Just In Case

just in case

 

(Modern Beat)

 

 

I ran from a familiar land

After my delusions chased me

Across the sand

And I ran

from the North Shore sights

Toward the bright bright lights

Electric nights of city life

Laughing in the jaws of the dragon

Breathing wisps of demon breath

To a world unnatural

In search of death

There in the belly of the beast

Putting my life on lease

Chasing smoke rings

Dancing a crazy crowd

Punk music blasting loud

Fractured bones in the pit

Because I moshed a little bit

Too hard

Fraught with anger

Driven with salacious devotion

Drawn to deviant commotion

I rode the avenue waves

Reveling the horizontal hugs

Stoned insane from too much drugs

Waltzing on the edge of the universe

Stumbling across my dreams

But age collects it’s toll

Body and mind fade from time

Can’t live that way no more

Can hardly get up off the floor

I’ve become a dinosaur for sure

But if you offered me a normal life

I would turn and run away

Who wants that kind of life anyway

Chained to a picket fence

Life in the past tense

Another hamster in the wheel

Man get real!

That don’t make no sense

Children and suspense

Always worried about expense

I’m better left to all my clutter

Traveling rip tide down the gutter

I’m not who I thought I would be

Two good eyes but still can’t see

Even though its in front of me

Now you tell me God can free us

Jesus will appease us? Please!

Was my life ever worth saving

When it was death I was constantly craving

But anyways I ain’t misbehaving

Mine is no disgrace

Repentance has no place

But I’m not going back there

Just in case

 

 

 

 

 

The Bigger The Atom The Bigger The Bang, Oh Mega p2

p2

 

Life after death? Is that what’s to be with me? One thing for sure I can’t wait to meet this “Creator” at the bottom of the staircase. I started down the steps I had just recently negotiated in an odd mix of fear and curiosity. Halfway down I stopped and looked back up to ask one more question. My advisor was no longer there I was alone. The image, my Mom, my daughters, my love, my friends everyone I ever cared about gone. They had all disappeared and I was alone with a notion. The notion that something was waiting at the bottom of the staircase and that something was the truth. What is truth? Is truth law? What will truth reveal? Is truth unchanging or ever changing? Can I choose a dare instead of truth? Will it set me free? Does truth have feeling? Can I handle the truth? Will I find the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? And most importantly, are all these questions even necessary? Time to go on down to the bottom and find out!

No more questions I have my answer. Go downstairs and find out what the truth is. I proceeded cautiously not knowing if truth was an entity, a concept, or a trap. As I climbed downward I noticed that the staircase was spiral. But it wasn’t a spiral before. Or was it? Whatever, its time to bribe the piper, to face the joyous sounds expressed through musical instruments, time to get on the hippie multiple person transport vehicle and find out for myself. When I reached the bottom of the staircase no one was there, just a huge blackboard with some drawings and equations scrawled across it. There was a picture of a DNA strand, a helix, and a diagram of a Nautilus shell, diagrams of various ferns, flowers and plants all spiral in shape, an some sort of segment worm curled up tight. Tacked onto the top of the blackboard were 3 aerial photographs of massive super storms. On the other side of the board was all numbers, or rather symbols numbers and fractions and such. A math geeks orgasm. There were some I recognized like 3.14159265359, which I knew was pi, multiples of nine showing how each quotient adds back up to nine, (9×2=18..1+8=9,9×3=27..2+7=9..etc), as well as a series of equations that could not possibly be more foreign to me. Perhaps even Einstein would have found a spot amongst his quizzical locks to scratch his head and ponder the meaning. That said….What the Fuck?? What is all this shit supposed to mean to me? This is the truth? I didn’t understand what or why I was looking at this strange blackboard but I knew it would give me the answer to my…….Jesus shit I don’t even remember the question anymore. Not sure if it was what is life all about or what is death all about or something else entirely. Something important was in front of me so I decided to give it a stab with the images and leave the math number and letters problem for the end. I looked closely at the image of the giant storms from an aerial view, the nautilus, and the ferns and realized that they were all spiral in shape. Just like the damn staircase. Come to think of it the DNA strand and helix are two spirals intertwined. I looked to the spiral formed by the segment worm all curled up. Then I thought about a milky way galaxy photo I had seen before. Out loud to no one I blurted out, “Holy fuck, its about spirals, like the fucking galaxy. That’s it!! The truth is spirals. Spirals!” I was overjoyed for about ten seconds until the next thought hit me. What the fuck do spirals have to do with anything? Again I spoke to no one. “Yea, that’s it, spirals. But that’s what? I still don’t get it, and I will never get what those stupid equations mean.” I stared up at the board and was startled when the no one I had been speaking to spoke back to me in a sort of scratchy and almost squeaky voice.. “You’re right, it is spirals. Even the equation is spiral, the golden spiral. I am quite impressed that your scientists and mathematicians have figured it out. Your people have learned much, and have lost me a lot of bets in my world. This logarithm, Pi, the DNA, all of the math up there is not an accident, it’s more like my signature. Like a barcode or watermark you use to identify things, or a hologram The math problems are my hidden code that I myself scripted all over your universe. That ensures proof to all the other universe makers that this one here is mine. I call my universe ‘Omnia Etares”. The signature spirals appear everywhere. Galaxies are spiral, your DNA is a spiral, storms, shells, everything. That’s what happens when atoms collide, natural spirals form when the energy shoots out from both sides of the explosion in a whirlpool fashion forming a spiral. Imagine to cars colliding head on in slow motion. At the epicenter there would be a big explosion and parts from both cars would spray backwards. Pieces of the pieces travel to different distances depending on their weight. That’s how the universe started. I collided two atoms together and the resulting explosion was spread around and settle at different distances from the center. Some of the larger piecers slam into each other forming galaxies. It all travels in a spiral even though its not perceptible to the eye. Why even this universe itself is spiral JT. I know common belief is it’s constantly expanding but that’s only part true, it will in time settle until it slams into someone else’s universe. A better term for the worlds would be multiverse” I was so stunned to hear a voice I barely even processed what he had said let alone had the where withal to wonder how he knew my name. I thought I was stunned but when I turned to see who was talking to me I was speechless.

