Waiter, There’s A Fly In My Administration, (a flies eye view of Watergate)


I swear sometimes its like they don’t even know I exist. Well, that’s fine with me because my Dad always told me it is better to keep your mandibles shut and be considered a fool than to make some buzzing noise and remove all doubt. Besides, with those new-fangled fly swatters and bug zappers, my species has been taking a huge hit in the census reports. I prefer to just sit on the wall and quietly listen to these humans ramble on about all their petty nonsense. Interesting surroundings here I must say, much too clean for this flies taste with not even a crumb or juice spill for me nibble on, but I am in The White House and this is The Oval Office so it is only a matter of time until I come across a big pile of bullshit.

My Confession, I Was The Fly On Nixon’s Wall


The short lifespan of a fly doesn’t have much in the way of excitement so when I woke up in the oval office of The White House I knew I had a good story to tell my grand-flies next week. You know it must have been quite a ride landing me here in DC with Richard Milhous and his cronies but truth be told I don’t remember much of it. Oh, yea I get it, you see me rubbing my hands together in a devious manner and think I have been making plans to take over the world but no, I am just cleaning the ah…. Puke of my arms. Anyway, more on that later. First, a little background about the life and times of a short-lived pesky fly who ended up on the wall of Richard Nixon’s oval office.
All in all a fly life is boring. Oh sure if we find some dead body and it is like an all you can eat buffet for the entire family but that’s just a night out to binge and purge. There’s not a whole lot of exciting occurrences for a fly. Avoid that sticky gooey tape thing, play dive bomb at people heads while they try and swat us, and wait around to find some tasty shit. Literally shit. We live short simple lives and have very few needs. Air traffic patterns to confuse predators, anti-web maneuvers which, by the way seldom work, friggin spider bitches, and some good rotting flesh or defecation. Basically, we eat, puke, and eat again. Not your fabulous eat pray and love idiom but what the fuck, we’re only flies.
Oh yeah, about that flypaper. That’s my pet peeve man it is a real bitch because you use fly pheromones so we think we’re gonna fly United and get laid when all of a sudden glop! Bastard humans make those sticky tapes smell just like lady fly fluids and I’ve witnessed many a friend die thinking he was gonna do some mid-air muff diving only to find himself trapped dangling in a gluey mess with a dozen other would be amorous flyboys. But I don’t want to bore you with the details of the danger of life as a fly I came here to share the interesting conversations I was privy to while I was hanging out in the oval office here in the Whitehouse during the days of what you humans call the Watergate scandal. From my vantage point on the wall, I was able to hear quite a tale with a cast of characters that, well let’s just say for them to call our larvae maggots is extremely hypocritical. They think their fecal matter isn’t odiferous but any fly worth its proboscis can smell a politician miles from the beltway. But how did I get here? Listen up man, I’ll walk you through it.

The last thing I remember from last night was falling asleep all snug in the hidden hair region of a woman that I picked up bar. I had just flown in from Boston and man were my wings tired. It was pouring rain so I found this cozy little bar in Washington DC looking for a safe place to rest when I saw Destiny. Destiny was her name and my destiny was to find a comfy place to sleep in her warm pubic bed which is exactly what I did.
Destiny was at the bar drinking and when some dude started hitting on her it woke me up. “What’s a beautiful woman like you doing alone in a bar like this?” Phhhhtt. Real original! I started dozing back off because I had a feeling this clown wasn’t getting anywhere with that weak ass rap so I cuddled up near my curly hair snuggle mattress. Not much to worry about with an opening line like that.

But apparently, the dude was persistent. He told my cooch ride his name was George and he claimed he was some powerful man in DC. Oh, yea, and a Scorpio. Small talk? That was microscopic talk man, this dude was going nowhere. I fell asleep when he started asking Destiny what her sign was assuming Georgie boy wasn’t getting any sugar on this night. I got the feeling the asshole was married anyway and Destiny would no doubt pick up on that too so I felt safe and sound curled up in her warm curlies. But great God Brundle-fly was I ever wrong.

I woke up and found myself not in a soft perfumed curly muff mattress but in a dark coarse long brittle hair bed that smelled of cheap scotch and stale cigarettes. I found myself sleeping in the thick ugly mustache of none other than G. Gordon Liddy. How the blowfly did I get here? Seems somehow Georgie Porgie got lucky at some point last night and I was given a transfer to the thick Liddy Lip Central which gave me a bristly ride here right to the oval office of The Nixon White House.

