Tag: Existential

FREE??

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free

 

Chained by your own apathy

Eyes blinded by the glare

You tell me you’re free and wonder why I stare

Back aching from the weight

Freedom taking a toll

Carrying crystals of your embittered soul

From the shadows of freedom

Hold them to the light they still won’t shine

 

 

But what is freedom anyway

Absence of care and grief

Choosing your belief

Monetary relief

My freedom is not the same as yours

My freedom is of the mind

To think free of my own design

Not your kind

Your tunnel vision causes derision

But its your decision, you’re free

 

 

My freedom can’t be won in war

Fought in the mud and paid in blood

You fear me because I empathize

I’m counter to your clockwise

I don’t fit into your expectations

I’m abstract thought creations

So just let me be

Nothing is truly free

No one is truly free

Except in your mind if you want to be

 

 

 

 

Inner Psychopath

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inner

 

 

They laugh at me

Snickering

I can feel their eyes

So much distain

Where does it come from

They don’t even realize

That in killing my spirit

They’re releasing

My inside hate

Ripping off my skin

Peeling away my face

Tearing down

My wall of esteem

Their words are burned

Under my skin

Scoffing at my reality

Karmic retribution

Is coming

From my inner psychopath

 

 

 

Is that what they want

To set free the evil

Churning inside me

Anger boiling over

Scorching their world

Then bring it on

I want the feel

Of warm blood

I want to taste

Life exiting

Breath stopping

Pain flow

I want them to know

Why they suffer

Why they cry

I will wipe that smug chuckle

Into the dirt

Let them burn

Squirm

Its their turn

Feel the wrath of

The inner psychopath

 

 

 

 

I could set him free

Let his havoc fly

Destroy the destroyer

Relieve paranoia

Instead I return

To my tedious world

Meek existence

Just another grain

Of sand on the beach

Another drop

Of brimstone rain

Insignificant

Venn diagram of a life

Never intersecting

Sentenced to life

With my inner psychopath

 

Shooting Star

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shooting star

 

Intense and beautiful

And so sad

A star shooting across the sky

Luminescent laser

In the evening celestial

Yet flying in despair

Mournful

Desperation in air

Extinguished so long ago

A beautiful sight

Even though it’s dead

Sorrowful elegant flight

Sad and beautiful

Shooting stars

Beautiful endings

Why must death appear to open our eyes

Just to recognize what matters

To appreciate the star

That is beautiful

But sad

 

 

 

 

A ballad so blue

Makes me cry

Because it’s beautiful

Because it’s sad

Somber lamenting music

Beat of the soul

Nothing is really sad

Until it ends

But when the music dies

Beauty subsides

Only the sad remains

Making us real

Sad and beautiful

Our world conflicted

Love restricted

Why does it take the worst to bring out our best

Shit happens

Just to feel sad

To make us act

To make us stand up and shout

We will survive

That is beautiful

But sad

 

 

 

 

 

In Her Arms

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in arms

 

The crimes of adolescence

Sometimes hard to understand

Still we knew we had each other

To face innocence hand in hand

On the battlefield of growing up

Finding solace in each others charms

But when I needed her to hold me

She placed a needle in her arms

Our garden once so fruitful

Now withering up dried

Despite how much I watered it

With all the tears I cried

And when I needed her to hold me

Share some cheap champagne

There wasn’t enough room for me

With that needle in her vein

 

And the needle in her arms

Replaced me in her heart

Coursing through her passion

Tearing us apart

And all the tears I cried

Couldn’t make the flowers stay

Because skags a drag that destroys life

And dragged my love away

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Needle

In her arms

Took her hurt away

A spoonful of medicine

But our love it would decay

Absorbed in her blood

Becoming her master

Her mister…..

