EPIC FAIL

 

 

 

(National Suicide Prevention Lifeline..1-800-273-8255)

 

In the abyss of my desires
Under my hopes and dreams
Lie my unspoken thirst
To commune the beyond
Will I pass unto the gates
The passageway to eternity
Or does my fear of dying
Cause me to tremble with life
Shall I stand naked to the sun
Ready to melt into its warmth
Or shiver alone above the moon
Embrace the mother of all children
Soothe my soul asleep at her breast
Alas when I enter the realm of silence
I will finally be able to sing my song
When I reach the apex of my mountain
I shall finally be able to climb upward
And when Mother Earth claims my legs
I shall finally be able to dance
All I have to do is Die

 

Death is the female betrayed
The sweet song of Circe
The siren without mercy
But don’t expect her to curtsey
She comes clothed in a shroud
Whispering a dirge and a vow
But I can’t hear
The silence in my head is way too loud
My ears are exploding with trumpeting blood
An internal flood
A voice keeps urging me to do it
Go on…..End it
Type a goodbye note and send it
A life suspended but not extended
Don’t be offended but I don’t recommend it
Still the pain increases with no release
There’ll be no peace until I’m deceased
I need Mother Teresa
Nobody cares about a life in pieces
I feel defeated
Tried to die but failed completely
Many attempts veiled discretely
Not sure when but I’ll try it again
I need it to end…….but
How to do it?
A handful of pills to flood my brain
Take away all this insane pain
A razor to coax the syrup of life
Drain my blood to end my strife
Or will my loss of hope dangle from a rope
Perhaps I can finally OD on dope
Why do I even try
Why do I listen to the voice inside
Telling me I should die
Be better off dead he said
But I’m a failure inside
I didn’t even cry at my failed suicide
My sanctimonious attempt
With no final ride
So let me confide about all of my lies
I hated myself since the day I was born
Grew up busted disgusted and often forlorn
But that is my onus my own cross to bear
Bitching and moaning how life isn’t fair
Nobody cares
Death may not be me answer but still I try
To celebrate the day of my suicide
I don’t know, just guess I wanna die
Can’t figure out how I should say goodbye
I’m an epic failure need a suicide seminar
I failed at every suicide I’ve tried so far
Just can’t kill myself which I find bizarre
Maybe I should stop trying
I really suck a dying
Hopefully today I’ll get hit by a car

 

I lost a friend of mine since kindergarten to suicide. We lost touch and I found out later in life but it still haunts me. I suspect most of us have been effected by at least one suicide close to us, and I also suspect like me many of you have contemplated it however fleeting for at least a moment. Unlike the song in MASH suicide is not painless, especially to those who need to pick up the pieces. If ever depression send you down the road of self incrimination without a view of resolve, call a friend, write a letter, contact someone. I’ll listen, your family will listen, and if you need a stranger, The National Suicide Prevention Helpline is 1-800-273-8255.….
Live and Love in Peace

 

 

Where The Fuck Is My Karma

 

The Universe is The Abyss
Vast and dark
Full of mysteries
Contradictions
What we call life
Some say it’s a miracle
Others say its Kismet
Or collective consciousness
Alpha and omega
Birth and death
All in the infinite chasm
The abyss has laws
And a truth
But laws are lies
Truth is honest
The one Universal truth?
Life isn’t fair
No good deed goes unpunished
All I really want to know of life is
Something that’s missing
Where is my fucking Karma
But maybe Karma is just memories
The memories that hide in darkness
Remembering is so much harder when we can’t see
Yet I put all my heart in the concept of karma
Hoping its real……

 

 

 

In the days of nights
I chased empty headlights
All the sights and frights
Plus a few fist fights
While reaching for the heights
I yearned and I learned
And what did I earn?
I just got burned
So I made a U-turn
To go home and make my amends
Was I successful
I guess that depends
Just don’t ask my friends
For they will defend my offenses
At least the real ones will
I chose to repent
Let others air vents
Let day shine in the night
Make the moon shake with fright
So what I really want to know
Where the fuck did my Karma go
Doing the right thing just didn’t bring
Redemption or forgiving or anything
Because Karma don’t give a spit
Bout who you are or what good you did
It’ll leave you stranded and buried in shit
A flame all alone in the wind of misfits
Flickering
It aint revenge for bickering or snickering
Its just a word to ease the wilt
Of what we tell ourselves to ease our guilt
Karma’s a hoax we have built
Because that’s our ilk
A scarred and lonely crowd that’s far too loud
Clinging desperately to a fast moving cloud
Maybe if we promise to make God proud
Take cover beneath the religion shroud
But that’s not allowed
Not by The Abyss
So we turn our fragile minds and hide in our armor
Come on big Pharma
Give me some pills or give me some Karma

 

 

