Snow Zombies To Attack Northeast


Oh my God Northeast , have you seen all that white stuff? And my doppler radar forecasts much more of it lasting a whole bunch of hours. Since we aren’t sure of how many hours, all TV stations will cover the storm 24/7. We have experienced journalists who spent countless hours in school for just such an occasion, to go to neighborhoods performing dangerous stunts like sticking rulers in the snow banks or watching people spin their tires in the snow. Possible in the exact spot they all froze eggs in pans two weeks ago ….Don’t look now but it’s the snowpocolypse, the hailmaggedon, the end of the non snow world as we know it. The heavens have opened the freezer door and are defrosting it right on top of us. Its sure to thaw out the snow zombies. What are we gonna do?? I know, we need to flood the grocery stores and remove all of their milk, bread, water, and eggs. That’s the only thing that can stop this global warming disproving climate threat. Then we can run to Home Depot to make sure all of the salt bags, shovels, and snow blowers are all gone. That way, when the snow zombies come around they won’t have the staples of life. I suggest full body armor when you hit the supermarket because you will nee to fight off the geriatric special opps troops attempting to stockpile food for their underground shelters.
This storm is unprecedented, like nothing anyone in the Northeast has ever had to deal with before. Oh sure you may hear some of the elders chatting up about past blizzards before but that was before the snow zombies existed. And they are poised to attack!! Fortunately the government has intercepted their communications, (how do you like the NSA now, doubters?) and have a fantastic line of defense. They are soaking all the roads in brine so when the zombies attack, they will be tempted by sauerbraten turnpike. So buy as much milk, bread, eggs, and water and lock yourselves inside. No work, no school, no nothing. Do Not Attempt To Fight The Snow Zombies!! They are waiting outside making snow angels as you read this. Stay ssafe, I hope to see you all back here in the thaw…..


a plow

Dig this, I’m not about ranting over the effects of Global Warming, at least not today, but ya gotta admit the weather across the globe has been pretty friggen strange over the last bunch of years. Take for instance this past snowstorm that had Texans bucking black ice patches instead of wild horses, Nevadans gamble their driving capabilities, and Kentuckians and Tennesseans blaming snow instead of bourbon for their accidents. Here on the NE coastal Tri State area it just dumped an unusual early snowstorm to warn us of whats to come. Superbowl of a blizzard? Maybe, but yesterday all it did was inconvenience us and unleash that major winter headache, amateur snowplow drivers.
All sorts of pick up trucks sporting huge plows on the front to push around snow. A closer look inside these trucks often reveals a small problem. That is to say, a diminutive driver who lacks self confidence using a big plow to compensate for something! Some of these frustrated plowers are so insecure they’ve had their plows hanging out for all to see right through the summer. Look over here ladies, my plow is up an ready. What they may not realize is that while pushing the snow about is somewhat impressive, if you don’t know how to park the plow is only an attachment. No matter what you have, if you can get it into the parking space skillfully the size of the shovel is irrelevant.
Yesterday afternoon I watched as two pick up trucks pulled up alongside each other at a red light. Their face were forlorn, because it was early afternoon and the storm had already dropped its load and the roads were all clear. I couldn’t help but notice how each of them snuck a glance at the others plow. Clear and obvious plow envy! I remember a time way back when one summer after polishing off a number of beers and shots of Jack Daniels out in the Hamptons I meandered into the rest room to repay the beverages I had borrowed from the bar. It was pretty clear I was not a resident, my clothes certainly betrayed the fact that I was not one of the “beautiful people” who often partied in West Hampton. Also clear was the dude standing at the urinal beside me was indeed one of those beautiful people, even his socks looked tailor made. As I took care of business his head tilted slightly to what could only be considered an attempt to catch a glimpse of my equipment. I had to wonder why he was sneaking a peek at my man muscle. Was he comparing his to mine or mine to his? Was he interested in more than just a peek, or was he merely wondering if someone from my side of the tracks had a tell tale mark or different shaped appendage.
Of course that was just young mans penis envy, wondering how to gauge if he was in the ballpark of average penile hang-age or if he was perhaps in the …ah…. larger percentile, which I’m sure was his hope. Sorry to have disappointed him….. Oh wait, I didn’t mean to imply I am larger, I meant that size doesn’t matter. Well it matters to a degree, way too much or way too little may be hard to….ah.. overcome! But like I said earlier, if a guy knows how to park his vehicle properly a smaller car can be just as powerful, effective, and attractive. Apparently however, this rule of …ah….thumb does not apply to the overcompensation crowd. It was a case of dueling plows and I’m not sure what the winner gets and I really don‘t care. Personally, I think its better to concentrate on having the right mud flap anyway….