The Sick Bastards Network presents : The Buck Bone Naked Chef

naked chef

The hottest new kitchen competition in town
Rated WSC (Warped Sexual Content) Parental discretion advised, in fact, everyone’s discretion

Its hotter than Hells kitchen, bigger and harder than any of the Top Chefs, more dangerous than having it Chopped. Its here and its sure to make the Doughboy rise and pinch Melba‘s peaches. The Buck Bone Naked Chef lets it all hang out in this bare bones competition that leaves no sharpening stone unturned. Watch as three culinary contestants ply their culinary trade in the buff. That’s right, three naked chefs competing for the coveted title of The Buck Bone Naked Chef.
Tonight We’ll see if Jack has what it takes to whip up your soufflé or fall short. Will Destiny get the dough to rise or end up going down? Will Stan fluff his meringue into stiff peaks or take it on the chin. Join our three judges Ben Dover, Hal Apeno, and Helen Back as they choose who’s naked body raises their bar and who goes home fully dressed and unsatisfied…
I’m your host, Hugh Jass so come join me now. First let me introduce our contestants. From Pullet Pennssyvania, Master Chef of “The Back Door”, Jack Mioff. “I’m Jack Mioff and I work 16 hour days so I won’t stop until I’ve given every ounce I have.” …He sure looks like he can go the distance, next here from Deepcavern Nevada , chef Destiny Dancer who heads up the culinary staff at “Swinging On The Maypole” in downtown Twin Peaks, “Me and my girls are coming for you boys, you better be up for it.” ….Hoho, threatening words from a pretty lady. I’m even feeling it,haha. And finally, Stan Duprite, the very popular New York City chef at “The G spot”,.. “ When I pull out my secret weapon it will bring them to their knees.”…. Oh boy, sounds like he’s got more than just a few tricks under his apron, we’re gonna have some very stiff competition tonight. So Let’s get right to it contestants. In the first round we’ll be looking to see what these naked culinary competitors can come up with using the secret ingredients, Zucchini and Oysters. Chef’s, take off your clothes and get to work, you have 20 minutes to pull it off.

