This Way To Egress 2016



Come on suckers gather around

Listen to the loudest snake charmer in town

I build people up so I can beat them down

I make a lot of noise but it’s nothing but sound

I’ve got no real plan and I couldn’t care less

Throw your vote down my hallway this way to egress


Jump on my bandwagon please donate

All by myself I’ll make America great

If you wanna know how you just hafta wait

Cause there ain’t a single plan here on my plate

I screw the people in my way but I couldn’t care less

Let me deal and steal your right to vote, this way to egress


No foundatrion my words are purely baseless

Screw the elder victims to me their faceless

Some say my eminent domain is a little abrasive

Bit what can you expect from a misogynist racist

All the things I do will leave our country a mess

Making me the Prez the quickest way to egress



Put me in charge so I need to feel the power

I got a million insults to make every race cower

My White House will become a giant golden shower

I really don’t care if I make this world a big mess

As long as I’m in power, this way to egress



Egress, The action of going out or leaving, direct means of departure

This way to egress was one of P.T. Barnum’s most infamous scams. While in his Barnum’s American Museum signs were strategically placed that read “This way to egress”, egress being a word many people did not understand. Mr. Barnum realized people spent too much time there and needed more revenue so he placed the signs strategically knowing people would follow the signs out of curiosity only to find they had exited the show and would have to pay a second admission if they wanted to return. Don’t throw your vote out the egress, educate yourself about the issues and formulate informed opinions based on fact or reasonable speculations no matter which party you support. Don’t make knee jerk reactions or be a slave to a political party, choose which candidate you truly believe will do right by We The People.



Vote For Me And I’ll Set You Free



Yea brothers and sisters, The Existential Baker is considering a run for the Whitehouse. I mean why not? I’m all about change and that’s pretty much what we all want isn’t it? We don’t need politicians, entertainers, or CEO’s to tell us the government is broken, we are all intelligent enough to figure that out ourselves. The government cracked the exact same time the Liberty Bell did but its become more of a huge rift than a crack. Look what’s going on today, people are cheering for what may very well become the first Insulter In Chief of the nation. They’re using messages of anger, hate, and name calling to incite us into making ridiculous decisions just because it will be a change. Do you want change only for the sake of change? Fuck it guys, I could be that change just as easily as a reality show host that is based on deception like all reality shows, a doctor, a CEO, or another same old same old Politian. The difference is I’ll be honest because I‘m not backed by any big business. Truth is, no big business in its right mind would give me a second look. One hell of good a credential when you really think about it.

I mean seriously, look at all the presidential contenders. They look, dress, and talk like they are already for their position in Disney’s Hall Of Presidents. Are you telling me the country couldn’t be run by a group of mellow headed people in tee shirts and sandals better than those dressed in the Wall Street Military uniforms of uniformity ? We’re nothing but votes to those freshly dry cleaned suit wearers, they couldn’t care less about our personal struggles unless we might make good sound bites in their State Of The Union addresses. They are all for alternative fuel while accepting campaign contributions from big oil companies. A candidate backed by war profiteers and tax shelter seeking billionaires. No taxing the rich, no giveaways to the poor, no relief for the “working class”. What is the working class anyway? Someone working a minimum wage job to feed their family is still a worker, just not in the same class as those a little better off. Trickle down economics trickles into the banks of the rich and then disappears. All that money spent on elections someone has to be owing someone else an awful lot of favors. But they will reward us by halting immigration. They have plans to stop immigration so long as their families and servants are already legal. They tell you what you want to hear, what you think the solution is and make you think it was their idea to begin with. They will pamper the religious masses just to kiss their asses and get their vote. Once elected they don’t care but I still will. Vote for me AND I’LL set you free!

Hey, heres some good news guys, they all want to make sure that healthcare insurance companies cover Viagra, but God forgive you if you use your savings to buy condoms, they won’t be covered. Neither will birth control pills ladies, put some cheap aspirin between your legs and deal with your hard man the way God intended. On your knee’s. Check it out, its in the bible somewhere. And if it isn’t they’ll find a scripture that can be bent just enough to in sinuate it. So they are happy to get your man hard for you but please don’t come to our healthcare plans for your “lady problems” like unwanted pregnancies or other “crazy women issues.” Just keep your man happy and hard and while your on your knees say a little prayer to God to apologize for being so……slu….Um, Forward.

