Tag: satire

The Story Of Everything, Final Frontier

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So This Is The Promised Land? Oy Vey, Its So Small

The basic plan was to head into the promised land and kick the shit out of everyone and everything along the way. Early battles with the various tribes of Amorites were just tune up struggles to get into shape for the big battles. After losing quite a few Israelite warriors Joshua decided strategy was their best strength. He would lead troops into the castle of his nemesis Jerry Coe. The strategy he employed was absolute brilliance. He took his army of weary warriors and instead of attacking he marched them around the walls of Jerry Coe’s city for seven days. The people inside watched this mock parade with amusement and bewilderment. In Jerry Coe’s office he sat with his military advisors. “What the fuck are the Juice doing? They have been walking around the wall of my city for days now. Just carrying on around in circles. Should we attack them?” The question was directed at his general, Shah Bashin-Dareheads, first cousin of Caligula. “Well I’ll tellya Jer, if it were up to me I would shoot them all. The only problem is ole Sol here says we have no legal precedent to go by. They haven’t broken any laws.” As they struggled to figure out what to do, ole Sol had an idea. “Hey, you know what guys? We could bust them for not having a parade permit.” Jubilation filled the room as they all schemed to go out an arrest them starting with that bothersome shit Joshua. The jubilation was premature because as they were filling out the proper paperwork, the walls of the city began to collapse with them smack dab in the center. Apparently the Juice were not only marching around but two spy juice had planted explosive devices at strategic locations. While the city was looking on in that bewilderment of theirs the juice spies had been sneaking around setting them up for the explosion. For good measure, Joshua burned down the entire city with everyone in it. Everyone will know who we are now, he boasted! “how so you like me now Jerry Coe?”
That was his brilliant strategy, the roast and boast. Once they tore the walls down it would be straight for Jerusalem. Here was their final frontier, their patch of promised land to keep forever. Years of wandering the deserts, crossing numerous rivers, engaging in hundreds of fatal battles, through gallons of blood sweat and tears the Juice had come to this. Jerusalem, the city of Pea‘s.. The promised land where they could set up their own little Utopia. It was here in this city that Joshua sent word to the Canaanites that this was the land promised them from Yehaw. Not long after the disdainful laughter of the Canaanite began Joshua’s tired yet inspired soldiers attacked and defeated the laughing fools of the city and claimed it for themselves. This then was where they would set up shop. A new city in the cradle of civilization that would forever be remembered and forever be the source of the most disputed piece of realty in history.
So that’s it, that’s my twisted tale of the story of everything. It was my intent to offend everyone possible and I attempted to do it both frequently and relentlessly. If your religion was not offended I apologize. I meant to leave no religion at all to be un-mocked and I tried to blanket many of them because I’m just to fucking lazy to research every friggen religion in the world. Anyway, hope you enjoyed my tale of The Story of Everything and feel free to pass it along from generation to generation. Who knows, two thousand years from now this may be found by aliens and considered Yehaw’s gospel truth. Peace.

Closure For Bigots (Closure Mouths)

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Closure? Yea Okay, I Got Your Closure Right Here!!
There are two groups of bigots I think need closure. First up Political propagandists. Its the new hot button exploited on social medias turning friends into enemies, and allowing too many people to flaunt their ignorance. I’m not talking about people who decide how they feel about an issue based on the merits of the issue. Be proud if you use your own opinion. I’m talking about the ones that take a stand based solely on the fact that its part of either a democratic or republican platform. Then they scour the internet in search of something clever that sounds like what they would say if they had an ounce of creativity in them and post it so the world can see how narrow minded they can truly be. They don’t need to debate because they made their mind up that they are right and nothing will change it. Not even truth.
I mean Jeez man, some people are still talking trash about Clinton, or Regan. That shits long over with man time to deal with today’s issues. Oh my Toto I don’t think we’re in Viet Nam anymore! People screaming about their second amendment rights based solely on the fact that someone who profits by spewing misinformation to ignite fear an anger said Obama is trying to take away our guns. WTF? It comes down to some paperwork to fill out to hopefully limit ownership to responsible users its not an assault on your right to bear arms. Sorta like licenses, registrations, that sort of thing, you know a small inconvenience on your right to drive a car.
If you have issue with something after seriously analyzing all the components fine, then it can be debated. But if you already have your mind made up because you thought someone who exploits fear for a living said something that sounds like it makes sense, try thinking for yourself. A closed mind can’t reason only an open mind can. That sort of closed mined thinking is nothing short of bigotry. Please don’t take a stand because you don’t like a conservative, or a liberal, or because the president is black. Wait what? Black? Surely you think people don’t make choices based on skin color in this ay and age? Think again, racism is just as strong as ever. Political bigots have a field day with Obama because he’s not only liberal, he’s black. If he were a gay woman on top of it they would have the support of the entire bigot nation. No, not everyone who disagrees with Obama does so based on the color of his skin but make no mistake racism is alive an thriving. Even in the country that considers itself so culturally advanced as America. I see mixed race couple in the UK very often and its just as natural as can be but in many areas of America its still viewed a an anomaly an frowned upon. If we’re not careful we could become a society of haters. I hear about gay bashing on a regular basis. When I look at the evidence I don’t see America as such an advanced society, at least not culturally. Whether you’re willing to admit it or not the president has many haters based solely on the fact that he’s black. You can tell who they are, their the ones that say “I’m not racist or anything, but…….” Yea, okay! Disagree with him all you want, but you gotta respect the guy, he’s the prez for gods sake. Which brings me to number two, religion.
You love your religion and you practice it with fervor. Good for you, I applaud that. In fact I do too. I love being an existentialist and I’m very proud of it. Know what I like most about it? Being an existentialist does not require me to try and turn everyone else into one. You won’t see me going door to door to spread the word of existing. I recently heard someone say being a Christian its his duty to spread Christianity. Duty? The entire world needs to convert? Didn’t the Romans try that before they fell? What happened to freedom of religion my patriotic Christian pushing friends? Forcing your beliefs on others isn’t freedom. They preach love one another but not if you’re gay, Muslim, or refuse to thank god for everything in the world. If you’re gay or Muslim you are an abomination. Harsh word for someone who preaches love. Onward christian soldier? Really? Like soldiers they invade a territory they have no business being in to force their beliefs on its tribal peoples. WTF? They scream when one of their “Mercenaries” is captured and expect us to do something about it. What gives any religion the right to force its tenets on anyone else?
Look, I have mad respect for people who believe strongly in their religions. But it’s their religion and its hypocritical to force your belief on anyone else. I have studied many religions alongside people that practice them and it all fascinates me. In the end I choose what to believe so respect my belief if you want me to respect yours. You like to pray? Pray to your hearts content. You want to praise your lord? Go for it. Sing his songs, love the tenets, practice the tenets. But to those who feel they need to come to my door and tell me I don’t know the truth, to those who feel its their duty to alter me to believe the same thing they believe, to those who feel indoctrination of innocent cultures is an acceptable practice, Closure mouth!
That’s right, that’s what those people need, to close their mouths. Political bigots and religious bigots need to shut the fuck up and let people be who they are. Accept them for that and then and only then will you achieve spiritual truth. As long as there is hate in your faith or your politics you are doomed to die a bigot. Using fear tactics to tell me the country is going to be annihilated because I’m ignorant and have been brainwashed by the liberals. Which who gives a fuck anyway because I’m going straight to hell because I’m not a christian. All of you hate filled bigots, heres your closure….Closure mouths unless you have something positive to add to life. Its time for us to make a paradigm shift in the way we think, all of us. Listen to the words of a Rastafarian….”Say you just can’t live that negative way, if ya know what I mean….Make way, for a positive day, cuz it’s a new day, new time, and it’s a new feeling, oh what a new day.” PEACE

Is That A Bazooka In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To Invade My Country?