Believe me, folks, G. Gordon was a real son of a bitch even by fly standards. Let me just say that I had no trouble throwing up on his smelly-ass lip rug to dissolve some of Destiny’s leftover love juice for my breakfast. He made puking easy. Apparently, he was some kind of bigwig in the FBI and has been screwing people over for a living for quite some time. He was a personal friend of the other asshole in the office, Richard Nixon. Think I’m bullshitting? Well, I shit you not my friends because Tricky Dicky here taped the whole thing which will validate my tale so listen to my story as they play the taped conversation and you’ll see what I mean.

“George, did you read what those Godless bastards at the Times wrote about me last night?” Even a fly can detect paranoia, and man did Nixon had a really bad case. George started rubbing his lip (yup, the infamous rug transferring lip) which is what caused me to relocate to the west wall. “Dick, I’m telling you, some sonofa bitch is leaking stories to those damn reporters and they want to print whatever they can to discredit me.. And The Whitehouse. What you need is an experienced, ah, um, plumber, a sneaky plumber to find the leaks and eliminate them.” Nixon was clearly angry and interested, “Your right George, those pricks are out to destroy me, to take me down.

Every chance they get The post, The Times, those pricks Sevareid and Reasoner, they’re all trying to screw Richard Nixon. Let me tell you George Richard Nixon will not be taken down by some leftist liberal atheist commie shithead. So man, what’d you have in mind?” George shuffled a little as Richard stared out the window. “Look, I have a source who tells me the Pentagon Papers were released by someone working for General McNamara. I have a name. The sonofa bitch copied classified files and now wants to leak them for his own agenda. There’s something I want to try. This asshole goes to a psychiatrist and I’m going to liberate the files of this ratfink bastard from the shrinks office for proof. Then we’ll nail his communist ass to the fucking wall! No one will believe a word he says. Listen, I know a few guys from the organization I can still trust, and with me as their chief I’ll find him and any other scumbag commie leaker and get rid of them all. You’ll never be implicated in anything, It’ll be my operation and I’ll run it. Of course I’ll keep you informed but this will give you plausible deniability.” Nixon smiled, “Plausible deniability? I love it George, okay lets go with that. You head up my group, the Whitehouse plumbers.” George was one of those control freaks who need to assert his dominance and replied, “Operation Odessa Mr. President, in here we can be called the plumbers but officially we’re Odessa, part of the Committee To Reelect the best President our fair country has ever had. I’m gonna get my guys together and I’ll report to you in two days. I already have my lead and he’ll be the first sonofa bitch to go.” Nixon shook Georges hand and said, “No names George, not yet. These prick liberals are trying to ruin me, ya know? They want to bring down America, become Commies and make it normal for our kids to be homos. I don’t think they even believe in God. You bring me some results and I’ll make sure you get rewarded.” George shook Dicks hand, “My reward will be serving you Mr. President, just leave things to me. I have the way to deal with the unpatriotic hippies. I’ll get rid of all your problems Dick.” George left and Dick opened a drawer of his desk picked up a microphone and softly spoke, “G. Gordon Liddy and President Richard Milhous Nixon, June 18th 1971.” and closed the drawer. Hmmm, odd these humans, they seem to secretly tape record conversations. I wonder why?
To Be Continued………..

American History Y


History is a thing of the past
Sacrifices made to appease esoteric gods and generals
Scribed in blood across fields of battle
Forged from discrepancies over the faithful dominion
Bearing monuments of granite to mourn our freedom
History is war in it’s inglorious redundancy
Death machines roll over boulders in search of flesh
Mindlessly crushing bones into a gravel pits of grief
Mechanical arrows dipped in chemical degradation
Silken fiery rocks lacking mercy roll the horizon
Leaving tales of soot and ash in it’s mournful wake
Burnt images of abalone gods praised on alters of fear
Built on false pedestals from the spines of men
Shovels pierce the earth to bury our agonies
Hidden deep under earth and out of sight
Grapes too wrathful for our vines so tender
As it was in the beginning so is it now
Our own creations
Who created who
At what cost

The American dream

We the people who own the United States
In order to form a more perfect Dominion
Establish tax shelters
Insure domestic dependency on our products
Provide loopholes for corporations
Promote unfair trade practices in their favor
Do ordain and establish the Constitution of The United Corporations of America

Bill Of Wrongs
I Congress shall willfully and wrongfully tax the citizens except in the case of religion or corporation
II Congress shall wrongfully and willingly do whatever the NRA directs them to
III Congress shall willfully and wrongfully take advantage of the citizens it works for
IV Congress shall willfully and wrongfully disregard due process of law to whomever they see fit
V Corporations shall collude with banks to create credit to insure we will always have people in debt
VI Congress shall wrongfully and willingly assure their own raises, perks, and healthcare prior to considering any budget cuts

