Evolution is the story of how everything came to be what it came to be, like our ability to communicate. From simple grunts, to pictures and words we evolved our communicative skills to near perfection. But the Bible was written in the third century based on tales heard many years before that. What I’m saying here is I can’t take the story literally because communication hadn’t evolved enough back then so the way it was told back in Constantine’s era. I mean shit man it was told by dudes with names like Theodosius, Diocletian, and Ezana so how reliable can it really be? Take Genesis for example, the story of how man and woman became lovers to create life. Or was it the scandalous story of a biracial copulating couple? I mean even Theodosius wasn’t naïve enough to believe that two humans popped up out of nowhere. Well actually one popped up, the other happened to have the perfect receptacle. Adam and Eve weren’t the first man andd woman to enjoy the ins and outs of sex, but they were essential to evolution because they fucked themelves into the most important mutation, the mutilation created from two separate races. So toss out your often told story of The origin of man and let me give you the up to date tale of Adam an Eve.
Just as animals evolved into other animals, so did we evolve from some sort of animal. Simians. Similar in shape to our tree dwelling ancestors we walk upright on two legs and use our hands as tools. So the original peoples of the earth evolved from animals and grew up in tribes. Each tribe or community took care of itself, its only purpose was to reproduce thereby keeping the tribe alive. Survival. That was the key. Most tribes were hunters or scavengers, either killing and eating animals, or scavenging the vegetation already here on earth. However, in an area we now call the Middle East, the so-called fertile crescent, two tribes stood out amongst all others. They had become far more advanced than most other tribes. These two tribes used reason and logic, and figured out a way to survive working together as a colony. One tribe, The Aggies, learned how to manipulate the vegetation and grow it at will using soil, sun and water. With complex systems of irrigation they farmed the land and became prolific growers. The other tribe, The Shepherds, learned how to manipulate the cattle and sheep, and penned them up creating a seemingly endless supply of milks and meats. They used complex systems of herding and became prolific meat manipulators. These two tribes habituated a very large area which was called the Garden of Eden. They didn’t like each other because they were so different, the Aggies out farming in the sun all ay had a darker complexion and more muscular features, and the Shepherds had lighter skin tones and blond hair. In the interests of co-habitating the naturaly rich and fertile Garden of Eden they used their logic and reason to devise boundaries which they agreed not to cross. So the Aggies habitated in the soil rich North section of Eden and the Shepherds the South. Both tribes kept to themselves and existed peacefully until one incident set off a series of events that would forever change the world.
One of the Aggies, a young adventurous male decided to take a walk in the area that was designated as no mans land which neither tribe considered valuable. He came across a small waterhole in which an exotic young woman was bathing. He didn’t recognize her so he knew she must be one of the sneaky Shepherds and when he looked closely at her something seemed to tickle his toggle switch. She looked much like he did only fairer in skin and hair which seemed oddly enticing She had a pale yet smooth almost silken complexion and long colorless long hair bursting with long waving curls. She had eyes of bright turquoise which seemed to sparkle like evening stars. He found her rather attractive stealing a glancas she bathed with water glistening off her exposed white breasts. It made his stomach queasy in a kind of playful way. More than that, there was something downright intriguing about this woman. He spied her with great delight and began to wondering if she was like the women of Aggies in other ways. Okay, let me spell it out for you. He began feel that all too familiar tingling of the loins that cause men to lose control. He began to wonder if she enjoyed the pleasures of sex in the same manner women of his tribe had enjoyed him and envisioned what it would be like to have her in his bed. He imagined making wild unbridled passionate love to her. Considering the times, perhaps it was bridled sex, but whatever, she made him horny as….. For lack of a better term, all Hell. Both his mind and his hanging cha began to swell and he turned away to allow both to subside, promising himself a return visit.