Jack has turned on the Hobart 10 gallon mixer ..Oh my god look at him go, he has the mixer on low and he’s rolling his hips in time to the machine. Lets listen in on the judges, “ Hal, it looks to me like he’s hanging A bit too low and….Ohh snap, that had to hurt!”.. “I’ll bet it did Helen, not sure how he’ll get that out of the whisk. I would have used a paddle myself whada you think Ben?” “I don’t know Helen I think the paddle would’ve pulled it just as hard.” “You might be right Ben, but either way he’s gonna have to get that thing out of the mixer.” …. Lets go on over and see what Destiny has working up. Well look at this folks Destiny is giving you viewers quite a treat as she rolls out her dough. That’s some serious bouncing right there, haha. .. Back to the judges, “Holy crap Helen what ees she doing with dat zucchini?” “I can tell you this Hal, the way she is washing that thing the zucchini may come squeaky clean but I can’t wait to see how it makes Stan Duprite deal with the sight, he hasn’t taken his eyes off her.” No kidding Helen, Hal you seem to be staring yourself. I hope they can get back to work..”….. They aren’t kidding folks, Stan hasn’t moved a muscle. Well hasn’t moved a muscle aside from the obvious hanging chad muscle, haha…. Tell you the truth I’m not sure she’s washing the zucchini it looks to me its more like she’ greasing it for something. Lets go see if Chef Duprite has his head back in the game. I see he’s not standing still, he’s just having trouble getting his oysters off. Seems the shell is clamming up him, hahaha. But it looks like all three are making headway. Whoa, hear that bell, 2 minute warning constants, time to wrap things up and start plating for the judges.
While our contestants plate their appetizers lets meet our judges for tonight’s competition. From Mexico, the man who puts then heat in the meat of Mexican food everywhere, Hal Apeno. “Tank a you, tank a you, I am berry pleased to be here.”…Okay Hal. A man of few word, haha, and now the lady who has gone from being a homeless crack addict to restaurant whore, I mean restaurateur, Helen Back. “Hellooo everybody. So nice to be here on Naked Chef Bone. Can’t wait to see all the booty. Heheh, I mean bounty Hugh, not booty, hehehehehe. I‘m just happy to be near you Hugh Jass, teehee”… And I‘m certainly happy to be near you Helen. I can see you have your big cleavage…Oops, hahaha, I mean your big cleaver tonight Helen. Better watch out for my meat, hoho. How much did that monster set you back. Four dollars and ninety cents I think, I gave the guy a five dollar bill and he gave me back two nipples. Oops, heheheheh, I mean I don’t know how much Hugh.” ….No worries Helen, we speak blond here on Sick Bastard Network so we know just what you mean honey. And now our final judge, the man who puts the coarse in intercourse, Ben Dover. “Oh piss off Hugh, when your tip reaches your butt you can just fuck yourself.” … haha, eat shit and live Ben. I see Ben is in rare form tonight so contestants, bring out the dishes. What have you got there Jack?
“Well I got off to a rough start putting too much of myself in the bowl there, but I made autoerotic oysters, Oysters tied around this slice of zucchini bread with smothered onions.“ Mmmm, looks good Jack, lets see what the judges think, Hal? “No very spicy but still she’s a hot, not bad there Jack Mioff, not bad at all.”…All right. Confidence from Hal, not bad at all, Helen? “It feels good going down my throat but its much too big. I like to start off with small mouthfulls.” Okay Helen, well said, how bout my angry friend Ben, what say you? “Piss off Hugh, this looks and tastes like shit.”…Oh no, not much praise from Ben Dover. Next we have the well endowed Destiny. What do you bring to the table Destiny? “I made a dill cake with greased zucchini and raw oyster because they make me horny.”…. Hahaha, I think I’m horny too Destiny, but what about our judges, Hal? “Spicy and hot. I want her.”… Ho ho, I hope you mean it not her, Helen? “I just can’t get that image of her greasing the zucchini out of my head, so slow, up and down, and up and down. I vote for her to do it again. How on earth did you get the bread so tasty Destiny?” “Oh, hehehe, I used fresh dill because fresh dill makes a tasty dill dough.” …. Okay lets not go there, too deep for me, haha, lets move on. Ben? “piss off Hugh, I just want to screw her. I’d like her to Ben Dover, haha.” ….Good enough Ben, good enough, believe it or not that’s big props from Ben Dover. Finally what did you make Stan Duprite? “Well not Ben that for sure Hugh, haha, I made a zucchini pancake with oysters absolut. Vodka glazed oysters with some bacon and Vidalia onion chutney on top.” …Mmmmm sounds delish to me, whadaya think there Hal? “Actually this shit looks good and tastes amazing. Maybe just nees a little hot sauce.” …Another nice compliment from Hal, lets hear what Helen has to say… “My God Stan is hung like a horse. What I’d really like is for Destiny to grease his zucchini, hehe. But I really like the way this whole thing feels in my mouth.” …My that’s a ringing endorsement from the slutty, oops sorry, I mean sultry Helen Back. Now our final judge, Ben?…. Get your head out of your huge ass Hugh, you know this food rocked it. But does he have to keep swinging that humongous sausage around?” ….Well Helen seems to lick it, I mean like it. Contestants, one of you will be eliminated this round lets see who has to get dressed.
Well the judges have spoken. Jack, your zucchini bread was pretty flat but your sticking it in the mixer was entertaining, Destiny, greasing that zucchini was so intense all three judges voted for you to have immunity this round, and Stan, I gotta say, you better not get too hard or there’s gonna be an accident for sure. So the first one to put their clothes back on… Jack Mioff. Sorry jack, get dressed an go back home. “Fuck you guys, this game sucks. I want to slap you Hugh.” …Whoa!! Ha ha, I’m ready for it, go ahead Jack Mioff. There goes one sore loser, but then if I had my beef jammed in the mixer I’d be black and have the blues too. Lets go to the final round. Contestants your ingredients for tonight’s entrée is banana, figs, and pork tenderloin. Destiny, Stan…..get to it, you have thirty two minutes.

