Went To A Garden Party (An Existentialists Satirical Bible Interpretation)

garden

 

 
Part I
By JT Hilltop

Preface

We can’t wait until our babies can talk until they can. And damn can they talk.. Once they learn the fine art of communicating we bang our heads for not being careful what we wished for. They have an inate sense of how to easily push opur buttons with one simple word. Why! It’s an exercise in redundancy in which every answer we give evokes another why. Then they start to really ask questions. Not a question here and there but a barrage of never ending questions that like that once cute game of peek a boo has no definitive ending. “What’s oral sex Mom, why did you call that driver an ’A-hole’?”. What’s it mean when some one sticks up their middle finger Dad, is that bad? Is the ‘F‘ word bad?” And that’s just kindergarten. They wanna know everything about everything and the questions don’t stop, “Mommy, where do babies come from? Daddy, why were you moving furniture around last night?” Its just in the very fabric of our being to be inquisitive because even those unwilling to speak are curious. Inquiring mimes want to know.
Back when I was just a mere tadpole swimming around the shore burning questions festered in my head as well. I must have driven my Mom and Dad crazy with my overwhelming curiosity. “Why do I have to eat spinach? Is broccoli little tree’s? Why do I have to put the seat up after I pee?” Do spiders sleep at night?” “Who is God?” It was the last one that had Mom reeling and she handed me a black book called The Bible and said in a very earnest voice, “take this book to your father and ask him about God.”
And so I did. My dad wan’t one of those “I have to be honest with you son” types, in fact he funneled down the sex talk from my older brothers to avoid having to go one on one with me about biological urges so his bible explanation left much to be desired. Ergo, I was left to my own devices to come up with an interpretation….
Engagement Party In The Eden Room

My science teacher once told me evolution is the key to everything. Everything either evolves or it doesn’t survive. Who am I to doubt such an astute authority figure? He went on to tell me there was a time when we were all mere single celled organisms. Those were the good old days, so much more innocent than life is for humans today. Back then they didn’t even have a name for us, language hadn’t even evolved yet. Now they call us bipeds because we walk upright on two legs and use our hands to make and use tools. The original bipeds, our fellow male pig Neanderthals grew up like any other pack animals, in tribes. Each tribe or community took care of itself, gave as good as it got, hunted and gathered, and had no political affiliations all of them being progressives. They’re only purpose was to eat and fuck. Reproduction and eating kept the tribe alive. Sex was a happy accident of a survival strategy. Eating was rudimentary but make no mistake sex was the key to life. Most tribes were hunters or scavengers, either killing and eating animals, or scavenging the vegetation already here on earth. However, in an area we now call the Middle East, the so-called fertile crescent (fertile the definitive word), two tribes stood out among all others. The Aggies and The Shepherds. Both tribes had become far more advanced than any of the other tribes. These two tribes used reason and logic, figuring out a way to survive working together as a colony. It took a village. One tribe were The Aggies who learned how to manipulate the vegetation and grow it at will using soil, sun and water. They were prolific growers. The other tribe, The Shepherds, learned how to manipulate the cattle and sheep, and penned them up creating a seemingly endless supply of milks and meats. They were prolific manipulators. These two tribes habituated a very large area called the Garden of Eden. They didn’t like each other but they used their logic and reason to devise treaties and form imaginary lines they called boundaries which they agreed never to cross. So it was agreed the Aggies could live in the North Eden, and the Shepherds in South Eden. The tribes kept to themselves and all was peaceful until one seemingly insignificant incident set of a series of events that would change existence forever.
It was a beautiful late morning day in the Garden of Eden when a young male Aggie named Adam decided to take a walk in the designated forbidden area. The forbidden area was smack dab in the middle of the garden which served as a sort of buffer between the two tribes. It was chock full of colorful vegetation and small wildlife that enjoyed a life free of human domination or tricks. Both Aggies and Shepherds had agreed to never enter and allow whatever life survived within have it‘s freedom. That was their demilitarized zone, a patch of land untouched and unused by man or woman. But Adam was always an impetuous adventurous young man and snuck in to admire the beauty of the wild garden and cultivate different herbs and mushrooms in the magical place. He had created a hybrid of cannabis and special mushrooms which would one day in the future of the world play a large part in Moses having his “conversation” with God. But for now Adam kept the mind enhancers secret as he was not supposed to be in that area. In fact, no one else was either, but as it would happen, or perhaps as it was destined to happen, a female had also found solace in the forbidden garden zone.
So it was that on this one particular day everything would change forever. Adam was tending his plants in solitude when he swore he heard splashing water. Following the delicate splash sounds Adam came across a small waterhole in which a young lady was bathing in the nude. Not recognizing her from his tribe he assumed she must belong to the Shepherds. Those slightly whiter skinned people who smelled of animal shit. At first he was turned off but when he looked closely at her he noticed something strange. Aside from her large woman bumps she looked much like his own kind did only fairer in skin and hair. She had a pale complexion but much of her face was obscured by long bouncing colorless curls of thick hair. He liked the way her hair reflected the light of the sun across her face allowing only her eyes of deep turquoise which sparkled like evening stars and tiny button like nose and full lips in full view. He began to get a tingling in his loins because he found her oddly attractive and his fig leaf moved seemingly on its own. He became entranced as she bathed, water glistening off her white full breasts. The sight of her cherry nipples made his stomach a tad queasy. But not a bad queasy, a kind of happy tingling. He spied her with great delight and even began to wonder if she was like the women of Aggies in other ways. He felt that youthful familiar rising in his loins that cause men to lose control of their senses. He imagined her enjoying the pleasures of sex with him like the young women of his own tribe. He fantasized making wild unbridled passionate love to her. Considering the times perhaps it was bridled sex, but whatever, she made him hard and horny as all….. For lack of a better term, all Hell.
Adam continued tending and sampling his unusual cultivation’s but that was merely his fake excuse to return. Of course Adam had already decided he would return to cop a view everyday, have a quick toke of his and he had inadvertently created what would become the heart and soul of religion……Ritual

