There’s A bee In My Easter Bonnet

Easter Time
Move over St. Patty, Easter bunny time is here. Sorry your Saintship, but that’s the way that time rolls. Time answers to no one. Time just keeps rolling along at its own pace. It can take its sweet ass time, go fast as hell (although no recorded document on hell’s speed exists as far as I know), or it can keep on slipping, slipping, slipping, into the future. Time can run out or heal all my wounds. The time is now so there’s no time like the present to ramble about how time is passing me by. It seems like only yesterday, or the day before, I was rambling about bagpipes, corned beef, green colored beer and shamrock shakes. But here I am now, prepared to talk about the mysteries of the next holiday, Easter. Ah yes finally. Sorry it took so much time to get to my point. But here we are, looking down the rabbit hole waiting on the Eater bunny to leave us some treats. We don’t have egg hunts here in my house, we have cupcake hunts. We dip our cupcakes in water, vinegar, and various food colors the night before and…I really shouldn’t lie just for a cheap cupcake promotion but chocolate bunnies, jelly beans, and robins eggs have had their day in the sun and its time for some new traditions. New ideas, new treats. What better than a cupcake?
Yea baby, that’s what I’m talkin’ bout. A giant rabbit carrying a big basket filled with delicious cupcakes. Or maybe a giant hamster. Move over Mr. Bunny. Of course I can’t just leave it there, especially after taking up so much of your time rambling about time. I think its about time I get to the point of Easter, or more specifically why the bunnies and eggs possess such dominance over the holiday making cupcakes seemingly insignificant on Easter morning.
It all started with Pliny the Elder, who was born way back in 23AD Ah yes, the not so roaring 20’s as it was known back then. Pliny was a brilliant Roman philosopher who somehow convinced the Roman Church that hares were hermaphrodites, and thereby capable of giving virginal birth. This lifted the rabbit to the status of worship along with The Virgin Mary. Maybe not quite on par with Mary but slower than a racing tortoise our bunny crept into popular iconogy in the church. Mr. Rabbit attained important distinction in both Catholic arts and literatures. Pliny reached into his magic hat and pulled out a religious artifact of a rabbit. This then is the story of how the rabbit became so revered. But why chocolate bunnies?
To the best o our knowledge the first edible celebration of a rabbit which doesn’t entail using an actual dead rabbit was in Germany. A baked pastry confection shaped as Peter Cottontail was created in the early 1800’s and the families would hide the treat in nests around the home. In the morning the young Das Wunderkinds would find and delightfully consume the sweet tasting rabbit. Leave it to Americans to find a way to turn it into a money maker. Around 1842 Whitman (No not Walt the poet, Stephen the one famous for chocolate samplers) came out with the first molded chocolate bunny and by the early 1900’s many other chocolatiers joined in the fun and began mass producing the chocolate hoppless hares. Today the Easter Bunny has reached the upper echelon of childhood magic along with a hippie looking Santa Claus and an absolutely scrumptious flying tooth fairy. The chocolate bunny was brought to life and credited with stalking young kids, breaching the security of their homes, and instead of removing stuff leaving a basket filled with candies and other treats. In the 1950’s Hugh Hefner would create a new mystique for the bunny that would create adolescent confusion, but that’s a topic for another day.
So that’s the bunny story. I see no reason at all for the lapidary legend to be bearing cupcakes instead of candy. But the old school long eared acceptable rodent is not famous for brining cupcakes, it carries candy and day-glo colored eggs. Well mine did, but that’s the hippie version. Other less hip hopping hares brought pastel colored hard cooked eggs. Eggs? WTF?? Eggs you see are a symbol of fertility. Exactly what makes that appropriate for children is somewhat perplexing. Hey kids, I brought you a treat, it’s a symbol of fertility! But don’t eat too many eggs or you may go blind!. Colored eggs my ass! The coloring it seems represent the colors of spring. We buy colored egg kits to honor the Spring. That or its another merchandising scam. So I will happily adjust the colors of my cupcakes to be more “Springy” if that’s what it takes. Hermaphrodite hares and fertile colored eggs? Maybe better to think this through a bit. I mean really, don’t tell kids that rabbits lay eggs and hatch chickens, they’re scarred enough from the whole both gender fertility thing. Tell them the Eater Bunny puts on an apron and bakes colored cupcakes. Makes sense to me! It even seems more politically correct than a bi-species unmarried couple hinting to kids about fertility. Besides, it’s about time!
Did I really try and tie this whole crazy scenario up in a bow of time quips? Of course, I do shit like this all the time. Why? Because time waits for no man and yet time is of the essence. Ti-i-i-me is on my side, yes it is. Time has come today, so there’s no time like the present to bid you safe journeys and shared love. But please give cupcakes their morning in the Easter sun this year and buck tradition. Oh, and keep the jelly beans, cuz they friggen rock!…………………….Peace…(Until next time)

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