Not a tall muscular slender long-haired Herculean man as one might expect a creator or godlike truth teller to be but a rather diminutive and non athletic man with tightly curled short black hair. His nose was too big for his oblong face and he had what seemed a chronic case of chin stubble in a futile attempt at appearing cool. Not at all what I would expect as a creator, he seemed more like a tech geek at a Radio Shack or Best Buy. He was dressed the part of a scientist in a lab coat complete with black glasses, pencil behind the ear, and clipboard in hand.. He stared at me blankly as if he were completely done talking and I should just be assuring him I understood what he had said. But clearly I didn’t get it. “You? You’re God, you are the creator?” The tone of my voice was way too obvious in its incredulousness and cynicism. He did not look the least bit offended however and gave me an all too familiar condescending smile. “Not what you were expecting JT? Tell me what a creator looks like and I’ll see what I can do to make you feel more at ease.” I glared at him defiantly, “Well I certainly didn’t expect the creator to be so sarcastic, nor did I think it would be a nerd. What should I call you anyway, Mr. Atom collider, The Grand Creator of everything? That sounds awfully egocentric for a humble End all be all.” This time his smile was more genuine. “Now who’s being sarcastic? My name would be way to foreign to you to say so when you call me you can call me Al.” I couldn’t resist the Paul Simon reference and I replied with a chuckle, “like I can be your bodyguard and you can be my long lost friend?” He looked at me puzzled and with an air of confusion said, “No. Al, as in Albert Einstein. I am a physicist too but far beyond any humans abilities. Einstein did come close however, so I just go by Al for you humans. I was the one who collided the atoms that formed the ‘Big Bang’ your people have been talking about.” I stared in total disbelief, “Wait Al, I need to sit down and sort this through.” My new friend, teacher, guru, and I assume Sherpa Al gave me a chair.

Al allowed me about ten minutes to gather my thoughts. “ Maybe I should start at the beginning JT. What I am is similar to what you call a scientist but from a very different universe. In my universe the scientists create universes by colliding atoms and try to find life on them. At some point they may even be able to create one here on your earth with one of those, what do you call them, particle accelerators, the Large Hadron Collider.” I was now starting to understand. “You mean like the one in Switzerland for CERN right? Some sort of underground tube ride for atoms that cost a few billion dollars and is supposed to make the scientific community all warm and fuzzy and shit. The Higgs Bosen God thingy. They are gonna recreate the …” It hit me. “Holy shit, the big fucking bang! They are going to create a new universe down there!“ Al rolled his eyes, looking more like a parent than a creator. “Put that way it seems less relevant, but yes that’s where it may happen. I hope they know what to do if they are successful. A universe expanding underground will get pretty messy. Anyway, they do a lot more than just that down there, they are gathering all kinds of information they believe will help them understand their universe.” My head was spinning and I was beginning to wonder if this was maybe some weird ass dream or something. “Hold on there Al, your getting way ahead of me here. Lets go back a bit. Back to your signature thing. Are you telling me you created the universe and then invented pi, and those other math equations as a way of claiming this universe as your own? Sorry but that sounds ridiculous.”

This creator, this Al dude, had begun pacing by the blackboard rubbing his head and I assumed he was planning his answers. Once a scientist always a scientist I guess. Finally he spoke, “Okay JT, first I’ll tell you about my role in this and then we can get to the truth you search for so you can move on.” The phrase move on was disconcerting. What the fuck did he mean by that? Perhaps I would be better off stalling him, but fuck that, then I’ll have to stay in this…..this classroom or whatever. I shut up and let him continue. “So this is hard stuff to understand and I really don’t think its important to you but here goes. I am a universe scientist. Quantum physics is only scratching the surface. Everything is in constant motion but on such a minute level its imperceptible even to microscopes. Like tiny vibrations. You believe an atom is the smallest thing around, but its not .Energy is. In our labs we create energy and form them into tiny things which you call atoms. It gives the energy mass, or substance. Inside this, let me call it a tiny ball of powerful energy, I placed these math equations to be constant throughout. Placed them in each of two atoms and had them spin at speeds that make light seem slow. When those two balls of energy collided they created an explosion. It starts out very small, but like all explosions grew outwards. That’s your universe, or actually my universe. To one of the energy balls we add some carbon and hydrogen to the other which is how life is formed. So in essence, I created you and every living thing you have ever known. We can’t control life we only create it. Life takes its own direction. Every living thing in this universe began with one single cell. In this single cell organism was my signature math equations an instructions on duplicating. What your scientists have figured out is DNA. A strand of information and instruction from me passed on to everything that reproduces. Sometimes they just duplicate themselves out of extinction and other times, like on earth, two organisms collide and form a multi-cell organism, which creates the male and female structure. After that its all logarithmic growth creating diversity at every split. You are a rather tiny and irrelevant part of it, but all universes experience forms of life and yours happens to be the one with a brain capable of reasoning so I explain to those I think can handle it how it is they got here. For whatever reason humans have an innate sense of wonder and a desire to understand that so strong its driven many of you mad. I believe it was when you left the water and began to form a brain some billions of your years ago. Over time that brain grew in size and became able to actually think and reason. So once I tell you your truth, you can go on and become part of the matter of the universe again. Who knows, maybe part of you will form a new star, or comet.”

