A Story About Nothing.. (excerpt from Transcendental Medication)

J.T. Hilltop

The smoke from the Sandal Incense went to my head making me slightly dizzy. As I sat on the doctors bed I was in one realm looking of seeming reality looking into another of…..well I‘m not quite sure yet. It was the freakiest hallucination I ever had. In my normal realm things made logical sense, but that other realm waqs so sensually enticing, it was full of smoke, mystery, and surrealality. Not a noxious smoke, more like an almost friendly and inviting smoke. The thought of sticking my entire head through the hole in the fabric of duality to see that realm up close excited me. This may prove to be the mother of all trips. Forget LSD man, this was the real deal trip like a peyote induced vision from a fucking Mayan priest. Then as if reality was worried it would slip away it answered me in Dr. Kha’s voice, “Come on in JT, you will find nothing here.”

I was feeling lost, my meditation combined with the doctors medicated acupuncture sticks was blurring the lines of sanity and manic realities. I was apprehensive yet I really wanted to see that other dimension, that strange new realm. I could be a witness to the practice of quantum mechanics.  I thought but I took it as more of his acting the teacher. Of nothing!  His voice was steady and even,  “That funny JT, about what Dr, Kha had said, that I will find  nothing and was further confused. Perhaps I was having  a lucid dream. If this is lucid dreaming I’m not sure I like it. I was in control of nothing. Jeez shit man, there it was again. Nothing!  Was I subjected to sensory depravation without my consent?  Maybe it was nothing. Oh fuck, not that again! Something’s going on here, unless it’s…..nothing.
I crawled through the tear in the fabric of reality cautiously wondering if my mind was playing some elaborate prank on me as payback for all the years of brain bending drug and alcohol abuses I leveled at it. Like here you go asshole, hows it feel to lose control. But that’s just pure bullshit man, my mind couldn’t be vindictive. Could it?  I decided to test the waters of my own sane logic to challenge his concept.  “So you say this is nothing Dr Kha? But once I acknowledge nothing doesn’t it become something. How can this be nothing if it is something you‘re teaching me? I know what nothing is, nothing is what poor people have and rich people need.” I looked up slyly and Kha smiled at me in a near condescending way. “Yes JT, I hear that before. Also if you eat nothing for too long you dead. Nothing funny about that, haha….Seriously JT you search too hard for nothing as thing but nothing is concept not thing. Suppose I tell you nobody get here before you JT? By your logic if nobody get here first then nobody must be somebody, because nobody was here. So I speak of nothing in philosophic term. Nothing is a void or vacuum where everything come from. All things begin as nothing. But in science nothing cannot exist because we are always surrounded by matter. Perhaps in black hole nothing exists, perhaps everything exist, impossible to know. So how get something from nothing? Listen  JT, the first organism of life was one singular cell which split into two, and that continue until mutations occur. Over millions of years those mutations become an abundance of life forms each with its own story. But it all come from nothing, just as the universe has. But let me speak in language that universal. Math.”
Many years ago human trade with round trinkets of metals. They count out how many trinkets in sand and trade for food, or livestock, or whatever. When all money trinkets gone nothing left in sand but big O. Therefore big imprint of O in sand come to represent new concept, nothing, zilch, zero.”  He took out a piece of paper and drew a big ole goose egg on it. “So this O here represent zero. Zero equal nothing. Now if I tear apart 0 it would be split much like the organism I mentioned and nothing become two somethings.” He ripped the paper in half to make his point. He scribbled a simple equation on one half of the paper, (1) + (-1) = 0. He smiled at me  “absolute.”
