Pool Hall Alumni


All I Need To Know I Learned In The Poolhall

We got trouble. With a capital T and That rhymes with P and that stands for pool. I played a fair amount of pool in my day most of which was in my Misspent youth. Misspent Youth? That would suggest my childhood was squandered, idle, profitless, and wasted. Bullshit! Certainly not squandered I had a great many experiences and adventures and not idle, I spent much of the time with my heart racing in anticipation of childhood fantasy’s becoming real. Profitless? Please, I had two paper routes, worked as a stock boy in a deli and washed pots an pans in a restaurant before I was 16 so I made a good deal of profit. Of course I saved very little but I did put most of it back into the economy. I was supporting the tobacco industry, alcohol industry, record industry and whatever was left over supplied the mall with odd and end purchases. Wasted youth? Well ye if you mean I got wasted a lot in my youth yes but I didn’t waste my entire childhood I got a valuable education. But it wasn’t in school that I learned all I needed to know to survive, it was at the pool table.
Life’s most valuable lessons. The first time I stood at the table it was awe inspiring. A perfect symmetrically balanced rectangle with four corner pockets, two side pockets, and a smooth beautiful green felt top. On the western end of the table sat fifteen perfectly round numbered balls arranged in an equilateral triangle. Seven of those balls striped, and eight of them solid. But one solid ball stood out from the rest. Dead center of the triangle sat a most menacing looking black ball with the sign of infinity on it. Stunning. The east end of the table was where I stood, with a blank white ball with what looked like permanent light blue smudge scattered about it. This was my cue ball, as shiny as Mr. Cleans chrome dome of a head. I placed that white cue ball right on the dot which seemed like the proper place to begin. I would later learn I could in fact place it anywhere I desired behind that center marking. No worries, it was my first attempt anyway, I had a lot to learn. I stared down the table and looked at the triangle of balls. I knew what to do, I had watched many others play pool. I’d watched Minnesota Fats on TV too so I had a good idea how it was done. My brother showed me how to hold the stick and aim towards the balls. From there I was on my own. I pulled the stick way back, stared the white ball down, and let it fly as hard a I could. I hit that mother with all the strength a frustrated adolescent twelve year old should have. I took my sexual pent up frustrations out on that booming shot. The white ball took off like a space ship on warp speed and shot across the room in blissful arching trajectory. It searched for and found the wall with a loud crack, bounced three times on the floor and landed on a towel on the floor, effectively eliminating my shot as well as my dignity. Seemed as though the laughing would never subside. My first lesson? You can’t do precision work with a sledge hammer.
It takes finesse, something that also came in handy with the girls. The sledgehammer may look impressive, but a skilled worker makes the most of all his tools. In pool if you go too hard you end up scratching, but with the ladies if you try to hard you’ll en up all alone scratching your ass. So in life as well as pool its important to know how hard, or how easy to approach each opportunity. Don’t just start swinging your sledgehammer around everywhere trying to impress. It’s not how big your pool sick is it’s how you use it that makes you a winner. Judgment and charm baby! Don’t overcompensate, huge wheels on your pick up won’t make you a better driver. Finesse!
As the game went on I learned other valuable lessons. Like taking turns and only shooting when its your shot. Not only fair it keeps you from an ass kicking as well. Take someone else’s shot when they’re ready to sink a ball and be prepared to fight, guys are very possessive about their balls. Go for it when its your turn. Review the table and weighed your options. ! I see the 15 ball is sitting very close to the corner. I line up all my angles (Its geometry so pay attention in school) and let fly. A direct hit, the 15 ball smack dab into the corner pocket. Unfortunately the white ball liked the 15 so much it followed right behind and disappeared in the corner pocket as well. Lesson here was all about placement, you don’t want everyone watching your balls go in your pocket.
No need to be a bull in a china shop. Ease your way around the green felt table, don’t go bouncing your cue ball too hard, the balls may look sturdy, but they’re quite delicate. It seems I scratched again so now I wait.
When my turn came around again I surveyed the options again. The 12 ball was near the corner pocket but the 7 ball was blocking it slightly. If I went for the 12 I would have to figure out how to go around it. Hanging right at the side pocket was the 9 ball. I couldn’t hit it directly but it looked like if I tapped the 11 ball right it might roll into the 9 and knock it in. I opted for the side pocket keeping in mind how hard I hit the last one. A light tap into the11 and it slowly rolled over an nudged the 9 convincing it to fall head first into the side pocket. The 11 settled onto the cushion just beyond the side pocket and the cue ball just barely moved past where the 11 had formerly been. This left me with very few options for my next shot
This taught me style and finesse will help but its still important to look ahead. That young lady is real hot and sexy but if you don’t plan ahead how to make her happy she may end up against the cushion with someone else. You need to plan your future moves if you want a lasting relationship, I went for the lust. Now I‘m in a jam and if I thought ahead and hit it just a tad harder I would have lined myself up and maybe cleared my balls.
Basically what I learned at the pool table is if you want to get to Carnegie Hall take the E train to 7th Avenue an 57th, but if you want to sink your balls in the right pockets, you need to practice, practice, practice. Carefully aim you shots, never come on too strong, and once your in your groove go with the flow, cuz as your game goes on you get hotter and hotter.
One last thing…..beware of hustlers, there are plenty out there. They will make you think you play on the same level as they do, but when it comes down to getting what they want over what you want, they get suspiciously good at their craft.
Then again fuck it man, life’s a gamble…….. Rack em up!