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War Makes Me Sick
War is a concept of death and destruction that exists so we can exist. Peace is a more desirable concept idealistically but war is essential to human existence for a number of reasons. War lowers populations and creates a plethora of jobs both during the battles and afterwards to rebuild the area’s destroyed. Some say its an economic boost, that’s for the experts but it does level the job hunting fields. War also forces us into making faster technological advances like GPS and drones. Most importantly it pretty much guarantees that our planet will be destroyed forcing us to look for multi planet alternatives, which we will nee eventually anyway. It also serves an ego-maniacal need. War helps asshole leaders overcompensate for their own diminutive sexual weapons by building bigger cannons, bazookas, and missiles.
Its no coincidence that they forge weaponry in the shape of a penis because the country with the biggest dicks in charge are usually the winners. War is historically waged between Alfa male leaders of countries they rule like sheep. They hoist their flags on the largest phallic poles they can find, and it always come down to who can still get it up after the battles are over. The flag that is. The alpha that gets his pole to stand highest in the end wins. Then they can parade their big flags and wave it in everyone else’s face. Of course they don’t do the actual sacrificing, they enlist the use of the less fortunate to lay their lives down. But that helps eliminate poverty so what the fuck, lets kill the poor. That way the leaders will be more than happy to brag about the sacrifices made and condemn any who don’t beam with pride as they wave that big flag someone else defended for in the name of freeom.
Bottom line is that war is a paradox that destroys families, generations, and countries, and spreads diseases. This brings me to my another point about war and human beings. The very second we’re born we are engaged in a war of microorganisms. Today I am suffering from a nasty cold. My head aches, my nose is runny, sore throat, fatigue, the works. Basically I feel like shit. In truth I cannot in good conscience attest to how shit may actually feel but I would guess having to be shit in and of itself would suck big time and that’s how I feel today. Why? Because there is a major war being fought inside my body. Your body is wonderland. A wonderland of microscopic battlefields.
From the day I was born troops set up inside my body and prepared for battle. My immune system employs a defense system poised for attack because relentless microbial warriors strive vigorously to destroy me via viral warfare. These warriors are so advanced they have learned how to mutate to look like the harmless germs in an attempt to sneak in unnoticed. They are able to unscramble complex codes my immune system has in place and enter further into my system to wage assaults on my lungs, my sinus cavities, and if permitted they will enter the hemoglobin hemisphere and cause extreme damage. I can fight this because I adopted my mothers immune system when I was born. The very second my chord was severed and I was on my own hundreds of thousands of micro-organisms began looking for a biologic bivouac in which to wave their tiniest of tiny flags. Just my luck a host of overcompensating microbes looking to impress. That’s why my Mom equipped me with her with anti-bodies, so when these aggressive nano dicks begin their assault on my newborn biological battlefield I could counter attack with a swift and certain response. But the biological war wage on without end and one day this week the bastards planned a sneak attack and sucker punched my ass good!
I have always been a man of peace, believed in the doctrines of Saint John Lennon and Saint Robert Marley and despite my size (no not my flag, I mean my actual size, 6’4”) I don’t believe in violence. And despite the fact I believe war is a necessary function of survival I will not now and would never have engaged in a war myself. I am an existentialist and as such believe in the live and let live law of nature, not the follow me or die laws of organized religion which in truth is the main instigator of wars. I am however taking up arms against the current war, or conflict if we are being literal, inside my body. I’m enlisting some mercenaries to fight the good fight in the form of either Zicam, Robitussin, or Mucinex… War really is unhealthy for children and other living things…….PEACE

Sleepless In New York (You Had Me At Gunpoint)