Al looked in my eyes and I could tell he knew much of what he told me was above my pay grade. He shrugged his shoulders and said, “So that’s that. Now what about that truth you want to know?” Once the confusion subsided anger began to set in. This unworthy looking god pretender claims to have created everything and called me insignificant! This shit can‘t be real. “No way, no fucking way am I buying all this bullshit. This is some kind of bad dream or nightmare or something and you’re not real. I ate something that is fucking up my system and giving me this piece of shit dream. All this shit about colliders and spirals an equations is all bullshit. I live in the information age and this is just bacon cheeseburger Google overload. It’s the price I pay for being in the world wide web, cruising down the information highway guzzling beer and chomping on cheeseburgers and fries. Once I fell asleep this weird ass nightmare began with that happy place upstairs. You must represent Hell.”

Exhausted from my tirade I sat down again. Al stared at me then shook his head. He seemed ever so slightly frustrated with me but kept a cool even demeanor. “ I assure you this is not a dream, there is no Hell, and I am real. Well real in the abstract anyway. My look and mannerism are manifestations you created in order to understand better. If you saw what I truly looked like it would as you say, blow your mind. Listen JT you were not living in the information age, the true information age began long ago and what you are in is more of an information overload age. Your concept of time isn’t completely accurate so I don’t expect you’ll understand that, but I will explain as much as I can for you. You are not even living at all anymore but that’s beside the point. Because I have grown fond of your species I try to at least satisfy the driving force of questioning that exemplifies you. You think you have acquired so much information you can just will all you have learned in a dream? That my dear boy is what you call bullshit. You haven’t. Stay seated my boy because I am about to tell you things about dreams and information that will challenge almost everything you think you know. Your species reaching this far is somewhat of an anomaly and does not happen often. It was a series of bizarre and incredible coincidences that got your species to where it is and that’s why your kind fascinate me so much. Put on your safe body fastening strap because your in for an uneven terrain traveling destination.” I did remain seated, and began to worry. “Okay Al, I’m ready, bring on the bumpy ride.

TBC-The Real Information Age

 

Powdered therapy

powder

 

Blankly she gazed my way

Eyes two hundred years old

Ancient and weathered

Hollow but hopeful

Just one more shot

We’ll kick tomorrow

This time we promised

Again

But we knew the truth

Because every day we wake up

Its just the same as every yesterday

A purposeless life stuck on repeat

Walking in endless circles

We know exactly what we will do

Even sex has become mundane

Stuck in our own tracks

 

 

A numbing life of monotony

Overloaded with mediocrity

Every fucking day seems the same to me

The two of us in powder therapy

And we just sit back and let it all be

Wondering aloud when we gonna OD

 

 

Still we hide behind our solution

Our addiction merely our masks

To escape detection from the world

So all the hurt each day possesses

Can remain locked away until dark

Until the latch of aguish comes undone

Again

The familiar routine comes around

But the hurt never stays forever

It fades and disappears in therapy

Frantically we seek our appointment

Whatever it takes to get through

Spears poised to  pierce our skin

Fill our veins with delirium soaked blood

Leaving evidence of their constant visits

Deeply etched in little red lines we hide

Soul tattoos that we wear on our arms

The tracks of our tears

 

 

A numbing life of monotony

Overloaded with mediocrity

Every fucking day seems the same to me

The two of us high on powder therapy

And we just sit back and let it all be

Wondering aloud

Who’ll be the first to OD

 

In a dingy room sit’s a candle flickering discreet

Two lonely lives stagnate between flesh and dust

A spoonful of sugar helps the pony downtown

To be buried side by side with our long lost lust

 

Wrapped in each others arms we nod through the night

And promise that tomorrow we’ll get ourselves right

Again

 

 

The roadmap to addition is full of pathways and routes but how and why one got there matters not to anyone who’s addicted. Sometimes its just for kix but far more often its for therapy. Therapy through drugs first blocks the physical pain sensors but you soon learn it also blocks the emotional pain sensors. Self hatred, guilt, emotional emptiness are a few fast highway lanes to addition because this therapy makes all those pains disappear. Perhaps only for a few hours but sometimes even a few hours of relief can seem like a life-line.Just about everyone knows of someone who has died from addiction. Addicts can be very convincing, even to themselves. Don’t enable and don’t give up on them. If someone you care about heads down that road you need to be strong, stronger than you think possible. Love, compassion and consistency are what they may need most.

Live and Love in Peace

 

 

Dispossessed

dispossessed

 

I love music but I am far from what you Call musically inclined. I couldn’t read a note of music even if it were played on Rosetta Stone. I always pounded my own drum to my own off beat and even in the shower my singing voice is atrocious. I couldn’t carry a tune in a wheel barrel. But be that as it may from time to time an interlude of sounds takes up space in my brain and pleads me to give it words. I’m far from a songwriter, but not being something has never stopped me from deluding myself so I wrote the words.

