in a room full of bloody body parts while Da-Liar secretly watched it all unfold with a smile.
Samsung went home to his Mom and Dad crying. Raven wanted badly to say “I told you so”, but opted to wait for another time. She made him a pot of chicken soup and enhanced it with more steroids than usual because “He looks like he hasn’t ha a roid in weeks” as she would put it. Things were not so hunky dory in Philly-Steen either. A warrant for Samsung was put out with a reward if taken alive. King Davey wanted to make a hard work slave of the murderous Israelite would be savior. He would employ any means necessary including using Da-Liar. He wanted Samsungs battery completely drained at any cost. Samsung had a price on his head.

Samsung and Da-Liar (A sick bastards bible selection)

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

s&d

Part 1

So the Israelites were really screwing up and the guy in charge was pissed. Not just casually pissed, but royally and unconditionally pissed off. The kind of pissed that goes way beyond the Thunderdome. Mad to the Max! Those ungrateful shits had to be punished so the apparition of an entity above decided they should become the slaves of the Steens of Philadelphia, better known as the Philly-Steens. The Philly-Steens were a formidable religious group who worshipped Baal and were enemies of Israelites They were ruled by King Davey Jones, a monarch that profited greatly through the use of slaves. The poor Israelites had no where to turn so they began to pray to the dude almighty who sat high above everyone. Or was that he sat above everyone while high? Whatev, they were desperate so they began to pray relentlessly.
“Please almighty authority figure, we know we fucked up big time but this king and his bitch are running us ragged and not giving us anything at all. The only feeding they do is to the lions like some damn Roman Emperor or something. We promise we will never again eat bacon and we will pray only to you the great and powerful wizard of God. You saved us once before and led us here and promised us freedom. Of course we walked and fought for years and years but when we finally got to the city of Jerum we were tired. One little fuck up and BAM, you enslave us to these Steens.” The big guy listened to this same thing day after day after day until he could take it no longer. “Okay, okay you relentless ungrateful bastards enough already. Yes you fucked up and I expect you to take your punishment like men. But noooo, you guys are always so damn whiny. Well I’m not gonna just set your asses free like that but here’s what I will do for you lazy ass mofo‘s. I will impregnate one of your ladies with a child who will grow up strong and single handedly not only destroy the Philly-Steens, but come up with a cell phone that will rival the forbidden Apple. This way I still get to watch you suffer for a while to ensure that next time I give you a command you follow it! Just please, please, please stop with your damn prayers every day, give it a rest once in a while.” With that the unseen ruler of all things ironically disappeared. Not totally stoked but happy to have something they took solace and went home to wait.
It didn’t take long at all. That is it didn’t take long for him to choose which maid he would fill to the brim with divine potent power sperm. It was in the suburb of Galaxy he went to fornicate himself up a child who would grow up to defeat the Philly-Steens and free his people once again. Wasn’t much of a surprise to anyone that he chose Manoah’s wife Raven as his sex partner and child begetter. As her name suggests Raven had dark inviting eyes and a beautiful flawless face surrounded by thick and luxurious onyx black hair. Without a hint of self consciousness she proudly wore low cut dresses giving more than a glimpse of her firm oversized breasts. These magnificent globes had eye magnets which drew every mans and most of the women’s eyes directly down to them. The large tantalizing breasts took to bouncing playfully and seductively all over town. It was rumored they could skip rope double dutch while drinking Dos Equis. They were real, and they were spectacular.
It took all the willpower this god had to keep from pre maturely spilling out his super-sperm over himself as he salaciously drooled over her erotic and exotic body. The long slit up her tight fitting dress revealed very sexy legs with perfectly formed calves ready for slaughter. Thighs smooth and svelte she had sensual legs that just wouldn’t quit. Her hips DID lie but everyone believed whatever they said. Manoah was the envy of every horny mammal within a hundred mile radius. The almighty spirit took Raven inside his lair and the two went at it all night long as Manoah moped in dejected silence. So seductive and skilled was she that the entire town could bear witness to Jehovah being heard screaming over and over, “Oh my fucking Raven!!” He had his rod and staff comforted in her loins thrice and left so much godsperm inside Ravens body remnants of the mighty swimming life-forces oozed out of every orifice they could find including a number of hair follicles. Some of the over zealous sperm cells even went airborne. There would be no doubt that Raven would be giving birth to a half human, half god child from this evening and they would name him Samsung.
Before leaving the satisfied Raven and the slightly pissed off Manoah the smiling Lord of Lumber instructed Raven to never consume alcohol again and if they wanted to be free they must promise to raise their son as a Nazirite. As a Nazirite he must follow a few simple rules. First, no alcohol, grapes, or vinegar, second never visit a grave or come in contact with a corpse, and lastly he was not allowed to cut his hair. In addition to these strange rules he had to follow a strict work out regimen and praise and obey the one and only true god. (Of which there were many to choose from).Manoah and Raven were to feed him a steady supply of protein drinks and steroids and were instructed to bring up the child with a regimen of intense exercise, combat training, and healthy eating habits. This handsome god/man would grow to be the strong and stealth warrior of the Israelites that was seduced and betrayed by a sexy Philly-Steen hussy. This then is where the legend known as Samsung of Galaxy and Da-Liar of Boldface begins.

