A Lion In The Streets But A Wildcat In The Sheets
As a young adult Samsung was the strongest, smartest, and to hear the fair maidens tell it the most well hung man in town. He was being raised by Raven who harbored vengeance in her heart and did her best to fill Samsungs up with anger as well. It wasn’t enough that the ugly and smelly Philly-Steens imprisoned them but one of the church leaders, Mike Duggle-Ass often had Raven brought to his quarters against her will where he performed a variety of sex acts with her. He made her exchange oral pleasures over and over for hours at a time. Her only solace is in knowing she had given him throat cancer.
So it was much more than mere anger it quite literally went much deeper than that. Raven had Samsung trained with a Hattori Hanzo sword, sent him to Crouching Tiger Shulman’s Hidden Dragon Ninja Academy, and study Patton’s Home Correspondence Battle Training Course in his spare time. Raven had fashioned a skilled and very adept lean mean killing machine. His only weakness was being a man easily manipulated by his third leg.
Samsung was also very intelligent and graduated magma cum loudly of Canaanite U, majoring in telecommunications. (which at that time was the donkey express) He knew he would one day find a better solution to information gathering but first and foremost he must set out to avenge his people. He set out on his ass (The donkey) to find a way to free the Israelites, who have a predestined love of all things free. While traveling he met a Philly-Steen hottie named Semedar walking with her younger sister Da-Liar. After a fair amount of flirting with both ladies he got off his ass and gave Semedar his most charming eye flirt and said, “I think I’ll invent a new alphabet so I can put U and I together.” Obviously just as smitten the sultry Semedar smiled seductively, gently traced her finger down his chest barely brushing her hand across his groin and answered, “Why don’t you just put the U in Me instead.” She parted her thick lips ever so suggestively and allowed her pink moist tongue to reveal her intention.
Sparks flew. No literally, I mean real sparks were coming from Samsungs cellular region as it rose to the occasion instantly. His LAN was on fire and Semedar was the server of choice. His sexual wiring was shorting out sending messages everywhere. The sultry and very horny Semedar gave her sister Da-Liar ten bucks and sent her off to town so the two hopeful lovers could allow the sparks to bring each other to a satisfying conclusion.
The two lovers found a perfect spot in the forest and went at it with all the energy his mother and biological father had on that fateful night on which he was conceived. The huffed and puffed and puffed and huffed and each brought new and exciting techniques to the sensual explosion. When they were finished the ridiculously satisfied Samsung couldn’t stop singing her praises and asked her right there on the G spot if she would marry him. Nary a second of hesitation wasted the beautiful Semedar still feeling the warm blood flow everywhere accepted his vow of love and sealed it with a slurp. The two became engaged and made love once more to celebrate. Now the hard part, time to tell both families about the unity of an Israelite and a Philly-Steen.
Raven and Manoah were extremely unhappy with the news and Raven warned Samsung that consorting with the Philly-Steens would bring him only heartache an displeasure. Pleasure was the reason Samsung had become betrothed to begin with so he cleverly convinced her it was part of the higher powers plan for him to marry the sexy Philly-Steen. He announced that his intentions were as stiff as his……never mind, his intention was solid. Being a Nazirite he felt compelled to ask Semedar’s father for her hand in marriage and he set off to do just that.
He jumped on his ass (donkey again) and headed out as fast as the stubborn burro would bounce. Two hours and two days later the ass lazily limped to a clearing just outside of Boldface, the town of his sultry fiancé. There he would practice what he would say when he met Semedars father Bob Barian. Bob Barian was actually Semedars step father who was a warped, frustrated old man. He lost the sight of his right eye during a battle with the Huns when Attila himself reached into Bob Barians eye socket, yanked out his eyeball threw it at Bobs feet saying “You see where you stand?“ before laughing and squishing it into the ground. Not a single one of his slaves lifted a hand to help him and many even snickered and made Cyclops jokes. He became a more ruthless and vindictive slave-owner after that and he was all too aware that a stinking Israelite was on the way to ask for his daughters hand thanks to a heads up from his daughter Da-Liar. Bob Barian was even less enthusiastic about the union than Raven was. In an attempt to avoid having the entire race of Philly-Steens making him the laughing stock of the Fertile Crescent for being a slaves father in law he bought a lion from the Coliseum of Rome to slay the hapless Hebrew. He got a good rate on an aging lion that had killed over 50 Christians which had acquired quite a reputation. It was said the old but fierce feline had not a sliver of fear or humility. In fact the carnivorous cat had swallowed his pride, each and every member. He turned the bloodthirsty lion loose in the path where Samsung would surely be and assumed that would be the last he would hear of the Israelite again..
