Looking Back In Anger

looking-back

 

It could have been Tuesday
Or Thursday
The days all seemed the same
Maybe it’ll happen tonight
Or maybe tomorrow
A painful waiting game
But I knew it was coming
Or was it going
Only time can know
Why did I need to watch it
Or worse, live it
See the cancer grow
Cancer is an arrogant shit
Stepping on hearts with depravity
But I remember you you shit
That very night it took my Mom
Cancer spun and waltzed to the ballroom floor
In an ugly miasmic dance with death
Teasing and taunting
Till we could take it no more
Dispassionate
Sucking up all her breath
She didn’t even know she was at home
Thought she was alone
Didn’t know how much I cared
Cancer took her brain away
Left her lonely and scared
With vile indifference
Some unfamiliar eyes looked my way
Like they had something important to say
But it wasn’t mom who was staring
The eyes were too angry
Then in my Moms deaths voice to taunt me
“Who are you? Why are you here? I don’t know you”
“It’s me Mom, your prodigal son. I’ve come back home.”
“You’re not my son, I’ve never seen you before in my life”
The anger in her eyes was vaguely familiar
At the same time completely foreign
Still they cut like a razor through my soul
Bleeding out the shame of virtues past
Burning a hole in my confidence
It wasn’t her it wasn’t her
It was the Cancer talking
Leaving me wounded
One final indignity
To taunt my reflection
Cancer cares for no one

Memories are like watching reruns of our lives. Many make us smile, swell with pride and feel the comfort and warmth of an epoch of our younger days. Sometimes they bring on a state of melancholy leaving us yearning for those days while others make us outright sad and depressed, especially when the memory is of something ripped from our hearts. They come as an ending, a final memory, the last episode. This is inspired from my final memory of my Mom who passed from cancer many years ago. I left home when I thought I had become a man to become an adult on my own terms which intensified the already established rift between my mother and I. Fortunately mere months before she was diagnosed with cancer we had come to understand and appreciate each other and our relationship had returned to a strong mother /son bond. On the downside, this made the end so much harder…

The Sun Also Rises

sunrise

 

Props to Papa

Stealthily the sun soars above our heads
In a glorious haze of red and yellow
Stretching its warmth over the horizon
Playing solar games in the mountains
Until her once bright light tires and dims
She courtesy and dips below the surface
Allowing darkness to create mazes and enigmas
The sun does set
Perplexities that plague a generation
Lost in search of awaterbead drop
Of integrity from a world immoral
Decadence and depravity amongst
The promise of reassurance and love
Only to crumble under dark shadows
Of the evil lurking in midnight mists
The hope of liberation rises with light
A sensual bright enriching solar massage
Which breathes life into the elusive dying
Men drink and fight so with the bulls
With delicacy and grace their women
Soothe their angst with enigmatic skill
Allowing the sun to ascend triumphantly
For what profit hath a man of all his labor which he taketh under the sun*
Even as nightfall sets upon a generation lost in it’s own obscurity
The sun also rises

 

With sincerity she glides up on shore
Her shining bright diamond arrows
Shot across from a maroon Kimono
Bursts brilliance across our vision
Shedding it’s luminosity across a horizon
Opening the portals of our enlightenment
Yes the dependable sun will again set
But the sun also rises
*Ecclesiastics 1:3

 

 
Live and Love in Peace

I Love You Man

bryan

 

Forgotten laughs
Turn to sighs once
A piece of childhood
Retires to memories
I heard the news
A boulder on my heart
Haven’t seen him
Since life happened
Yet somehow I still miss him
Miss the carefree times
Fearless sled rides
Down the glistening crescent
Crashing and laughing
Into diamond ice drifts
Not noticing the cold
Fires of friendship glowed
Bonfires of the innocent
Strolling on our bikes
Kick stands banana seat
Three speed really neat
Nowhere to go
But so much fun
Getting there
Carefree nights
Listening to crickets song
Camping out so tough
In the backyard
Looking up at the stars
Wondering who we are
Who We’ll be
Asking about life
But like clouds in the sky
Life passed us by
Our very first cars
The girls and the bars
Dreaming about playing guitars
Until life took control
Different nights on a different day
Life can be funny that way
Finding love getting jobs
Get away from the mobs
Then came the day I moved away
Yea man, life’s funny that way
Ironic
After so many sunsets
Its much too easy to forget
That the best friends I had
From my mirrors rear view
Were much closer than they appeared
All along
With a blink of an eye
Our lives passed us by
And the love of a friendship
Fades and runs dry
Memories in storage now
In the gallery gone
Where my space awaits
To become the past
Those days found a home in my heart
We had the best of times
Maybe that’s why I’m numb
But my heart breaks not for myself
It aches for the family
Of my childhood friend
Who welcomed me into their home
And still to this day
Allow me into their hearts
Bryan…. I Love You Man
Rock In Peace sweet childhood soul mate
Live And Love In Peace