I miss her

But I dismissed her

When heroin kissed her

She kissed back

Now I dress in black

Cause I cast her out

Out in the street on her own

To face perilous harms

The warmth of love our replaced

By the etchings in her arms

Tattoos of despair

Red scars of disarray

I lost her love

She lost her life

I was supposed to guard her

God damn it

I should have tried harder

 

 

She’s no longer alive

Kissed by midnight black tar

Left without a single care

Another shooting star

Burning across the night sky

To its death

At least that’s the story I heard

Or maybe its just how the legend is told

The therapy in her arms

Of her heart took a hold

Left her breathless one night

Was it her desperate passion

That made her tie off and shoot

Could she not live without me

Guess the points moot

Maybe it was on purpose

I will never know

If she held me in her arms

I would never let go

Too little too late

Life’s beholden to fate

 

I pray she found her peace

At least

What she never found in me

Her soul forever forgiven

Unconditionally

Or maybe there’s an angel

On a bright starry night

To pick up her memory

And in her arms hold her tight

 

 

 

At Least Sometimes

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at least

 

 

I tripped over my confidence

Stumbled over my identity

And came to rest on a mask

A midnight mask

I keep it on

It keeps me safe

At least sometimes

 

 

We never share all we are

With anyone

We all hide our truths

Keep secrets on the run

From everyone

Shield ourselves from ourselves

Hide inside our own shadows

And wear a midnight mask

So no one will see

The hidden real me

At least sometimes

 

But careful with your guise

You can’t always hide

If you stash away your self too far

You forget who we are

And become who you were

Again

Or even worse

Someone else’s version

Of who you should be

Instead of the me we all are

 

 

When your midnight mask

Makes us look back at our past

To stare into our own hearts

We find ourselves in our shadow

Trembling in our own fears

Afraid who we appear to be

Is not the true me

Even if it’s a stranger they see

Like it or not in the end

We all face the same thing

The fear that who we are

Can be seen through the holes

At least sometimes

 

Crying to ourselves

Without shedding tears

Yet still feeling the hurt

Pains we alone must face

When peering too deeply into our mind

We see not only our self

But the people around us

We tear off their masks

And wonder if they’re real

Or if they’re hiding too

 

I still don my mask

I find sanctuary in my façade

Comfortable in my strangers skin

Away from who I am

Or maybe who I was

Basking in my concealments

So no one can see

The truth behind the mask

My bones will turn to dust

My memories rust

Always will I wonder

Is anyone really happy

Is this just a dream or a game

The secret game all play

Who wants to win such a game

We all do

At least sometimes

 

 

The First Earth Day

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aaaaa

 

So lucky to have grown up with a generation that was conscious and aware of the importance of Mother Earth as well as humanitarian justice and the concept of inclusion . Although admittedly I wonder when many of my generation took on a cynical and self important view on life. But I won’t dwell on their abandonment of doing what’s right because frankly they aren’t worth an argument. Back in 1970 on this day in April even our high school and jr. high ( WTF is middle school anyway?) teachers and administration sided with the students on the preservation of earth and elimination of pollution. They allowed for us to be late without an excuse on Earth Day I provided we walked to school with garbage bags and cleaned up as we went. Great idea, and it worked to perfection.

My Jr. High school had a disproportionate amount of class clowns however and many of us would go to great lengths for a laugh. My usual pension for hijinx was unengaged this day as I took it very serious. Along with three of my best mates we took our garbage bags and walked to school picking up an unseemly amount of garbage. What the Hell is wrong with people to throw so much crap on the sides of the road. I never realized how bad it was and it left a lasting impression. We walked about two miles to school (Uphill in the snow while barefoot) and in the center of the school parking lot was a huge dumpster. We were already like an hour and a half late so of course we stopped by the dumpster to have a smoke before checking in school. I don’t remember what we were talking about, probably what was on Laugh In the night before, but suddenly two of my mates broke out in laughter. They were laughing so hard (possibly from the smoke) they couldn’t speak, they could only point. I turned to see what it was and immediately joined in the laughter.

Someone managed to speak, “Holy shit, it’s Kevin, Tony, and Steve pushing a Volkswagen full of trash!” Yea, those three won the most creative and clever and funny story of the year. They found an abandoned beat up Volkswagen bug and pushed it to school loading it up with garbage as they went. As for the school administration? Be careful what you wish for…..Peace and Happy Earth Day

 

No One Wins

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You were the only one Mom

The only one who ever knew

I thought everyone could see them

But scars fade from black and blue

 

You didn’t have my back mom

Let them stomp upon my spine

Never heard me when I cried Mom

And I cried all the time

 

You sent me on my own mom

So dad wouldn’t have it hard

To see the mark upon his name Mom

But his name’s my darkest scar

 

And now I face my own fears Mom

The kind you lived with all your life

I finally understand Mom

You made the perfect wife

 