Stan is off to a fast start, he has his tenderloin up on the counter and it looks like he’s… massaging it? Oh wait, I see what he’s doing, look at Destiny fixated on Stan’s tender loin. Lets listen in on our judges… “Conyo man, dat some huge tender dere Helen, si?” “Oh yea I see that thing Hal, Destiny seems to be staring too she better snap out of it and…oh wait, oh my God, I never knew anyone could peel a banana like that!” “Holy cheet Helen, Stan just dropped his meat pounder.” ..“Will you two idiots quit babbling, of course he dropped it for chrissake, look at the way that broad is eating the banana!” Wow!! Damn she’s not eating it, she’s sucking that thing and I want to take notes, if I could do a banana like that I’ll have both of you guys licking my fingers and eating me out.” ….Hoho, I think Helen meant eating out of her hand but either way everyone has stopped everything and…..Wait, what’s this?? Oh oh, this could be bad news for Stan, he may get disqualified. He has piled up all the ingredients in a tower. That’s quite an erection he’ got there, no pun intended, hope he can recover. Destiny is back by the stove and is she ever giving our viewers a view. Ten minutes to go contestants, Stan, better calm that thing down before it gets disqualified. We want you to stick it out, but not that far out, haha, and Destiny I sure hope you have something to lay on your plate. We’ll be back after these messages from our sponsors, Trojan Condoms, with their new stealth rubber, she’ll never see you coming, and our favorite fast food chain, Mc Do-me’s, they give you the meat but hold the pickle.

Welcome back folks, the final bell has rung and its time to find out who gets dressed and who gets their own reality show. Judges, lets see what Destiny and Stan have for you. Destiny, what is your entrée? “I have roast tenderloin with rolled up balls of figs. As a side I placed the tip of the banana into a sliced fig.” Oh my, that’s an interesting presentation, it looks almost phallic, Hal? …“Phallic schmallic Hugh, I jus wanna see her eat another banana.” …Sorry Hal, that trigger has already been tripped, Helen? ..”Destiny, meet me after the show!” ….Helen I’m not sure, “Piss off Hugh, let them meet Helen said I can watch! Just give her the prize and get rid of the dude.” ..Um, oh, I..I.. It doesn’t work like that Ben, we need to judge. Lets go quick, And I mean quick to see what Stan cooked up for us, Stan? …”Not that I think its even gonna matter, but I made scaloppini of pork tenderloin wrapped in grilled banana, with a cognac fig reduction and a purée of savory banana over cinnamon infused Jasmine rice.” …That sounds mighty tempting Stan, what do you thin Hal?…”Taste good, but not as good as dee chick.” Yikes, Helen? Helen? Stan, you can’t do that, get away from Helen…”Shut up Hugh, don’t stop Stan, if you keep going until I come you get my vo….oh shit, that was pre mature!!” Helen, please, this is…”Piss off Hugh. We all voted and the dude is out. Clean yourself off and get dressed Duprite! Bring those melons over here sweetheart, you’re the winner.” …. Ben you can’t say that kind of….oh, damn…We’ll be right back…CUT!!! Go to commercial now!!”
Hello folks, welcome back I’m Hugh Jass here at The Buck Bone Naked Chef on The Sick Bastard TV Network, along with our celebrity judges, Hal Apeno, Helen Back, and Ben Dover. Well we had an unconventional show tonight to say the least but with this cast its about what we’d expect around here. We have to say good bye to a fierce competitor, but quite frankly Destiny made it hard for him from the start. In fact she made it hard for just about all of us. Stan plunged in and gave it his all but in the end he got beat by his competitor. Destiny made it so long and hard for him he just had to down, and not just on Helen, haha. His cream wasn’t rising to the top no matter how hard he was…I mean tried. Stan, put your clothes on and hit the road dude, Destiny will remain naked. “Can I just say I had a great time here. I won’t be able to beat it for a while but I am glad I came. Helen, thank you for your number I’ll give you a call. Destiny, if I had to go down I’m glad it was on you, I will never forget seeing your milk pillows bounce as you rolled out your dough. I think my only mistake was with the thickness of my pork, I didn’t pound my meat enough, but Destiny’s knockers knocked it out of the park anyway.” …Indeed they did Stan, glad to see your not a sore loser. Personally I can’t wait to watch Destiny beat her next opponents on Buck Bone Naked Chef Champions. In the meantime I’m gonna Ben Dover my Hugh Jass to Helen Back until Hal Apeno makes it Stan Duprite so Destiny Dancer can Jack Mioff. Thanks for joining us, I’m a Hugh Jass and we’ll see you next time on, The Buck Bone Naked Chef.

Transcendental Medication, episode IV


Warning sexually graphic and explicit material. Seriously, if you can’t handle it blatantly erotic then…… I’d turn back if I were you

Previously on TM

I jumped in and rowed like a maniacal teen about to lose his virginity towards whatever waited for me across the pond. When I got there the other side it was even more amazing than I thought possible.