America’s Got Lawyers (the changing game show culture)


2-4-6-8- you’ll get rich if you litigate

There once was a man from my nation, who sought to get rich through slick litigation, no wrong had been done, but yet he still won….he made his fortune in false allegation.
Wanna get rich? Not through hard work or perseverance that the old school way not the new American way. You don’t need to work hard for your living or sleep your way to the top anymore, now its fashionable to sue your way to the top. That’s right folks, you too can become rich without working hard. And its perfectly legal. In fact, legal is how you do it. Frivolous litigation is the new American sport and courtrooms are the arena’s. It’s the ultimate get rich quick scheme. Find a dumb law or a common sende negligence and exploit it. You can burn your leg spilling hot coffee or sue them if its too cold to drink. Either way you win and you can sue someone’s ass off. With a slick lawyer you can even keep their ass in the settlement. You need not even hold on to said ass merely put it on e-bay and somewhere out there some ass collecting or ass kissing sucker will buy it. And you can build on your monetary empire with a little creativity. Maybe a new reality show starring you, “Are you smarter than my sheister lawyer?”

It’s a completion where the three judges, Judy, Wapner, and Milian wear actual robes and their word is final. Milian is the drama queen judge who no one can understand, Wapner is the “Nice judge” and of course Judy is the bitch who goes around notarizing tongues and STILL doesn’t believe anyone. The contestants can sue over anything as long as its frivolous or absurdly ridiculous and the winner gets a successful litigation reward in the millions.

First contestant, Buffet Betty burnt her tongue on hot food. But was it clearly marked as “extremely hot” of did it just warn as hot? The next contestant, Sassoon Sam, has a case against a hairdryer company. No where on the label, box, or even the hairdryer itself does it say “Do Not Use In Shower” yet still this man’s wife was electrocuted using their product while rinsing. Clearly negligent instructions! Our third contestant, Dry Cleaner Dude is here to sue a dry cleaners for 10 million dollars for losing his suit because it was his lucky suit and he was going to play lotto and win the 10 million. Forth and final contestant, Nerd Nick is suing a vodka company for false advertising because his party was not filled with beautiful and sexy women like their ad promises. Obvious false advertising if ever there was!

Round one two eliminations. After a round of questions by the presiding judges, it was discovered that the Sassoon Sam actually tossed the hair dryer in the shower while his estranged wife was showering and he was eliminated. The judges had a lot of laughs over this one as Sam wa led out in handcuffs. Next to go was Buffet Betty. While the food at the buffet was clearly not marked extremely hot, a waiter for the buffet company produced a phone picture of Betty heating the spoon of food directly over the flame of the sterno. The judges were not a amused this time and gave Betty a serious lecture before letting the Buffet company counter-sue for fraud.

Down to two contestants and it’s a close one. The Nerd Nic supplied lots of photos of his very lame looking party with the vodka everywhere. Not a sexy or even attractive female among his guests an clearly nothing even close to the advertisement.Her is looking like the fron-runner right now, Dry Cleaner Dude is gonna have to step it up now.DCD produced video proof that the ten million dollar winning lotto ticket was purchased at the store he always uses and indeed on at least five occassions was wearing the lucky suit. The final round begins.

First up is Nerd Nick who pleads his case showing much evidence but seems to be losing the judges favors. Wapner told him the party looked fun and he saw some people smiling, and the man reluctantly admitted people were happy, but claimed it was because they were drunk off their asses. Judy went for the jugular telling Nick he’s ugly himself so how does he expect anyone to want sex with him. EVER! The crowd boo’s its disapproval at Judy‘s meanness but she stares them down mumbling “the truth hurts.” It doesn’t look good for Nick an now all of a sudden and the crowd is tense.. Next Dry Cleaner Dude is up, and shows video evidence of him buying lotto tickets in the store wearing the suit in question. It was supplied by the store owner and it hard to refute video evidence. After a round of idiotic questions with Wapner and Milian everyone wonders why Milian is even there. Suddenly Dry Cleaner Dude looks in good shape for the win. Judy makes a comment about whether he could still fit into the suit because he looked much thinner in the videotape. The crowd really loves to hate this judge, but its still looking good for the dry cleaner dude.
Cannon Watercrest entertains the crowd with some cute popular anecdotes and the camera pans to the judges who all appear to be drinking from a cup clearly marked with the logo of their sponsor. Cannon tells a few more jokes and we go to the judges. Wapner is even friendlier than usual and claims both have a good case and he can’t decide. Milian adds nothing and were down to Judy who is slurring her accusations.

Judy awards Dry Cleaner Dude with ten million for losses because he proved his case of the missing suit, and admonished Nerd Nick for wasting the courts time instead of getting the judges wasted the way the vodka company had. It is revealed that in the clearly marked sponsor logo cups were filled with vodka supplied by the vodka’s parent company, a well known condom corporation with ties to the Vatican. Everyone laughs except Nerd Nick who brings a new suit against the television station, its writers, producers and key grip, as well as all three judges and their families who he accuses of conspiring. His effort to incriminate the studio audience was not considered frivolous enough because he did not include their firstborns, so he had to be happy with just that. But not as happy as his rich lawyers, who have now become wealthy and corrupt enough to enter politics…….PEACE