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What’s a nice gun like you doing in a place like this?
A writer is often called upon to take a memory that they’d prefer to leave full of cobwebs hidden away in the memory attic and bring it back to life for retelling. I’m told its therapeutic but truthfully I fear it may be the proverbial camel breaking straw that may release my inner serial killer. Maybe that’s harsh, more the harmless psychopath that dwells locked in the caverns of my id. But for the sake of art I will lurch head first into the darker depths of my era of depression an relive this horror in words. No, not THE depression, I’m not THAT old, my depression, the confused, self medicating years of my youth spent in the absence of light. I have a somewhat sordid past to begin with so there is the possibility this is a dangerous exercise that could unleash the devils warrior that may be lurking about in the hopes of finding a portal into the mortal. Ergo (I love using that word) I put forth a disclaimer or two. First, there are no innocent people in need of protection but names were changed anyway to make them sound more badass. Second, this story may or may not be true and may or may not be based on real life experience. Either way, it could happen to you. Here then is a tale of one night when my darkness encountered the darkness of a gun barrel. The night I was held at gunpoint.
Like most big cities New York has an underground drug market. On the Lower East Side you can get it all. Pot, pills, coke, dope, pretty much any drug you want, you just needed to know where to go and how its sold. On 14th street give the two finger V sign and you’ll attract valium salesmen, down on Third Ave listen for the word “sense” and you have pot. Coke is by Tompkins Park, and heroin is in the famed alphabet city. Life had dealt me some major blows, leaving me living in a tiny room with no family connections. I had used a lot of different drugs but my depression was at an all time low, even I didn’t want to hang out with me. I found solace in drinking booze and sniffing bags of heroin to take me away. It was a very dangerous game to play, one because its an unforgiving high and if you let it get you it won’t let go, and two because to cop it you had to go into the belly of the beast of the city where not a single soul can be trusted. But when you don’t give a shit about anything, even your pathetic life, it’s a risk worth taking. So I did, I went down on occasion to cop some dope. The dealers have people they call steerers, who steer you to the sellers. It’s a labyrinth designed to protect the dealers in which you encounter three people before finding the one holding the dope. This hot July night I was gamed by a junkie who posed as a steerer.
“Hey Bro, you looking for some good dope? Mr. T, the best shit in town right around the corner.” Mr. T was legendary dope, very strong and a real prize among users. In an attempt to let him know I knew my shit I asked, “Old executive or double Dee?” This Latin dude stared at me. He has very tight curled hair parted in the middle and a pock marked worn face partially covered by a weak goatee. “Hey look Bro, you be talking to Culebro, I da man wit da plan G. You want the real deal Hollyfield Exec or you wanna get that cheap ass double dee shit from the negritos Yo? Follow the Culebro if you want the good dope son I ain’t got time to play games boy the fucking man is all over this place. Come on ahead or get the fuck out!” I made a shit decision, I followed The Culebro.
It’s not uncommon for dope to be sold in an abandoned building. No neighbors, easy exits for the dealers, and no one to tip off the cops. But this abandoned building was just that, abandoned. I followed Culebro up to the third floor, the stairwells lit by candlelight. I thought that was a good sign, that usually the habits of a smart operation. Or an operation no longer in use. As soon as we entered the hallway on the third floor Culebro pushed me up against the wall and stuck a handgun to my head. “Okay blanquito, how much you gonna die for tonight?”
I’ve often heard the phrase “shit a brick” to describe a profound fear. First let me say that if one were to shit even little pieces of broken mortar it would take a great deal of effort and concentration, both of which were in short supply. I assure you bowel movement would be amongst the last thoughts one has with a loaded pistol poised at ones forehead. Nor would my thoughts cause me to perspire bullets. My life didn’t flash before my eyes. That would have at the very least offered some entertainment. Most of went through my head was more like, “Oh fuck. Oh shit. That’s a fucking gun! What the fuck am I gonna do now. This fucker is crazy and he’s gonna shoot me.” I also entertained the thought of being a statistic in tomorrows police blotter. Unknown twenty something found dead in center of chalk line on Lower East Side. Me, reduced to a thin line of white chalk! But that was a fleeting thought, what I instinctively knew was I had to escape or die. But how to approach this escape? Beg? “Oh please man please…don’t. I have a family somewhere maybe I’ll have children someday.” No, that won’t work. Calm reasoning? “Hey look man, this is a mistake, I’m not worth it. I have no money, the gun will make noise and cops will be up here in seconds.” No, cops aren’t anywhere near this area, its one of the poorest in the city. Here gunshots and sirens are like birdcalls in the morning. No go. Bargain? “Look man, I have plenty of cash in my apartment in the village, we can take the subway over and I’ll go up and get it all for you. I won’t tell anyone, I swear.” Right! He seems like such a trusting soul. Options are limiting rapidly. Then it hit me. My bright idea.
Living in the city that never sleeps has some unwritten, unspoken rules. There is a good chance that at some point you are going to get ripped off. Mugged. Always split up your cash an always have some cash somewhere. You never want to carry a lot of cash around but you always need something. If you get mugged and have at least a little cash you chances are good it’s a druggie looking for quick cash and will take your money and flee. Roll it up in bundles to make it look like more than it I. A well rolled wad of single can look like a major score, and most times the thief doesn’t stop and count. If you have nothing you run the risk of pissing them off and turning them bat shit crazy. I had my own strategy because purchasing drugs on the street was an art. Hundreds of scammers and muggers. I place my drug purchase money in my front pocket, a small wad of singles in my left, and a roll of cash in each sock. That way if I get mugged before copping I can still cop, and if its after I can give them money and they won’t know I have drugs. But this situation was different. This dude knew I had drug money and he wanted it. He doesn’t realize I live here, he thinks I’m a B&T. B&T is slang for Bridge and Tunnel, a reference to the fact that kids come from the suburbs of Connecticut, New jersey or Long Island to come to play in the big city by driving through the tunnel or over a bridge. Easy prey. But I was no longer B&T, I had been living in the city for four years now and knew a lot of tricks. I opted for one I practiced in my mind but never in a real life situation. I sprung into action.
With my hands in the air I said, “hold on man, hold on. I have some more cash here in my sock.” I slowly reached down towards my foot and removed a wad of singles wrapped in a twenty to show him. Then I flung it up in the air using my thumb to separate the bills and it looked like bills from heaven. It was just the distraction I needed and as he greedily started grabbing for the bills he lowered his gun and I fled like the track star I could have been if I applied myself. (that’s what my Mom always told me). I didn’t stop running until I reached the village, and I absolutely learned my lesson about dope. I’ll never cop anything in that neighborhood again!

Yes, I Read A Clockwork Orange in My School Daze

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Lesson in Civility

I enjoyed to writing but it came as a surprise to most that I also loved to read. Many of the teachers believed that I didn’t read because they knew my “type”. That meant worthless lazy potheads who don’t have enough ambition to read. They took me for a non caring loser who didn’t give a shit about education. Most of the time I just thought ‘fuck them’ cuz they‘ll always think their better than us.. I had just finished reading a complex and unbelievably outrageous book called “A Clockwork Orange” in which the characters had their own slang language making it a more difficult read than most. I walked into Mr. Refester’s class prepared to debate the attributes in this fine book that was to be the focus of the days lesson. Refester, or Reefer as we called him, always tried to trip me up. For what ever reason this fucker really had it in for me. It was no surprise that he directed many questions to me in an attempt to mess me up but I had the proper answers. That pissed him off so with his stupid smirk he asked me what happened to the main character in jail. The character, Alex, had killed a fellow inmate and gotten deeper in trouble. When I relayed this info to Reefer he shot me a distain filled glare and revealed his stern teacher voice. “That never happened in the book JT that only happened in the movie. This proves you didn’t read the book, you only watched the movie. Try reading next time instead of taking the easy way out like always. You get a zero for the day.” I was angry beyond belief. I had not even seen the movie and I loved the book so much I read it twice. Well I let him know this in no uncertain terms but he didn’t hear a word I said. Instead he went into a tirade of what happens to lazy marijuana smoking kids who try to fool their teachers. There is no doubt in my mind my face went from crimson to purple with anger. Periwinkle purple if I remember my crayola’s correctly. Tired from working last night, still slightly buzzed from second period, and angry as castrated hornet I flipped. Sick and tired of being unfairly judged I stood up to better state my case and looked around the room at my peers to see who might lend me support. Anyone who read the book would know I wasn’t lying and that was what happened in the book. Every last one of them turned their heads, looked down at their desks, or just smiled in approval at the injustice being thrust upon your friend and narrator. So all alone I stood on my oddy knocky infuriated and decided to stand my ground. After offering my own version of the account and pleading my case, Reefer just stared at me and said ‘Sit down Mr. Hilltop. Maybe you didn’t hear me. You get a zero for the day.” That was the final drinking tube that crushed the dromedary’s back. I eyed the door, thought about my options and what would be the smart thing to do. I knew the right thing was to sit down, regroup and go find a copy of the book to prove my credibility. The right thing has never been my forte. With that in mind I mumbled “Fuck you” just loud enough for everyone to hear as the silence blanketed the room. I then thought what the fuck, might as well give a parting blow to the asshole spineless peers in my class as well. I walked towards the door as Mr. Reefer kept yelling at me to get back in my seat and sit down, but the ship had already started sailing and was probably gonna sink anyway. I wanted to leave no doubt that I had read the book so as I opened the door I turned to my classmates and using the books slang in my most silky golass I creeched, “You bunch of vonny grazzy devotchkas and chellovecks. Nary a one of you had the yarbles to open your silent rots and speak their golass on behalf of yours truly. I’ll not slooshy another slovo. You can all kiss my sharries. My appy-polly loggies to the young devotchkas but enough of this chepooka. Seems I will always be on my oddy knocky in this excuse of a classroom. Bog save you all my droogies” As I slammed the door for effect I started to regret my actions already but I knew it proved I was in the right and now the whole class would have no doubt, unless of coursse they didn’t read the book and didn’t understand the language I used. I was right right right but still in deep shit. I was scared but also hot and needed to talk to someone, so I went straight to the cafeteria to find just one of my droogies, er friends.
“Hey Patrick, whats up bro?” Patrick was a cool bud who seemed to be friends with everyone, jocks, hitters, greasers, hippies and even the brainiacs. But today he was alone at the table which was cool by me, I needed to calm down anyway. “Hey whats happening JT? You skip class man?” “Yea bro, something like that. Fucking just had a fight with Reefer and walked out of his class.” “Oh man that sucks. What a douche that fuckhead is. Come on over after school and I’ll sneak out the bamboo pipe.” Fucking A Patrick, you’re the fucking best. I know I’m gonna get in a shitload for this. I think I told him to fuck himself in front of the whole class.” At first Patrick looked at me with deer in headlight stare. I saw his eyes soften up and begin to cave in on the sides and he began his loud guffaw of a laugh he had become famous for. “Ah ha ha oh my gawd JT, you said it out loud? That’s the funniest thing I ever heard.” We both laughed for about five minutes and as soon as I composed my self I said “I don’t think Reefer thought it was funny. Anyway whadda ya gonna do? Fuck him.” “You may get in trouble JT, but it one helluva great story to have. We can talk about it later. C’mon over after school, I got some black hash that’s preamo.” “Thanks bro, we can always count on our friends. No one else, but always our friends.” No sooner had I said that when one of the school principals pets came up to me and said “Justin, Mr. Winston wants to see you.” “Yea, that sounds about right. Catch ya later Patrick. Right after school?” “No problem JT, I’ll be waiting.” Time to pay the piper, whatever the fuck that meant!