To Be Continued Tomorrow

The Legend Of Streaking Beauty

streak

From The Sick Bastards Fairly True Fairy Tale Series

Once or twice upon a time, in the Kingdom of Warner, King Stephan and Queen Leah (once a princess a long time ago, far far away in another galaxy) were unsuccessfully attempting to have a child. They wanted a daughter in the worst way so they could betroth her to soon to be born son of King Stephan of The Time Kingdom. They were hoping to merge the two Kingdoms into one huge kingdom, The Time/Warner Kingdom which would make it the biggest kingdom on Fairy Wall Street. After numerous unsuccessful attempts at making love on pink frilly sheets Stephan decided to try the Sting School of Tantric Sex. One lesson was performed in Finland during the Aurora borealis. They meditated out in the cold prior to having sex and despite the incredible phenomenon known as shrinkage Leah was impregnated that evening. Their child was named Aurora because she was conceived amid the Northern Lights.
Both kingdoms were excited by the news. The King and Queen proclaimed a holiday to christen their new Princess and announced the plans of the arranged marriage at a future date. They invited all the royalty from around the country, as well as hundreds of other guests. Everyone who was anyone was in there. Also in attendance for the christening were three members of the cast of “The Real Fairy-Wives of New Storyville” Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather. They had a table in front and were having a wonderful time exchanging rumored gossip while drinking buckets of alcohol. Stephan and Leah brought the new Princess Aurora to the table to receive gifts from the fairies. Flora gave the child the gift of a beautiful face, long flowing hair, perfect features, and lips that would never be in need of botox. Fauna was next, offering the child a future of a killer body, large round voluptuous breasts, a figure to die for without having to be on a celery diet, and long legs that would one ay make Price Phillip ecstatic when they were wrapped around him. When Merryweathers turn to offer a gift came around the conviviality of the room was disturbed by a booming and very angry voice, “You had a goddamn party an didn’t invite me? You bitches.” the room grew awkwardly silent when Merryweather spoke out, “Oh eat shit Maleficent, nobody want s your fat ass here. You’re a just two faced slut looking to bang anyone’s husband but your own. You weren’t invited because no one likes you.” Maleficent was livid as she grabbed the lip of the table tossing everything up into the air. She literally turned the table on her so called friends laughing as all the glasses and plates crashed to the floor breaking up into hundreds of pieces. “Ha! Nobody wants me here huh you bitch? Well then I should give this little twat her present before I leave.” She looked at the helpless child, “You’ll be beautiful and have a sexy body allright, but how’s this fort a present! You will finger a prick while on a spinning wheel and die before sunset on your sixteenth birthday.” Maleficent cast the curse then stormed out amongst a roomful of gasps. Merryweather walked over to the princess, “My blessing is not strong enough to break her curse but I can lessen it a bit. I will have her sentence reduced from the death penalty to deep sleep with chance of parole by true loves kiss. You must then run naked through the kingdom.” Stephan and Leah just stared angrily at Merryweather who responded, “What? it’s the best I can do I’m no miracle worker. I’m not the one who neglected to invite her.” The die was cast.