Rules of life change all the time Mom

And what you always tried to say

Its no good to choose a side son

No one wins life anyway

 

 

 

Remember Her Name

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her name

 

 

Even through such weary tired eyes

Her beauty was enticingly apparent

Her lips trying hard to perfect a smile

My sullen image in her hollow mirrors

With tempting allure she rolled us a joint

So we could smoke away all the dirt

The grimy filth of two lost lonely lives

Enlightenment arousing our ignorant bliss

Two lonely souls sharing one special night

But I don’t even remember her name

 

 

Beneath the shine of comforting neon

Two naked bodies glowed into the night

She laid herself sacrificial a cradle of love

Where passionate desire unconditionally lay

Waltzing to the beat of a furious headboard

Hopeful bones melting in an amorous duet

The fires of our passions left silken grey ash

Leaving trails of our comfort confirmed salacious

One night two strangers fell deeply in love

Yet still I don’t remember her name

 

So many times I wished for another moment

Once more to relieve both of our pains

To lose ourselves inside of each other again

Singing songs we moaned tender that night

When demands were left forever unspoken

And all she ever asked to receive in return

A supple memory she could keep evermore

Like the love I cling from my desperate flight

I still remember the smell of lust in her hair

But I still don’t remember her name

 

When I woke up the next morning

I had but one little wish

That we could live that night over again

And again and again and again and once more

But it was one single moment in time

Still I think of her often

But let it pass

Because we both will always have that sapid memory

But she won’t even remember my name

 

Desperation

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des

 

Desperation is our motivation

Driving force of the living

Desolation is an abomination

The lengths to which we’re driven

Desperation is our fornication

Driving the force of our love

Masturbation casts ugly aspirations

Hide your hand inside a glove

Desperation drives my soul

Makes you wanna rock and roll

It makes you whole

Or so I’m told

Desperation and desolation

My flirtation is my creation

I’m a little dangerous a little daring

Arrogant humble and sometimes uncaring

Frantic and frenzied full of Goddam envy

Of those who know how to be friendly

Who get stimulation without desperation

And live a life of ease

 

 

 

Desperation knows no consternation

Desperation shaped my soul

Rehabilitation breeds a stronger foundation

But desperation makes me whole

 

Desperation straight into annihilation

A philosophy of doom

Mindless stagnation breeds aggravation

I’m gonna be there soon

 

Desperation drives my soul

Makes you wanna rock and roll

It makes you whole

Or so I’m told

Desperation and desolation

My flirtation is my creation

I’m a little dangerous a little daring

Arrogant humble and sometimes uncaring

Frantic and frenzied full of Goddam envy

Of those who know how to be friendly

Who get stimulation without desperation

And live a life of ease

 

 

 

 

 

FU Cancer

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fu cancer

 

Somewhere in everyone’s life

Cancer comes creeping

Looking for a place to stay

Cancer says can I come in?

You want my answer

Fuck you Cancer

Taking away my friends

My friends friends

And worst of all my Mom

I was her baby boy

The last of five dudes

Plus a baby girl with attitude

Until you got us all riled

Just after Mom and I reconciled

Years of angers subsided

Cancer your so damn vile

Ripping away my smile

With a sarcastic guile

So soon after I had it back you attack

Killer disease laughing all the same

And its you alone whose to blame

She didn’t even know my fucking name

On the last day that ever was

For my Mom

 

 

Got the word from my brother

A phone call from Hell

Didn’t wanna hear what he had to tell

Hey Man, Moms dead

She died in her bed

You mean she was alone?

No Bro

Cancer was with her

In her bones

Along with moans and groans

Our worlds so damn cluttered

We both shuddered

It was our Mother

Then we cried

As the cancer tried to hide

The coward disease

Attacking with such ease

Fuck you

Cancer you sleaze

 

Oh that horrible day

My eyes filled with tears

My life in arrears

Can I please make amends?

Depends

Is your heart on the line

You’re purpose genuine

Will you honor her dream?

Did you ever heard her scream

I barely even knew she was sick

I was such a dick

I’m so sorry Mom

It was me who was too combative

Too erratic

You deserved more than I had to give

If only you had lived

But cancer made It’s choice

And the lord expects me to rejoice

Take umbrage in his vision

In Gods decision

She’s better off now

So that’s your best answer?

Well fuck you cancer