“Split evenly JT nothing equal two something, a positive one and a negative one. Same thing happen when  universe created out of nothing. First there  nothing, zero, then zero split into two portions, positive one, what you know as  Universe, and negative one, the one we are in now, alternate Universe. Newton figure concept out but never apply  to creation. Einstein as well. For every action there is equal but opposite re-action. This alternate universe you are in now is the opposite and equal re-action to your big bang universe you just leave. This Universe equal to your universe only opposite. The laws of physic opposite too. Here there no gravity. Planets push off each other like opposing magnets. The suns don’t give energy they extract it. Time very different here go backward not future. Here future is pat and past is future, but much beauty and wonder as universe you know. Alternate universe as real as your universe but it take some getting used to if you want to be here. And nothing is what make this second world possible. That  enough for one day JT, you come back in two days if you want learn more.” With that Kha disappeared as I slipped back from behind the bi-universal fabric of time returning to my cot in my real world and just closed my eyes.
I could still smell smoldering Santal incense and the music was still on only now it was soft drum beatings mixed with some sort of whirling organ sound softly playing repetitive chords. A young woman entered the room wearing a nurse uniform. I began to wonder if this has all been one crazy hallucination, maybe a flashback or something so I gave her a closer look. She was very attractive with piercing hazel green eyes and long straight burnt orange hair tied up neatly in a swinging ponytail but allowing perfectly cut bangs to cover her forehead. Her eyes were as stunning as a Montana sky and just as vast. I sensed both intense pain and intense pleasure in the depth of her retinas and I melted into her glance. Mesmerized I heard a soothing throaty voice saying, “You’re finished for today Mr. Hilltop, will you be coming back for another visit?”  Her bright red lips barely moved as she spoke making it hard for me to concentrate. She caught me staring at her eyes and I have little doubt my leer was bordering on creepy but I  couldn’t look away.  I was held hostage by her deep beauty, hypnotized with delight. I tried to look away but was drawn back to her face. The rosy red high cheekbones, \ flawless skin dotted sparsely with perfect freckles, and those deep red full and pouty lips were so warm an inviting.  I imagined the sirens sweet song dominating the entire essence of Ulysses. I began clumsily shaking my head and muttered a weak “yes, I would like that.” Sensing my awkwardness she smiled warmly,  took my hand and sat me up. It was then I noticed the acupuncture needless were all gone. “When would you like to come back for a session?”  I was feeling disoriented and only barely able to reply “In two days” The nurse put her soft full lips close to my ear whispering, “Come back Friday at seven JT. We have much to teach you. Remember JT, nothing ventured, nothing gained.” The warmth of her breath and moist spray of her tongue inside my ear sent shivers up and down my spine and gathered in an area which I feared had become obvious. Butterflies had left my stomach and created a chrysalis caravan traveling through my digestive tract straight towards my  reproductive organs. It was complicated  even more profoundly her sensual and suggestive tone echoing through my soul in a tease frenzy. I looked up to sneak  look at her in the hope of affirming my imagined connection but she was gone. Maybe she wasn’t even there to begin with, the line that separated reality from non-reality had become wafer thin.
TBC