 

Into The Fire

fire

 

The blazing fire inspires me
Flickering with authority
Perhaps it ‘s the danger
The power of its incandescence
Which commands my will
Intimidates my life blood
Entrances my inner self
The vivid burning embers
Capturing my imagination
Pleases my wishful eyes
But it’s the pluming smoke
That holds the true stories
The secrets of the flame
Reaching into my eyes
Coaxing saline droplets
Forcing thoughts upon me
Helping me remember
Things I want to forget
As I gloomily sift through
The ashes of my anguish
Hoping to erase the sad
Live and Love in Peace

Damaged Goods

damaged

 

Adrenalin rush
Wakes me from sleep
Reminds me I’m weak
Tossing and turning
Head and heart pounding
Someone’s shouting
At a loss, can’t even think
But can’t shut off my thoughts
There’s only one thing
That could unleash
That level of torture
This intense fear
My passenger is near
Snickering in jeer
Why must you always be here?
Let me be
Set me free
Its been a while
I’d hoped
You had left me
We’d never meet again
But now you’re back
Another attack
I guess its time
To talk to my old friend
So you can damage me again
I wished you had died
I wished you had died
But you’re still alive
You’re always inside
Waiting to manage
Waiting to damage
Take advantage
Because I’m damaged
Re-arranged and deranged
I’m self estranged
I wish I could kill him
Destroy the passenger
Who constantly rides me
Hides me
Derides me
Won’t let me out
I scream And shout
But no one hears
Like they don’t have ears
Can’t see my tears
Of frustration and fear
But to me its real
My inner self revealed
I just can manage
I’m damaged

Kodak Moments

Kodak Snapshot Mini Album

Found an old photo album
Moments in time
Held still in a book
Captured on film
A slice of real life
An imprisoned memory
Proof of existence
A chronicling of emotion
Both happy and sad
Happy because it’s a reminder
Of days gone by
Sad because it’s a reminder
Of days gone by
Reflection of my affections
Impression of recollection
Right before my eyes
Family photo’s
Smiling faces
Memories in print
5×5 gloss memorials
An innocent epoch
A world of contentment
A perfect family
But photographs never really tell the whole story
Do they?

A Clockwork Existential (An Existential Beat/Street Poem)

clockwork71

 

 

What’s it to be then Eh?
What is your identity Alex my Droog? Does your soul know your dreams?

 

 

From the wet and dark
Arose life anew
Full of raging violence
Wild and auspicious
Unbound of rule
In a world of chaos
In a digital epoch
Where violence is king
Not much different than today
Survival of the fittest
Ultra-violence life
Sharpened with synthemesc
Opium for the Lewdies
Real Horrorshow yarblockos
Until betrayed by droogies
Handed over to the millicents
Sent to prison
What’s it going to be Alex?

 

 

What’s it to be then eh?
Loss of your freedom
Or loss of your identity
Stay boxed and shut
In a cage full of clones
Uniform yet all alone
No longer free to make a choice
Or in a cage on the street
An jigsaw of yourself
Bound together by rules
One of society’s jewels
Unique yet robotic
Unable to speak your mind
Free but neurotic

 

 

What’s it to be then, eh?
Stay as you are condemned to prison
Pacing in your container
Forced to be humble
To a servant with keys
Mind shaped in rage
A soldier of mediocrity
Counting scratchmarks on the wall
Is that who you are?
Same ole same thing
Dancing to your own tune
Singing an aria of your life
Day after day
To unhearing ears
Lost in a sea of indifference
Or would you like to walk free

 

 

What’s it to be then, eh?
Manufactured nurture
Become a sandcastle
Built by society
Waiting for high tide
To carry away your self
Stripped of imagination
A perfect Orange fruit
Spinning like clockwork
Dancing to their rhythm
Singing their song
Living chapter to chapter
In society’s book mundane
But free to pace the streets
Absolved of your of sins
Yet unable to choose evil
A hamster in their wheel
Reserved and compliant
Void of expression
Trapped in the expectations
Of societal programmability

 

