United We Stand
Unbeknownst to Cosmo, two mean ass dudes has heard about this baby Messiah and were not happy at all. One was the emperor of Rome, a dude who loved garlic laden dressing on his Rome-aine lettuce, the other a King. The emperor Caesar and King Herod. Herod was the meaner of the two, and when he found out from the wise dudes that they had hidden the baby somewhere in Egypt he ordered every male child two years or younger to be put to death. Caesar took a different route having heard from some shepherds about the whole Johnny the Baptist Revival thing. He ordered Johnnies head to be cut off and brought to him on a silver tray. He eventually got the head, but it was too late as Jesus had already been successfully baptized, schooled, and well hidden from the clutches of evil. For 33 earth years.
But now it was time for part two, the switch. The real Jesus had been trained and taught what to do and now had to set out an find a bunch of disciples to help him get the word of Cosmo out. Fake Jesus was extremely confused but he liked Mary Anne and had lots of computer games left from real Jesus so it was a bit easier to swallow. Real Jesus though, really had his work cut out for him. It’s not easy making friends when you introduce yourself as the Messiah. The first two men he met were Andrew and Peter. After a lot of convincing they finally believed that he was the son of God they had heard about and would follow him to hear his teachings. They had some friends down on the shore fishing and they took Jesus there. With his fantastic personality and great training from Mary Anne it wasn’t long before he had a handful, twelve to be exact, of disciples. They sat in a large circle an introduced themselves. “Let me start. My Name is Jesus and I am the son of a Jewish carpenter who taught me his trade. Well let me clear that up, Joseph is my Dad but my real father, my biological father is a God and he sent me here on the garden….I mean the planet Earth to teach man how to live correctly. Men have strayed from the path of nature and are creating wars and killing creatures they don’t like and generally fucking up the landscape and acting like the world belongs to them. So in a way I’m here to save you from yourselves. If you guys follow me and listen and learn from me together we can go back to following the natural laws of life and survival. Any questions?” Of course a litany of questions rang out like “Does that mean I don’t have to serve in the military? Can we still have sex? You mean we can’t kill any animals? Etc.” Jesus held up his right hand which would soon become his signature move. “Okay, okay, I get it, you all have a lot of questions. Let me just put it this way. If you follow me and do as I say you will all live happy and fulfilled lives. Now let me find out who you guys are and what your names are because I think we will be hanging together for a long time here.
The men began introducing themselves. “My name is Simon, sometimes known as Peter but that’s a long story. I have been a disciple since I met Jesus. I want to follow.” “I’m Peters brother Andrew, and I too want to follow.” I’m James” “I’m John” “My name is Bartholomew but you can call me Bart, and I believe in Jesus” “I am Phillip” “My name is Thomas and I must admit I am somewhat skeptical but I’m willing to give this guy a shot. But as I said, my name is Thomas, or Tommy, and I have my doubts.” Mathew, or the Matt Man, and unlike doubting Tommy boy here I trust in Jesus.” “My name is James too, but to avoid confusion call me Jimbo.” Ah, my name is like Thaddeus, no jokes please, but please call me Thad.” “Damn, my name is Simon too, so I guess you’ll have to stick to being called Peter to avoid confusion there other Simon” And finally the twelfth. “Hey Y’all, I am Judas. Judas Iscariot and I do believe in Jesus and I will follow him and listen and obey. You are my liege, my lord Jesus, and I will be a faithful servant unto you……Trust me.”
So it was set, Jesus had his followers and would now set out to change the world with their help. It had been very stressful getting to this point and the J man was feeling a need of some relief. He went to a house of ill repute and choose a prostitute with which to help him relieve his stresses. Her name was Mary (What Another Mary?) Magdalene and she did for Jesus what Jesus’ mother had done for Cosmo. She spent hours very skillfully extracting every ounce of seminal fluid in his body and did things to him he had only had wet dreams about before. She was satisfied beyond her expectations as well, with Jesus being half god and all, and she had a never ending smile stuck to her cheeks. Mary sensed a deep connection to Jesus. “Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to problems that upset you. Jesus. Don’t you know everything’s all right?” Maybe it was the sexual explosions or maybe it was her tenderness, but it touched Jesus deeply. It was moving and made Jesus feel calm and relaxed as he never had before. “Mary, I don’t think I told you this but I am the son of a god and I have been sent here to save the world. I have a posse of 12 guys with me and we are going to change the world. Would you follow with us?” Worried she was being asked to pull a train she glared at him suspiciously. “Are you saying with you or do you expect me to do all 12?” Jesus shook his head an laughed, “No, of course its just me and you in that way. By the way, the sex has to be our little secret. On the surface we need to appear righteous and free of sin. In private, well anything goes baby.” Mary smiled. “Okay Jesus, I’ll follow you and be your maiden. Changing the world huh? Ha, and they said I would never amount to anything. Wish my friends could see me now!”
United We Stand