Not a nurse, not a dominatrix, not even an exotic island native woman, but that gorgeous hazel eyed enticing beautiful woman from my first visit dressed as if for a date “I’m so glad you chose to come back JT, I am Ambrosina. I’ve been waiting for you. Come to me.”

IV Waking the Seed
J.T. Hilltop

My entire body trembled in anticipation. I felt my groin throbbing, blood coursing through every fiber. She had let her coal black hair down and it flowed effortlessly over her bare shoulders and milky white arms. Ambrosina allowed an inch and a half of cleavage escape the partially unbuttoned bright red shirt that competed with enticing red lips. The competition didn’t end there as a very short silky black skirt barely covered her long muscular legs that exposed just enough bone structure. Bare legged with high spiked heel super sexy strappy shoes attesting to the fact that he was perfect from head to toe. Everything about her screamed “Come Fuck Me” I stuttered, “A-A Ambrosina? Hi, I’m, I mean, well you know me, and I think, I mean I would love to get to know you. You, you’re a, you’re so very, um, so very” Ambrosina cut me off allowing me an escape from my awkwardness. “Hot JT? Come on, you can do better than that. I know what you’re here for and I’m here ready to give it to you so why not come on over here and get it? Then we can get acquainted.”
Full scale trembling now, awkward an understatement. I proceeded towards her and she opened her arms inviting me to come close to her. My eyes were drawn instantly to her smooth round breasts reaching out of her blouse. When we embraced I had already reached the point of full erection and it was not unnoticed. Ambrosina smiled and gently grinded her hips so delicately and sensuously I was afraid I might let it go in an instant but instead I grinded back just as sensuously surprising myself. Her full red lips parted allowing an “ohhhh” to sneak out. My mouth made its way directly to hers as we clenched each others mouths in passionate desperation allowing our tongues to writhe together hungrily. We exchanged mmmmm’s an ahhhh’s, words being an afterthought. My left hand went up under her blouse and found its way to her supple soft breast. So perfectly round and smooth I massaged it gently squeezing an erect nipple in my fingers. I bent my knee and gently rubbed my thigh between her legs extracting the response I hoped for. With my right hand I unbuttoned what was left of her blouse, removed it completely and gave both of her perfect breasts my undivided attention. I gently squeezed her large an erect nipples and she responded in a purring sound her hand encompassing my penis through my pants. Very gently she traced her long nails up and down my cock sending me into near shock ecstasy. “Oh my JT, seems something here is ready, why don’t you take off you clothes and let me show you what you want?”
Fully naked I laid down on a soft bed of sand and Ambrosina stood over me straddling my hips still in heels and skirt. She squatted down over me barely touching my erection with soft pubic hairs. No panties, oh my god could this get any better. She knelt over me holing my erect penis between her fingers and passionately kissed me. “Are you going to get undressed too?” She threw her skirt off, put her full lips up to my ear and whispered softly, “Everything but the heels honey, the shoes stay on. I want you to feel my shoes on your face when you fuck me.” I think I gulped loudly but I was slightly dizzy. She had let go of my dick so she could kiss my chest working her way down my stomach. Once she got to my crotch she regained hand control of me and kissed the head of my throbbing erection. “I want to hear you beg me JT, I want to hear you plead for me to fuck you.” her mouth covered the tip of my dick ever so slowly began to descend. About a quarter of the way down she stopped ,swirling her tongue all over the head. Up an down halfway softly slurping and humming Uh huh uh huh bringing me perilously close to cumming. I blurted it out, “Please fuck me Ambrosina” but she stopped sucking, looked at me teasingly with those magnificent hazel eyes simply saying, “not yet baby, not yet.” She straddled my head squeezing it with thick hard thigh muscle then plunged a damp pussy to my lips. Instantly my tongue explored as deeply as possible and I reached one hand around her ass and with the other tried to rub her clitoris. “Make me cum JT, I want to cum on your lips.” She gyrated her pussy in circles around my greedy mouth while I feverishly shoved my tongue in and out of her all the time rubbing her clitoris. She let me know how effective I was, “Oh god baby yes, yes yes yes, don’t stop, don’t stop” getting louder and more desperate by the second. I obliged with my tongue and finger working her to a screaming orgasm. Her hips shook my face dripping warm love juice all over my mouth.