The Story Of Everything, Final Frontier

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

So This Is The Promised Land? Oy Vey, Its So Small

The basic plan was to head into the promised land and kick the shit out of everyone and everything along the way. Early battles with the various tribes of Amorites were just tune up struggles to get into shape for the big battles. After losing quite a few Israelite warriors Joshua decided strategy was their best strength. He would lead troops into the castle of his nemesis Jerry Coe. The strategy he employed was absolute brilliance. He took his army of weary warriors and instead of attacking he marched them around the walls of Jerry Coe’s city for seven days. The people inside watched this mock parade with amusement and bewilderment. In Jerry Coe’s office he sat with his military advisors. “What the fuck are the Juice doing? They have been walking around the wall of my city for days now. Just carrying on around in circles. Should we attack them?” The question was directed at his general, Shah Bashin-Dareheads, first cousin of Caligula. “Well I’ll tellya Jer, if it were up to me I would shoot them all. The only problem is ole Sol here says we have no legal precedent to go by. They haven’t broken any laws.” As they struggled to figure out what to do, ole Sol had an idea. “Hey, you know what guys? We could bust them for not having a parade permit.” Jubilation filled the room as they all schemed to go out an arrest them starting with that bothersome shit Joshua. The jubilation was premature because as they were filling out the proper paperwork, the walls of the city began to collapse with them smack dab in the center. Apparently the Juice were not only marching around but two spy juice had planted explosive devices at strategic locations. While the city was looking on in that bewilderment of theirs the juice spies had been sneaking around setting them up for the explosion. For good measure, Joshua burned down the entire city with everyone in it. Everyone will know who we are now, he boasted! “how so you like me now Jerry Coe?”
That was his brilliant strategy, the roast and boast. Once they tore the walls down it would be straight for Jerusalem. Here was their final frontier, their patch of promised land to keep forever. Years of wandering the deserts, crossing numerous rivers, engaging in hundreds of fatal battles, through gallons of blood sweat and tears the Juice had come to this. Jerusalem, the city of Pea‘s.. The promised land where they could set up their own little Utopia. It was here in this city that Joshua sent word to the Canaanites that this was the land promised them from Yehaw. Not long after the disdainful laughter of the Canaanite began Joshua’s tired yet inspired soldiers attacked and defeated the laughing fools of the city and claimed it for themselves. This then was where they would set up shop. A new city in the cradle of civilization that would forever be remembered and forever be the source of the most disputed piece of realty in history.
So that’s it, that’s my twisted tale of the story of everything. It was my intent to offend everyone possible and I attempted to do it both frequently and relentlessly. If your religion was not offended I apologize. I meant to leave no religion at all to be un-mocked and I tried to blanket many of them because I’m just to fucking lazy to research every friggen religion in the world. Anyway, hope you enjoyed my tale of The Story of Everything and feel free to pass it along from generation to generation. Who knows, two thousand years from now this may be found by aliens and considered Yehaw’s gospel truth. Peace.

Closure For Bigots (Closure Mouths)

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Closure? Yea Okay, I Got Your Closure Right Here!!
There are two groups of bigots I think need closure. First up Political propagandists. Its the new hot button exploited on social medias turning friends into enemies, and allowing too many people to flaunt their ignorance. I’m not talking about people who decide how they feel about an issue based on the merits of the issue. Be proud if you use your own opinion. I’m talking about the ones that take a stand based solely on the fact that its part of either a democratic or republican platform. Then they scour the internet in search of something clever that sounds like what they would say if they had an ounce of creativity in them and post it so the world can see how narrow minded they can truly be. They don’t need to debate because they made their mind up that they are right and nothing will change it. Not even truth.
I mean Jeez man, some people are still talking trash about Clinton, or Regan. That shits long over with man time to deal with today’s issues. Oh my Toto I don’t think we’re in Viet Nam anymore! People screaming about their second amendment rights based solely on the fact that someone who profits by spewing misinformation to ignite fear an anger said Obama is trying to take away our guns. WTF? It comes down to some paperwork to fill out to hopefully limit ownership to responsible users its not an assault on your right to bear arms. Sorta like licenses, registrations, that sort of thing, you know a small inconvenience on your right to drive a car.
If you have issue with something after seriously analyzing all the components fine, then it can be debated. But if you already have your mind made up because you thought someone who exploits fear for a living said something that sounds like it makes sense, try thinking for yourself. A closed mind can’t reason only an open mind can. That sort of closed mined thinking is nothing short of bigotry. Please don’t take a stand because you don’t like a conservative, or a liberal, or because the president is black. Wait what? Black? Surely you think people don’t make choices based on skin color in this ay and age? Think again, racism is just as strong as ever. Political bigots have a field day with Obama because he’s not only liberal, he’s black. If he were a gay woman on top of it they would have the support of the entire bigot nation. No, not everyone who disagrees with Obama does so based on the color of his skin but make no mistake racism is alive an thriving. Even in the country that considers itself so culturally advanced as America. I see mixed race couple in the UK very often and its just as natural as can be but in many areas of America its still viewed a an anomaly an frowned upon. If we’re not careful we could become a society of haters. I hear about gay bashing on a regular basis. When I look at the evidence I don’t see America as such an advanced society, at least not culturally. Whether you’re willing to admit it or not the president has many haters based solely on the fact that he’s black. You can tell who they are, their the ones that say “I’m not racist or anything, but…….” Yea, okay! Disagree with him all you want, but you gotta respect the guy, he’s the prez for gods sake. Which brings me to number two, religion.
You love your religion and you practice it with fervor. Good for you, I applaud that. In fact I do too. I love being an existentialist and I’m very proud of it. Know what I like most about it? Being an existentialist does not require me to try and turn everyone else into one. You won’t see me going door to door to spread the word of existing. I recently heard someone say being a Christian its his duty to spread Christianity. Duty? The entire world needs to convert? Didn’t the Romans try that before they fell? What happened to freedom of religion my patriotic Christian pushing friends? Forcing your beliefs on others isn’t freedom. They preach love one another but not if you’re gay, Muslim, or refuse to thank god for everything in the world. If you’re gay or Muslim you are an abomination. Harsh word for someone who preaches love. Onward christian soldier? Really? Like soldiers they invade a territory they have no business being in to force their beliefs on its tribal peoples. WTF? They scream when one of their “Mercenaries” is captured and expect us to do something about it. What gives any religion the right to force its tenets on anyone else?
Look, I have mad respect for people who believe strongly in their religions. But it’s their religion and its hypocritical to force your belief on anyone else. I have studied many religions alongside people that practice them and it all fascinates me. In the end I choose what to believe so respect my belief if you want me to respect yours. You like to pray? Pray to your hearts content. You want to praise your lord? Go for it. Sing his songs, love the tenets, practice the tenets. But to those who feel they need to come to my door and tell me I don’t know the truth, to those who feel its their duty to alter me to believe the same thing they believe, to those who feel indoctrination of innocent cultures is an acceptable practice, Closure mouth!
That’s right, that’s what those people need, to close their mouths. Political bigots and religious bigots need to shut the fuck up and let people be who they are. Accept them for that and then and only then will you achieve spiritual truth. As long as there is hate in your faith or your politics you are doomed to die a bigot. Using fear tactics to tell me the country is going to be annihilated because I’m ignorant and have been brainwashed by the liberals. Which who gives a fuck anyway because I’m going straight to hell because I’m not a christian. All of you hate filled bigots, heres your closure….Closure mouths unless you have something positive to add to life. Its time for us to make a paradigm shift in the way we think, all of us. Listen to the words of a Rastafarian….”Say you just can’t live that negative way, if ya know what I mean….Make way, for a positive day, cuz it’s a new day, new time, and it’s a new feeling, oh what a new day.” PEACE