I subscribe to a positive vibe and apologize for this diatribe
But Goddam it how does one describe this feelings inside?
Mama told me I’d survive once Karma arrived but I was denied
Worse still I was alive and Karma was deprived…
I just cried
How long must I wait for my moment to thrive
Will I get my comeuppance while I’m still alive
Or will I die waiting to be revived
I was rehabilitated and humiliated while standing naked
Vulnerable and afraid of my own dehumanization
Praying creation would not bring my damnation
But making things legit became a fixation
Tried so hard to make things right
To make life tight
For so many years I did the good thing
Gave of my time offered my wings
But karma laughed and gave me the spurn
Got no return
Just got burned
Karma left me without having my turn
I believe in a spiritual transformer
I’m a tried and true performer
Righted my wrongs
Harmonized my songs
Still I never belonged
Destiny you owe me
I sowed the seeds that you sold me
Did good deeds like you told me
And what did I get in return?
Went from harmer to charmer
From reaper to farmer
But no matter how kind
What I need I could never find
And I don’t want to alarm her…..
But where the fuck is my Karma

 

 

Once Upon A Ginge

ginge

 

 

A city boy at heart who loves the urban chaotic

The asphalt pathways and concrete concubines

Where sirens and horns replace the blackbirds at night

I was positive I could never leave that behind

But the lady I cherished asked me to visit her home

Fields dreamed and the beauty in which she’d grown

Where we could be the keepers of each others secrets

Off to nirvana of farmlands last stand

For me a world unknown but grand

 

The wind tugged lightly on her bright orange curls

Sweet smelling wind pressed close the polka dot dress

Outlining her form and betraying salacious intention

A fiery red silhouette against the waning prism of day

Waiting for evening to lock tight the bright door of sunshine

Obscuring the once vibrant fields of yellow green and black

The towering sunflowers bowed their heads good night

Allowing the dark sky to light up unto a diamond landscape

Lust beckoned in the Kansas field

Two lovers both prepared to yield

 

Cicadas sang cricket love songs to the distant horizon

Tongues tangoed furious an erotic passion dance

The still night air was soaked in aphrodisia essence

Arms legs and torso’s in a desperate search of belonging

The ground trembling and writhing with reckless abandon

Where we clutched tight a duet of burning desires

An explosive vortex shrieked shattering the glass moonlight

A cantata of emotions led a orchestra of sizzling emotion

Satisfying of our carnal hunger

Brought us to a peaceful slumber

 

 

 

 

In morning the solar king held golden specters of light

Above grains of our love reaching up to the heavens

Creating Waves of wheat, corn , and tall shining reeds

And a carpet of green for lovers to frolic and stroll

We tip-toed the sharp blades of grass whistling a tune

One lasting song hummed in a lifetime serenade

The grandeur of serene bliss in this captivating pasture

Far from the garden iron barriers of urban decay

Passions equaled and skilled

Two lovers hopes fulfilled

 

But it seems nothing lasts

So time passed

An old cliché that may seem contrite

But

She turned left

And I turned right

Yet saving our brief magical connection

Is out of sight

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who Am I Now

who p

 

Modern beat poetry incorporating a Dylan Thomas technique

And giving Props to On The Waterfront and Palooka-ville

 

Who Am I Now

 

 

Who am I now

What have I become

Every button undone

Unfinished and diminished

A life on the run

Am I not still my mothers son?

She drew me a map to Wall Street

But I got turned around

Jumped on the fastest one way

Headed straight out of that town

I was gonna be someone

I was gonna be a man

She gave me her best directions

But I still turned and ran

I don’t care I love her

But she pushed me under

Its not that I’m trying to offend her but

I coulda been a contender

Instead of a bum

Which is what’s become

Anyhow

Who am I now

 

 

 

Who am I now

What have I turned into

Vacant and complacent

The highs I just keep chasing

Became a loser and a boozer

Always cruising for a bruising

A substance abuser who screwed her

And wouldn’t renew her

An epic fail falling off the rail

Looking for someone to pay my bail

I may look like I made it but

Oh my Gawd

There’s nothing left standing when

You tear down my façade

No more lightning rod

You don’t understand

I coulda had class

I could been somebody

I could taken my shot

Instead I got laughed at

A lot

Anyhow

Who am I now

 

In Praise Of The Sunrise

sun

(Inspired by my favorite Beat Poet)
A wrathful thunder shouted across a peaceful eve
Screaming its warning of a lightless abyss ahead
The brilliant sun god archer draws back its bow
Releasing its bright arrows towards the east
Directly into the heart of a rust colored Kimono
The surreptitious shards of amber energy emerged
Attempting to sneak up upon the quiet shore
Only to be left soaked in somber clouds of destiny
The landscape lay buried in ashen solitude
Arcane darkness glowed from the eyes of death
From out of a skull of ancient days passed by
Trees stood by tall in carnal anticipation
Rainbows shivered in the back of the line
The smoke of anguished laughter rose out of sight
And daytime strutted down the red carpet
Absorbing the cheers of its legion of fans
The bright yellow master glowed white on the paths
Thank you for rising to endow us another day