Samsung rested in the clearing because his ass was sore.(the donkey again) It was tired from all the walking and in pain so they stopped to give his asses a rest. His thoughts wandered to the sexually charged encounter he and Semedar had and the ones they would have in the future and the only thing on his mind now was copulation. His hand involuntarily began a soothing feel good massage as he day dreamed about his carnal desires when a strange noise broke his concentration. First he heard the gentle rustling of leaves but it was followed quickly by a loud ferocious roar. He remove his hand from his loincloth in alarm. A lion attack? Holy shit! His first inclination was to get his ass outta there (this time his!) There wasn’t enough time because old as the lion was it still had a lot of zip in its hip and came charging at Samsung with killing in it’s eyes and heart. Samsung having to react quickly grabbed his ass by its jawbone (you figure it out) and ripped it clean off its head. He then took that old jawbone and cracked it across the head of the charging cat killing it in one swift chop. The adrenalin rush from the fear compounded from his daily steroid shot was still raging and he tore the lion apart with his bare hands.
I wish you could have seen the face of Bob Barian go from smirking smile to frightened shock as he witnessed Samsung toss the gruesome shredded carcass at his feet. Eyes still wild and bugging out of his head Samsung looked Bobby Boy directly in his good eye and said, “I came here to ask you for your daughters hand in marriage but now with this lion carcass as a show of my worthiness I will insist we marry and our love will bond!” Shaken but not stirred the mean mister Barian agreed immediately. He would have agreed to just about anything at that point with Samsung staring at his good eye with wild rage and lions blood still dripping from his hands. There was little he could do the marriage was set. De-Liar had also witnessed the incident with a tingling in her slightly damp groin paying particular notice of how Sammy bulged as well. Instinctively she knew what his weakest link was, or at least she thought she did. To herself she mumbled, “One day Sammy boy, I will use that divine rod to coax you away from my bitch sister and you‘ll moisten only my lips. (your choice)
The wedding was epic. Israelites in formal chains on the grooms side, all the ostentatious Philly-Steens on the brides side. Senedar had 30 groomsmen who took care of her wardrobe and make up. Samsung decided to tease them thinking them to be stupid gay Philly-Steens. “If any among you can figure out my riddle, I shall give you a fine Italian suit in the color of your choice.” The groomsmen were all fashionista’s so of course were intrigued. Samsung had no intention of allowing them to figure out his riddle.” If two Roman chariots collided on the border of England and Persia in which country would survivors be buried?” The slow witted groomsmen scratched their heads and struggled for hours in moral and ethic debates and the legal ramifications of responsibility not a single one realizing the easy answer. Da-Liar knew the answer and told the groomsmen that survivors don’t get buried on the condition they tell him Semedar gave them the solution. Each one went to Samsung and answered his riddle demanding a tailored suit from Italy. Infuriated Samsung promised he would fulfill his obligation in a week. He asked them how they figured it out and as promised they told him Semedar had given them the answer. Samsung was crushed by the betrayal.
For the first time the sex between Samsung and Senedar was unsatisfying because only one of Sams heads was into it. He was clearly pre occupied but lied that he was only deciding where to get the 30 suits. His pain turned to anger over her revealing the answer to the groomsmen putting him in such a shitty position. Semedar was sexually frustrated and unsatisfied too so as soon as Samsung left to get the suits she snuck into the bedroom of her secret lovers. Yes that’s right, its not a typo this time, she had multiple lovers. She slept with four of her Philly-Steen neighbors getting attention from all four simultaneously. Da-Liar promised she would warn Semedar if her new husband came home so the fivesome went at it with unequalled enthusiasm. Reverse cowgirl, motor boating, jack hammering, the ninja vacuum, the bus ride, they even Sutra’d the Kama out of each other one chapter at a time. The moans and groans could be heard throughout the entire hall.
Totally unaware of his back stabbing brides infidelity Samsung set out to keep his promise. He decided to kill two birds with one stone so he went into town and found 30 well dressed Philly-Steens who he easily slaughtered then took their clothing. He went back to Semedars home three days earlier than expected with the dead men’s suits and dropped them off. He explained to he couldn’t get a plaid suit because dead men don’t wear plaid and none of the contributors wore pink suits. It was as if he were bragging about something. He dropped off all the suits, many of which still had blood stains on them. Then as he walked down the hall he saw Da-Liar who stopped him and whispered, “I love my sister but I can’t bear to see this happen to you. I’m sorry Samsung but she’s in the room at the end of the hall. That’s when he heard the familiar sounding moans. “Semedar?” Samsung broke into the bedroom finding his bride in what could only be described as the final scene from the popular porno flick “Romancing The Bone.” Four Philly-Steen men simultaneously pleasuring his wife in one place or another.(The ear thing was kinda creepy) He grabbed his sword and cut off all eight of the four men’s heads turning to Semedar, “I think I’ll be going back home now. I’ve murdered enough stinking Philly-Steens for one day.” He left her stunned in a room full of bloody body parts while Da-Liar secretly watched it all unfold with a smile.
Samsung went home to his Mom and Dad crying. Raven wanted badly to say “I told you so”, but opted to wait for another time. She made him a pot of chicken soup and enhanced it with more steroids than usual because “He looks like he hasn’t ha a roid in weeks” as she would put it. Things were not so hunky dory in Philly-Steen either. A warrant for Samsung was put out with a reward if taken alive. King Davey wanted to make a hard work slave of the murderous Israelite would be savior. He would employ any means necessary including using Da-Liar. He wanted Samsungs battery completely drained at any cost. Samsung had a price on his head.