 
The Ludovico Technique
Gave Alex a choice
Life In prison
Or social experiment
Complacency or individuality
Join the theater of the sublime
Leave behind the slime
Become a cog in the wheel
However unreal
But free in the street
To all the vonny soddy bratchnies you meet
Free of the evil that possessed you
Or stay behind
With your evil mind
What’s it to be then Alex?
Eyes clamped open
Medicine of goodness
Dripping tears of complacency
Exorcized evil
Yes yes yes my one and only friend
Until Ludwig Von pierced your ego
Shattered it in a million pieces
Awaiting the vengeance due
Haven’t you ever seen a movie
Or watched a magic show
Nothing is ever what it seems to be my boy
Especially choice
But rejoice
Soon you’ll be free
Just not who you used to be
Lobotomized by law and order
What’s it to be then eh?
Your nature or their nurture

 

 

 
Little Alex
Our humble narrator
Filled with rage
Locked in a cage
A prison of damnation
You’re an editorial sensation
In a Jail
Of your own creation
Your life waiting on cremation
Alienation of a generation of mutations
Locked away for committing a crime
Imprisoned to a life of time
Loads and loads of time
Nothing but time
You were brought to trial
No longer a juvenile
Now locked in exile
Unable to smile or sashay in style
Because what you did was so vile
Now little Alex is a murderer
Surrounded by hate
Either translate or eradicate
But you will acclimate to a criminal fate
Or perish and dissipate
Full on mind amputate
You’re a lost little malchick Alex
What’s it to be indeed
What’s anything to be?

 

 

Inspired by a book that once helped shape a young mans free and open mind, A Clockwork Orange in which the very basic essence of existentialism is explored. Is a person still a person once stripped of choice and free will? Is there such a thing as free will? Is it up to a society to determine nurture or nature? Is the self the central theme of essence? I have read and reread the book many times, viewed the movie many times, and both still inspire deep philosophical questions of existence and cause and effect for me. The clockwork part is easy to work out, the running of the same regimens day after day without change but the orange has duel meanings for me. Anthony Burgess explains that the orange is a perfect fruit but I maintain a second meaning. No other word rhymes with orange giving it a sense of individuality and uniqueness. When they “cured “ Alex they were in effect coming up with other words that rhymed for Alex, stripping him of his individuality and winding him up in a clockwork. Anyway, my tribute to Stanley Kubrick, Anthony Burgess, and the words that jumped off the pages and into my heart and mind….
In street beat poetry

What’s That Daddy? A Question of Perspective

dad

 

Why are you crying Dad
Are you happy or sad?
Right now I’m sad my love
Why do we get sad Dad?
Sadness is part of life Baby Girl
As sorrows burrow
Deep within our selves
It leaves an empty tunnel
To be filled with joy
You fill that tunnel for me everyday
Sometimes it’s okay to be sad
Because happiness exists after sadness
The beautiful sound you hear
When you play the violin
Was born in the anguish of a tree
That grew sad as it was torn down
That wine that brings me joy
Was squeezed from the berry
Born of the tears of the vine tender
Shed when we extracted its luscious fruits

Happiness and sadness both exist within you
Your heart holds near these truths
To enriches all the treasures
Of your infinite depth
Revealed to your soul
Yet not to your eyes
For you don’t see happiness
But you know when it here
Only through life sap in your eyes
The tears of sorrow and joy
Can you meet your true being
And walk together always
Hand in hand with emotion
Through the good and the bad

Live and love in peace

From the very first moment our children point and ask “what’s that” we transform from average people to all knowing parents. They look to us for answers from that day forward and with the right perspective we can become the fountain they’re thirst of knowledge is quenched from forever more. It’s all about offering perspective…….

LAST NIGHT

last-night

 

Last night
I had a dream
I dreamt
It was the last night
Of my life
But when I woke
Tomorrow was waiting
To hear my song
To see me dance
To feel my touch
So I sang, and danced, and felt
In case it’s my last
Every night is a last night
For something
Or someone
One last sunset
One last breath
Each note can be the last note
Every dance can be the last dance
The last touch can be the last feeling
Any night can be the last night
Any day could be the last day
Live and love in peace today
And every day

Destiny Quest

quest

 

Just as the fallen acorn dreams
Of becoming one of the mighty oaks
So do the seeds of true knowledge
Yearn to grow into a wisdom
To become more than simply words
But rather concepts worthy of evaluation
Considered for shared validations
Perhaps exchanged in earnest honesty
Not debated as calculated opinions
But rather discussed as alternatives
To avoid using conflicts of death
As a means of arbitrating differences
A sound unifying of cultural concepts
Leading to a solid construction of idea’s
Not built as a house of cards bound and intertwined
On fragile shards of misplaced mutual discord
But built on a foundation of shared harmonies
A verbal arrangement like an orchestra
In an everlasting quest of peace and unity
In which we can proudly reserve for our children
Truth