Missing My Love

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My name is Maureen Jaret, and I am Keith “The Existential Baker’s” wife.  With a heavy heart and in case you did not realize it, my beautiful husband, poet, chef, father, and grandfather passed away on February 8, 2018.  Please see his last post of February 1, “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.”

I have been trying to decide what I would do with his blog, which he loved and nurtured for the last six years.  I did not want his blog with all his amazing writings, to die with him. So after much thought and reflection, I decided that I will continue what he started, discussing my life with him, my life without him, and everything that is in between.

I grew up in the dawning of Equal Rights for Women; however, I grew up in a very conservative household where being a feminist was vulgar.  When I met Keith, he not only embraced the fact that I had strong opinions and sense of self, he encouraged it. We always had a funny thing between us, that I am not “The Wife,” I was not Mrs. Keith Jaret or even Mrs. Jaret, I am Maureen Jaret.  It never meant that I was not proud to be Mrs. Jaret, but I was my own person, and he respected that.

So in honor of him, and the fact that I am and always will be extremely PROUD to be his wife, I will be renaming his blog, “The Existential’s Wife”!  I am not the writer he was, but I think this new journey, will be fascinating…to say the least! I do have a passion for Organ Donation, and I want to spread the word about how this has affected my life.  Since we no longer have the New Jersey Stores, I am going to change all my social media to The Existential’s Wife. I spoke to my children about this, and they were happy that their father’s words will go on.  I hope you will continue to follow me as I go on with the rest of my life, without the love of my life, trying to figure it all out! I know he gives me a peace sign over this.

 

In Praise Of Punnery

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I just want to profess my love for one of humors most clever yet looked down of art forms. People say that puns are the lowest form of humor you could buy. That makes no cents. It seams (A hem) to me the higher a person is, the funnier the pun appears to be and the harder they laugh. You’ll get no boo’s if you give then booze. Or whatever else will raise the level of the pun to cause the funny bones to be so humerus. I for one am a huge oscillating air blower of punnery. It takes a clever use of word twisting, timing, and structure to create a successful pun play. There is an art to doing it correctly, if a pun is too loose it won’t fit in to your punch line and if it’s to tight you won’t be able to pull it off. (Ahem)

So next time you hear someone say that puns are the lowest form of humor, get them high. Then maybe they can take their hang ups out of the closet and give a few chuckles. Some good home groan will make them grown and shake their head for sure. In the meantime, keep punning and keep laughing, humor comes in all shapes and sizes and its all good…PEACE

 

Interview with a school lunch

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When someone as old as The Existential Baker thinks about school lunch it brings up an image of an old lady wearing a hideous hairnet, dirty worn cafeteria uniforms, possessing suspicious personal hygienic habits sneering at me to take my meatloaf and move my tray down the line. A few steps further was what could be her older sister tossing a small dish of canned peaches on my tray and not saying a word but signifying with her head that I should continue on. Up next were rows of milk containers of which I was expected to grab for myself as I move to pay the cashier lunch lady. $.30. A whole lunch for thirty cents, and if I could come up with an additional ten cents I could buy an ice cream pop. I would then take my tray searching for the spot my classmate sit everyday.
But those days have changed, the foods are healthier, the lunch ladies have nicer cleaner uniforms, and most lunches are purchased with a prepaid program card which is where school lunches problems have become so public as of late. The parents of some of the school children lately have neglected or forgotten to remain current and school officials are taking a hard line embarrassing the kids and worse. Some are even tossing school lunches away like yesterdays trash. Lets hear what school lunch has to say about all the attention.

EB: So school lunch, exactly what happened in Utah?

SL: Well I know you remember me in my glory days Mr. baker, and since that time I have worked tirelessly with the Surgeon Generals, the Department of Education, and the AMA to bring healthier options to the students. I never asked to be dragged into this political battle and frankly I don’t like it.

EB: Speaking of health, you’ve also been criticized for becoming too healthy from some students who don’t want your raw veggies and fruits. What started that fiasco?

SL: Well that was my first experience with politics. The First lady Mrs. Obama came to me and pointed out ways in which I could contribute to reducing obesity and promote the general good health of children everywhere. Next thing I know I’m all over the news because its unfair to viewers children to be “forced” to eat healthy. I get it, kids would rather me offer greasy cheeseburgers dripping with fat and soda and candy but FOTUS was right, those options are unwise and place the children’s health at risk. Unfortunately we can’t force parents to monitor their own children to eat proper so that’s where I could help by offering an affordable alternative with health benefits. I offer these alternatives while their parents are off working or sitting home eating Bon Bons or whatever. It’s not my fault they are afraid to stand up to their children and tell them the choices we gave you Existential. You remember your two choices, take it or leave it. What you did outside of school was your business but when you’re in our institutions it was my responsibility to educate you on how to eat. That’s all we want, a little support from the parents when their children are in our charge. We are not Mickie Dee’s or Taco King, we offer affordable healthy choices.