You Say You Want A Revelation, We All Want To End The World

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7trumpets

The last one picked is the one no one wants on the team. Revelations was the last one picked for the Bible and I have to wonder why. Too fat, too slow, or too uncoordinated? Maybe it jut flat out sucks!? Of course there’s only one way to find out. Investigation. So here it comes the Christian Search Investigators. The CSI-Bible to find the DNA and other forensic tidbits. Maybe even trace elements like epithelia’s, fingerprints, or secret documents to uncover the truth behind the end of all things. Except gods inner circle of course.
The main players in this tale of apocalyptic reckoning are somewhat questionable. Written by John of pathological, it includes the four headless horsemen of Sleepy Hollow, the Liar of Judah, angels, trumpeters, the beast, a dragon, a false prophet, an arched angel, and of course no bible story would be complete without a whore, this one straight outta Babylon.
The book of revelations is somewhat difficult to tell because its told in some unusual circumstances. The story was revealed to this dude John, who was locked up in prison in Pathos. He was a prolific writer who had already had a number of stories published in the New Testament. A few under the epistle category, and a gospel song called Psalm 43 (The P has the right to remain silent). Many religious scholars say it was actually 3 different Johns but if I get into bible discrepancies I’ll never get to this story. The truth is that John had a visitor in jail.. (looked alarming similar to Mary Magdalene though she denied it. Three times.) This visitor had placed a very powerful tab or two of LSD (legal at that time) in her mouth and transferred it to Johns mouth in a disgusting public display of spit swapping. A face sucking, tongue tango, snog toggle, French kiss whose true purpose was to exchange the hallucinogenic treat. When John got back to his cell, and after his bulge subsided (Really don’t drop the soap now!!) he was visited and told a story by god. I had a similar reverse episode once, after ingesting a chemical mind tickler I learned that god took some acid and saw me! Another day.
So during his intense peeking (I think that’s what people on acid trips call it when the trip hit’s a crescendo. I think!), that was when god suddenly said to John, “Dude, you wanna hear about the future of mankind?” Stupid question, of course he did. He was tripping after all. So this story was how John best remembered the telling some 18 hours after the acid wore off. That’s some powerful shit there! This is the book of Reservations. Reverberation. Revolution. ….Sorry, The Book of Revelations!
Here it is in his very own paraphrased words as he told it to me one day back in the late 60’s:
“So Mary and I kissed and I could feel two tabs of something on her tongue. Yea I know she said it wasn’t her but she just didn’t want to end up on the front page of the Abraham Inquirer. An let me tell you the J-man was one lucky Jew she was one helluva kisser. Anyway She tells me to swallow, something you don’t normally wanna hear in prison, so I swallows the tab. Then she tells me I just took two tabs of Blue Cheer acid. Man I was stoked. I smiled all the way back to my cell knowing what was coming. I got to my cell and laid down on my stone cot. After about a half hour I hear this voice. I sit up an look around but there ain’t no one there. So I lays back down when the voice comes back, this time calling me by name. So I shout who’s that, who’s there? And the voice says ‘Its me John, God.’ Now I’m thinking it must be the acid kickin’ in right? I mean the voice was like soft and almost girly. Not the powerful deep voice you’d think God would have but he insists. ‘Really John, its me God’ Then he steps out from the shadows and sure enough it is God. Amazing how much Jesus looked like him. Spittin’ image. What else could I do? I sez, whats up God?”
“He walks through the bars, I mean right through, like they wasn’t even there. Then he sez, ‘John, I want to tell you a story. I want you to write it down and make sure everyone reads it.’ I sez to him, you mean like a bestseller or something? To which he replies, ‘yea, something like that. But first try and get the story into the bible, because this is the story of the beginning and the end.’ Now I’m really thinking the acid is kicking in but I sez yea sure and he continues”
“When I first created everything I had seven arch angels to watch over heaven and protect it. Six of these arches were cool, but one arch angel was just a real pain in the ass. Has to do everything his way and wouldn’t follow directions. Finally one day I caught him in bed with Gabriel’s teenage daughter and that was the last straw. I tossed his ass out and straight down to earth along with one third of the questionable residents of heaven. He went down to earth with them and they formed a gang calling themselves the Crypts. He goes to the garden of Eden and begins recruiting humans for his gang. So I had Gabriel, a very trusted angel form a gang up here because I knew there would someday be a major showdown. He formed the Bloods of my blood, after my sons prophecy. We call them the Bloods for short, and it created a rivalry that would be the mother of all rivalries. Good vs. Evil, Bloods vs. Crypts. One day we would have our gang lords get together for an epic showdown. This showdown will be called The Rapture.”
“Now I’m still tripping but I know this shit is real so I keep scraping away on my stones getting down his words so I could one day write the book for him.Being an ancient journalist of course I had questions, so I asks him to explain to me how this Rapture thing is gonna go down. Then something happens that may sound like a fairy tale or a hallucination. He floats up to the ceiling an sez come on up John it will be easier if I show you”
Now I’m flipping ya know? I’m like how the fuck am I supposed to get up there, but before I even thought about a strategy I was lifted off my feet and floating right next to him. Honest to god, from Gods mouth to my ear he whispers, ‘Watch this. These guys can really stir it up’ A light went on and I swear to you it looked like a giant flat screen TV in HD. The images seemed so real. There was a stage with seven muicians. Al Hirt,Loius Armstrong,Wynton Marsalas, Miles Davis,Chuck Mangione,Maynard Fererson, and Dizzy Gillespie. Not just ordinary musicians each stood with a trumpet in their hands. The seven Trumpeters. They jammed for about an hour and that’s when the real show started!”
“As the story unfolded God narrated over it. The stage floated up to the corner of the screen and the image of earth came up below it. Al Hirt stepped forward and God whipered, ‘the first trumpet’. Al blew a fast riff and out of his trumpet spewed balls of hail and fire down onto the earth. In an instant there was a split screen and on the right I could see cities getting bombarded with hail and burning meteors. Devestation was everywhere. Then Satchmo came out and blew towards earth, and every volcano on earth erupted simultaneously filling the oceans with ash so thick it looked like a sea of mud.’ second trumpet.’ Next it was Wynton and he blew into all the rivers of the earth turning all the water everywhere bitter. ‘third, and here comes number 4’, Miles come out and blows toward the southern hemisphere and freezes it entirely. I was freaking. On the split screen people everywhere running in circles, slipping on ice, not having a clue what was happening. Then Chuck and Maynard come out together and blow sulpher and marijuana smoke all over earth, getting the humans high and making it stink like shit. Finally Dizzy comes out and starts blowing opium, making not only him, but every human dizzy. Even Miss Lizzie!”
“Well now I’m thinking what was the point, everyone gonna die, but its like the big guy can read my mind. ‘You’re wondering why right?’ I shakes my head and he sez ‘I needed to piss off Satan and the Crypts.Get ready because now is when the real fun begins. Now The Bloods of my blood and the Crypts are gonna wage an all out war back in the little town of Armegedeon. For this I am switching to Imax, cuz this shit is way sick.’ My eyes are already bugging out and now it Technicolor. Brilliant images on the screen of an area that looked like Mordor. Maybe the only place on earth not frozen or scorched. This was where they was gonna wage the final battle of all time. I pinched myself to see if it was real.” John was getting antsy and says wait, I forgot to tell you about the Seven Trained Seals. I need to tell you about that before I go on.” At this point John looked a little uneasy so he requested a ten minute break and diaapeared. (TBC)

