Sources tell me that the big game is coming and it may be cold. In fact its just around the corner now, the biggest game of the year, the one who’s name you cannot mention. It’s The Voldemort Bowl, the most spectacular corporate event and its sponsored by the NFL. Them and all the official companies that have paid them enough money for a title. There’s official pizza, soft drink, beer, bank, tire, soup, snack, battery, wireless communicator, tractor, razor, and who knows what else. All this corporate bullshit makes the actual game seem secondary.
But they will be engaging in a war on the football field here in New Jersey and since I couldn’t come up with enough cash to buy the title official blogger of the NFL I can’t use the term super if it’s followed by bowl. The NFL will aggressively attack anyone misusing their name, and if the NFL is known for anything, it’s aggression. They will allow me to call it “The Big Game” or“The Big Bowl Game” or “Super Sunday”,or “Super Football” but if I call it by it’s actual title I could be up for a lawsuit. I don’t wear suits unless it’s a wedding or funeral and I certainly don’t want a law one no matter how good I look in it. So Voldemort bowl it is, which when I say it out loud sounds better anyway. The Seattle Slytherins vrs. The Denver Gryffendoors plating The Vodemort Bowl at Hogwarts. Better believe I would pay to see a championship quidditch match at MetLife Center, cold weather and all.
Sitting in the freezing cold windy stadium to watch a bunch of guys pound the shit out of each other however is far less appealing to me. That’s a sacrifice I am not willing to make. I’ll stay home and not watch it on TV instead of not watching it live. I will tune in on occasion in order to catch a few commercials though, which for me is normally what the fast forward button is for. I know, its like saying I only by Playboy not for the disrobing of article of clothing but for the actual articles, but honest, I do tune in just for the ads. On Super Dish Sunday the marketeers put out their cleverest and funniest shit. So no football but I will attempt to time the commercials just right. Maybe I’ll tape them so I can do instant replay or further reviews. Anyway the game of football has been coming under fire lately for its excessive violence and concussion causing plays. Parents are concerned their children will become jaded, the way they di from thoe violent vieo games. I still blame Tom and Jerry for that time I beat up Johhny Jones in seventh grade. Just ssay no to football.
I don’t wanna preach here but seriously, Mama don’t let your babies grow up to root for Cowboys. They’ll eventually end up getting drunk in their mancave with their Buds watching violence on a giant screen yelling things like “Kill that mother fucker” or “somebody should shoot that sonova bitch”. During the sex drenched commercials they’ll have their eyeballs popping, tongues hanging out slobbering at the semi naked ladies, “Holy shit check out those melons” “Man I would do her all night” Right! Not without some Viagra for you and some chloroform for her you loser.
Right there is your son’s future if you don’t force them to play nerf flag football but frankly, who would pay for ads for that? Anyway I believe we are a few short years away from allowing the players to advertise the way NASCAR does. Peyton Manning trading in his Bronco uniform for a Papa Johns outfit, Derrick Colemen advertising with large Miracle Ear’s on his helmet and of course the mild mannered Richard Sherman dressed as a vial of Xanax, which by then will be the official chill pill of the NFL.
But back to reality, I’ve always been a fan of The Advertisement Bowl. I go all the way back to the “Thanks Mean Joe” days but more recent examples of ad bowl winners are The Zebra officiating the Clydesdales, The Darth Vader kid, Cute baby day trader, and of course the now infamous Apple Hammer Throw commercial. Now that I think about it, maybe the commercials should be out on the field instead of the players……..
Bud Light drops back to pass, Pepsi comes alive in the Pepsi generation charging up the middle with an all out Motorola no roaming charge blitz. Coke and a smile grabs the ball tossing into the food court. Dorito tips it to Cambells Chunky Style but it’s picked off by Papa Johns. And Papa John delivers, just not in thirty minute or less. Now for some analysis now from the official commentator of the NFL, the E-Trade baby. “ The Budweiser lizard coaching team should know you can’t put all your New Englands Best Eggs in one Peterboro Basket. When he saw the wrong call he should have gotten on his Samsung Galaxy IV and replaced the long lasting Duracell battery” Great commentary but back to our regular scheduled game. The Clydesdale horses have taken the field as a loud heart warming awww emanates from the crowd. “What do you think about that GoDaddy?” Stage left enters a very sexy group of ladies walking past looking like a Hooters ad. “Sorry bout that, I was distracted by all the sexual innuendo. That really gets my backfield in motion. With any luck one of them will have a wardrobe malfunction at halftime.”
Maybe not! Bottom line, do whatever makes you happy on Sunday, if it’s a Voldemort bowl party, an intimate couples night of football, a mancave of action, the local pub, sports bar, or whatever it is enjoy the night and be safe. Here’s what I’ll be doing when the name we can’t mention XLVIII kicks off this Sunday night. Twisting the corkscrew on bottle of Jacobs Creek Shiraz to let it breath, pouring an appetizer glass of Grey Goose vodka over ice, slicing up some Denmark’s Best Dilled Havarti cheese, and checking the On Demand menu to see if there’s a good movie to watch…Peace