In an attempt to disguise their daughter they entered her into the witless protection program under the name Briar Rose, and was relocated to a woodsmans cottage outside of town. The three cast members of fairy wives that where at the heart of all the trouble gave up their designer wardrobe and went disguised as Walmart shoppers to watch over her. They promised to return after her 16th birthday (once they burner their low class clothes and got decked out). If they kept it secret Aurora would be safe from the curse. Maleficent went nuts trying to figure out where the princess was being hidden but had no luck. She finally hired a private investigator from Nevermore associates. Nevermore use avian drones disguised as ravens which had been very effective for many others.
The raven drone had lots of aerial pictures but nothing that Google earth couldn’t have provided until the one day when Briar Rose decided to go into town. It was the day before her 16th birthday and she wanted to get herself a treat. The three masquerading diva’s accompanied her to watch over her, but Fauna went to Manolo Blaniks store, Flora was coerced by Merryweather to go to Sax Fifth Ave leaving Briar on her own. With the fairy wives occupied Briar Rose seized the opportunity and went down to the teen hangout, Pogo‘s Froyo. There at the counter with a red velvet frozen yogurt covered in butterfingers was Phillip. The sight got Briar Rose a bit flustered an when Phillip turned an saw her he dropped his pants. No no!! His yogurt, he dropped his yogurt, sorry. Anyway, when the silver spoon from Phillips yogurt hit the ground sparks flew an their eyes met. Love at first sight. (Hey, it’s a fairy tale!) They went for a walk singing love songs to each other. Even the bluebirds sang.
Phillip told his ole man who flipped out. “First of all Phil, she’s from a poor family, and anyway, you are marrying Aurora after the curse is over. You my son, will be the CEO of Time Warner Kingdom.” Briars story fared no better an the pair were told to forget about love. Briar cried but guessed they were right.
The raven drone recorded the entire incident, and flew it back immediately to Maleficent via the NSA. She recognized her former co stars all dressed in atrociously drab clothing and knew instantly that the little slut they were with must be the princess. She quickly created a devious and dastardly plot. As the trio attempted to sneak Briar into the palace to celebrate her sweet sixteen Mallie lured the girl through a magic fireplace into a room with a spinning wheel and a naked man, the man she ha fallen in love with. She noticed he was in a trance yet still getting hard and Mallie said, “Go ahead my dear, touch it, he’ll love you for it.” As she fingered the prick she fell into a coma. “She didn’t die? Damn that Merrybitch, she did this to my curse! No matter, you’ll never wake up my little bitchie boo.” She hid the sleeping beauty in a bed in the east tower.
When the ladies went through the fireplace looking for Briar they found a spinning wheel and Phillips cap. They realized Mallie had captured the future of the entertainment industry assuming Briar to be in a coma somewhere. The three stormed into Maleficents home and the fight would prove to be the best season ender ever for the Housewives show. They rescued Phillip and explained the situation prompting him into action. Phillip stormed the castle finally finding Briar/Aurora, stripped her naked and laid a big swap spitting frenchie on her. She immediately awoke from he coma, took one look at Phil an ran as fast as she could.
Aurora became addicted to streaking naked through the kingdom but she only appeared to do it after her and Philly boy made love. Eventually he joined in and after every lovemaking session, the two ran naked all over town to the delight of all the people. Their escapades were soon recorded an a new reality how was created owned by Time/Warner. The two kingdoms had merged, and everyone lived happily ever after. Except Maleficent who had an unsuccessful spin off after she was dropped from the Housewife series.