The Copperfield Christ

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Forward

Lucifer, Beelzebub, The Antichrist, Fallen Angel, Prince of Darkness, Ozzie Osborne, whatever name he goes by he is the devilish serpent in charge of all things evil. Satan is one bad ass Samuel Jackson. He’s the Mothah of all fuckahs and he will strike down upon thee with GREAT vengeance. Essentially Satan is the dark angel of everything fun. Wait! I mean evil, yea that’s it, evil! Satan wants us doing nothing but eating forbidden fruits all day and night. But not God! Oh no, God is good God is great. He’s our lord god in heaven. Blessed are the meek, the lord is my shepherd I shall not want. This is the sort of crap I was taught as a kid anyway, before I uncovered Godgate, The great god Swindle. It’s a scandal of biblical proportions making Noah’s soggy story more like a three hour tour ending up on an uncharted dessert isle. The truth took some serious feather ruffling and that don’t fly with me. It started before the birth of Jesus and continued until the truth became so blurry they should give Claritin instead of wafers at communion. How did I get there?
Like most kids I was raised to believe unconditionally and to never question authority. Besides questioning why was unfulfilling and always ended up in the same old cul e sac. “Because I said so!” Please that’s the best you got? WTF? There isn’t a Vulcan worth their pointed ears that could find a nano sliver of logic in this ridiculous answer! Fascinating! Seriously, it has no empirical value and is tediously rhetoric. It’s an answer that defied challenge for one reason. I was unable to respond it because “that’s just the way it is and I could like it or lump it.” It‘s the law! I grew up I learned a lot about laws. How to bend, break, twist, and get around them. I also learned that not obeying laws can have consequences. Bad consequences, like incarceration or fines. Then one day I heard someone mistakenly say, “Laws are made to be broken.” Epiphany.
I wondered why laws were created in the first place? Laws of the people and for the people to keep the “authorities” in control. Laws were made after someone did something authorities didn’t like. Yea,yea, I hear you, laws are the framework of a civilized society, to protect people from those who may take advantage of others and shit. But who is making those laws and more disconcerting who is making sure the laws are being followed by the ones who made them? Laws by nature are bathed in hypocrisy. It’s illegal to steal from another human being, but its okay for some humans to steal gestating babies from chickens. Stealing eggs and selling them is okay. A stretch I agree, but fundamentally we allow some humans to make money stealing from animals, capturing them and raising them for anything from shoes to coats to dinner or to lab experiments. That however is a different fight. My focus today are laws.
There’s a mysterious group of humans known only to us as “They.” They say it may rain, they say you only live once, they say you can’t take it with you, they care about you, they paved paradise and put up a parking lot. “They” are in charge, and “They” make the laws. They make them because we don’t know how to live life fairly. They decide what the proper punishment should be for our crimes. They do this for our own good. They sound so…..parental!
I was born with a rebel spirit and I had a problem with authority from the start. When Mom told me alcohol was bad I started drinking, when she told me marijuana would lead to heroin I smoked pot, when she told me masturbating would make me go blind I…….. lets just say I have first hand experience in the art of self autoeroticism and I still have 20/20 vision. Rebel spirit caused me to question everything. EVERYTHING! Mom forced me to attend Sunday School, and one day I was cutting out with a friend to smoke cigarettes behind some trees. We got to talking about all the fun we were missing out on and it came around to old Lucifer. Why is Satan portrayed as evil and horrible if he insists we do things that make us feel good? Satan encourages sex and god forbids it if his conditions are not met. Unmarried sex is forbidden. Sex between members of the same sex is forbidden. Why would God make sex feel so fucking good and then forbid us to do it how we like? Not having sex can make horny teen boys unpredictable and stress them out making them violent. What’s the point of dangling a carrot (phallic symbol alert) in front of the horses mouth? Why make it a sin to do things that feel so good. The big guy talked to Moses disguised as a burning bush (another symbol alert). Then he laid down some laws. A few were more common sense than laws like don’t steal or kill people, but others a tad vague. I’m not allowed to covet my neighbors wife. I didn’t even know what covet meant, I had to look it up. If he doesn’t want us desiring why does he make us all so damn sexually attractive? He made flowers with their organs hanging all out in the open and has us staring at their gonads saying, “Oh how pretty” and even sticking our noses right into their floral sex canals to breath in the sweet aroma of desire. We can covet the hell out of flowers, but don’t gat caught looking at your neighbors cleavage, that’s a sin!. My favorite law is no worshipping images. Oh, like the cross? Statues, busts, paintings, rosaries, all sorts of ways to pay homage via an image. Today there isn’t a Christian alive that doesn’t worship some company logo! (No coincidence the leading iLogo is Apple) So I’m not buying into these laws, or “commandments” that are being force-fed to us through religion. That’s why I started the investigation in the first place. Unfair laws.
I don’t mean to take his name in vain but God damn they made a lot of laws back in the century! And God has us jumping through hoops still today. He makes us pray, assemble in buildings on the day of his choice, and makes us get all dressed up just to listen to how bad we are. Then he makes us give money to the dude that just read us the riot acts. He makes us sit on wooden benches til our asses have cheek bruises plus we gotta kneel down before him. First he makes us pray, then he makes us look like fools by singing songs we really don’t like or fully understand. “Ave Maria!”, “He walks with me and he talks with me“, “Nearer my god to thee“, “The rugged cross“, all such repetitive songs. Who wrote these hymns the Dr. Seuss of Christianity? “Onward Christian soldiers“….Hey! Wait a minute, whaddaya mean soldiers? Is god indoctrinating us to fight a crusading war? Or maybe, just maybe it’s a ploy by god to make us look like jerks sinning silly songs sans karaoke. Maybe god’s pranking us with all those laws! Otherwise why would we follow him and obey all his rules without raising a question. Because he said so?! Oh I get it, god is a Mom!
I can’t except not asking questions. Questions are the main reason I began this investigation in the first place. I wanted to find out who God was and who Satan was, and how the Bible came to be the defining word on humanity. My investigation took me back to the fourth century and I uncovered secrets that have been kept for thousands of years. Are we worshipping the right entity or was there a major switcheroo and ultimate coupe de gras? One thing is for sure, the struggle for power today has deep roots that go way back. You’ve heard the stories “They” want you to hear, now hear the stories that have been buried, and the people that were killed just for talking the truth in caverns, taverns, and campfires throughout the Middle East. Read carefully and choose what you believe wisely. The truth may not set you free it just may scare the Hell out of you!. Or into you.