EB: I applaud that Lunch, but let me get back to the pre paid programs that are so out of control. Many of the schools have prepaid systems for school lunches and they seem to work out fairly well. But in Utah, the authorities at one school singled out students whose parents hadn’t stayed up to date on their prepaid cards, told the children they were not allowed any food and then tossed the uneaten lunch in the trash. How did that make you feel?

SL: I’m still burning over that, why anyone would use me to make some bullshit political statement is beyond absurd. On top of that then throwing me away while there are plenty of churches or food banks that would have loved to taken me in to do some good instead of ending up in a landfill. It’s despicable! The truth is this was not a community of people who are neglectful of their children or who are hurting for money. It happened in an average American city of hard working people who have so much on their plate, pun intended, that they sometimes overlook the more mundane tasks like keeping track of their lunch cards. All the authorities needed to do was to remind the parents they were behind on their payments and it could have all been avoided. That’s actually a practice they used before, but for some unknown reason they determined it was not a good use of their time. Apparently their time is better spent embarrassing children, making parents feel inadequate, an throwing away food that could have fed the disenfranchised.

EB: I can see you’re angry and rightly so school lunch. After years of being treated with complete indifference I for one am very happy and proud of your accomplishments and hope you get your due. Also pun intended, thank you for taking the time out to talk with me, an I hope your future relationship with school officials and parents can benefit from this tragedy. Thank again School Lunch.

SL: Thank you Mr. Existential Baker, we appreciate all the support we can get.
So there you have it, School Lunches endured year’s of ridicule before taking an important role in children’s health only to be misused and politicized. I’d like to thank you all for joining us today, if you have children please stay current on your prepaid lunch cards and give school lunch your support in its attempt to bring healthier and more nutritious option to your children. Eat well, eat healthy, and live life every day…..PEACE

Show Some Anger For All The Three Piece Grinners

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If there is a shark in the water circling a lawyer, the only real question is how do you save the shark? Maybe its not a lawyer, maybe a banker who has lost your interest or an account who’s fuzzy math you never calculated in the scenario. Everyone seems to be pissed off at lawyers and congress these days and rightly so, they have shown little regard for anyone’s agenda except their own, but don’t let up on other suits with lying smiles. They’re gonna like the way your money looks on them, I guarantee it.

There are half a million bad lawyer jokes, not that the jokes are bad but the lawyers are. Why are lawyers always the butt of the joke? Mainly because they’re butts, but also because they smile in your face while emptying your bank account. I have heard countless stories of lawyers making a fortune screwing people in divorces, contract disputes, inheritance issues, just about any legal matter they can extract a penny. Its actually hard to not have distain for those ass clowns that use the “letter of the law” to screw one party over to make themselves a good living. They leave you with three letters of the law, an IOU. Politicians have entered the rant on arena as well and now the popular jokes about political ass clowns are all stuck in a tiny car as well. Why they even dragged up joke formats covered in dust to rail out at congress, throw a hundred dollars out he window of a plane and make a hundred peoples day. Throw all of congress out an make everyone’s day. Ass clowns! Big shoes to fill.

But seriously, if we toss out congress who will fill their giant clown shoes? Enter the bankers, accountants, and other smiling suit clowns. So what I’m proposing is to back off just a little bit on the lawyers and politicians and throw some disdainful jokes at accountants and bankers. The accountants wife was having trouble sleeping so she aid, “Tell me all about your day.” Then she pulls up the balance sheets and bores herself to sleep. He’s upset because he was hoping she would use spread sheets. Or why is the banker crying? He found himself a loan. No one depreciates a banker, no interest. What I’m saying here is widen the circle of distain driven jokes, keep giving shit to lawyers and politicians, but add other smiling sharks in three piece suits as well, because they can be just as self centered and devious, and they deserve to have some of the mud slung at them as well. Beware the smile behind the suit, it may very well be hiding a knife in its briefcase.

Sexual In Your Window

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“Dad, what does sexual in your window mean?” Not a question I was prepared to answer my four year old because part of me wanted nothing to do with a conversation involving sexual innuendo with my daughter and the other part, that premature, I mean immature part of me wanted to make a joke about sex, stalking, and peeping Toms. But the question was asked and I had to attempt to explain it. Other questions followed as she grew up like the one that nearly caused me to drive off the road after she inquired what “Dad, what does eff you” mean? She even lifted her middle finger to extenuate the inquiry on our way to kindergarten. Or the time a few years later when she wanted to know why everyone was mad at President Clinton for doing oral sex with Lewis Insky. That one took some serious thinking because it was on the news hourly. Anyway, here’s how NOT to explain sexual innuendo to a child.