 

Dispossessed

 

 

Four course dinner

A movie a dance

While little children waste away

Hoping for a chance

To earn a piece of bread

Wash the pains away

Praying for some silence

When the bombs begin to play

Smart car- cell phone -flatscreen scene

Blindfolded luxuries

To watch a movie and not see

The homeless refugees

 

 

We’ll never change the world if all we do is justify

We’ll never change ourselves if we believe we’re satisfied

Don’t hide behind complacency of nothing can be done

Don’t shake your head but shake your fist until the peace has won

 

 

Bomber jets fly overhead

Then circle to come back

And drop destruction on the land

A civilian home attack

Family lives being shattered

Don’t even know if the children live

Chemicals fill in the cracks of life

Somethings got to give

Get those rockets in the air

Limbless children blood and gore

Close our eyes so we cant see

Families dispossessed by war

 

We’ll never change the world if all we do is justify

We’ll never change ourselves if we believe we’re satisfied

Don’t hide behind complacency of nothing more can be done

Don’t shake your head but shake your fist cause war is never won

 

 

Eighty year old in Ukraine

Lost her house today

Lived in it her whole damn life

Until a war blew it away

With a fifty year old crippled son

Alone in the forest hear them cry

Hold each other tight and pray

That sometime soon they’ll die

But I gotta go to yoga class

And I gotta buy some wine

Then turn on my favorite TV show

O I can try to justify

 

Don’t glorify or justify

Just open your heart and unify

Tome to give real peace a try

Yet still the war machines roll on

Fuck political camp-pains

Use the donations for starvation

Because if we continue on medication

Our world will spin in indignation

And we will continue to build destruction

And we will continue to create deconstrution

Because murder can be a tax deduction

Fuck it, I’m done with my rap Y’all

Peace out, right on

Live and love in peace

 

Oh Mega Where Is My Alpha

after

 

Part 1..  The Beginning Of The End

by J.T. Hilltop

 

We all do it. Each of us wonders what will happen to us after we die. Once we pass our use by date do we get recycled, start again as someone new? Are we limited to the option of floating on clouds with wings and a harp or burning forever with the evilest most vile horned creature from under our childhood beds? Is it another step toward reaching our Nirvana? Or do we just cease existing altogether? Well this is the story of the very day I found my answer. This is the story of my afterlife experience…….

 

 

 

I

“Sir do you want fries with that?” Mmmm, fries. “Why yes indeed my young friend, supersize me with an extra large, I deserve a break today.” Of course I wanted a break it was on of those time I felt the need, no an entitlement to splurge a little and pay my homage to the demons of my poor life choices. A really rough week was how I justified having that humongous cholesterol popping double bacon cheeseburger and free fatty acid dripping fries laden with sodium on my fateful night. And anyways, what the Hell. I’m all for freeing fatty acids and cheeseburgers come in second only to double cheese and pepperoni covered pizza. Holy guacamole what a tasty burger, better than a Kahuna burger although honestly I never really had one of those. I was having a bacon burger Royall that just begged for a can of Fosters Ale. The huge oil can of Aussie malts and hops with a jumbo half pound of grease splattering all meat hamburger topped with six slices of sodium laced fat filled hickory smoked bacon and four slices of lactose laden sharp cheddar cheese. All on this delicious sesame seed bun with “secret sauce”. It was the cholesterol lovers special, a sacrificial lamb to the great prophet Angina, patron saint of clogged arteries. It was oh so delicious going down and man oh man it just melted away the stress giving me that all warm and fuzzy feeling in my stomach.. The grease spots on my bag of extra large fries advertised an accompaniment of deep fried deliciousness. This meal was an orgasm and a half for my taste buds who were merrily dancing with reckless abandon all over my mouth. I’m telling you brothers and sisters, when you have the three B’s, life is good. Beer, bacon, and burgers. Collectively they make everything feel all tingly and giddy but as I would soon find out this particular evening that tingling was much more than the usual comfort food rumblings. All that warm and fuzzy tingling on the inside was actually a war erupting deep in my entrails and not a jovial taste bud drum circle producing the happy tango in my belly

Unbeknownst to yours truly there was an acidic uprising throughout my gastric battlefields. The war of the small and large intestines was fully engaged and acids were bouncing and flying around everywhere. An all out acid attack was underway which was bad enough, but even worse, in cardiac central a shock and awe campaign was in full flight. While the intestines battled it out they sent waves of nausea up through the esophagus in a campaign to create a reflux warning. Tossing and turning, tumbling and churning, the gastro intestinal system did its best to raise the threat level to red and wake me up. But the four oversized cans of Aussie brain fuel combined with the large glass of boxed wine had seen to it that nothing short of an absolute hydrogen explosion or an atomic uprising would wake me from my comatose sleep. The battle ensued and intensified through the evening as much of the fat from the bacon, cheese, and hamburger had forced their way past the intestine walls and into the already weak liver. There it jumped on the hemoglobin transport and took the main artery directly to first coronary quadrant. The transport emptied exactly where the cholesterol had been preparing for its moment. The bad cholesterol, the axis of evil in the digestive tract had been planning for this event over the years, setting up roadblocks all along the arteries to prevent supplies from passing through to reach the life center. If it can cut off all paths to the heart an prevent the flow of life giving liquids to blood pumping center the evil cholesterol will be declared the winner! The blood supply line was doing its best to bring humanitarian supplies to the heart, but this huge bacon cheeseburger gave cholesterol just the advantage it needed to create a proper blockage. Now it can shut down its opponent forever. Without blood flow and the alcohol sedation it was just a matter of time. My time. That’s right my good friends your narrators time had run out. Sad to say not a victim of some heinous crime, not dead from a car accident, not an overdose of illicit joy enhancers, not even a natural disaster for me to blame for my demise. Only thing to blame was the man in the mirror, the man who knew damn well that all those poor choices would one day take their toll and this was the day. In the end I guess I’m glad I was asleep at the time because I never saw it coming, but stay tuned because what follows death is the real reason I’m here now.