The Seven Deadly Dwarfs

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The Sins Of The Son Are The Sins That Go Farther

Sins! Oh sweet Mama are we all guilty of sins. I even remember the righteous Jimmy Swaggart crying “I have sinned” although I suspect the tears were because he was caught. Who among us has not sinned? Personally I will cop to multiple sinning that may borer on serial or pathologic qualification. The degree of sins I have committed has allegedly assured me a special place in hell. Allegedly!! By that I mean if there is a hell and if so then it also contains special places. When I think about it, which honestly isn’t often, hell couldn’t be as bad as those sanctimonious truth babblers would have me believe. I mean shit, when I die they tell me I have a choice of only two places, heaven or hell. That’s all the options I get. In heaven I get to sit by the throne of the almighty. No TV, no music, (except some mind numbing harp strumming by Angels), no board games, nothing! Jut sit by the throne with a bunch of goody-goods twittling thumbs. Can’t even think about the fun shit like sex and….well sex. In that case heaven is a place to go to get bored to insanity. Not this boy, I plan to fly over the cuckoo’s nest. Or if Hell is where they say it is then under it. Put me on that elevator straight to hell. Let me live out my days being naked, roasting marshmallows, and sinning like the devil with a shitload of other sinners. A place where sex, drugs, and rock and roll are not only encouraged, but required. Daily entertainment!
So what makes a sin a sin anyway? Who decided what was okay and what was not? How in the hell did someone come up with The Seven Deadly sins? I know what you think, I’m about to start bashing the cross waving holier than thou Christians again, but nope. Uh uh, not this time. This time I point the finger at The Brothers Grimm. In 1812 they took these fire and brimstone causing seven sins to a new level. Whats worse their partner in perpetuation Walt Disney himself injected subliminally into the mainstream. Yup, today I blame this shit on Snow White.
Seven dwarfs and seven deadly sins! Coincidence? Hardly! Each one of those diminutive diamond mining denizens represent a sin. And the true tales are full of drugs and parties and enough sex to make the entire population of munchkins giggle with delight. Not convinced yet? Well then allow me to break this shit down!
Wrath. The sin of rage and uncontrollable anger. Why so angry? Well Plick was cut off. One fateful day in the diamond mine he attempted to steal some diamonds by swallowing them. He was caught, and the others had a group meeting an agreed that this dwarf was banned from alcohol, weed and coke for six months. Even the lady dwarfs denied him sex. Not only that, he still had to shit out the diamonds without any painkillers. You’d be Grumpy too!
Sloth. The sin of laziness. If that’s true I am one major sinning son of a bitch sinner because I have a masters degree in procrastination. But back to the dwarfs. In the bed next to Grumpy slept Perzlebaum. Perzlebaum was very clever and the first to realize that he had access to Grumpy’s banned stash. Purzle drank so much whisky and puffed up so much weed he passed out. Fuckin’ Perzle slept for three days straight and it caused permanent dammage to his orbital muscles. With his constantly drooping eyes, he earned the name Sleepy.
Lust. The sin of intense desire. Packe was also somewhat of an opportunistic party hound and noticed the lady dwarfs shunning his buddy. Packe woke up each day with that male teenage bane, morning wood. At firt he took matters into his own hand, but then the idea came. Grumpys ladies will be lonely. Oh he satisfied his normal urges at night in the dwarf bars, but now after 4AM he also prowled the lonely of the night that had once been busy with Grumpy. He engaged in sexual trysts on a scale of many a mans fantasy, sometimes having as many as four ladies a night. He even started experimenting with trans gender dwarfs He became an orgasm addict. Poor Packe fucked himself silly. Literally! He fucked his own brains out. He is still off balance and to this day still known as Dopey.
Envy.The sin of jealousy. Now comes Huckepack. He was once considered somewhat of a dwarf ladies man, a playa amongst playa’s. But he noticed how easily Dopey was getting laid and it bothered him. Huckepack wanted a piece of the action and not just the plain looking ones, he wanted to go after the super hot little juicy fruits. When he finally did score the dwarfette of his dreams he was stoked. No, not stroked you pervert, stoked! Once in the bedroom he was over excited, and he stripped immediately. He had not taken into account that he had just returned from swimming. Uh huh, shrinkage! Juicy fruits eyes went directly to his compromised dwarf hood. One look at his shrunken treasure and his naked conquest let out an emasculating giggle. She then said to him “Who are you expecting to please with that tiny thing?” Embarrased and angry Huckepack looked at her horrified sreaming “ME BITCH!” But it was not a save. She hit him below the belt and his confidence was rocked to all hell. He grabbed his clothes and ran out in tears of shame. He never worked up the nerve (Thats not a euphanism) to talk to her or any other women ever again. He was labeled Bahsful.
Pride. The sin of self indulgance. Many consider this to be the worst, holding ones own esteem so much higher than everyone else’s. My oldest brother is like that, always better than the ret of us. I’m sure he’s somewhere looking down on us all right now. He’s not dead, he’s just a condescending ass. But this is the story of Rumplebold. This young dwarf was quite enterprising. His biggest problem was he believed he deserved the best of everything. He was entitles to everything that the dwarfs had and then some. With the others using up all of Grumpy’s weed and whisky it was Rumplebold who deserved the most expensive part of the stash. At least he thought he did so he confiscated the entire cache of Grumpy’s cocaine and went to town. Rumple did lines of coke everywhere he went and all day and night. He was wired to the max. He tried to hide it from the others, but it was impossible. Dude was sneezing white power from his nose regularly. There was so much blow up his nostrils he couldn’t stop sneezing. Yup, Sneezy.
Gluttony. The sin of over-consumption. Ah yea, too much of everything, no moderation what so ever. This has to be Puck. Puck may have been the cleverest of all seven. Puck knew just what he wanted. Everything! And lots of it. What made him clever was knowing how to take what he desired without raising awareness. He was slick and had an ample supply of whisky, weed, and women. His big problem was munchies. He was the one who did the weekly food shopping and always went right after puffing a fatty. The others never even knew that he bought and stashed boxes of ring dings,ho-ho’s and double stuffed oreo’s. Ate himself silly. He became fat and jolly. Oh yea, he was one happy Puck. Always smiling, always laughing, always…..Happy.
Greed. The sin of material pursuit. This brings us around to our last dwarf, Naseweis. Ole Nasy was greedy from the start. He wanted flat screens, and smartphones, designer clothes, expensive jewelry, and a Bentley to take into LA to shop at Rodeo Drive. He had a hunger for living in the material world and wanted a material girl. Maybe even shag Madonna. But how could he afford all these things? An idea struck him. He went online and bought a fake doctorate from WebMD and began selling scripts to the other six. It’s rumored he even sold a script for Propranol to the wicked witch. No matter, he recognized the weaknesses in all of us and exploited it as a doctor. Even though it was fake it worked, and they all go to “Doc” when they want vial of feel good.
So that’s it. That’s why I blame these fictional characters for creating the seven deadly sins. I’m calling them out. Who knows, maybe it will even start a whole new religion. Or at least a sect. The Seventh Sin Adventists or something. We can be known as Dwarfies. We will pray for illicit happenings, sing about sinful exploits, and even approve same sect marriage. Maybe I’ll even get my own compound out of the deal. We’ll lock ourselves in and commit every sin possible. You can come and join if you want, all sinners no saints! Just remember, I am a shameless sinner, so if I do offer you some Kool Aid, make sure it’s the electric kind. Have a nice trip……PEACE