So you ask why should you vote for me? Aren’t I one of those tree hugging liberal hippies? Your Goddamn right I’m a tree hugger! Those fucking tree’s give us oxygen, give homes to millions of species of birds and other animals, offer fruits and nuts for all to eat, and they go on and on through harsh winters, brutally dry summers, winds, rains, and whatever nature can throw at them and they still stand tall exuding life giving assistance for anything and everything. When the mighty tree’s do die, they take it on themselves to nourish Mother Earth herself. If that doesn’t deserve a hug I don’t know what does! Am I a tree hugger? Hell yes motherfuckers I am a tree hugger, the bigger question is are you, and if not, why not!

So that’s Why I am considering running for president, because I believe Americans deserve better than the crap choices being offered today. Choosing the lesser of two evils is still an evil. Don’t buy their horseshit phony plans of keeping us wealthy and secure, all they are selling is the illusion of wealth and security so we can go about our daily business comforted in the fact that we are safe. You know, like we hear every time violence strikes a community, that kind of thing just never happens here. Of course it does, it happens anywhere and everywhere. Violence has no geographic limitations and not a single one of them can guarantee our safety. Neither can I, but here’s the difference. I won’t lie to you and make you feel all warm and fuzzy, I’ll give it to you straight. Or gay, what difference does it make? Live and let live, stop telling other people how to live their lives. No red or blue states, united states. United! Like everyone get their shit together and worry about their own lives, mind their own business. We are all one single species, human beings. So if I do decide to run I’m asking you to vote for me not because it’s a change, or I’m not a Politian, but because if you vote for me I’ll set you free! Thanx Y’all Peace out!


Cool Man, Who Won?


Last night the mid term election of a lifetime
Did little but upset the balance of primetime
Will it be republicans or will the democrat win
Depends which news you listen to get their spin

The political pundits are hard from return analysis
Either that or they od’ed on too many Cialises
The male winners of last nights mid term elections
Are standing up tall proving they’re the erections

Hopefully everyone got out last night to vote
To save the country from rowing a paddless boat
Cruising up shits creek while paddling by hand
To keep terrorist and viruses out of our land

Isis Ebola and a crumbling economic mess
What is at stake here is our futures at best
Hopefully now a brand new set for u and me
Of douches and douchettes to send to DC

No more commercials, screamers and criers
Time to analyze our spanking new pile of liars
So smile everyone we gottem on the run
Another new congress to get nothing done

No YOU Get Out And Vote!!


Tuesday, the national day of elections, the day all the bullies on Facebook an Twitter or any other medium for their pulpit scream at me to get out and rock the vote. “You’re vote counts” “If you don’t vote then you can’t complain” Oh yea, they dip it in honey or drench it in sugar so its cloyingly sweet and well intentioned but it bullying just the same. Get off my back!

Its my right to vote. Its also my right not to vote and it my right to complain whether I voted or not. So the voters make up the rules? Bullshit, you think your vote is almighty and uber important? Your vote is a teeny weeny blip on the tally. When the last time someone one by one vote uncontested? Some states flip coins, some draw cards, some have run offs, but its never cut and dried in the event of a tie. But maybe you’re right, maybe my vote is the one vote that will decide the fate of an entire state. Obama was declared winner before all the voting was even done. Bet the west coast slackers didn’t feel like their vote counted, maybe they should have gotten off their assess and gone earlier!

So quit your goddamn bullying and get off your high horse and leave me alone, I am reasonably intelligent (seemingly more so with autocorrect) and I have a pretty good idea how the vote works. I know its today and I know where and how an if I choose to vote that’s my option, I won’t be bullied into thinking that if I don’t I have somehow messed up the whole system and fell short of my duty.

So I may vote, I may not. Either way if I am unhappy with the performance I will complain. I have endured weeks of irritating political commercials, robocalls that insult me by assuming I’m such an idiot that I haven’t got the wear with all to make up my own mind, and (ahem) friends on face book who apparently excelled in political science and economics in school although I don’t remember that back in the day and I seem to remember most of them at protests with me. Maybe that was before they got seduced by the almighty dollar, the corporate concept of Inc God We Trust, and having a little money has clouded their youthful idealistic dreams of living in a world that’s fair and just. Maybe we should go back to those idealistic values. Lets take a vote! ……PEACE