The Universe Is A Petrie Dish
J.T. Hilltop

There are those among us that believe that we are the ultimate creations, the single most important species in the universe. No, not the Kardashians, I’m talking about the reverently religious zealots who still insist that the universe was created by the one true creator, theirs. The ones that say earth is only 6,000 years old and science is pure nonsense. Bad news my zealot friends, the truth is we are a small speck of a culture dish being studied under a microscope. The bacterium on slides we viewed in biology labs in high school haven’t even been discovered yet by the ones studying us. To them the bacteria we observe microscopically is still a hypothesis called quantum theory and they are searching for the Higgs Bosen, or God particle which in reality is our very own staphylococcus. Get it? Well don’t, it’s a bitch to get rid of. So anyway that essentially makes us pathogens to these humongous scientific creatures who have us in their Petrie dish. Whaaaaaat? Okay, a little perspective.
As we will learn, assuming we pay attention to the new show Cosmos: A Space Time Odyssey, (On NatGeo.. highly recommend!!) there are many universes, a multiverse not just the universe we can’t even seem to find the end of. Personally I think instead of just exploring all over the universe trying to find the end one of us should just stop and ask directions. Unfortunately that would involve admitting we are not the smartest species in this universe let alone the millions of others out there. At any rate, our universe is situated in a huge scientific lab that makes the large Hadron Collider in Europe seem laughable, almost like a tiny little ant farm being viewed from the moon. Not our moon, Io, one of Jupiter’s moons.
The truth is our universe does have limits in the way of a spherical finite dish with a circumference as its boundaries. Our seemingly never ending universe is a live active culture in large round dish known as Experiment#541728226, and it is stored along with hundreds upon hundreds of other universe dishes all containing planets, and solar systems, and galaxies, and quasars, black holes, pulsars and super novas. Or as the multiverse scientists call it, Cosmic Bacterium. To us, our planet has a multitude of different species including humans, but to the Cosmic Scientist its merely an experiment and we are what they call micro-humanoid genatlium, a parasitic bacteria they discovered on the hairs of the genitals of a species from their world similar to our primates. They loving refer to us humans as GBHB. (Gorilla Ball Hair Bacteria)
Now I know this all sounds a bit far fetched but when you really think about it its not much different than many of the tales of the various religions around our own world. Aside from the obvious burning bushes, floating zoo’s, talking donkeys, salt pillar people, and river parters of the regular sort we have a religion created by a sci-fi writer, ones that focus on magic spells, UFO’s, cosmic light people, and even a church of euthanasia, which promotes cannibalism, suicide, and sodomy. And that’s not even the most bizarre, there is a group of people who believe the illuminati impregnated a women with Satan’s sperm and delivered the baby antichrist (Was its Moms name Rosemary?) They also believe that Nicola Tesla was originally from Venus and that we are conducting cloning experiments on Mars. Now I ask you, is a universe that’s a petri dish in a cosmic laboratory really all that out there?
I mean really, compare my theory to creation theorist that include leaders who convince their followers to drink poison Kool aid, commit mass suicide to transport their souls to a spaceship, allowed themselves to be killed while locked in a building, and finding assorted methods of death to escape the coming apocalypse by being reborn on a planet orbiting the star Sirius. I’m serious, Sirius!
Shit, by comparison my theory sounds almost plausible, or perhaps even sane! Hell, maybe it is sane, maybe I’m on to something. Perhaps the end of the world as we know it won’t be so spectacular, perhaps our world will end when the scientist in charge of experiment 541728226 gets frustrated at their progress and dumps the entire universe sown the drain. Or maybe I watch too much Doctor Who. But hey……Ya never know!