A Santa Conspiracy?? STFU (no really, stfu!)
I’m a LIAR. That’s right, I’m a bold faced liar. Not compulsive or pathologic, but a liar none the less. But fuck it man, so are you. In fact every one reading this is a liar. In fact everyone NOT reading this is a liar. Oh you can pretend you’re not a liar if you want but then you’ll just be lying to yourself. We are born liars one and all. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t mean we’re not honest, indeed many of us most hopefully are as honest and sincere as the day is long. But truth be told we all engage in non truth and that’s no lie.
We actually believe firmly in lies. Don’t believe me? Tell the 4 year old child of Christian parents that there is no Santa Claus and tell me if they don’t act like you shoved a razor sharp machete right through the Childs heart, then pulled it out and cut of the parents reproductive organs. That’s how hurt and disturbed they will be. The most cardinal of cardinal sins is breaking the Santa code of lies. Trust me I know because I did that once. Okay, that’s another lie, but it did happen to my son. Well not exactly the Santa thing but close enough. I just embellished the truth a little because the Santa thing sounds so much better. Just embellished a little? LOL. That’s a lie. Here’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
My son is pretty mellow. Maybe not as mellow as his pot smoking old man, but mellow. So I was pretty taken aback when he called me to vent in such an angry and aggressive way. “Hey Pops, I am pissed!” Quite different from the usual “Hey Pops, what the fucks up?” He continued. “Daria’s teacher told her class that there is no such thing as magic.” At first I was somewhat perplexed, telling a six year old that magic can be scientifically explained is part of the learning process. My son would have to put it in perspective for me because it’s been a long time since I had to deal with shit concerning children, at least on this level. Truthfully I’m not sure if I would have engaged in so many of the lies I used with him and his sisters growing up in today’s climate. I cautiously asked what made him so angry about it and perspective is what he gave me…..In an unusually terse voice he replied. “One of Daria’s ( probably the most beautiful grand daughter in the world) teachers told her that magic is not real and there is no magic Kingdom. Now Daria is questioning everything I ever told her. I wanna kick his god damn ass!” His daughter is his “princess” and they live in Orlando where Disney’s Magic Kingdom is an icon. She believes in fairytales and my son and his wife delight in spinning fantasy stories to her, especially ones involving princesses. She believes Dora explores, she believes Bob builds, and she believes she can speak Chinese when she says Ni Hao to Kai-Lan . She even believes she will someday figure out where Carmen Sandiego is. (Not true) At least until the other day. Since that day her world has been shattered. Now she doubts everything.
I must admit I was a bit torn. Being a cynical old fart magic kingdoms and fairy princesses have long lost any scintilla of appeal. We have to tell our kids the truth at some point, but he is right, that should have been my sons decision and not a teachers. I had my perspective. What was that dude thinking? If she doubts magic, who in the hell will she believe in .. believe in hell? Or heaven? I mean, if the stories religions tell us aren’t based on magic than what is? So by extension he was hinting to her that god may not exist, or heaven. After he vented for a long while my son and I went off on philosophical theories about lying. We finally agreed that I lie, he lies, his daughter lies, and the teacher lies.
But what about you liars? Ever hear anyone say to you I never lie? Next time look them directly into their lying eyes and say, “You‘re such a liar. Because like it or not, we all lie. When we say” Tell them I’m not in right now.” “Can you call my boss and tell them I’m sick and can’t come in today?” Give me a brake. I was a chef and I heard all kinds of excuses all the way up to I have scarlet fever, complete with sound effects like wheezing an coughing. You may hear “but those are white lies so it’s okay.”
Are you telling me if we color code our lies it makes some of them permissible? Somehow a white lie sin’t a real lie? Maybe it was a purple lie, or green. No matter, its still a lie. Wait. I didn’t lie, it was just a little fib you say? I’m not a liar I’m a fibber you say” Pu-leeze! We are lied to before we can speak. A spoonful of pureed food coming our way, “here comes an airplane, open the hanger.“ “Look at what the Easter Bunny left you.” “Put your tooth under your pillow and the Tooth Fairy will leave you something.” And of course the ultimate most sacred lie,, Santa Claus. I engaged in this sacred lie myself. I used Santa to make the kids behave, at least for the first 3 weeks of December, and I totally enjoyed watching their faces a they opened up presents with glee an reckless abandon. I marveled at how for the most part siblings play along with scam even when they reach the point of knowing the truth. I had 4 older brothers and nary a one of them betrayed the magic of Santa. So my parents not only taught my brothers to lie, they involve them in a conspiracy to conceal the truth from me. Which must be an extremely strong conspiracy because I can’t imaging how badly the brother closet in age would have enjoyed bursting my magic bubble. So this is my girt to you conspiracy theorists out there. Santa Claus, a deep and far reaching conspiracy that goes back to the 1700’s, before Kennedy, before Roswell, even before the Lincoln conspiracy.
Somewhere on a grassy knoll up in the North Pole there was a second elf that fired that evil truth right into the heart of children all across the globe piercing their longstanding belief in the magic of that white hairy bearded man in red pajama’s who, even though looking more like a pedophile than a Saint, was handed millions of young children to hold in his lap. For the promise of being “good” the child would be awarded with a present especially for them. Once they had completely bought into the Great Santa Cabal they were indoctrinated in the ways of the Claus.(A Danish name that translates to Claws in English) When they reach the appropriate age they are given the truth and then sworn to secrecy. If they should tell their younger sibling the truth it would cost them two limbs and an internal organ. Hence the greatest conspiracy in the world has begun. An the new leader of this conspiracy is Daria’s teacher, Mr. Thomas. That’s right Mr. Thomas I am calling you pout here on wordpresss for the world to see. Be afraid, be very afraid Thomas because I’m coming for you. Don’t doubt me Thomas. I will make your life miserable for destroying the dreams of an innocent and once happy child who has been stripped of the one thing she needs. Her Daddy’s trustworthiness.
In the end, to lie is human, to forgive divine. We lie to avoid unpleasant situations, we lie to avoid hurting peoples feelings, and we lie to have our childhood dreams stay alive just a little bit longer. Lies don’t have to hurt, but they can. Choose your lies wisely because the bad ones can come back to bite you in the ass. Honesty is the absence of lies, it’s having the integrity and sincerity to give the proper and necessary information to one who needs it and filter out the unnecessary. That’s the truth!!…………PEACE
A Santa Conspiracy?? STFU (no really, stfu!)