Transcendental Medication V..(Out of the black, and into the blue)

altered

Previously on Transcendental Medication :
The smile on my face was so enormous my jawbone ached and my eyes were nearly closed. Ambrosina began gently shaking my shoulder apparently ready to go one more time but I was spent. I looked up saying, ”Sorry babe I just could….oh, Dr. Kha, its you! ” God damn its confusing slipping in an out of realities here! Dr, Kha stood over me with a smirk, “I see you make visit to paradise JT

Tomorrow put you in sensory depravation tank with special punctures dipped in mixture of essences from Belladonna, Angel Trumpet, and Nutmeg Paste. Essence free mind and allow to see without eyes. Transcendental medication. Ownry then JT will you see truth, opposite universe, and maybe even understand nothing. Get some rest my boy, tomorrow is day you meet God face to face.”

Out Of The Black And Into The Blue

Meet God face to face! Well this is gonna be pretty interesting considering I can’t remember having ever believed in God. Oh there was a time, but only because it was what my Mom told me to believe and I trusted her implicitly. Why would she lie about God? But around age six or seven my best friend and his family died in a house fire two days after his birthday party. Mom told me my friend was up in heaven now where he’ll be safe. I asked why God wanted the family an why he made their house go on fire and all she could tell me was that God had a plan and we shouldn’t question him, but I wasn’t buying that bullshit. I started having my doubts about this God character and his so called plan so I made up ways for him to prove himself to me. Instead of “now I lay me down to sleep” I engaged in conversations with God. Only they weren’t dialogues, they were monologues, night after night. I only asked for small signs, not giant challenges, no plagues or forty day storms. Something simple like make my covers fall off or leave a scratch on the wall. I never asked him to beat up my older brother or return my best friend and his family back to life or anything profound, just you know like leave a light on, move a book or something. But night after night, no signs, no answers. Mom took me to church on Sundays and even at that young age I could see it was filled with hypocrites singing and praying. Old man Martin who was perpetually drunk in his backyard all dressed up in suit and tie singing, hands folded. Old lady Brown kneeling on the pew. In whispers the adults called her a Jezebel. I didn’t know what that meant at the time but by the way the adults showed distain I knew it wasn’t a good thing. Years later I learned kneeling was a common occurrence for her but apparently if it was on the pews on Sundays that made everything okay. By the time I turned eleven I was already a full fledged atheist but I continued my religious schooling to appease Mom. I was even so fascinated or maybe hopeful I studied other religions as I got older. I learned more about God by more names than I thought possible and became more sure than ever that God doesn’t exist. At least not the God I’d been taught. And now after all that I’m meeting God face to face tomorrow! At least according to Dr. Khandra.
I was nervously excited as I entered the THC clinic. A nurse led me down into the basement and laid me down on a cot that was chained to a sort of crane with chains and pulleys. Like a harsh torture hammock. I looked up with a quick glimpse believing the nurse to be Ambrosina. She smiled at me, winked saying, “Later JT. I’ll see you later.” Before I could even answer Kha came in with a small silver table filled with needles and a bowl of syrupy liquid. “Must be excited JT, yes? First I dip pricks in essence, place them at precise point and then close you in tank. No incense, no music today, ownry serenity. When ready we let you free from tank and journey begin. Relax and enjoy enlightenment my son.” I laid there motionless, a combination of anxiety and excitement as Kha placed the dripping needles about my body. This time the needles were warm and wet. Six on my forehead, two in each ear, two in my neck, and at least a dozen in each leg. I could feel the essences making they’re way into my blood and it warmed my veins. Instantly relaxed the anxiety faded away leaving only a smile. I felt comfort with the feeling because it wasn’t foreign, it was like the old days just before the LSD kicked in. I was about to start tripping like I had in my drug experimentation days and it warmed my soul.
It took a while to get used to the absence of sound or sight. Total darkness with no sound at all, feeling a bit claustrophobic I was anxious, confined, and alone. I thought perhaps this is a big waste of time. I was angry I was allowing this to happen to me, if there was a way I could get out. I called to Kha a number of times but he didn’t respond. I was alone, first angry now depressed. Total darkness. Alone with nothing but an irritating voice in my head insisting I was missing some major point about nothingness. My head was swirling with thoughts or maybe dreams of all sorts of shit, memories from way long ago, places I have been to, totally random things. I think I had some very bizarre dreams I’m not sure what’s a dream or what is a thought? From surreal to harsh reality it was one episode after another. The dream or thoughts seemed to float, moving as though filled with helium, the further they went away the calmer I got. After about…wait, that’s odd. I have no idea how long it’s been. I have no idea what time it was or how long I’d even been alone here in the dark. Had I fallen asleep? Has time stopped for me? As I pondered claustrophobia and panic subsided, sliding into acceptance. Everything is serene, calm, and quiet. Existence is not as special or amazing as I thought. Oh I’ll give you the complexity of being a living breathing thing is quite extraordinary, what with networks of communication inside me traveling at mind bending speed, blood, oxygen, even the way I need to eat and void unnecessary remnants from food is amazing. And evolution, well what is evolution other than strategy of survival? But the FACT that I or anything exists here, right here right now on this seemingly huge planet is so remarkably insignificant when I think about it in Universal terms.