This was my final dance, my last call. The beer and wine combo platter successfully masked the sensation of having a massive heart attack but not the reality. I woke from my sleep, or that is I thought I woke, but I wasn’t really awake. It was a surreal state. My eyesight was strained kinda like I was looking through the thick lens of a calculus student. Not so much blurry as if I was seeing ten dimensions and they overlapped causing an almost fractured view of the world. But what world? I mean like where the fuck am I? Okay think back, whats the last thing I remember? A ton of cholesterol laden bricks fell on my head! I had a heart attack! This is it! I must be dead. I guessed I was gonna find out that what happens after death is you walk around confused, like some lame ass ghost.

I had finally started to put it together. Yep, I’m dead as a doornail yet I can still think. Is this that phenomenon of life after death? I can see my body but I cant feel anything so why am I still thinking? What am I here for? I took stock of the room. The walls seemed almost oval and I felt encased in water or some warm liquid yet I’m breathing normally. Some kind of joke or something? I’m back in the womb? No, its not that, I’m not being reborn but I see a kind of tunnel to the right, and a stairwell to the left. Could this be my final decision? Was I completely wrong about God and all the mystery surrounding him or her? Am I stuck between heaven an hell? The tunnel like thing is sorta dark so that must be hell, and the stairwell is lit up at the top so that must be my stairway to heaven. Okay JT, time to choose. One glance down the tunnel revealed absolutely nothing but darkness so the decision was pretty easy. Up the stairwell I go to where all that glitters is gold.

I ascended the steps but I couldn’t feel my feet. Actually I didn’t so much walk as I sorta floated up the steps slowly, one at a time. The tension was building. I was anxious to see what was at the top. When I arrived there was a beautiful image looking at me and straight away I could somehow tell she knew everything about me. I knew instinctively that if I were going to plead my case this was the time and she was the person. Time to get pro-active.

“I made some pretty bad decisions, didn’t I?” She looked at me knowingly and shook her head. In the most soothing voice she said, “Yes JT, you have made some very poor choices which caused undue harm to people who did not deserve it. On the other hand you have helped out a great many of people as well.” Hope rose up in my throat like magma burning to escape. “That’s true, I did, I helped so many people in many ways. I know I made some mistakes but I did a lot of good too. Right?” I can’t be sure but I think I was breathing hard. If I was even breathing at all. She smiled and it lit her face up. I got a closer look. Her hair was light brown and hung around her face in slight curls. So thick and full her locks were billows of blustery clouds. Her face was perfectly round and beautiful. Somehow she looked like every girl and woman I have ever known. Slightly raised sleek forehead one moment, perfectly flat and silky smooth the next. Her face was absolutely wrinkle free and she had a nose that epitomized the button mushroom one second then jutted out regally the next. It was quite disconcerting and confusing. By far the most intriguing and alluring part of her face were her eyes. I was peering directly into two mirrors aflame with a fire of compassion and burning with life. Her thin warm lips did not move so I assumed it were those reflective orbs that spoke directly to my soul. “You know JT, it had taken you many a year to learn the preciousness of life and you have been so very honorable to so many, yet you did not take much care of your own well being.” I knew she was right, I have a long history of various forms of self medication and self abuse, I didn’t get check ups regularly nor tests when they were suggested, I ate and drank many things I knew were not good for me, and overall took little care of the maintenance of my body outside of daily personal hygiene. “True that Ms. Spirit, I have put others ahead of myself but isn’t that a good thing? I mean, I cared for many others and not taking care of myself was more or less a well deserved self punishment right? How many times did I figuratively give someone the shirt off my back, even when I had so little? You know, “Those who have little give everything and take nothing“ or something like that. I’m paraphrasing here but it is true, I forsook of myself so that others may benefit from my deeds.” I closed my eyes so she couldn’t see my fear, but of course she’s not human so I have no idea if she even sees at all. “That’s what we’re here to decide JT, whether or not your deeds and attributes outweigh your mistakes and earned you the right to hear the truth.” I looked right into those all seeing disks, “I have tried to make amends for all the stupid things I have done. I have given much of myself and here it is, the end. This is how it works? You choose who is worthy of going on and……and what happen to the rest, what is the fate if you decide they are unworthy? Are you God?”. Again the smile which by this time was actually beginning to piss me off with its somewhat condescending sneer. A belly laugh from this female god faker seemed almost evil and my mood was changing rapidly. Was she laughing at me? “It doesn’t matter who I am JT, and as for you the decision was made long ago by you. I’m not real because you created me JT, I am a sort of collage of lives that have been central to yours. Do you see your mother in me? I know you do, they all do.” Now anger was rapidly being replaced by confusion. What the hell does she want from me? I created her, are you serious? But here it was, an image I apparently conjured up from people I love or loved and it’s already been decided what my fate will be.