Sinner Ella, beneath the silver slipper

ella

A Sick Bastards Fairly True Fairy Tale
J.T. Hilltop

What’s the deal with the story of a young chick who is tossed into servitude to her jealous step sisters and overbearing step Mom who magically transforms a pumpkin into a coach and herself into a diva to seduce a rich prince, then fleeing when time catches up with her. Not only that, she happens to leave behind a slipper luring the prince into a kingdom wide search for the fantasy woman’s foot who will fill that slipper. Lost slipper? Please! More like some Jimmy Choo”s Come hump me pumps she wore to entice Princey boy. Prince have a shoe fetish maybe? What kind of trickery is used to make mice look like horses? Who is this Fairy Godmother and why did the repo-man show up at midnight? Only the sick bastard can answer these poignant questions so here is JT Hilltops version of events from his “Sick Bastards Fairly True Fairy Tales.” I’m here to unravel the salacious subplot and reveal the half truths of this sacred story. Salacious indeed, the true tale, or should I say tail, has what it takes to rise up beyond your horny expectations. I hope to make it stand up in court and render an explosive climactic verdict. Open wide!

There’s many versions of this sordid tale but the most well known and accepted by far is the version told by our old pal and inspiration behind theme parkery Walter Disney. So that can only mean its true ergo that’s where the sick bastard will begin to take the treasured tale and twist it into a warped shell of itself. This isn’t the fairy tale your mama read you at bedtime, this is the story of the not so innocent Sinner Ella, the shapely and strikingly beautiful high heeled seductress with a secret helper and a gift of satisfying the most voracious sexual appetite that give her a much needed advantage …With a Wham Bam Whatta Slam Bibbitty Bobbity Bada Bing Bada Boo!

Once upon a bunch of thyme the 21 year old gorgeous Ella Fuchs was a good cook and sandwich maker who understood the value of a well placed sexual favor. In and out of church she was known as Sinner Ella and her list of sexual accomplishments earned her the coveted “Peoples Choice of Jumbo Golden Globes Award.” Her home movies, be they consensually filmed or secretly filmed received an XXX rating. She used her sensual piercing cobalt eyes and thick alluring lips to render her an advantage with just about everyone. Just about. Her sexual antics seldom worked at the home in which she lived with her frigid old step-mother, Lady Tremaine and her two step sisters Drizzle and Anna Sthesia who could best be described as…..well, homely. They were jealous of Sinner Ella because as a child the pretty Ella had won Bare Naked Toddlers and Tiara’s one year and was headed for fame and fortune in the erotic film industry. That is until her Mom, Clover Honeybear Boobaleeboo passed away leaving her alone with her father. The old boy didn’t trust himself around his sensuous daughter so he married Lady T. to help raise her and prevent him from a life of incestuous scandal. One night he went out for a pack of cigarettes and never returned. Poor Ella was forced to live a subservient lifestyle to the step sisters and step Mom. Sinner Ella prayed that one day someone rich would come by so she could use her oral wiles on him to get him to take her away. It was a sad situation but Sinner was sure that she could lick the problem.

Lady Tremaine was concerned about the competition Ella would give her own daughters so she destroyed all of Ella’s sexy gowns and threw away all her shoes. All except the one pair that Ella had hidden away, her no fail Jimmy Choo come and get me pumps with the spike heel and ankle straps. Sinner had seduced many a man and a half dozen women using her hump inducing pumps and she knew some day they would once again tickle the libido of someone who could free her from her circumstance. Some day!

“Ella you slut make us something to eat and don’t forget to feed Lucifer.” Drizzle seemed to enjoy ordering her slave girl around but Anne Sthesia was a tad more nice, knowing that Ella had a skillful tongue. Anna called from the bathroom, “Sinner, I need a towel to dry off.” Ella knew what that meant, it was more like a moistening up than a drying off. She put some chicken in the oven, fed the cat Lucifer, then headed up to the bathroom with a load of clean and folded towels. “Put the towels down and come lick me.” Anna was sitting on the edge of the tub so Ella put the towels in the cupboard and knelt down between Anna’s knees. She gently rubbed the inside of Anna’s soft white thighs. She hadn’t even been in the shower yet. Ella traced large circles around Anna’s thighs using her soft carnal touch making Anna breath hard before bending her head forward to allow her tongue to go to work, hungrily lapping Anna’s vajayjay paying extreme attention to her clitoris. Ella knew exactly where to touch Anna who was gyrating her hips around Ella’s long curly blond hair letting out a soft “Ohhhh my” Ella’s instincts took over and she expertly plied her tongue in and out of Anna vigorously as Anna’s moans got louder and louder until she climaxed. “Oh my God Anna, come bathe with me.” The two set in the warm water as Ella tenderly washed every inch of Anna’s body with soap as well as tongue. No sooner had she finished bathing her when Drizzle’s voice screeched out, “Maaaaa. They’re doing it again and she’s gonna burn lunch!”

