Looking Back In Anger

looking-back

 

It could have been Tuesday
Or Thursday
The days all seemed the same
Maybe it’ll happen tonight
Or maybe tomorrow
A painful waiting game
But I knew it was coming
Or was it going
Only time can know
Why did I need to watch it
Or worse, live it
See the cancer grow
Cancer is an arrogant shit
Stepping on hearts with depravity
But I remember you you shit
That very night it took my Mom
Cancer spun and waltzed to the ballroom floor
In an ugly miasmic dance with death
Teasing and taunting
Till we could take it no more
Dispassionate
Sucking up all her breath
She didn’t even know she was at home
Thought she was alone
Didn’t know how much I cared
Cancer took her brain away
Left her lonely and scared
With vile indifference
Some unfamiliar eyes looked my way
Like they had something important to say
But it wasn’t mom who was staring
The eyes were too angry
Then in my Moms deaths voice to taunt me
“Who are you? Why are you here? I don’t know you”
“It’s me Mom, your prodigal son. I’ve come back home.”
“You’re not my son, I’ve never seen you before in my life”
The anger in her eyes was vaguely familiar
At the same time completely foreign
Still they cut like a razor through my soul
Bleeding out the shame of virtues past
Burning a hole in my confidence
It wasn’t her it wasn’t her
It was the Cancer talking
Leaving me wounded
One final indignity
To taunt my reflection
Cancer cares for no one

Memories are like watching reruns of our lives. Many make us smile, swell with pride and feel the comfort and warmth of an epoch of our younger days. Sometimes they bring on a state of melancholy leaving us yearning for those days while others make us outright sad and depressed, especially when the memory is of something ripped from our hearts. They come as an ending, a final memory, the last episode. This is inspired from my final memory of my Mom who passed from cancer many years ago. I left home when I thought I had become a man to become an adult on my own terms which intensified the already established rift between my mother and I. Fortunately mere months before she was diagnosed with cancer we had come to understand and appreciate each other and our relationship had returned to a strong mother /son bond. On the downside, this made the end so much harder…

The Sun Also Rises

sunrise

 

Props to Papa

Stealthily the sun soars above our heads
In a glorious haze of red and yellow
Stretching its warmth over the horizon
Playing solar games in the mountains
Until her once bright light tires and dims
She courtesy and dips below the surface
Allowing darkness to create mazes and enigmas
The sun does set
Perplexities that plague a generation
Lost in search of awaterbead drop
Of integrity from a world immoral
Decadence and depravity amongst
The promise of reassurance and love
Only to crumble under dark shadows
Of the evil lurking in midnight mists
The hope of liberation rises with light
A sensual bright enriching solar massage
Which breathes life into the elusive dying
Men drink and fight so with the bulls
With delicacy and grace their women
Soothe their angst with enigmatic skill
Allowing the sun to ascend triumphantly
For what profit hath a man of all his labor which he taketh under the sun*
Even as nightfall sets upon a generation lost in it’s own obscurity
The sun also rises

 

With sincerity she glides up on shore
Her shining bright diamond arrows
Shot across from a maroon Kimono
Bursts brilliance across our vision
Shedding it’s luminosity across a horizon
Opening the portals of our enlightenment
Yes the dependable sun will again set
But the sun also rises
*Ecclesiastics 1:3

 

 
Live and Love in Peace

I Love You Man

bryan

 

Forgotten laughs
Turn to sighs once
A piece of childhood
Retires to memories
I heard the news
A boulder on my heart
Haven’t seen him
Since life happened
Yet somehow I still miss him
Miss the carefree times
Fearless sled rides
Down the glistening crescent
Crashing and laughing
Into diamond ice drifts
Not noticing the cold
Fires of friendship glowed
Bonfires of the innocent
Strolling on our bikes
Kick stands banana seat
Three speed really neat
Nowhere to go
But so much fun
Getting there
Carefree nights
Listening to crickets song
Camping out so tough
In the backyard
Looking up at the stars
Wondering who we are
Who We’ll be
Asking about life
But like clouds in the sky
Life passed us by
Our very first cars
The girls and the bars
Dreaming about playing guitars
Until life took control
Different nights on a different day
Life can be funny that way
Finding love getting jobs
Get away from the mobs
Then came the day I moved away
Yea man, life’s funny that way
Ironic
After so many sunsets
Its much too easy to forget
That the best friends I had
From my mirrors rear view
Were much closer than they appeared
All along
With a blink of an eye
Our lives passed us by
And the love of a friendship
Fades and runs dry
Memories in storage now
In the gallery gone
Where my space awaits
To become the past
Those days found a home in my heart
We had the best of times
Maybe that’s why I’m numb
But my heart breaks not for myself
It aches for the family
Of my childhood friend
Who welcomed me into their home
And still to this day
Allow me into their hearts
Bryan…. I Love You Man
Rock In Peace sweet childhood soul mate
Live And Love In Peace