Is That A Bazooka In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To Invade My Country?

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

War Makes Me Sick
War is a concept of death and destruction that exists so we can exist. Peace is a more desirable concept idealistically but war is essential to human existence for a number of reasons. War lowers populations and creates a plethora of jobs both during the battles and afterwards to rebuild the area’s destroyed. Some say its an economic boost, that’s for the experts but it does level the job hunting fields. War also forces us into making faster technological advances like GPS and drones. Most importantly it pretty much guarantees that our planet will be destroyed forcing us to look for multi planet alternatives, which we will nee eventually anyway. It also serves an ego-maniacal need. War helps asshole leaders overcompensate for their own diminutive sexual weapons by building bigger cannons, bazookas, and missiles.
Its no coincidence that they forge weaponry in the shape of a penis because the country with the biggest dicks in charge are usually the winners. War is historically waged between Alfa male leaders of countries they rule like sheep. They hoist their flags on the largest phallic poles they can find, and it always come down to who can still get it up after the battles are over. The flag that is. The alpha that gets his pole to stand highest in the end wins. Then they can parade their big flags and wave it in everyone else’s face. Of course they don’t do the actual sacrificing, they enlist the use of the less fortunate to lay their lives down. But that helps eliminate poverty so what the fuck, lets kill the poor. That way the leaders will be more than happy to brag about the sacrifices made and condemn any who don’t beam with pride as they wave that big flag someone else defended for in the name of freeom.
Bottom line is that war is a paradox that destroys families, generations, and countries, and spreads diseases. This brings me to my another point about war and human beings. The very second we’re born we are engaged in a war of microorganisms. Today I am suffering from a nasty cold. My head aches, my nose is runny, sore throat, fatigue, the works. Basically I feel like shit. In truth I cannot in good conscience attest to how shit may actually feel but I would guess having to be shit in and of itself would suck big time and that’s how I feel today. Why? Because there is a major war being fought inside my body. Your body is wonderland. A wonderland of microscopic battlefields.
From the day I was born troops set up inside my body and prepared for battle. My immune system employs a defense system poised for attack because relentless microbial warriors strive vigorously to destroy me via viral warfare. These warriors are so advanced they have learned how to mutate to look like the harmless germs in an attempt to sneak in unnoticed. They are able to unscramble complex codes my immune system has in place and enter further into my system to wage assaults on my lungs, my sinus cavities, and if permitted they will enter the hemoglobin hemisphere and cause extreme damage. I can fight this because I adopted my mothers immune system when I was born. The very second my chord was severed and I was on my own hundreds of thousands of micro-organisms began looking for a biologic bivouac in which to wave their tiniest of tiny flags. Just my luck a host of overcompensating microbes looking to impress. That’s why my Mom equipped me with her with anti-bodies, so when these aggressive nano dicks begin their assault on my newborn biological battlefield I could counter attack with a swift and certain response. But the biological war wage on without end and one day this week the bastards planned a sneak attack and sucker punched my ass good!
I have always been a man of peace, believed in the doctrines of Saint John Lennon and Saint Robert Marley and despite my size (no not my flag, I mean my actual size, 6’4”) I don’t believe in violence. And despite the fact I believe war is a necessary function of survival I will not now and would never have engaged in a war myself. I am an existentialist and as such believe in the live and let live law of nature, not the follow me or die laws of organized religion which in truth is the main instigator of wars. I am however taking up arms against the current war, or conflict if we are being literal, inside my body. I’m enlisting some mercenaries to fight the good fight in the form of either Zicam, Robitussin, or Mucinex… War really is unhealthy for children and other living things…….PEACE