Pledge your allegiance, buy our products

I pledge allegiance to the Logo
Of the United Corporations of America
And to the Wall Street for which it stands
One nation strictly for the wealthy
And to all the denominations of the dollar for which it stands
Easily divisible
With liberty and justice for the rich

Support the troops by posting on Facebook


An Editorial
Support the troops! What a noble sounding statement, placed on bumper stickers, made into memes with waving flags, and posted on the walls of patriotic facebookers everywhere. People want everyone to know that they support the troops but is it for the soldiers or to make them feel good about themselves? On patriotic holidays their walls are cluttered with statements accusing the rest of us of not remembering the real reason for the holiday, how we should thank the soldiers for their sacrifices. So what that it? Hey man thanks for risking your life, it was an honorable thing to do. Here, take this thanks and a big boorah to you soldier. I’m sure that when they are in the middle of a firefight those thank you’s save their sanity. Do you truly want to show support for the troops? How about supporting them with something a bit more tangible than “Thanks for your service”. Help them acclimate back into society with more than a slap on the back and a thank you.

In my existential an humble opinion the most appropriate and effective way we can thank the troops is to SHOW them. Show the troops that we do not take for granted the freedoms and liberties they fought for. Let them come home to a sane world where the theory of democracy, the belief that everyone has equal rights, racially, culturally, religiously, and socially, is fully intact. A system in which everyone can be involved in the proposal and development of laws. You know, a government of the people, by the people, and for the people. Instead they come home to see our congress fighting each other over petty posturing, and debates devolve into character assassinations, and the preponderance of their work pointing fingers at the other side in media photo ops. We need to work together to pass sensible legislation designed to keep us free and safe. I was truly hopeful at one point that we would pass sensible gun laws. Can you honesty tell me you believe our troops put their lives on the line and withstood the horrors of war so any half witted ass clown can own an automatic rifle with enough rounds of ammunition to decimate a towns population? We have stricter laws for our automobiles than we do for guns. And please stop with that ridiculous guns don’t kill people, people kill people crap defense because I could say the same for hand grenades or bazookas. Should every American have the right to own a hand grenade an use it if they feel threatened? I’m not saying no one should own a gun, but is it too much to ask that the owner act responsible? Show the troops that the country they are fighting for cares about its own people, and will not tolerate the streets being filled with maniacal twisted sociopaths who watch and plan as other killers, citizens, gain notoriety in the media. Yes if they are going to kill they will find a way shouldn’t we make it harder for them to arm themselves rather than easier? And what if legislation only saved a handful of lives? Believe this, if one of the lives save was your own child it would be a hugely significant handful an you would be thankful for sensible gun control. Truthfully I worry this may never happen, if the cold blooded murder of elementary school children hasn’t effected the laws to protect then there is little hope that the big businesses that influence and own congress will ever place human life above profit. But lets not stop trying, our children deserve more than we have been able to provide them. Just asking for sensible legislation, not abolition.

How about supporting the troops by cleaning up our own messes at home. They return from a foreign country helping to rebuild that country and come home to bureaucracies preventing basic affordable healthcare, streets littered with garbage, people killing each other in the street and in the schools, crime everywhere, people beating each other up over lifestyle choice, or religion. In other countries the troops witness home being destroyed, families torn apart, villages bombed, or gassed, then come home to a bunch of haters hiding behind the American flag proclaiming how patriotic they are while they deny basic human rights to people they feel don’t fit into their concept of what American means. Quit hiding your hatred behind a flag or a god. Its not being “American” to pass laws allowing you to shoot others if you feel threatened. Its not patriotic to deny that the world climate is changing and continue to support businesses that are destroying our environment. Its not pleasing god to hate gays or lesbians, maybe give them a beating in the name of Jesus. Its not dissing god to believe the proofs that science place in front of us. You want to believe in god you still can, but don’t exploit your ignorance genes by denying the truth, incorporate it. What the Hell, maybe god created evolution, maybe his days lasted a million years. Incorporate the truths into your religion and move on, don’t use it as an excuse to judge others, to prosecute others, celebrate your religion as all inclusive and love filled, not hate filled your gonna burn in hell for all time if you don’t believe in my faith!

If all you want is for all your friends and family to know how much you support the troops and love your country superficially then go ahead, post it all over your wall, put it on a bumper sticker to proudly display on your car. Honk if you support the troops. Hell man, get a damn American flag tattoo on your forehead if you want, but as far as I can tell the very best way to support our troops is to welcome them home, listen to their stories, assure them prompt medical attention, work to pass sensible laws that reflect what sacrifices they have endured, and work and strive hard every day for peace so that we can tell the troops no more of our American kids will be forced to endure the horrors of war like they did. Again, just The Existential Bakers opinion. PEACE