“So what happens now?” My spidey senses were tingling, or I think they were, not really sure of anything anymore. “Now its time for you to go see the creator.” She said it so matter of fact and nonchalant. Her words hung around like a morning mist lingering the mountaintops waiting for the sun burn away the fog. I hoped she was preparing to shine a clearing light of knowledge. But the words themselves betrayed and threatened all my beliefs. Thoughts swirling in a vortex of confusion I uttered the most appropriate response I could muster with what little strength I had. “ You mean God?” I just stared at the woman I had begun to think might be God and she smiled that so familiar smile that seemed to warm my soul and put me at ease. I couldn’t move or talk, could only observe. “Relax JT, its nothing to be alarmed of. There is no one God as you have been taught. You are God, and I am God. Trees and bees and lions and tigers and bears are God. Everything you have ever loved is God. You are not meeting God you are going to see the truth. The creator has the truth JT, and the truth has been waiting for you. It’s time for you to hear the truth. Go now to the bottom of the staircase. Your time is at hand”

 

Cruel Trick Of Nature

old

 

One day you’re playing and running in the wind and then you blink. Now you have a job, a family, and it’s your own kids playing in the playgrounds of innocence. Then you blink again and your children are having children. After so much time has passed in what seems like a heartbeat you realize you understand much too late what all should understand. The playground is unfamiliar and too painful to negotiate. What a cruel trick of nature to give us knowledge long after we can use it to our benefit.

 

 

 

What kind of a trick is this? Mother natures practical joke. She can be so ironic it hurts to laugh

 

I try so hard to remember

Things I wish I could forget

Such a rotten cruel trick of nature

Leaving me to always drowning

In a pool of self regret

Treading but not sinking

Swimming without thinking

Floating without the passions of youth

The closer to death the more the wisdom

The lessons now so clear

Seemed so hard to reach

Once so damn far way

The washed up on my beach

And now when reason calls me

Much too tired to give the answer

What a cruel cruel trick she has

Mother Nature the necromancer

 

 

 

She leaves me a reminder

There in my playground

The scene forming behind her

Ghosts of lovers lay undisturbed

Pacing curiously

To where the past seems so absurd

That cruel trick of nature

Making us get old

With eyesight challenged through wisdom

I have the right answers

I see clearly through my prism

Left with out an alibi

Just a useless euphemism

What a cruel trick

 

One Long Moment

one long

 

Fables and folklore are memories, stories told over time until they become forgotten truths. One day I asked my Mom if all stories are true, like the story of Jesus or Moses or Ulysses. I asked her if I would become nothing more than a distant memory, a distant truth remembered, the story of me. She smiled and answered me, “What are each of us but a story anyway my love? Don’t tell it…..live it.” And I have every day since

 

We gazed in unison when Aurora smiled down

The warm solar wind nods a knowing wink

United hand in hand with my first love at my side

We strolled the stars in amorous radiance

Oh those day we owned the evening

The sunrise ours to rent

But he glorious sunset was ours to hold to our hearts

While It’s opulence glistened in homage to our love

Showering us in confidence from her kaleidoscope beacon

Our tender union now budding and ready for harvest

The seeds of true love scattered amongst the night sky

 

Enraptured we strode abreast between giant boulders

Forged to admire from the days of ice

Time and age chiseled our names in ancient rock

As the boulders let loose stony tears of stories gone by

A history embalmed with the beauty of life

Shed in honor of two young lovers

Striding together awestruck in it’s majesty

Etching moments for us to share the rest of our lives

At the table of Gods we tasted the Meade

Dripped moments of delirium into our laps

The first breath of life of newborn souls

And times last breath

Together we pledged love to sunsets and mountains

 

 

But sunsets and mountains can’t love you back

Not even their omnipotent grandeur will glow eternal

Every tale has its beginning and every beginning its end

Littered with moments of time in shards of emotion

So time is all that we have left from our love

Fragile time destined to become tales of the past

But for now our time is eternal

Our moments to hold onto forever

 

 

No matter how thin the threads of time moments are ours to count on. Whether a series of moments or just one long moment they are there for us. And when ever we need our moments the most, that’s when our moments seem to last forever.

 

 

 

The Book Of Truths As Told Through Whispers

whispers

 

 

Far too many sun ups have passed me by

On clouds of melancholy mist

Truth abandoned in the fog of words

Clouded memories lost or forgotten

To become fairy tales and folklore

History casts an ominous shadow

Ghost bones begin to rattle a beat

Softly the voice of Satan coaxed

Whispering gossip from the time beginning

Come and see Lord what we have made thee

 

What hath our religion become?

Murmurs of behavioral reason

Treat those as thy would thyself

Unless they are considered less

Abominations in the eyes of ourselves

What can’t be defined we must condemn

Before it reveals us for what we truly are

Babes swaddled in the cloth of hypocrisy

Eyes unable to see yet fit to judge at will

Sanctimonious visions of how life exists

 

Whispers written in a book called truth

Scribed from the days of opulent lies

The rules of life with answers so simple

Yet too complex to include the disparate

Designed to assuage the guilt of our conscience

In the name of all we have yet to understand

So soothing to bathe once in a week

In the baptismal waters of deceptions

Reading but not following his rules of conduct

The holy book of truth as told through whispers

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moments Of Time And Thoughts About Reincarnations

The Buddhist wheel of life showing numerous stages of reincarnation
The Buddhist wheel of life showing numerous stages of reincarnation

 

 

(A convivial wandering through Existential and Absurdist delusions)

 

Moments in time are snapshots of cosmic grandeur stored in the corridors of our past. If we dare to pace the hallways with our ghosts we need be prepared for the unexpected be it wraith, phantom, or merely a shadow. The hope is of course that time itself will hold still and allow us to share a treasured vision of comfort through the crevice of our memories. But maybe you think some of those stored memories are from the moments of a previous life. Some of your memories seem like they’re not yours at all. Far too often what becomes revealed when we tread too deep into philosophies of life and death down our corridors of reflection an unclear picture leaves us more confused than content. Ghosts talk in a strange language.

