Looking Back In Anger

looking-back

 

It could have been Tuesday
Or Thursday
The days all seemed the same
Maybe it’ll happen tonight
Or maybe tomorrow
A painful waiting game
But I knew it was coming
Or was it going
Only time can know
Why did I need to watch it
Or worse, live it
See the cancer grow
Cancer is an arrogant shit
Stepping on hearts with depravity
But I remember you you shit
That very night it took my Mom
Cancer spun and waltzed to the ballroom floor
In an ugly miasmic dance with death
Teasing and taunting
Till we could take it no more
Dispassionate
Sucking up all her breath
She didn’t even know she was at home
Thought she was alone
Didn’t know how much I cared
Cancer took her brain away
Left her lonely and scared
With vile indifference
Some unfamiliar eyes looked my way
Like they had something important to say
But it wasn’t mom who was staring
The eyes were too angry
Then in my Moms deaths voice to taunt me
“Who are you? Why are you here? I don’t know you”
“It’s me Mom, your prodigal son. I’ve come back home.”
“You’re not my son, I’ve never seen you before in my life”
The anger in her eyes was vaguely familiar
At the same time completely foreign
Still they cut like a razor through my soul
Bleeding out the shame of virtues past
Burning a hole in my confidence
It wasn’t her it wasn’t her
It was the Cancer talking
Leaving me wounded
One final indignity
To taunt my reflection
Cancer cares for no one

Memories are like watching reruns of our lives. Many make us smile, swell with pride and feel the comfort and warmth of an epoch of our younger days. Sometimes they bring on a state of melancholy leaving us yearning for those days while others make us outright sad and depressed, especially when the memory is of something ripped from our hearts. They come as an ending, a final memory, the last episode. This is inspired from my final memory of my Mom who passed from cancer many years ago. I left home when I thought I had become a man to become an adult on my own terms which intensified the already established rift between my mother and I. Fortunately mere months before she was diagnosed with cancer we had come to understand and appreciate each other and our relationship had returned to a strong mother /son bond. On the downside, this made the end so much harder…

FU Cancer

fu cancer

 

Somewhere in everyone’s life

Cancer comes creeping

Looking for a place to stay

Cancer says can I come in?

You want my answer

Fuck you Cancer

Taking away my friends

My friends friends

And worst of all my Mom

I was her baby boy

The last of five dudes

Plus a baby girl with attitude

Until you got us all riled

Just after Mom and I reconciled

Years of angers subsided

Cancer your so damn vile

Ripping away my smile

With a sarcastic guile

So soon after I had it back you attack

Killer disease laughing all the same

And its you alone whose to blame

She didn’t even know my fucking name

On the last day that ever was

For my Mom

 

 

Got the word from my brother

A phone call from Hell

Didn’t wanna hear what he had to tell

Hey Man, Moms dead

She died in her bed

You mean she was alone?

No Bro

Cancer was with her

In her bones

Along with moans and groans

Our worlds so damn cluttered

We both shuddered

It was our Mother

Then we cried

As the cancer tried to hide

The coward disease

Attacking with such ease

Fuck you

Cancer you sleaze

 

Oh that horrible day

My eyes filled with tears

My life in arrears

Can I please make amends?

Depends

Is your heart on the line

You’re purpose genuine

Will you honor her dream?

Did you ever heard her scream

I barely even knew she was sick

I was such a dick

I’m so sorry Mom

It was me who was too combative

Too erratic

You deserved more than I had to give

If only you had lived

But cancer made It’s choice

And the lord expects me to rejoice

Take umbrage in his vision

In Gods decision

She’s better off now

So that’s your best answer?

Well fuck you cancer

 

 

 

 

Terminal Freedom

terminal

 

 

Internal apocalypse

Stage four

Or five

Anger rising in the moon

Eclipsed in confusion

She smiled to hide the fear

I stared blankly

Winter bitten eyes

No stars on the ceiling

No hope on the walls

Only tubes and comfort

Take me out of this Holiday Inn

I want to go home

 

Frightened at first

Covered in a quilt of panic

So tired but not ready to sleep

Then the moment came

Serenity

Clarity

Finality

She held my gaze

Mine placid in a pool of acceptance

Her eye’s filled with fear

Her world so cloudy

But I could see clearly

For the first time

For the last time

I smiled

It was over

I had finally found what I’ve always wanted

Freedom