Sexual innuendo, double entendres or just sex puns. The more you play with it the bigger it gets so think long and hard before entering. Once you rise to the occasion you can go deeper and deeper into it. I try not to use sexual innuendos much because using them incorrectly can make you go down, and then its not easy to get it up again. Just about anything you pull out of your vocabulary can hint at one sexual practice or another. Something as normal as wood becomes a solid morning image and if its not standing tall its hard to beat. We use wood to erect structures and if a woman is looking for it you can give her the lumber and she’ll crack a smile. It can get downright indecent which is to say is if its long enough, hard enough, and deep enough, its in decent.
Maybe its because we have so many nicknames for our sex organs. Penis, dick, prick, cock, wiener, boner, and these are just some the ones that can be ‘slipped in’ a normal conversation. I grabbed the thorn bush and pricked myself. If I fold it over I will be half cocked. I like my wiener on nice soft buns and so do my buddy’s Dick Hertz and Hugh Jerkoff. On one hand you could have the member and in the other the shaft, its stiff competition between the two. Its easy to make a boner.
The vajay jay is no different. Vagina, pussy, snatch, twat, slit, box. The pussy cat slit the box with her claw to snatch the magic prize. The lady garden cream pie has been compared to a beaver, kitty, love pie, love tunnel, and a poon whatever the hell that is. The nether regions get explored with a cave dwelling love stick in search of a happy humping with an exciting climax. With so many slang terms for the various sex acts and the tools used to perform them its near impossible not to cum across an innuendo.
Basically I try not to give a bang to innuendos because on the hole they take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’ but they often slip out and you could get screwed in the end. I can’t put my finger on it but most of us have our minds in the gutter and like it there. A man and woman like to get something straight between them and they can do that by acting on whatever pops up.

Sex is in our face all the time sometime even sitting on it. We use sexual sport analogies, I got to second base then went in for the score. My bat was raised and her glove was open. Touchdown! In food, what she needs is a hot beef injection, maybe I should give her my sausage. I’m so hungry I could eat at the “Y”, maybe have a bearded clam or fur lined taco. Automotive, give her a lube job with my dipstick, that’ll grease my nuts. We are constantly pre-occupied with sex. Even the technical explanation of why we laugh at sex jokes is suggestive. What comes off our tongues is processed in our pre frontal cortex and the laugh cums in and out of the temporal lobe. We love getting it on and from what I hear men think about doing it every sex seconds while it takes a women sixty nine. No wonder everything we hear can relate back to sex.

A common vulgar sexual term is fuck. Popular misconception is it came from Fornication Under Consent of King, or Forced Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, and while an entertaining bit of trivia the truth is it a derivative of some dudes name, John Fukker. But that doesn’t stop us from fucking an sucking our way into a multitude of sneaky ways to get it in a conversation. Getting laid, the old in and out, screwing, humping, banging, poking, shagging, or other acts like going down on, sucking off, polishing the helmet, giving head, eating out, jacking off, and on an on. There must be fifty ways to fuck your lover. We love double in tenders and in your endo’s.
So I will try to keep you abreast of innuendos and entendres without making you feel the boob. I usually put out on the first date because I’m loose. I prefer it tight but I’ll take it anyway I can get it. It will help me if you respond to my explorations because I do have a big ego but I prefer to not stroke my own. I like having it stroked for me. If you’re up for it we can enter a discussion but I suck at them and I get licked in debates. Then I end up with it all over my face. Hope I laid it out for you in a way will stand up in court……..Piece, I mean PEACE

Punny You Should Say That (An Owed To Joy)