 

Went to see the blind man

Upon the mountains crest

Came across no man of vision

Just a buzzard at his nest

Disdainful perched and grinning

Bird of opportunity and prey

Screeched a baneful warning

Told me to walk the fuck away

Although the Buzzard scared me

Sent the blood up to my head

I stared right down his beak

And this is what I said

I came here in search of my moments

Scraps of time which are mine to own

It’s the sage that I thought would have them

Instead some buzzard sits at his throne

This made my buzzard angry

To be spoken to in verse

He scoffed at me disdainfully

As though I were perverse

But I came to see the wise one

The sighted blind old sage

You shouldn’t be free to mock me

With one foot stuck in your cage

At that very moment The Blind Man stepped out from a shadow

Its not with eyes you see your soul

Nor is it with ears you hear your song

If you think those moments are yours alone

My son you’ve got it wrong

You came to ask some questions

On life and what comes next

But that not why you’ve really come here

With you brain all pumped and flexed

So tell me then why you have come

I took a toke and pondered before I replied

Why do I stand here all alone

In a world of ashes and dust

That grows nothing but rain

Leaving everything in rust

Then I let myself speak free of silly verse

Why do I sometimes I feel sad

Yet cant remember why

Tears well in my eyes without reason

I wonder why do I cry

Remembering moments that don’t belong to me

Is it past me’s who make me sigh

Or have I simply forgotten

Are the me’s who live inside before

The ones who had to die

So I could be who I am

Are they the reason I cry

In way of firm reply the Blind Man laughed

Are you high?!

What you feel is normal

That’s your compassion through time

You really have no clue why you came

The mystery you seek is what is time

The greatest mystery of forever

Time is a complex set of gears all turning at the same time

Those moments you claim are just a small part

And everyone’s times overlap and intersect

Increments of distress or patches of pleasure

Your choice

But whatever you do don’t let time pass you by

While you stare and wonder why

Accept and live

Remember

Make the best of all you have

You won’t get it back because time cannot be given back

Nor can it be owned

It doesn’t belong to any of you

 

 

 

 

My thoughts began to course through me

Leaving understanding in my wake

Somt things we should never know

Just appreciate

Because all we will leave behind

Is moments for the ones we love

And we should make those moments real

 

The Blind man called to the Buzzard it’s time to go

The Buzzard winked at me before he left

Be careful of the truths you seek

Some truths come straight from Hell

Both of us can stab you with your very moments

Life is wheel which never stops

Then he laughed and sang me a verse

“The wheel is turning and it won’t slow down

You can’t let go and you can’t hold on

You can’t go back and you can’t stand still

If the buzzard don’t get you then the blind man will”**

The Blind man laughed as the Buzzard flew away and motioned me to look in his eyes. “ You don’t need these to see truths you need only yourself. You say you are searching for your moments but no one owns their moments they are meant to come and go. Every moment is shared and becomes the past mere seconds after they happen. What you seek is the purpose of your moments and your answer to past lives. Reincarnation is a punishment my son. Forced to repeat over and over isn’t some grand gesture on the Karmic Wheel, its what some theologians would call limbo. Your moments are meant to be enjoyed so if you missed the enjoyment you are doomed to repeat it until you learn to appreciate the moment. When that happens, you will shed your eyes as the will no longer be necessary. All I’m saying my son is….Stop searching for what’s not there because while your searching those moments are passing you by.”

Disclaimer… The trippyness of this text is a combination of a philosophical self search combined with some misheard lyrics.** Robert Hinter tune The Wheel performed by Jerry Garcia** Upon hearing this song under the influence of mind altering enhancements my peyote challenged ears misheard “If the buzzard don’t get you then the blind man will” Instead of thunder and lighting. At the time I never questioned the validity of such Dr Seuss like lyrics but accepted that they made sense in some Pablo Picasso sort of way. Once hearing the song under less foggy circumstances my first thought was well shit, that would make a good line anyway. It took me over 30 years to work in to a story. Peace

 

 

Brain Flu/The Hunt/Our Secret

failure

 

A dark tour inside the mind of a troubled homicidal fragile mind. Enter at your own risk

 

Voices keep on taunting me

I can feel the corrosion

My brain is melting

Or is it the flu

No one else hears their threats

Conversations I cannot share

Secrets I don’t want to keep

Which voice is the real voice

Constant fighting in my head

Like a caged in cranium fight

Everyone just laughs at me

Whispering Kyle is insane

They won’t get away with that

We’ll make them pay

We need to inflict some pain

I’m gonna go out and kill tonight

Someone has to die

Gotta go find a thrill tonight

Gonna get my high

Just one thing I need to know

Not who or what or how

Only thing I need understand

Is who the fuck is talking now

Is that me or my mental shadow

 

Someone is after us its time to act

Listen Kyle no time to relax

Relax is what they want from you

Don’t sit in silence as you brood

Time to do it now time to act

You can do it

Act Kyle ACT!