More than jus a visit this young farmer began wandering down to the waterhole every day and watched from the cover of brush as she bathed herself getting more and more horny each day. He stared in awe until one day he needed to till her soil so he got up enough nerve to confront her. “Young maiden of the Shepherds, why do you come here each day an sit naked in this waterhole?” The young maiden pretended to be alarmed even though she had been aware of his hiding and staring since his first visit. Frankly, she was flattered and just as curious as he was. She too had experienced a tingling sensation in her nether regions and every bit as interested in exploring carnal possibilities. “I come here to bath myself land tiller, not to be stared at by some Aggie hiding in the brush. Why do you come here and stare at me?” The young Aggie gave this some thought, because quite frankly he wasn’t sure himself why he was here. “ I come not to stare at you but to explore the area and determine if the land is fit for growing” he lied. The young maiden blushed slightly when she saw the lust in his dark brown eyes. “Are you sure it is the land which explore? It seems to me you are looking at my body and I believe that is not vegetation I see growing under your loincloth” The audacious young maiden gave him a look that offered more a challenge than a venting of distain. She blinked her eyes at him and something strange happened. He felt a Funny feeling in his stomach as though the seeds he used to grow things themselves were festering from within. He boldly chose to accept the challenge. “It is true that have gazed upon you and appreciate the…..unusual beauty you possess. Indeed I was hoping perhaps you were an Aggie and would be my maiden an share my bed with me.” The Aggie could feel his entire body shaking and the young Shepherd maiden did not back away. She moved closer to the Aggie. “I am a Shepherd woman, not a dirt laden Aggie maiden. And you young Aggie, you are filled with dirt from your farming. If I were to ever consider being a maiden to the like of you I would expect you to be clean. Why don’t you come in here and allow me to bathe you?” It was more of an order than an invitation but that was of no consequence because the winds of caution had blown enough of his loincloth away to reveal his desire. He approached the watering hole with a modicum of trepidation and a mountain of spunk. She held out her hand and he accepted and they both shuddered ever so slightly. He dropped his loincloth completely exposing that the fruit underneath it was ripe for the picking. He stepped naked into the waterhole beside her with his rake pointed the direction. For five minutes they stared at each other while cleansing every inch of their bodies. They dedicated special attention to the areas that demanded intense inspection with eyes sparkling of curious wonder. The Aggie closed his eyes and allowed this maiden, this Shepherd woman to slowly and methodically polish his purple headed mushroom stem. “Methinks my Aggie that you have something other than bathing on your mind.” Unable to form an actual word, the Aggie grabbed the maiden in his arms and laid a big fat spit swapping mouth organ exercise regimen on her using his tongue muscle very skillfully. This was something new to the maiden, and at first she wanted to pull back. However, once she realized how good the tongue tango felt, she greedily sucked his tongue into her mouth and allowed the saliva filled dance to continue. Well I don’t have to tell you what happened next. Sparks flew, fluids oozed, and soft moaning was the only form of communication. Of course the two lovers understood they braved the scorn of their fellow tribe members by allowing their naked bodies to exchange these biological fluids. But it felt so crazy good they did indeed continue to explore each other and exchange passion and bodily fluids. Four times. It wasn’t until after the fourth round of carnal explorations led to exhaustion that they even introduced themselves to each other. “I am called Adam, which means man.” To which the maiden replied, “Indeed Adam, you are quite the man. More so than any Shepherd I have ever known. My name is Eve, which means life.” With a big fat satisfied grin Adam replied, “Life indeed Eve, you have breathed much of it into me unequaled by any other Aggie I have ever known.”
So Adam and Eve began to meet each other every day and made love like a couple of school kids. But all was not so good back at the tribes. The other Aggies were beginning to get suspicious because Adam never ever seemed to be dirty. How could anyone work the soil all day yet remain free of dirt. And back at the Shepherds they began to get suspicious because Eve was always happy, humming songs and whistling show tunes, and showed no interest in even the most handsome of Shepherds.
It would be another ten or so centuries before the world became aware of sex amongst the same gender so Eve’s apparent disinterest in men was incredibly suspicious, and in the Aggie camp Adam was also considered an anomaly. As it happened that the suspicious leaders of each tribe sent someone to follow their respective tribe member delinquents on the very same day. Once at the watering hole, the Aggie spy hid in the north woods, and the Shepherd spy hid in the south woods. At first the spies were appalled and shocked. But Adam and Eve were both so very sexually talented, and each brought such wonderful new tricks specific to their tribe that it became more of a show. The very first live sex show, no tokens needed. It is believed at least one, perhaps even both had become so excited while watching that they pleasured themselves before retuning to the tribe leaders to give the reports.
With soiled loincloths the spies, Cain and Abel, returned to their chiefs. The tribe leaders were livid. Furious! How could this possibly happen? It was the most outrageous act that had ever occurred anywhere in the crescent. A violation of fertilizing a Shepherds love crescent. They both paced, in different colonies yet somehow in unison, until the sinners returned to their folds. The minute Adam returned to the Shepherd village he was grabbed by the biggest and strongest Aggies and brought before the leader. “Adam, I am quite disappointed”, he said, “You have disrespected every member of our tribe by engaging in this disgusting act with a Shepherd woman.” Adam didn’t answer, he just stood there looking sheepish, which for an Aggie was another no no. “You’re despicable act has left me with no other choice. You shall be banned forever from the garden of Eden. Go now, get out and never return. Take your Shepherd slut with you!” Adam sadly walked to his hut to gather his belongings. Inside he saw his best and now only friend. “How did he find out” he asked of this friend. “Well Adam, you were spied on by Cain. He followed you and reported back to the leader.” Adam shook his head and mumbled, “Cain, of course. I should have guessed. That shit spreading scum sucker is gonna pay for this someday.” And with that, Adam left towards the waterhole hoping to see Eve there one last time.
Eve of course had a similar experience, and she too was permanently banned from the Garden of Eden. Eve was certain it was Abel that had spied on her as Abel had always tried putting the moves on her but she forever denied his advances. Reluctantly she too had to leave, and also chose to have one last look around the sexually charged waterhole in hopes that somehow Adam might be there. As luck would have it, which luck often does in fiction, they met at the very same moment and exchanged stories of banishments.
So hand in hand Adam and Eve left, banished from the Garden of Eden forever. Eve had allowed the serpent to penetrate her glory forest and nothing would ever be the same. In shame they walked out of The Garden Of Heathen forever, Eve holding in her free hand the apple Adam had grown for her, and with his free hand Adam held the metaphoric snake, which Eve had skillfully and completely herded.