You Say You Want A Revelation, We All Want To End The World

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

7trumpets

The last one picked is the one no one wants on the team. Revelations was the last one picked for the Bible and I have to wonder why. Too fat, too slow, or too uncoordinated? Maybe it jut flat out sucks!? Of course there’s only one way to find out. Investigation. So here it comes the Christian Search Investigators. The CSI-Bible to find the DNA and other forensic tidbits. Maybe even trace elements like epithelia’s, fingerprints, or secret documents to uncover the truth behind the end of all things. Except gods inner circle of course.
The main players in this tale of apocalyptic reckoning are somewhat questionable. Written by John of pathological, it includes the four headless horsemen of Sleepy Hollow, the Liar of Judah, angels, trumpeters, the beast, a dragon, a false prophet, an arched angel, and of course no bible story would be complete without a whore, this one straight outta Babylon.
The book of revelations is somewhat difficult to tell because its told in some unusual circumstances. The story was revealed to this dude John, who was locked up in prison in Pathos. He was a prolific writer who had already had a number of stories published in the New Testament. A few under the epistle category, and a gospel song called Psalm 43 (The P has the right to remain silent). Many religious scholars say it was actually 3 different Johns but if I get into bible discrepancies I’ll never get to this story. The truth is that John had a visitor in jail.. (looked alarming similar to Mary Magdalene though she denied it. Three times.) This visitor had placed a very powerful tab or two of LSD (legal at that time) in her mouth and transferred it to Johns mouth in a disgusting public display of spit swapping. A face sucking, tongue tango, snog toggle, French kiss whose true purpose was to exchange the hallucinogenic treat. When John got back to his cell, and after his bulge subsided (Really don’t drop the soap now!!) he was visited and told a story by god. I had a similar reverse episode once, after ingesting a chemical mind tickler I learned that god took some acid and saw me! Another day.
So during his intense peeking (I think that’s what people on acid trips call it when the trip hit’s a crescendo. I think!), that was when god suddenly said to John, “Dude, you wanna hear about the future of mankind?” Stupid question, of course he did. He was tripping after all. So this story was how John best remembered the telling some 18 hours after the acid wore off. That’s some powerful shit there! This is the book of Reservations. Reverberation. Revolution. ….Sorry, The Book of Revelations!
Here it is in his very own paraphrased words as he told it to me one day back in the late 60’s:
“So Mary and I kissed and I could feel two tabs of something on her tongue. Yea I know she said it wasn’t her but she just didn’t want to end up on the front page of the Abraham Inquirer. An let me tell you the J-man was one lucky Jew she was one helluva kisser. Anyway She tells me to swallow, something you don’t normally wanna hear in prison, so I swallows the tab. Then she tells me I just took two tabs of Blue Cheer acid. Man I was stoked. I smiled all the way back to my cell knowing what was coming. I got to my cell and laid down on my stone cot. After about a half hour I hear this voice. I sit up an look around but there ain’t no one there. So I lays back down when the voice comes back, this time calling me by name. So I shout who’s that, who’s there? And the voice says ‘Its me John, God.’ Now I’m thinking it must be the acid kickin’ in right? I mean the voice was like soft and almost girly. Not the powerful deep voice you’d think God would have but he insists. ‘Really John, its me God’ Then he steps out from the shadows and sure enough it is God. Amazing how much Jesus looked like him. Spittin’ image. What else could I do? I sez, whats up God?”
“He walks through the bars, I mean right through, like they wasn’t even there. Then he sez, ‘John, I want to tell you a story. I want you to write it down and make sure everyone reads it.’ I sez to him, you mean like a bestseller or something? To which he replies, ‘yea, something like that. But first try and get the story into the bible, because this is the story of the beginning and the end.’ Now I’m really thinking the acid is kicking in but I sez yea sure and he continues”
“When I first created everything I had seven arch angels to watch over heaven and protect it. Six of these arches were cool, but one arch angel was just a real pain in the ass. Has to do everything his way and wouldn’t follow directions. Finally one day I caught him in bed with Gabriel’s teenage daughter and that was the last straw. I tossed his ass out and straight down to earth along with one third of the questionable residents of heaven. He went down to earth with them and they formed a gang calling themselves the Crypts. He goes to the garden of Eden and begins recruiting humans for his gang. So I had Gabriel, a very trusted angel form a gang up here because I knew there would someday be a major showdown. He formed the Bloods of my blood, after my sons prophecy. We call them the Bloods for short, and it created a rivalry that would be the mother of all rivalries. Good vs. Evil, Bloods vs. Crypts. One day we would have our gang lords get together for an epic showdown. This showdown will be called The Rapture.”
“Now I’m still tripping but I know this shit is real so I keep scraping away on my stones getting down his words so I could one day write the book for him.Being an ancient journalist of course I had questions, so I asks him to explain to me how this Rapture thing is gonna go down. Then something happens that may sound like a fairy tale or a hallucination. He floats up to the ceiling an sez come on up John it will be easier if I show you”
Now I’m flipping ya know? I’m like how the fuck am I supposed to get up there, but before I even thought about a strategy I was lifted off my feet and floating right next to him. Honest to god, from Gods mouth to my ear he whispers, ‘Watch this. These guys can really stir it up’ A light went on and I swear to you it looked like a giant flat screen TV in HD. The images seemed so real. There was a stage with seven muicians. Al Hirt,Loius Armstrong,Wynton Marsalas, Miles Davis,Chuck Mangione,Maynard Fererson, and Dizzy Gillespie. Not just ordinary musicians each stood with a trumpet in their hands. The seven Trumpeters. They jammed for about an hour and that’s when the real show started!”
“As the story unfolded God narrated over it. The stage floated up to the corner of the screen and the image of earth came up below it. Al Hirt stepped forward and God whipered, ‘the first trumpet’. Al blew a fast riff and out of his trumpet spewed balls of hail and fire down onto the earth. In an instant there was a split screen and on the right I could see cities getting bombarded with hail and burning meteors. Devestation was everywhere. Then Satchmo came out and blew towards earth, and every volcano on earth erupted simultaneously filling the oceans with ash so thick it looked like a sea of mud.’ second trumpet.’ Next it was Wynton and he blew into all the rivers of the earth turning all the water everywhere bitter. ‘third, and here comes number 4’, Miles come out and blows toward the southern hemisphere and freezes it entirely. I was freaking. On the split screen people everywhere running in circles, slipping on ice, not having a clue what was happening. Then Chuck and Maynard come out together and blow sulpher and marijuana smoke all over earth, getting the humans high and making it stink like shit. Finally Dizzy comes out and starts blowing opium, making not only him, but every human dizzy. Even Miss Lizzie!”
“Well now I’m thinking what was the point, everyone gonna die, but its like the big guy can read my mind. ‘You’re wondering why right?’ I shakes my head and he sez ‘I needed to piss off Satan and the Crypts.Get ready because now is when the real fun begins. Now The Bloods of my blood and the Crypts are gonna wage an all out war back in the little town of Armegedeon. For this I am switching to Imax, cuz this shit is way sick.’ My eyes are already bugging out and now it Technicolor. Brilliant images on the screen of an area that looked like Mordor. Maybe the only place on earth not frozen or scorched. This was where they was gonna wage the final battle of all time. I pinched myself to see if it was real.” John was getting antsy and says wait, I forgot to tell you about the Seven Trained Seals. I need to tell you about that before I go on.” At this point John looked a little uneasy so he requested a ten minute break and diaapeared. (TBC)