Super Nova’s, Black Holes, Quasars, and galaxies, those are amazing. Time and space being curved or the possibility of alternate universes, that’s amazing. I’m nothing, just a teeny weenie blip of nothingness in time and space. I giggled as I watched that thought float away when I thought I heard a voice. “Now you are understanding nothing JT, ready to see alternate reality.” It was Kha’s voice but how? Must be a camera or some sort of electronic monitoring he used. “No use camera, no use device JT, ownry listen to you.” Wait! What did he say? Listening to me? But I’m not talking I’m only thinking. “Not thinking JT, talking. Not words or out loud but still talking. And we hear you. You are ready to come out now.”
The pulley’s lifted the makeshift cot upwards as the top opened brining me not into an office but in a clearing in a mountain wilderness blistering with life and color. Oh my God the color were o deep an rich, so real. I was inside a crayola colored landscape beside a stream. Dr, Kha was there along with two other strangers. “Come sit down with us JT, we share herb of life… You come to me asking why there is something instead of nothing, yes? I ask you now, why cannot be something and nothing?” I asked him who the two men were and he told me they would lead me to God after I finished my lessons. He handed me a long pipe which I took readily inhaling almost instantly. The smoke had a minty smoke flavor and was not in the smallest way irritating. I held it in like it was pot until it exploded inside my head. Actually exploed. My head must have grown ten inches. Images where fractured as if they were photos layered on top of each other and superimposed. I tried to stand up but instead floated, or better hovered effortlessly as the three men laughed. “I don’t see what’s so funny, everything is out of focus. Motion, Time, sound, even life is out of focus.” The men continued laughing until Kha pointed to me, “Seem you forget pants JT. You come ownry in underwear. You are right everything out of focus. That how world really is. You see on quantum level now, you move with quantum motion and see with quantum eyes. You think unreal but exact opposite. Everything around you in constant motion JT, but your non quantum eyes cannot perceive. That why most people can never see God. I believe if most people really were able to see God they be scared, not elated. You see realities now JT, in your normal world nothing really what it seem to be. You are going on journey most people cannot handle, that what Transcendental Medication do my son, it open your mind and eyes to realities clouded by limitation of human perceptions. Dreams are real perceptions JT, ownry seem too abstract to you to be real. You not have pants on because it dream that haunt you as child. That’s from the drugs. The medication will help you confront many uncomfortable dreams you have had but also some very good dreams. And dreams you have not had yet. A new era of perceptions waits for you JT, you were chosen for this journey. Your two guides are messengers of God and I am your handler. The three of us will lead you on journey of everything , something, nothing, and true God after you visit Ambrosina for lesson on desire and power. Go to her, she waits for you and you must first understand yourself before you can know nothing.” Kha smiled at me like a teacher, or a father maybe, “Take your boat.” I looked at the stream which had my little row boat from my previous visit tied to a tree. “Just get in boat JT, and follow river. You will know when to…. get off…Ha ha ha. Then when you come back we discuss your perceptions” What an odd sense of humor, an old man like Kha using a sexual double entendre about “getting off” I thought to myself as I got in the boat. Dr. Kha untied the rowboat setting me free, “Not as old as you think, but much older as well JT.” I heard all three men laughing as the boat headed to wherever the current took it. How the fuck could he hear my thoughts? I’d better be careful what I think.
The ride didn’t take very long because I could see a woman in the distance waiting on shore. I wished the boat over to her and it went of its own accord. When I got out I was back in the island paradise where Ambrosina had so totally controlled and dominated me bringing me to the most incredible orgasm of my life. I exited the boat with profound anticipation and walked up to the woman waiting. I knew I was looking at Ambrosina but she appeared so different. Her hair tied in a ponytail wearing very little make up. She was dressed casual yet somehow stern. A beige corduroy button down dress with matching skirt. In place of the sexy shoes were low heeled casual loafers. Sensible shoes! She appeared demure and intimidated as she walked up to me, placed her mouth right at my ear an whispered, “If you want me you have to take me tonight. You have to want me bad enough to force me.” As she walked away I watched her ass bounce lightly back and forth giving me a semi erection. Despite the changes I wanted her in the worst way. The lust built up inside my loins and I knew I would do whatever I had to in order to make love to Ambrosina again. But how to start, I’ve never forced anyone before, that’s rape! Ambrosina turned around looked at me with her incredible sensuous eyes. I glanced down at her lips as she mouthed, “I’m ready JT, come take me. I’m here to service you.” I knew I had the power to ravage her and it felt invigorating. My semi erection began growing.
TBC