They hate you -hit you- hurt you

They laugh when you cry

Make them pay the little bitches

Somebody has to die

Do it Kyle, go on and do it!

Make their blood flow red

They don’t care about you Kyle

They only want you dead

No Kyle please don’t listen

He’s not real

Don’t listen to his crap

Just get back in bed

It’s only a voice inside your head

He’s the one who wants you dead

Listen to me

He’s not real

He’s just a voice

I’m not Kyle, I’m the real you

Come on Kyle you have a choice

Please Kyle Please take your pill

He only wants to see you fall

Not real? I’m not real? Of course I’m real

We’re all fucking real Kyle

Each of us a part of you

Get your knife Kyle

It’s time

Lets get another trophy

It’s the only way to relieve your pain

The warm flow of blood through our hands

The same as last week Kyle, remember

Remember that night?

The Hunt

The night air quickly darkened so eerily uneasy

A stranger treads cautious along a tree lined path

My footsteps in the shadow pursuing relentless

Tapping out a caution of my oncoming wrath

Heart pounding out a warning-imminent danger

Perhaps a case of him in wrong place wrong time

In paranoia I sense the pace of his stride quicken

His destiny is to fall victim of my ominous crime

We all insist upon closing up the gap

Innocent blood about to face a stalkers fate

He shouldn’t have traveled alone down here

What’s done is done and now its just too late

The hunter is gaining quick and precious ground

Seconds seem to tick in heart pounding silence

Feeling the motion from a pair of subversive arms

Poised to unleash a world of bloody violence

A steel blade is cold against his quivering skin

Rip the flesh to change the icy chill to a burn

Warm streams of life trickle out from his neck

Sanguine copper taste making his stomach churn

He can sense ultimate glee as I shred through a vein

Can almost feel my maniacal menacing smile

Now my heart is a racing even faster than his

He can’t shout with a voice exiled in denial

Warm streams of plasma pour down his neck

Oozing out the essence with beats of his heart

Pumping to the rhythms of a dying collective

But its the sheer panic that really rips him apart

His breath hot and laborious sprays over my face

I posed him for my psychotic viewing pleasure

With his wild eyed empty meaningless pseudo smile

Watching his life run out is my reward and treasure

As he falls to the ground no muscles come to his aid

His abandoned body crumples straight into submission

I feel ounces of vitality pooling out of both his eyes

As I prepare myself for our ultimate transition

My mind is as blurry as the streaking in his eyes

Waiting for his life to go flashing across the sky

But I lay here stagnant as hope bleeds through

Nothing he can do but accept he’s gonna die

He feels nothing now all his pain and panic gone

He has no idea that I’m his murderous creep

I have no time to think about his worthless life

Its…time…for…him…to…..sleep

 

Our Secret

Time to do it again Kyle

We can help you kill

Its time to be a man

Get angry Kyle get good and mad

Let go Kyle let’s kill someone

It’ll stop that feeling

It’ll make you strong

Forget the others

They don’t care Kyle

They don’t give a shit

They’ll kill you Kyle I swear they will

But we’ll have none of it

Time to fight, go ahead Kyle

Go and get our knife

Get it now before you cave

Get it now its blood you crave

They won’t be laughing from their graves

Kill Kyle kill

No please Kyle no don’t get the knife

Slow down and everything will be okay

Go back to bed get some sleep

Tomorrow’s another day

Don’t listen to him Kyle

He’s a chicken and a wimp

But he does have one point

Tomorrow Kyle IS another day

Another day to disappoint

Another day of taunting

Another day of shame

Another day of you being worthless

Another day to make you sweat

Like its some fucking game

More laughing behind your back

Get the knife Kyle get the shiny glowing steel

Get it now

End their attacks

Remember Alice was yours

Alice was in your bed until

Remember Alice with someone else

She fucked another man Kyle

Get the knife

STOP!

No more! My head hurts! Oh my Go it hurts so much!

Shut up! Shut up! Leave me alone!

Shut up all of you – just shut up!

Leave me alone please leave me alone. Get out of my mind

Someone please make them shut up make them stop!

Why do you guys all want to hurt me too?

What’d I ever do?

My heads all twisted my nerves are shot

I hate you all the entire lot

Why are these voice in my head

What am I to do?

Everyone keeps pushing me

I wish this shit was through

Yelling pushing shoving pounding

Hurting my head

It feels like acid burning inside

Get out of here go away all of you

I wish I was dead

Then again, maybe you’re right

It all makes sense now Alice laughs

But the fault is hers

She laughs when I feel hurt

Maybe she’ll be happy

With blood dripping from her soft neck

The silken neck that was mine to kiss

I’ll kill that wretched bitch and her new friend

There’ll be many deaths

Before the evenings through

But what would Mom say?

She’d want me back on my meds

Maybe I should take the pill

The one that makes me numb

That takes away the inner me

And leaves me feeling dumb

At least it makes the voices leave

For better or for worse

Plus one more night without the need

Of leaving in a hearse

Brain is hot, minds all sweaty

Voices start to muffle

Hope this brain flu ends on the med train

The Thorazine shuffle

So many voices

But who am?

Who are they?

Which one is Kyle?

Maybe it’s better if no one ever knows

G’nite Kyle

G’nite Kyle

G’nite Kyle

G’nite Kyle

……………..G’nite guys, let’s just keep this our little secret, yea?