The Copperfield Christ

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Forward

Lucifer, Beelzebub, The Antichrist, Fallen Angel, Prince of Darkness, Ozzie Osborne, whatever name he goes by he is the devilish serpent in charge of all things evil. Satan is one bad ass Samuel Jackson. He’s the Mothah of all fuckahs and he will strike down upon thee with GREAT vengeance. Essentially Satan is the dark angel of everything fun. Wait! I mean evil, yea that’s it, evil! Satan wants us doing nothing but eating forbidden fruits all day and night. But not God! Oh no, God is good God is great. He’s our lord god in heaven. Blessed are the meek, the lord is my shepherd I shall not want. This is the sort of crap I was taught as a kid anyway, before I uncovered Godgate, The great god Swindle. It’s a scandal of biblical proportions making Noah’s soggy story more like a three hour tour ending up on an uncharted dessert isle. The truth took some serious feather ruffling and that don’t fly with me. It started before the birth of Jesus and continued until the truth became so blurry they should give Claritin instead of wafers at communion. How did I get there?
Like most kids I was raised to believe unconditionally and to never question authority. Besides questioning why was unfulfilling and always ended up in the same old cul e sac. “Because I said so!” Please that’s the best you got? WTF? There isn’t a Vulcan worth their pointed ears that could find a nano sliver of logic in this ridiculous answer! Fascinating! Seriously, it has no empirical value and is tediously rhetoric. It’s an answer that defied challenge for one reason. I was unable to respond it because “that’s just the way it is and I could like it or lump it.” It‘s the law! I grew up I learned a lot about laws. How to bend, break, twist, and get around them. I also learned that not obeying laws can have consequences. Bad consequences, like incarceration or fines. Then one day I heard someone mistakenly say, “Laws are made to be broken.” Epiphany.
I wondered why laws were created in the first place? Laws of the people and for the people to keep the “authorities” in control. Laws were made after someone did something authorities didn’t like. Yea,yea, I hear you, laws are the framework of a civilized society, to protect people from those who may take advantage of others and shit. But who is making those laws and more disconcerting who is making sure the laws are being followed by the ones who made them? Laws by nature are bathed in hypocrisy. It’s illegal to steal from another human being, but its okay for some humans to steal gestating babies from chickens. Stealing eggs and selling them is okay. A stretch I agree, but fundamentally we allow some humans to make money stealing from animals, capturing them and raising them for anything from shoes to coats to dinner or to lab experiments. That however is a different fight. My focus today are laws.
There’s a mysterious group of humans known only to us as “They.” They say it may rain, they say you only live once, they say you can’t take it with you, they care about you, they paved paradise and put up a parking lot. “They” are in charge, and “They” make the laws. They make them because we don’t know how to live life fairly. They decide what the proper punishment should be for our crimes. They do this for our own good. They sound so…..parental!
I was born with a rebel spirit and I had a problem with authority from the start. When Mom told me alcohol was bad I started drinking, when she told me marijuana would lead to heroin I smoked pot, when she told me masturbating would make me go blind I…….. lets just say I have first hand experience in the art of self autoeroticism and I still have 20/20 vision. Rebel spirit caused me to question everything. EVERYTHING! Mom forced me to attend Sunday School, and one day I was cutting out with a friend to smoke cigarettes behind some trees. We got to talking about all the fun we were missing out on and it came around to old Lucifer. Why is Satan portrayed as evil and horrible if he insists we do things that make us feel good? Satan encourages sex and god forbids it if his conditions are not met. Unmarried sex is forbidden. Sex between members of the same sex is forbidden. Why would God make sex feel so fucking good and then forbid us to do it how we like? Not having sex can make horny teen boys unpredictable and stress them out making them violent. What’s the point of dangling a carrot (phallic symbol alert) in front of the horses mouth? Why make it a sin to do things that feel so good. The big guy talked to Moses disguised as a burning bush (another symbol alert). Then he laid down some laws. A few were more common sense than laws like don’t steal or kill people, but others a tad vague. I’m not allowed to covet my neighbors wife. I didn’t even know what covet meant, I had to look it up. If he doesn’t want us desiring why does he make us all so damn sexually attractive? He made flowers with their organs hanging all out in the open and has us staring at their gonads saying, “Oh how pretty” and even sticking our noses right into their floral sex canals to breath in the sweet aroma of desire. We can covet the hell out of flowers, but don’t gat caught looking at your neighbors cleavage, that’s a sin!. My favorite law is no worshipping images. Oh, like the cross? Statues, busts, paintings, rosaries, all sorts of ways to pay homage via an image. Today there isn’t a Christian alive that doesn’t worship some company logo! (No coincidence the leading iLogo is Apple) So I’m not buying into these laws, or “commandments” that are being force-fed to us through religion. That’s why I started the investigation in the first place. Unfair laws.
I don’t mean to take his name in vain but God damn they made a lot of laws back in the century! And God has us jumping through hoops still today. He makes us pray, assemble in buildings on the day of his choice, and makes us get all dressed up just to listen to how bad we are. Then he makes us give money to the dude that just read us the riot acts. He makes us sit on wooden benches til our asses have cheek bruises plus we gotta kneel down before him. First he makes us pray, then he makes us look like fools by singing songs we really don’t like or fully understand. “Ave Maria!”, “He walks with me and he talks with me“, “Nearer my god to thee“, “The rugged cross“, all such repetitive songs. Who wrote these hymns the Dr. Seuss of Christianity? “Onward Christian soldiers“….Hey! Wait a minute, whaddaya mean soldiers? Is god indoctrinating us to fight a crusading war? Or maybe, just maybe it’s a ploy by god to make us look like jerks sinning silly songs sans karaoke. Maybe god’s pranking us with all those laws! Otherwise why would we follow him and obey all his rules without raising a question. Because he said so?! Oh I get it, god is a Mom!
I can’t except not asking questions. Questions are the main reason I began this investigation in the first place. I wanted to find out who God was and who Satan was, and how the Bible came to be the defining word on humanity. My investigation took me back to the fourth century and I uncovered secrets that have been kept for thousands of years. Are we worshipping the right entity or was there a major switcheroo and ultimate coupe de gras? One thing is for sure, the struggle for power today has deep roots that go way back. You’ve heard the stories “They” want you to hear, now hear the stories that have been buried, and the people that were killed just for talking the truth in caverns, taverns, and campfires throughout the Middle East. Read carefully and choose what you believe wisely. The truth may not set you free it just may scare the Hell out of you!. Or into you.