Sinner Ella quickly jumped up from the tub, dried off and ran down to the kitchen where Lady T was waiting, face all scrunched up in a scowl. “God damn you little bitch you’ll be the death of us all. Keep your slutty girlie sex shit to yourself you dyke and finish cleaning up this house. I’m taking the girls shopping to get gowns for the Princes Ball on Saturday. You make sure all the chores are done and maybe I’ll let you go too.” Ella smiled to herself dreaming that she could dance with anyone let alone a Prince, but she also doubted it would ever happen. Nothing good ever happened to Ella since her father abandoned her. She worried the only dancing she would ever be involved in was pole dancing or lap dancing at the “Daddy Issues Naked Titty Bar” in town. She obeyed finishing the chicken lunch and served it to the three bitches that were ruining her life. After lunch Lady T took them out shopping while Sinner Ella alone in the house danced with a broom pretending it was a man. She then used that man to sweep up all the floors, plus she cleaned the dishes and straightened out the living room. She looked over at the three piles of dirty clothes thinking her chores would never end.

While scrubbing the kitchen floor Ella heard the three shopping ladies come home all excited. “Come Sinner Ella, come see what we got for the Princes ball.” Drizzle held up a spectacular Ann Tyler Blue sequined full length gown with a long slit up the thigh. “Ewww Mommie, I like! I bet that Prince will want to do me right there on the dance floor.” She then opened a shoe box, “Especially when he see’s my sexy self in these black leather Prada’s here.” Sinners heart sunk, the shoes were remarkable. Patent leather Saffiano pumps in Nero black with two and a half inch heels. A shiny pointed toe shoe that would reveal just the right amount of toe cleavage. Sexy yet sensible they were quite hot, but still nothing compared to Ella’s erection enticing Jimmy Choo’s. If only she could wear them to the ball and dance with the Prince. If only! Then Anna held up her gown, a fiery red Jovani full length sleeveless V neck sure to highlight her more than ample cleavage. She would surely look super sexy in that number, but worse, on top of that she would be wearing silver Manolo Blahnik’s with open toe and jeweled bows. With nearly four inch heels they came pretty close to Ella’ shoes. “Ewwww, I’m gonna look hot. The hell with the Prince, I want to do the Princes sister.” Lady T slapped her daughter, “You better get that lesbian shit out of your head right now. That’s for little trampy cunts like Ella! Get to church tomorrow and pray away the gay!” At first Anna objected, “But Mommy dearest,” then thinking the better of it just said, “You’re right Mommy, I’ll go to church.” But the telling glance she gave Ella let them all know that church or no church no gay was gonna
be getting prayed away . She is what she is.

Still believing her Dad would one day return it surprised Ella when Lady T showed off her newly bought wardrobe as well. Lady T held up a sexy black appliqué cocktail ball dress that would reveal almost all of her legs leaving very little to the imagination. Spaghetti straps would allow most of her smooth skinned back and breast to show freely and the sheer full length see through lace bottom made it one of the sexiest dresses Ella had ever seen. But the killer was when she pulled out a pair of shoes from the shoebox. Coal black Ostrich teazers with six inch spike heels with zipper up and straps to criss cross up her calves. Ella was stunned, shoes that rivaled her very own hump me pumps. Sinner Ella hid the tears that were sneaking down her cheeks and left to her room as Lady T bragged, “You ladies may have youth on your side but I’m gonna fuck that Prince’s brains and wallet right into the castle with this number. I’ll have that young stud screaming my name from between my thighs begging for more. I’ll show you how to bring the sexy girls, just you watch your cougar Mom tie a leash around his royal shlong! Get ready for a new Daddy girls, Mama T is brining sexy back!”

Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion of Sinner Ella