The two of us now panting and breathless were not close to being done. Ambrosina returned the attention of her lips to my still throbbing dick this time engulfing it fully. She removed her mouth and stroked me gently with the perfect amount of tease to keep me hungry but not allowing me to come. She got on top of me and again straddled my groin with her hips, inserting the tip of my rod into her dripping wet pussy. She moved up and down slow and deliberate allowing just an inch of me inside her. I had no idea what was keeping me from exploding semen into Ambrosina but she had somehow held me off. “You want me to fuck you all the way baby? Or maybe I’ll just fuck the tip?” Ambrosina bounced lightly up and down allowing just the tip of my manhood inside. Her eyes sparkled with pleasure as I squirmed attempting to thrust deep upwards, “All the way babe, all the way. Fuck me Ambrosina, please fuck me.” She stopped moving up and down and wriggled teasingly, “Not yet hon, a little more playing.” She continued moving up and down my pulsating cock and I tried desperately to thrust deep up into her. She reached around cupping my balls. I was ready to explode when she squeezed them tightly and came to an abrupt stop. She wriggled her groin into mine and I began begging, “please Ambrosina, please, whatever you want, I’ll be whatever you want, I’ll do whatever you want, just please let me cum inside you. I need you so badly, please!” She smiled got up off of me and came up to kiss me. I have never kissed anyone with so much desperation and abandon before. We embraced rolling around until she was beneath me with her long legs spread. “Come fuck me JT. I want you to fuck me.” I got on top of her, with a smooth hand she guided my cock inside her. I began pumping feverishly wanting to explode myself deep into her sweet love button but she placed her hands on my hips. “Long and slow honey, fuck me long and slow. I want to feel every inch of your big dick inside me.” As I was told I pumped slowly letting the entire length of my cock go slowly. I felt her muscles tighten around my member as I slowly allowed it inside her feeling our pubic hairs entwine. Then slowly back out all the way to the tip again. I penetrated her about ten times more like this, feeling every stroke, every nuance of love before I could wait no longer. She stretched her legs upwards her feet and sexy shoes squeezing my ears gently touching my forehead with her toes. “Kiss my toes and fuck me hard.” Again I did as I was told fucking her hard and sucking her toes as her heels dug lightly into my cheeks. I kissed the leather pumps and unbuckled the ankle straps. I couldn’t hold back anymore, paying so much tender attention to her feet had pushed me over the edge. I felt my sperm explode from my toes all the way through my body filling her with what felt like a quart of love juice, all the time still kissing and licking her toes and foot arches as she squealed with delight. I could feel her cumming again too and although drained I continued in and out of her for another two minutes before I collapsed.
“JT that was amazing, you did a fantastic job. You‘re almost done.” That was all we spoke as we both tried desperately to catch our breath. My chest heaved for ten minutes before I regained any inkling of composure. Ambrosina lay her head on my chest with her arm across my shoulder and life was unbelievably good. Twenty minutes passed when I felt her moving down towards my spent dick. She took me in her mouth brining me back to life expertly. We went at it again with her making the same requests, making me beg, this time kissing and stroking her bare feet and taking total control of me. I obeyed happily. She smiled at me then told me our next lesson would be the opposite.
I wasn’t sure what she meant but I was willing to find out as I lay in the sand totally exhausted, happy, and satisfied beyond belief. The smile on my face was so enormous my jawbone ached and my eyes were nearly closed. Ambrosina began gently shaking my shoulder apparently ready to go one more time but I was spent. I looked up saying, ?”Sorry babe I just could….oh, Dr. Kha, its you! ” God damn its confusing slipping in an out of realities here! Dr, Kha stood over me with a smirk, “I see you make visit to paradise JT. Must be careful not to get too wrapped up in desires, make you feel good but also cloud judgment. But she teach you secret of desire not me, I teach you everything about nothing. If you want see opposite universe it take much more than acupuncture, incense, and meditation, you needa transcendental medication. Tomorrow put you in sensory depravation tank with special punctures dipped in mixture of essences from Belladonna, Angel Trumpet, and Nutmeg Paste. Essence free mind and allow to see without eyes. Transcendental medication. Ownry then JT will you see truth, opposite universe, and maybe even understand nothing. Get some rest my boy, tomorrow is day you meet God face to face.”