Dying To Be Something Special

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

The physicist creator of this universe takes time to explain life and death at the end

You believe you have made this world a better place? So many creatures that have perished from your great advances would disagree as to how great those human accomplishments have been. You fancy yourselves the superior species yet you think nothing of killing each other. Animals don’t kill for sport, or torture each other for revenge or just sick pleasure. Sure you pretend to care, but look at like this, you walk down the street with an assault rifle and kill random ten men you’d be arrested for the rest of your life. Do the same thing in combat and you’re a hero. You like to pick and choose who and when killing is okay but why should humans get to choose? Humans are willing to kill over disagreement of arbitrary geographic boundaries or differing faiths. You never learned to process this most important information. Life is precious. You place animals in cages away from where they live so your kids can all gawk at the mighty lion or laugh at the funny chimpanzees. Solely for your amusement.
Ever think of how they got there? I can tell you they didn’t walk in and ask if you would put them up here for the rest of their lives because this jungle is scary. The journey to your game farms, zoo’s, and aquariums were not pleasant. Animals should be left where they’re supposed to be, living on earth like everything else, even humans. Yet you raise animals to slaughter them, shave their hides for fashion. But as you say, that barn door is closed, it has gone way too far and it will take an act of profound evolutionary coincidence to reverse it. On some levels humans are a disappointment. You see JT, when I created your universe I had one rule to follow, and that was to never interfere with the process and development of life. We create life and then watch it take its course.
Not that we grow things just to look at, we grow them to allow them to experience. You may not realize this but those mighty oak trees feel as proud as they look and they enjoy their lives, the dangers and pitfalls as well as the wonder of having birds nest on them and watching as the generations of robins live out their lives. Yes there are dangers out there, and survival of one is often at the expense of another, but life is a happy accident. It’s an honor to have one and you have had a very rich one if you really think about it. You can point out the ugly parts, the funerals you attended, losing people close to you, the tragedies of life, the struggles and hard times, but don’t overlook those good things. That’s what made life so worth living. How many of those mountains and waterfalls and trees an flowers did you have a chance to enjoy? How many moments of intense joy did you experience? More than many I can tell you that. If you think back the magnifigance of life will far outweigh the tragedies. The truly sad part is it needs to end. Life ends JT so another life may have its opportunity to thrive and enjoy. You had a great life and you were part of something very beautiful. All those moments in time you had are a part of not only your memories, but the memories of those who loved you. You leave their lives but not their hearts. Like the animal that dies in the forest you never really leave the universe you just become something else. A dead animal was food for grub worms, which were eaten by crickets, which were eaten by owls and so on. Nothing really leaves the jungles, it becomes another form of life. You are more lucky because the cosmos is your jungle, and you get to become other parts of the universe. If there was one thing I wish humans could convey back after they die it would be to shake up the living and tell them to enjoy life. Stop fighting over things that don’t really matter and enjoy the fantastic world around them. But alas, I fear the message will never be brought back down to earth. Anyway, its your time to leave and your going where you were always meant to go.
Now I was pretty much speechless. All I could do was think over all he had told me. Knowingly Al took me by the hand and walked me into another room, a much more comfortable room. It was warm and inviting and I began to get just a little nervous as if I were in a cosmic hospice. The room was all glass and surrounded by a huge garden filled to the brim with plants and flowers, and chipmunks and birds. Alive with sounds of life, chirps, growls, shouts, running water. Like I was getting a last look at all the beauty my planet had offered me through the years. There was a stairwell that led to what I guessed was an observation deck of some sort. Al pointed up the stairs and I went, all the time taking in the sights, sounds and smells. So beautiful, I hope I’m not going to miss it too much. When I got to the top I nearly was blown away. It was like a dream observatory looking out into space, the cosmos, or infinity. More stars than I had ever seen, even in my younger days before light pollution obscured the nightscapes. “Oh my god Al, this is remarkable.” Al was smiling. “An odd choice of phrase, oh my god, don’t you think?” I knew he was teasing me so I gave him the response he wanted. “It’s a conditioned response Al, I get it. God is a concept we invented to explain how beautiful and precious life is. That’s what the woman I first met meant when she said God is everything. God does exist but its not in the form of a spirit, human, or even a scientist for that matter. God is a concept to help us understand the information we are unable to process. The truth. That’s what I’m here for right.?” Al just gave me a knowing nod and placed his arm over my shoulder. The two of us stared into the sky for some time, inhaling its enormity.
“So what Al, this is it? All the stars out there… that’s where I’m going?” I was staring up through the skylight and the view was breathtaking. Literally. “Yes JT, that’s your next destination. You are a bundle of billions and billions of tiny balls of energy and you will be released out there to become energy parts in millions of other matter. That’s why as a young boy you would stare up at the night sky with such awe and wonder, you where looking up to your future and it was…it IS beautiful. All your dreams of astral transport, traveling from star to star, visits to the moon and beyond. It’s happening, it’s real. Except your present self won’t know it. You were meant to gather info on earth and absorb it so you can enrich the cosmos. This my son…this your big moment. You are about to become part of something bigger than you could ever imagine. So go ahead, take off JT.”
I gave Al one last look, and smiled at him. “I’m sorry I made you look so nerdy Al, you deserve better. Thank you, thank you so much for this.” We stood in silence for a few seconds. “You know you’re right Al, I remember staring up at the night sky and seeing the big beautiful moon, and the thousands of sparkling little stars and always imagined being part of it, being up there and dancing on the stars.” Al was smiling a big smile now and he nodded towards the stars. I knew, knew in an instant it was my time to go, I gave Al one last look, mouthed the words thank you one last time, and left my world a very happy bundle, of billions and billions of balls of energy.
The Beginning