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I heard someone say that puns are the slowest form of humor yet it takes a remarkably quick wit. Actually I think I may have heard slowest wrong but after being stalked by corny jokes for so long my ears hear colonel when its really kernel. I get it, they really said it’s the lowest form of humor but I’m still in limbo as to how low to set that bar. At any rate, puns are a play on words that can make a kid kid another kid or make a grown man groan so I want to pay my respect. I normally write in my boxers but I’ll try to keep this in brief.
When I was all of six years old I discovered the power of a pun. We had a gas station named Citgo and one day in the car, with Dad driving, Mom in the front, my little sister between them in babyseat and me squished in between my four older brothers and I made a bold statement. I said “Hmmm, Citgo, where you can sit and go.” Meaning getting gas I raised my arms to pantomime driving. Apparently my driving imitation looked more like someone moving their bowels and the family roared with laughter. That’s when I realized I could use English language to get noticed by pretending to have irritable vowel syndrome if I really pumped up the the puns I could keep them giggling consonantly. I had discovered the lowest form of humor and it lifted me up.
If puns are low its because they are the foundation of clever of humor. They’re black and white and read all over, they’re the reason the chicken crossed the road having its intentions come into question, It’s why it takes three pole dancers to erect a light bulb, and the basis of the omnipresent schoolyard knock knock jokes. All great comedians are pun practioners and are adept at sailing double entendres at triple warped mind speed leaving us land lubbers rolling in the Isles. Whether it’s a three act play on words, a homophone, which as it turns out is not a gay cellular device, or just a simple unmarried Miss direction puns take sharp and fast tongues to verbalize a stream of consciousness quick as a lick. Many punsters, myself included become almost obsessed, trying to twist everything they hear. Someone introduces me to Isabelle and I hear is a bell and feel combelled to chime in with a ringing endorsement about jingle jangling word association. A Pavlonian response that has me salivating at the a peal of making someone smile. If there is a low form of puns it cums from the perverse endless sexual innuendo punster. Those who chuckle and plan at the mention of such easy target words like woody, erect, hole, or the mention of Master Bates. It’s a favorite of that uncle who continues to play pull my finger well past its age appropriateness. For me sexual in your endo jokes are just too easy, like your mom was last night. But it will always have a place in punditry because like splinter religions, sects sells. A truly great pun takes an extraordinary amount of cleverness and thought using one ability to instantly see verbal connections where others see mere words and plugging the pun in before it sinks in. Great puns are like hand grenades because you pull the pin and wait for it to blow up. That’s why I pay homage. That and the fact that I still owe Homage a lot of money. I’m a self proclaimed lover of all things punny. Puns are a part of everyone’s daily life these days and no news story is complete without slinging some puntastic zingers.. Here’s a somewhat exaggerated example:
This just in from Know News is Good noose:
FRUIT LOOPY
A cereal killer is believed on the loose in General Mills campgrounds and campers experiencing in tents fear. Police canvassing their tented community in search of the frosted wheat whacker who is making the campers snap, crackle, and pop. They believe the perp is Cuckoo for Cocoa puffs so The Cap’n is putting the crunch on by running background Chex on all adults using hare brained tricks because every bunny knows that Trix are for kids….

But news stations really do use puns to make their point as in headlines such as “Chickens Cry Fowl” or “Locksmith Plays Key Roll In Bakery Break In.” Another area often engaging in punnery is just about every TV show and movie ever made. The best bantering between actors are scripted with artistic puns. It takes an artist to draw laughs from sketches. Without puns the artist draws a blank but looking around in a room packed with punsters the artist can draw a crowd. So much for a low form, it takes a highly evolved mind to come up with such clever comedy. Dimwitted humor pales in comparison. Slap stick falls flat, bathroom humor smells, and I suck at self deprecation. Sarcasm can be a little bitter, but not much better.

Today puns are significantly more evolved than the early days. I grew up with lines like “Take my wife. Please!” or “I just flew in from Baltimore and boy are my arms tired.” Today it takes much deeper thought because once jokes are use they become less funny. Ten years ago we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, Eddie Money, and Steve Jobs, and today all we have this worn out and tired old joke format. Take my wife is now I married Miss right, but I didn’t know at the time her first name was always, and flying in from Baltimore gets morphed to I can’t leave because I was on the third floor of the airport with someone else’s stuff and came down with something. There are a lot of people in the airport so I hope its not terminal or the only thing flying out of here will be rumors. Anyway, IMHO, like rock and roll the puns colors are true so punnery will never dye.
Thanks for taking the time to read this pun praising piece. This thoroughly enjoyable (for me) excursion was inspired by a high school English teacher of mine whom I have had the fortune of reconnecting with on social media. Professor Jim Zeitler shares my profound love of the English Language and our abilities to twist, invert, dissect, misdirect, turn inside out or upside down the words that make up our language to make others smile, laugh, or most important, to think. Jim sent me a book by John Pollack called “The Pun Also Rises” which delves into the history of puns and its impressive how deep and rich the history of witty wordplay is and how long it has been an art form. I dedicate this post to him because while my high school daze are way behind me his dedication to instructing and constructing minds is still going strong and I assume he will forever teach many of us new things. He has once again taught me things dispelling the age old cliché “You can’t teach and old dog new tricks.” And trust me, this old hound dog learned things he can sink his canines in and I’m not peeling the bark off the wrong tree. Okay no more, I’ll stop, I’m bushed anyway! Thank you Jim Zeitler, your wit an wisdom continues to reach out and inspire minds both young and old. … PEACE