The First Books Of The Cold Testament

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There Aughta be a Law
So now the scene was set for the so called “Old Testament” to branch out in different area’s. This is where it gets kinda murky with a few different accounts of what happened next. But like an automobile accident, everyone swears that their story is the (Insert name of favorite Creator)‘s honest truth, and of course the truth will set you free. Or will it? The Roamings chose to be monotheist and worshipped God as told by Abraham, the Muscle’ems also monotheist but called their god Allah. Mosey led the remaining suffering juice into their holy land insisting to them all that they were the chosen ones. But chosen by whom and for what? The adventure begins
Mosey decides he should clear up the laws for the Juice in their long bloody trek to the promised land so he began writing his fifth book. He had already written four others. His first was titled Genesis, and it was about how things began according to the disciples, Peter, Gabriel, Phil, and Collins (not Tom Collins, the other one). His second work of fiction was called “Exodus” and it was based on a song by Bob Marley. (easy on the ganja next time Mosey) His third book was a math book he called simply “Numbers” and his fourth a short story about the maker of blue jeans which he called “Levi-ticus. The working title of his fifth and final book was “ Dude-a-Ramen Noodle” but that may change due to Ron or me. It’s main purpose will be to set all the laws required to become the chosen ones, the real Juice. During the years they wandered in search of the real estate they were promised Mosey made up those laws. He created dietary laws, (pissed off the pig farmers) sexual laws, laws of marriage, laws for religious festivals and ceremonies, and the most important law of all. The mother of all Mitzvah laws. The law insisting that every family has a no holds barred all out extravagant party their children when they reach the age of 12 or 13. (boys take longer to mature).
But first things first, on to the promise land. Mosey surveyed his able body men and decided to make Joshua his general. Joshua was a strong and smart man who was once the world wrestling federation champ. He had also trained at Far West Point, the highly regarded Ninja military school run by Genghis Kahn. Joshua began getting his troops in shape with exercises and combat training games. In two short months he had a formidable assembly of fine tuned fighting machines. And good thing too because it wasn’t long until the first battle.
In their quest to take the promise land they came upon a mighty river they needed to cross in order to proceed. Mosey had been told by Yehaw that he was not to cross the river, but to allow Joshua to take over and lead his people. His task was complete and it was time for him to pack it in, to buy the farm He had to die. After all, it had been a great 4,000 years and he was losing his hair, bladder control, and the arthritis was getting too painful. So here it was that instead of a sea parting, it was Mosey and Joshua. “Josh my friend, our years together have at last come to an end. I leave it up to you to lead our people into the promised land. Just promise me that when you do you play nice with the neighbors.” Joshua smiled and shook his head while he place his hand behind his back and crossed his fingers. “I promise you dear friend Mosey, I will lead our people into the promised land and treat our neighbors like they were family.” With that, Mosey went off to die peacefully and Joshua uncrossed his fingers, smiled, and mumbled to himself, “Like the abusive family that fucking abandoned me, hehehe.”

GODSEX SAVES (From plague to pleasure)