The Seven Deadly Dwarfs

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

The Sins Of The Son Are The Sins That Go Farther

Sins! Oh sweet Mama are we all guilty of sins. I even remember the righteous Jimmy Swaggart crying “I have sinned” although I suspect the tears were because he was caught. Who among us has not sinned? Personally I will cop to multiple sinning that may borer on serial or pathologic qualification. The degree of sins I have committed has allegedly assured me a special place in hell. Allegedly!! By that I mean if there is a hell and if so then it also contains special places. When I think about it, which honestly isn’t often, hell couldn’t be as bad as those sanctimonious truth babblers would have me believe. I mean shit, when I die they tell me I have a choice of only two places, heaven or hell. That’s all the options I get. In heaven I get to sit by the throne of the almighty. No TV, no music, (except some mind numbing harp strumming by Angels), no board games, nothing! Jut sit by the throne with a bunch of goody-goods twittling thumbs. Can’t even think about the fun shit like sex and….well sex. In that case heaven is a place to go to get bored to insanity. Not this boy, I plan to fly over the cuckoo’s nest. Or if Hell is where they say it is then under it. Put me on that elevator straight to hell. Let me live out my days being naked, roasting marshmallows, and sinning like the devil with a shitload of other sinners. A place where sex, drugs, and rock and roll are not only encouraged, but required. Daily entertainment!
So what makes a sin a sin anyway? Who decided what was okay and what was not? How in the hell did someone come up with The Seven Deadly sins? I know what you think, I’m about to start bashing the cross waving holier than thou Christians again, but nope. Uh uh, not this time. This time I point the finger at The Brothers Grimm. In 1812 they took these fire and brimstone causing seven sins to a new level. Whats worse their partner in perpetuation Walt Disney himself injected subliminally into the mainstream. Yup, today I blame this shit on Snow White.
Seven dwarfs and seven deadly sins! Coincidence? Hardly! Each one of those diminutive diamond mining denizens represent a sin. And the true tales are full of drugs and parties and enough sex to make the entire population of munchkins giggle with delight. Not convinced yet? Well then allow me to break this shit down!
Wrath. The sin of rage and uncontrollable anger. Why so angry? Well Plick was cut off. One fateful day in the diamond mine he attempted to steal some diamonds by swallowing them. He was caught, and the others had a group meeting an agreed that this dwarf was banned from alcohol, weed and coke for six months. Even the lady dwarfs denied him sex. Not only that, he still had to shit out the diamonds without any painkillers. You’d be Grumpy too!
Sloth. The sin of laziness. If that’s true I am one major sinning son of a bitch sinner because I have a masters degree in procrastination. But back to the dwarfs. In the bed next to Grumpy slept Perzlebaum. Perzlebaum was very clever and the first to realize that he had access to Grumpy’s banned stash. Purzle drank so much whisky and puffed up so much weed he passed out. Fuckin’ Perzle slept for three days straight and it caused permanent dammage to his orbital muscles. With his constantly drooping eyes, he earned the name Sleepy.
Lust. The sin of intense desire. Packe was also somewhat of an opportunistic party hound and noticed the lady dwarfs shunning his buddy. Packe woke up each day with that male teenage bane, morning wood. At firt he took matters into his own hand, but then the idea came. Grumpys ladies will be lonely. Oh he satisfied his normal urges at night in the dwarf bars, but now after 4AM he also prowled the lonely of the night that had once been busy with Grumpy. He engaged in sexual trysts on a scale of many a mans fantasy, sometimes having as many as four ladies a night. He even started experimenting with trans gender dwarfs He became an orgasm addict. Poor Packe fucked himself silly. Literally! He fucked his own brains out. He is still off balance and to this day still known as Dopey.
Envy.The sin of jealousy. Now comes Huckepack. He was once considered somewhat of a dwarf ladies man, a playa amongst playa’s. But he noticed how easily Dopey was getting laid and it bothered him. Huckepack wanted a piece of the action and not just the plain looking ones, he wanted to go after the super hot little juicy fruits. When he finally did score the dwarfette of his dreams he was stoked. No, not stroked you pervert, stoked! Once in the bedroom he was over excited, and he stripped immediately. He had not taken into account that he had just returned from swimming. Uh huh, shrinkage! Juicy fruits eyes went directly to his compromised dwarf hood. One look at his shrunken treasure and his naked conquest let out an emasculating giggle. She then said to him “Who are you expecting to please with that tiny thing?” Embarrased and angry Huckepack looked at her horrified sreaming “ME BITCH!” But it was not a save. She hit him below the belt and his confidence was rocked to all hell. He grabbed his clothes and ran out in tears of shame. He never worked up the nerve (Thats not a euphanism) to talk to her or any other women ever again. He was labeled Bahsful.
Pride. The sin of self indulgance. Many consider this to be the worst, holding ones own esteem so much higher than everyone else’s. My oldest brother is like that, always better than the ret of us. I’m sure he’s somewhere looking down on us all right now. He’s not dead, he’s just a condescending ass. But this is the story of Rumplebold. This young dwarf was quite enterprising. His biggest problem was he believed he deserved the best of everything. He was entitles to everything that the dwarfs had and then some. With the others using up all of Grumpy’s weed and whisky it was Rumplebold who deserved the most expensive part of the stash. At least he thought he did so he confiscated the entire cache of Grumpy’s cocaine and went to town. Rumple did lines of coke everywhere he went and all day and night. He was wired to the max. He tried to hide it from the others, but it was impossible. Dude was sneezing white power from his nose regularly. There was so much blow up his nostrils he couldn’t stop sneezing. Yup, Sneezy.
Gluttony. The sin of over-consumption. Ah yea, too much of everything, no moderation what so ever. This has to be Puck. Puck may have been the cleverest of all seven. Puck knew just what he wanted. Everything! And lots of it. What made him clever was knowing how to take what he desired without raising awareness. He was slick and had an ample supply of whisky, weed, and women. His big problem was munchies. He was the one who did the weekly food shopping and always went right after puffing a fatty. The others never even knew that he bought and stashed boxes of ring dings,ho-ho’s and double stuffed oreo’s. Ate himself silly. He became fat and jolly. Oh yea, he was one happy Puck. Always smiling, always laughing, always…..Happy.
Greed. The sin of material pursuit. This brings us around to our last dwarf, Naseweis. Ole Nasy was greedy from the start. He wanted flat screens, and smartphones, designer clothes, expensive jewelry, and a Bentley to take into LA to shop at Rodeo Drive. He had a hunger for living in the material world and wanted a material girl. Maybe even shag Madonna. But how could he afford all these things? An idea struck him. He went online and bought a fake doctorate from WebMD and began selling scripts to the other six. It’s rumored he even sold a script for Propranol to the wicked witch. No matter, he recognized the weaknesses in all of us and exploited it as a doctor. Even though it was fake it worked, and they all go to “Doc” when they want vial of feel good.
So that’s it. That’s why I blame these fictional characters for creating the seven deadly sins. I’m calling them out. Who knows, maybe it will even start a whole new religion. Or at least a sect. The Seventh Sin Adventists or something. We can be known as Dwarfies. We will pray for illicit happenings, sing about sinful exploits, and even approve same sect marriage. Maybe I’ll even get my own compound out of the deal. We’ll lock ourselves in and commit every sin possible. You can come and join if you want, all sinners no saints! Just remember, I am a shameless sinner, so if I do offer you some Kool Aid, make sure it’s the electric kind. Have a nice trip……PEACE

The First Books Of The Cold Testament

On By Terrapin - The JourneyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

There Aughta be a Law
So now the scene was set for the so called “Old Testament” to branch out in different area’s. This is where it gets kinda murky with a few different accounts of what happened next. But like an automobile accident, everyone swears that their story is the (Insert name of favorite Creator)‘s honest truth, and of course the truth will set you free. Or will it? The Roamings chose to be monotheist and worshipped God as told by Abraham, the Muscle’ems also monotheist but called their god Allah. Mosey led the remaining suffering juice into their holy land insisting to them all that they were the chosen ones. But chosen by whom and for what? The adventure begins
Mosey decides he should clear up the laws for the Juice in their long bloody trek to the promised land so he began writing his fifth book. He had already written four others. His first was titled Genesis, and it was about how things began according to the disciples, Peter, Gabriel, Phil, and Collins (not Tom Collins, the other one). His second work of fiction was called “Exodus” and it was based on a song by Bob Marley. (easy on the ganja next time Mosey) His third book was a math book he called simply “Numbers” and his fourth a short story about the maker of blue jeans which he called “Levi-ticus. The working title of his fifth and final book was “ Dude-a-Ramen Noodle” but that may change due to Ron or me. It’s main purpose will be to set all the laws required to become the chosen ones, the real Juice. During the years they wandered in search of the real estate they were promised Mosey made up those laws. He created dietary laws, (pissed off the pig farmers) sexual laws, laws of marriage, laws for religious festivals and ceremonies, and the most important law of all. The mother of all Mitzvah laws. The law insisting that every family has a no holds barred all out extravagant party their children when they reach the age of 12 or 13. (boys take longer to mature).
But first things first, on to the promise land. Mosey surveyed his able body men and decided to make Joshua his general. Joshua was a strong and smart man who was once the world wrestling federation champ. He had also trained at Far West Point, the highly regarded Ninja military school run by Genghis Kahn. Joshua began getting his troops in shape with exercises and combat training games. In two short months he had a formidable assembly of fine tuned fighting machines. And good thing too because it wasn’t long until the first battle.
In their quest to take the promise land they came upon a mighty river they needed to cross in order to proceed. Mosey had been told by Yehaw that he was not to cross the river, but to allow Joshua to take over and lead his people. His task was complete and it was time for him to pack it in, to buy the farm He had to die. After all, it had been a great 4,000 years and he was losing his hair, bladder control, and the arthritis was getting too painful. So here it was that instead of a sea parting, it was Mosey and Joshua. “Josh my friend, our years together have at last come to an end. I leave it up to you to lead our people into the promised land. Just promise me that when you do you play nice with the neighbors.” Joshua smiled and shook his head while he place his hand behind his back and crossed his fingers. “I promise you dear friend Mosey, I will lead our people into the promised land and treat our neighbors like they were family.” With that, Mosey went off to die peacefully and Joshua uncrossed his fingers, smiled, and mumbled to himself, “Like the abusive family that fucking abandoned me, hehehe.”