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“I’ll have her screaming Oh My Fucking Mortal that felt good”
Sacrificing became the norm. They sacrificed everything assuming the gods must be hungry and too lazy to cook. Some asshole started thinking maybe the gods aren’t hungry, maybe they’re horny. They began sacrificing the young women . Oh please!? Like a god could create all kinds of catastrophic events but was incapable of getting laid? What the fuck were they thinking? But sacrifice the young maidens they did. They also began talking to the gods and even singing songs to them. Another very curious habit had begun. Instead of leaving the bodies to decay and replenish Garden Earth they began to bury the bodies. What?? It really confused Cosmo. What was the point of putting the bodies underground? They collectively decided that there was an afterlife and didn’t want their people to be all chewed up and maggoty when they arrived there. Soon religions were popping up left and right, with all kinds of crazy rules and the most bizarre fashion statements ever! What in the bottomless pit of fire are they putting on their heads? Tall hats, pointy hats, skullcaps, and one religion put some weird little place mat over the bald spots at the back of their heads. One of Cosmo’s favorite practical joke were to make his men people lose the hair on their heads, only to find it coming out of their ears an noses. And they were covering up the spots of skin that earned him so much props when talked about at inter-galactic bars. All in all it the most curious new trait of his youmans was when they began to display compassion for the dead. They mourned them an adorned them, wrapped them and boxed them, then covered them in dirt or hid them from sight. They were moving away from animism and the use of collective conscience. Major cultural shifts had taken place and it seemed to be virtually simultaneous throughout the garden. Things were getting out of control, and some crazy shit started happening that had all of them fearing their respective gods.
It was around that time when some really bad and unexplainable shit went down. In the future they would be known as the “Great Plagues” and written down in books as the truth. At first Cosmo did not think much of it but soon he had become suspicious that someone was sabotaging his planet. It started near the big river in the middle east section of Europe in The May Anne Curl Crescent. ( No doubt if Freud had been alive he would have assigned the likeness of the crescent to an entirely different area of Mary Anne’s body. Perhaps that was what truly made it fertile?!). Somehow a large section of the Denial River turned all red with some foreign substance similar to blood. It killed all the fish and aquatic life in the area and poisoned the water. Fish and chips were the main diet staple around the river and many got sick form eating spoiled fish out of desperation. Others refused to eat the tainted sea morals and were starving to death. Curious it was, but it wasn’t until a while afterward when that populated area became absolutely overrun by frogs. It was then that Cosmo remembered the Tribble story. Hiss first impulse was a little joke played on him by the goddess Lucille. “I’m surprised at Lucy. These aren’t cute furry little things these are gross and causing all sorts of warts and boils on my you mans. Lucy…..you got some splainin’ to do!” He called his friend Lucille but she denied having anything to do with it. She ha once played a joke on mmmmm in the nnnnn galaxy that got out of hand. Friggen Tribbles everywhere! She swore it wasn’t her and promised to come by in a day and have a look. Time for Cosmo to straighten up his god pad , he would be entertaining a lady god friend. He cleaned up his bachelor pad and stocked his cabinets with food, god beer, and of course some Meade Plus.
Lucille was perhaps the most beautiful of all the goddesses. She had huge inviting eyes and an almost perfectly round face that adorned smooth white and flawless skin. High cheekbones and huge ebony black eyes gave her a cosmically refined appearance. Her hair was her most recognizable trait. It was bright crimson red, thick and full with large interloping banana curls that danced around her pretty face. An unusually tall goddess she carried her frame effortlessly on extremely muscular and exquisitely long legs that she was more than proud to display in tight fitted sexy split skirts. Always in heels she was a vision of beauty that would have driven any of Cosmos man people to Light-years of insanity, and beyond. A curvy torso without a trace of fat and what could be described accurately as a “treasure” chest made Lucy one of if not the most desired goddess in the universes. But the thing Cosmo loved most above all was her witty and engaging personality. She commanded attention whenever she spoke and had the sharpest wit of anyone Cosmo knew. Cosmo was as nervous as a schoolchild and began to stutter the moment she walked in. “Great sa-sa-singularity you are a vi-vision of beauty.” Lucille shook her head and smiled, “Relax Coz, I’m not here as a conquest I’m here as a friend. But you never know what may happen. Its been a millennium since I’ve been ridden by a god of your intoxicating love skills. Lets have us a drink first and see if we can get your frog infestation toad away.” The glint in her eye assured him the pun was intended and Cosmo chuckled nervously. “Its been quite a while for me as well Luce.” His nervousness was exiting and confidence making a triumphant return. “I’m not sure if I have what it takes to please you lovely Lucille but I would hop, skip, and jump a chance bring you over your limit.” Cosmo gave an enticing wink and Lucille gave a shudder of anticipation. “And I’ll deflate that bulge you have that call my name. But first, lets have that drink and get this ugly plague business out of the way. Tt had gotten much worse than just blood in the water. Frogs! Cosmo updated her on his situation, “The frogs have caused contagious welts and boils and brought about a plague of lice, gnats, and millions of grasshoppers.” Lucille showed a look of real concern. “Contagions are not usually Botchiegalloup’s MO, but everything else sounds like it could be his dirty work. Let me help you clean it up. I’ll start with those insects. They aren’t grasshoppers but locusts. That’s an all out plague of locust too. Locust are even worse than grasshoppers. They have an appetite equal to your sex drive” Lucille glanced at Cosmo’s bulge again and her eyes glittered a rainbow of prism that sent Goosebumps up his thighs right to his scrotal sac. His bulge tried even harder to stand at attention and he knew he would be working through the night and possibly into the morning in his multiple attempts to give Lucille coital satisfactions. The smile she flashed him let him know it would not be all work on his part. Well not literally anyway. “They’ll eat any and all fauna you have in your garden. Ever since that Triible prank Spock and I have been working on infestation control. We used this to control a precious mouse problem Simon had in the Hobbit Shire. A few sprays of Sauron gas will do the trick but the bigger issue is finding out who did this to you.“. Another playful grin. “I expect to be played like a grand piano tonight maestro.” With the grace of a butterfly Lucille flapped two winglets and the wind it created spread the Sauron gas to the effected areas. This simple flapping of butterfly wings set off a series of events that destroyed the locust, the frogs, washed the blood from the Nile and created a severe weather pattern that would one day become known as El Nino. When she turned to look at Cosmo her hair lit up a neon red and her eyes glowed a fluorescent black signaling she was ready for the intimated romp in the clouds. Satisfying a goddess was beyond the typical gods payscale but Cosmo had an unusual eagerness to satisfy which left him quite in demand with the goddesses all over. Cosmo was obligated now to work all night and give it the old college try. If any god could bring about a climax to a goddess it would be Cosmo.
So another evening of bliss was staring Cosmo in the eye and he was up to the task. He applied many of his skillful tricks and spent nearly five hours pleasuring the beautiful Lucile who squirmed with delight. She squealed like as if she had just won the happiest labia lottery. But she had still not climaxed fully and Cosmo was losing stamina. It was time for Cosmo to insert his secret weapon. Literally. He positioned his head at a right angle directly below the clitoral forest and his tongue sprouted from between his lips to deliver the orgasm inducing move. This was Cosmos signature sex move and never failed on non gods. But this was Lucille, and he would need to add all the extra umphh a god can muster. The point of Cosmos tongue entered the love canal with the force of a dragon in heat. He twisted it and twirled it getting it soaking wet and ready. Now for the big move. Cosmo laid her back, spread her legs with her feet pointing a perfect 10 towards the ceiling and poised his raging god hard on at the center of Lucille’s G spot. Then the move. A one and a half triple ollie over the vulva godlever with a quadruple insertion propelled thumper followed by a triplespin. And he stuck the landing! Man oh man did he stick the landing as everyone in garden earth must have feared the most fierce lightning and thunder storm in its history. Her climaxing wail sent vibrations clear across the planet and the spark from her freshly satiated eyes lit up the darkest crevices of the thickest jungles. Tsunamis tsunamied, hurricanes hurricaned, and it shook the cones from all the conifers in the world. If there had been life on Mars it would have stood up and applauded. Lucile had come and an left no doubt about it! After several minutes of satiated heavy breathing which caused gale force winds on earth she began her attempt to repay the salacious favor. She reached between his legs, directed the throbbing divining rod between her pulsating thighs and drew him back inside for the ride of his life. The two went at it for nearly two earth days straight exchanging climax with climax in a feat unequaled by any other. They were the Pyramus and Thisbe of District 7 and one of the few pairings of god and goddess that were able to satisfy each other so completely. They lay wrapped in each others arms long after their sexual urges had been completely eliminated. Exhausted both it was Cosmo that finally found enough strength to talk. “Sweet Amphion you were as incredible as ever sweet Lucy. I can’t remember a time I have ever felt so fucking good.” Lucile smiled a freshly fornicated smile. “You tease Como, but I like it. And you have come up with some new moves I see. You should have that thing copyrighted! I can’t say I ever experienced anything quite like it.” Cosmo blushed as he had indeed learned a few new “tricks”. He too however was satisfied beyond his expectation and could do little more than smile. The two lay in bed and drifted off to sleep after checking that the Sauron gas was working.
Cosmo was thrown off the bed and ripped from the hugging arms of deep sleep by a strange noise. A loud rapping of millions of clacking surfaces like a ton of marbles ha been thrown in the room. Clickety clack, clackety click louder an louder. Cosmo leapt to his feet with a confused “What the Fuck!” He peered out through the window and saw that his garden was literally under attack by a giant all encompassing hail storm. He jumped into action and was able to stop the storm immediately but much damage had already occurred. Many of his creatures, youmans included had been killed and a lot of crops had been decimated. The damage was everywhere. “Athos Damn it to eternal nebula!” Lucy was up and wide awake as well and surveyed the situation. “Holy fuck Cosmo, this is really messed up. Someone is really screwing with your garden and shows nary a sign of stopping. You’ve gotta get to the bottom of this and put this shit to an end.” Cosmo was near tears and in a barely audible voice aid, “Yea, no shit. This is totally fucked up Lucy.” Hailstones the size of not yet invented volleyballs were pounding the earth. The Ice Age had begun while the couple slept in post coital bliss! On the plus side it killed all the pests.